Original subtitles

HITCHCOCK: Can you believe this, Scully?

Looks like we're the only responsible people

who show up on time anymore.

And they're always calling us lazy.

But where are they now? I don't see them.

They're not here. But you know who is?

Hitchcock and Scully. The oafs.

The bozos. The…

Idiots! What are you doing here?

The building's being fumigated.

There were so many emails.

There were? We didn't…

[THUDS]

Lightweight.

That's your takeaway?

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Just doesn't seem like he should be that fast

for how big he is. Yeah.

Gah, I hate Wario.

Peralta, my office.

Oh, Kevin's here.

And you both look so upset.

Oh, no. Did they stop funding the arts?

They did, but that doesn't matter anymore. Nothing does.

Cheddar has been kidnapped.

Someone took our fluffy boy.

Oh, my God! What happened?

Well, Cheddar and I walked to the bakery together.

We shared a plain scone.

Then we went to the park and I let him off leash.

He never came back.

Someone took our fluffy boy.

Right. You mentioned that.

Now just to be clear,

you didn't actually see someone take him, right?

So there's a chance Cheddar just ran away.

You know like, some dogs do.

Cheddar isn't some dog. He would never do that.

Someone took our…

Fluffy boy. Yes, I understand.

I need you to drop everything.

Nothing in the world

is as important to me as this dog.

I wouldn't say nothing. For example,

you and I are very close.

We don't have time for this. Okay.

In kidnapping, the first 48 hours are the most crucial.

Right. And in dog years, that's only seven hours.

Why would you say that?

This is why everyone prefers that dog to you.

Everyone? Okay, look.

I'm just saying that

before we jump to any conclusions

-[CELL PHONE DINGS] -we should consider the fact

that there's no actual proof

that someone kidnapped Cheddar.

The text, it reads, "I've kidnapped your dog."

I see. Well, that seems like pretty hard proof. That's good.

Good proof.

♪ I said who's that mama ♪

♪ Looking so cool ♪

♪ I'm that mama looking so cool ♪

Whoa. [GASPS] What?

Oh, sorry, didn't see you there.

Yeah, that was clear.

What's going on? Why are you dork dancing?

A baby store in Dumbo is having a contest to win a Snoog.

Who or what is a Snoog?

Are you kidding me? It's only the best stroller.

It has the versatility of Sporjule,

the safety rating of a Fajerb,

and an even smoother ride than the Kinderbuscht.

Are you having a stroke?

All the best strollers are from Scandinavia

where they don't hate people for having children.

I saw Midsommar. Those people have their own problems.

This Snoog is my dream stroller, but it's way too expensive.

What's the contest?

It's an endurance competition.

Everyone has to stand with one hand on the stroller,

and if you let go, you're out.

Last person holding on wins.

Sounds painful. Can I come?

Aw, for moral support?

Sure. That.

Okay, sir, the kidnappers should be calling

with his demands any minute.

If we can trace his location,

we can find your fuzzy boy.

Not fuzzy. He's fluffy.

KEVIN: We don't know what he is anymore.

He could be fuzzy. He could be anything.

Raymond, he could be scruffy.

Now you've upset Kevin. I hope you're happy.

Why would I be happy?

I clearly just mixed up fuzzy and fluffy.

"Just?" You're fired. I want your shield and your piece.

That seems a little extreme.

Jake is right. Thank you, Kevin.

Just suspend him without pay.

-Why did you ask for my help? -[CELL PHONE BUZZING]

He's calling. Sir, remember, we need two minutes for the trace.

Two minutes. Understood.

So just keep him talking and stay calm.

Peralta, I'm in complete control.

-VOICE [DISTORTED]: Hello. -Shut your damn mouth.

I'm the one talking here.

Then this is over. [LINE DISCONNECTS]

And he hung up. Well, that could have gone better.

JEFFORDS: Come on, Terry. You can pick up that paper.

[GROANING]

No, forget it. [SIGHS WEARILY]

It's only a first offense.

Uh, is everything okay, Lieutenant?

