Original subtitles

OFFICERS: Whoa!

SANTIAGO: Settle.

Sorry, Sarge.

Ugh, Halloween is the worst.

Everyone's drunk, wearing a mask,

and carrying a fake gun.

Plus all the girls think they have to dress sexy.

I know, that is the worst. Please make them stop.

I passed a slutty tree on the way here.

Who wants to have sex with a tree?

Was it a maple? Was it a maple?

Buongiorno! Buongiorno!

Pretty cool 'stume, huh? 'Stume?

Short for costume. Ah.

All right, let me guess. You are dumpy Chuck Norris.

No, I'm… Dumpy Ron Weasley.

-No. -JEFFORDS: You guys, stop it.

He put thought into his costume,

and he is obviously Miranda from Sex and the City.

Guys, I'm Mario Batali!

Motto Mario? Celebrity chef?

Ginger Prince of Little Italy?

Is he also a homeless troll doll?

'Cause you look like a homeless troll doll.

Hey, sweet Batali costume, dude.

Thank you!

There's a man with impeccable taste.

He bit a guy's butt off at a WNBA game.

Eric Stoltz from Mask.

-I'll take it. -PERALTA: Yeah.

I hope you're all well rested.

It's gonna be a busy night.

The holding cell's completely full.

I keep having to separate Hillary Clinton and Kim Jong-Eun.

Stop it! Stop making out!

Hey! No! What would Bill say?

We need two undercovers at the DeKalb street warehouse party.

Uh, Boyle, you're already in costume as, uh…

Joy Behar? I'm Mario Batali.

Okay. And, uh, Santiago, you go with him.

Yes, sir. Damn it.

Santiago, I know that you hate Halloween,

but stick with me, and I promise you, you will love it.

Can you magically make everyone kind, sober, and fully dressed?

"Kind, sober, and fully dressed."

Good news, everyone, we found the name of Santiago's sex tape.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Well, ring it up, nerds.

I just arrested my first Halloween idiot of the season.

He was trying to rob a bank, but had a little trouble with the getaway.

PERALTA: Trying to split, huh?

Don't worry, I'm sure you'll get out on "a peel."

I'm so glad you're stuck. I've got a million of these.

No, no, don't touch the money! [GROANS]

I swear, these perps are so stupid.

I'd make a better criminal than any of them.

Yeah, you would. You'd be an evil mastermind,

and everyone would call you the Handsome Bandit.

Thank you, Charles. And the best part is,

none of you could catch me.

Oh, come on.

I'm fairly certain you would be caught.

No, scratch that. I'm 100% sure you'd be caught.

[CHUCKLES]

All right, challenge accepted.

I didn't issue a challenge.

Fine. I'll issue it for you.

What's the most valuable thing in your office?

My medal of valor.

God, you are such a hero.

All right, how about this? I will bet you that by midnight tonight,

I can steal the medal of valor from your office.

Why would I possibly agree to that?

Because if I lose, I'll work the next five weekends.

No overtime.

And I won't tell anyone here about

the time I saw you wearing short shorts outside of work.

But if I win… You won't.

…you have to do all of my paperwork tonight,

the busiest and spookiest night of the year.

And you have to publicly state

that I'm an amazing detective/genius.

Oh, yeah!

And this won't interfere with you doing your job?

You mean my job as an amazing Detective/genius?

No, it will not. I'll do all of my work, guaranteed.

I'm considering it.

I'm interested.

I agree to participate.

All right. [LAUGHS] Oh!

There's the robot I fell in love with.

DIAZ: Hey.

Sister Steve here got mugged.

Some guy dressed as a royal baby punched him and took his wallet.

She keeps laughing at me.

Can't tell you how many nuns I wanted to beat up in Catholic school.

Ten.

I didn't know you went to Catholic school.

Good. You shouldn't know it.

I get it. You're so mysterious and tough.

But you know what I think?

You're actually a big softie.

No, I think she's really mean.

You probably read a Maya Angelou poem

at your graduation and cried.

Didn't graduate. Had to leave.

Why? What'd you do?

Here's a hint.

I'm not gonna tell you.

Oh, I'm gonna find out anyway.

[SCOFFS] I'm a detective.

I will detect!

Hey.

Got an arrest file here for the captain.

Drunk and disorderly.

So, anyways…

Gina!

We never talk anymore.

How's the dance troupe? Did you get a haircut?

What's the captain's schedule like today?

I'm not gonna help you rob him, Jake.

I'm his assistant, and I take that job incredibly seriously.

You're literally making paper airplanes out of police reports right now.

Well, how am I supposed to get it into that garbage can?

Come on. Fine.

Captain's got a meeting downstairs in ten minutes.

You're the best. Muah!

What does your skin taste like? Dina Lohan.

I'm wearing her face lotion.

That's it.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Okay, party's around the corner.

