Original subtitles

[GRUNTS]

Hey, everyone. Sorry I'm late. So, what's this secret meeting all about?

You guys know I'm not medically cleared for another week.

It's not a secret meeting, Jake. It's an intervention.

The tips have to go.

What? Why?

Jake, we're worried about you, and you look very stupid.

Come on, guys. I think they're cool, retro.

No, they're terrible.

Amy, come on. You're digging the tips, right?

No. I feel like I'm kissing Vanilla Ice.

There was a time you would've jumped at that chance.

They have to go.

All right, you guys got me. I did it as a joke.

I kept them ironically. Pretty funny, right?

[LAUGHS] I'm just going to head out.

GINA: Get him! No!

[GRUNTS] Ah!

Yes, Terry!

Okay, okay. Wait, wait, okay, okay. Stop, stop.

I'll admit it. I went too deep down there in Florida.

At one point, I think I forgot where the tip of me ended,

and the base of the tips began.

Before we just chop them off, would anybody like to say some final words?

No. That was one word. That counts.

Thank you, Rosa. Okay, I'm ready.

Sorry I'm late, everyone, but trust me, it's worth it.

Me and Jake are tip buds.

What? No!

No!

You know what, I do see it. It's bad. It looks bad.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Brace yourselves 'cause Jakey is back.

[EXCLAIMS]

Don't everybody mob me at once.

We can high-five one at a time.

PERALTA: Oh, I see. No response.

A little "Welcome back to the precinct" hazing.

Who's behind this cute little prank? Diaz?

Kill yourself. Okay.

I told you. Night shift has everyone a little down.

Yeah, just because you don't get to sleep,

or see your loved ones, or feel the sun,

or do anything that brings you joy. That's all.

GINA: I personally like the night shift.

You know who else is up right now?

Murderers? Armed robbers?

[MOCK ACCENT] Australians. It's a whole new demographic for me to conquer.

[NORMAL VOICE] I already have the third most followers behind Iggy Azalea

and the Perth Zoo wallaby cam.

That's pretty good.

It's not just good, Jake. It's boozer.

Night shift is boring. Listen to the cases I've had.

"Drunk and disorderly, drunk and disorderly, cybercrime."

Oh. Cybercrime. Pretty cool.

Caught a drunk guy humping a laptop. Well, we've all been there.

But my point is this, I don't care what time it is,

I'm always happy to be here.

Nine-Nine!

Nine-Nine!

Noine-Noine! I'm going to keep doing it until you guys chime in.

Noine-Noine!

Sergeant Jeffords, a word.

What is wrong with everyone?

I'm worried our night shift morale problem has gotten worse.

Yeah, you think? I'm sorry. I'm exhausted.

My wife says, when I get tired,

I get night sassy. "Night sassy"?

Hearing problems, much? Sorry.

Should I just go tell everyone to buck up and do their jobs?

No, the squad's only on night shift

because they came down to Florida

to save Jake and me.

It's my responsibility to fix this.

I'm going to brighten the mood by telling a few jokes.

Try this one on for size.

I don't care for cheese.

I'm a "curd"mudgeon.

Well, you're too tired for humor.

If he isn't taking his medicine,

you could mix it in with his food.

Sorry, you can deal with your sick dog later, Boyle.

Well, actually, that was about my son, Nikolaj.

He's got allergies.

I think we may have to go with a nasal douche.

Ah, nasal douche. Cool, cool, cool. Very gross.

Anyways, I'm back to being a cop. It's all I've thought about

for the last six months. Hurtful.

But I won't be fully back until I've solved a case, just like old times.

And I can't do that without my partner.

You're not solving any cases on the night shift.

Lohank?

Oh, my God, you look… Beautiful?

I was going to say "less sad."

Ever since I moved to the day shift, I'm happier, healthier,

my stepson gave me my debit card back.

Lohank is happy and confident? Everything's off. Oh, no.

We're in the Upside Down. That's right.

I'm going to tell you the same thing they told me

when they removed my testicle,

"Welcome to your new life."

No, I'm not going to let the night shift win.

Me and my main man, Boyle, are about to solve a case.

Isn't that right, Charles?

You know we will.

