All language subtitles for Brooklyn.Nine-Nine.S02E08.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE

-Have a nice weekend, Peralta?
-Yeah. Nothing special.

-You know, got a couple…
-You missed Scully's birthday.

It was kind of a big one.

Nobody showed at the party.

Guys, guys, guys.

We missed Scully's
birthday and it was a big one.

I know.
I panicked and said I had to go to the vet

because my puppy-cat got sick.

I said I had to take my
mom to get birth control pills.

JEFFORDS: That's better than my excuse.

I said I had to go to
my girls' bar mitzvahs.

Squad, we missed Scully's birthday,

and it was a big one.

I told them I was in Ecuador.
I think they bought it.

We got to make it up to him.

Let's give him cash.

Everyone put in $20 each.

Uh… Yes. I'll cover you.

Hey, Scully. Huh?

We're sorry that we missed your party.

Ah, don't worry about it.
You all had stuff to do.

Yes. The capital of Ecuador is Quito.

-Oh.
-HOLT: Anyway.

Happy birthday from all of us.

Thanks, guys. You're the best.

ALL: Happy birthday, Scully.

I can't believe it.
The fake birthday worked!

You're a genius.

We're both geniuses. [LAUGHS]

[CLINK]

[EXHALES] Thumbtack mug.
That was my thumbtack mug.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

I'm running this task force,
so, everything goes through me.

Got it? Good.

Jackson, some ecstasy
was found on the F train.

Take it to the lab, find
out if it's giggle pig.

Scully, Hitchcock, work your CIs.

Miller, get a new K-9.
That dog is an idiot.

-[WHIMPERS]
-DIAZ: All right, move out.

Hey. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
I'm late.

I had to go back to the deli

and return my everything bagel.

In what world does "everything"

not include beef jerky?

All of them. Okay.

Here's what's up. Yeah.

Task force brought in a
giggle pig dealer this morning.

Noice.

Second guy we've brought in

that's had one of these keys.

Huh. My best guess?

This opens a creepy old wardrobe/portal

to an enchanted land full of

talking toads and fairy folk.

Interesting.

It has something to
do with the post office.

It's got "USPS" engraved on it.

Take it to the Postal Inspection
Service, see what you can find out.

Copy that.

Hey! Work this thing hard.

We're under a lot of
pressure with the task force,

so we could really use a win.

You got it.

You're my friend and
I won't let you down.

I'm gonna push you up. Just like a bra.

What?

No, I meant like a brassiere.

Which is totally different.

Come on, man. Not better.

Here we go! Here we go!

Santiago, I may need you to
come in for a bit on Saturday.

Again? Are you kidding me, man?

[GASPS]

I'm sorry. Let's start fresh.

Hi!

Oh, my God.

What just happened?

Her mind finally snapped.

Like a stale breadstick.

Captain, please forgive me.

I'm just a little on edge because

I'm trying to quit smoking.

I can't take the stress of hiding it

from Teddy anymore.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Be right out, Teddy!

[SPRAYS]

[CHOKES]

I'm going cold turkey,

and it makes me irritable.

Terrifying.

I know I should be
able to do this by myself,

but it would be great

if you guys could, maybe,

keep an eye on me.

Of course.
We'll do everything we can to help.

Or, plan B,

I can arrange for you
to go to a safe place

where you can just relax
and watch pretty boats go by.

Look.

This one's on an island.

Okay, we're looking for
room 247, Agent Jack Danger.

Agent Jack Danger? Wow.
That name is buh-dass.

Code for "badass". Yeah.

So buh-dass.

Here we are.

Wait.
Cool guy, probably expecting a cool knock.

[RHYTHMIC KNOCK]

That was incredible.

DANGER: Enter.

Are you Danger? Jack Danger?

It's actually pronounced "Dong-er".
It's derived from a Dutch word

meaning "prudence in financial matters."

Oh. Jack Donger.

Hmm. Also cool.

Have a seat.

I understand you need a little help

from the big boys here at USPIS?

