Original subtitles

Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas!

Ho, thank you, good sir!

The elves will not starve this night!

Any sign of our bogie?

Negative. Are you sure our guy's gonna show?

My CI said he walked this route exactly the last three days.

Fine, but in ten minutes we're calling this.

I have to get back to my ecstasy task force.

We have to bag a major giggle pig player soon, or they're gonna shut us down.

Ho, ho, ho and a bottle of rum! Presents.

DIAZ: God, you're bad at being Santa.

Jake, holy crap! Nine o'clock.

PERALTA: The Pontiac Bandit, aka Doug Judy.

Okay, Santa. Stay calm. Just like we practiced.

Merry Judy, Mr. Doug Judy, Christmas.

Damn it! Peralta?

No!

Onion ring attack! Ah! Greasy!

NYPD. Stop where you are!

Come on, Santa. Why are you so fat?

NYPD. Clear out.

Where are you?

[SCREAMS] Ah!

-Got you. -[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTING]

Doug Judy, you are under arrest.

Put your hands in the air.

Hey, Rosa. Merry Christmas, girl.

Shut up.

PERALTA: Take a good look, kids.

This is what happens when you're naughty!

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Attention, everyone. Holidays of many cultures approach.

This truly is a joyful time.

Join me for a festive winter party

at Shaw's Bar this Friday, 7:00 till 9:00.

Any questions? a.m. or p.m?

I'm gonna let you figure that one out.

Also, I'd like to reiterate my gift policy.

None allowed. Enjoy this merry season.

Good people of the Nine-Nine.

I present to you

the seventh wonder of the world,

Doug Judy, AKA the Pontiac Bandit,

foiled at last!

[ALL CHEERING, APPLAUDING]

Wow, you guys. Thank you very much.

All right. That's enough, Judy!

This is my moment. You are not to enjoy it.

I can't help it. I'm proud of you.

You're like a son to me. A white, crispy son.

How would that even work? Am I adopted?

No. Your mother's just really pale.

Almost invisible. Okay.

Anyways, it's a shame I gotta ruin your celebration

by cutting a deal and getting out of here.

Never! Right?

I'm just saying.

I know a lot of real, high profile felons.

Makes me a very desirable tattletale.

We will never cut a deal with you.

Not after you screwed us last year.

You don't want any info on a local burglary ring, perhaps?

Not good enough. Testify, Captain!

How about a guy who makes fake credit cards?

-Negative. -PERALTA: You see that, Judy?

No matter what you say, you're going to jail.

What about drugs?

You all ever heard of giggle pig?

What do you know? We're listening.

PERALTA: No, no, no, no.

We're not listening. We can't hear him.

Everybody, shoot your guns in the air!

Gina, you need to see this!

Oh, Charles. I can't take that.

It's clearly not cash, and I don't have time

in my life to return things.

I found this in my dad's place last night.

It's from him to your mom.

[GASPS] No. Yes.

Boyle, this is bad.

I thought our parents were just having a casual fling.

But presents is like old people third base.

No. That's rubbing butts together.

What? But this is very close.

Gina, they may be getting serious.

[GRUNTS] Don't you dare say that.

Do you know how disgustingly

entangled our lives will be

if our parents turn into a real couple?

Yes! You think I want you and your mom

horning in on the Boyle Boys mimosa brunches?

That's our guy time!

Ugh. We need to figure out

what is in this horrible package

so we can determine where they're at

in their relationship. [GASPS]

What if it's a romantic book,

or like a picture of the two of them in a frame?

Ugh, ugh. Oh, or "his and hers" pajamas?

The kind that dissolve in your mouth.

Ew. No. No, Charles. Ew.

So, this is where all the tape went.

I gotta put up these pictures my daughters drew.

And I need some 'cause I cut my hand. Hitchcock!

Go to the hospital!

And give 100 bucks to some doctor to give me the exact same tape?

I don't think so.

Wow. What's all this?

I'm making a Christmas present for Captain Holt.

I know, I know. He has a strict no gift policy,

but I found a loophole.

Like your loophole last year?