We'll call ourselves "The Night Boys."

Kind of sounds like a male escort service.

The Midnight Men. Even worse.

The Dark Stallions.

Looks like we're going with "The Night Boys"!

I can't believe I'm going to say this,

but the night shift is taking all the fun out of paperwork. Mmm-hmm.

At least we're getting to spend quality time together.

Totally. I'll be back in 40 minutes.

What? Where are you going? We have to finish this by morning.

Yeah, I know. I just have something important I have to do.

What?

I have to get

some pens.

Then why are you putting your jacket on?

Pen store's a block away.

The nearest pen store is seven blocks away,

and it doesn't open until 9 a.m. I learned that the hard way.

You really think you can lie to me?

No.

You're lying to me right now! You do think you can lie to me.

Yep. Wait. Hang on.

Was that a lie? I don't know, maybe. All right, see you.

Our first case. Tasty little B&E, just what the doctor ordered.

Not actually. She recommended another week of bed rest.

I was like, "Whatever, dorkus."

[LAUGHING]

Check it out. Ducking under police tape.

I missed this.

[EXCLAIMS]

Charles. I got it.

Yes, on it, on it, Jakey. Got it.

What do we got?

Back window's broken, two sets of sneaker prints,

alarm went off at 11:43, and security arrived at 11:46.

Perps were already gone.

Okay, I'm thinking classic us. I'm thinking old times.

I'm thinking…

Riggity-riggity role-players! Riggity-riggity role-players!

Yes! Okay, I'm Jacques Guillaume, and you are Henri Renault.

We are cat burglars on vacation from France.

I love it. Although, Henri went to an elite international school,

so he does not speak with an accent.

Nice way to flesh out the characters.

Thank you. Okay, so, I break the back window,

make my way over to the jewelry case.

Meanwhile, you're standing lookout…

Oui, oui.

…by the front door, smoking a cigarette.

Check it. Ash.

Oh la la! Okay, so, I am smoking.

What are you doing?

Jacques rolls his own cigarettes,

a habit he picked up from a prostitute in Marseille,

but that is not all he picked up.

Why do all your characters get STDs?

Because they're living life!

All right, so, I go to the first case, smash, steal a bunch of watches.

Move over to the second case, smash, bracelets.

But then, we hear a sound, and…

I yell, "Les gendarmes! Ils sont ici!"

And I know what that means because I'm French,

but I ask you to repeat it in English, just to be sure.

"Police are here!" Yes. We gotta get outta here,

so we turn to leave, you flick your cigarette.

Using the cane, using the cane, this is awesome…

Voilà! Ze butt.

I thought Henri didn't have an accent.

It comes out when he gets excited.

Great news, everyone.

We just got our first lead on our first case on my first night back,

proving once and for all that absolutely nothing has changed.

[GRUNTS]

Yeah, this opens in instead of out now. They switched it a month ago.

Yeah, so, the door changed, sure, but that's it!

Well, we have got ourselves a case and a key piece of evidence.

We should be wrapping this thing up in no time.

As long as we do it before sunup.

As soon as the shift is over, I kind of have to get home.

But we're going to work it till it's done, right? That's how we do it.

Yeah, I just like to be home

as soon as Nikolaj wakes up, so I can make him breakfast.

Sure, yeah, not a problem. We'll be home by sunup.

Just like a couple of sexy Twilight vampires.

"I am Robert Pattinson. I vant to turn into a bat."

I've never seen the movies. No, me neither.

They're an insult to the books. Okay.

Crank up the tunes, Boyle. The Night Boys need an anthem.

Something dark, something tough,

something… I already got it.

All night long

You know what? I'm into it. The night shift won't slow us down.

Why is this going so slow? Where is everyone?

Well, it is 3 a.m. It's a pretty bare-bones crew.

Hi, can I help you? Are you lost?

Can I get you something? Coffee, tea?

You know what? We're in a bit of a hurry.

Can you run this DNA for us?

Well, of course.

Sorry, not many people stopping by at night. Sometimes it makes you like…

[EXCLAIMING]

Right?

-I'll be back in a sec. -PERALTA: Cool.

Yikes. Not exactly the A-Team at this hour.