USPIS? Yeah.

US Postal Inspection Service?

Founded by Benjamin Franklin in 1772.

Undoubtedly a great man's
greatest accomplishment.

Are you aware that he helped
popularize Parmesan cheese in America?

I am.

USPIS is the crown jewel

of the law enforcement system.

Twelve hundred inspectors

tackling everything from mail fraud
to the shipment of contraband fruit.

And, of course, occasionally assisting

our little brothers in
the police department.

Little brothers?

Well, I am a federal agent.

You're just a local cop.

Nothing wrong with that.

Uh, we're here because we found this key.

Whoa.

Yes.

This sexy beast was used
to open a type of mailbox

we actually haven't used in years.

However, there are a few around
town that were never removed.

Real beauts.

I can find out where they are
and send you the locations.

That would be great. Here, my email is…

Ah! Nah. No email.

[LAUGHS]

I'll send it to you with r-mail,
which is to say real mail.

Because email has put hundreds
of my co-workers out of work.

How would you like it if they laid off

all of your fellow detectives

and partnered you with a robocop?

I've literally drawn sketches of that.

The robot has a backpack
that can carry me.

Hey, how's cold turkey going?

[MUMBLING]

I heard chewing gum helps.

You know, I never smoked.

But I did once have an addiction.

Food. It got bad.

-[DOOR RATTLING]
-You're not closed!

It's six o'clock!

I need my moo shu pork!

I need my moo shu!

You know how I finally stopped eating?

You got too big to fit
through the kitchen door?

I learned how to beat my cravings.

Every time I wanted
food, I rebooted my system.

Are you ready to reboot?

When I'd feel a food craving,

I would dunk my head into
ice water and reset my brain.

Watch me.

Ah!

[MUFFLED SCREAM]

Whoo! I'm all good!

[LAUGHS] Yeah!

You try! Okay.

Now! Ah!

[GASPING]

Do it again!

[MUFFLED SCREAM]

It's so cold! It's really cold!

Last time!

[INHALES DEEPLY]

[MUFFLED SCREAM]

We think the drug dealers have been
using these out-of-service mailboxes

as drops for giggle pig and money.

Good job. I'm glad Danger was useful.

Actually, it's Dong-er.
Although it should be dong-est.

I can't imagine anyone
being more dong than this guy.

Sounds like he's a good resource.

He showed you where
the mailboxes were, right?

Yeah, but he also told us how he
brought down a snail-smuggling ring.

For an hour. Yeah.

He showed us all these
pictures of the snails

and he called them
"the littlest victims."

Well, hopefully Donger will
be less annoying from now on.

Yeah, hopefully. Wait. From now on?

Yeah. No.

Yep. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Please, tell me I don't have
to keep working with that…

-Detective Peralta.
-PERALTA: Hi.

Love your precinct. Very primitive.

At USPIS, everyone gets his own office,

but that's because

we're this proud nation's first
defense in the war on terror.

Every envelope is a
potential target for al-Qaeda.

Oh.

Detective Rosa Diaz, meet
my new partner, Jack Donger.

Please. I go by Jackie. Jackie Donger.

Of course you do!

-[MARCHING BAND MUSIC PLAYING]
-[SCATTING]

Take it away, Peralta!

-Will do!
-[MUSIC STOPS PLAYING]

Shouldn't have done that.

B-side's got some
banging Sousa deep cuts.

Thank God, we're here!
Look. There's a box up there.

Oh, yeah. That is some
sweet green curves right there.

We should talk to the falafel guy,
see if he's seen anything suspicious.

Uh, you should probably
let me take the lead on this.

A lot of people don't like cops,

and everybody loves postal workers.

They do?

That's why the phrase
most associated with

bringing goodness into
peoples' lives is "going postal".

[CHUCKLES] You're kidding, right?

"Going postal" means that…

I know what it means!

I just said what it means.
That's what it means.

[LAUGHS]

Okay. Well, how's about we avoid human
contact altogether and check out the box?

What's the point of that thing?

