Original subtitles

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1 Okay, your sister's gone. The kids are all upstairs.

So the pregnancy test is yours?

Yeah. I took the test and it was negative and then...

You got me so excited there thinking I was going to be a father again.

Well, then, my body still didn't feel right, so I rearranged the furniture.

Oh, yeah. It looks nice. I like this flow you got here.

No, no…Paul, you don't understand. I took it again and it was positive.

What? How could this happen?

How could this happen? Well, you see, Paul, you know,

a man and a woman fall in love and at some point...

I know how it happens. Hey, honey, listen…

if your body's going through weird things,

maybe it's just that you're going through men…

…men… many different things, my child.

Cate, look, it's just that, you know, I'm trying to write my book

and the column isn't catching fire.

And it's just really a bad time right now for me to have a baby.

Oh, well… how 'bout if I carried it for you?

This is the worst thing in the whole world!

Bridget, you shouldn't be eavesdropping!

So your mother may be pregnant...

There it is. 'High School Scandal Dot Com.

'Bridget Hennessy is so five minutes ago.' Oh my God!

Bridget, you don't read this stupid stuff.

Oh my Gosh, and it says, 'Look at her sister? She's so right now.'

It does? Oh my God, this is so...

Wait a minute. Mom, you're pregnant?

Mom, you're pregnant?

Wow, I can't believe this. Kerry's popular.

♪ 8 SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER ♪

Mom's pregnant?

I'm too young to be a grand sister!

Wow. I must be like super smart.

Hello! Kids, your mother and I need to discuss.

Our mother and you have done enough, thank you very much, mister.

Family meeting!

You can't call… wait a minute!

How come each time I call a family meeting... fine, go ahead.

Alright, this meeting is in order.

Have you no self control, father? Can't you keep it zipped?

Hey!

Yeah, I can't believe you two are having unprotected sex.

- Unprotected sex. - Hey!

I mean, how would you like it if I came home and said I was pregnant?

Honey, it's a little bit different, and let me tell you why…

- Tell you why. - Stop it.

Paul, you had to get him a guitar?

You want the monkey back.

I can't believe my mother may be pregnant.

I mean, I'm seventeen. When the baby's my age, I'll be.

Dancing around a pole?

Unpopular and a pregnant mother!

My life is so totally over.

- Donny? - Hang up. Hang up.

Donny, I have to go. My dad got my mom in trouble.

No. You hang up first.

No, you! You.

Okay, we'll count to three and hang up together.

One... two... three... No, you hang up first.

Give me that! That's it, give me the phone.

Donny, goodbye. No, you hang up first. No.

Can we focus please?

Now, your mother is not necessarily pregnant.

Paul, and I'm not necessarily not pregnant.

You know, when you're pregnant your breasts get bigger.

Kyle, what are you doing here? I came by to see Kerry.

First Bridget... now Kerry.

Kyle, what are your intentions with my daughters?

I can't tell you that. You're the father.

Okay, okay! Not by the belt loops. I'm going commando.

Fred. Mary Ellen. Ahoy, me bucko!

We just wanted to bring a bundt cake over, now that…

well, what with Donny and Bridget going steady we're practically.

People who live across the street.

Mrs. Hennessy's pregnant. Might be. I might be.

What? A Hennessy 'bundt' in the oven?

I swear, it's like living with Dick Cavett.

Oh, some guys have all the luck. Oh dear! Oh dear!

Cake's on the porch! Thank you. Look, may I say something?

You might try saying 'no' once in a blue moon, missy.

Alright, look… I am gonna get a definitive test at the hospital tomorrow.

Kerry, are those my earrings?

What are you talking about? They are my earrings!

Okay, first you steal my popularity and then my earrings!

You forgot about your boyfriend.

Chick fight! Chick fight, chick fight, chick fight.

And you want to add to this brood? Me?

That's enough. Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up on the couch.

And you stop it! Stop it! You broke my earrings!

Stop fighting or I'm going to turn this car right around!

Paul, we're in the living room. It's a saying. It's a saying in a car.

Hemingway said it all the time. No, he didn't.

I thought we agreed not to make me look stupid in front of the kids?

This is a madhouse. I'm supposed to bring a baby into this madhouse?

Good morning.

I said, 'Good morning.' What's wrong? What's wrong?

