Original subtitles

[MAN GRUNTS]

[ALL GASP]

Peralta, are you eating an Italian sub for breakfast?

I am, but Amy said I should eat more veggies,

so I got extra pepperoncinis.

Smart.

Excuse me. You need to watch yourself.

I'm sorry. Cop.

[CHUCKLES] All right, let's everybody just stay calm here.

Or what?

Are you gonna arrest me for dancing?

You call that dancing?

[CROWD MURMURING]

This is dancing.

What is happening?

I'm defusing the situation.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

[CROWD CHEERING]

Whoa! Dancing Captain.

Must capture image of a lifetime!

Oh! Why is my phone always dead?

-I paid $13 for it. -[CROWD CHEERING, APPLAUDING]

Don't worry, Jakey. I got it.

Okay. Oh! Ahh!

My hands are covered in butter from making butter.

I'm on it!

Must record, must record!

Camera on. All right. Here we go.

HOLT: Dancing over.

Situation defused.

No!

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

BOYLE: Jakey!

Hey!

Are you guys wearing one scarf?

Yep, Charles forgot his this morning.

It's actually quite romantic.

I think he did it on purpose.

Uh, let's just say,

I definitely did it on purpose.

[GIGGLES] Now, twirl me, darling!

You got it, sweet potato.

I can't get away from you.

All right, you guys are adorable.

Tell me everything the doctor says

about your uterine climate.

Oh, and also that.

Genevieve and I have big news.

Is this something other people would keep private?

Big time! We're trying to have a baby!

Oh!

Wow! That is awesome.

But wait, Charles,

I thought you were sterile.

I distinctly remember you using the phrase…

Shooting dust.

Yes, thank you for not making me say it.

Yeah, it's true I lost the ability

to procreate after the accident.

Drop your weapons!

[GRUNTS]

[SCREAMS]

Yeah, I still don't know why you dove in crotch-first.

Thankfully, my ex-wife,

Eleanor, made me get a vasectomy

a year before that.

As a precaution, I froze some sperm…

A lot of sperm.

Guy going in after me was like,

"Whoa! Nice!"

Wow! He sounds like a gross dude.

Yeah. Should we go into work?

Yes. Great.

Hey, so do you think maybe

you're rushing into the whole baby thing?

I mean, you guys have only been dating three months.

She's the one, Jake.

I'm done with that playboy lifestyle,

out till 11:00, drunk on sangria.

I don't want that anymore.

I just want to be a papa.

Okay, yeah, so, hey, this is awesome.

You're gonna have a baby.

I know! [CHUCKLES]

And you're gonna be its best friend.

Ah, well, based on the age diff,

maybe more of a fun uncle/mentor.

Baby's best friend.

All right, so, non-negotiable.

DIAZ: Here's the deal, Steven.

We already got you on shoplifting.

Now let's talk about the 200 cloned

credit cards in your bag.

I'm not saying anything.

Look, punk, there are two ways we can do this.

The easy way, or the hard way.

Tell him what the hard way is, boss.

Well, first, Steven,

we're gonna fill out form 38E-J1, stating noncompliance.

We send it to the DA,

but do they process it right away?

No, because they're overwhelmed

because Debra's on maternity leave.

So your court date won't be set for six or eight weeks,

and even then, you're gonna have to block off the whole day,

because they don't give you a specific time.

No, no, it's a window.

Sir.

Can I talk to you for a second?

I thought we were gonna try to scare him.

There's nothing scarier than the realities of the municipal court system.

Now, come on, let's get back in there

and tell him about how bad the website is.

Look, I'll talk.

Of course you will.

But I'll only talk to her.

You want to talk to Gina?

Yeah, hi. Do you sell purple pants?

All right, well, good day, then.

[JEFFORDS SIGHS]

It's not the turnout I was hoping for.

Maybe I should've offered free strudel,

then at least Scully would've come.

There's free strudel?

Where the hell did you come from?

I don't get it. I am shocked that more people

wouldn't want the tutelage of our precinct's…

Nay, our city's most esteemed sergeant.