So, I was just gonna throw out this brand new squash racquet,

but then I thought, "Hey, maybe the Captain could use it."

I don't want your garbage.

No, it was a very expensive gift!

Aha! Suspicions confirmed.

I asked the Captain what qualified as a gift,

and he said anything I spent money on.

Then I realized, my time is worth nothing.

Sounds like you're bragging, but that's just a sad statement.

I'm making a scrapbook of his professional highlights.

Newspaper clippings, police reports, pictures.

It's got every moment of his career.

From Ray To Z.

This is a very bad idea.

I know! I'm not happy with the title either,

but my back-up was Keep Hotting On,

but that just makes him sound like he's sick.

All right, before we make a deal with this evil monster,

can I just ask something?

Is giggle pig really that important?

My job, Rosa's job, and the fate of this entire precinct

all depend upon the outcome of this task force.

All right, fine.

Diaz, what's our status right now?

We've picked up a bunch of dealers,

but our main target is Tito Ruiz.

We believe he runs the whole operation,

only we can't prove it because none of his people will turn on him.

Just because he bit off a few noses. Babies.

I say the only way we make a deal with Doug Judy

is if he can give us the top guy, Tito Ruiz.

I can give you Tito Ruiz.

Oh, come on, Judy!

I mean, how do we even know this is real?

This guy's a huckster!

-He's a lie guy. -HOLT: Peralta has a point.

You have been a lie guy to us before. Thank you.

Give me some details.

Ruiz and I were cellies in Attica in the '90s.

He texted me last week.

He needs some cars to deliver his product.

I said no because drugs are stupid.

Except for weed and sex pills. A man has needs.

♪ Rosa, Rosa, Rosa. ♪

♪ Rosa ♪

♪ I can't think of your last name, baby ♪

[BANGS ON TABLE] Enough crooning.

Can you get us a face to face with Ruiz?

Yeah, but you gotta give me zero jail time.

No, that's not gonna happen.

[LAUGHS] Stupid Judy.

The DA, however, will offer a reduced sentence

in return for Ruiz's arrest.

Five years instead of 20.

Oh, that's tough, but fair.

I can see why you have such intense daddy stuff with him.

Oh, yeah, the guy without a daddy

is the one with daddy issues.

Explain that logic.

Since I'm going to jail, I want to enjoy my time left on the outside.

Put me up in a five-star hotel, like the Royce,

unlimited room service and minibar privileges.

Three-star hotel, like the Brooklyner,

$60 a day meal allowance, no minibar.

DOUG: Four-star hotel, like the Oneida,

$200 in food, no minibar or alcohol,

but I get to go crazy on candy and nuts.

Agreed. Ow!

Oh, one last thing.

Diaz has to be nice to me.

I want her to call me "Big Sugar".

[SCOFFS] Huge mistake, bud.

She'll never agree to that.

No, I'm in. Let's do this, "Big Sugar".

-[WHIMPERS] -PERALTA: What? All right, fine.

If this is going down, I wanna be on this case.

And my sole focus is Doug Judy.

He never leaves my sights.

Love it! Pontiac Bandit and Jake. P. B. and J ride again!

♪ Reunited and it feels so good ♪

It's a duet. Get in on this.

♪ -Reunited 'cause we understood ♪ -No! No.

All right, Big Sugar.

Four-star hotel room. You happy?

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Flat screen TV, king-sized bed,

hangers you can take off the rod.

This is what's up. This place is nice.

We should settle down here, Rosa.

Now if you all excuse me, I'm gonna go freshen up.

I'm feeling stanky.

Hold it. Not so fast.

What?

Let's make out. Not yet.

All right. There's no windows. You can go in.

But leave the door open and I'm hanging onto this.

What in the world would I do with that?

Point it at my face until my eyeballs dry out

and I lose my sense of sight.

Then shove it in my mouth so I can't yell for help,

and finally run out the front door and disappear forever.

Nah, I was just gonna use it to dry my undercarriage later.

Would you just relax? Okay? Stop being so paranoid.

I'm playing ball. I got you.

If you'll excuse me…

All right. We can't be too careful.

