Original subtitles

Happy Turkey Day. Yes! Right out of the gate.

What? What's going on?

We're playing Boyle Bingo, Thanksgiving Edition.

Everyone filled out their cards with possible Charles-related scenarios.

First to "Bingo" gets 100 bucks.

I had "Boyle calls it 'Turkey Day"' in the center square.

"Boyle explains that they ate lobsters

"at the first Thanksgiving."

They did. Back in that time,

they called lobsters "ocean bugs."

And I'll just mark it off for you.

PERALTA: I think I've got the winning card here.

"Boyle tells us that he played Pocahontas in his third grade play."

All the girls were too big.

This is a fun one. "Boyle says, 'Gobble, gobble, gobble."'

Well, now that I know you want me to say that,

I'll just say it with two gobbles.

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Gobble, gobble.

Gobble. God, it just… It just sounds right that way.

-[SIGHS] I don't like this game. -DIAZ: Ha!

"Boyle objects to Boyle Bingo."

Come on, guys. "Boyle says, 'Come on, guys."'

That's two for Terry.

Well, guess what? I can spoil your little game by sitting over here

quietly all day and doing nothing. Oh! Ah!

Anybody have "Boyle falls on floor"? No one?

That's a victory. That's a victory for Boyle. Boom!

ALL: Boyle says, "Boom!"

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

PERALTA: Check it out, chair jockeys.

While you were busy tickling the ivories

on your computers, I was doing a bust.

Cocaine! Thanks, Lucius.

He ran, I pursued…

Whole thing turned into an awesome car chase.

NYPD!

Hey! [GRUNTS]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

-MAN: Come on! Move, move! -[HORN HONKING]

Hey, there, criminal! It's me, Johnny Law.

Well, at least you're done early

so you have time to go home

and change for my Thanksgiving dinner.

[GROANS] Why do we have to dress up

for Thanksgiving?

I don't even celebrate that stuff.

The whole holiday is based on overeating.

We should be wearing velvet track suits and diapers.

Jacket and tie.

Rosa's even wearing her formal leather jacket.

It's the one without any blood on it.

You're gonna dress up.

And you're gonna give a toast

about what you're thankful for.

Start preparing.

Oh, I prefer not to prepare for my toasts.

I just wing them, like scat jazz. [SCATTING]

Are we singing? No, no, no, no, no.

[SINGING OPERA IN ITALIAN]

That's nice. You don't have to.

[WHISPERS] I'm not dressing up for your party.

Damn it, Boyle. You left the fridge open.

The door couldn't shut

because of your empty pizza box.

Pizza? Please. This is a butternut squash

and truffle butter flatbread.

Everything's spoiled. My lunch is ruined!

My chicken. My potatoes. My pasta. My meatballs.

My ham. My yogurt.

Oh, that's a lot of yogurt. I love yogurt.

So, this is your lunch for, like, the month?

I need to eat 10,000 calories a day

to maintain muscle mass.

My wife made me all of this

before she left town with the kids.

That was everything in my fridge.

Scully. Hey-a, Sarge.

I know you got a secret stash of food hidden somewhere.

Oh, no. No, I don't. Where is it?

Is it in your pockets? Oh, come on.

I'm gonna shake it out of your pockets. Turn around.

Sarge. Oh. Sarge!

Go limp, Scully. Oh, wow.

This is fun!

Release your sweets!

Can I help you, Santiago?

Oh, Captain. Didn't expect to see you there.

In my office?

So, I just wanted to make sure that you knew about the Thanksgiving dinner

I'm hosting for the squad after work.

Yes. I received your "Save the Date" decorative gourd.

Your ornamental cornucopia.

And this beautiful hand-crafted card of a turkey wearing a top hat.

It's a pilgrim's hat. Where's the buckle, Santiago?

[SOFTLY] The buckle.

My husband is out of town for work. So, of course I will attend your dinner.

Cool! Whatever.

Yeah, don't worry about it either way.

It's not a big deal.

Yes! Why so excited?

Did you make the cover of Hair Pulled Back magazine?

