Original subtitles

Thanks, everybody for coming out

to Hitchcock's divorce party.

Why is the cake two men getting married?

That's me and Hitchcock. The boys are back together.

This cake is for a gay wedding.

The inside is a rainbow.

Nuh-uh, it's my favorite flavor, all the flavors.

HITCHCOCK: I can't believe Bethany's gone.

It was so out of the blue.

Well, not entirely. I mean, she did have an affair

with her hairdresser

and you filmed it and threatened to release the tape.

And then she said she didn't care and put it on the Internet herself.

And then when it started to make money you sued her for half the profits.

And then boom! Out of the blue, divorce papers.

SCULLY: Ah, buddy, you'll be okay.

It doesn't feel like it. My heart is ruined forever.

I'm done with love. I'll never find anyone as…

Oh, my God!

Get a load of the can on her.

See you, dorks!

I'm gonna get some.

Well, Hitchcock still sucks.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, did you get my sexy calendar invite?

You mean the one titled, "8 p.m. coitus."

Yes. And the one titled, "7:55 foreplay."

You didn't accept either invite.

Oh, I can start foreplay later.

No, no, no. I love foreplay, as you know.

It's just this is all feeling a little over-scheduled, you know.

It might be taking some of the fun out of making a baby.

Oh, Okay. Um, so what are you suggesting?

Maybe we try this… The Jake Way.

Eating dinner starting with dessert?

That's one Jake Way. You know, the Jake Way is a brand.

It encompasses a whole lifestyle.

So get ready, because this month

we're making a baby The Jake Way.

Okay, I'm in. Sounds fun.

So are we doing it tonight or…

No, no, no. The Jake Way does not believe in scheduling.

You gotta just let go.

You don't know what The Jake Way is.

Nope, but we've got a name for it,

and that's a great start. The Jake Way!

Lieutenant, as you know, I've been walking

the same beat for the past three weeks.

It's become a bit tedious.

I thought you love tedium.

I love monotony. They're very different.

I'm sorry, but, you know, our policy is that

uniformed officers must walk the same beat for six months.

It's how they become familiar with the community they serve.

Well, surely you can make an exception for me.

I can't play favorites.

You never did when you were in charge.

Of course I did.

Really? I never got any special treatment.

I think you can do the math here.

Damn. Well, think of it this way.

It's like doing reps at a gym.

Doing something over and over again,

is how you make your pecks pop.

The only muscle I care to work out is my brain.

Then get your reps in and make your brain pop.

Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.

What you're describing is an aneurysm.

Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.

It's official. I'm in love.

I just spent the night with the woman of my dreams.

The lady from your divorce party?

Yeah, she's my soul mate.

She's funny. She's beautiful.

She has almost no scars.

Hot biscuits.

It sounds like you hooked a live one.

I know. We walked along the river for hours

just talking and laughing.

She even gave me her real number.

Really? Check it out.

Just a dirty old napkin covered in sauce.

Oh, no! Her number! It's totally ruined.

I knew I shouldn't have had those breakfast wings.

Oh, bud, I'm so sorry.

Now all I have to remember her by this tooth.

What the hell? Why do you have that?

We were eating pizza. It fell out of her mouth.

Well, that's just perfect. We can use it to find her.

What do you mean?

We just have to try fitting that tooth into the mouth

of every woman in New York City

until we find the matching gum hole of your one true love.

My life is like a fairy tale.

So, Lieutenant, sorry to take up your time.

I just want to go over the CompStat numbers with you real quick.

Um, what the… Is something wrong?

Are the CompStat numbers bad?

The numbers are fine and I have to go.

Oh, okay, then why'd you ask for this meeting?

Don't follow me, Terry.

What? I wasn't going to.

This was a very confusing interaction.

-[PHONE VIBRATING] -SANTIAGO: Ooh.

Hello.

PERALTA [SOFTLY]: Hello, Sergeant Santiago.

I've taken your husband hostage.

If you ever want to make a baby with him, you'll do exactly as I say.

Jake, where are you?

Oh, this isn't Jake. This is the Syndicate and you will never see us

because we are everywhere and…

You're by the elevators.

Damn it! Look away. Look away! Okay!

Yes, that's better.

