Original subtitles

HOLT: And I believe that's all I've got.

Oh, wait.

There's one more thing. Peralta gave me a note before the meeting.

Ugh, the penmanship is horrid,

but I think it says, "Ask if anyone has an anal mint."

It's announcements. And we do.

Wow, what an entrance.

Amy and I have some big news to share.

I'm pregnant.

We're pregnant!

-[ALL FEIGNING ENTHUSIASM] -DIAZ: What a surprise.

What the hell? I thought you guys

would be more excited than that.

Charles, you didn't even faint.

I'm so sorry. I'll try. [INHALES SHARPLY]

It's not working. Somebody choke me. On it.

Rosa. Sorry, we're so happy for you,

but we also, maybe, kind of already knew.

You didn't do the best job of hiding it.

Why have you been carrying that box around so much?

I just love this box.

Why are you reading that newspaper? It's two days old.

I just love this issue.

Hey, why you wearing that hazmat suit?

I just love this look.

Okay, fine. So you all knew we were pregnant.

Good for you. But I bet you didn't figure out

that we're having twins.

[GASPS]

No, not really. It's one baby.

I just needed to see Charles faint.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Aw, Jake, I am excited that you're having a kid.

Thank you, Dad. Oh, hey, if you're free next Friday,

we're having a sex reveal party.

I went to one of those in Amsterdam.

I would not invite relatives.

What? No, no, no.

It's a party where we find out

the biological sex of the baby in a surprising way.

You better hope you're having a girl.

Peralta fathers do not get along with sons.

What? That's not true. I mean, look at us.

We're doing better than ever.

This year you even remembered my birthday month.

Things are good now, but honestly, it's probably just a blip.

That's fun to hear.

It's just the way it is.

It's the family curse.

I haven't talked to my father since you were ten.

His dad abandoned him at the World's Fair.

His dad fled to America after drowning his dad in a well.

Oh, my God. Okay, so, yes, fine.

There's a bit of a trend, but we're not cursed.

You and I are good. I bet you could even

fix things up with your dad.

The Admiral? You know, I always hoped that I could

reconcile things with him one day, but he's not gonna let that happen.

What can I tell you. We're not meant to have sons.

There's a demon in our genes.

Title of your sex tape.

No. The title of my sex tape is

"Cockpit Larry and the Mile High Stewardae."

What? "Stewardae." It's plural for stewardess.

Okay.

ADA Kurm. How are you?

Do you want the real answer

about how my wife's leaving me?

Or do you just want me to say, "Good, how are you?"

Uh, the latter.

Good. How are you?

We're fine. Why are you here?

You know that Carroll Street

Brownstone B&E?

Yeah, broken window, swiped an old TV.

The house belongs to a friend of the Mayor's.

Oh. I didn't realize the case was a priority.

I'll check into it right away.

Great. Call me as soon as you have anything.

Yeah. Will do.

Oh, God, what a nightmare.

Agreed. Dude's a mess. You know he's only 24?

No, the Carroll Street case.

I didn't realize that the Mayor was interested in it,

and I think I did something bad.

-[SNORING] -You gave Hitchcock and Scully

an important case.

[SIGHS]

Okay, here's the cake.

If it's pink on the inside, it's a girl,

and if it's blue, it's a boy.

And why do you seem so bummed by that?

Because I still think you should have done the pig roast,

where we start eating it from the snout,

and discover the baby's sex when we get to the genitals.

Yeah, you know, Amy wanted to do that too, but I just don't see it.

-[PHONE DINGS] -I'm getting a text.

Ooh. "I will see you soon, sir."

Guess who that was. Elton John.

What? You said, "Sir", and that's on you.

No. It was my grandfather, the Admiral.

Oh, you tracked him down?

Yep. He's on his way to my apartment right now.

I'm gonna fix his relationship with my dad.

It's gonna be very emotional.

It's gonna be so dramatic.

You should be producing for Ellen.

Do you really think so? Because I actually have another idea

for a segment where Ellen turns your home into a haunted house.

I call it, "Extreme Makeover, Bone Edition."

But, you know, I don't have to do it. I like being a cop.

And you're so good at it.

Yeah, okay. I'm gonna go meet my grandpa.

Yup.

[FLUTE PLAYING "MUFFIN MAN"]

Oh, fun. Terry's playing the flute.

At work. Who are you? William Wonker?

No. This is police business.

The flautist for the NYPD band retired

and I'm going to audition to take his spot.

Captain Holt, you love music.