Tipster said there'll be a huge amount of drug activity.

Why is this costume so stiff?

And what is that smell?

The department never washes them, so it's probably vomit.

Hey!

I got you a chocolate.

Yet another great thing about Halloween, chocolate!

Thanks. Oh, look.

Raggedy Ann is drinking vodka right from the bottle.

People think if they put on a costume,

they can just get away with anything they want.

Halloween is Christmas for jerks.

Come on, ma'am. No open containers.

Oh, and why should I listen to you, bone person?

It's called skeleton. It's a very common word.

Just put the vodka away. Ah…

You guys are cops? These guys are cops!

-[ALL BOOING] -MAN: Throw an egg at them!

[GENTLE THUDDING]

Are you in my ceiling, Peralta?

PERALTA: No.

So what's the plan?

You wait for me to leave my office,

lower yourself down, take my medal, and win the bet?

PERALTA: Who are you talking to? There's no one up here.

Peralta, just so you know,

right now, I am taking my medal off the wall

and placing it in a locked safe,

whose combination is known only to me.

The safe, in turn,

is locked in the cabinet.

The only key to that cabinet is on my person.

I'm off to my meeting. Good luck with your plan.

PERALTA: You think that scares me?

I laugh in the face of adversity!

Are you still there?

Captain, are you still there? I can't hear…

[SCREAMS]

Ow.

Here you go.

Don't touch the butter.

What happened? I thought you guys were supposed to be at the warehouse party.

We got egged.

Some of the shell got in my contacts

and my hair and my mouth and my bra.

I can't tell if that's hot or not.

Not hot. Eggshell in my bra is not hot.

Well, it's kinda hot.

Boobs go in a bra. Up top.

Whoo! My man.

Well, it sounds like costume duty is going great.

So great. We're having the best time.

Right, Amy? I wish I was dead.

Hmm.

How's the unwinnable bet going?

Well, on the one hand, I fell through the ceiling

and onto a pencil, but on the other hand,

I also badly bruised my brain.

If you wanted to make a bet with Holt,

you should have made a bet you could win.

Like who wears more denim jackets.

That was one time.

You guys never forget anything.

You know, frankly, I'm a little surprised

you don't think I can win this thing.

You're always telling me how I'm the best.

You're the best, Jake.

Paperwork delivery.

You're the best, Jake.

BOYLE: Jake, you're the best.

Thank you, Charles.

Yeah, maybe it's just Charles.

JEFFORDS: Look, Jake,

I love you like you're one of my daughters. Really?

But it's not about you or how smart you are.

It's about Captain Holt.

The man's a genius.

He's had your number at every turn.

Well, not this day… Turn… Time.

Sorry, I'm pretty sure I had a concussion back there.

Here I come. All right.

Oh, strong.

DIAZ: Okay, here's the first set of royal babies I rounded up.

Popular costume.

Any of these guys look familiar?

Maybe the third guy. The baby who mugged me was pretty short.

[DIAZ LAUGHS]

You're not supposed to laugh at me.

Number three, step forward and say,

"Give me your money, you stupid bag of crap."

Gimme your money, you stupid bag of crap.

No, wrong giant baby.

I still want to know why you got kicked out of Catholic school.

Were you doing drugs?

Worse.

Selling drugs?

Worse.

How bad could it have been?

Did you burn down a church?

Number three, step forward and say the word "worse."

Worse.

Excuse me, Gina. I can't find Peralta anywhere,

and you're the only one who can decipher his handwriting.

He arrested that bunny, but I don't know what for.

He's either a crispy mother werewolf,

or cowboy mustard, Oslo, Norway.

Hmm.

The bunny groped multiple women on the subway.

Being able to read Jake's writing is a gift.

A useless, useless gift.

Excuse me one second.

Nice costume, Peralta.

No Peralta here.

Just a normal janitor pushing trash around.

HOLT: Come out of there.

Captain, hey.

You really thought this was gonna work?

Uh, it did work.

This whole janitor gambit was designed to fail.

It's just like in chess.

Sometimes in order to win, you have to sacrifice your king.

That's exactly how you lose in chess.

Have you ever played the game? Yeah.

I used to play with my Uncle Bob all the time,

and he said I was great.

This is a game of concentration, Jake.

So focus your mind, and start shooting.

Now you're a master of chess, huh?

He taught me how to shoot backgammon, too.

I expected better of you.

You could have at least created a diversion

to distract me from your terrible costume.

Uh, I'm not a dumb butt.

I had a diversion planned.

There was just a slight timing issue.

Oh, my God!

Get down, everyone! There's a big fire!

Captain, you better head over there for, like,

15 minutes and see what's going on with that.

Beware of the back draft. I'll be in your office.

You have beautiful eyes.

Have it your way. But you're gonna need this.

And that.

It's filthy in there.

