All language subtitles for Young Sheldon s04e14 Mitchs Son.enng

[adult Sheldon] I'm very much
a creature of habit.

Perhaps it's a trait
I got from my father.

Every night,
he would go through the mail,

and every night, like clockwork,

he would get very cranky.

Damn bills.

George!

[adult Sheldon] You'd think
he'd get used to it.

But night after night,
it upset him all over again.

Jury duty?

- Son of a...
- George!

[adult Sheldon]
It was complicated.

I didn't like seeing him upset.

But what can you do?
I love consistency.

IRS?

- This can't be good.
- Sure it can.

When is the IRS ever good?

Perhaps they're writing
to congratulate me

on filing such a beautiful tax return.

What's it say?

Okay, not so bad.

We owe $4.22.

- What?
- That could have been worse.

- Tell me about it.
- Let me see that.

I'm gonna wash up for dinner.

You realize they're wrong?
My return was flawless.

It's $4, forget it.

But they're saying I made a mistake.

You also got us a nice refund.

You did a great job.

[adult Sheldon]
I appreciated my mother's love.

But what a boy really craves

is the unconditional approval
of a government agency.

[theme song playing]

Yippee-ki-yay, Mr. Falcon.

Wait, who is Mr. Falcon?

No one.

Then why did he say it?

Well, in the real version,
he said a bad word.

But they had to change it for TV.

TV is so lame.

What did he really say?

That's so much better.

This movie works on a lot of levels.

Dad, I reviewed the tax return,
and I was right.

They're the ones who made the mistake.

What are you doing?

Writing a check to the IRS.

But we don't owe them anything.

They're claiming
that I underreported our income,

but I can prove that they're wrong.

It's not worth picking a fight
with them over a few bucks.

Just let me call them.
I can sort this out.

Just drop it.

We don't want to get on their radar.

But if you send that check,

it's like admitting I made a mistake
when I didn't.

Sheldon, sometimes being right
isn't the most important thing.

I'm glad you feel that way,
because, boy, are you wrong.

We're done talking about this.

[adult Sheldon]
And there he goes. Wrong again.

I'll have the rib eye, medium rare.

And for you?

Uh, just the house salad, please.

Very good.

The house salad?

- You're watching your figure?
- I have a physical tomorrow.

Oh. So your plan
is to start eating healthy now?

Can't hurt.

It ain't going to undo 70 years
of red meat and beer.

Not trying to undo it, I'm just
trying to hide it under some lettuce.

Son of a Mitch.

Melissa Cooper!

What? I said "Mitch."
There's nothing wrong with that.

But you meant another word.

I'm sorry. What other word?

Just watch it.

Hold on. So you're saying if I have
a friend whose dad's name is Mitch,

I'm not allowed to talk about him?

I know what you're doing.

Okay. I just feel bad for my friend.

- That poor son of a Mitch.
- Melissa Cooper!

- How's that salad?
- It sucks.

How's your steak?

You know how they overcook it sometimes
so it's a little bit dry?

- Uh-huh.
- Not this time. It's so good.

You know what else is good?

This radish.

- Would you like some steak?
- Yes.

Then you probably should've
ordered some. It's delicious.

You are not a very nice lady.

[envelope] Psst! Hey, kid.

- Who is it?
- It's me.

The envelope with the IRS check.

What do you want?

[envelope] You can't let him send me.

You didn't make a mistake.

I know that. But it's too late.

It's not.
The check isn't due for 30 days.

So?

Just go in the kitchen
and take me off the pile.

Buy yourself some time
to straighten this out.

But tampering with the mail
is a federal offense.

I'm not mail yet.

I'm not in the mailbox.

That's the law.

What if my dad notices you're missing?

Do it after he leaves for work.

He'll never know.

That's brilliant.

I'm not real, so technically,
you thought of it.

That makes more sense.

[adult Sheldon] The next morning,

I patiently waited
for my father to leave for work.

Are you leaving for work?

- Yeah.
- See ya, bye.

Goodbye.

[adult Sheldon] I leapt into action.
My heart was pounding.

I don't know what kind of
bladder control professional spies have,

but this first-timer
needed to pee, pronto.

Now that I had prevented my dad
from saying I made a mistake...

[phone ringing]

...it was time to get the IRS
to admit theirs.

IRS. Agent Green speaking.

Hello. My name is Sheldon Cooper.

Forgive me for cutting
right to the chase,

but I'm outside,
and my skin is incredibly fair.

Okay. How can I help you?

You sent my family a bill
saying we owe an additional $4.22,

but you're mistaken.
I filed a flawless return.

I'm sorry. How old are you?

That seems irrelevant, but I'm 11.

