Original subtitles

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

Oh, hey, Jake, what's, what's the deal with the office today?

It feels crazy.

Somebody stole 20 bricks of coke

and some machine guns from evidence.

What? It's the first I'm hearing of it.

Yeah, well, you just got here, right? Right.

I need you to find whoever did this and kill them.

So they're dead.

Bonkers morning, huh?

So any idea who did it?

No. But whoever it was had an intimate knowledge of our security systems.

It was obviously an inside job.

I bet it was Brian.

Why do you say that?

Because he once said he has a hot tub.

You know how that crowd is.

I didn't know Brian had a hot tub.

That does sound bad.

Yeah.

But we have to let the investigation run its course.

Right now, everyone's a suspect.

DIAZ: Except for Hitchcock and Scully.

Whoever did it took the stairs.

What will happen to the person, you know, if you find them.

HOLT: Well, they have committed several felonies,

probably looking at, uh, 30-to-life.

So that person could miss 15 Olympics. Cool.

I have to go.

They know the drugs are missing.

They don't suspect me because I'm playing it super cool.

Now when is the hand off?

Yes, I'm alone in the ladies room.

No one can hear me.

Okay, so I know something.

But you can't ask how I know it.

Debbie took the coke and the guns.

Yeah, we know its Debbie. Acting super suspicious.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Debbie, can I see you in my office?

Yeah, sure. What's this about?

We'll talk in my office.

It'll just take a minute. Oh, hey. Wow.

This morning's full of surprises, huh,

first that stolen cocaine

that Hot Tub Brian took,

now this unrelated thing involving me.

Ha. You know what, I think I'm gonna go make a sandwich.

I just I love sandwiches, I'll meet you in there.

Guilty of loving sandwiches, right? [LAUGHS]

Debbie.

Hmm, what do I want in my sandwich? Let's see.

Definitely ham, cheese, baking soda, for sure.

French vanilla creamer.

Ooh, orange chicken. [LAUGHS]

[GRUNTS] Debbie!

You really thought you'd get away with it?

Damn, Scully.

I was planning on eating that orange chicken later.

JEFFORDS: Is that why you took her down?

Do you even know about the missing cocaine?

Cocaine?

So we don't know where Debbie's hidden the drugs.

We searched her car, her apartment,

we even tried the location data on her phone.

But she was smart. She had it turned off.

Or her battery died. According to her Screen Time app,

she plays five hours a day,

the game called, Cool Girl in School.

I love CGIS.

I just made captain of the color guard.

Junior year's looking up.

The coke Debbie took was evidence against Silvio Nucci.

Now, he wanted it gone, I think he got Debbie to do his dirty work.

I'm sorry. You think Debbie is working with notorious

crime boss Silvio Nucci?

The same Debbie who has a denim jacket

that says "Rock 'n Roll"?

It was her. I heard her setting up a drop.

And why were you in the women's room?

It wasn't for a gross reason, the men's room was occupied

and I had to dump out.

Well, as long as it wasn't for a gross reason.

We know you did it, Debbie.

Just tell me the truth.

Let me be your friend here.

Thank you, but I already have plenty of friends.

Gil, Finn. Goldie, Bubbles.

Those are clearly just the names of your pet fish.

Okay, fine.

They're my fish, and I took the drugs.

I'm sorry, I screwed everything up.

Okay, this is good.

Now just tell me why you did it.

Because I need my drugs.

I'm a big time drug girl.

Debbie, I don't think that's true.

I think Silvio Nucci, forced you to do this against your will.

Nucci? [LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]

What? [CONTINUES LAUGHING]

She sat there and laughed for 40 minutes.

She's never gonna turn on Nucci.

I'll bet she's heard stories of what he does to people who testify against him.

Man, I wish there was something we could do to help her.

Why? Well, I know she committed a crime,

but she's clearly in over her head.

I don't think she's actually a bad person.

She's a grown-up who made her own decisions,

and now she has to suffer the consequences.

You might not get it, but personally,

I relate to someone who made a mistake

and can't find their way out of it.

