Original subtitles

Paolo, are you here?

Oh, Paolo, of course I love you.

CONFESSIONS TO MARIKLA

HOW OFTEN DO YOU MAKE LOVE?

Dear Marikla,

I'm writing to you because I need your advice.

I'm 24 years old and have been married for five years.

I've been told that I'm pretty and nice.

I have a good job and a wonderful husband.

I know I married a bit young, but it's worked out well.

Lots of passion to start out with,

and lots of understanding to keep it together.

Except that for a while now,

I've been feeling strange, it's hard to explain.

I want to live more fully, more intensely.

But my days are so uneventful,

so humdrum.

I tell myself it must be the season

that's making me have these strange cravings

but the fact is, they've become even stronger lately.

Especially since that night my sister Nadia

took us to a party in honor of a Venetian poetess.

"I'd like to fuck you and not touch you

and loose-tongued, make a chant resound

among the uncertain hairs of your ass.

I'd like to stuff dancing cunts in your mouth.

I'd like to cover you with sticky breasts and perfumed sweat

and down between your balls

suck your cock into my heartache.

I'd like...

Between lusty corn-holings and a sob.

Lick your knees, and upwards to your heart.

And find some rest, so I won't come anymore."

How moving!

Eccentric!

- Modern! - Brava!

Like the best of Veronica Franco and Patricia Valduga,

an exploration of feminine sensuality.

Congratulations, your book will be a smash.

I'm Nadia Valentini, I run a fitness gym.

Come by and visit when you can.

I'd love to be able to write like you...

Really... I've never seen a love line so long or so hard!

Want to dance?

Why, certainly.

Everyone crashes parties in Rome,

no one needs an invitation.

I wasn't invited either.

I accompanied the poetess.

In Venice, we are neighbors.

There's no place like Venice, is there?

Ah, oui. A famous French poet once described it as,

"Venise, le sexe femelle d'Europe.”

Are you a sailor, with those tattoos?

Oh, I travel around...

I pick up old things.

Why don't you go pick up those two old witches and throw them out.

Are you interested in that guy?

Well, he's my husband.

Come on, husbands don't count.

Maybe not for you, but mine counts a lot for me.

"I'd like to fuck you and not touch you

and loose-tongued, make a chant resound

among the uncertain hairs of your ass..."

I'll bet you're all wet.

Excuse me, my head is spinning.

Don't bother with museums, you fools.

Art is among us, we are art.

Here are two perfect examples of the Baroque.

Their prominent masses flatten out as they come down,

Borromini brought to life.

Turn them around and you have two asses in pure rococo style.

But...

Don't be afraid.

I'm not afraid, but I don't know your name.

Ah, tres juste, Alphonse Donatien...

pirate of love.

I was right about you, you are wet, aren't you?

What are you doing?

I'm doing everything I promised to do.

Diana, are you in there?

Yes, Paolo, just a minute.

I hadn't seen you for a while. Anything wrong?

No, I just had to pee. Do you want to leave?

Yes, I'm bored silly. This party's shit.

Whatever you like. Let's go!

You're all wet.

And it's not pee.

What gives? You're hot so soon?

If you touch me there, of course I get wet.

You know how sensitive I am.

Do it some more.

Was it that guy or me who excited you?

- What guy? - The guy you danced with, that's who.

Oh, he's French and has a home in Venice.

He came on like a hurricane.

Paolo, you're driving me crazy.

A little mature, wasn't he?

Mature isn't the word.

You should have called me.

You seem to assume that I fought it.

I even found him in the bathroom.

- Is that true? - You didn't notice?

He was right behind the door.

Oh, you're kidding. Just another of your silly stories.

- He had me naked in no time-- - Stop that!

He wanted to give it to me in the ass. If you hadn't shown up--

You're inventing everything! I'm no idiot!

He thought my ass was beautiful.

Did you touch his thing?

Was it as hard as this?

You like my ass, Paolo, don't you?

How many times do I have to tell you, it's the most beam--

You can't give an opinion unless you look at it.

Tell me I have a beautiful ass!

It's beautiful...

Oh, God!

- Let's go home! - No, let's do it here.

Hurry UP!

Tell me that you made it all up.

Tell me.

Be quiet.

And they call us whores.

I Know.

Bonjour.

Rise and shine, lazybones.

I'll teach you some good manners.