On top of the copier, there's a headset.

Put it on and get in the limo that's waiting out front.

Mmm. Okay. I love you.

I love you too. Now go.

Are you Amy?

-PERALTA: Tell him, "Yes." -Yes.

How does it feel to be played like a puppet?

Okay, I'm walking into the apartment.

Why did you have me get $400 out of the ATM?

Good question. It's to pay for the Airbnb.

You're giving them $400 in cash?

I broke several lamps while trying to hide in the dark.

-Now turn on the lights. -Okay.

Hello. It's me.

Put down the drinks.

Why, are you upset?

Yeah. And now I have to take the Syndicate down.

Oh, my goodness.

To be clear, by "take down the Syndicate", you mean we're gonna…

We're going to have sex. Okay, great.

Yes, absolutely. Take your clothes off.

Boyle, what are those? My guinea pigs.

This lady is Claire, and this guy is also named Claire.

You can't have pets in here. This is a police precinct.

I know. I'm sorry.

I got them for Nikolaj's birthday,

but it turns out he's allergic

and the pet store won't take them back.

I got a friend who works in a lab.

I can call and see if they need any guinea pigs for their research.

They are not science experiments.

They are living creatures with rich inner lives.

Claire number two is stuck on his back like a bug.

Oh, I'll handle this.

Oh. Flip, flip.

Oh, I flipped the wrong Claire.

Stop flipping guinea pigs and get them out of here.

I'll make them disappear, Lieutenant.

Whoa, don't kill them.

They have so much to live for.

They haven't even been to Manhattan yet.

Okay. Coast is clear. I know a safe place.

We can hide these guys until we can find homes for them.

You're not going to murder them? Hell, no!

I love animals, I'm the mushy one on the squad.

Right, of course.

This is it. Supply closet K.

It's full of CPR training babies.

No one goes in there because it's too creepy.

Oh, my God, it's perfect.

Well, I don't want to take all the credit,

but I'm pretty sure doing it

The Jake Way worked and we're getting pregnant.

That would be incredible.

But, feels like you're setting us up for disappointment.

No, I'm just being optimistic. You're amazing.

We're amazing. And it definitely worked.

Didn't work.

Oh, I knew it. I got bum nards.

Jake! Right. Gotta stay optimistic.

We can do this.

PERALTA: So, how are you feeling?

Well, I'm pretty bummed, but…

Amy, could you open your mouth for me?

What? No.

Forget it. I just saw. She's got all her teeth. [SCOFFS]

Bah! Even the back ones.

Did that turn your mood around?

Nope, but it's okay. I figured out how we're going to get pregnant.

By doubling down on The Jake Way.

Ooh, do you think we could rent the phone booth from the movie Phone Booth?

No. From now on we're going to do it The Amy Way.

Does that mean we're going back to the overly scheduled sex thing?

No, we're going to go way more scheduled.

So, even less fun. Big time!

This is a test, and we're failing

because we're not studying hard enough.

Or maybe, this is just one of those tests that you can't study for.

[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

Oh, wow, that's a new laugh.

Come on, we're going binder shopping.

[SIGHS WEARILY]

Off to walk my beat again, much like Sisyphus,

condemned to push the same boulder up the same hill, day in and day out.

You know, according to French philosopher, Albert Camus,

Sisyphus achieved happiness in that absurd repetition.

Any French philosophy post-Rousseau

is essentially a magazine.

You rube.

Oh, hey, Boyle, do you have the Sixth Street case files?

Wait. What's that?

Uh, this? It's my water bottle.

It looks like a water bottle from a guinea pig cage.

True, I got it for the guinea pigs,

but, they're not here anymore.

So I decided to be green and use it for myself.

Ah! Thirst quenched.

What took you so long? [SIGHS]

Terry almost caught me. Had to drink from the guinea pig's water bottle.

Amazingly, he…

Totally bought you'd do that. Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, I'm not surprised at all.

Good news, my niece will take the two Claires. She wants them as pets.

That is great. Okay, now we just need to find a home for ten more.

Ten?

Boy Claire got girl Claire pregnant, made a bunch of little baby Claires.