When I was younger, I was thoroughly hoodwinked

by the "so-called" good people at Columbia CD Club.

Next thing you know, I had 16 copies

of Blind Melons' first album.

In high school, I broke into a bunch of houses and wound up in juvie.

What? That's terrible.

I mean, yeah, Rosa's is a little worse.

I was in ballet school, and there was so much pressure

to be perfect all the time that I just snapped.

If hadn't been underage, I would've gone to prison.

It's all the more reason you should have sympathy for Debbie

and understand why she could use our help.

Nobody helped me, my parents kicked me

out of house and told me I was on my own.

I'm so sorry you had to go through all that alone, Rosa.

No, it was a good thing.

I had to face my mistakes and fix them by myself.

It made me a stronger person.

So, no, I don't think we should take pity on Debbie.

Okay, fine. But even so, wouldn't you rather take down Silvio Nucci,

a known crime boss, instead of Debbie Fogle,

a rewards member at JOANN Fabrics?

Yeah, but Debbie's not gonna testify against Nucci.

You may be right, and that's why we're gonna catch him in the act.

Brace yourselves, everyone, we're about to pop that Nucci.

Apologies. That was inappropriate in the workplace.

But in my defense, that was a song that I learned about

from Columbia House, Rosa.

Hmm. All right, here's the plan.

Why are we going this way? The bathroom's back there.

I'm breaking you out, I work for Silvio Nucci.

Oh, my God. You work for Nucci? Me too!

Way too loud, Debbie.

Okay. Press yourself against the wall

to avoid being seen by the camera.

Why didn't she do it with her back to the wall?

Face first seems like such a mistake.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Oh, no, they found us.

No, no, no, Debbie.

Rosa's on Nucci's payroll too.

She's getting us out of here. Oh.

Debbie. Trunk. Now. Sorry. It's a little tight in there.

Oh, I'm not picky. I don't need light or oxygen.

I'm kinda like a low-maintenance plant. Ooh, like a succulent…

That's great, Debbie. But the trunk is closing on its own,

it's definitely not me slamming it.

DEBBIE: So you guys are gonna stay here with me?

Nucci thought we could help you guard the coke.

Oh, I can handle it.

I'm pretty tough. I take self-defense at the women's gym.

Hiyah! Hiyah!

Oh, neat. You actually say the words, "Hiyah" like Miss Piggy.

So when's Nucci coming to pick up the coke?

Uh, could be hours. Could be days. Days?

I don't know. Nucci just said to wait by this burner phone.

-He said he always works like that. -PERALTA: Right.

Of course. We have so many inside jokes about it.

I can imagine. He is pretty funny.

He's always like, "Debbie,

"if you mess this up, I'm gonna gut you like a fish." What? [LAUGHS]

So he threatened you. That's why you went dirty.

No. He offered me a million dollars. I had no choice.

My dad is really sick, and he needed this

expensive experimental surgery. Ah!

What about you guys? How did he turn you?

Well, I've been dirty long before Nucci came onto the scene.

[LAUGHS] I do a ton of coke.

They call me Mr. Springtime because of how fast I make the snow disappear.

Wow, I've never even had a nickname.

I mean, I guess people do call me, "Hey, lady."

Right. Well, I'm gonna let the Nine-Nine know we are looking for you,

you know, so those idiots don't think we broke you out.

Ooh, you think they're idiots?

Oh, yeah, big time. I mean, Holt's a blowhard.

Jeffords is all brawn, no brains.

Boyle's a laughing stock. Amy's just the worst.

I mean, she thinks she's so smart and so pretty

and she makes me feel good

about the world and my place in it.

[CLEARS THROAT] And she smells like [BLEEP]. We've all smelled her.

Rosa, let's go outside.

Hey, you know, that was Undercover Jake talking in there, right?

Relax, man. So you're not gonna tell Amy what I said?

Oh, no, I definitely am. I'm saying relax

because there's no way you can stop me.

Damn it! Well, did you at least text the Nine-Nine

and tell 'em we don't know when the handoff is?