Let's go over the plan one more time.

Doug Judy texts Ruiz to set up a meet.

We each have a hidden wire and we record Ruiz

talking about giggle pig, then take him down.

Tac team is on call for backup. What are you doing?

You look like a pervert.

[WHISPERS] Putting a GPS tracker in his shoe.

He is not getting away from me again,

even if it means putting my favorite hand into this rotten stink-boot.

-PERALTA: Okay. -DOUG: Whoo-hoo!

Did you see the menu?

Lobster Thermidor. Baked Alaska.

It's so fancy it doesn't even sound like food!

Here. Come on. Order something.

Order. Do it. Order it.

No, thanks. I'm on duty.

Come on, Peralta. You gonna let the criminal have all the fun?

All right, fine.

I'll have one Lobster Thermidor.

Extra thermidor on the side.

I have no idea what I'm ordering.

Me neither! We're like culinary Magellans!

You know how we take this to the next level?

Robes! Robes!

Reunited and it feels so good

Reunited

Okay, we just unwrap it, we see what's inside,

then we perfectly rewrap it.

Our parents never know what happened.

Ugh. Lord. You're starting to sweat.

You're gonna blemish the wrapping paper! Oh.

Oh. You're dabbing me really hard. You know what?

This is taking too long. Just scooch, ya pooch.

[SIGHS]

You are amazing. How did you do that?

I always open my gifts in advance,

so I can rehearse my reactions

and nail those Christmas morning candids.

Check it out. Be-wonderment. [GASPS]

Disbe-loving it! [GIGGLES]

Sparkle surprise.

I like that.

Now, focus up. Your dad got my mom…

BOYLE: A digital scale? That's bad.

So bad, so wonderfully bad.

Your dad might as well have circled

all the parts of my mom's body he didn't like, with a marker.

You did that to me.

And it didn't help at all. No.

My mom is gonna hate this gift.

And she'd hate it even more

if we were both there when she opened it.

Should we do a gift exchange dinner tonight with both our parents?

Great idea.

Maybe she'll slap him in the face and never talk to him again.

[LAUGHS] Sparkle surprise!

For real!

Three Lobster Thermidors. Spaghetti and meatballs.

Caesar salad with tater tots instead of croutons.

Oh, that's me. Salad, trying to eat healthy.

I hear that. Your body's a temple.

All right. I'm searching it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Peralta. What you doing?

Putting your fingers in my fancy feast? What?

How am I supposed to escape using a lobster?

Squeeze the lemon in my eyes so I can't see,

stab me in the jugular with a claw,

and then shove the tail down my throat so I can't scream for help.

I gotta keep my eye on you, Judy. You're a slippery guy.

Fair enough. That I am.

But for right now, I'm all about helping you,

so why don't you just chill and eat some sexy ass lobster?

Okay, we held up our end of the bargain. Text Ruiz now, friend.

Fine.

-[PHONE CHIMES] -Tito, dot, dot, dot.

You around, question mark. Want to meet up, period.

Speech to text. We live in a magical age.

It's like The Jetsons.

By the way, this Tito dude, he spooks real easy, so… No!

There's no way you're going in alone. We're coming with you.

I've already got my cover story worked out.

My name is Dante Thunderstone.

I stole my first car at the tender age of nine.

You had to fend for yourself since your mother was struck by lightning.

While she was pregnant with me. She passed, I lived.

Some say that makes Zeus my dad.

Aw! Mythic.

That is dope. And, Rosa, you could be my wife.

Rosa. Why would you take your wife with you

to meet a drug dealer?

Because we're partners in everything we do. Aw.

-[PHONE CHIMES] -Whoa!

Tito wants to meet up.

Great! Tell him to meet us over here.

We'll get him a lobster and a robe.

I mean, no, let's go catch him in the act.

Sarge, I'm freaking out

about my gift that's not technically a gift.

Somehow that doesn't surprise me.

Something horrible's happened and I don't know what to do.

Has Captain Holt ever told you about the Brooklyn Broiler?

Yeah. Arsonist. Burned down 12 buildings in Crown Heights.

