Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the most anticipated event

in this precinct's history.

The auction for…

[ALL GASP]

The Suitcase of Mystery!

GINA: Exactly, Jacob.

This puppy's been in the lost and found since 1976.

No one alive today knows its contents.

I'm happy to say Captain Holt

has finally given me permission to auction it off.

I'll let you give me a spray tan.

Any shade you want.

Jake, willing to sacrifice his dignity.

Who can top it? Massage!

I'll give you a massage.

Charles, going in the wrong direction

and getting himself disqualified.

Interesting approach.

Orange Jake, going once, going twice.

I'll show you a picture of me in high school.

There is side-pony.

Ooh. Ooh! Rosa coming in hot! Rosa coming in hot!

I'll also give you full control of my hair and wardrobe!

I'll go on a date with you.

Sold! To Jake, not to Scully.

That really freaked me out,

and I just want this to end now. Whoo!

So, there was this suitcase…

I don't care. Yeah.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

HOLT: All right, everyone, enough morning chitchat.

Television happened, commutes were difficult,

Boyle had a dream.

I laid a goose egg on this…

That's enough. Yeah.

A pipe burst in the Nine-Eight,

rendering the building uninhabitable.

They'll be sharing our space

until the problem is fixed.

-[ALL GROANING] -What?

A whole other precinct in here?

We're already packed in like sardines.

Look at this.

Man, I sure would love to be here to greet

all these annoying losers, but sadly,

Boyle and I are going to be on a stakeout all week.

Yeah, just two best buds

stinking up a Saturn

with our druthers of tunes and personal pan pizzas.

That sucks. That sucks.

No one enjoyed that.

Look, I know this is an inconvenience,

however, I expect you all

to be accommodating to our guests.

Don't worry, sir, we will be cordial A. F.

"As Frasier. '' Love that show.

DIAZ: They're here.

SANTIAGO: I hate those Nine-Eight losers.

Ugh! These guys are the worst.

Hey, Stevie Schillens?

Jakey P in the place to be.

What are you doing here?

I thought you were in the One-Two-Four.

Ah, I was, man,

but then I arrested all the bad guys

in Staten, so I transferred to the Nine-Eight.

So dope.

Everyone, put on your parkas, 'cause this week

just got a whole lot more chill.

BOTH: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Allow me to introduce

Stevie "Chillin'" Schillens.

He was my very first partner

and one of the all-time greats.

Takes one to know one, man.

Come on.

I'm Charles!

Whoa-oh!

Hey, what's up, man? I'm Stevie. We heard.

Stevie and I were beat cops together.

We called ourselves the Beatsie Boys.

And, yeah, it was as cool as it sounds.

So what'cha, what'cha

What'cha want Cha want

I get so funny with the money that you flaunt

So, y'all would just stand around like that?

Yeah! All the time.

Totally get it. My first partner was also pretty cool.

Everyone called us Chucky and the Coot.

So what'cha, what'cha

What'cha want Cha want

I get so funny with the money that you flaunt

So, I guess we all had great partners

that we've completely moved on from.

Because yours died of old age?

He did.

Anyway, we should motor.

Jake and I are staking out a bar called the Thirsty Ox…

Lot of crime, lot of danger,

lot of downtime for inside jokes.

[HOARSE VOICE] "Would you like some milk?"

[CHUCKLES] What?

"Would you like some milk?"

[NORMAL VOICE] The guy… 'Cause you look like…

I don't know what you're talking about.

"Would you like the milk?" Please.

PERALTA: What's it from? It's funny. He remembers. Funny.

Okay. Very funny.

You know what's crazy? I've been tracking a dealer

who just took a job at the Thirsty Ox.

No crap.

We should work the case together.

The Beatsie Boys reunion tour?

Tagline, boys will always be boys.

No wait. Some boys never change.

No wait. Boys to men back to boys.

No wait. Boys! No wait.

Please, make yourself at home.

Captain, why are you doing this?

You hate people in your space.

Nonsense. I'm an easygoing chap.

Okay. I once saw you use a ruler to measure another ruler.

It was off by half a centimeter.

It never should've been in circulation.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Oh, he just sat at your desk.

[INHALES SHARPLY]

Good. Good. I was hoping he would.

He's adjusting your chair settings.

Even the lumbar?

Exclusively the lumbar.