Yeah, but, man, I don't like this.

We found the drugs. We should forget about Nucci

and take Debbie in. What?

Nucci is the real bad guy here.

And you heard Debbie.

She's only doing this to get the money for her dad's surgery.

There are other ways to get money.

She could've gone to a bank. Right, and she's white.

She definitely would've gotten approved. Terrific point.

That's not what I was saying. Ah, we were

both thinking it. Anyways, it doesn't matter.

Our plan is working. What are you worried about?

There's a loose cannon in there

with two machine guns.

She's not a loose cannon.

I saw her apologize to a chair after bumping into it.

Trust me. We're not gonna have any problems with Debbie.

Hey, Jake, guess what?

You made cocaine sound so cool, I decided to try it.

But I didn't wanna overdo it,

so I only did, like, a tiny little toot.

Then I didn't feel anything. So I did, like, a little bit more.

And I still didn't feel anything, so then I did a lot more.

And then I felt it. Like, I really felt it.

So then I did a couple more, like, big ass toots.

Why do you guys keep ducking behind the bed?

'Cause you keep pointing those guns at us.

Oh, my God. Do not worry about it.

It's totally fine.

We need to find out how Nucci got to Debbie.

Fortunately, it turns out she kept a fairly comprehensive diary.

As a power journaler, I think we can hold off on using the word "comprehensive."

Oh, damn, that's comprehensive.

These are all just from this year?

This one is labeled August 21st. Morning.

This one is August 21st Evening.

This entire dairy is about an episode of House Hunters.

This is gonna take forever.

I actually took a speed reading course. I tested at 800 WPM.

That's pathetic. I tested at 802.

That's pretty close to Holt's score.

No, no. 802's incredible. She pwned me.

I read the entire Urban Dictionary

so I could converse with the other uniformed officers.

Finished it in 47 minutes.

I've never been so attracted to a gay man before.

And I dated several in college.

Shall we have a read-off, Santiago?

We don't have finger guards.

So we do it raw.

JEFFORDS: Okay, I normally don't encourage

such childish competitions,

but this might help things go faster.

My only question is, Holt, are you sure

your old ass eyes are up to the challenge?

HOLT: I know you're just trying to motivate me,

but these old ass eyes will be reading your tombstone, son.

Oh, I needed more light in this place.

Now I can finally think, and the ideas are, like, flowing out of me.

Okay, what about this one?

It's hamburgers, but the pickles are coins?

Still feel bad for her now that she's a cokehead?

She's not a cokehead.

She's an innocent girl in a stressful situation who did cocaine one time

and will probably never do it again.

Whoo! Guess who just did more coke.

This is my thing now.

-[CELL PHONE BEEPS] -Ooh, okay.

Is it Nucci? Yes.

He wants to know if I can do the handoff in two hours.

Um, I'm gonna tell him no because I'm having so much fun

with my new best friends, Jake and Rosa.

Ah, no, no, no. Don't mention us.

You know, because you're supposed to be working,

not enjoying yourself.

Right, just keep it short. Say two hours is great.

That's very smart.

And I'm gonna send him my favorite GIF of Mr. Bean giving a thumbs up.

Oh, Mr. Bean. What a stud.

Hey, Rosa, what would you do

if you could do anything to Mr. Bean?

-Nothing. -PERALTA: Come on, Rosa.

Don't be shy. Say what you would do to international sex symbol Mr. Bean's body.

Fine. I would take a very large glass… [BLEEPING]

let himself out.

I see.

Wow. Um, I just have one quick note.

Mr. Bean never [BLEEPING],

beg for mercy.

Ah, great note, Debbie. The point is, we all think Mr. Bean is sexy as hell

and wish we looked exactly like him.

You're closer than you think.

Hmm? Oh, hey, Rosa.

It's not that you're a third wheel or anything,

it's just that we're out of ice,

so could you go get us some more ice, please?

Hey, well, this is full of ice, but yeah.

I'll hit up the Nine-Nine.