What do you want, Santiago?

To learn the majestic art of self-defense

from our city's… Nay, our country's…

Come on, man, out with it!

I want to start class.

Okay, I'm applying for a mentorship program

for up-and-coming detectives.

It's called "Star Achieving Mentors, Star Achieving Mentees,"

or SAM-SAM for short.

Would you write me a recommendation?

Of course I will. You'd be great.

Thank you, Sarge.

All right, everyone.

Pay attention.

Santiago, I'm gonna come at you, and you're gonna take me down.

You better impress me if you want

that recommendation to be good.

I'm gonna try, Sarge. [CHUCKLES]

All right, here we go.

[SCREAMS]

No, no! My nose!

My nose! You broke my nose!

Oh, there's so much blood! I'm so sorry!

Get me a towel! Okay, all right.

And that's what you get for lying about free strudel.

Karma's a bitch.

Get out of here, Scully!

Case closed, justice served.

Peralta amazing… Oh, God.

No, no…

Charles, Charles!

Your ex-wife is here.

Eleanor?

The destroyer of worlds?

Why? Maybe it's nothing bad.

Maybe some of your mail got sent to her house.

Oh, God, I hope not.

If that happened, she would be livid.

Oh, well, just don't assume the worst. That's all I'm saying.

Then why did you bring up the mail thing?

I don't…

Hello, Chunk.

Heard you want your sperm.

You're gonna have to go through me.

Oh, no, this is way worse than the mail thing.

What mail thing? Nothing. There's no mail thing.

There's no mail thing. But it's my sperm.

How did you even find out I wanted it?

Because the account's under my name.

Storage facility called me saying that

you were looking to make a withdrawal.

So I went ahead and withdrew it for you.

[WHISPERS] I have all of your sperm.

But you don't even care about it, Eleanor.

I mean, remember?

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] "Oh, hey, Charles,

"I'll never have a baby with you

"because I don't love you, and a child's not gonna fix that!"

Oof. When he started doing the silly voice,

I thought it was gonna be more fun, but wasn't.

Well, I do not want your DNA. I want something else.

I hit some dumbass with my car. Now he's suing me.

What I want is for you to use your badge

and your gun to intimidate him into dropping the case.

Wow, that is so very illegal.

He's not doing that.

I don't care. You have 48 hours to do so,

or I'm gonna take your sperm,

and I'm gonna dump it into the East River.

[NORMAL VOICE] Please don't do that.

And there will never be the possibility

of a little pie-faced Charles Boyle Jr.

Proud of it, it's me.

She can't do that. Can she do that?

Stay calm.

We're gonna talk to a lawyer and get a professional opinion.

Damn.

I can't believe you signed this contract.

The sperm is her legal possession.

It also says that she, and I quote,

"Owns your dignity."

You initialed right next to that.

Oh, no, Jake, this is a total disaster!

I'll never be happy in my life.

Why are you smiling?

Because this is exactly what we've trained for.

It's a hostage situation,

and we're gonna bring your boys home.

All right, Charles, I know that you're freaking out

and you think you're never gonna be a father,

but don't worry, there's no way

I'm gonna let Eleanor do anything to your precious…

Boyle oil? Ugh. All right, I'm out.

She can do what she wants. No, no, no.

We'll just call them hostages.

All right, fine, let's get to work.

Here's what we know about Eleanor.

BOYLE: Oh, my wedding day.

I should've known it was a mistake

when she said, "I suppose," instead of, "I do."

Yowch. All right.

Hostage taker, Eleanor Horstweil.

Age, 42. Occupation, bank manager.

No priors. Clean bill of health.

Current husband, Hercules Thikalonos.

Don't bring him into it. We're actually quite close.

Noted. You divorced in 2010.

She got the house, both cars,

and 85% of your salary going forward.

That's a typo, right?

It is not. How did she get so much?

My lawyer was Hercules. That's how they met.

That seems real unethical.

Again, lay off Hercules. He's quite a decent man.

All right, look, we need some sort of bargaining chip.

Is there anything you got in the divorce that she wanted?

