Original subtitles

Hey, Boyle, I need a recommendation for a good restaurant.

It's Marcus' birthday and I wanna do something… Nice.

Ooh. Do you want classic romantic or gastro sensuous? Ugh. Never mind.

I know those categories. You guys are talking dates. Here's what you do.

Invite him over, order some fancy takeout, throw it in a pot, and

act like you cooked it. I got the idea from Yahoo Answers.

Dude, I'm not gonna buy a pot. We're not married.

GINA: Okay, do you know what time it is?

Because, my hoodie does!

Look at that. Mmm. I have either two or four words for you.

Drag queen, dim sum.

You're talking about this Friday night? Everything's going to be booked.

We're only 72 hours out and we're still in the brainstorming phase?

You gotta postpone.

You can't postpone a birthday, Amy.

But if you can't get a reservation, you can always go home and shampoo his hair.

Please stop always recommending that. Well, it's always romantic.

You could go to the top of the Empire State Building. That's very romantic.

Huh. Maybe I will.

And you can pee on the whole city from up there.

ALL: Come on!

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Take it. Take it. Come on! This stupid machine won't take my dollar.

That's half a dollar taped to a pizza coupon.

It's good for a cheesy bread worth $2.50.

You would have made money on this deal, machine!

Hey, Sarge, can I borrow a dollar?

No. No more loans. You already owe me way too much.

The Bank of Terry is closed.

What, are you sailing away on a tugboat?

Man, I love tugboats.

It's not a tugboat! I'm locking the vault!

All right, fine. How much could I possibly owe you? 50, 60 bucks?

$2,437.

Dollars? Wait, of course dollars. Why was that the part I was surprised by?

Jake, I would appreciate it if you paid me back.

Well, that's the craziest thing anyone's ever said to me.

"I would appreciate it if you paid me back?"

Good. So you heard it, too.

I've been in debt to him forever and he's never cared before.

Something's up. I'm gonna drop everything and figure out why he's acting weird.

Or you could just pay him what you owe.

[LAUGHS] Hilarious, Rosa.

[LAUGHS] Hilarious.

Santiago, whenever you can, please drop off those case files.

You got it, partner! Be right in.

"Partner?" What is going on? Is this a Make-A-Wish thing? Are you dying?

Is it from loneliness?

I found a mistake in one of the Captain's old cases

and he asked me to work it with him. As partners.

We're taking our relationship to the next level.

From awkward underling to awkward colleague,

this is a real ugly duckling story.

We're going to bounce ideas off each other,

eat street meat while we stakeout some perp,

bond over burned coffee…

Santiago! Now means now! Hmm?

You got it. See? Can't wait to work with me.

He's clearly pumped.

Hello, Terry. I just thought I'd stop by and let you know

that I'm on my way to the bank.

That's right. I'm going to pay you back because I know your secret.

What are you talking about? I don't have a secret.

Oh, really? Fact the first, after years of not caring about my debt,

you weirdly want me to pay you back now.

That implies to me that there is a sudden unexpected expense.

Or I got sick of waiting for you to do the right thing.

Not plausible, you have endless patience for my shenanigans.

Fact the second, you've had dentist appointments twice in the past two weeks.

No one goes to the dentist that much.

I haven't been in seven years.

You should go to the dentist, Jake.

Probably. My teeth hurt all the time.

Fact the third. I'm really liking this "fact

the" thing. I'm going to stick with it.

Fact the fourth, I found this on your desk.

It's a list of names. Nathaniel Jeffords, Alexa Jeffords…

Those are my cousins' names.

Lies! There is but one conclusion.

You, Terry Jeffords, are pregnant! The names are baby names.

The dentist, an obstetrician. And the money is for baby things! Like diapers.

[LAUGHS] What are you talking about, man? That is crazy.

Damn it! Does anybody else know?

No, just you and your wife, and Crash.

That's what I think you should name the baby,

works for a boy or a girl.

Listen up, Jake. We just found out Sharon is pregnant

and it's way too early to tell anyone.

This is a secret. Do you understand me? Yeah.

Do you? Do you understand me?

This got physical very quickly.

This is adult stuff, Jake. Be serious.

Look, I promise I won't tell anyone. All right? My lips are sealed.

Good. Do I even weigh anything to you?

No, it's like holding a couple of grapes.

Okay, partner, let's bang this out.

Should we grab a cup of coffee, bounce some theories off each other?

I solved it already.

Oh. Then should we grab a cup of coffee, you could tell me what you found out and…

No, we can do it here. The fires were set by Richard Wilcox,

a firefighter who was first on the scene at all three fires.

Okay, uh, now we just have to work backwards. Figure out why.

He was up for a promotion and wanted to look like a hero.

Yep. But how are we gonna find this bastard?

After all these years, you know, it could take…

He owns a store. I have the address.