You've actually been texting the Nine-Nine a lot, haven't you?

Yeah, to make sure our cover's intact,

and so they don't figure out that we're dirty.

Is that what's really going on?

'Cause I feel like there's something you're not telling me.

I feel like all that coke is making you paranoid.

No, you're paranoid. Now, don't you dare take another step.

[CHUCKLES] Okay. Debbie, what are you doing?

Give me your phone. That's it.

Debbie Fogle, you are under arrest.

What? Oh, my God. Are you not really dirty?

Ah… No. And I'll be taking that gun.

-Hiyah! [GRUNTS] -[GRUNTS]

Okay, so the women's gym and the cocaine have given Debbie super powers. Cool.

Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

You're making a big mistake, Debbie. This isn't gonna work.

I'm such a terrible judge of character.

I was wrong about Rosa, I missed all the signs with my cousin Jared.

[WHISPERS] The sandwich guy. What is wrong with me?

Nothing. You're just coming down from the many handfuls of coke you did.

Right. I'm so dumb. I'm such an idiot! I'm dumb, I'm dumb.

Ah, hey, why don't you let me hold your gun for you?

And then you can hit yourself in the face with your fist like a normal person

having a mental breakdown.

I can't give you my gun.

You'll probably try and arrest me.

Debbie, I'm not like Rosa. Here, check my phone.

I haven't been texting the Nine-Nine.

I have nothing to hide.

I don't know. There are a lot of sweet messages between you and Amy.

I thought you said she stinks like [BLEEP].

She does. Prove it.

Describe her stink to me.

Don't think about it, just say it.

Bad mayo, three-day-old macaroni salad.

Okay, I buy it. I trust you.

Why'd you do that?

Rosa probably told the Nine-Nine that you're corrupt

and they could use your phone to track us to the new drop site.

Oh. Right, smart.

Hey, should I drive?

You know, that way, you can take a nap

and get the coke out of your system. [SNORTING]

And we'll both be calm and you just did a bunch more.

I did! I'm the king of New York.

I'm driving. Whoo!

So how's it going?

What do you want, Terry?

Or are you just here to fan some more flames?

No, I'm just here to see who's losing

and therefore has to wear this hat I made that says, "More Stupider." [LAUGHS]

Fine. Yeah, I'm fanning flames.

Fan, fan, fan, fan, fan, Santiago.

Don't call her, "Santiago," call her, "Virginia Slim,"

because I'm smoking her.

Damn, Ray! [CHUCKLES]

You guys are moving fast,

but there's no way you're actually comprehending anything.

I'm taking my time and reading deliberately,

and you know what they say, slow and steady wins the race.

[SCOFFS] Classic reg-reader bullcrap.

Yeah, what are you gonna say next,

that you read to relax?

[BOTH LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

[BOTH SIGHING]

This is so much better than that dump of a hotel, right?

[SNIFFS] This place has six chimneys.

Uh, hey, Debbie, whose house is this?

Oh, it's mine. I own it, um, until 11 a.m. on Monday.

We have to be out by then, or it's another $45,000 to Airbnb.

But until then, I'm a mansion girl.

What happened to using the money for your father's surgery?

Was that a lie? No.

No, my dad really is sick, but I found out this morning

that my stupid brother Derek already paid for his surgery.

He thinks he's so great 'cause he's, like,

a big shot lawyer and he has a family

and he's not afraid of ghosts.

Well, guess what, I get to keep the cash now.

So take that, Derek, and, you know, put it.

She's a mansion girl

She's so rich and she's hot

She's a mansion girl With a kitchen island

Little pitchy. Still think Debbie's a good person?

Not gonna lie, the whole dad reveal did not help my case.

All right, I'm gonna use her burner phone to call the Nine-Nine.

DEBBIE: Look what I found.

Do you like it, Jake?

Uh, yes, I love it.

Real Cruella De Vil vibe.

No, no, no. I'm not Cruella De Vil.

I would never hurt dogs.

I'm Perdita.

Who? The romantic lead of the film.

Pongo's wife?

The girl dog.