You're parents let an 11-year-old
file their federal tax return?

This year. Two years ago,
they let a 9-year-old do it.

Look, these tax codes are complicated.

If you only made a $4 mistake,
that's pretty impressive.

I didn't make a mistake at all. You did.

Is that so?

Yes, but don't feel bad.

These tax codes are complicated.

Mmm-hmm.

Okay, I've got your file
right here and...

Looks like you underreported
your income.

Actually, if you check
under "charitable donations,"

you'll notice that the money
we made at the garage sale

did not count as taxable income
because we donated it to the church.

Well, I'll have a look into that.

In the future, you might consider doing
that before you send out the letter.

So how does this work?
Do you apologize now?

Do I get it in writing?

It's no big deal.

It's a colonoscopy.

- So?
- So one of those words means "colon"

and the other means
shoving a camera up it.

Mmm, I'm surprised you need one.

Did you tell him about the salad?

It's not funny.

Stop being such a baby.

Something I have pushed out of my body.
You can do this.

Wait a minute. I got an idea.

Why don't we do it together?

What? No.

Come on, it'll be romantic.

You're weird.

[George] What the hell?

Why are we getting audited?

What? Are you sure
it doesn't say "applauded"?

Perhaps for a job well done?

We're being audited for
the last three years of our tax returns.

I don't get it.
I mailed in that check a week ago.

- About that... I can explain.
- Sheldon?

I just needed some time to prove
there were no errors in my work.

What did you do?

- I took the check before Mom mailed it.
- What?

But I called the IRS
and sorted things out.

Clearly, you didn't.

I told you to let it go.

I'm sorry.

This could end up costing us a fortune.

- I can fix it.
- No!

I'm gonna hire an accountant
and have him handle it right.

- But I want to help.
- You've helped enough.

Go to your room.

Yes, sir.

- Oh!
- [Meemaw laughs]

I feel bad beating you like this
after you bought me drinks.

Okay, I tell you what.

- You want to make it more interesting?
- Sure.

How about this?
If I win, you get a colonoscopy with me.

God, are you still on this?

Come on. Why not?

- Because I don't want to.
- I don't want to, either,

but my doctor said I've got to.

Well, my doctor didn't say nothing.

When's the last time you saw him?

I don't know. It's been a while.

Yeah, well, like six months a while?
Watergate a while?

- Drop it!
- The last time you saw him,

were they using leeches?

I'm about to take this pool cue
and beat your doctor to the punch.

That long, huh?

Look, all I'm saying
is you could use a checkup.

- I feel fine.
- Okay.

At your age,
nothing wrong with going in...

I'm not going to the doctor,
so just mind your own business.

Why didn't you eat with us?

I'm not hungry, and Dad's mad at me.

Mom's not thrilled with me, either.

Why?

Mom made chicken
and I said "Chickens cluck a lot,

so they should be called cluckers.

And some chickens are moms,
so you could call them..."

I don't care.

Mom sure did.

What did you do wrong?

I got Dad in trouble with the IRS.

He has to hire an accountant,
which could cost us a lot of money.

Dang, makes me not want to have kids.

Hello.

Hey. Well, you missed it.

Some old broad went nuts over there
and threw her pool cue on the tables.

It was crazy.

Sorry.

You're not a fan of doctors, huh?

They never have good news.

They just want to find something wrong.

It's kind of their job.

If something's wrong with me,
I don't want to know about it.

- That's dumb.
- No, it's not.

If I'm gonna drop dead, I'd rather
do it quick and leave looking good.

I want to live so long,
I start looking like a mummy.

You're off to a good start.

Hey.

My husband went to the doctor
and they found something.

Two days later, he was in surgery.

Nine months later, he was dead.

Jeez.

I don't want that.

And I don't want to put
anybody else through that.

I'm sorry.

I hope you stick around long enough
to start looking like a mummy, too.

I always pictured myself
more the Bride of Frankenstein type.

Well, you got the hair for it.

So how's it look?

Do I owe a lot of money?
I don't have a lot of money.

Mmm-hmm. I can see that.

Who did these?

Why?

Is it that bad?

They're impeccable.

Actually, it was my son.

Well, why don't
you just use him for the audit?

He's 11.

An 11-year-old did these?

Actually, he might have been
nine at the time.

I'm not good with birthdays.

- Hey.
- Hello.

Playing with your trains?

I'm punishing myself by looking at them
but not allowing myself to run them.

You don't have to punish yourself.

Because you'd rather do it? That's fair.

No.

It's okay. I deserve it.

Actually, I want you to represent us
at the audit.

But I messed everything up.

You did.

But I also know if anyone's smart enough
to get us out of this, you are.