The Captain is coming to my party.

I'm gonna give a toast, tell him how thankful I am

to have him in the precinct,

and officially ask him to be my mentor. [CHUCKLES]

Wait, are you only hosting dinner

because you want to suck up to Holt?

Not cool.

This was supposed to be about friendship.

You said you were only coming to see if my apartment was the reason I was single,

or if it was my personality like you suspected.

Yeah, but that was before I knew I could get up on this high horse.

Love the view up here.

Clip, clop. Clip, clop. Clip, clop.

Same to you, Your Honor.

Oh, what judge were you talking to?

That was my mother. You call your mom "Your Honor"?

She's a federal judge in the Ninth Circuit. What else would I call her?

Okay.

Captain, uh, paperwork is all done on that drug bust.

What else you got for me? Nothing. All open cases are assigned.

Come on. There's got to be something I can investigate.

No, there's nothing. All right, well, when there's nothing, there's nothing.

You know what I can do… Whoa! Who did that?

Don't worry, sir. I will stay here all night figuring this out.

I know what you're up to here, Peralta.

Damn straight. I'm trying to catch the Mad Paper Scatterer.

You want an excuse to skip Santiago's Thanksgiving dinner

because, for some reason, you refuse to

celebrate this holiday like a normal person.

Fine. You're right. I want to do what I do every year.

Sit at home, watch football, and eat mayo nut spoonsies.

Those are spoonfuls of mayo, sprinkled with peanuts. That's revolting.

Maybe so, but it's what I invented when I was six,

because my mom was working so I had to make dinner for myself.

My sad story trumps your insult. Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake!

BOYLE, PERALTA: Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake!

Thank you, Boyle.

If a case opens up, it's yours.

But if not, you will be at Santiago's.

As a professional courtesy. Dismissed.

From what? I thought we were just chatting.

We never chat anymore!

Oh, my God, Amy, that's so cool

that you still live with your grandmother.

I live alone. This is my stuff.

I like quilts. Stop. Each sentence is getting sadder.

It looks like you live on the set of Murder, She Wrote.

Well, I've got to say, it's not as bad as I thought it would be.

The football game's not on, so I can still watch it later at home.

And it's kind of cool to visit a time before electricity was invented.

I have to practice my toast.

God, how long is that?

Eight pages. Single-spaced?

Double-sided. Santiago style.

Okay. Excuse me. Can we please eat?

My body is starting to digest itself.

Terry needs nutrients.

No eating until the Captain gets here. Okay? Sorry.

Don't apologize.

I'd rather spend Thanksgiving at your house

than with my sister.

"Things you find at the beach."

For "S," I had "seagull." Good one, Diana! Ice cream break!

DIANA: Yay! Yay.

It's so pleasant and boring.

But Holt at your house? Surrounded by these idiots?

Guaranteed train wreck. Thanks for the invite.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

He's here. Okay, he's here.

Everybody, be cool. Hitchcock, why do you have your shirt off?

Can't spill food on your shirt if you're not wearing one.

What…

Captain Holt.

Happy Thanksgiving. Your apartment was very easy to locate.

Thank you so much. You look beautiful.

Weirdest conversation ever.

Nice work, you two.

Before we eat, I'd like everyone to go around and say

what they're thankful for this year.

[SIGHS] Fine, I'll go first.

I am thankful that Thanksgiving only comes once a year.

People stuff themselves. And then at midnight, they run to appliance stores

and trample each other to death.

It's a garbage holiday.

[SOBS] I'm sorry. I just get emotional when I talk about

how bogus Thanksgiving is.

I'll just go. I actually prepared a little something.

You did? "When I was a little girl,

"playing cops and robbers with my brothers…"

-[CELL PHONE RINGING] -Excuse me. Please continue, Santiago.

Or I could wait.

No waiting. Just toasting. I want you to toast.

Now I want to eat toast. Give me some toast!

HOLT: Okay. I'll be right there.

I have to head back to the precinct.

No. Why? Someone stole $10,000 from the evidence lock-up.