Tradition and security.

Plus, I'd be lying if I said
it didn't look insanely cool.

I wouldn't.

Jackpot! It's giggle pig.

Yes! You have served
your country proud, little lady.

Stop!

[SCREAMS] Ow, ow, ow. Help me up.

Peralta! Help! Help me up!
Don't ditch me!

[GROANS]

He's gone. You okay?

No. I'm rattled.

Hey. Hmm?

Where you going, Amy?

I was just going outside to…

See this pigeon I've been training.

It does the cancan.

That, I gotta see!

Damn it, I made my lie too enticing.

Fine, I was going out to smoke.

Your lame system
reboot thing didn't work.

You know, I don't
like to talk about this,

but many years ago, I
myself overcame an addiction.

I could not get enough of the ponies.

Go Razzmataz. Go Razzmataz.

Go Razzmataz.

MAN [ON TV]: It's Bugle
Boy winning by a head.

I lost everything.

What worked for me was replacing
my bad addiction with a good addiction.

Exercise.

Grab your sneakers, Santiago.

You're joining me on a lunchtime jog.

Great. We could talk a
little, chat about the job,

do some mentor-mentee bonding…

We will exercise in silence.

No headphones either.

Music is a crutch.

DIAZ: I'm sorry.
Let me get this straight.

You had a giggle pig
supplier 20 yards from you

and he got away?

What happened?

Your man, here, failed to follow proper

law-enforcement
procedure, is what happened.

What?

Always check for
ground-level obstructions

before initiating a foot pursuit.

PERALTA: The ground-level obstruction

was your hand clutching my leg.

I have claw marks all over my calf.

I'm sorry. Rosa, can I talk to
you in private for a second?

-Yeah.
-PERALTA: We'll be right back.

Boyle, why don't you show
Donger what a fax machine is?

Okay. Okay, imagine a letter
had unprotected sex with a phone.

Look.
It's not just that Donger's annoying,

he ruined the whole operation.

The perp got away because
he's the world's biggest tool.

No, tools can be useful.
He's the world's smallest tool.

I'm the world's biggest tool.

God! Do you see what he's doing to me?

Look, these dealers didn't just
randomly start using mailbox keys.

There's clearly a postal connection.

Sorry, dude, you gotta
keep working with him.

Okay. Wait, wait, wait. Let's just
put this in perspective for a second.

Is this whole war on
drugs really worth the

human cost of me spending another minute

with this behonkus?

I don't know what
behonkus means, but yes.

Behonkus means butt, and I think
you could've guessed that from context.

Seriously, Jake, I'm asking
you to see this through.

All right, fine. I will do it for you as
a favor because you're my friend.

But if he tells me one
more time about how USPIS

"mailed down" the Berlin Wall,

I'm gonna give him your home
address, and you will receive

holiday cards from him. Forever.

My own relatives don't have that address.

Oh, I know. I know.

[BEEP]

And, completion.

[BOTH EXHALE DEEPLY]

So how do you feel?

Really good. No nicotine cravings at all.

The magic of endorphins.

I'm in a state of total euphoria.

Clearly.
Listen, I gotta jump in there. So…

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

Hello, Kevin. No, I haven't seen it.

I very much doubt that.
Why would the housekeeper steal your belt?

What husband? She's a widow.

I… Uh-oh. I have to go.

Santiago, are you smoking in there?

SANTIAGO: No.

Why do I see smoke?

That's steam. I'm in the shower.

So, what are a bunch of drug
dealers doing with old postal keys?

Maybe you guys forgot
to collect them all?

Mmm, barking up the wrong tree, McGruff.

The postal service doesn't make mistakes.

You lose millions of letters every year.

Really?
Then explain to me why none of these

missing letters have ever been found.

Okay. If it wasn't a mistake,

maybe it was an inside job.

Who collected the keys?

There are five people responsible
for key collection in the city.

Boom! That's our list of suspects.

We shall call them the
fellowship of the key.

I honestly think you are the
greatest man who ever lived.