Why'd you change your mind?

No reason.

- What did the accountant say?
- Nothing.

They said my returns were perfect,
didn't they?

Play with your trains.

Why are you reading the Bible?

I felt bad about last night,
so I thought it might be good for me.

Where are you going with this?

Nowhere. I just want to make you happy.

Mmm-hmm.

"And the man increased exceedingly
and had much cattle, and maid servants,

and men servants,
and camels, and asses..."

Okay, stop.

- What? I'm just reading from Genesis?
- Well, cut it out.

Fine. Let's try Exodus.

"And on the seventh day,
thou shalt rest,

that thine ox and thine ass may rest."

That is it. You are grounded.

- For reading the Bible?
- The way you are doing it?

- Yes. Go to your room.
- Okay.

I don't have a donkey.

But if I did,
I'd take my ass out of here.

Hello. I'm George Cooper,
this is my son, Sheldon.

Yes, we spoke on the phone.

You look exactly like you sound.
Not everybody does.

- Should we get started?
- Yes.

[adult Sheldon]
I realize some people may find

the ins and outs of tax law
a little tedious.

So allow me to spice this story up.

Instead of an audit,

imagine this is a showdown
between two warriors

in the most brutal
and exciting form of combat there is.

Chess.

Am I the only one who just got chills?

Let's start with business deductions

from Schedule A
on the tax return dated 1989.

[adult Sheldon]
I know. Bold opening move.

Don't worry. I came to play.

Happy to.
I've got those receipts right here.

Dated, highlighted, and itemized.

[adult Sheldon] Told you.

For the next three hours,
we battled it out.

Two mighty brains
locked in mortal tax-code combat.

Justify this expense.

Our AGI was less than $50,000.

Improper classification.

Rolled over
from the previous fiscal year.

The receipt has barbecue sauce on it.

- Dad?
- Sorry.

So you are remarkably
well-versed in the tax code.

Thank you.

It's nice of you to do your parents'
returns for free every year.

Oh, I don't do it for free.

My dad buys me a model train afterwards.

Interesting.

So you accept payment even though
you're not a licensed tax professional?

In clear violation of federal law.

Check.

[adult Sheldon]
I had walked right into his trap.

Excuse me. I need to use the restroom.

So, catch that Cowboys game last...

- No.
- Yeah.

[phone ringing]

- Ballard's.
- Hello.

Hey, what's up?

You'll be happy to know
I went out and got a checkup.

Fantastic.

Great. Just great.
Now you can shut up about it.

Well, how'd it go?

Good news, bad news.

Uh-oh.

Good news is I'm fine.

Well, now,
isn't that comforting to know?

Don't be smug.

So what's the bad news?

- He wants me to have a colonoscopy.
- Great.

Oh, my gosh, we can do it together!

Can't you just feel the romance?

No, you weirdo.

There you are.
Hey, we're waiting on you.

I want to go home.

What are you talking about?
We're not done yet.

Yes, we are.

I made a mistake that's gonna cost us
a lot of money that we don't have.

I feel so stupid.

Hey.

It's okay to feel stupid.

No, it's not.

It just means you're growing.

If you don't look back
and think you were dumb,

then you haven't learned anything.

- So what do we do?
- We get back in there.

- What if we lose?
- Doesn't matter.

Win or lose, we don't give up.

All right? Now, let's get in there
and show 'em what we're made of.

What do you say?

I've heard you give that exact same
pep talk at football games.

Well, I didn't have
a special one prepared.

That's all right.
I feel properly pepped.

So, where were we?

Check.

It's true.

I made a mistake,
but my dad taught me that's okay.

Wait.

My dad's a teacher.

Which means my doing our taxes
wasn't work for hire,

but an economics lesson
he was teaching me.

[dramatic music playing]

Therefore, the train he bought me
wasn't payment for unlicensed work.

It was a reward
for successfully completing my lesson.

So it does not violate the statute.

And since the value of the train
is less than $10,000,

there's no additional gift tax.

Checkmate.

[sighs]

[audience applauding]

Well, I guess that wraps it up.

What, is it over? What happened?

- We won.
- Wait, we don't owe anything?

No, your returns were all in order.

- Well done.
- Thank you.

- Your son's extremely intelligent.
- Yep.

I hope you audit us next year
so I can run circles around you again.

Till he says something stupid. Let's go.

Ugh!

I can't believe we have to drink
so much of that garbage.

Phew! The important thing is
we get to do it together, dear.

You are so full of crap.

Well, not for much longer. Excuse me.

- The festivities have begun.
- You taking that whole thing with you?

I'm gonna be a while.

[theme music playing]

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