So my spine'll hurt a little.

It's only a highway holding all your body's nerves.

GINA: Mmm-hmm.

You guys have an extra mouse for my computer?

No. But, hey, here, you can borrow mine.

Terry knows his keyboard shortcuts!

Ooh. Just deleted everything.

Sir, we have a problem.

Yeah, we do.

The line for the microwave is insane!

Seriously, Amy?

Your problem is

Hitchcock and Scully's frozen burritos?

No! Yeah!

Get out of here! Ugh.

I'm trying to assemble my binders,

but my new desk mate, Brian,

brought a dog with him

and my allergies are going crazy.

I'm so stuffy, I can't even enjoy that new binder smell.

He shouldn't have a pet in the precinct.

It's a "service animal" that he has for made-up reasons.

I have mild foot pain, okay? Francie helps me with that.

How?

Legally, you're not allowed to ask me that.

Ugh!

That is nothing.

My new desk mate

chats.

Now, I like to think of this little lady

as a city girl who married a farmhand.

[CHUCKLES]

She also likes to look up recipes online

and go, "Who's got the time?"

Okay.

Captain wants things running smoothly,

so why don't you both just move and work from my desk?

See? Everything is gonna be fine.

Whoa.

Guy just took my whole computer.

The dealer I'm looking for is Tom Ozerov.

I arrested him a year ago on a first-degree felony,

but he made a deal and walked.

Dude's a real lowlife.

Yeah, we've seen that guy.

I said he looked like a lowlife, remember that, Jake?

His pants were too tight. Yeah, yeah.

Hey, you know what else is too tight? Hmm?

Us working a case together again.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Swurt. Whoo!

Yeah, we say "noice," not "swurt."

Look, I'm so sorry, but I don't think there's room

for a third person on this case.

Jake, we should work it solo.

Oh, hang on now, Boyle. Let's not be hasty.

I mean, Stevie's been tracking Ozerov longer than we have.

And three heads are better than two.

Three's a crowd. Everybody knows that.

What about in The Lion King? Hmm?

When Jamone and Purboy became friends with Steemba.

That's not the names. It's Simba, Timon, and Pumbaa,

but I appreciate you trying.

It really is a perfect analogy.

All right, I'm in. Stevie can work the case.

All right!

Charles Boyle,

welcome to the Beatsie Boys.

ALL: Aw!

-♪ We're driving in a ♪ -♪ Car ♪

-♪ Destination: Drug Dealer's ♪ -♪ Bar ♪

-♪ Pass the mic right over to ♪ -[TOGETHER] ♪ Charles ♪

We forgot Charles.

♪ But we can't turn back 'Cause we gone too farles ♪

We have to turn back, though. We can't leave him.

It was a good rhyme, though.

Hey. Hey, buddy.

Look, I'm not gonna waste your time

with some lame excuse

about why we left you behind, all right?

Just the truth.

Stevie and I were taken hostage

by an Armenian biker gang

and thrown on a cargo ship headed to Asia,

but we're back now.

Don't worry about it. You can work the case without me.

I'm busy bonding with my new desk mate, Paul.

Hi, my name's Paul.

Shh. Paul, nobody cares.

Charles, I'm so sorry. Don't be mad, okay?

We need you to work this case with us.

And you're way too good for Paul.

Stop trying to flatter me.

Jake, face it, I'm not a Beatsie Boy.

All right. Well, then neither am I.

The Beatsie Boys are finished.

If you're gonna be part of the group, we need a new name,

a name that you're gonna come up with.

Police Pals. Okay, it's decent.

You can come up with a couple options.

Not necessary. That's the one.

Okey dokey, let's go.

HOLT: So, Gina, how's it going?

What's the gossip? "What's the gossip?"

You can't stand being in your office with him, can you?

No, I'm just curious about your life. I like to gab.

So, uh, tell me about…

boys.

Okay. I hate this.

Captain, you've gotta stand up to that office hog.

Be stern, like me.

Notice I'm not sharing a desk with Flynt's assistant.

'Cause he's over there.

No eye contact. Get back to work. Ugh!

Listen.

You just say the word,

and I will barge in there and kick that dude out.

Don't be ridiculous. He's my superior officer.

But more to the point, he's a welcome guest,

and I am a good host.

He locked you out of your own office, didn't he?