Yes. Oh, awesome. Why is that awesome?

It's a case. You said I could hop on any case that came up.

It's a Thanksgiving miracle!

Have fun, you guys. Let's roll!

You'd think the one place money would be safe is a police station.

I hear that. Remember when Santiago called you beautiful?

Yes, that was odd. We need to get this money back.

The exact bills. Or the Commissioner's office will make our lives hell.

What is this? Uh, this is Terry dancing.

People do the weirdest stuff in the evidence lock-up

when they think no one's watching.

Mmm. Fast forward, fast forward.

Fast forward. Wait, wait, wait. Stop, stop, stop.

Okay. So, here's our money.

Fast forward. Hold it. Hold it. Go back.

There's our guy. Got him. Okay.

We should start by checking all the perps

that were released from holding today.

Good idea. And if it's none of them,

we may miss Santiago's altogether.

Thanksgiving is dead!

Santiago. Can we please, please just eat?

What if Captain Holt and Jake are coming back?

Hang on. I have a toast.

I am thankful to have someone in my life

who gives me a reason to get out of bed every morning.

And I hope that my relationship with this person will only grow…

[SIGHS] More intimate.

Who are you talking about?

Um… Hitchcock.

Okay, enough is enough. I'm eating.

[GROANS] What's in these?

Potatoes, butter, a little milk.

And I ran out of salt, so I used baking soda.

Why wouldn't you?

They're both white powders.

Of course they're interchangeable!

Yeah.

[GRUNTS]

There were two men released from holding today

that were the right height and weight to be our thief on the security footage.

Even if it is one of them, how will we know?

Easy. The guy on the footage was left-handed.

We just give all of our suspects some made-up form to sign

and see which hand they use.

All right, amigo.

Punch it!

Good, did that. Now, punch it!

A-ha. Safety first. Punch it!

Okay. See, now, I just feel like

-you're messing with me… -[TIRES SCREECHING]

Anyone want seconds? Can't. So stuffed.

SCULLY: Amy. Your toilet's overflowing!

What? Ew. Scully, what did you do?

And the night gets worse-better.

I… I didn't do it. Although I understand why you suspect me.

Then, who clogged it?

So, none of you ate anything.

Terry, you said you ate the whole turkey. Toilet.

I ate one string bean. It tasted like fish vomit.

That was it for me.

But I'm a good cook.

You all ate those brownies I brought in last week.

I thought they were erasers.

Charles said he loved them.

I'm a textbook people-pleaser.

I have a serious problem.

This was great, though. You must be so proud.

Yeah, Thanksgiving's over.

Everybody go home.

We're just… We're done hanging out together.

I… I'm not done hanging out.

Let's go to the bar. They serve food there.

That's a great idea! Oh, look at that. "Boyle saves Thanksgiving."

Does it really say that? No. But it does say, "Boyle believes obvious lie."

Damn it!

So, what's our strategy here?

I'm thinking maybe we can do the whole thing in character.

I'll play Detective Bart Barley, tightly wound,

hates violence against animals.

And you're my partner, Gerald Jimes,

a man who solved every crime but one…

The murder of his wife.

Peralta, take this seriously.

I am. As seriously as you're taking the search for the man who killed Jane Jimes.

Your only clue? He wore a yellow sweater.

Eh? You're considering it. Let's get in there.

NYPD.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

What's going on? I'm right in the middle of carving turkey.

I'm vegetarian. Eating meat is murder.

I hate violence against animals.

Bup, bup, bup, bup.

We overlooked a release form we were supposed to have you sign. We apologize.

Yeah, he's right-handed. Let's go.

Look out, bad guys It's Barley and Jimes

Barley and Jimes are on the case

Please, refrain from make-believe this time.

-Fine. -[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Evening, ma'am. NYPD. Barley and Jimes.

We're looking for Donny Romano.

Ugh. Come in. Donny! What did you do? Cops are here.

[GROANS] What do you guys want?

Sorry to bother you, sir. My partner, here,

forgot about a form we need you to sign.