Captain's told me about it many times.

You flamed out.

Dirtbag.

Well, I think the Captain may have made a mistake.

What are you talking about?

I was doing follow up research on the case

for a fun "where are they now?" section,

and I don't think the Broiler set three of the fires

he was charged with.

I gotta tell the Captain. Do you think he'll be upset?

Probably not. I mean, he seems like the kind of laid-back guy

who delights in having his mistakes exposed.

[GROANS] Maybe next year,

you can do a collage about low points in his marriage.

I know you're being sarcastic, Sarge,

but I really do love making collages.

DOUG: Ruiz's bodyguards.

Prepare to be touched in some real intimate places.

Clean.

Watch it. Where'd you get those shoes, man?

There he is.

Tito. What's up, my man?

Doug Judy. Who are they?

That's my bodyguard, Selena.

We doing it on the D. I.

He's an amazing lover. I'm pregnant.

Aw, nice!

And this here is my partner, Dante Thunderstone.

The one and only. Braat, braat, braat.

Okay, Judy. If we're gonna do business,

I gotta see how good you really are.

This is a test. Go jack that car right now.

Give him the tools.

No worries.

That is a cinch to pinch.

[SOFTLY] There's no way you're getting in that car alone.

Hey, where are you going, Thunderstone?

PERALTA: To steal the car.

I jack the rides, Judy holds my tools.

Fine. Then you have two minutes.

Only need one.

That was tight. You played him like a boss.

Thanks. Now I just need to magically learn how to steal a car.

Braat, braat.

Okay, okay. All I have to do is break into this car

and drive it away without a key.

-Something wrong? -PERALTA: Nope!

Just, uh, warming up my stealing fingies!

Relax, Thunderstone. It's easy. Here.

What are you talking about?

Oh, just, uh, telling Thunderstone how I move it on the dance floor.

Yeah. I always start with a side to side sway.

Real smooth, real slow. Real smooth and real slow.

But when I feel that groove,

I pop it. Hot!

[GRUNTS] Yeah!

And I pull it. Pull it back. Yeah!

Pull it back hard. Whoo!

Yeah. [LAUGHS]

Yes, I love the way you dance, Doug Judy.

All right. This next part is like French kissing.

Got it. Jam it in there and move it around wildly.

I gotta ask, Peralta,

do the ladies enjoy that technique?

Ten seconds!

Come on.

-[ENGINE STARTING] -PERALTA: Ah, yes!

Oh!

Okay, let's go.

Thank you, Charles, Regina, for inviting us on this double date.

It's kinda like a fun Christmas four-way, right?

Well put, Lynn. Yeah.

DARLENE: A very sweet sentiment.

Oh, my God! I have an idea. Let's open presents! Okay.

Oh. I wanna see what everyone got everyone

and how everyone reacts poorly.

Fun, fun. I just hope you like it. I don't know.

A digital scale?

Lynn Boyle, you're a horrible, horrible man.

You went way over our price limit.

Yes, I did. And I love it!

Yay. It's gonna go so great in the guest bathroom!

What? What?

Lynn and I are moving in together. Mmm-hmm.

And the rent's a little steep,

so we promised we would only exchange small gifts. Mmm-hmm.

But you had to push it, didn't you, you naughty boy? I did. [CHUCKLING]

I had to get my pookums a present, pookums.

Okay. Well, this is wonderful.

But I am needed elsewhere.

So, I'm going to take off now.

Thank you so much.

Nog, nog. A little Christmas humor. [CHUCKLING]

Yes, the "nog" from "egg nog",

used in place of "knock".

I stand corrected. He loved it.

So, I was just looking through some old files

and I think I may have found a mistake in a closed case. Which one?

It was… Actually, now that I think of it…

If I'm remembering correctly, and… [EXHALES]

I could be wrong on this, but.. . It's the Brooklyn Broiler.

What? That dirtbag flamed out ages ago.

Why were you looking at that case?

She was making you a gift.

Not a gift, snitch.

It didn't cost me anything, just my worthless man hours.

"From Ray to Z"?