Can you give me some pointers?

No, I'd rather not.

The music they play is dreck.

Last month, they performed Sousa at a fallen officer's funeral,

and the people were so appalled, they cried.

Or they were crying for the deceased?

No, she was very unpopular.

-The band made them cry. -[WHISTLES]

Suffice it to say I don't respect what they do,

so it wouldn't be the right teacher. I'm sorry.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Hey, Grandpa. Attention.

Oh.

At ease. Just pulling your leg.

I'm your grandfather, not your commanding officer.

Now, come on, give me a handshake.

Okay. Right. Come on in.

Wow, it's really been quite a while, huh?

Are you still watching those cartoons about the karate lizards?

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?

I am. There was recently a reboot.

They did some interesting things

with Splinter and Krang's backstories.

Anyways, I'm an adult now, how are you?

Oh, me? Well, I guess I'm a…

Grandpa. What?

Oh, I was just asking how you were.

Oh, sharp as ever. Yeah.

I'm so glad you reached out to me.

Same, you know, now that I'm having a baby of my own,

I've started to realize how important father,

son, grandfather relationships really are.

Mmm-hmm. Which reminds me, my dad is also coming.

He is. I'm surprised he wanted to see me.

Well, he doesn't exactly know you're here.

I thought it might be cool to surprise both of you.

You know who else thought surprises were cool? Admiral Yamamoto.

And we all know what happened then, huh? We do?

Pearl Harbor. Pearl Harbor, right.

Some surprises can be bad,

but this one's not going to be.

This one's gonna be good, just like…

The Battle of Midway. The Bimble of Derbay.

Yup, we both said the same thing, at the same time.

-[KNOCKING ON DOOR] -Oh, that's my dad.

This is gonna be amazing.

Hey, Jakey.

Roger Peralta, prepare to hug and cry.

This is your father.

Dad, you son of a bitch! Uh-oh.

PERALTA: Ow!

[PERALTA GROANS]

Can't believe you hit me.

I'm sorry.

My face is throbbing. Hey, Dino Bites.

What the hell is my father doing here?

You said you wanted to reconcile.

I meant after he was dead.

I planned on standing over his grave and yelling, "I forgive you."

Well, you may get the chance sooner than you think.

He keeps trailing off and staring into space.

[SCOFFS] That's his old trick.

Whenever he doesn't want to talk about something,

he does that, the old bastard.

Look, I know you don't like him,

but can you at least try to be nice?

For me?

Okay. I'll be nice.

I wish you were dead, you lousy son of a bitch.

PERALTA: You said you were going to be nice.

I lied so I could say "the son of a bitch" thing.

Dad! Okay.

Your, grandson would like us to make peace.

So do you apologize for being the worst father in the history of the world?

Even worse than fathers who chain their children in basements?

I do not. That's on him, I tried.

I really don't think you did.

Jake, you don't get it. He's a heartless jerk.

When I was in high school, I almost died.

He didn't even visit me in the hospital.

Okay. So maybe start by asking him to apologize for that.

No, he should apologize to me for being in the hospital.

I'm starting to see the heartless thing now.

Growing up, he had a boat.

It meant everything to him.

He named it Walter, after himself.

She was the child I never had.

I was the child you did have.

Anyway, one day I took Walter Jr. out for a spin.

I was trying to impress one of the lake girls.

Before I met your mom,

I was a bit of a ladies' man.

Yes, that continued long after you met my mom.

He's always been a floozy.

It was dark, I crashed into the dock and woke up in the hospital.

How was the girl? Flexible.

Man, she could put her leg total…

No, I was… After the accident.

Oh, right. No, she was totally unhurt.

Thank goodness. But I was in the hospital for three weeks

and Admiral Ass never visited me once.

I warned you not to take the boat out.

You make mistakes, you gotta accept the consequences.

I'm your son!

And Walter was my daughter.

Oh! Okay, both of you, stop.

You're acting like children.

You know what? That's it. If you're going to like kids,

then I'm gonna act like a parent.

Cry Hard with a Vengeance?

Yeah, it's Bruce Willis's book about parenting,

and we're going to read it.

I just got another call from the saddest ADA in the world.

He's still pissed. Did Hitchcock and Scully get anywhere?

Hard to say. Their file contains

a lot of non-case related documents.

Bunch of menus?

Cease and Assist letter from T.J. Maxx.

Multiple patents submissions for something called a "pillow shoe".

An application for a time share in "Fi-guee."

