Original subtitles

For you.

And you.

And you.

What are these?

These, madam, are STDs.

What are you talking about, buddy?

STDs. Save the dates. For Vivian and my wedding.

Ah, yes. Hey, just out of curiosity,

how many people have you given STDs to?

Lots. Like, 100.

[ALL LAUGHING]

What's going on? Uh… Oh, okay, I get it.

STD has another meaning. That.

You're gross. No one else is going to think that.

Everyone is going to think that.

But it's sweet that your mind didn't go there.

Thank you. It is kind of sweet.

Will your first dance be to, You Give Me Fever?

Will you be serving crabs at the reception?

Do you have herpes?

Guys, this is my wedding. This is important to me. No more jokes.

You're right, and we're sorry.

SANTIAGO: Yes. We love you, buddy, warts and all.

Sorry. I made a rash decision.

I was itching to say it. Okay, I'm done. [LAUGHING]

I have an STD.

So, just RSVP, or…

-Yeah, the number's right on there. -SANTIAGO: Great.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Whoo! Happy Tactical Village Day.

Happy Tactical Village Day.

Peralta, I'm surprised to see you so excited about

departmentally mandated training exercises.

It's the most fun day of the year.

Something you wouldn't understand

because you're not programmed to feel joy.

Yes. But my software is due

for an exuberance upgrade.

You know, when you play along

with the robot jokes, it kind of ruins my enjoyment of them.

Yes, I know.

Anyways, Tactical Village Day is awesome.

We get to field test a bunch of cool new weapons,

and there's always a new training situation.

Last year's was Prison Break.

It got super violent.

It's like being in an action movie.

It's also a good opportunity

for us to let off steam and bond as a unit.

Everybody gets into it.

I guess I didn't know Get hypnotized

I guess I didn't know Get hypnotized

I guess I didn't know

Needless to say, the Nine-Nine has never had a perfect run.

True, but Jake has been the finalist

for coolest kill two years in a row.

And that's every precinct

sending around their footage, and all the cops voting.

It's not that big of a deal.

All you win is a children's karate trophy. So…

You desperately want it, don't you?

So badly. I will stop at nothing

to get that trophy.

I'll shoot you all in the face if I have to!

Go, team.

Gina, the DA needs copies

of our interrogation transcripts

from the Adams case.

-[GAME MUSIC PLAYING ON PHONE] -Gina?

Gina.

VOICE: Cupcake Match.

Gina.

Sorry, I was playing Kwazy Cupcakes.

-Crazy Cupcakes? -Kwazy with a "W." A backwards "W."

There's no such thing as a backwards "W." [LAUGHS]

Yeah, there is. See?

[MUSIC RESUMES]

Okay, how you play. You just line up

three cupcakes with the same color frosting.

Kaboom.

And this little game of yours, it's more interesting to you than your work?

Yeah, Kwazy Cupcakes is a lot more interesting than this.

Stop saying "kwazy."

And stop playing this inane garbage. It's embarrassing.

Say it to my face.

I did. You were looking at your phone.

Oh, cool. My B.

Great news. I think I figured out my persona for this year's tactical village.

[BRITISH ACCENT] Introducing Rex Buckingham.

British secret agent, ballistics expert,

and ladies' man.

Yeah, because what woman doesn't love a guy

who's super into make-believe?

[NORMAL ACCENT] This whole training simulation is make-believe.

We shoot paint at fake, bad guys.

It's called acting.

Tell me how I'm any different than George Clooney.

He has a sexy voice.

I have a sexy voice.

[IMITATING GEORGE CLOONEY] Champagne. Mountain Range. Hugs.

Mountain range?

[NORMAL VOICE] I couldn't think of anything sexy to say.

What? Mountain range is the sexiest geological feature.

No, wait, sorry. Deep sea trench.

I think I'm gonna go talk to Rosa.

You try to think of some sexier words.

[IMITATING GEORGE CLOONEY] Jesuit. Horticulture. Lamb.