I say, 'I may be pregnant.' and you say, 'How could this happen?'

But I just lost my baby weight from the last one.

Honey, I know exactly what happened.

It went a little something like this…

You gotta get a new voice.

What are you doing? I'm surprising Mom with breakfast in bed.

And I made her a card... And I made her a card.

You are such a girl. Our little sister Rory.

Hey, she seemed pretty ticked off last night. I'm just saving my butt.

No! Hey! Hey! No!

Surprise!

Bridget would you please pass the milk. You don't deserve milk.

You could've knocked! It's seven in the morning!

I thought you couldn't do anything until you had your first cup of coffee?

Yeah. I mean, there's already one baby.

What were you trying to do, make twins?

Yeah… that's how it happens.

Alright, you guys, knock it off.

Now look, I am sorry that you walked in on us.

But you are just gonna have to accept the fact

that your father and I are sexual beings!

Come on, kids… knock it off.

Don't you see your mother's going through a pregnancy scare?

Oh, so now it's a scare? Which apparently I'm going through alone.

Now, you guys are amazing. You are totally self centered. Unbelievable.

Good bye!

Looks like we won't be walking in on you two any time soon.

Bridget.

Hey, Bridget.

It's, um… it's not what it looks like.

There's just a lot of societal pressure on me to be all over your sister.

Well, I don't have any time to convo,

I have to call my older boyfriend who's in college.

Hi, is Midshipman Donny Doyle there? Donny!

Hey, Bridget.

Donny, you miss me, don't you?

Of course I do. I can't get my mind off you.

In fact, I was thinking about you so much during chess club,

I opened up with a Polish Gambit Accepted, when I should've

opened up with a Polish Gambit Denied. I mean… 'Duh.'

Chess club? Donny, you're cool at Naval college, aren't you?

Are you kidding? I'm way cool.

Hey! Doyle's got a girlfriend!

Shut up! You got a girlfriend! Bridget, I gotta go.

The new kid.

- The new kid. - The new kid.

Pudding.

This pudding sucks.

This pudding sucks!

Hey.

There's something you should know: I have a boyfriend

already, he's in Navy College, and he can do the Polish Gambit.

I was gonna say, 'Pass the salt.'

Pudding. Mmm.

Sometimes… all you need is a little spice.

- That's deep. - No.

No, it's wide. If I went deep, you couldn't find me.

What does that mean?

I don't know.

- I'm Bridget. - Damian.

There's something you should know, I'm kind of an outcast right now.

I'm thinking about buying a motorcycle.

Hennessy!

Just the man I wanna see. How would you like to turn...

Tommy, I'm having a bad day. Poor me. You're having a bad day.

I'm on sexual harassment probation thanks to what's her name…

'Boobs' in reception.

Listen… how would you like to turn five hundred bucks

into three thousand dollars by Monday morning?

Tom. - It's guaranteed. Tommy, no.

What's wrong, pal? Oh, hey, Paul. Fred?

Hey, the receptionist with the big front porch sent me up.

Hey, you look like a smart fella. How'd you like to turn

Tommy! Okay. Sit down, Fred. Oh, thank you.

Is there any special reason you're dropping by?

Well, I kinda read between the lines last night,

when you slammed the door in our faces.

I'm so sorry, Fred, I... No problem.

Yeah, I kinda sensed your stress,

well what with you and Cate and your impending fatherhood potentiality.

Well, nothing's, nothing's for sure.

Yeah, I know. Well, I picked up on that too.

Fred, I don't really need... You see, me and Mary Ellen,

well, we can't have kids of our own.

I had no idea. All your kids are adopted?

Yeah. Yeah. We…

…we think Donny's a Kennedy.

I just came down to tell you that I think you're a good father.

Yeah, I've seen you.

And besides, you're not in this alone, you know.

You and, you and Cate are in it together.

Two peas in a pod, as it were. Listen, I better shove off, boy and oh,

yeah… if you're finished with the cake, Mary Ellen would like her pan back.

Oh my God, Cate and I are in this together

and I've only been thinking about myself.

My career, my stupid book, my finances.

I feel as if I've let her down and that's not what a husband does.

Don't be so hard on yourself, Paul.

You and I are terrific husbands. Hey, wanna get drunk?

Come on, you and me and Carla. Who?