Yes. Abigail.

I'm gonna just assume Abigail's something super weird.

Nope. She was our hairdresser.

Okay.

It was awkward for her to see both of us, so she made us choose.

I mean, I couldn't get rid of her.

She's the only stylist in New York that can do this.

Right, and do you think Eleanor still wants Abigail?

I mean, you saw her hair today.

[LAUGHS] It's all volume, no sheen.

[LAUGHS] Okay, maybe we can use this.

Time to put on our negotiation faces.

Not too intimidating but always in control.

How's this? [INHALES DEEPLY]

Oh, as if you don't know it's perfect.

Hey, Sergeant.

How are you?

Well, my baby cries at the sight

of my face now, so that's great.

I mean, she's a baby,

she could be crying at anything. [CHUCKLES]

Nope, she pointed right at my nose and then threw up.

What do you want, Santiago?

I was just wondering if you finished

writing that recommendation letter.

It's due pretty soon.

I'm working on it.

It's taking a little while because it's hard to concentrate,

what with all the agony.

Okay, well, thank you for still doing it.

If it helps, I brought you some soothing ginger tea.

Will it repair the place where my nose came off my skull?

I don't know,

but it's supposed to have healing vapors.

So try inhaling it?

Oh, thank you.

[SCREAMING] It burns! The vapors burn!

SANTIAGO: I'm sorry! I'll take it back! [SCREAMS]

Oh, God, I'm sorry! I'll get some cold water!

No, no, don't.

I am petrified of you!

All right, remember, this is a negotiation.

We can't let her know how badly you want this.

Jake, what if she destroys the sperm?

She's not gonna do that, Charles,

because then she'd have no leverage.

All right, you know this, they never shoot the hostage.

ELEANOR: Hey!

Did you threaten that 90-year-old man for me yet?

What? The guy you hit was 90?

Yeah, and you would know that if you had talked to him,

which obviously you did not, so goodbye!

PERALTA: No, no, wait, wait, look.

We can't help you out until we know that

you actually have the samples.

We need proof of life.

I'd be happy to dump one of the containers out of the window.

No, no, no, don't do that, please!

Don't dump my sperm on us!

Hello, ma'am. Top of the morning to you.

[CLEARS THROAT] All right, look, if you let us upstairs,

we'll give you Abigail.

I'll buzz you in.

And that is how it's done.

Like taking candy from a baby.

Why would you bring up babies right now?

It's a saying.

Who would do that?

The question is, why would someone want to talk to Gina?

That's very rude.

It's obvious why the guy wants to talk to

a civilian like her, he's stalling.

That's also rude.

Maybe he wants to talk to a normal person

instead of two rude cops.

Well, whatever his reason, we have no other choice.

Gina, take his statement.

Yes, thank you!

I'm gonna get this guy to admit

to crimes he hasn't even committed.

No, that would be a huge problem.

Copy that.

We'll get you a file on him so you can study up.

That won't be necessary. I'm gonna go with my gut.

He asked for Gina.

Let's give the people what they want.

[DOOR OPENS]

Steven, Steven, Steven.

You mind if I take a seat? Go for it.

Oh, boy.

Look, I'm not a cop.

I don't really like cops.

Honestly, I think crime's kind of cool.

Okay.

Yeah, you get it.

Are we still holding out hope that this might work?

I am. Let's give her a shot.

I feel like you and me are really bonding.

I'm ready to give you immunity.

HOLT: No, you're not. That's not happening!

Gina, come out of there.

Negative.

The guy wanted to talk to a real person, not a cop.

That's why he asked for me.

Actually, I asked for you

because we went to high school together.

What? Steven Henderson.

We had a bunch of classes together.

Steven Henderson. We made out once on the bus.

I mean… Do you not remember me?

Uh…

Eleanor. Jake.

Charles.

Okay, you just said your own name, bud.

It was the only one left.

Okay, so we have given you Abigail.

Now it's time for you to make good on your side of the deal,

and, I can't believe I'm saying this,

show us Charles' sperm.

It's my sperm.