You mean Fiji?

No, Figi, with a "G."

They're getting scammed.

Wait. This is good. There was a witness who saw everything.

Identified the thief, even described

the getaway car down to a dent in the right bumper.

We're golden! Yeah, but Hitchcock and Scully

forgot to write down the witness's name or contact info.

What? No, that's insane.

Even they wouldn't do something that dumb.

Dumb? Excuse me, I don't need this crap.

I could be on the beach in Figi right now.

If we go to court, we're going to need the witness to testify.

But now we have no way of contacting him. So there's no case.

How could you not take down the witnesses' contact info?

Well, unlike you dorks, we don't do everything "by the book."

We play by our own rules.

And we get results. Mmm-hmm.

No, you don't!

That's why we're here.

PERALTA: So, John McClane's advice wasn't great,

but I have other books.

This one says to make sure

neither of you has a full diaper.

Feels like we can skip that part.

I wouldn't be so sure.

Dad, come on. All right. How about this?

Dad just name one happy memory that you have with Grandpa.

And don't say the memory you're going to have at his funeral.

All right. When I was eight, he was on shore leave,

and we played catch in the yard, and that was fun.

Hey, there you go. That was great.

And Grandpa, is there a happy memory you wanna share?

Well, can I pick the catch thing too?

PERALTA: Yeah, sure. Because that was really a nice time.

While we were playing, the neighbor kid fell off his bike.

Yeah, he broke his arm.

You could see the bone.

Do you remember when we went skiing?

The guy fell off the lift and busted his leg?

Yes. And you could see the bone.

It was just like, sticking right out of the skin.

And he's like screaming. We were laughing.

Oh, it was beautiful. I hope somebody found him.

Okay, well, you guys are both monsters, but this is going great.

[PLAYING FLUTE]

Yes. Yes!

I know you're being positive, but I could use some honest criticism.

Well, Terry, I'd love to help but…

Follow me.

Oh, no. You caught me stretching.

I've been doing this and nothing else for the last half hour.

-Continuously. -BOYLE: I saw you watching, Terry.

You were finger conducting.

Fine. Yes.

I may have overstated my contempt for the music they play

so that I wouldn't have to help Jeffords.

Oh, no, am I so bad, I can't be helped?

Oh, man, I wanted to play in the Thanksgiving Day parade.

Terry loves being in and among floats.

You're not bad. You're maybe even good.

But to make you great,

I'd have to break you down to nothing.

It would ruin our friendship.

I can handle criticism. My daughters criticize me all the time.

They're so mean now. Please help me, sir, please!

Okay, give me your flute.

Wrong! First rule, never give anyone your flute.

-Hey, babe, how's it going? -PERALTA: Amazingly well.

My dad and my grandpa are actually getting along.

They've been catching up nonstop.

Aunt Millie. Dead.

Uncle Thomas. Dead.

-ROGER: Aunt Janet. -WALTER: Dead.

Uncle Dean. Gay!

Oh, good for him. What about Aunt Lyn? Dead.

Apparently there was a fire at the family reunion.

Lucky for my Uncle Dean, he was not welcome at the event.

Wow. Dark.

Yeah. Well, I'm glad everything's working out.

Oh, I gotta go. Love you. Bye.

-Actually, I got to go too, so… -[LINE DISCONNECTS]

I didn't even think it was possible

to put a cast on that part of the body.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

That was Amy, I hung up first.

Looks like things are still going great in here.

Yeah, they sure are.

Hey, Dad, toss me a beer. Bring the heat.

Whoa.

No, no, no. It's the sex reveal cake.

-Oh! -PERALTA: Nobody look at the floor.

No one can see the color of the cake.

How long we doing this? What's the plan?

I don't know yet.

Okay. We all heard the cake splat on the other side of the counter,

which means we can probably assume you can see the color.

Why does that matter?

Because the color of the cake tells us if we're having a boy or a girl.

How can that baker tell?

Because the baker does the test.

No, the doctor does the test.

Then the doctor calls the baker.

And the baker makes the cake.

Okay. I hate to say this, but can you start over?

No, we don't have time. Just help me fix this.

WALTER: You know it's Roger's fault.

All he had to do was catch the beer.

Well, maybe I'd be better at catch if I played it

more than once growing up.

Guys, focus up. We're all getting along. Remember?

Now, we can't see the cake before Amy,

which means we have to figure out a way

to clean it up without looking at it.

[GASPS] We have to Bird Box it.

And Bird Box is the bakery.