Yes, very much so.

Oh, Raymond.

Why do we all got to sit in the back?

Because we are all here together, and we are all equals.

Hey, I've got an idea.

Why don't we listen to some sweet stakeout jams?

Ooh, do you have the satellite

radio station Sedan Rock?

Seriously?

Why not just go straight for the Toni Braxton while you're at it?

Oh, so, now you're gonna make fun of Toni? Who is this joker?

STEVIE: Oh, check it out. Guy entering.

Wait, I know that dude.

He buys from Ozerov.

I mean, something's going down.

I say we gear up, and we bust in.

Like we did at Pacala Ristorante, remember?

[DRAMATIC ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

That's how we do it in Brooklyn.

Yeah, okay, it sounds pretty cool,

but Jake and I already talked about how we'd play this.

We had a pretty sweet convo about it. Remember?

I think we should do surveillance,

collect intel, and build a case.

Sure.

So, we all got stories, pal.

Look. We need information.

If we bust in there and Ozerov doesn't have any drugs,

our whole operation is blown.

But I know this guy, all right?

He never works out of one place for long.

I guarantee you he has drugs on him

and if we don't get him now, we never will.

Well, too bad for you, because Jake agrees with me.

We're always on the same…

Page? Yes! Told you.

Actually, Charles, I think Stevie's right.

No. You said "page."

I know, but he knows this case, and I trust his gut.

But, hey, let's go catch a bad guy together, right?

Gear up, Police Pals!

Hey, what is that?

Thought we were Beatsie Boys.

You didn't even tell him.

Rosa, do you need to listen to it that loud?

[HEAVY ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Yes!

I'm trying to drown out the sound of Ellen,

the chat factory, over there.

My daughter got me a juicer for Christmas.

-Did you know that you can juice nuts? -What?

I'm two seconds away from juicing Ellen.

I know it's tough, but Sarge…

Ah, no! Shoo, shoo, shoo!

Shoo! Shoo!

Can you at least put her on a leash?

She's a medical professional. Okay?

Would you keep a doctor on a leash?

That dog does not help you with your foot pain.

You just want an excuse to bring her everywhere!

Your dog is a fraud.

Fraud dog! Come on.

Fraud dog! Fraud dog!

Fraud dog! Juice Ellen!

Juice Ellen! Fraud dog!

Whoa! Both of you, outside now!

I know it's crowded in there,

and they're not very considerate guests,

and they took my mouse,

and then they took my keyboard,

and then they took the whole computer.

And when I had nothing else to give,

they came for my yogurt.

No, not just any yogurt.

Full-fat Greek with a touch of honey.

That's a once-a-week treat!

[MICROWAVE BEEPS]

What the hell are you guys doing out here?

Finally eating breakfast.

We snuck the microwave out here

so we could cook our burritos like real policemen.

HITCHCOCK: Now they have to use the toaster oven.

Enjoy your 16-minute cook times, idiots. [CHUCKLES]

Guys, this is amazing.

Back off, it's our microwave! Ours!

[GROWLS]

Nobody wants your microwave!

But look, the Nine-Eight's stuff

is blocking the windows.

They can't see us out here.

It's so peaceful and spacious.

This could be our new beginning.

All right.

Can't let Ozerov ditch the drugs.

We got to go in fast and strong.

I don't know about you, but I can use some adrenalin.

A little slap-slap-boom? Hmm.

What's slap-slap-boom?

Oh, it's just this thing we used to do to get each other pumped up

where we slap each other in the face. You don't have to do it.

No, I want to. I want to go first.

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Shh. There's movement.

But I'm the only one who got slapped in the face.

Charles, we gotta go!

NYPD! Show me your hands!

Hey, Ozerov, I'll have a martini with a twist.

The twist? You're under arrest.

None for me, I'm driving… You to jail.

He's clean. There's no drugs on him.

Damn it. We wasted those cool lines on nothing.

Also, we blew the case.

That's obviously much worse.

That was my first thought.

Look, I know that we didn't find any drugs,

but I still think it was worth the risk.

Well, I think it was a crap circus.

This whole operation is blown.

If you ask me, the Beatsie Boys should be called

the Thoroughly Messed-Up Millies.

What?

I can't even imagine what you're going for.

I was being devastating!