Okay. I could drive.

No. You don't know where we're going. But if you'd like a cup of coffee,

there's an old bakery in that neighborhood.

The coffee there is terrible

but I would enjoy the nostalgia.

I love terrible coffee. Now, let's put away Richard Wilcox, that no good punk.

He's 86 years old.

You don't outgrow punks, sir.

There you are, Sergeant. Installment one of TBD.

Twelve hundred bucks, that's everything I have.

You should also note it's all in singles

because it takes so many bills to fill up a briefcase!

Thanks, Peralta.

You know, it's nice to finally have someone to share this secret with.

I'm pregnant, man!

Yeah, we're pregnant! "We" because I convinced you not to get a vasectomy,

so if it wasn't for me, you'd have no penis.

You still don't know what a vasectomy is?

Hey, so listen, I was thinking now that I've proven I'm fiscally responsible,

how would you feel about me being the godfather?

How about this, you don't tell anyone about the pregnancy for four weeks

and I'll think about you being the godfather. Yes!

Oh, also, I put a list of baby names in there.

My favorite? Nakatomi, after the tower in Die Hard. Works for a boy or a girl.

What's going on? How'd you get all that money?

By putting bad guys behind bars. I work for a living.

Jeez. I emptied out my checking account.

Wait. You've owed Terry for years,

and now suddenly you give him every penny you have? Why?

Why? Oh, wait. Because.

That is not an answer.

No. Well, because you guys got in my head

about owing Terry money and it convinced me

that it's important to pay back your friends.

Well, you owe all of us money

so does that mean you're going to pay all of us back?

Yeah, Jake, or is there something special about your friendship with Terry?

Nope, nothing special about Terry. I'm gonna pay everyone.

Man, I really hoped to say this to a drug dealer who killed my whole family,

but it's payback time.

All right, I made a nice little dent into my Terry debt.

No applause? Seriously? Okay, I see how this is going to be.

All right, how much do I owe the rest of you?

$4,009. What? How is that even possible?

June 3rd, 2008, paid for your lunch. $8.45.

June 3rd, 2008, bought you a soda. $1.05.

June 3rd, 2008, lent you $4,000 for an entertainment system.

Oh, there it is.

Stopped keeping track after that.

Sure. Sure. Okay. How about the rest of you?

Uh, 710 dollarinos.

$856.32.

Okay, very specific. I'm sorry, you guys, but I can't pay that.

It's too much money.

Why don't you just take back the money

you gave to Terry and split it six ways? Then at least everyone gets something.

Yeah, but Terry needs the money.

For what?

Uh… For butt enhancement surgery.

Smart. That's a real problem area for Terry.

PERALTA: Yeah.

What? I am not having butt enhancement surgery, nor do I need it.

Okay. So split up the money.

No, no, no. How about this?

I'll work off my debt to each of you.

How's that sound? I'll do anything you want.

Anything?

Am I the only one that was super creeped out by that?

No, that was definitely creepy.

Yeah. He wants you to do something real weird.

Hello, partner! Two coffees black for me, milk for you.

You remembered how I like it!

Yes with milk. It's just one ingredient.

And you remembered it. Hmm.

Anyway, no sign of Wilcox. Maybe we should talk about deets of the case,

plan our next move, grab a little chow.

No need. I brought these. Nutrition bricks.

I have, um, original noflavor and whole wheat noflavor.

Nutrition bricks sound great.

Or we could grab a little street meat. Kind

of a classic stakeout food, but whatever.

Huh. Meat. From the street. Sounds like a fun treat.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm a poet and didn't even know I was rhyming those words.

But it happened anyway.

That's a great idea, partner. Let's grab some street meat.

Okay.

How's working your debt off going?

Horrible. Rosa's making me clean her motorcycle.

Payback's a bitch.

God. So many great payback lines wasted on this.

Damn, this bike's muddy.

And this isn't even the worst thing I had to do.

Gina made me call people and tell them she was dead to see how they'd react.

Is she crying? Is she crying? A little.

You should be wailing, you stone cold bitch! Now call my other grandma.

And then there was Scully.

Lower, lower.

I'm at your butt. Lower.

Apparently he carries his stress in the B-cheeks. Oh, God. I'm so sorry.

Well, at least, I can help you out.

No, no, no, no. That will only make people suspicious.

Besides, I don't mind doing all of these horrible things,

because I want to keep your secret safe for you

and Sharon and Miata, works for a boy or a girl.

Well, well, well, what are you hens clucking about?

What? Nothing. What do you want, Boyle?

To be paid back. I want you to wash my dogs.

Hmm. Why would I ask that, given that I know you hate my dogs?

They hump everything. They're passionate!

But you don't have to wash them at all if you just tell me

what's going on here. You two have a secret.

I can smell it. Jason, not now. Down.

Ugh. We don't have a secret, all right? Do we have a secret, Terry?