-Oh, they're having sex again. Oh, Claire. -[GUINEA PIGS SQUEAKING]

Oh, Claire. Claire. Claire.

I got to say, I'm loving these.

I always wanted to wear hammer pants.

Stop. Hammer time?

No. Stop joking around. You're wearing those pants

to keep your testicles away from your body's warm core

so your sperm don't overheat.

Well, I am loving the breeze. I feel like I'm 83.

All right, focus up. This is our pregnancy war room.

On the master calendar, we will track ovulation windows,

menstruation cycles and every uterine deposit.

"Uterine deposit"? Is that we're calling sex now?

It seems a little clinical.

Well, you could always shorten it to UD or "ud."

Yeah, I don't want to do that.

Here's a list of everything you cannot eat while we're trying to conceive.

No more nachos, even if they're in a novelty baseball helmet?

No. Whoa, this is serious.

You will adhere to a strict exercise regimen and sleep schedule.

Also, no more video games because they cause stress

and they raise your heart rate.

More stress than being a police officer?

Jake, I've seen you play Mario Party.

Wario cheats!

I'm just saying, Wario cheats. It's a stupid game.

Look, I know it isn't easy, but this could increase

our chances of getting pregnant by 19%.

Yeah. Of course. Absolutely. So how do we get it started?

Dim the lights, put on some music?

Swallow 35 vitamins each.

PERALTA: Oh, cheers.

Oh.

Let's make a baby!

I probably should have had some water ready.

Okay, basal body temperature is optimal.

Let's do this quickly.

Oh, Amy, I'm not some faucet that you can just turn on and off.

You gotta romance me. Faucet's on, let's ud.

Thank you. [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

Okay. [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

Okay.

[BARKS]

MAN: Sorry.

Thought you separated the males and females.

Well, it's hard. They're all named Claire.

You named them Claire.

Oh, come on.

It's like every woman in this city has all of her teeth.

Stupid Bloomberg and his stupid soda ban.

-[ALARM BEEPING] -Okay, 6:14, it's ud o'clock.

Okay. Here we go.

Mmm-hmm.

So this bag of pellets is your lunch?

Yep. It's a perfect food for the human man. You want some?

No!

[BOTH SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

MAN: Sorry.

Where were you? You're 19 minutes late.

My temperature's shot to hell.

I know. I'm sorry. I got detained by the transit cops

because my baggy pants fell off on the subway.

Let's just ud and get it over with.

Oh, my God.

-There's so many of them. -[GUINEA PIGS SQUEAKING]

Sit. Yeah. Good boy.

You awake? Nope. You?

No, let's do this. Okay.

Shirts on?

Definitely. Okay.

[BOTH SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

Ah!

Make it a double.

My heart has a hole in it. I might as well fill it with booze.

Same for me, except my hole is in my mouth.

It's you! My toothless Cinderella.

Well, that was definitely, technically sex.

Yup.

Maybe that was the one.

Nope. Not the one.

[SIGHS] I'm so exhausted.

Me too. But the doctor said that it could take a while.

I know. It's just, we're doing everything right and it's still not working.

What kind of perfect person you have to be to get pregnant?

We're having a baby.

Oh, rot in hell!

Congratulations, Hitchcock.

It's the first wedding I've ever been to with a cover charge.

It's for our honeymoon. We're going to Barbados and we'll have the island

all to ourselves because it's dengue fever season.

But your wife is pregnant.

You can't live in fear.

Don't wanna spend every moment worried about dengue or black mold,

or those weird spots on the MRI they found on your brain.

Hitchcock, is your brain okay?

The point is, I don't care.

Also, Anna's family's from the old country and kind of conservative,

so try not to mention the baby to them.

Perfect. I'll just do what I always do at weddings.

Not talk to anyone I don't know already.

You're the best, Jake. That's why you're the baby's godfather.

Wait, I am?

[SIGHS] I can't believe they're pregnant and we're not.

How did they do it?

They got drunk and had sex in a public park next to a skunk.

Hitchcock sent me a very long text with a lot of details in it.

I think it was meant for Scully.

Ugh. The world is officially upside down.

Wait a minute. Maybe that's it.

We tried getting pregnant The Jake Way.

We tried The Amy Way. Maybe it's time we tried it…

The Hitchcock Way.