Oh. Nah, that's a no-go.

Tracking these people
down is a waste of time.

I say we keep surveilling the mailboxes.

Look, I have worked a ton
of these drug cases, all right?

Once they know we're on to
them, they burn the whole system.

Trust me, they're done with the boxes.

Trust me. I'm a federal agent.

You're not FBI, you're not ATF,

you work for the post office.

Your motto is, "Surprisingly, we exist."

Incorrect.
Our motto is "Nos custodimus quod lingis."

"We guard what you lick."

That's worse!

No. Forget it, I'm not
giving you the list of names.

We're gonna keep
surveilling those mailboxes.

And if nothing turns up
after a couple of days,

then we'll go on your wild goose chase.

Hey, if you're hungry,

Maury went postal and
brought in muffins for everyone.

Sweet.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna
go grab a muff with some blubes.

And when I get back we will
discuss strategy for the stakeouts.

All right, guard the door.

I'm gonna print out
this list of suspects,

and then we are ditching Donger.

It's kind of risky, Jake.

If this ends up being a dead
end, Rosa's gonna be mad.

You know, robo-partner would
not question this for a moment.

Fine. I'll be lookout.

Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake!

What? Is he coming?

No. But there's more than muffins.
[SNIFFS]

There's banana bread, too!

-What? This printer is so slow!
-[BEEPING]

Come on.

Ah, this place is the worst!

All right. Two down, three to go.

Next on the list, Kent Delroy.

Worked at the post office for 12 years.

Quit two years ago.

That's the guy from this morning.

NYPD! Open up!

All right, I'm gonna break down the door.

No. Let me do it.

Charles, that's never gone well.

Yes, but I've been practicing.

All right, fine. You get one try.

Thank you.

[GRUNTS]

Police! Hands in the air!

I did it! Yes! Ah! Yeah.

Boyle, that's the bad guy.

Yup. Yup.

[WHISPERS] This way, Santiago.

What's going on? Is this a dream?

No, I'm not holding a label maker.

Silence before the shaman.

Amy, I'm taking charge of your
journey away from addiction.

Gina is leading you
on a guided meditation.

Terry and I agreed to
participate as a show of support.

And, Amy, you don't
know this because I don't

necessarily enjoy talking to you,

but in my early 20s, I
too battled an addiction.

I was a compulsive shopper.

Anyway, meditation helped
me pass that addiction.

And it's gonna do the same for you.

Close your eyes and repeat.

I am in a vast hallway.

ALL: I am in a vast hallway.

I walk into the light
of self-actualization.

ALL: I walk into the
light of self-actualization.

For I am a powerful woman.

I'm not hearing everyone.

JEFFORDS, HOLT:
For I am a powerful woman.

You feel the cool breeze of enlightenment

gently caressing your face.

I feel it. I feel the breeze.

Amy!

I'm not the one with my eyes open.

Cheater! Captain Holt is cheating!

Santiago, we're trying to help you.

I can't do it. I quit quitting.

Hey, hey, people.
Task force officially on the scoreboard

with our first major
giggle pig dealer busted.

Treat him well, this guy is sort of

the Mitch Globmun of
getting put in jail for this.

Globmun was the first kid
in my grade to get a pube.

Rosa! Great news, my friend.

What the hell? Donger just
called and said you abandoned him,

took information from
a classified computer,

and licked a roll of antique stamps.

The stamps were on me.

I was curious about how old glue tasted.

Answer, like a horse lollipop.

Look, it's not a big deal.

Donger wanted us to waste
a week staring at mailboxes.

If I'd listened to him, I never
would have caught Delroy.

Or found his books, which tell us there's

a huge giggle pig
shipment coming in tonight.

I told you to work with USPIS.

Okay, I know I didn't do it
exactly the way you asked me to.

The way I ordered you to.

As leader of the task force.

You think just because we're
friends you can do whatever you want?

Donger's furious.
He's on his way over here now,

because they're taking over the case.

What? He can't do that.

Yeah. He can. They're a federal agency.