You've been groaning all morning.

I'm sore from my workout.

My muscles hurt so bad. Look.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Come with me, friend.

I have exactly what you need.

Bone broth. It's an old Boyle family recipe.

I drink it after every workout and I'm never sore.

Boyle, I don't think we're maxing out

at the same weight at the gym.

Oh, Terry. They're just numbers. You'll get there.

Hey. There you are.

And, oh, my God. What is happening?

I've gotten mad, and now I'm getting even.

Okay, look. Sir, I know you're upset.

But you need to stay calm and treat this like any other case.

I mean, I can't believe I'm gonna say this,

but now is not the time to go all John Wick.

Who's that? A friend of yours? [SCOFFS] I wish.

But he's not a real person.

He's a movie assassin that goes nuts when someone

messes with his dog.

Then call me John Wicks because I'm about to go nuts.

It's Wick. Singular, and you already did go nuts.

It cost us the trace, remember?

Look, I need you to focus. The kidnapper texted his demands.

How much does the bastard want for my little doggy?

Oh, that's just it. He doesn't want money.

He requested all the files we worked from May 2004.

It's a lead.

He's gotta be connected to one of those cases somehow.

Interesting.

You know what else is interesting? Hmm?

Grenades.

Just please, stop it.

I'm gonna take Kevin to the park where Cheddar was kidnapped

and look for clues. I need you to stay here, go through those files

and put together a list of potential suspects.

Can you do that? Okay, fine.

I'll go through the files. Great.

You realize I can't leave until you put the grenades back, right?

Oh, but you let John Wicks have grenades?

It's Wick. Singular.

Just put 'em back.

Okay, Kevin. We need to recreate your morning

and see if we can find some clues.

All right. Cheddar and I entered on the east side

of the park over past those trees.

Oh, how he loved those trees.

Jake, I don't know if I can do this.

Yeah, you can do this. I'm right here with you.

We're gonna get through it together.

Now let's go. [CLEARS THROAT]

Oh. Hey, Kev, bud.

Couldn't help but notice that when I said,

"Let's go," you didn't go.

You stayed here and stared at that bench.

Cheddar loved benches.

He'd run up to them, sniff their legs.

Paw at them with his…

Paws. Sure, that's what you paw with.

[CLEARS THROAT] I'm sorry. This is impossible.

Everything I see reminds me of Cheddar.

The grass, the asphalt, squirrels.

Cheddar loved squirrels. Oh, stop.

He loves to chase them.

I suppose I should say "loved."

He'd never get there. He's like.. . Kevin, stop. All right?

We need to get over to that gate and recreate your morning.

And if seeing all these things is too much,

then just focus only on me, all right?

Stare straight into my eyes.

Very good. I'll stare straight into your eyes. Okay.

Oh, wow. Piercing.

Huh, okay, so let's do this.

And we are headed to the east gate.

We're doing great. This is working. I can do this.

Here we go. I'm doing it.

You're looking away. No, I'm not.

Stop looking away. I'm not.

Don't look away. But I see leaves.

No! Cheddar loved playing in leaves.

Didn't matter what kind.

Oak, maple, elm… Wait.

I hate to cut you off, but look what I found.

Security camera. Cheddar loved security cameras.

How is that possible?

SANTIAGO: Oh, Rosa.

There she is.

The Snoog.

Look at those sexy lines.

Oh, I just wanna get behind that thing and push.

Aw, man. You're grossing me out.

[GASPS]

What is Teddy doing here? Teddy?

Oh, my gosh. Hey, Amy.

Oh, right. Boring ex-boyfriend Teddy. Hey, Teddy.

-Hey, Rosa. -SANTIAGO: What are you doing here?

You promised you would stop showing up at places to propose to me.

Quit flattering yourself. I only did that four times.

[LAUGHS] Also, I'm taken now.

I got married, last year,

in the spiciest little city, Phoenix.

Mmm. It was very posh.

We served a flight of large batch pilsners.

I don't know if you remember, but I love…

ALL: Pilsners.