Yes, yes! Of course.

You look exactly like Perdita.

Oh, my God. Thank you so much.

Hey, Debbie? Hmm.

Will you hand me your phone so I can take your picture and you can 'Gram this?

I mean, the house, this coat.

You're gonna wanna show this off to people, right?

That is such a good idea.

I do wanna show off to people.

I just have to make a quick call.

Hi, Mom. Do you like my mansion?

Deborah Lyn, why are you holding a gun?

Oh, my God, Mom!

I'm wearing a fur coat and that's what you focus on?

I hate you so freaking much.

BOYLE: This is ridiculous.

Neither of you have even taken a bathroom break.

Are you kidding me?

Do you think world record-holder Howard Berg

would stop in the middle of a read-off to expel?

Ow.

What's going on, Santiago? It's nothing.

It's my guide finger, I've got paper burn.

Let me see. Hmm. [CHUCKLES]

Santiago, you're hurt.

Don't be a hero. [SIGHS]

Damn, you must've been cooking.

I was. Let's take a break.

Put some ointment on that. Right.

And when I come back, my finger's slipping all over the page. Nice try.

I'm not falling for any of your tricks.

Oh, but you already have, while you were waggling your finger in the air,

I've been reading all this time out of the corner of my eye.

Damn it!

Why are you doing this, Deborah Lyn?

Because you're being so mean, Mom.

Also, I know that if I didn't tie you up,

you'd probably go run and find your phone so you could call Derek.

Maybe we should call Derek.

He could help. He's a lawyer.

Yeah, I know he's a lawyer.

Do you think you could go more than five minutes without bringing that up?

-[CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY] -You have to get the gun from her.

I know, but how do I get close enough?

There's one way. She clearly has a thing for you.

Why do you say that? Just because she has a fantasy of us as a dog couple?

Wait. Yeah, I see it. That's gonna work.

DEBBIE:…very tacky.

And it's like, you don't even care

how many chimneys I have.

Hey, sorry to interrupt.

Mrs. Fogle, we weren't introduced.

I'm Jake, Debbie's boyfriend.

You are? We are?

I mean, yeah, if you're into it.

I am. I do.

See, Mom, I am with someone.

All those psychics were wrong.

So listen, babe.

Yes, babe.

I was thinking… About what, babe?

That we… Go on, babe.

Wow, you really latched onto the "babe" thing, huh? I love it.

Great. Great. Great. Well, anyways, I was just gonna say that,

you know, once we're done with this big score,

we need a place to hide out. Somewhere where the cops could never find us.

Ooh, like Epcot?

Uh, yes, Epcot is great.

That's exactly what I was thinking.

We can kiss in front of the Eiffel Tower,

on the canals of Venice, oh, in the Canada Pavilion.

Yes, but why wait till the Canada Pavilion

when we can start right now, huh?

Oh, my God. This is happening.

Come here.

[BOTH GRUNT]

Hiyah!

What the hell, babe?

Debbie, what's you plan here? Talk to me.

Why? So you can just tell me more beautiful lies?

You think you can just lick your lips and make me weak in the knees?

No.

Nice try, but I closed my eyes, so I didn't even see it.

-[CELL PHONE BEEPING] -Oh, come on.

Oh. Nucci's on his way. [LAUGHS]

And I'm about to be rich.

Debbie, this is bad. You don't wanna be an accessory to murder.

What are you talking about?

What do you think is gonna happen when Nucci gets here

and finds two cops? He's gonna kill us.

Yeah, I know that.

Um, I've obviously thought all of this through

and it all is going according to my plans.

[GUN FIRING]

I'm sorry, I just started trembling and I accidentally…

Debbie, please, just put the gun down!

I just talked to the manager at the hotel where the handoff was happening.

He said Debbie's room was empty and there's no sign of Rosa or Jake.

Is there anything in those diaries that can help us find 'em?

Debbie mentioned her mom a bunch in one of the ones I read.

Seems like she tells her everything. Ooh, that's a good lead.

It is a good lead, isn't it?