From now on, any bust
that comes from this,

including Delroy, goes to USPIS.

My task force gets nothing.

So, thanks, friend.

[SIGHS]

This table tastes like
Scully's elbow blisters.

It's horrible and I deserve it.

I hate seeing you like this.

Rosa has every right to be pissed at me.

I didn't follow her orders and
I messed up the task force.

The only way to make things right is to
do the worst, most awful thing imaginable.

Dip your penis in vinegar.

What? No.

Why would you say that?

In Sunday school, they told us the
Babylonians did that to their enemies.

I've been terrified ever since.

Okay, well, what I have
to do is far, far worse.

I'm sorry I was a jerk.

I'm sorry I said The Postman was a flop.

I'm sorry I said that
"forever" stamps are a lie

because the earth will eventually
be swallowed by the sun.

I know what you're trying to do.

And I'm not buying it for a second.

I don't think you're sorry,

and I don't think you respect USPIS.

Maybe at first, but
that was before I read

Stamping out Crime:
A History of the USPIS.

Ooh, great read. Yeah.

But it actually just
scratches the surface.

The real story begins in the 16th
century with La Poste Française.

[SNIFFS]

Do you wanna hear about it?

Absolutely. Please, tell us
that story, and spare no detail.

[WHISPERS] The vinegar dip.

But this is when USPIS
history gets really good.

They actually moved the headquarters
back to Boston from Washington, D.C.

Yeah. Let's jump ahead to 1820.

That's when… Whoa, whoa.

You're just gonna jump a whole decade?

I mean, I'm dying to know
how the Chief Postal Inspector's

sickly wife adjusted to the
cold New England winters.

Okay, Peralta. I accept your apology.
You can have the case back.

[SIGHS] Thank you.

Truth is, I need some help.

Delroy won't tell us where
the shipment's going tonight,

and his notebooks are all in code.
Have a look.

PERALTA: Have you
checked out this phone number?

It doesn't exist.

Ten digits. What else could it be?

Two zip codes back to back?

But they're nowhere near here.

27889, that's Washington, North Carolina.

80751, that's Sterling, Colorado.

Sterling Place and Washington Avenue.

Wait a minute, Mr. Postman.

That's where the giggle pig
delivery's gonna be?

Yep! We gotta go. Right now.

Could you please knock it off?
It's like working inside a beaver dam.

Oh, no. A next-to-desk sit-down.

Santiago, you're putting yourself

under too much pressure,

and that stress is making it
even harder for you to quit.

Some things might come easier to you
if you stop being such a perfectionist.

A concept you should
become familiar with.

Familiar with? Mmm.

A dangling preposition?

I'm setting an example. I made an
error, and I'm not going to correct it.

I'm just gonna let it
dangle, dangle, dangle.

Thank you, Captain.

Okay. Get ready. It's going down.

-MAN: Copy that.
-Wait.

Before we go in there… Apology accepted.

No, I actually wanna do it.

Ugh. So, I have to suffer?

I'll make it quick.

I didn't follow your orders.

I took advantage of our friendship.

I was a jerk. I'm sorry.

So, that's what eternity feels like.

I could not have made that any shorter.

All right, what's the plan?
This dong is ready to ding.

What?

Tac Team One will
take the north entrance.

Tac Team Two will take the east door.

Jake, you stay out
here and man the radio.

Oh, sure. Whatever you need. On it.

Nah, just kidding.
You're coming in with us.

[SIGHS] Jerk.

DIAZ: Ready? On my count.
Three, two, one.

Freeze! Police!

Also, USPIS! And USPIS!

Down, down, down.

[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

Hands on your head!

[GRUNTS] What happened?

You hit your head on
the doorway coming in.

Got knocked out cold.

Do I have a bruise?

A little one.

Yes! I'm going on the Wall of Heroes.

Did we catch all the bad guys?

Yep. We got 'em.

All right, another win for USPIS.

You're lying in rat turds.

It's all part of the job, little brother.

It's all part of the job.