Yeah, we remember.

Yeah, long story short. We're pregnant now,

and I'm, uh, gonna try to win this sexy little number.

-Oh, God. Is that what I sound like? -DIAZ: Yep.

Excuse me? Are you here for the competition?

Uh, yes. Hi, I'm Teddy Ramos.

Took my wife's last name.

Very brave.

He's the worst.

Hi, I'm Amy Santiago.

I am so sorry, but pregnant women aren't allowed to compete.

Not after what happened last year.

Are you gonna say what happened?

It's part of the settlement. We can't.

Okay. Well, uh, good news.

I'm not pregnant. I just had a huge lunch.

I'm so sorry. I just can't.

All right. I'll compete for her.

What? You will?

But I know you think these strollers are dumb.

They are. But I can't let that boring bastard win.

So we decided to paint the baby room white.

I mean, you used to have sex with him.

I know.

Charles, this Boyle bone broth is incredible.

I'm not sore at all anymore.

I told you it works.

The Boyles used to drink it during potato digging season

to keep everyone healthy in the furrows.

You know, I bet we could sell this stuff.

You really think so?

[GASPS] We can call our company "The Bone Boys."

No! "More Bone, Less Moan."

No! "Workplace Bone Buds."

That's the one. I'm registering it.

Uh, we can name the company later.

Anyway, I know just who to pitch this to.

My buddy who invented Muscle Malt.

[GASPS] This is great! We're the perfect partners.

When it comes to cooking, you got me.

When it comes to being ripped, you also have me.

And you have a little connection.

We're gonna be rich. [LAUGHS]

Sir, we're back.

Did you find anything in the case files?

Yes. Most of them were useless,

but one caught my eye.

On May 15th, 2004, detectives arrested Frank Kingston,

leader of the 16th Street Gang.

Thanks to the testimony of a confidential informant,

Kingston served 16 years.

He just got out last month.

And you think he wants the file to figure out

which one of his guys turned on him to get revenge.

It's a Vendetta. [IN ITALIAN ACCENT] Vendetta.

Sure.

So now I know who the sumbitch is who took my dog.

The only problem is, I have no idea where to find that sumbitch.

Well, Raymond, I think we can help you find

that sumbitch. Jake?

Sumbitch. We all got to say it.

Let me show you what we found.

A security camera grabbed some footage of Cheddar

being picked up and put into a car

which was registered to an anonymous shell company

on Dean Street.

We can be there in 15 minutes.

That's weird. It's sunny outside.

Why is that weird?

Because a [BLEEP] storm is about to rain down on that punk.

Oh, my God! I fell for it, and I loved it.

All right, let's gear up. Kevin, you stay here.

And don't worry. We're gonna get your dog back.

So we did not get your dog back.

Unfortunately, he wasn't here.

No, no, no. I think Captain Holt's taking it really well.

[SCREAMS]

So we'll see you soon.

WOMAN: Wow, five hours.

This is the most exciting contest we've had.

Of course, the incident last year was exciting,

but we all know how that ended.

No, we don't.

Right. Because of the gag order.

[SCOFFS]

Are you sure you wanna keep doing this, Rosa?

You really don't have to.

My feet hurt a little, but I can go as long as it takes.

We're having a great time back here.

I was just telling my buddy Reggie here about this great salsa that I make.

It's so mild you barely taste it.

That's it. I can't take anymore. I'm out.

Bye, Reggie. I'll send you that article about mailboxes.

REGGIE: Please don't!

Oh, my God. Teddy is boring people out of the competition,

and he doesn't even realize it.

Can't let him get to you, Rosa.

It's fine. I can handle boring. We're friends.

Ooh, guys, you will never believe who I saw

at Bush Gardens last summer.

My neighbor. Yeah. Just walking around.

The kidnapper said, he would call with drop instructions at 8 a.m.

It is now 8:01. Cheddar's dead.

Cheddar is not dead. It's just one minute.

Perhaps the kidnapper's watch is slow.