No, you're hurting me! Stop it!

What are you doing?

I'm raping you! I'm raping you!

It's 8:00! You'll have to rape me later.

Hey, hey, let go of me!

If my mother could see the chaos you make me live in.

Who? The wicked witch?

I beg your pardon?

Don't talk about her like that.

Okay, "Mr. Grumpy," okay.

What is it? It's just the Water Music of Mozart.

That's complete amorality!

And you, pig!

That son of a bitch went right up the middle!

Are you kidding? That shithead's nowhere!

- The boy's got great hands! - You know what Taylor would do?

- That turkey? - He is a great clutch player.

Is that what you call a center?

He's the greatest player in the league right now.

I don't have time for assholes like you.

Your team needs a crooked official to win!

Have you ever seen a game?

- Listen, you prick-- - Who are you calling--

- Let go of me, goddamn it! - Jesus Christ, a fag!

You're lucky this is my stop coming up!

- Why? Would you have kissed me? - Let me out of here!

- Please, take my seat. - Thanks, but my stop is coming up.

- Excuse me. - Listen...

you've got some things a little confused.

I can see it's hard on you, it might just ruin your calling.

Miss...

Take my advice, confess everything.

Can I call you?

- Do you have my number? - No.

Then you're out of luck.

Bye!

Hi, Lello.

Why are you crying?

He left me! He went back to his wife!

The battle-axe is ill and he feels guilty.

He says it's our fault.

- Is that true? - How would I know?

Perhaps it is... with all the men in the world to pick on,

why pick on my guy?

Lello, put on your best drag tonight,

and you'll find a guy 10,000 times better!

- You think so? - I guarantee it!

Antonietta, what about your diet?

Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.

I have a fabulous surprise for you.

It gives me some ideas for a memorable night with Pierre.

Oh really...

The "Atom bum." Try it.

You're dying to take it home. Tell the truth.

Sweetie, I bought some yesterday, but much better than this.

When do we get to see your collection?

Hey, girls, hard at work?

Antonietta, some new items have arrived.

Would you mind modeling a few in the back?

Sure, Mr. Silvio, I'll be right there.

Come along, my dear.

Some girls have all the luck!

Girls, take a break.

Let me see your tit.

Let me see all of you.

Bend this leg a little.

Pull your panties up tight between the cheeks.

Just my size.

This morning, I woke up with a third leg

like a telephone pole, and I thought of you.

I'm so flattered, Mr. Silvio.

Good morning. Hello, Diana.

Good morning, Mrs. Tommasina.

Are you mourning?

Yes. Unfortunately, I lost my little Carl.

Oh, I'm sorry. Was it somebody close?

Very close. We were together for 14 years.

- He was a wonderful dog. - I see.

And the senator, how is he?

He's in Strasbourg fighting world hunger.

Did you prepare the items I asked for?

But of course.

I can't wait to fill up my closet.

- Let's try these. - But you tried these last week.

I know. I stick with what works.

Unfortunately, they wound up in shreds.

That engineer has tastes of his own.

Engineer? Is he your greatest conquest?

No, but the most generous. Cartier.

- Congratulations. - What can one do?

At least I'm not bored in the afternoon.

I've found a little group of friends.

I was introduced by Alicia, a client of yours.

Mrs. Farconi?

Yes, the one they call "Mrs. Porconi."

Lawyers, doctors, undersecretaries... You'd make a lot of money!

If you're interested, I'll talk to her about it.

No way, Mrs. Tommasina, I don't think I could really--

Sell your ass? I don't think of it as prostitution.

I only do it part-time to pass time.

Lots of ladies do it. Anyway, whores never attend.

Men have great imaginations.

I learn something kinky on almost every date.

You have no interest in new things?

My husband has a great imagination.

Mine doesn't.

How inventive can an envoy to the European Parliament be?

But it's so romantic to meet someone you don't know

in some hotel or in an apartment.

Your heart races. It's an adventure.

It's the unknown. It's marvelous.

Plus, the thrill of giving yourself up for sale,

the shame, the sin!

If I were you, I'd give it a try.

Thank you, but I'll have to pass on your--

I know an American bishop who would simply adore you.

Priests have never been my ideal...

They're the best customers.

I'll take 10 pairs.

Oh, great!

Mrs. Tommasina's really nice.