A-Team? Are you guys talking A-Team?

I love that show. I could download it.

We should binge it! This is going to be fun.

Yep, totally excited to watch five full seasons of television with you,

but could you actually run the DNA for us first?

It kind of feels like you're prioritizing work over our friendship.

Because I barely know you?

Fine, message received.

Welcome back from your third massive break of the night.

Thanks.

I was being sarcastic.

Where do you keep going? Not saying.

Tell me, Diaz. Nope.

Come on, tell me. Tell me, tell me…

Not talking about it. Nope.

Fine.

I was in the bathroom. I'm having stomach problems.

Oh, okay. Yeah.

Sorry. It's real bad.

No, that's okay. You should've been there.

I don't have to hear it. It was like a massacre.

Multiple flushes. Please stop.

Attention, squad. Everyone gather around.

I've been researching ways to raise morale,

and I found an interesting article in a scientific journal.

Was it from The American Journal of No One Cares?

According to a recent study, the physical act of smiling can improve your mood.

I suggest we give it a shot.

Now, you all try.

Big smiles, bigger, bigger!

Great. Now, we just have to stay like this for the next two hours.

Can you feel it working?

I don't have any enamel on my teeth,

so the cold air is excruciating.

Maybe if you brushed your teeth

once in a while, this wouldn't be a problem.

I do brush my teeth. They're decaying from acid reflux.

You're embarrassing yourself.

Crikey.

You're not Australian, Gina.

Get stuffed, you drongo.

Guys, seriously, too much exposure to air, and they will turn to dust.

This isn't working out as well as I'd hoped.

Time for the next level, forced laughing.

[LAUGHTER]

Wow, that lab tech took a long time.

Once we agreed to go to his birthday party,

he was actually pretty fast. But most importantly, we got a DNA match.

We're looking for Dave Smith.

Sounds like a real piece of crap.

You said it. Now, we just gotta pull his files from records.

Yes, then we bust him,

and we'll be done with plenty of time before Nikolaj wakes up.

"Nikolaj."

"Nikolaj," yeah, I said it.

Nikolaj. Nikolaj.

Not even close. "Nikolaj."

Nikolaj. Almost. "Nikolaj."

Nikolaj. I feel like I'm saying it.

You know what, it doesn't matter. Hit me with the music!

All night long All night All night

Hi, there, we just need to pull a file…

Can't. System's down. They do maintenance at night.

That's okay, we'll just go to another precinct.

That's all. Yep.

All night long

All night

Hi, can we get this file, please? We're in a bit of a hurry.

Oh, absolutely, honey.

She's going extremely slow.

She's going so slow.

There we are.

My glasses.

Yeah, all right, we'll just go to Five-Four.

All night No.

Hello, hi, please, file now, hurry.

Sorry, dude.

I don't know how to get onto this system.

I'm a temp.

May I?

Great, let me just get over… Good Lord, that is porn.

Is that not allowed? It is not.

No problem, let me just close these tabs.

You've got a lot of them.

Type 3 and type 9 and 12 and 13,

those are all the diabetes I have.

It's true what they say, night shift makes for strange bedfellows.

In your dreams, perv.

Ugh!

Rosa?

What the hell? She said she was in the bathroom again.

Nah, she hasn't been to the bathroom since 8:27.

What? Also… Ew. Come on, Hitchcock.

Busted. [CHUCKLES]

Man, this Dave Smith's bad news.

Armed robbery, aggravated assault, attempted murder.

Well, he's about to get a visit from The Night Boys.

This stupid limp is slowing me down.

Charles, can you… Give you a piggy?

What? Yeah, jump on it. I'll give you a piggy. [SNORTS]

Actually, I'm good. I was just going to ask if you'd hold my bag.

Yeah, sure, that makes more sense.

Yeah. Embarrassed.

Anyways, this is great.

We're definitely going to catch this guy before sunup,

and you will be home to see your kid.

No! Son of a bitch.

[KNOCKING]

Jake, come on in.

Nikolaj, look who it is. You remember Jake Peralta.

From the stories.

Yeah, we talk about you at bedtime.

Look at my cement truck.

He loves trucks. Cool, it's cool, buddy.