Oh, dear God. If his watch is slow,

there's no telling what else this psychopath is capable of.

KEVIN: Raymond, Cheddar is fine.

He's coming back to us

and that is why I bought a new GPS tag to put on his collar.

Thank you, Kevin. At least some of us are thinking clearly.

KEVIN: Yes, crystal clear.

In fact I bought five GPS tags.

One for his collar and one for each arm and leg.

I'm going to make bracelets to put them on,

and I'll never lose my Cheddar again.

Okay, a little unsettling, but I like your positivity.

-[CELL PHONE BUZZING] -HOLT: Three minutes after 8:00.

This man is unhinged.

You said you'd call at 8:00.

VOICE [DISTORTED]: My watch is slow.

Put the files on a flash drive and have your husband

bring it to the 9th Street entrance of Prospect Park at noon.

My husband? No.

I'm not involving him in this.

-I'll bring them myself. -I don't trust you.

I told you not to look for me, but you did.

Send your husband or the deal is off.

[LINE DISCONNECTS]

Clearly, we're not doing this.

No, it's fine. We can just alter the files and give him fakes.

-He'll never know. -HOLT: It's not that.

It's that I refuse to put Kevin in harm's way.

Understood, but I think maybe I have a way

to put Kevin in danger without putting Kevin in danger.

[IMPERSONATING] Well, hello there, Raymond.

It's me, Kevin.

[FLATLY] And I am Detective Jacob Peralta.

We didn't have anything else to wear, so we just switched.

He understands.

Okay. If we're gonna pull this off,

we need to teach you how to move, talk, and act exactly like Kevin.

In other words we have ourselves a "Pygmalion" situation.

Exactly, a "pig mailman" situation.

Raymond. It'll be okay.

What'll be okay? Let's get started.

[IMPERSONATING] Yes! Let's get started. It's getting worse.

Spot on Kevin.

Look, Raymond. A yellow crested warbler.

Look, Raymond. A yellow crested warbler.

No, you're too excited.

The warbler's a common bird. Ah.

And then I said, "Which 'Metamorphosis'? Kafka or Ovid?"

[LAUGHS]

He loves it. He loves it.

[SIGHS] So that's the joke. Now you tell it.

Oh, okay. [CLEARS THROAT]

So a professor walks in to a rare books collection…

No, you've ruined it. Now it's not funny.

Look, Raymond. A yellow crested warbler.

HOLT: Ugh, not excited enough.

They may be common, but they're still birds.

The 92nd Street Y had a wonderful symposium

on just that topic.

That's it. You're getting it.

Ah, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

Don't say "cool," instead, say "indeed."

Oh, indeed, indeed, indeed, indeed, indeed.

It's weird.

Look, Raymond. A yellow crested warbler.

Yes!

That's the right level of excitement for such a bird.

You captured the essence of Kevin. You've done it.

Correction, I've accomplished it.

Indeed. Indeed.

Indeed, indeed, indeed, indeed.

ALL: Indeed, indeed, indeed, indeed, indeed, indeed.

It's growing on me.

Oh, my God! Rosa?

I can't believe you're still here.

I can't believe Teddy looks so normal.

I'm gonna win you that Snoo. Slog. Snat, whatever.

My brain is broken. I haven't slept in 72 hours.

You've only been doing the competition for one night.

I mean, you're allowed to not sleep for other reasons.

Okay. I got you a coffee. Oh, thank you.

Just need to put my left hand on the stroller.

My right hand grabs the cup.

My mouth do the sipping.

What's happening?

My broken brain won't talk to my body, so I'm doing it. Blink.

Rosa, you don't have to do this. You can stop.

Snarl at Amy. [SNARLS]

Teddy and I are the only ones left.

I'm gonna win this no matter how much he talks about light rail systems.

Ooh, you should ride the one in Akron, by the way.

Very little noise.

Oh, my God! Enough about light rails. Let's talk trams.

Amusement parks get it. I can't, I can't, I can't…

If most cities adopted amusement park method…

Oh, put your hands over your ears.