She's the best, and a success in what she does.

In a way, it's something like what I do,

back there getting perked.

And for my precious favors, I get a pay increase in return.

My husband can't complain, neither can I.

- Do you mean that? - It's crazy, huh?

You don't feel guilty?

What for? I'm not in love with the old geezer.

But, you're still betraying your husband...

Why do you think that? It's not betrayal.

Come on, don't play dumb!

It's two different things.

With Pierre, it's special, intense, love.

With the others, a poke is a picnic.

See you soon, Diana.

If you change your mind, call me.

I'll keep it in mind.

I don't know how you can bring yourself to do things with the boss.

For starters, he's ugly as sin.

I don't give a damn. I have my handsome Mister Pierre.

There's something about the ugly ones,

they're more generous than the handsome ones.

Fact is, they need for us to pardon their homeliness.

- I guess. - Some people call it wicked.

It's big fun, though! When I do it with the boss,

I feel like I'm screwing my own dad. So big deal!

Happy banging, I say!

- What if you get knocked up? - There's no danger.

It's simple, use the most natural method,

just take it there!

Diana! Oh, my God! Are you all right?

Huh? I'm okay. It's nothing.

Diana, would you mind coming to the workroom?

There's someone here to see you.

Oh... yes, yes. I'll be right there.

- Nadia, what are you doing here? - Delicately!

- Aunt Emma kicked the bucket. - Oh, Mother of God!

Good thing I told her to use a little tact.

I can't leave the gym. You'll have to go to the funeral.

You always were her favorite.

But, I don't know... I'm afraid--

- my job, Paolo-- - No problem, Diana.

None whatsoever! You'll go to Venice for the funeral.

And don't worry about Paolo.

I promise [I'll take care of him.

I'm sorry, Diana.

I wish I could go with you, but I'm up to my neck in work.

Don't worry, I can go alone.

I'm worried about your fidelity. You know how sexy funerals are!

Paolo, that's crazy!

It's a proven historical fact.

The morbid atmosphere creates, by contrast,

a great desire to screw.

I've read that in an article about adultery.

Do you know that statistics show

that over 60% of Italian wives cheat on their husbands?

- What the hell is this? - Antonietta gave it to me!

What kind of people do you hang out with?

People who are not ashamed of what they do,

not stuck up old farts like you! Let's take a look at it.

If you insist.

Come in, please. Is the gentleman with you?

He's my husband.

- Wait here, will you? - Sure.

Oh, that's nice.

Yes, like that.

Down, down. To the right.

Panties too, please.

You're off target!

Sit down here.

Spread them wide open.

So, what do you think?

When you... go to the gynecologist, does he--

That man?

He's at least 70!

What if he were a young and handsome guy?

Well, it depends. I couldn't say.

- Doctor, what are you-- - Just doing my job.

Relax and let me concentrate.

Would it upset you if I did?

I'd be furious as hell!

You'd have no other type of reaction?

I'd be excited.

These things happen at the store all the time.

Our boss is a horny man. He paws me all the time.

Really? Where?

All over-- my tits, my ass.

He was actually grabbing me when he said his condolences.

What a pig! What did you do?

You just stood there, huh? Tell me.

I got carried away. I ended up in the back room.

Yeah? What did he do to you?

He threw me on a table, he opened my legs,

- and he touched my button. - You mean, here?

Yes, like that.

- And then? - And then he turned me around,

and made me bend forward.

Oh, Doctor! What a cock!

Give it to me, all of it!

Yes! Rip my ass apart!

Higher, Paolo.

Higher! Higher!

I can't take it. It's your fault, you pig.

It's your fault, your imagination excites me too much.

Could you both do me a favor?

- It would be a pleasure. - Sure.

I'd be willing to pay a million lire.

To do what?

Take away my virginity...

but up my ass.

Take money from a woman? Never.

I may be the last of the romantics, but a woman's ass? No.

How dare you? Can't you see I'm in mourning?

"Subject to the absolutely binding clause

that he will not be able to construct another building

or add additional floors to the existing ones,

I bequeath to Marco Valentini, son of my brother Luigi Valentini

and thus my legitimate nephew, the property of the Villa di Mira

to which he has a legally clear and free title."

Is she kidding?

I could buy a new one with what it costs to fix that one up.