Listen, I know you're with your kid,

but I checked the file, and our perp's last known address

is, like, two blocks from here. Really?

We gotta go take him down.

Yes, there's the Charles I know.

Tonight, Dave Smith goes down.

Tonight? No, Charles, we gotta go now.

You saw this guy's rap sheet.

He was arrested for attempted murder…

Tickling, attempted tickling.

Right, tickling.

Look, Charles, this guy's a real doody-head, all right?

He tickled once, he may tickle again.

He might be tickling as we speak.

We could be dealing with a serial tickler.

I really want to go, Jake, but I'm here alone with Nikolaj.

Genevieve doesn't get back for three hours.

So, let's just take him with us.

No, that's crazy. Or is it just crazy enough to work?

[GROANS] Just crazy.

[SIGHS] Man, it stinks you've gotta watch him.

It's really messing everything up.

I mean, that came out wrong.

I love that you have a son. It's not messing everything up.

Just messing up our ability to solve the case and have fun.

[GROANS] You know what I mean.

I'm a nice guy. I'm in the right.

I'll just go myself. Bye, Nikolaj.

"Nikolaj".

PERALTA: Yeah, whatever. See you.

I know your shift is over, and you've had a challenging night,

but I think I've found a new way to raise morale.

Follow me to the briefing room.

What's all this?

It's an after-work hang.

Just trying to "turn up," as it were.

We got snacks, games, decorations, chairs.

Yes, chairs!

Cool, maybe we can mill around and small-talk

about how some of us are big lying liars

who lie all the time like a bunch of liars, Rosa.

I don't think that's good party convo.

Maybe we should just name our favorite sailing knot.

I'll start. The bowline.

How about some tunes?

Cool, merry-go-round music.

Yeah, John Philip Sousa, the Skrillex of his day.

Come on, people, hit the dance floor. Have a good time.

Why is no one having a good time? I specifically requested it.

Gina, why aren't you dancing?

I can't. I'm in the middle of a feud

with the "that's not a knife" guy from Crocodile Dundee.

He's being a real bitch.

Fine, I guess I'll just stop the party.

I didn't realize it ever started.

Enough.

I tried to make this fun. I even learned what Skrillex was!

Sorry you're all miserable, but guess what, so am I.

I'm exhausted all the time, I never see my husband,

the late-night NPR programing, pure garbage!

I'm done trying. We can all be miserable together.

Just go home.

I saw you earlier. You weren't in the bathroom.

You were on a park bench, playing on your phone.

Yeah, you left me to do everything

while I thought you were pooping.

I wish you were pooping. I wish to God.

I'm sorry.

Oh.

Rosa crying, don't know what to do.

Pat, pat. This feels wrong.

We put away Figgis three weeks ago.

Pimento should've been back by now.

We had plans to meet on that park bench once the coast was clear,

but he hasn't shown up.

Maybe he's deep undercover,

or he doesn't remember who he is, or maybe he's dead.

Wow. Thanks.

You're right, my fiancé's a total weirdo who's probably dead.

I'll just give up on him and go do my paperwork.

No, Diaz, wait. Maybe he's just really, really injured!

Come on, Amy.

All right, "Fiske, Jones, Thompkins…

"Smith." Smith.

Hey, NYPD, freeze!

Slow down! This isn't fair! I have a cane!

Stop! Stop, stop, stop. NYPD.

NYPD. I need to commandeer this vehicle.

It's a crossover.

It's a crossover SUV, and you can't have it.

I'm a cop. Can you please get out of the car?

No, this is Schmidt's mom's car,

and I'm more scared of her than I am of some two-bit thug.

I'm not a thug. I'm police.

Okay, then name one law.

Don't kill people.

That's on me. I set the bar too low.

Look, can you please just get out?

Okay, you can drive, but I'm not getting out.

Right. Also, I have the seat warmer on.

I don't just have a really hot butt.

Doesn't matter to me. A perp is getting away. It's very hot.

I can't believe this is happening. Thanks a lot, New York.

You know what? If your city's so great,

then how come it's not the state capital?

What? Who cares about the state's capital?

This is the concrete jungle where dreams are made of.

That doesn't sound right. "Where dreams are made of"?