What's The Hitchcock Way?

In every situation, make the worst possible decision.

Okay. What the hell. Nothing else is working.

Let's try The Hitchcock Way.

All right? So first move, get hammered.

[GRUNTS] Drink up!

Uh, these are someone else's.

There's lipstick on mine.

Yeah, there's a cigarette in mine.

But we're doing it The Hitchcock Way, so bottoms up.

All right.

Uh, for those of you that don't know me, my name is Norm Scully.

Uh, Hitchcock is my partner,

and he's also my best friend.

He buys the bear claws I like when we're on a stakeout

or when we're just in the office or at home.

I love him.

Anna Rubov, do you promise to love and cherish

Michael Hitchcock

as much as I have loved him.

I do.

And Michael Hitchcock, do you agree to shower Anna

with the same love and kindness

you've shown me these 30 wonderful years together.

I do.

Dang. Terry didn't know this was gonna be so sweet.

SCULLY: You may now kiss the bride.

BOYLE: Hey, Rosa, good news.

I just talked to someone who said he'd take all of the guinea pigs.

All 600? Why would he do that?

I didn't ask, I just said yes.

Our prayers have been answered.

Who is this guy? We gotta check him out, make sure he's not weird.

He's just a normal guy.

He's a friend of Hitchcock's.

Yep, we gotta check him out.

Yeah, he's gonna turn them into toupees. Oh, my God. He is.

The Hitchcock Way is exactly what we needed, you know.

And these last six months

have actually been pretty hard.

Mmm, no. Hitchcock doesn't dwell on the past.

Hitchcock forgets about the past because of the spots on his brain.

Yes, to brain spots.

BOTH: Oh!

Cinnamon Schnapps!

Barkeep, another round of drink roulette.

Lieutenant, I've never seen you in Shaw's on a Sunday.

Those nights are usually reserved for spending time with your family.

I guess you do make exceptions.

What? The conversation we had six months ago,

the one where you said you wouldn't make an exception for me.

That was so long ago. A lot has happened since then.

Well, to me, it seems like mere minutes ago

because I've been living the same day over and over again.

Gentlemen. Would either of you mind giving some toasts?

People starting to notice we didn't serve any food.

I have something I'd like to say.

Marriage is amazing. To get to spend every day

with the same person, day after day,

month after month on repeat.

The comfort of knowing that tomorrow will be just like today

is truly a rewarding assignment.

-To Hitchcock. -MAN: Here, here.

I'd also like to make a speech.

Most marriages end in divorce, and there's a reason.

It's boring to be stuck in the same routine forever.

There's no value to be found in walking the same beat over and over,

especially when you've been a captain for six years.

-Oh. -HOLT: The point is,

marriage is a waste of my talents, Lieutenant.

To Hitchcock.

[CHUCKLES] These are great.

Really?

I also have a toast to make.

Hitchcock. I always thought I was better than you

because I haven't been divorced seven times,

and I've never been banned from a museum for kissing the statues.

But today I realized that maybe my life would be better

if I was more like you.

Anyway, I got to go make a baby of my own,

just like the baby inside of Anna.

[SCATTERED GASPS]

Nailed it. Thank you.

Why is she saying this thing, Anna?

Okay, bud, are you ready to have some stupid Hitchcock-style sex?

Oh, yeah. Where are we going?

Nowhere. We're going right here

in Shaw's bathroom.

Oh, that's such a bad idea. I love it. All right.

MAN: Occupied.

Someone's in there. Should we wait?

Would Hitchcock wait?

Hell, no. Hitchcock would find an alley!

Oh, this is perfect.

There's probably so many skunks skunking around here.

Oh, yeah. We are gonna make a skunk baby.

Yeah!

MAN: Hello. Huh?

Don't worry about me. I don't want to join.

I'm happy just to watch.

[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

Crap. They're really pissed that Anna's pregnant.

No, it's more complicated than that.

Anna just called her entire family hypocrites.

Wait, you speak Russian?

Huh. I guess I do.

I must have picked it up

from talking to that woman at the coffee cart for the past six months.

[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

Now what's happening?

Anna's mother says that Anna should be with someone

more respectable,

like her sister's husband, Boris, instead of the pig man.