"I bequeath... to Diana Bruni,

daughter of the late Giovanna Valentini, my sister,

and thus my legitimate niece, the title to my property,

the top floor of the building at 1477 Giodecca,

in its present condition

and with everything inside of it at the moment of my death."

You're so lucky. That's what I wanted.

I was going to make it my vacation flat in Venice.

"Lastly, I bequeath my estate

as well as the cash account in my name

at the Cassa di Risparmio in Venice

to the convent of the Carmelite nuns in Vittorio Veneto,

- who I supported fervently all my life. - God bless her.

Please.

What an ass, Monsignor.

You look great.

- Rome's treating you well. - Thanks.

I'm going to go see the penthouse. Want to come?

We can't, Marco. We have guests for dinner.

Don't worry, Nora. You go back to Padova,

I'll go with Diana, and I'll be home in time for dinner.

Once again.

Father, sign at the bottom. "The last shall be the first."

- I'm glad you came with me. - Strange lady, Aunt Emma.

- She liked us a lot. - Actually, of all the relatives,

I'm the one who spent the least time with her.

- But you knew about her? - Sure.

At least the things the family said.

Discreet, organized, intelligent...

- and above all, skillful! - Skillful? In what way?

In bed. Two, three lovers-- sometimes four.

The right men, though-- family men, full of cash and potential.

They helped her make her money grow.

She learned her lesson well, for herself and for us,

as we heard in her will.

- What about Uncle Harry? - A mystery.

Did he know about her infidelities?

Did he like it or was it killing him?

I still think he was never interested in women.

But one thing's for sure, Emma was gaga over him.

If he were still alive, we wouldn't have inherited a thing.

Don't worry, no one will take your penthouse away from you.

It's yours. You can do whatever you want with it.

Who knows, I may run into you in Venice.

Sure, you will.

- How's it going with you and Nora? - What about you and Paolo?

- Stupendous! - Does he know about us?

- Does he know what? - That I had you before him.

That we had a wild imagination in bed.

Really?

I have some news for you!

Come on, Marco. I want to go to the top of the dog an a.

- Remember? - How could I forget?

You're addictive. I always need more and more.

- I used to call you "Erector Set." - You called me your erector set.

It still smells of urine from all the tourists-- even ladies pee here.

Spread your legs. I can't do it like this.

You used to be more skillful.

You've just forgotten how to do it standing up.

- For heaven's sake. -Yes... I know.

What, are you going to leave me high and dry?

Let's go to my house. It's more comfortable there.

- You mean Aunt Emma's penthouse? - That house is mine!

I've decided I'm not leaving until tomorrow.

I'd like to spend my first night in my house!

But I have to get back. I have guests coming for dinner.

Besides, I told Paolo I'd get back tonight.

No, Diana, I can't do it.

Don't fret, we'll do it some other time.

I'll make good use of my house in Venice!

That's the ferry going to the station.

If you run, you can make it!

Diana, swear you'll let me see the new house.

I swear! But you'd better hurry!

Hurry!

Bye!

Bye!

Oh, my God!

Who would have thought?

What a find.

This penthouse must have cost you a lot of blow jobs!

Auntie, you're sensational!

I love you even more now!

I promised Paolo I'd call. I wonder if the phone works.

"Donatien... Alphonse."

Hello?

Hi, may I speak with Alphonse Donatien, please?

It's me.

Good evening. This is Diana Bruni. Remember me?

We met in Rome, at the poetess' party.

Yes, you're the lovely lady I chatted with.

I'm in Venice. I inherited a small apartment I'd like to redecorate.

- Is that why you thought of me? - Partly... after all, you said--

I'm delighted! Why don't you come over?

- Come where? - To my place. Palazzo Lorenzoni.

It's right next to the Imbarcadero of Ca Rezzonico.

I know Venice. I know where it is.

- Then hurry. - I'll see you in a bit.

Ooh, that's cold!

- Good evening. - Good evening.

Have we met before?

"Flesh lies languid

in the mouth and in the full vacancy

but the swollen behind rejoices in the lacerated flesh."

This is more than strange.

Go. Alphonse is waiting for you.

STREET OF THE FUCKABLES

Bonsoir.

You found the place rather quickly.

You were with the poetess?

We were working.

This late?

Isn't that why you came?

Ever since that night, it's been like this...

- "The House of Wonders"? - The best is yet to come.