No! Bird Box is a movie where people aren't allowed to look at things.

Just put on these blindfolds and help me clean it up.

I Bird Boxed a stewardess in Sweden once. Dad!

Okay, that should be all of it.

I think it's safe to take off

our blindfold… [BLEEP]

No, no! Oh, God! Oh, [BLEEP]

What happened?

We were so careful.

Here comes the mop.

ROGER: Bag.

PERALTA: This is hard.

I could use a beer.

Yeah. Oh! You're okay?

The cake was blue. You're having a boy.

It's the curse.

No, no, no, no. There's no curse.

Look, we can still fix this.

All we have to do is clean every inch of this room

and then bake a gourmet cake.

No one can do all that in two hours.

Wrong, Dad.

There is one who can.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Hello, fellas.

Let's get to work.

[WHIRRING]

Oh, hey, I got something.

There was a security camera

by the Carroll Street brownstone.

And you got footage of the perps?

No, but it caught Scully and Hitchcock interviewing the witness.

All right, let's start canvassing the neighborhood,

see if anybody recognizes that guy.

Yeah.

SCULLY: Wait!

What the hell!

I'm sorry. I didn't want to run.

And that was the only way to stop the doors.

It wasn't and it didn't.

It worked. We're here.

Please don't go looking for that witness.

We're just trying to fix your screw-up.

We didn't screw up. The witness gave us his name,

but he asked us not to write it down because he's undocumented.

[SIGHS] So he's scared show up

to testify at the courthouse

because he didn't want to be detained by ICE. Damn it!

You know, that keeps lots of immigrants from helping cops.

Yeah, we know that. We're surprised you know that.

That's insulting. I'm very concerned with immigration issues.

And I've dated my fair share of spicy…

No! Scully said the nice thing.

You don't need to go past it, Hitchcock.

Okay, I know you need help and time is tight,

but I see there's blue cake on the floor,

and I know what that means,

vis-à-vis the sex of the baby.

So before we do anything, I'm going to need a minute.

Sorry for all the weeping and the weird snort noise I made at the end.

It's genetic. Now, Jake,

grab a mop, you're on cleanup.

Admiral, you're making the batter.

Captain, you're on frosting duty.

Okay, Amy just texted, she's gonna be here any second,

so hide that thing.

Oh.

Dad, that is so noticeable.

It's awesome.

All right, everybody act normal, act normal.

Hey, guys.

Hey, welcome home.

I'd like you to meet my Grandpa Walter.

It's so nice to meet you.

Hello, things are normal here.

Yeah, everything's totally normal back here too,

behind the chair.

PERALTA: Yeah, and that was a normal thing to say.

Are things normal with you, Amy?

Sure. Cool.

I'm gonna go get ready for the party.

Oh. Fun.

All right.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Oh, my God. I can't believe we pulled it off.

Charles, we owe it all to you.

Stop. It was an honor to cook and clean with all of you.

Boy, Jake is so lucky to have you as his butler.

Oh, he's not. Thank you.

Oh.

JEFFORDS: I'm so glad you're helping me.

Maybe I won't blow it after all.

Oh, you'll do plenty of blowing of that flute.

Now, let's go. Five, six, seven, eight.

-[PLAYS "THE MUFFIN MAN"] -Stop.

The nod meant start now.

Not start one second later.

Again. Five, six, seven, eight.

-[PLAYS "THE MUFFIN MAN"] -Stop.

Are you playing, The Muffin Man, or The Garbage Man?

Huh? Do you know the Garbage Man?

Because I do, because I'm looking right at him. Again!

Five, six, seven, eight.

[PLAYS "THE MUFFIN MAN"]

[VOCALIZING]

Again.

Again.

[VOCALIZING]

Why'd you stop playing, Garbage Man?

I need some water.

What you need to do is keep practicing, Garbage Man.

I don't have any more saliva.

And I don't have any more time

for your excuses, Garbage Man.

Now play! Again. Five, six…

I don't want your help anymore.

I'm not a Garbage Man!

I'm a Muffin Man!

[GLASS CLINKS]

Attention, everyone.

Thank you all so much for coming.

Please gather around.

We're gonna cut the cake and find out

what our baby's whole downstairs situation is.

Why the accent?

I don't know. I did so bad. I should've let you talk.

Yeah, you should have. I love you.

Okay, let's do this. Here we go. All right.

We are having a… Green!

Oh, my God. What's inside of me?

No. You just had a bad slice. Here, I'll get a good one.