What is going on with you two?

[NORMAL VOICE] Oh, come on, Boyle. Not this again.

You got to admit there's a spark.

How many times do I have to say it?

She's like a sister.

That's what Luke said about Leia.

Hey. Luke didn't know! No one knew!

Okay, Stella. All right. Oh, no, no. No problem.

Okay. All right. Bye.

Damn! Our baby-sitter is busy the night of Boyle's wedding.

She's going to be in her high school talent show.

Which she's going to lose, unless her talent is

leaving potato chip crumbs all over Terry's couch.

Wait, Boyle set a date already?

Yeah, he gave out save the dates yesterday.

He didn't give you one?

I think he's been avoiding me.

Hey.

Uh-oh. I hate pizza.

He didn't invite me to his wedding

and he's scared like a little bitch.

Well, maybe Vivian was uncomfortable with you coming.

Look, Boyle was in love with you until a few weeks ago.

Oh. Don't be angry.

I'm not angry. I think it's funny.

[FAKE LAUGH]

VOICE: Cupcake Match.

One hot pile of boring, coming in.

Thank you, Gina. Dismissed. You're dismissed.

What you doing in here?

Nothing.

Okay, cool. Can I just see your phone for a second?

I… I may have been playing Crazy Cupcakes.

Okay, Captain, I think we're past the point of you

being too proud to say the "W."

Fine. I might have been playing…

Kwazy Cupcakes.

It's so addictive, right? I play so much that when I close my eyes at night,

I just see cupcakes now.

Instead of my normal dizzying array of flashing lights.

Yes, well, I have a tremendous amount of self-control.

I don't think I'll have any problem resisting this silly game.

Mmm-hmm. As a matter of fact, I've deleted

the application there. Hmm.

Does… Does this mean I've lost my progress?

Well, doesn't matter, because I'm done.

The Nine-Nine is in the Village.

BOYLE, SANTIAGO: Nine-Nine.

Hey, Ronnie. They upgraded you from bystander to perp. That's great, man.

Thank you. I'm going to blow your brains out.

TEDDY: Amy Santiago.

Teddy. Oh, my God. Hey.

It's been so long. What are you doing here?

I'm with the Eight-Two now. We're paired with you today.

Yeah. Quick. 10-54 I.

[INHALES SHARPLY] Ambulance case. Severed limb.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

What is going on here?

Uh, Teddy and I met at Code Camp.

It was a voluntary refresher course on police codes.

Oh. Some long nights of intense memorizing.

It was pretty dope.

Sounds dope.

PERALTA: Nice to meet you.

TEDDY: Nice to meet you.

Well, I'm going to go sign in, but we should catch up later.

Yeah. Great seeing you.

You, too.

Who was that guy?

Uh, that was Teddy. We went on, like, five dates last year.

I liked him, but he was stationed out in Queens, so I never got to see him.

And it sort of fizzled.

Right. That's the guy you said the lame stuff about,

like, he's a good listener.

I'm sorry. What do you look for in a guy?

I don't know. Real stuff. The shape of his ass.

All right.

It's so weird that Amy dated that guy.

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Why do you care so much?

Okay. First of all, your insinuating voice

is way too high. It's creepy.

And second, I don't care. I'm just curious why she would like him.

Whatever you say. [NORMAL VOICE] Oh, yeah. No, I hear it now.

Yeah, I sound like Meryl Streep in Mamma Mia!

Oh, this is so cool. You can shoot around corners.

I love guns. I'm going to make such a good dad.

Not even going to touch that.

The Amy Santiago story.

Santiago. Got one for you. 10-51.

Roving gang. Specify direction of travel and number in group.

At least make me work for it.

Hey, I got one. How about 10-69?

That's easy. Message received.

And simultaneously given. Am I right? Up top.

Sixty-nine.

Got it. Yeah.

So, uh, they've got the new handguns in. You want to check them out?