- Let's go upstairs... - To paradise?

To the inferno... my inferno.

- Any time. - Show me the way there.

You go first. I want to admire your ass.

Is this all right... or do you want to see more?

Come on. Come get me!

My God.

It must have taken some time to collect all of these.

I started early... with that one.

It's my wife.

- Very expressive face! - Oh, oui.

From her, I learned that the physiognomy of a person

lies in the behind. Ici.

This is a portrait gallery.

You can see the timid ass, the brave one,

the stupid one, the clever one, the intelligent ass,

the lazy one, the happy one, the carefree one...

People are the reflection of their asses!

- So, what am I? - Voyons.

Headstrong, willful, disobedient...

encore un peu uptight... closed and introverted.

Is it hopeless?

Not if you can play by the rules.

What rules?

You must obey orders and do whatever I want.

But if you scream, I'll have to stop.

Whatever you want.

Oui. Get on your hands and knees.

Why?

Because the game has started, and you know it!

Feel it--

the strength... the pride...

- Will it hurt? - Scream, and I'll stop.

It's up to you.

- I'm so scared! - Do as I say.

It will happen naturally.

Breathe deeply as if you were in childbirth.

Breathe with me!

Good... good.

- You screamed. - No, I broke the canvas.

Don't you worry--

C'est pas grave. I'll have it restored.

L'enculeur sauvage!

Happy banging, I say!

A FRIAR ONCE TOLD ME

ONE OF HIS BIGGEST PLEASURES WAS TO MAKE A WOMAN BELIEVE

THAT HER ASS WAS NOT MADE FOR SHITTING

NO, HER ASS WAS SO DIVINE AND PRECIOUS

AND COULD MAKE MEN HAPPY AND THUS AVOID ADULTERY

Incredible!

That fur is still in the closet.

I found some snapshots too.

- Dear Aunt Emma. - Who would have guessed?

The apartment's still the same. Nothing's changed.

- It's mind-boggling. - You can see all of Venice!

For a young couple in love, the place is Paradise!

Perfect for a young couple in love.

- Rent it out. - Why? I was going to keep it for us.

We're a young couple in love, aren't we?

You've shaved.

I just narrowed the margins a little.

I have to be a demure virtuous lady. I'm an heiress, after all.

- You're a scoundrel! - And you're an ape!

Aunt Emma got you excited, huh?

I should be jealous.

No, I should be jealous! Tell me the truth--

your cousin came to see the apartment, didn't he?

Of course he came over.

Marco wouldn't pass up an opportunity.

Did he make a pass at you?

He talked about how we used to go out together.

Tell me...

We'd go up to the top of the dog an a,

he'd touch my little flower under my skirt...

- and I'd put my hand on him. - Show me how.

Careful! That's delicate stuff!

He'd push my head down...

because he wanted me to take him into my mouth.

- What did you do? - I'd put up a struggle...

but always a brief one.

Did you do it again yesterday in your apartment?

I love your fantasies.

Really?

You and Marco didn't do anything.

I decided to take advantage of good old Alphonse instead.

Who is he?

A Frenchman I danced with at the party.

That's how you christened the apartment?

No, we were at his place.

Beautiful decor.

Give me the details. Come on!

He was crazy for my ass. He had to have it at all costs!

I couldn't say no, even if I had wanted to.

He spread my legs and started licking the crease.

It wasn't so painful. I could become accustomed...

- And did you...? - Like an express train!

What's the matter? Why stop?

- Who gave you that hickey? - What?

- That hickey on your neck! - What are you saying?

I thought you were making up one of your little stories.

Let me explain, listen to me.

This isn't a fantasy this time.

- That bastard fucked you! - No, Paolo, I swear.

He didn't fuck me. I took it up the ass.

Paolo, don't pout.

- Let's talk it over. - Leave me alone!

You've always laughed at my affairs.

You told me they made you horny.

Because they weren't true!

It doesn't matter. I'm yours alone.

Is it so bad that I do it with someone else?

I mean, it's only... happy banging.

I want no part of your "happy banging"!

It seems like the end of the world to you right now.

But you'll see... tomorrow--

Don't come near me. We're history.

There won't be a tomorrow for us!

I won't share my marriage bed with you,

you slut!

I shouldn't be surprised. The bloodline doesn't lie.

- Are you okay? - Paolo and I had a big fight.

