Original subtitles

Good morning. Diaz. Peralta.

Captain. You're smiling. It's very weird.

Like seeing a turtle out of its shell.

I'm happy. Our drug task force was a success,

and today, I get to watch my nemesis, Madeline Wuntch,

drape a medal around my neck.

Also, we cleaned up the streets.

Yeah, sure, that's good, too.

So, I've been planning how to zing Madeline when she puts the medal on.

I have the perfect line.

"Wuntch-time is over."

It's a… It's a play on "lunch time."

Yes. Devastating burn, sir.

But you know what would really show her is if you said nothing at all.

Oh, interesting, interesting.

Let… Let Madeline know she's not even worth

my staying up all night crafting zingers.

"Wuntch-time" took you all night?

Trust me. Turn the other cheek.

Which I recently learned is about faces and not butts,

but works either way.

Yes. I should be the bigger person.

Right? Shouldn't be hard, given that Madeline's not technically a person.

For meritorious service, the NYPD bestows this award

on Detectives Rosa Diaz, Jake Peralta, and Captain

Raymond Holt.

[APPLAUDING]

Raymond. Madeline.

You won. Go ahead and gloat, you toad.

Thank you for this honor, Deputy Chief.

Oh. Okay.

You're welcome.

Wuntch-time is over! Boom! Did it!

[LAUGHS] Had it both ways!

No regrets.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Listen up, gang.

We have intel on a drop house

used by Alexei Bisko,

a captain in the Ukrainian mafia.

Oh, he should be psyched. That's a very up-and-coming mafia.

His soldiers use the site

to drop off money and pick up weapons.

We need a couple of teams to do long-term stakeouts.

I'm out. Four hours is the most I've ever spent

alone with any human.

It was the worst experience of my life.

What about that time we drove out to Boston together?

That was about four hours.

Oh, I see what just happened.

The only decent vantage

is this condemned hotel across the street.

We can go in as exterminators,

but too much movement will look suspicious.

It's an eight day op,

so two teams will do four days each.

Boyle and I are in.

Okay, that's one team.

Who wants to relieve them?

If extraction is a risk,

the two of us can do the full eight days.

A Hanukkah miracle.

No. That is too long to be

holed up together like that.

I did a six day stakeout once.

Did not go well.

Well, that's not going to be a problem for us.

The only time I ever yelled at Charles

was cheering him on at his roller-boogie competition.

We never fight. It won't be a stakeout,

it will be a stake-cation.

♪ Stake me out tonight ♪

♪ I don't want to let you go till we catch this guy… ♪

We already have a theme song.

That concludes this meeting.

Ooh. What's this?

None of your business.

"None of your business?" The most enticing words a person can say.

Terry, I will not leave your side

until there are no secrets between us.

Fine.

I'm making my twins a picture book for their birthday.

It's called June Bug and Cricket: Adventure Girls.

Whoa, this one looks just like you, Gina.

Yes. She is straight up gorgeous.

And this one is definitely you.

Look how masculine the clothes are.

It's a suit of armor.

Pant-suit of armor.

The drawings look like you two, but only because

it's easier for me to draw from real life.

The whole squad's in here.

The tiny squirrel is Charles.

The walrus is Captain Holt.

And the hippo with heads on both ends, that's Hitchcock and Scully.

How do they defecate?

It's a kids' book, Santiago!

This is why I didn't want to show you people.

Picking it apart.

[SIGHS]

Oh, my God. Did you carry us up here like suitcases?

No, man, this is real life.

I rolled you in on the cart.

Boo! Terry sucks! Terry sucks!

Terry's great. Terry's great.

Where do you want the food?

And does braided herring and jellied starfish count as food?

Oh, indeed, it does. I may be stuck in a tiny room,

but my palate will travel the world.

Listen up. This is a real small room.

If you start getting on each other's nerves,

do what I do with my babies.

Go to separate corners. We call it "alone zones."

All due respect, Sarge, but we don't need "alone zones."

No, we do not.

But let me ask you a question.

How do we feel about scone zones?

I feel great about it.

You do? Sarge?

I'm a muffin guy.

Boo! Boo!

Great news, my friend. We have a bathroom pet.

His name is Horace and he's either a small rat or a large cockroach.

And he's either sleeping or dead.

Here's the schedule. Eight hours both on watch.

Eight hours I sleep, you watch.

Eight hours you sleep, I watch.

I set an alarm. I made the perfect ringtone, listen.

BOYLE: ♪ Stake me out tonight ♪

♪ I don't want to let you go till we catch the guy… ♪

I love it. All right, we've got binocs, camera, night vision goggles,

computer, and mini-basketball.