What's happening, Donny? What did you do?

I didn't do anything. It's not my fault.

Same old story. It's never you, is it? What did Donny do?

I swear, Ma. I don't know what this is about.

Why won't you ever believe me?

-Because I raised a liar. You lie. -DONNY: Oh…

Shut up, Ma. Hey, don't talk to Ma like that.

Don't you tell me what to do, Louie! Excuse me.

-[INDISTINCT SHOUTING] -Not the rolls!

George, do something! Excuse me, if…

[ALL SHOUTING]

My wife was murdered by a man in a yellow sweater!

It's the one case I can't solve.

Don't fight with family.

It can all go away so quickly. Sign this?

[SIGHS]

That's a hell of a breakthrough, Jimes. I'm proud of you.

Also, we just got our man.

He signed with his right hand. That's right, he did.

But he didn't do it. He did. What?

I couldn't help but notice you throwing those rolls

with your left hand, boss.

Not to mention this hoodie matches our security footage exactly.

You stole that money when you came in to pick up your brother

from holding today, didn't you? Damn it.

HOLT: Nice work, Peralta.

So, where's the money now? It's not here.

I bet it all on the football game. My bookie has it.

Yes! The case continues. This is not good.

Right. Sorry, Jimes.

His father was murdered by a bookie.

I know you miss him.

Our perp says the bookie operates out of a hidden back room.

Try to blend in. Good idea.

I'll just age myself 60 years,

become Chinese and female.

Here we go. [BLOWS AIR THROUGH TEETH]

Did it work? $10 to play.

Oh, we're just looking around.

$40 just to look around.

All right, we'll play.

$15 to play. All right.

[SIGHS] Tommy, can we order some food?

The cook's gone. I sent him home.

Do you have any more of these pretzels? Sure.

I'm gonna call the cook.

Smart. Good call.

Hey. Rough night?

[SIGHS] Yeah, it certainly hasn't gone according to plan.

Oh, no. Oh, Amy, I was ordering a drink called a "Rough Night."

It's tequila with a nicotine patch.

Right.

How do I get Holt to pay attention to me?

He sure spends a lot of time on Peralta.

Maybe I should start screwing up like Jake does.

I can act out, too, you know. Please do.

Okay. Watch this.

Oops.

Out. All of you. But the cook is coming back.

Out!

Fine!

But I'm taking these olives!

[SIGHS] Sorry. Happy Turkey Day.

[SPEAKING IN CANTONESE]

Aah! I think I'm getting the hang of this.

These tiles are either game pieces or candy.

Game pieces. Here we go.

[BOTH SHOUTING IN CANTONESE]

I think I just won.

The guy by the bathroom seems very interested in the commotion you just made.

Yeah, and he's been waiting for the toilet since we got here.

Ten-to-one, that's not a bathroom and he's a lookout.

Let's go. You got it.

I'm gonna just cash out.

[SPEAKING IN CANTONESE]

There is nothing here.

Don't worry, guys. I found food.

Are you eating packing peanuts?

Okay. I do keep a secret stash of food in the office.

I knew it! Where? Where?

Sarge, am I too heavy?

No. Where is it?

There. The one with the water stain.

There's a lot of food up there?

Yeah. It's a smorgasbord.

[CRIES OUT]

[HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM]

[ALL CLAMORING]

I think the rats got to it. You think?

This is the greatest thing that's ever happened.

Okay, it's over. Thanksgiving time of death, now.

No. This will not be our Thanksgiving. All right. You all wait here.

Give me an hour. Terry, to the door.

I'm just gonna put you down, man.

Yeah, totally, that makes sense. That makes sense.

Hey, there. Bathroom?

There's another one upstairs over there. [GROANS]

[WHISPERS] Oh. Never mind. Let's go.

[WHISPERS] What, it's really a bathroom?

No, no, no. There's tons of illegal stuff happening in there.

But they're watching the football game, and I DVR'd it.

I don't want to see the score. What?

Okay, fine. We'll go get the stolen money.

NYPD! Freeze!