'Jugs' in reception. But you gotta ask her.

Okay, stop it! What are you laughing at “Mr. Mom Still Cuts My Hair?”

And you, “Nose Job Over The Summer.”

And don't even get me started, “Girl Who Farted During.

Crunches In Gym Class.” Get out of here, good bye!

I'm so embarrassed.

I'm never gonna get the hang of these heels... or popularity.

Oh, come on… stop it. Here, just take my shoes.

They're too big. Thanks. Just take 'em, seriously.

Shuffling is sexier than falling.

Bridge, why are you being nice to me?

I don't know. 'Cause you're my sister and…

… you're the only sister I'll ever have.

God, how many times has Mom said that to us?

Mom.

Well, Mom's gonna need a new catchphrase. We may have a baby sister.

Yeah, maybe you guys can share shoes.

This is really big for her.

I know. And all we've been doing is thinking about ourselves.

We were really mean. God, how could we be so selfish?

I blame Mom.

Mom.

Yoo hoo… Cate.

Mary Ellen... you're here…

… volunteering on my day.

Oh, pish tosh. Now, I know you're a little stressed about this baby thing.

A little? I don't know if I can be a mother again.

I've been so upset with my family I haven't even had

time to think about what I want. I just got my career back.

Paul is not in the best place and… but, you know,

I miss them when they're little. I don't know.

Hey, Cate, the lab called and your pee's on deck.

Oh God.

I never thought that I could handle more than one...

Mary Ellen, I really... And then, before we knew it

we had five when we adopted Mary Maureen.

And I have to tell you I love them all,

and I wanna say to you that somehow it works out.

I didn't know little Mary Maureen was adopted.

Yes. They're all adopted.

Fred. Insanity in the family.

Yeah, you know, I really do...

Cate… what I'm trying to say is, no matter what happens,

it's all going to be okey dokey. Well, I've bothered you enough.

Mary Ellen?

Would you wait with me?

Sure.

Are you finished with my cake pan?

Alright, everybody, family meeting.

On the couch. Right now.

Now, listen to me. Your mother is the most wonderful woman on the planet.

She kills herself for this family. She is the salt of the earth.

Salt.

And all of us

…and all of us have been horrible to her these past twenty four hours.

Yeah, we know, Dad. I know. You're right. Dad.

So, I was thinking… I'm right? You never say I'm right. So anyway

I got her these presents.

Bridge, you're the chocolates.

And you're the Teddy Bear.

You're the pencil with the fuzzy eraser.

What?

Dad, you must have gathered all the change

from under the car seats for this stuff.

Don't worry about it, I'm giving her the big one.

- It's a giraffe. - Don't name it!

A giraffe!

Hi, guys.

Mom. - Mom... - We are so sorry.

Oh, hi… hi, honies.

Mom, we really want you to have this baby.

Yeah, so long as it's not a boy. That's very generous of you, but.

And we'll do everything we can to help. We'll baby sit it.

We'll change it. Change it… hello! French manicure,

I ain't changing it. You gotta… Why do I always have to do everything?

Now, girls - I'm not changing. Girls. Mom.

I felt bad about this morning, so I wrote you a song.

Unplanned baby.

Welcome to the family.

Rory, Rory. Honey, that's so sweet. Thank you.

Thanks to all my kids.

I bought all the presents, the kids didn't even chip in.

I'm kidding, Cate. Come here.

Come here. I just want you to know…

that I love you and I am so sorry for the way I was behaving and…

I want you to know that I really, really want this child.

And look at this. I even got the baby's first gift.

That's so nice. Thank you.

Thanks everybody.

But, I'm not pregnant.

- No? - No?

- No? - No...

Shut up. Why are you hitting me for?

Take it upstairs! Kids! Right now, go upstairs.

Right now! Take it upstairs!

Nice giraffe.

Yeah, you know, giraffes are gender neutral.

So it doesn't matter if it's a boy or a girl.

So... not pregnant?

- Nope. - How do you feel?

I don't know.

You little twerp, you like totally scuffed my shoes!

Tell you why! Yeah, but you broke mine, you big foot!

- Let go of me! - Get off of me!

- Stop it. - So, not pregnant!

I gave my love a cherry,

that had no stone.

I gave my love a chicken, that had no...

Sorry.