I don't know. You tell me. It's your dumb city.

It's grammatically odd.

Whatever, I'm sure wherever you're from

has strange songs written about it, too.

Los Angeles?

Damn it, all the songs there are so good.

Watch my soup!

I'm chasing a criminal. Your soup is not important.

You took an oath to serve and protect. That applies to my soup.

You know that's not what the oath is about.

You're making a point you don't even believe in.

Garbage truck!

[BOTH YELLING]

Damn it! He got away.

Well, I spilled my soup. You tell me which is worse.

My thing! Very clearly, my thing.

JEFFORDS: Captain Holt, can we talk to you?

What is the meaning of this? Am I the subject of a punking?

It's a beginning-of-work hang.

And why are you all in such good moods?

Because you told us that you're miserable, too.

SANTIAGO: And that means you'll fight to get us off the night shift, right?

Well, here's what I have to say about that.

The night shift stinks. Stinks like a butt.

And I will do everything in my power

to make sure we get back to the day shift.

What are we standing around for? Put some Sousa on already.

I want to get wild.

Well, well, well, if it isn't one

of the world-famous Night Bros.

It's "The Night Boys,"

and why did I correct you? I would've preferred "Bros."

Did you solve your case yet? No.

Night shift, am I right? You remind me of me.

It's not the night shift, okay?

I found the perp, and I would've taken him down,

but I'm hobbled, and I didn't have a partner

because ever since Boyle had a son, that's all he can focus on.

Whoa, hey. Are you angry at Boyle for having a kid?

No, I'm just mad because I'm working the night shift,

and I have to use a cane, and, yes,

the one thing I could always count on no matter what,

Boyle being there for me, is also gone.

What do you say we let day-shift Lohank take a crack at this?

I'm going to put a little something up in the old hopper.

You tell me if it vibes with you.

That's so gross.

Life moves forwards, not backwards,

and things will never be as they were.

And you can be angry about that,

or you can embrace the fact that your best friend now has a son.

How cool is that, amigo?

"Amigo. '' All right, fine, yes, I'll admit it is pretty cool.

Boyle's wanted it for a very long time.

And I guess I haven't actually spent

that much time with Nikolaj yet. "Nikolaj."

Man, am I seriously about to take emotional advice from Lohank?

You know you want to, compadre.

Go to him.

Hey, I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have said that about Pimento.

I'm sure he's going to come back.

I'm not even thinking about it anymore.

That wasn't even me crying in the bathroom earlier,

that was someone else with these same boots, but now she's gone.

Look, when Jake was in witness protection,

and I didn't know when he was ever coming back,

you were always there when I needed to vent.

So, I'll do your paperwork,

and if you ever want company on that bench, I'm there.

Thanks. I would advise against it, though.

If he does come back, things are going to get real raunchy real fast.

Like, we do a lot of licking. That's probably indecent exposure…

Okay, got it.

You know what? I'll just start with this stack right here.

Thanks, Rosa. Okay, good talk.

Hey, what's up?

I can't work the case tonight.

Nikolaj's allergies are acting up,

and now the dog seems to be allergic to him. It's this whole thing.

Did you find Smith?

No, he actually got away.

Sorry, man. It's all right. It's the day shift's problem now.

Whatever happened to working it till it's done?

Honestly, Lohank kind of talked some sense into me.

Lohank?

Yeah, it was so gross.

But I want to apologize. For what?

Well, I kept talking about how I wanted

everything to go back to normal,

but if that actually happened, this little guy wouldn't be here.

Or is he big?

I don't know what size kids are supposed to be,

or anything about kids, really.

I think maybe that's part of the problem. It doesn't matter.

I got a present for Nikolaj.

Thanks, Jake. Come on in, give it to him.

Niko.

Hey, little man.

A garbage truck!

You want to know something cool?

A truck just like this almost killed me today.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Kissed me, almost kissed me.

Anyway, let's get some trash in this thing. Am I right?

You're silly.

Yep, I am silly.

Oh, my God, this is a dream come true.

I gotta get my phone. I gotta film this.

But then I'll miss it. But I want it forever.

But I should stay in the moment.

But then I'll forget.

Oh, my God, this is a nightmare!