Totally. Of course.

Oh, I see what happened. I thought he was talking to me.

And he clearly was. Chop-chop, Ted.

Let's roll. Hold down the fort.

Uh…

That's a PUW, or portable ultrasonic weapon.

It emits a focused beam of sound,

which can disorient and even incapacitate a perp.

So, it shoots sound? Mmm-hmm.

Is this the trigger?

Yes, but you want to be careful with that.

[HUMMING]

[GROANS]

I thought it would be louder.

It's highly directional.

If it were pointed at you, you'd be in incredible pain right now.

-[LOUD HUMMING] -[GROANING]

Why is this happening? I can taste my thoughts!

Enough, Diaz.

BOYLE: Oh, my God. [BREATHES HEAVILY]

It's pretty cool.

Captain Holt? Have you seen Captain Holt?

Tall, handsome gentleman, dressed like an airline pilot?

No. Okay.

VOICE: Cupcake Match.

GINA: Your pants are up. I'm coming in.

Captain.

I think you might have a little bit

of a problem here, boo.

I have this under control.

You should leave. This is the men's room.

This is no longer a men's room.

It is now a liar's den.

I am Captain of this precinct and you are my assistant.

I have given you a direct order to leave.

I do not have a problem. If I want to play Kwazy Cupcakes,

I will play Kwazy Cupcakes.

Kwazy is a difficult word to say in anger,

but I think I made my feelings clear.

Nice. Have you noticed they moved the trigger?

Oh. Real exciting finger feel.

Finger feel? Really?

Nice! Two to the chest. Textbook shooting.

Yeah, and his overalls fell down.

I can't believe you would kill a farmer,

the backbone of our nation's economy.

May I? When it comes to shooting patterns,

I like to go "P, B, and J." Penis, Brain, Jaw.

Nice shooting, man. But do you think the penis is an effective target?

Interesting fact, a man can run half a mile with no genitals.

That's a weird thing to know a lot about.

Hey, hey. Okay, so, I know you're pissed at Boyle.

I told you. Shooting him with that sonic cannon was an accident.

It's not just that.

Ah!

[GROANING]

Whoops. Sorry. Net gun.

My cafe con leche!

[GROANS]

Sorry. Misfire.

Right in my breasts!

So many accidents.

Look, I get it if Vivian doesn't want me to come.

But Boyle should have said something. We're supposed to be friends.

We're finally getting along.

Well, talk to him. That's what friends do.

Nope. I'm going to wait until I'm on my deathbed,

get in the last word, and then die immediately.

That's your plan for dealing with this?

That's my plan for dealing with everything.

I have 77 arguments I'm going to win that way.

Seems like a bad plan.

Now I have 78.

[BRITISH ACCENT] Rex Buckingham, at your service.

That was majestic.

Custom knee pads to help me win coolest kill.

What? Don't tell me old Buckingham's the only chap here with a signature move.

Uh, no. I'm working on a thing where,

when I'm out of ammo, I release my mag

and drop-kick it straight into someone's throat.

Oh, my buttholes! Ooh.

Okay. I know you have two bullet wounds in your butt,

but you've got to stop calling them your buttholes.

You know how people hold their guns sideways to look cool?

It got me thinking. What if you held your gun upside down?

You can use that.

That will never happen, my American friend.

[ALARM BUZZING]

Eight-Two's done. Heads up.

Hey. How did it go?

-It went well. -SANTIAGO: Mmm-hmm.

We had a perfect run.

And not to brag, but I think we just set

an NYPD course record for time.

[NORMAL ACCENT] Definitely a brag.

A course record? That is so cool.

Oh, thanks, I'm psyched. Hey, good luck in there.

-Thanks. -TEDDY: All right.

All right. Huddle up. This is how it's going down.

What happened to your accent, Rex?

Forget that crap. We're taking this seriously.

All right. On three.

Let's break that course record and be the best precinct here. Ready?

One, two, three!