It's in the freezer.

I'll be right back.

Are you sure you know what you're doing?

Abigail was our only bargaining chip.

Don't worry. I have a plan.

As soon as she comes back in here,

I'm gonna grab that cup right out of her hands

and run like hell. You think that'll work?

I don't just think it will.

I know it might.

Here it is. Cold and sad. Just like you.

How do I know that that's really Charles'?

I'm gonna have to read the label up close.

If I could just take a look… [LAUGHS]

-Go, Boyle! -[BOYLE SHOUTS]

You really think I'm that stupid?

It's called a dummy cup, dummies.

Damn it. She's right, it's empty.

I'm actually kind of relieved. I did not want to see that.

You two are messing with the wrong woman.

And now you're gonna pay for it.

Wait, wait! Eleanor, Eleanor!

There are two real containers.

One is in a safe location,

and this is the other one.

Or rather, it was the other one.

-No! -[GARBAGE DISPOSAL WHIRRING]

She shot a hostage.

Charles, what are you doing?

I'm sorry, but I don't have a choice, Jake.

I'm gonna go bully an old priest,

so I can get my sperms back.

He's a priest?

Yeah, I looked him up.

He's a priest, a 90-year-old priest.

But don't worry. I'm not gonna hurt him.

I'm just gonna casually yawn…

Thereby exposing my gun and badge.

Listen, you can't do this, Charles, it's illegal.

I have to. You saw what Eleanor did to millions of my babies.

I heard them scream!

That was you.

I am them, and they are me.

You could go to prison, okay?

You're right. You're right.

What am I thinking?

Thank you for looking out for me.

Yeah. Friend.

No! What… Charles, what are you doing?

No, no, no! Not the keys, no!

Oh, I should've known.

You're a hugger, not a shaker.

BOYLE: It was the most painful thing I've ever done,

and I've taken three of my grandparents off life support.

How are you always in charge of that?

Wait, Charles, do not get in that car!

He's getting in the car. Sorry.

-Don't you drive away! -[ENGINE STARTING]

-He's driving away. -[TIRES SCREECHING]

Charles!

-[COMPUTER BEEPS] -[GASPS]

I just got an email from SAM-SAM.

Rejected?

I've never been rejected from anything.

Me neither.

Oops. Did you say rejected or ejected?

I've been rejected a lot.

I don't understand.

My application was so good.

You know what? I've also been ejected.

Flume ride, Topeka, Kansas.

How did this happen?

Just forgot to put on the belt.

Jeffords.

Good talk, Ames.

You wrote me a bad recommendation. How could you?

Excuse me?

It's the only explanation!

You're mad that I broke your face

and I burned your whole body.

Well, grow up!

Grow up?

I have a Roth IRA!

I eat wheat toast! You grow up!

You know what?

Here's the letter that I sent.

"Amy Santiago is one of the finest detectives

"in my precinct… Nay, the entire NYPD."

Yeah, I even used the word "nay."

The idea that you would question my integrity is so…

Uh-oh.

I got to sneeze. This is gonna hurt!

Oh, God.

[SNEEZING]

[JEFFORDS GROANS]

Oh, Hitchcock, thank God!

Handcuffed yourself to a car? Been there.

What? No, Charles did this.

Here, quick, hand me those keys.

Here we go.

What will you give me for them?

Seriously? What do you want?

A dollar for a soda, mine are all wet.

Yes, obviously, I'll give you that! Bam!

A soda only costs 75 cents, you fool.

See you later, sucker!

Didn't even give him the dollar.

I know it seems like I blew it,

but you got to give me another crack at him.

Now that I'm aware of our fascinating past,

I have all the ammo that I need.

Perhaps you would've had that ammo

if you had read the file Diaz offered you.

No doubt. No doubt. Gina culpa.

Okay, you get one more chance.

I will not let you down.

Steven, Steven, Steven, I have one question.

Who on the basketball team was into me?

I want names.

What? [SLAMS TABLE]

We don't have time to play games, Steven.

That's it. I'm pulling her.

No, no, let her keep going.