Oh, my God, I love that.

My whole problem with basketball was big ball, tiny hands.

Tiny ball, problem solved.

Oop me. Ready, ooping. One, two, three.

[GRUNTS]

Did that look as cool as it felt?

How cool did it feel? Mmm.

Everyone, this is my nephew, Marcus.

He's new in town. He's staying with me until he finds a place.

He is 31.

You're a terrible hype-man.

[LAUGHS] And you must be Gina.

I heard a lot about everyone.

I take it you're Amy.

Rosa.

Terry.

I'm Jake. We're both Jake.

Scully and Hitchcock.

[CHUCKLES] Hey, well, I just came to get the keys from my Uncle Ray.

I'll let everybody get back to work.

Nice meeting you. Pleasure.

Bye.

Holy Moses. "Bye"?

What? For you, that's basically walking up to him

and jamming your tongue down his throat.

Shut up. Yes. Gina, that's enough.

You're right, sorry. Too far.

But let me just add one little thing off topic.

Rosa wants to bone your nephew.

BOYLE [ON RINGTONE]: ♪ Stake me out tonight ♪

♪ I don't want to let you go till we catch the guy… ♪ [SINGING ALONG]

Wow. That sleep apnea mask is something else, huh?

Oh. I've got to say, ever since I got her…

Her? She touches my lips, Jake. She's a her.

And since she took up residence on my face,

I sleep like a baby.

Okay. Well, while you slept, there was some action at the drop site.

A blue sedan pulled up. I got the plates and the driver's face.

Also, this is the guy who runs the drop house.

I call him The Beach Umbrella, because he looks so shady.

Oh.

[MUNCHING]

Hey, this is a kind of weird request, but would you maybe mind

chewing your Nortfluskers with your mouth closed?

I can't, and I'm excited to tell you why.

I have a new eating method.

I realized that open mouths oxygenate the food,

so it's kind of like wine tasting.

Yeah, and I hear you, buddy. I really do.

It's just, it's pretty gross.

So, maybe just while we're together, you could keep the old chewer shut?

Okay. But I don't complain about how gross your meal is.

What's gross about pancakes with butter and maple syrup?

You've completely abandoned the pancake part.

Now, you're just eating butter with syrup on it.

Yeah, I cut out the carbs. This is me being healthy.

Okay. Well, maybe we just eat in separate corners of the room.

Great, I love that plan. Wait.

That's "alone zones."

We don't need "alone zones." We're fine.

We're not fighting. We're great.

Eat your butter-syrup. Yeah. Keep that chew hole open.

BOYLE [ON RINGTONE]: ♪ Stake me out tonight ♪

♪ I don't want to let you go… ♪

It's a shift. Love this song.

I can't even remember the original lyrics anymore.

Mmm. Black SUV, female driver.

She's wearing a lot of drab colors,

so we'll call her "Mrs. Peacock."

Male peacocks are the colorful dressers.

God, how did humans get it so backwards?

We may never know. Mmm-hmm.

Hey, listen, about our "alone zone" close call…

Oh, that… That's not a big deal.

We're not going to start fighting. We never fight.

Yeah. Totally. Yeah. That's what I was thinking.

But just to be safe, we could write down some of each other's

annoying behaviors that we want to be off-limits. You know?

We could call it "The no-no list."

Oh, I love it!

Okay. So, here's what I've got for you.

No eating with your mouth open. We knew that.

No Rasta-man voice.

No reciting poetry, no ballroom dancing, no bird calls,

and no male Kegels.

Can I do my Kegels secretly?

Watch this, you'll never know I'm doing them.

I can definitely tell. [SIGHS]

All right. Give me my no-no's.

Okay. No butter-syrup. No talking about Die Hard.

Okay. I can do that.

Or Die Hard 2 or Die Hard 3.

What? Come on. So, you just want me to talk about the fourth one?

There's a fourth one? Charles.

No judging me for not knowing the Die Hards.

All right, fine. What else? Okay.

No eating mayonnaise straight from the jar. No using my toothbrush.

And that's it. Jake, this no-no list is a slam dunk.

Oop me. Ooping.

[GRUNTS]

I'm getting better. Yeah, you are.

DIAZ: You wanted to see me, sir?

Have a seat, Diaz.

Do you remember my nephew, Marcus? The 31 -year-old?

He asked me to ask you if you are single.

I told him I'm not a third grade girl

with pigtails, passing love notes.

Yeah. It's so immature.

Precisely. It's embarrassing.

Agreed.

I am single.

Oh. I see.