Oh, no. Wait, Rosa.

Hands are off. We have a winner.

-[BUZZER SOUNDS] -Me?

[SIGHS] I won the stroller. Whoo-hoo! [LAUGHS]

Oh, I see what I did wrong.

It's okay. Come on, let's get you home.

Excuse me. Amy?

You can have the stroller for the right price.

Okay. How much?

Amy Santiago, will you marry me?

No!

Okay, I'm approaching the drop site.

I don't see anything unusual.

We have eyes on you.

-Just be natural. -PERALTA: Indeed, I will.

Oh, look, a yellow crested warbler.

Very good.

-[CELL PHONE RINGING] -He's calling.

Wait, Kevin, we didn't go over how you answer the phone.

HOLT: There isn't time. Just answer.

Okay.

You've reached Professor Kevin Cozner.

Please start speaking when I finish this sentence.

VOICE [DISTORTED]: Pick up the book on the bench and head south.

He hung up.

And he had me pick up a copy of The Tempest.

Oh, no, Raymond. Do you know

what's happening in the park today?

The Shakespeare Festival

which will be attended by…

Guys, I'm in a sea of Kevins.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Okay, between us, I think we made enough broth.

Did you edit the presentation like I asked?

You mean, did I remove the tasteful photos of me stretching?

They weren't tasteful. You were in a thong.

[CELL PHONE BUZZING]

All right, Muscle Malt Kenneth is on his way up.

Hey, I just wanna say, no matter how this turns out,

it was really fun working on this with you.

Aw, Terry, it's gotta turn out well. I invested $11,000 in it.

$11,000!

It only cost 30 bucks to make the broth.

Yeah, but it cost $11,000 to buy the domain name.

Workplacebonebuds.com. I am all in.

Boyle, why in the world would you do that?

You are such a… An amazing business partner.

Kenneth, I'd like you to meet my amazing

business partner, Charles.

Hey. Hello.

I'm excited to see what you guys have here.

Well then, take a sip, and feel the soreness start to drain away.

[JEFFORDS CHUCKLES]

[SLURPS] Mmm. It's good. Very tasty.

Not only is it delicious,

it's high on amino acids and low in sodium.

Well, not exactly low in sodium.

It definitely has salt in it.

Not in the batch I made. I left it out.

Terry doesn't like to get all bloaty. You left out the salt?

That stops the fermentation. The salt keeps it stable.

Oh! Ah! God, what is happening?

-They're all gonna blow. -TERRY: Take cover!

So, uh, do we have a deal?

[ALL SCREAM]

PERALTA: Still waiting for instructions. Over.

HOLT: Wait. We don't have eyes on you.

Kevin, do you see Jake? Yes, he's right there.

Oh, no, that's a different gentleman wearing a handsome jacket.

Everyone is so well dressed.

Peralta, head for the north gate.

We're having trouble finding you.

All right, Professor. I'm assuming you're wearing a wire.

A what?

Ah, yes, a wire. My husband asked me to wear that.

We lost comms. Something happened.

Cheddar!

Uh, my fluffy boy. I've missed you so.

All right, put up your hands. I'm gonna tap you down.

There's no need for that. Here, I have the drive.

Just take it.

Thanks. I'm still gonna pat you down.

Be my guest, but you're not gonna find anything.

Here's a gun. Whoops.

And another gun. I forgot about that one too.

So, the Professor's got two guns on him,

and he's wearing a fake beard.

Oh, please don't rip it off. It hurts so much.

I think the Professor's actually a cop.

Something tells me I should check that drive.

There's a laptop in the front seat. Get it.

If these files aren't the real deal, you and the dog are dead.

Oh, no need to worry,

because everything is on the level and will be completely fine.

[GRUNTS]

Cheddar, go! Go, boy!

Hey, cop.

Would you like to buy a laptop?

There's no sign of Peralta out here.

Did you hear anything on the wire? No, it never came back on.

Do you think he's okay? Shh.

What? Do you hear it?