GINA: Question two.

Who on the lacrosse team is into me,

and which one of them aged the best?

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR STEREO]

AUTOMATED VOICE: In 4,000 feet, stay straight.

You interrupted the song for that?

[ROCK MUSIC RESUMES]

Hello.

Father, I understand you were recently involved

in an automobile accident with an Eleanor Horstweil.

Oh, yes, uh, she came up onto the sidewalk

and fractured my hip.

You were a pedestrian?

Are you technically a pedestrian

if you're sitting on a bench?

Sitting on a bench.

Well, okay, I don't want to tell you

to drop your suit against her,

but I sure am getting sleepy.

Excuse me?

Yawns a-coming.

[YAWNING]

[GROANING]

I got you. Hi, there. I'm Jake.

This is my best friend, Charles.

He's trying to have a baby. You get it.

Now, come here, you.

[PERALTA GRUNTS]

Charles, I know you're mad,

but you have to talk to me.

It's funny how getting tased in the back

can break your heart

and also really hurt your back.

I'm sorry.

I really wanted to be a papa, and you ruined it.

You pop-blocked me.

I know, but I couldn't let you break the law.

And I won't let Eleanor turn you into a bad person.

What other choice do I have?

There's always a choice, Charles.

And by the way, DNA is not the only thing

that makes somebody into a father.

I mean, not that it's any of my business,

but I have a biological father, and he's a nightmare.

He never played catch with me.

He never taught me how to ride a bike.

I had to learn how to shave from watching Home Alone.

Makes sense, it's like Die Hard for kids.

Plus, is this how you really want it to go?

Eleanor controlling your life, ruining your career?

So what do I do?

Honestly, I don't know.

But I do know that you're gonna be a great dad

with or without your… Boyle oil.

Nope, not gonna say it. Oh.

But you will.

There's still time left on Eleanor's deadline.

I'm gonna unlock this door.

You do what you got to do.

[DOOR BUZZES]

That seems like a bad sign.

Hey, Santiago,

you know why you didn't get into SAM-SAM?

Probably because I used a modern format on my cover letter

that put my email above my home address.

Why take such a risk?

No, I sent the recommendation letter

to the wrong place.

I thought you were applying to be a mentor, not a mentee.

You thought I wanted to be a SAM, not a SAM?

Are you insane?

Well, you should be a SAM.

No, I should be a SAM.

We got to start saying something other than SAM

because we are barreling toward a misunderstanding.

Amy, you are ready to be teaching others.

I made a call, you're going to be a mentor.

Oh, my God.

Sergeant, I'm so sorry for ever questioning your integrity.

Thank you so much…

No, no, no, stand back.

Look, I'm still very scared of you.

Good news. I got Steven to talk.

Diaz, fantastic. How did you do it?

Did you finally show him the municipal court website

and the pull-down menus you can't click on?

No, I found something we bonded over.

She didn't even know who I was.

And we were good friends.

On more than one occasion, she's called me Gina.

That's her own name.

No, she didn't.

We complained about Gina for an hour,

and then he opened up.

Gave me the name of the guy he works for.

I have never been so insulted in my entire life.

I'm not gonna work cases for you guys anymore.

We were never going to ask you to.

[LAUGHS]

You just lost your best detective.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

Charles, thank God. What happened?

I did it. Did what?

I'm freaking out over here, you stormed off.

Yeah, because I was inspired by you.

I ran all the way to Eleanor's house to tell her off.

What do you want, Chunk?

To let you know you can keep my sperm.

I don't need it.

I'm in love and I'm going to be a dad,

and there's nothing you could do to stop me.

So, goodbye forever.

Oh, and one more thing.

Tell Hercules I'll see him at spin class on Sunday.

Now goodbye!

How do you guys feel? Great.

We were looking at possible donors on the way over.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Check out this guy.

I like him, he went to Yale.

Oh, wait, that says Yeal University. Swipe him off.

This is fun. That's weird.

That guy kind of looks like my dad.

Wait a minute. That is my dad.

You cannot use his sperm.

My son would be your brother!