But if Marcus wants my number, he can ask me for it.

But who will tell him that?

Um, yeah. You took the last Danish.

Oh, sorry.

Did you read Terry's book about us?

No, he said not to read it.

Okay, fine, I read it. My character, Cricket, is such a pushover.

She just lets all the forest folk take her Magic Moose wishes.

Well, June Bug is a stone-cold bitch.

She told all the baby platy-pups they had weird feet.

Is that how people see us?

Well, you did just steal that Danish out of my hand and start eating it.

And I let you. And apologized.

Classic Cricket move.

Hey, can I just scooch in there to the coffee?

You can scooch your ass back in line.

My coffee needs are just as important as yours.

What was that all about?

Terry, I try not to judge people, so I wouldn't know.

Maybe I should go check on little Amy and give her the greatest gift of all.

A hug.

Come on. Someone use the drop house.

"The drop house." Perfect name for a port-a-potty company.

As soon as we get out of here, I am taking that straight to Shark Tank.

How great is this no-no list?

I mean, we've made it impossible to annoy each other.

We're going to make-out with this stakeout…

[CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY]

Hey, bud, is rhyming on your no-no list?

No. Cool, cool.

Just seems pretty close to reciting poetry.

Yeah. But it's different. Yeah, it's different.

It's different.

I'm just going to add it.

Oh. So, uh… So, we can add things now?

Yeah, why not, right? I mean, we've got the time and we've got the ink.

Everything but the kitchen sink.

What did I just say?

Okay. And that is under "Charles."

Sure, sure, sure. Cool, cool, cool, cool.

Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.. . Cool, cool, cool, cool…

Back to the window. Yep. Back to the window.

What is happening?

I've got to do this or the bullet-holes in my butt stiffen up.

No talking about your butt-holes.

[GRUNTING] Two…

Three… No pull-ups.

No yoga.

[BEAT-BOXING]

No beat-boxing.

No letting it mellow.

No Sister Act.

No life hacks.

No multi-level marketing schemes.

[SIGHS] No calling legitimate business ideas "schemes."

No licking fingers before turning pages.

No impressions. No tea ceremonies.

No cabbage patch. No hard core.

No Running Man. Or the dance.

No unrequested lullabies. No lady-style towels.

Aw.

Hey. No nose hair trimming.

We're here for eight days, Jake.

I don't care. It's on the list.

Well, I hope you like nostril bush.

[SCOFFS] Nostril bush? All right, no more talking.

No more talking at all.

Fine, I'm putting that on your list, too.

That was talking. So was that.

Okay, fine. In three, two, one, no talking. Zip it.

[MOUTHING]

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Hey, Captain.

How's the operation going?

Great. The Beach Umbrella has had non-stop visitors.

The Beach Umbrella?

Bisko's lieutenant who runs the drop site.

We came up with fun little nicknames for everyone.

I'm glad you're amusing yourselves.

People thought you'd be at each other's throats by now.

-Do you need a relief team? -[IN FALSETTO] What?

-Nuh-uh-uh. -[WHISPERING] No sassy nuh-uh-uhs.

HOLT: What is that?

Uh, nothing. I just said we don't need a relief team.

Everything's going great. Right, Boyle? Right. So great.

Good. See you in a couple of days.

Okay, sounds good… Okay, thanks. Bye, love you.

What?

Hold the door.

Sorry, Sarge. Maybe if you did more cardio and less weights,

you'd move faster.

No, no, no, Amy. We need to be the change

we want to see in the elevator.

Uh-uh. Door open.

No, door closed. Door open.

Closed! Door open.

What is going on with you two?

What's going on with you? Love.

That's it. Time for an emergency stop-and-talk.

[ALARM BUZZES]

Okay, fine. You want to know what's going on?

We read your book. And you should know, I'm not a push-over.

And I'm not a stone-cold bitch.

I'm a natural, beautiful presence.

Okay. I'm sorry these characters look like you,

but that's where the resemblance stops.

Sure, June Bug is a meanie to the platy-pups,

but she's a sweetheart to the socktopus.

And Cricket is a pushover when it comes to Magic Moose wishes,

but she's very brave in the dolphin wars.

I guess what I'm saying is, these stories are nonsense.

I love you guys. But if you're bringing something more to my book,

that's on you.

[ELEVATOR STARTS]

If you hadn't stopped the elevator,

you could have walked off after your great speech.

Now, we all got to sit in it.

HOLT: Marcus. Are you leaving?

Come, have breakfast with us.

You're up early. [SOFTLY] Okay.

And Detective Diaz is here, as well.

Hey.