[LOUD ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC]

Come on, Amy! Loosen up!

You look like such a cop!

Come on, have some fun, you know?

It'll help you blend in!

Whoo!

Stop trying to get me to love Halloween.

It'll never work.

I'm backing it up.

Oh, God, please don't.

Hey, heads up.

BOYLE: I'll cut them off at the exit. Okay.

Move, move, move! Move! Move, move!

SANTIAGO: He ditched the drugs. I'm on it.

[GRUNTS]

Ugh, everything is sticking to me.

Ooh.

Okay. Ugh. Yes.

MAN: Hey, watch out, man.

Ah! What is that?

How is it hot and cold?

So the soonest you can fix the ceiling is Monday?

I'm gonna have to call you back.

Wait, stop scratching me.

We're supposed to be a team.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Captain, hi.

I was just photocopying some stuff.

Are you trying to jam pigeons into my air-conditioning vent

to flush me out of my office?

Way to ruin the surprise.

How did you get those birds?

By using my big, fat brain.

Get in the bag, you damn bird.

Eat the bread. Eat the bread!

I gotcha! I gotcha!

All part of my elaborate plan to defeat you.

So far, you and your big, fat brain are losing badly.

Maybe, if we're talking about who's winning our bet.

But if we're talking about who's holding more birds,

I'm winning, four-nothing.

You're only holding two.

Ugh. [CLEARS THROAT]

Ooh, when you were logging in the drugs,

you missed some awesome stuff.

A guy walked by in full astronaut costume, gave me a high five.

He high-fived me, too.

Wait. Hitchcock?

Darn it.

I wasn't supposed to talk, but I got so excited about that astronaut.

What is happening?

Amy paid me 50 bucks to trade places with her for the rest of the night.

Really? Yeah.

I'm gonna use that money to buy two suits.

Well, I was gonna ask you to tell the captain

that I brought in royal babies for Diaz,

but I'm sure he already knows, since he's always one step ahead of me.

GINA: Aw. Why so down, little clown?

PERALTA: I'm just sick of losing to Holt. I want that medal.

It's not real gold.

I tried selling it online. Zero bids.

But here's some advice I gave to the girls

in my dance troupe at the Dance Till You Drop Tournament.

That advice was, dance. Dance!

Dance.

Yeah, I'm not really sure that applies here, Gina.

It does apply. It means don't give up.

We would've won if Natasha's water hadn't broken.

Oh, Natasha had her baby?

You know Natasha?

Yeah. Yeah.

Her dog has lupus. Her dog has lupus.

That's a trip. Small world.

Yes.

All right, I'm gonna go cry.

I kind of feel bad for him.

HOLT [ON PHONE]: Don't. He brought this on himself.

You can hang up now.

You paid money to get out of working with me?

Charles, I had to. Tonight has been awful.

Halloween is the worst, and I don't understand why you like it.

No, all the things that you think are bad

about Halloween are what make it great.

The big kids egg you.

Then you and your friends run away together.

Friendships are forged in the crucible of Halloween adversity.

That's all I wanted for us.

You can keep the wig. I don't need it anymore.

I don't really need it either.

PERALTA: Hey, Captain Holt,

can you come out here for one sec?

[SIGHS]

You need something, Peralta?

Yes, I do.

Hit it, royal babies.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

What? No!

Give me my keys.

Will you stop catching me?

Do you have any idea how much I spent on key chains?

$23.

Wow, that is unbelievably close.

$22.76.

Keys. Okay, look.

Tonight has been a little humiliating.

Things are not going well, so I'm gonna just throw this out there.

What do you say we call off the bet

and pretend this whole thing never happened?

Oh, I'm not letting you off the hook.

What? No. [SCOFFS]

I meant to give you an out, so you could save face.

This is getting sad.

Yeah, for you.

JEFFORDS: [CLEARS THROAT] So.

I called your school.

And I managed to get a hold of one Sister Bernadette.

I remember that old bag. She was my favorite.

Well, guess what she said.

Apparently, you were a model student

and transferred of your own volition.

Fine.

The reason I left Catholic school

was because I got into the American Ballet Academy.

I was a classical dancer.

And I was good.

I knew it!

I knew you were a big softie.

You tell anyone, I break your face.

No, you won't. You're too sensitive.

[CHUCKLING]

Captain, sorry to interrupt.

Some officers just arrested Peralta.

What? They caught him scaling

the side of the building with a blowtorch.

[SIGHS]

Captain.

Welcome to the end game.

Would you care to shake the hand of the man who defeated you?

Forgot I was wearing handcuffs. Oh, that hurt.

Whoo! [LAUGHING]

Climbing the side of the building with a blowtorch. What were you thinking?

I was thinking I had better core strength.

I got winded, like, 10 feet up.

I knew you wouldn't win the bet,

but your performance tonight has made me question

not only how good a detective you are,

but, quite frankly, how smart you are.