-[BELL JINGLES] -Yes, I do.

That's the jingle of Cheddar's collar.

-[BARKS] -And that's his bark!

[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, it's our fluffy boy!

Good dog.

Good dog.

Oh, Mr. Cheddar, how I've missed you. We both have.

I'm putting that GPS tag on your collar immediately.

Oh, damn it, it's not here.

I'm wearing Peralta's pants.

Ugh, and now my hands are sticky.

Wait, so Peralta's wearing your pants, which means…

He doesn't have sticky hands.

Yes, but also, he has the GPS tracker.

[GASPS]

Hey, so given the fact that you haven't slept in forever,

I feel like I should drive you home.

I'm not going home. I'm going out.

What? Really? What is your life?

It's pretty good actually.

Huh. By the way, I'm sorry

that I I didn't win you that stroller.

No, no, no. You were right.

I don't need a Snoog. It's way too fancy. It is stupid.

It's not stupid. I said you didn't need it

because I already bought you a stroller

for your shower this weekend.

It's just isn't as fancy and I felt bad.

Rosa, I would love any stroller you got me because it came from you.

It's a Luftroller.

Oh, that is…

That is a great stroller. I got you a gift receipt.

Thank you so much.

I cleaned as much as I could but I think that couch

is gonna smell like bone broth for a while.

So, did you talk to your friend?

Any chance he'll reconsider investing?

Yeah, that's not happening.

He said that was the most scared he's ever been.

And he was on that plane that landed on the Hudson.

I guess that's it.

I'm never gonna make my $11,000 back.

Actually, I called another guy from my gym.

He wants to buy the domain

workplacebonebuds.com off of you. That's amazing.

I can't believe you found someone else

who runs a bone broth company with a coworker.

What are the odds? No.

Obviously, he wants to make a website

that helps people hook up with their coworkers.

I don't see it. Charles!

It's called workplacebonebuds.com.

All I hear is friendship and broth.

But yeah, I mean he wants to burn his money,

I'll light the match. Yeah, tell him to call me. His loss.

So, what's your plan here, Kingston?

You gonna torture me?

You gonna put my beard back on and rip it off again?

No, I'm gonna cut each one of your fingers

until you tell me who the rat is.

I see. Well, that's bad news,

because I don't know who the rat is,

and I need all my fingers if I'm gonna beat Wario.

You can't beat Wario?

You can? How do you do it?

It's simple. When he's approaching, you just tap the…

[ALARM BLARING]

Damn it! Motion detector.

I'm sorry. What do you tap? Get up. Let's go.

Kingston, what do you tap?

What do you tap?

NYPD! NYPD!

Split up. Cover the exits.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Freeze!

Captain! Captain!

HOLT: He's not getting away.

He took my dog!

Oh, my God! It's happening.

[GRUNTING]

[GUNSHOT]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[GRUNTS]

Oh, I see you have a knife.

But what you need is an umbrella.

Tell him why. Tell him why.

Because there's a [BLEEP] storm gonna rain down on you, punk.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

PERALTA: Ooh.

My goodness.

[GRUNTING CONTINUES]

[WHOOPING]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[HOLT YELLING]

You took the wrong fluffy boy!

[SIRENS APPROACHING]

-[GRUNTS] He's done. Cuff him. -OFFICER: Yes, sir.

That was the single coolest thing that has ever happened.

Relax, Peralta.

That wasn't even the coolest thing I've ever done.

What have you done that's cooler? It was the '80s.

It was nothing. I mean, they made a movie out of it,

but whatever.

What? What movie?

I don't remember the title.

Uh, there was a crime on a plane,

I was a passenger.

Was it Passenger 57?

I honestly don't know.

It had to have been. Just say it was that.

You know, Peralta,

sometimes I don't understand the words

coming out of your mouth.

Oh, my God! Was it Rush Hour? What? No.

You know what? I'm too old for this crap.

It was Lethal Weapon?

Sir, are you Murtaugh?

Does that make me Riggs?

I am Riggs!