If we did, it's a secret from me.

[ALL LAUGH]

Okay, then wash my dogs. And be warned, they just watched

Peabody and Sherman, so they're extra horny.

Ugh! Jason! Wait your turn!

I must say this is quite good.

Is this sauce for your chicken or my lamb?

Hmm. I don't know. Should we try it?

Let's risk it. God. Oh.

It's amazing!

I don't care for it. But I tried, and what a story for Kevin.

So who was your partner back when you caught the Brooklyn Broiler?

Martin Ormankupp. He was a great partner. Smart, loyal, homophobic but not racist

in those days that was pretty good.

Hmm. How long did you work the case for?

Martin Ormankupp and I tracked him for eight months.

Almost cost him his marriage to his wife, Heather Ormankupp.

Oh. Sir, look. Oh, this could be our man. Let's go.

NYPD. We're partners and we'd like to ask you some questions.

You're not Richard Wilcox.

That's my grandpa. He died a couple of weeks ago.

I'm just here cleaning out his shop.

Oh, no. Something is wrong here.

What, you think this punk is lying, partner?

No. Something is wrong in my intestine due to the street meat. We must go now.

Okay.

Oh. Okay. All right, I'll drive.

-[POLICE SIREN WAILING] -Sir, we could find a a public bathroom!

No. This is a very private emergency. Ahhh!

[CAR HORN HONKING]

I'm going to the gym, then Sharon is gonna take me to a dentist appointment.

Damn, Sarge! Your teeth are messed up.

Listen up, everybody. I just forwarded you an email

about the suspect in those bodega robberies. Check it out.

We're going to catch this guy.

All right. Let's see here. Hurricane?

Hurricane Jeffords.

Works for a boy or a girl.

I know what's going on, Jake. What? About who?

With you and Terry. The money, the private convos. I figured it out.

You stole my idea to open a bowling alley and you're gonna do it with Terry.

Yep. That's it! Jake. Fingerholes was our idea.

I do not think it should be called Fingerholes.

You're not calling it Fingerholes? Good luck, pal.

Oh, my God. Terry's pregnant?

What? How do you know that?

We all know. You hit reply all on the email, Grandma Peralta.

Oh, no.

Ah. Good. Great. The secret is out.

I got humped by Jason for nothing.

Okay, yes. Terry is having another kid. We are pregnant. But that's a secret.

It is way too soon to tell anyone.

I only stumbled across it because I'm such an amazing detective.

Who accidentally hit reply all like some idiot on a brunch thread.

Yeah. That. But, look.

Terry can't know the secret is out.

He got the email, too, boo.

Crap. You're right. All right, we just have to break into his email account,

delete the message while he's down at the gym. Okay?

All right, here's the plan. I'll go down…

What are you going to do, Jake?

I'm obviously about to say. Okay. I'll go down there.

Sorry, Jake. I thought it was a call and response.

It's not. Okay… I'll go down.

Are you mad at me? Dude! Okay. Here's the plan.

I'll go down to the gym and have Terry take me through his workout.

You guys get Savant from IT to help you hack into his account.

If anything goes wrong, Scully, fake a heart attack.

What are you thinking, classic angina or,

something sexier like myocardial infarction?

Just drop down onto the ground and wiggle.

I'm gonna nail this.

You're back so soon. Did you catch your guy?

No. He was dead, so I'll never catch him.

Also, Amy bought us tainted meat and now I have diarrhea.

Ooh.

[DOOR SLAMS]

Hey, Terry. You get my email about how I was coming down here?

No. I haven't checked my phone.

Aw. No need. I just wanted to make sure you were here, you know?

You know how I like to have a weight mate.

Really? I have never seen you in the gym.

What? I basically live here. I'm a regular gym dandy.

Besides, I gotta get into shape for all the godfathering I'm gonna do.

I mean, how am I gonna throw our baby up into the air with these noodle arms?

Good point. So take me through your workout, man. Rip me up.

You know, let's rip it out. Time to rip it down.

Those aren't gym terms. And I don't think you could handle my workout.

Oh, wow. Sounds like a challenge to me. Come on.

I gotcha. Ready?

Yep. Oh, my God, they're so heavy!

This will crack his password, but it could take an hour.

No way Jake keeps up with Terry for that long.

Have you seen Terry?

Well, there's nothing we can do unless you guys can guess the Sarge's password.

"Big muscles"? Nope.

That's your first guess? "Big Muscles"? Try his wife's name, Sharon.

Nope.

Sharon1. Nope.

Sharon2. Nope.

Sharon3. Nope.

This is stupid.

Come on. Push it! Push it!

[GRUNTS] Five!

[SIGHS] Oh, man. This is almost too easy.

Are you crying? No. That's eyeball sweat.

All right, let's wrap this up. I gotta call Sharon and get back to work.