Well, that's not surprising. You constantly underestimate me.

No, you've been correctly estimated.

You have five minutes until your deadline,

and here you are, handcuffed to a table, in a locked room.

Which is precisely where I planned on being.

Captain, let me tell you a little story.

You remember when I fell through your ceiling?

Yes, that was six hours ago.

It was, I admit, a disastrous failure.

But it gave me the idea for Herman,

the friendly janitor you met.

With Herman, I commenced the perfect crime.

I caught you as Herman.

But you didn't catch Rosa.

HOLT: Come out of there.

PERALTA: As it turns out, our friend, Rosa, is great at picking locks.

Does not surprise me.

No, me neither.

Of course, I had to find a way to get her out of your office

without you seeing her.

So I created a diversion.

Not mistimed, perfectly timed,

so she could escape unseen.

What about the pigeons?

Oh, the gray pigeons?

They were a red herring. Thank you.

Their only purpose was to draw you into the copy room

while two members of my team broke into your locked office.

So now, I had a way into your office and an open cabinet.

All that was left was for the royal babies to steal your keys.

Yes, but you didn't need the keys.

The cabinet was already unlocked.

You needed a way into the safe.

And I got it.

You were so concerned with getting your keys back,

you didn't even notice the Sergeant steal your phone.

That's right, even the Sergeant is on my side.

I then had Charles dust your screen cover for prints.

The greasiest smudges revealed the four numbers you use the most.

The four numbers in your pass code.

Based on your advanced age,

I assumed that you use the same pass code for everything.

Your phone, your email, and, of course, your safe.

That would be a fair assumption.

It was at that point that I bumped into a girl

dressed as a sexy robot, and we got our flirt on… Hard.

'Sup? Jake Peralta.

And how was flirting part of the plan?

Oh, it wasn't. It just ruled.

And that brings us to five minutes ago,

when Amy came to your office and told you that I had been arrested.

I knew she's the only one you would believe,

because, frankly, she's usually too lame

to take part in these kinds of things.

And as you walked over here,

Charles awkwardly stuffed himself through your window and opened your safe.

We had the four numbers of your code, which meant

there were 24 possible combinations for Charles to try.

That could take up to four minutes,

which is why I really dragged out this explanation.

I mean, really stretched it. I don't know if you noticed,

but there were times where I was like,

what am I even talking about? This isn't… Oh.

[WATCH BEEPS]

But now, four minutes is up.

Which means Boyle is either on the other side of that door holding your medal,

or I've lost.

Well, Captain, it seems that Jake

isn't the only person you underestimate

20 seconds to spare. Game over, Captain.

Check me.

I think you mean "checkmate."

You really need to learn how to play chess.

How did you get everyone to help you?

I appealed to their sense of teamwork and camaraderie

with a rousing speech that would put Shakespeare to shame.

[SCOTTISH ACCENT] For too long,

we've been put down, ridiculed,

made to wear ties!

But no more!

For today, we defeat him!

And that worked? No. Oh, no. Not at all.

My speech did not inspire them.

Come on.

So I bribed them.

I told them that if we pulled this off,

I would do all of their paperwork.

And since you're doing all my paperwork…

I'm impressed, Peralta.

Well done.

Thank you, sir.

In fact, the thing that you failed to see, Captain,

teamwork, is exactly… Captain?

…what provided our success. Sir?

He's not coming back.

JEFFORDS: Boyle, I need you in the briefing room.

What is all this?

You know how I think Halloween is for jerks?

Well, this Halloween, I was the jerk.

I'm sorry about tonight.

"I'm sorry about tonight."

We found the title for Santiago's follow-up sex tape.

I'm sorry I couldn't convince you to love Halloween.

It's not your fault. I was terrible.

"It's not your fault I was terrible" is also one of your sex tapes.

Ow.

Halloween is unbearable.

But it was slightly less unbearable with you.

Don't. Okay.

Anyway. We're all going to the bar, so get changed,

'cause you can't be the only one there

not wearing a 'stume.

'Stume! Oh, my God. It caught on.

ALL: No.

Ah, Captain Holt. It is so nice to see you.

Never thought I'd say that. Hmm.

A poor winner. I never would've guessed.

Yeah, you would've.

Way to go all out on your costume, by the way.

I believe you have an announcement to make, so the floor is yours.

[SIGHS] Attention, everyone.

Jake Peralta is an amazing detective/genius.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some paperwork to do.

All right.

Officer in the 92nd got the royal baby mugger.

He had 19 wallets in his diaper.

OFFICER: We got a runner!

[GRUNTS]

Damn!

Oh, I didn't tell you.

I got kicked out of ballet school

for beating the crap out of ballerinas.

It's a good thing we gave 'em a heads up.

Team effort. Go, Nine-Nine.