Hello, Kevin. Rosa. Marcus.

Kevin. Uncle Ray. Marcus. And Cheddar.

Cheddar is also here.

Uh, would you care to join us?

Sure. Shall we sit?

I don't think sit…

Good, then, feel no obligation to stay, Rosa.

Detective Diaz.

Detective Rosa Diaz is in my breakfast nook.

So, who would like French toast?

I can put a bacon smile on it.

My being here is weird. This was a bad idea.

We shouldn't see each other again.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Well, Detective Rosa Diaz has left. Hmm.

[GROANS] The only food left in the whole room is your stupid herring.

Oh, so we're talking now?

Well, I guess so, since words came out of my mouth and you heard them.

That's glib. No being glib. It's on the list.

I'm so sick of the list.

I don't even know what "glib" means.

Ask yourself this. Is it something you can hear Garfield saying?

If so, it's glib.

So, what, you want me to just be Garfield's owner, Jon Arbuckle?

Think about what you're saying.

He's spineless and bland.

And by the way, me keeping things light and being Garfieldian

is the only reason we don't fight.

[LAUGHS]

Wrong, baby. The only reason we don't fight is because I never say anything

when you annoy me, which is constantly, baby.

I just let it roll off. I'm a duck's back, baby!

Stop saying "baby."

Charles Boyle calls people "baby" when he gets angry.

That's who I am. And all of this is who I am.

And if you don't like this stuff, then we shouldn't be friends.

Great, because guess what? We're not friends.

That's fine with me, baby. [GROANS]

Uh-oh.

[BOTH SIGHING]

Well, the operation is blown.

BOYLE: [ON RINGTONE] ♪ Stake me out tonight… ♪

I hate this song.

I stand by it.

Well, I'm going to check this stuff back in.

Great, do it.

Okay. Then, we're done.

Yeah. Then, we're done.

Well, well, well. Looks like Boyle's out and Hitchcock's in.

What do you want to do tonight?

Go to a strip club? Have dinner with my wife?

Are those separate options or does she live at the strip club?

You want to know, you've got to go. All right.

Peralta. Thanks to your basketball mishap, the drop site has been abandoned,

and Alexei Bisko has gone to ground.

We told you eight days was too long for a stakeout.

With all due respect, sir, it wasn't the amount of time.

It's who I was stuck there with.

I could easily have done it with Scully.

Really? You would have applied that cream to his back?

No, I would have put it on the floor and let him roll around in it.

This isn't my first rodeo.

You need to find Bisko.

You can start by doing door duty, see if anyone knows where he is.

Take Boyle.

Sir, I'd like to request a new partner.

I can't work with Charles. We're not friends anymore.

Friends? I don't care if you're friends.

This is not a play-date. This is your commanding officer

ordering you to do your job.

Fine. But I hope you can live with the fact that you're forcing people

to spend time together who would rather not.

I'm fine with that.

Sarge, I need to talk to you about the kids' book.

Seriously? I'm wrapping it right now,

and I need to focus.

Look, I know the story is nonsense and I'm not a forest nymph

who wears armor pantsuits.

But I think it bothered me because sometimes I can be too much of a pushover.

To be honest, it felt nice to stand up for myself this week.

Good for you, Santiago.

I also learned a valuable lesson from your stupid book.

I learned I'm perfect the way I am, and I should never change.

This is a symbolic gesture.

I'm speaking to you as a friend, not a captain.

And as your friend, I have this brassiere you left behind in Marcus' room.

Also, I just wanted you to know,

um… I… I think Marcus is great and, uh…

And you're great.

And I hope the fact that you and I work together won't prevent you from dating.

If that's what you want to do.

I might. But I don't want to talk to you about it.

Perfect. Because I'm not comfortable knowing about it.

Great. Then let's never talk about it.

Let's never talk about anything. Done.

This is Bisko's aunt's apartment.

Maybe she's seen something.

Let's just get this over with.

-Yes? -PERALTA: It's Bisko. Fire escape.

I'll cut him off at the back.

[GRUNTS]

Freeze! NYPD!

[GRUNTS]

Hey!

Alexei Bisko, you're under arrest.

You okay? Yeah.

Thanks for having my back.

You don't have to thank me.

I've always got your back.

Look, this whole thing has been so stupid.

Right? Are we friends again?

No.

We're brothers.

God, that was terrifying! Don't pause like that!

Look, brothers fight, but at the end of the day,

they're always there for each other.

My brother had sex with my wife

and then he ran to the Florida Keys.

One day, I'll finish him.

Just be arrested, man.

We're trying to have a moment here.