ALL: Let's break that course record and be the best precinct here!

Yeah, I agree, it was too many words. Let's do it!

Okay. I've got the details for this simulation.

A group of armed men entered an embassy

and have taken hostages.

Which embassy?

Doesn't matter.

Fine. Canada, then.

So, take out the perps, clear the civilians,

rescue the hostages?

Affirmative. This is an active shooter situation.

You're cleared for maximum engagement.

Maximum engagement? What is this?

Jurassic Park: The Ride?

Diaz and Boyle, perimeter security.

Me and Boyle?

Yeah. Just the two of you.

Peralta and Santiago, you're the assault team.

I'll be in the command center.

Scully, I want you to do nothing.

Just stand next to me and say, "Yes, Sarge."

Okay, Sarge.

Come on, man.

PERALTA: All right, focus up.

We've got 18 minutes, 41 seconds to break this record.

No screwing around.

Whoa. You're really not going to do a character?

[FORCED BRITISH ACCENT] What about Rex Buckingham?

Okay, never ever do an accent again.

And I am playing a character.

A no-nonsense detective whose only goal

is to set this course record.

His name is Vic Kovac.

He's an ex-Navy SEAL who was double crossed and left for dead.

I don't have time for his backstory. Sarge?

Okay, guys. And go!

-Captain. Captain. -[GAME MUSIC PLAYING]

Captain? Sorry.

[CHUCKLES] I'm just about to enter Sprinkle City.

They break the game into these idiotic worlds

to give you some false sense of progress.

So, just stop playing.

But I'm just about to enter Sprinkle City.

Gina, I got a problem.

This game has started to affect my work.

Numbers three and four, switch places.

Cupcake match.

I don't understand why I can't stop.

I've never had a problem controlling myself.

Do you know I love milk?

Mmm… No.

Well, I do. But it hurts my stomach.

So, I haven't had milk, a beverage I love, for 19 years.

Nineteen milk-less years I've gone.

But for some reason, I can't quit Kwazy Cupcakes?

I know what to do.

Hitchcock, you ever play Kwazy Cupcakes?

I love that game. I just got up to Sprinkle City.

Oh, my gosh. Interesting.

What level are you on, Captain Holt?

Sprinkle City.

We have so much in common.

Look at that. I'm cured.

Turn around! Clear!

Clear.

Clear.

Nice.

Okay, only three perps left.

We might actually do this. I like Vic Kovac so much more than Jake Peralta.

Oh, yeah, Kovac. Let's, uh, find the man who stabbed my sister

and get revenge for ruining my life and everything.

You were double-crossed and left for dead.

I can't believe you remembered that.

I also can't believe I didn't go with the sister stabbing.

Emotionally, that is much richer.

JEFFORDS: Peralta, we got intel.

There's a hostage in room 4-0-9.

PERALTA: Copy that.

I love how it always smells like fresh paint here.

Reminds me of how often I moved as a child.

No talking. You'll give away our position.

BOYLE: Look out!

Come on.

That was close. There's paint in your hair.

Okay, here it goes. I'm pissed at you.

Oh, boy.

I thought I wanted to do this on my death bed,

but apparently, I could die randomly in some hallway somewhere. So…

You didn't invite me to your wedding, and it hurt my feelings.

I thought we were friends.

I'm sorry. It's just…

Vivian thought it might be weird to invite you because I used to be,

you know, all consumed by my passionate love for you or whatever.

It's okay. I understand.

Hey, thanks for shooting that guy.

Hey, my pleasure.

Your pleasure? This was a human being you just killed.

Bill "Perp" had a family.

Whoa! Ow!

Hostages are in there.

Intel says there's a couple of heavily armed perps with them.

You want to wait for backup?

No time. We only have a minute, twelve to beat the record.

[EXHALES] I'm going in.

Don't worry. I have a plan on how to beat them.

Give up. What?

Trust me. Or don't. I'm doing it anyway.

NYPD. Don't shoot.