Look, man, I get that you're pissed,

but I am telling you, Ozerov is dirty.

Maybe, but if we had staked the bar out,

we could've built up cases against a dozen guys here.

This place is filled with criminals.

I brought him in last month.

Hey, Detective Boyle.

Hi, Isaac.

The only good thing is, now this whole trio

doesn't have to work together anymore.

Yes, it does. Charles, you did it.

You saved the case.

What? Why? I didn't want to.

Correct me if I'm wrong,

but consorting with known felons is a parole violation,

meaning we have grounds to search Ozerov's home.

Hell, yeah! Jakey P with the save! Uh!

PERALTA: Well, you know, Boyle is the one who pointed it out.

He deserves the credit. True, true, true.

Good job, Earl!

You know my name is Charles.

So, if we're gonna start a secret office on the roof,

we need equipment.

That means chairs, desks, printers, pens.

But we gotta sneak it out,

so we need a distraction.

Okay, here is what I'm thinking.

We give that dog a bunch of chocolates.

It dies.

While everyone celebrates…

Okay, Amy's too close to this.

Rosa, you got any ideas?

Hitchcock and Scully just set fire to the kitchen sink.

-Oh, boy. Oh, boy. -[SMOKE ALARM BEEPING]

Perfect!

Let's use that.

I looked everywhere. I didn't find anything.

Did you? No.

But mirror-top coffee table,

iguana cage, samurai swords on the wall…

Either this guy is a drug dealer,

or he used Nic Cage as an interior designer.

He might be a drug dealer, but we have nothing on him.

Quick question, guys.

Why did the drug dealer never do his dishes?

Because he had drugs in his dishwasher.

Oh, yeah! The dishwasher?

Hit me.

Here, it's for you.

Hello? Hey.

What's up, dude? It's me.

We got the drugs, man.

Hang on, Charles wants to say hi.

Do you have any milk?

Not a stranger in sight.

It's beautiful.

I've never heard the printer sound so happy.

I feel like it knows.

JEFFORDS: We did it.

A new world.

This must be how the Founding Fathers felt.

So,

what are you doing out here?

Captain, it's mayhem in there.

Those people are messy and selfish.

And chatty. And out here,

we can actually get work done.

But… Sir, I'll handle this.

We love it.

We're proud of you. We want in.

No. You're acting like little children

playing basketball

who've fallen behind by several two-pointer buckets,

so you just take your basket home,

and now no one else can play.

I know it's not the time,

but you gotta watch basketball

if you're gonna try to reference it.

Sergeant, this is boorish behavior.

I wanted you to be a good host.

You told me to make it work,

and I came up with a creative solution.

Diaz finished her arrest reports.

Santiago did the filing of 10 men.

HOLT: I don't want to hear it.

Just clean up this mess and get back inside.

[PRINTER BEEPS]

Paper jam.

It does know.

Attenzione, dingbats.

Perchance a riddle. Shakespeare.

What has six thumbs and just arrested a drug dealer?

BOTH: These guys.

[LAUGHING]

Charles, thumbs up.

I said "six thumbs" and we're only showing four.

We're starting to look like fools.

STEVIE: Come on, Charles.

There it is.

That's the ticket. Whoo!

All right, man, I'm gonna go check in with Flynt.

You do some research on where we're gonna celebrate tonight.

Here's my only requirement,

it has to be at your house 'cause I ain't got no money.

Okay, how about at my house?

-Swurt. -[BOTH LAUGHING]

Yes!

[SIGHS]

BOYLE: Psst. Hey. Hey.

What are you doing? Come here.

What?

I think Stevie's bad news.

What? Oh, come on, Charles.

You know, you've been acting weird about Stevie all day.

I think you might be jealous.

Of course, I'm jealous.

I was never hiding that.

How? He's tall. He's funny.

He can pull off an earring.

He doesn't have an earring.

But we both know he'd look good with one.

Oh, my God… What do you want me to say, Boyle?

I've been trying to include you in this all day long.

And, yes, I forgot you that one time,

but I made up for it.

I slapped you in the face.

You're supposed to be my friend.

I'm an adult man, I can have two close friends.

Hell, I can have three close friends.

You wouldn't. I would.

[SCOFFS] Maybe I'll get in touch

with my friend James from college.

Ooh. Or you know who just looked me up online?

Brad from camp.