I guess the bakery must have messed up.

WALTER: What are you talking about?

Roger's the one that added the food coloring.

Well, you mixed the batter.

Did you guys bake that cake?

We just, you could say that…

Jake?

Okay fine. Yes, we baked it. I'm so sorry.

I'll explain everything later.

Dad, please stop cutting the cake.

I'm trying to find a good slice.

There is no good slice.

You screwed it up. You're a screw-up.

Yeah, well, if I'm a screw-up,

it's 'cause you screwed me up, you screw-up.

Screw you. I'm leaving.

PERALTA: Wait, no, Don't go.

We reversed the curse. Don't reverse the curse reverse.

Actually, Jake. I'm going too.

What? No. Why would you go?

I need to go to the hospital. I cut my thumb off.

Again?

-The other one. -[ALL SCREAMING]

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Ah, get the Dino Bites.

Hey, how you feeling? How's the thumb?

Great. Looks perfect. Like nothing ever happened.

It's the other thumb, Dad.

No. Yeah, that looks bad.

Doctor said it might take a long time to heal

and that it might never be as long again.

What, my thumb? I don't care.

Is my dad here?

No, I called him and he said…

How do I put this.

That I'm a useless screw-up. And he's done with me.

Yeah, something exactly like that, verbatim. Sure.

Look, I'm really sorry that I forced this whole reunion on you.

I think our family might be cursed.

And I'm gonna be a bad dad.

No, I was wrong.

There's no curse.

My dad is just a selfish dick.

And I was too.

All the other Peralta dads, we probably just learned it from each other.

Or it's just in our genes.

No, you proved that wrong.

You care and you do the work.

You're reading parenting books before your kid is even born.

You tried get me and Dad back together.

Hell, you even fished my thumb out of the cake.

Yeah. That was gross.

You're so excited about having a kid, you're having a sex reveal party.

I never did anything like that except that one time in Amsterdam.

I really wish you'd stop bringing that up.

Jake, you're gonna be a great dad.

And your son's gonna love you.

Thanks.

And I think you're going to make a real good grandpa.

Hey, who's got two surgically reattached thumbs

and is super proud of his son?

Oh, you don't have to.

This guy!

[GROANS]

My boss is furious.

You ruined my 25th birthday.

I want those guys punished.

Understood. I'll talk to them right now.

Without that witness, the DA has nothing. Kurm's pissed.

It's true. He kept calling you guys a human centipede.

Because we have our heads up our asses.

Yes, we've heard that before.

I never thought I'd say this but you guys did the right thing.

Unfortunately, Kurm wants you disciplined, so effective tomorrow,

you're each getting one week paid suspension.

Like vacation?

You deserve this punishment.

[WHISPERS] It's punishment where you don't have to work.

We can go anywhere we like?

You can go to hell for all I care!

[WHISPERS] Or to a resort where you're being scammed.

Figi. Good idea.

Now get out of my face!

DIAZ: [WHISPERS] Have fun.

WOMAN: Next.

Hi.

My name is Terry Jeffords, and I don't know how this is gonna go.

Wait!

Sir.

I'm Captain Raymond Holt of the 99th precinct.

And I need to tell you about this man.

Now, the audition piece he's about to play

may not be technically perfect.

In fact, it may hurt your ears.

You may consider it an insult to music.

You may whisper to each other,

"Muffin Man? Pfft! More like Garbage Man."

Come on.

But you would be wrong.

This man has taught me something.

He's taught me that music is about heart and soul.

It's about perseverance.

Despite everything I put him through, he showed up here today.

And you would be a fool not to put him in your band.

Thank you, Captain. Lieutenant, what instrument do you play?

The flute. You're hired.

What? I haven't even played.

You're the only flute who auditioned. Welcome to the band.

Yes! I did it.

Hey, how's your dad doing?

Oh, the doctor said he'll be okay.

But his hands are basically claws now.

I don't know why they think that's okay.

Hey, listen, I'm sorry the cake was green.

It's okay. I'll love our little Shrek,

no matter what.

Oh, my God, that's right.

You still don't know the sex of the baby.

With all the craziness, I almost forgot. Emphasis on, "almost."

What?

Well, I got another cake just for the two of us.

Jake, that's so sweet.

Here we go.

So excited.

It's empty. There's no cake inside.

What? Where'd it go?

Hey guys, do you have any milk?

We're having a boy? We're having a boy!

Hey! Do you have milk or not?

Jeez. God.