- Irreparable? - He wants a separation.

Really? For another woman?

Not a woman... a man.

- Paolo?! - No, me.

- There was this guy in Venice. - Is that all? You had me worried.

Ladies, that's all for today! I'm all ears.

Why did you have to tell him about it?

We were only joking around. It was only a "zipless fuck."

Are you a slut or just dumb?

Men are stupid pigs!

The rule is to deny everything, even when faced with the evidence.

They preach equality of the sexes, but no one practices it!

- They're worms. - I don't want it to end like this.

I was alone in bed last night and couldn't sleep.

The best thing is to get another man. Who does he think he is?

No woman can be satisfied completely, not by one man.

Each man tastes different,

and a girl needs to do plenty of tasting.

You can talk, but you still got kicked out by your husband.

Oh, please! Somebody's ass is sore, but it's his!

No, really. With Paolo it's different.

I love him, I don't want to lose him.

- You've got to help me. - How?

Talk to him. Show him he's wrong. Put some sense in him.

That's brilliant!

He's got to realize that other men don't matter.

- What if he won't listen? - He trusts you.

He thinks highly of you. Please, Nadia.

No holds barred?

What do you mean?

Look, a gray hair! My cooch is turning gray!

All right, no holds barred.

Then I'll drop by on my lunch break.

Thank you, Nadia! I knew I could count on you.

Do you mind if I take a shower?

I was in such a hurry this morning, I didn't use the bidet.

That should never happen.

You can put off washing your face, but before you go out,

always use the bidet. You just never know.

Yes?

Ah, it's you. Yes, sure.

Hi. I'm glad you came.

I could use your advice.

That's true...

- piece of shit! - Me? Why?

There's a terrific girl you're treating like shit.

You don't know what she did to me!

I certainly do. I don't know if it's such a tragedy.

Should I have given her an award?

You didn't have to do anything. She's wonderful.

She's classy and generous. She worships you.

Why would you stifle her spirit?

Wives are supposed to make love with their husbands only.

Love, love...

we're talking about a little affair of no consequence.

Do you believe marriage is the whole universe and you represent all men?

This is not your morn and dad's generation. Look!

Would you like Diana to be like her?

Of course not. But I'm the one who's hurt.

- What can I do, I'm jealous! - The truth comes out.

The real problem is you're jealous,

absurd and useless... It's nonsense.

I'd understand your misery if she were tired of you.

But no. She just wants a little freedom, sex wise.

The same you've been enjoying.

That's what's horrible! The thought that she laughs with someone else...

that she uses the same words with them as she does with me.

That she comes! That's more than I can stand.

I can't help it. It's killing me! It's eating me up!

A few minutes ago, I was asleep and dreaming

that I was with Diana. It was a nightmare.

You don't understand. I'm going nuts.

I understand.

I'll prove it if you like.

I'm very moved. Can you see how I feel for you?

If you only knew how often I've wanted to feel your hands on me.

Lie down.

Good.

I'm glad to see I don't turn you off.

Don't worry. I mean it.

No need for jealousy.

Diana doesn't mind.

- She gave me permission. - Diana?!

No, no, no! What is this?

- I want Diana, not you! - Bullshit!

Your cock is calling you a liar! Poor Diana.

She thought her husband was different.

You're all alike!

Holding on to old-fashioned ideas--

Honor, virtue, betrayal!

But a girl who's liberated is a slut, right?

Try to understand, Nadia. I can't. I won't.

And if I did it, I'd be proving Diana right.

She is right, imbecile! She's right indeed!

There's no use fighting. You stupid bastard!

I think the trouble is...

- you're a fag! - Your panties!

I've met a lot of assholes.

- But men take the cake. - Here's to all husbands

and to ours too!

Chin up, little sister! We'll have a good time.

Shorten that long face!

Look at that! He's to die for.

Not bad.

- Hey, stud! Come here! - Who, me?

- We need some information. - What?

How big is it?

What? Come back here!

If I catch you...

Holy mother of God! What a piece of ass!

It's a transvestite.

Hey, sweetheart, you carry a dong or not?

- You're goddamn right! - Show it!

What do you do with it? It's mighty fine!

- I can stick it in your ass. - Or I can stick this in yours!

- Cool with me. 50,000. - Fuck you!