Stevie planted the drugs.

Come on!

I looked in that dishwasher before him, and it was empty.

Stevie planted those pills.

But you're right, he's the coolest!

You guys should go get your ears pierced together.

Invite Brad. It'll be smurt.

It's "swurt", not "smurt".

So, joke's on you.

Damn it, Stevie!

Hey, I logged the drugs.

You know what that means. It's time to celebrate.

You know what that means. Let's eat big sandwiches!

I gotta talk to you in private.

Come on.

Okay.

Uh…

This is cozy.

Well, the precinct is so crowded,

this is the only place no one can hear us talk.

Listen.

I know you planted the drugs at Ozerov's place.

What? Charles checked the dishwasher,

and he didn't see any drugs.

Yeah, well, they were there. All right?

I guess he just missed them.

Probably busy hiking up his pants above his belly button.

He has to do that because they don't make pants

short enough for him.

Look. Don't lie to me, man.

Dude, the guy is a drug dealer. All right? [GROANS]

I wasn't gonna let him walk again.

But you get it, though, right?

You're not a tight-ass like Charles.

You know, I wish I was like Charles.

He's a good cop and an honest person,

and when we go on stakeouts, we do listen to Toni Braxton,

and it's super sad, and it's awesome.

I can't believe I'm saying this, Stevie, but I gotta report you.

Ow!

Did you just Donkey Kong punch me?

There's not enough room to regular punch you.

[GROANS]

[BOTH GROAN]

Ooh, all right. It's on.

What's going on? Ah!

He did plant the drugs.

You trusted me.

Oh!

Son of a bitch! I hope there's room in this fight for three.

There's not.

You have a 2:30 meeting with small-head, big-body.

I forgot to take his name.

DA Brayburn.

Deputy Inspector Flynt,

do you mind if we have a meeting here in the office?

Actually, I do mind.

I'm not really in the mood for company.

I just had a bad loss in an online poker game.

HOLT: Of course.

Anything for our guests.

PERALTA: Get back here, you crap basket.

You're going down!

Help! He's attacking me for no reason!

-[ALL GASP] -[GRUNTS]

Stevie Schillens, you have the right to remain…

A loser. Noice.

But, now legally, I have to start over, Charles.

-Stevie… Oh! -[ALL GASP]

Get off him. We just made up.

[GRUNTING]

Paul? I thought we had something.

Get Nine-Eight.

Hope your dog will help with neck pain.

She doesn't help with any pain.

I made it up.

Ha! I knew it!

DIAZ: Hey, Ellen.

I got your farm girl.

You wouldn't.

Bessy!

Terry got his computer back.

Oh, come on!

[ALL YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

Sarge, take off your shirt!

It's restricting your movement.

[BULLHORN BLARES]

What the hell is going on here?

Yeah.

What are you guys doing?

Brawling with other police officers?

What were you thinking?

Sir, I had nothing to do with it.

I was arresting a dirty cop.

I heard you scream out "I love this!"

Yes.

"This" being justice.

I love justice.

And to make matters worse,

our radiator was broken during your wild street-ball scrum.

So, now we have no heat.

Which means we'll have to work in the freezing cold,

and our guests from the Nine-Eight

will have to relocate again.

No smiles. No smiles.

This is a sad day for our precinct.

Dismissed.

[ALL GRUMBLING]

Captain.

You know what's kinda weird?

There was no one fighting over by the radiator.

You were the only person standing near it.

I suppose, in the hubbub,

I may have tripped and busted a pipe.

-[ALL CLAMORING] -[METALLIC CLANK]

I knew it!

I knew you couldn't stand having someone in your space.

He used my letter opener

to cut his tuna sandwich in half!

You were right.

They were disrespectful and had to go.

And, yes, sometimes you have to come up

with a creative solution.

And sometimes just a bunch of dudes

need to get into a room and just…

[GRUNTING]

Take that! Yeah, yeah, yeah! [GRUNTS]

That's not the lesson here.

Okay, Captain.

BOTH: ♪ Unbreak my heart ♪

♪ Say you love me again ♪

You know what? I like this song!

♪ This hurt that you caused ♪

Hey, you don't get to sing.

Shut up! Shut Up!

[SCOFFS] The nerve. Unbelievable.

♪ Uncry these tears I cried so many nights ♪