-Change the channel and then freeze! -HOLT: Put it down!

[GRUNTING]

HOLT: Put it down! Put it down!

This is a weird request, but will you switch places with me?

I really don't want to see the score! [GRUNTS]

Oh, yeah. Thank you. So much better.

Oh! Why are there so many TVs in here?

PERALTA: Thank you.

Money was still in the bookie's safe. All the numbers match.

Let's head back to Santiago's party.

Oh, no, thanks. I think I'm gonna head home

and watch the football game.

Which was ruined for me!

What's your problem with celebrating Thanksgiving?

It's a sucky holiday. It's always sucked.

My mom worked, my dad was gone, and I sat at home watching football.

Look, Jake. I came from a very formal family.

My parents were not especially affectionate.

Really? Your Honor wasn't a big snuggler?

But the beauty of being an adult

is that you can make a new family with new traditions.

Well, that's nice, Captain, but I don't have a new family yet.

So, I guess I'm stuck with my awesome old traditions.

Okay. I'll tell the squad you couldn't make it.

Thank you. Before you go, can I borrow some money?

I'm getting some pretty serious vibes from Wendy over there,

and I'd like to take her some place special.

Hey. What are you all doing here?

Amy broke everything and got us kicked out of the bar.

Then, we got attacked by rats.

It's the best Thanksgiving ever.

Fascinating.

Happy Turkey Day.

Right through there, gentlemen.

Not a lot of places are open,

so this will be a multi-ethnic,

non-traditional Thanksgiving.

It's a real culinary challenge.

Give me 15 minutes, and then we feast.

Make it five.

You eat with your eyes,

so the plating alone takes…

Five, Boyle!

Captain, I want to tell you something. Hmm?

I think you're…

Like, when I was a little girl…

You think I'm like when you were a little girl.

Forget it. The moment's passed.

Is this about your toast?

How did you get that? Gina gave it to me.

It's very well written. There are several compelling anecdotes,

the fonts suit the tone. Good work.

I did feel, however, the word choice could have been improved in spots.

I marked them "awk." For awkward.

That was the best thing anyone's ever said to me.

"I marked them 'awk.' For awkward"?

It's advice. He's mentoring me.

Yes!

[SIGHS] So, this is kind of a play on your typical Thanksgiving dinner.

For turkey, we have the Peking duck with a veggie samosa stuffing.

The potatoes are the empanadas with an Ethiopian lentil stew gravy.

And for dessert, some seasonal gelatin cups.

Okay, I ran out of money. They're from when Hitchcock got his colonoscopy.

Bon appétit.

-I'm here. I'm here. -ALL: Ah!

Finally, something to actually be thankful for.

What are you wearing? Santiago said to dress up, so…

Well, you look beautiful.

That's my thing now. I'm just owning it.

Okay, before we eat… Nope. Not doing that again.

Move! Could you pass the, uh…

You get that hand near me again, you're gonna lose it.

Okey doke. Let's eat!

Yeah. Hey, thanks for giving a copy of my toast to Holt. That was nice of you.

Oh, you're welcome. I mean, you don't have to get so freaked out around him.

You're just trying to tell him you respect him.

Okay. But to be honest, I kind of gave it to him as a prank,

'cause I thought it would be super embarrassing for you.

But I'm happy it worked out.

But I would have been happy if he hated it. But I'm happy he didn't.

So, you pretty much got the disaster night you were hoping for?

Yeah. Until you made the best Thanksgiving meal I've ever had and ruined it.

Excuse me.

Uh, so, earlier at Amy's, I didn't give a real toast because…

I didn't know what to say.

But since that time, a wise, unsmiling man

named Gerald Jimes made me realize

what I am thankful for.

So, I'd just like to say

I am happy to be here with my family.

My super weird family with two black dads

and two Latina daughters and two white sons…

And Gina. And… I don't know what you are.

Some strange, giant baby. To the Nine-Nine!

ALL: To the Nine-Nine.

That was perfect.

Ooh! "Boyle cries." I got Boyle Bingo!

Yeah! No!

Yeah!