No, no, no, no. Hey, I thought you said this was going to be a challenge, huh?

It's been a cakewalk so far. Oh, you want me to make this harder?

Yes. That is what I want. More harder exercise.

Look, Sarge! I've burned 200 calories. That's your heart rate.

Yeah. That checks out.

Come on, Jake. Ten more minutes!

I think we should stop now, bro.

No, no. I'm still good. Check this out.

Right hook, right hook, uppercut.

My arms don't seem to be responding to my brain anymore. [LAUGHS]

Nope.

Ugh! God. I hate how hard it is to guess other people's passwords.

Wait. Everyone wait. Try "yogurt."

[TYPING SOUNDS]

We're in.

ALL: Yeah!

Terry loves yogurt.

Come on, Jake. Let's go.

So, how much blood do you usually have in your mouth when you do this?

None.

Great. I'm done. Great workout, Sarge.

[THUDS LOUDLY]

Oh, Boyle, I need to throw away this piece of paper and I can't move my body.

On it, Jakey. It's showtime. Here we go.

I love this. We're like Batman and Alfred.

You'd rather be Alfred than Robin?

He has access to the bat cave.

Plus he gets to drive all of Batman's girlfriends home and dish.

PERALTA: Doy!

Oh, hey. How are you, Mrs. Sarge?

You look normal. Hi, Jake. Charles.

Hold on, honey. I gotta check my emails and then I'll be ready to go.

Okay. All set.

-All right, have fun. -PERALTA: Yep.

Sergeant Jeffords. Sharon.

The Captain's back? When did he get back? Turn me around.

I'm not feeling well. I have an appointment at the restroom,

but I gather congratulations are in order. For what?

Oh, Peralta sent everyone in the office an email

about what to name your new baby.

For what it's worth, I really like the name Todd.

Terrance, what is he talking about?

Yeah, Peralta, what is he talking about?

Hey… [SOFTLY] Scully! Now!

Oh! Oh!

PERALTA: Oh, no! He's having a heart attack!

This is a man's life, you calloused bastards!

Terry, I am so sorry.

You should be sorry.

Should I get out of here

or should I just fade into the background until you need me to wheel you out?

I'll fade. I'll fade.

You promised you wouldn't tell anyone.

I know, but I can't help it if everyone in this precinct is a brilliant detective.

You emailed them all! With your email! To their emails!

Okay, yes, that was one fact that may have helped them crack the case.

But Boyle was closing in!

I was actually way off. All my theories were bowling alley related.

Fading. Fading again.

Look, I know I messed up. But it was an honest mistake.

I promise you I was taking it seriously.

What was the email you sent everyone about?

How you should name your kid Hurricane.

Wheel him out, Charles.

Wait. Does this mean I can't be the godfather?

I said wheel him out.

You can be my godfather, Jake. You're older than me!

Captain, how are you feeling?

Better today. I even managed to eat some plain toast this morning.

Smart. Something bland.

That's my favorite breakfast.

Right.

Sir, I'm sorry.

I wanted to be a great partner, a Martin Ormankupp,

but instead, I was the partner who made you sick.

Can I tell you something about Martin Ormankupp?

On our second day as partners,

Martin Ormankupp was kicked in the crotch by a police horse.

Not what I was expecting you to say.

Of all the cases that we worked,

that moment was the one that bonded us the most,

because that's what we laughed about,

after his surgery and months long rehab.

It was a terrible ordeal for both Martin and Heather Ormankupp.

Mm. So, you think we can laugh about me poisoning you?

Yes. I do. Someday. Perhaps over street meat.

[LAUGHS]

Sir, did you just laugh?

Uproariously.

Oh, my God. It's happening. Yep.

Here, Sarge. It's the rest of the money I owe you.

1237 bucks.

I thought you already drained your bank account.

I sold my car. It's not a big deal.

Oh, my God! This is such a huge deal! [SOBBING]

I can't untell your secret. The best I can do is make sure no one talks

about it for the next four weeks and pay back your money, so.

Jake, hold up.

Yeah?

I was wondering if you still wanted to be the godfather.

Wait, seriously?

Yes of course. That would be amazing. Thank you.

I'm gonna be such a good godfather! You'll see. I'm gonna be like,

"What's the matter with you? Be a man!"

You know? You know, obviously, I wouldn't scream that at the baby.

That was a bad quote to choose, but you get what I'm saying.

Yeah. Look, that kid is gonna have a lot of fun hanging out with you.

But I also know that if anything happened to me and Sharon, you're responsible

enough to raise the little guy.

Wait, that's what a godfather does? I mean I knew that.

I can handle it.

Just real quick, what's a good book on parenting that you could recommend?

Or better yet, what's a good movie on parenting?

Terry? Seriously, I have no idea what to do.

Oh, wait.

Yahoo Answers.