- No, fuck you! - I said it first,

you ugly, pimping, bull-dyke bitch!

Fucking bitches!

Where do we go when we want to live it up?

- To a disco! - We can do better!

- We'll go where anything can happen! - Even the worst?

If you're lucky!

Hey, wait a minute.

Girls!

I'd like something strong.

Try a "Delirium." It'll make a corpse dance.

That's for me.

- What's that? - Ecstasy.

Excuse me, I need information.

- How big is it? - Why do you ask?

You two have already met.

The seminarian!

I had a white collar, on a street car!

- Oh, yeah. Why are you here? - I'm doing research.

How can I do a thesis on sin without knowing what it is?

"Viens avec moil.”

Oh, God! I'm going to scream!

I'd never known a tongue with a hard-on!

- Is something wrong? - No.

Everything's fine.

How's it going?

I'm minus underpants!

Give me another drink.

Hello? What's the news?

Shit, no!

I don't give a shit about my guarantee.

Give me the fucking money or it's your ass.

Hello?

It's Diana!

It's a great party!

It's 4:00 a.m. and you're drunk! Come back home!

- Who's with you? - Men! Many men!

A bunch of fabulous men!

Say hi to Paolo, guys!

Hi, Paolo!

Are you jealous?

Stop that! I forbid you!

- I'm your husband! - No!

You're a stupid asshole!

And I'm liberated! I can screw the whole planet!

And not only that, I might not come home!

Who gives a shit? You won't find me there anyway!

I'm getting out of here! I've had it!

I'll move back to my parents' house!

Fine! Fine!

I can't believe I sucked your cock, you shitface!

Hurry home to your little mama

and screw her!

Hey, you need some help?

- Are you leaving? - Yes, he'll give me a ride.

It's almost dawn. And I'm worried.

Paolo's threatening to move out.

He never will! He loves you.

- I'm leaving. - Fine. I'll stay a little more.

I found a hero of the Resistance.

"Think of what you're doing. Think of us.

I love you. Paolo.

But do you love me?"

"Dear Marikla, not only do I love him,

but in my own way, I feel like I'm a faithful wife.

Going with other men doesn't mean I'm betraying him.

Those are just casual flings of no importance at all.

They're great for a quick thrill,

but they have nothing to do with the meeting of body and soul

that makes my relationship with Paolo beautiful and unique.

That's why I have no feelings of guilt,

contrition or remorse.

That's why I don't want the love we share to end like this.

But how do I go about making him understand that?

Diana."

COLUMN: CONFESS ALL TO MARIKLA

"Feeling..." Milan.

Want some? I just caught them.

- No, I hate them. - You feel bad, huh?

Imagine, you could be between Diana's legs right now,

instead of eating your heart out. What do you get out of it?

- Nothing. - Bullshit!

- I've got a hard-on! - Goddamn traitor!

No way. He's smarter than you.

And he's got his priorities right.

He knows she gives everything with love.

He feels that you're acting like an asshole,

because you should approve of her.

You know what that means? He's a prick!

Good rationale.

What good is it to destroy yourself with jealousy?

Develop a sense of irony and...

laugh about it, with Diana.

- Hi there! - Did you find some clams yet?

Yes? Hello?

Hello?

- Go fuck yourself. - Who was that?

One of my anonymous admirers.

It's the second time today.

He'll come back. Husbands always do, unfortunately.

Hello? Hello?

Who's there?

Paolo? Is that you?

Why don't you say anything?

You're still hoping! Why is he so special?

Nothing. I just love him.

And I don't understand why he can't understand me.

It's his fault if he doesn't understand

that faithfulness isn't natural.

Yeah. But he's gone now.

Oh no! There he is!

- Who? Paolo? - Not Paolo!

It's that Commodore Scarfatti with the latest piece--

huh, niece! That man's so butch!

- He's all yours! - Fine! I'll take the commission.

Hello, Commodore!

Hello, Antonietta.

This is a long-lost niece.

Another one?

You have so many pretty nieces.

Ah, well...

We want to see your best items.

Something light, flimsy, see-through...

- You know what I mean? - I certainly do.

Let's see what we can find.

What color do you like?

White? Red? Black?

- Miss, what do you like? - What do you think, Uncle?

I must ask Antonietta what she thinks.

I always say there's nothing like black.

When a person has a light complexion like your niece,

the effect is sensational.