I'm here to surrender.

Let the hostages go and take me instead.

Not happening.

Drop the weapons.

All right, all right. My fingers are off the triggers.

I'm just going to slowly put them down in front of me. Slowly putting them.

Oh, man.

Terry, time.

Eighteen minutes, twenty-eight seconds.

You broke the record.

Yes! Nice!

Well done.

All in a day's work, elderly lady. All in a day's work.

Ah, there he is!

[ALL CHEERING]

The record is ours.

So amazing, Jake.

Check it out. I got us prizes.

Sweet. Victim.

SANTIAGO: I can't believe your final kill

came with Scully's move.

You went upsy-downsies?

That's what I call it because you hold the gun upside-down.

Yes, Scully, I went upsy-downsies,

and none of you will ever speak of it ever again.

But I want to speak of it. You looked really dumb.

Man, I feel so good.

It almost makes me want to start taking things seriously all the time.

But then, I'm like, boobs, fart, boobs, whatever.

All right, let's go. Drinks are on me.

[BRITISH ACCENT] Oh! Nice!

Here we go, Nine-Nine!

Actually, Teddy asked me to get dinner.

So, maybe I can meet up with you guys afterwards?

Oh. Neat. Yeah. Of course.

Cool. Boobs, fart, boobs, whatever.

So, I just talked to Vivian.

I told her I really want you to come to the wedding,

and she said okay.

Thanks. I'm excited to go.

Also, STD stands for sexually transmitted disease.

That is correct. It is, however,

very expensive to reprint those cards,

so we're leaning into it.

Rosa Diaz, will you accept my STD?

I look forward to having it forever.

Mmm.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, congratulations, everyone, on a perfect run,

and a new course record.

[ALL CHEERING]

And congratulations to you, Captain,

on beating your Kwazy Cupcakes addiction.

ALL: Captain Holt!

Okay. I had to tell them. It's in my nature.

You helped me today,

so I'll give you a pass on embarrassing me publicly. Thank you.

I feel that the reason I was so vulnerable to this game

was because technology has evolved at a faster…

Yeah, I don't know. I think it's just bright and stupid and fun.

So fun. So fun.

[INHALES, EXHALES DEEPLY]

What's going on, Vic Kovac?

What do you think Amy sees in Teddy?

So, you do like her. I'm just curious.

I mean, I guess he's okay-looking and he's a good cop

and they're both kind of dorky about police stuff.

Also, he set the course record, but that's nothing.

I broke it, like, 20 minutes later.

You want to know why she went out with him and not you?

Yeah.

Because he actually asked her out.

Hey, Vivian.

Rosa. I'm here to celebrate with the team.

Look. I'm not really good at this stuff, but…

Thank you for inviting me to your wedding.

I'm really happy I can come, and I promise it won't be weird at all.

Yeah, I'm really happy you can come, too.

Because I didn't think it was going to happen.

What do you mean?

Well, Chuck told me you were going to be out of town that weekend.

And then, you know, he just told me that your plans changed. So, uh…

So, yeah. So, that's great news.

Why would it be weird?

Um, it would be weird because I'm weird.

Oh.

Whoo…

I'm leaving.

SANTIAGO: Night, everyone.

Hey, Amy. Hmm?

Check it out. No way! You won coolest kill?

Not even close.

It turns out anyone can just buy themselves a children's karate trophy.

Smart. Yeah.

Hey, before you go, I wanted to ask you something.

SANTIAGO: Of course.

I was just wondering… Are you wearing lipstick?

Yeah. I'm going out with Teddy again.

Does it look weird? I called my 13-year-old niece

for makeup tips,

but I don't know if I trust her.

She is so sexual.

You look great.

Thank you.

So, what's up?

Oh. It's not important.

I just had a question about a work thing.

But have a great date,

and we'll talk tomorrow.

Okay. Bye.

Bye.

I'll help you with your work stuff, Jakey.

Perfect.