Well, that's too bad, 'cause she already married the pig man.

[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

HITCHCOCK: What's she saying?

She says that Boris is not a good man.

He's cheating on her sister.

She knows because he's the real father of her baby.

Oh. What?

Oh, no!

-[DOOR RATTLES] -[GASPS]

Someone's here, this is too public.

I mean, it wouldn't stop Hitchcock, but fine, I know a secret spot.

[CHUCKLES]

-[LOUD CLATTERING] -[BOTH GASP]

What was that?

What am I feeling right now? Huh?

Are those all your tiny little hands?

[DRAMATIC HORROR MUSIC PLAYING]

[BOTH SCREAM]

[BOTH SCREAM]

And this is the last one.

We rounded up all the guinea pigs.

Not even close.

Guinea pig, guinea pig, guinea pig, guinea pig, guinea pig.

What were you thinking? Breeding guinea pigs at work.

We weren't breeding them on purpose.

They're just very sexual creatures.

And we didn't want to slut-shame them.

Yeah. Sorry you're not more sex-positive, Terry.

I called my friend at the lab.

He's gonna take the guinea pigs.

They're not gonna do any chemical tests on them.

They're just gonna teach them how to run mazes.

Really? I want you to look Claire 38 in the eye

and tell her that.

I'm sending you to a lab, Claire. Bye.

You can't do this!

This is so unfair, Terry!

You're a cruel man!

Thank God, he found a way to end it.

Oh, it's over. The nightmare's over.

There you are.

You didn't wake me up when you left this morning.

I tried. You said, "I'm dead. Leave me, find someone new."

Yeah, pretty hungover.

Look, last night wasn't great, but I think I know why.

We were trying to do it like Hitchcock

when we should have been trying to do it like Boris.

The man who actually impregnated Hitchcock's wife.

So I found him on Facebook and…

Jake, stop.

Why is it so easy for everyone else to get pregnant?

I mean, look at these stupid guinea pigs.

They made 600 babies and we can't make one.

Why can't we make 600 babies?

You can't compare yourself to guinea pigs, babe. You taught me that.

I'm exhausted. And the universe keeps telling us

that it doesn't want us to have a baby.

The message couldn't be clearer, so I'm done.

Like done for this month?

Done. Just done.

Thank you for seeing me. I just wanted to let you know I was wrong.

Until last night, I didn't realize

how much Russian I'd learned.

Yeah. It was impressive. And your accent was great too.

Thank you, but I actually speak with the accent of a peasant.

Anyway, I walked my beat this morning.

I spoke to several people in Russian.

They were so impressed, they opened up to me.

I got a number of useful tips.

All right. All because I made you do something tedious.

Monotonous. Don't ruin this.

Thanks for coming out for Hitchcock's divorce party.

You know you got another gay cake, right?

What? No way.

DIAZ: Says, "boys, boys, boys" on it.

Because we're the boys.

Guys, I figured out what went wrong between Anna and me.

My job. I'm a workaholic.

Not anymore.

From now on, I'm focusing on what really matters.

Come on, Scully, let's get some wings.

Uh, bud, I thought you'd never ask.

Hey, want some cake?

I got a piece with a heart on it,

which I now realize is a butt.

I'm good, thanks.

So listen, I've been thinking about what you said this morning

and it has been a really hard couple of months.

I'm sorry I'm bad at making babies.

Hey, hey, don't say that.

It's not your fault.

And, look, for all we know, I could have…

Don't say you have bum nards.

I wasn't… I wasn't going to…

[SIGHS] But, I think maybe, it's just a thing we can't control.

[SIGHS] That is my least favorite kind of thing.

I know.

I really wanted to start a family.

Amy.

We are family, you and me.

So you know, we can keep trying or look into IVF or adoption,

or if we want, we can forget about the whole thing.

But if we're together, I'm happy no matter what.

I don't know what I wanna do.

Fine. It's okay too.

We don't have to have a plan.

We make the rules.

Maybe it would help to just not think

about the whole thing for a while and see where we're at.

Yeah, okay.

I love you.

I love you.

Should we go? Yes.

Okay.

Nope.

[SIGHS]