Unless, of course, she's tanned... here!

Oh no, not here, never!

Uncle, come here.

Give me your advice on this.

I'm coming.

Let's see. It's a little loose.

Do you think? Could you show us?

Of course, Commodore, as you wish.

Do you see what I mean?

It's a shame to take advantage of such a young lady!

Sorry to disappoint you.

- Uncle... - All right. Panties.

That little lady's older than time. She knows just what she wants.

Down, down. That's right.

"And now the dénouement." A fast fuck, if he can.

He'll manage. And not just one.

It's just evil! Certain perversions are intolerable!

It's all in how you look at it.

If you could, I'd tell you to find more customers like him.

I could retire.

I'd do that guy and his niece--

I know, I know! All night long!

Do you think the Commodore is in love?

Love? He doesn't begin to understand the meaning of the word!

All you know about is sex!

Diana, my dear, is something wrong?

I'm going through a tough time.

- A big fight with Paolo. - Oh, poor little thing.

The clients can't see you like that.

Come with me.

So, what is it? Tell me everything.

There's not much to tell, Mr. Silvio.

Paolo left me!

Poor child, have a good cry.

You'll feel better.

It's awful. I only slept with a couple of other guys.

I'm sorry I did it. I didn't mean to hurt him.

Of course, my dear. I understand.

You didn't do anything wrong.

What are you doing, Mr. Silvio?

Nothing. Nothing.

It'll make it all better.

It's him! It's the sound of his horn!

Diana, where are you going?

I told you. A husband is like a bad penny.

MR. SILVIO IS A PIG

How's your family?

Alive. I never went to their house.

Yeah? I'm surprised.

- I've got something to say. - To me? I'm listening.

First, I won't get over what happened.

- What, something happened? - I'm serious, Diana!

- I'm serious. - Me, too.

I couldn't leave you. I was going nuts!

Oh, Paolo! I love you so!

This is what I've decided: live with your own rules.

Bang and be happy!

That's what I like!

- Who the hell did that? - No, Paolo!

- You're doing it again! - I just want to know.

Once, I'd have told you it was a boyfriend.

This time I'll say I bumped into a tree.

Tell me the truth, Diana. I've got to know.

The French antique salesman. He's crazy about me.

You can do better than that!

Cousin Marco. We want to run away together.

You like torturing me.

I know you like this.

Right?

You're right. I like the way you are.

I won't ask any more questions.

From now on, this is the only truth there is...

What a great ass.

It creates a fine effect.

You didn't know that ass had been restored, huh?

Really? You can't tell.

It had a long tear right in the middle!

So, did you like your first Venetian night?

- You bet! - "You bet"? That's all?

You came up with something better than that last night.

Six times, too! I expect more gratitude!

All right, all right! And I'll always pay my debts.

No, not now!

You'll ruin my eyeliner!

I have to go. I'm already late.

I'd like to know where you're going, done up like that.

- On a date with Cousin Marco? - I don't know where I'm going.

I just know it's a fabulous day.

Venice inspires me.

And I'll be happy!

Bye!

"Not only do I love him,

but in my own way, I feel that I'm a faithful wife.

Other men are just casual flings.

That's why I feel no guilt, contrition or remorse.

But how can I make him understand? Diana."

"Dear Diana, Hundreds of girls write me

that they betray their husbands but love them.

This "happy banging"

is no longer the prerogative of males only.

It belongs to women too.

The important thing is for him not to react with "jealous banging."

That's why I always tell my readers

to live their marriage as if it were a movie, not a fight.

Instead of torturing yourselves body and soul,

learn to pretend, to act, to play a part.

Obviously, many women who write me know these things,

judging by the letters I'm printing in this issue."”

"Dear Marikla, I work part-time for a widower.

He likes to watch me do the housework stark naked

and I don't mind him touching me, sometimes more.

Am I abnormal?

Venice is an alcove, more than just a city.

A French poet named it "La sexe femelle d'Europe."

Alphonse told you.

I love you.

And me? Do you love me?

I'll settle for loving... this.

What about you? Do you love me?

Can't you tell that I love you?

Careful! That's delicate too!

The problem is, I don't know how much film

is left in Aunt Emma's camera!

Forget the camera. Concentrate on me!

You're right. We should live our marriage as if it were a film,

a precious heirloom for our grandchildren!