I thought I told you no gifts.

Take this away, and bring me the Broiler's file.

I'll look into this mistake.

Actually, the evidence is part of the scrapbook,

so I have to leave the whole thing.

Fine, I'll look at the relevant pages. But as for the rest…

I will not peruse.

Wow. Sweet set up. What do you make here?

Don't worry about it.

Oh, cool, cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

We need 20 cars a week.

I want to use them each once, then dump 'em.

Ah, well, you picked the right man.

So are we gonna make a deal or what?

Or do I need to talk to your boss?

You can talk to me.

So, you're the boss? Yeah.

I'm the boss. And this is my place.

And in my place, people know they shouldn't ask dumb questions. Got it?

Yeah, I got it.

I tried to tell him, Tito.

All right. Let's talk deets.

Is that us? No! We gotta go right now! Go, go, go!

OFFICER: On the ground! NYPD!

NYPD! Nobody move!

[GRUNTING]

Diaz! Don't need help.

Behind you! Bye, bye, Peralta. Here's your GPS.

No!

Let's go!

Ah! [LAUGHS] I gotcha!

Yeah, you did. But your boy Tito's getting away.

Oh, damn it! Damn you, Doug Judy!

I'll never forget you, Dante Thunderstone!

[GRUNTING]

You have the right to remain Doug Judy.

Anything you Doug or Judy can be used against you in a Doug of Judy.

Sorry, I'm preoccupied by someone who will remain nameless.

I'll start over.

Santiago.

I want to thank you for my gift.

You like the scrapbook?

I don't know. I'm a man of my word, so I did not peruse.

The gift I'm referring to was you pointing out my mistake.

Do you know why I don't accept gifts?

Because you're so evolved, you don't need material things?

Because I don't like brown-nosing.

Oh. Youch. That was hard to watch.

You told me to my face that I made a mistake,

and that's as far from brown-nosing as one can get.

I respect you for that.

Now, I have a gift for you.

I have the complete Brooklyn Broiler files.

He was give three life sentences,

and it should have been two.

So I've already contacted the DA about the error.

Will you please help me figure out who set those other fires?

Ooh! More work!

I know that sounded sarcastic, but…

Nobody thought that. Not for a moment.

Great.

[MOUTHING]

Chaz-ma-taz! How we doin', baby?

[CHUCKLING] I thought you'd be in an awful mood.

Why would I be upset when I've never had more purpose

in my entire life?

Are you gonna poison my dad?

No! Our parents say they're in love,

but we both know that's just their

old brains disintegrating.

We need to break them up.

For their sake, for our sake,

for the sake of this great nation.

Agreed.

Ew. I forgot how clammy your hands are.

[GASPS] Mood unaffected.

Oh. Mood unaffected.

HOLT: Attention, please! Attention!

I'm sorry to interrupt your holiday revelry. It truly is a fun night.

I'd like to propose a toast to Detective Diaz and her task force,

who successfully brought down Tito Ruiz and his entire giggle pig network.

Great work everyone, drink up!

ALL: Yeah!

Hey. So, I checked again.

Doug Judy still hasn't surfaced.

Yeah, he has. He just sent me this.

What's up, Peralta? Greetings from paradise.

Actually, I'm a little disappointed in the hotel.

How do you mess up an omelet?

It's just a flat egg.

He pretty much just talks about the omelet for the next 10 minutes.

But… About my escape.

This is my associate, Kyle.

He drove the garbage truck.

You may also remember him as the room

service waiter I had you tip so generously.

Son of a bitch.

Yep. And when he ordered the lobster, it was code for Kyle to follow him.

Anyway, tell Diaz she loves me. Merry Christmas.

[SIGHS]

Hey. First things first,

I swear to you we are gonna catch Doug Judy.

Yeah, I know.

We did it once, we can do it again.

No. We will catch him.

More importantly, thank you.

I know how hard that was

to make that choice and let him get away.

No. It was an easy call.

I know how much this task force means to you.

It means so much and it's been so stressful

and it went so well.

Seriously, look at me. I cannot stop smiling.

How do people do this with their faces?