Did you hear that, speed freaks?

Let's find out all we can about the mom.

I'll start reading right away because slow and steady wins…

Her mother's name is Margaret Jean Fogle.

She lives in Bensonhurst. She drives a maroon Lexus.

Vanity plates, "DEREKSMOM."

She's been married three times. To Horace Miller.

Then Frank Yelter. And then James Fogle.

She goes grocery shopping on Tuesdays. Water aerobics on Wednesdays.

Book Club on Fridays. She drinks too much wine.

Always a pinot grigio. Always from Napa.

The race, slow and steady wins the race.

Okay, uh, what if I just tell Nucci not to kill you?

You know, we're business partners.

We make all of our business decisions together.

Yep. We're all gonna die today.

Debbie, if you just untie us,

we can help you get out of here.

Okay, but if I untie you, you'll arrest me,

and then I'll go to prison for the rest of my life.

DIAZ: You'll be in prison anyway.

I guarantee you if anything happens to us,

the Nine-Nine will hunt you down.

Okay, okay, okay.

Maybe I should surrender.

Uh, but I don't wanna go to jail.

Okay. I don't know what to do.

Um, Mom, help me.

Now you need my help?

Please. It doesn't matter what I say, you're still gonna mess it up.

Just like you messed up your bangs when you had to cut your own hair.

Well, I'm sure that was a long time ago.

That was last year. I see.

Or when you got in a car accident

when your brother was going to take the bar.

Or when you lost all your money

investing in that cruise line for cats.

Feline Cruise Line.

You know what, you're not my daughter any more.

What? What are you saying?

You have embarrassed me and the family for the last time.

I'm done with you.

Goodbye.

Shut up, Margaret!

Same crap my parents pulled.

Always pointing out my flaws,

never helping and then bailing when things got messy.

You know, I was a lot like you.

You were holed up with a ton of cocaine and a bunch of guns?

That's my business. What?

I spent years telling myself

that tough love made me stronger,

but you know what I really wish they'd done?

What? Been nice to me.

I wish they would've told me I made a mistake,

but they still loved me.

And they would help me try to figure it out.

Would've saved me a lot of pain.

Debbie, you have made some really bad choices today.

Really bad. Not now, Debbie's mom.

You are not a bad person.

If we get out of this alive, I promise you, I will help you however I can.

Wow. Thank you.

Oh, your back is very wet.

Yeah, I guess between the fur coat and all the cocaine,

I've been sweating a lot.

-[TIRES SCREECHING] -That's Nucci, he's here.

Hi, Debbie. Do you have something for me?

Yes, I do. I do have something.

I have two friends.

What the hell is this?

Drop your weapons.

No way. You drop your weapons.

[SIREN BLARING]

FEMALE OFFICER: NYPD! Everyone down on the ground! Down on the ground, right now!

Don't do anything stupid.

I will shoot her. Put down your gun.

Oh, man. Grabbing Debbie was a big mistake.

What do you mean by… [GRUNTS]

Hiyah!

Whoa, Debbie, that was amazing.

Thanks. By the way, Jake thinks you smell like [BLEEP].

What? That's weird. I don't know why she said that.

Anyways, let's get Debbie into a cop car.

Well, you really gonna help out Debbie

or did you say all that stuff so she'd let us go?

I told the DA she cooperated and he agreed to be lenient.

Especially since we got Nucci and the cocaine was returned.

Except for the pound of it that Debbie did.

Yeah, the paramedic said he had never heard a human heart beat that loudly.

He could hear it outside of her body.

Ugh. She'll probably get ten years,

but it's better than 30.

Let's be real. Debbie's life wasn't gonna begin till she was 50 anyway.

Yeah, the kooky aunt vibe will probably play a lot better then.

So, hey, one more thing.

We can never let anyone know that we got beat up by Debbie Fogle.

Agreed. Take it to the grave?

To the grave. This conversation never happened.

I don't even know who you are. That's hurtful.

You took it too far. That's a weird thing

for a stranger to say.

Bye.

Okay.