Original subtitles

In 1971, a young woman died at the age of 20.

She left behind a husband, a two year old daughter

and a journal of tape recordings.

A journal that told what it was like to be young and a mother

and in love and dying.

The names of the people in her life have been changed.

But we have retained her spirit

and many of the actual words from her tapes.

J“ country roads, take me home j“

Boy, I want them to play "country roads" at my funeral.

Dying is beautiful, even the first time around

at the ripe old age of 20.

It's not easy most of the time,

but there is a real beauty to be found in knowing that your end...

Is gonna catch up with you faster than you had expected.

And that you have to get all your loving and laughing and crying done

as 800” as you can.

I pray that I live long enough to see Jill become a human being.

Independent of Sam and me.

At least old enough to reason some on her own.

Old enough so she'll remember me.

I guess I like the idea of cremation

for the thought of having my ashes just spread across the mountains.

J“ almost heaven West Virginia j“

j“ blue Ridge mountains, shenandoah river j“

j“ life is old there older than the trees j“

j“ younger than the mountains blowing like a breeze j“

J“ country roads, take me home j“

j“ to the place I belong j“

j“ West Virginia, mountain mamma j“

j“take me home, country roads j“

j“ all my memories, gather round her j“

j“ miner's lady, stranger to blue water j“

j“ dark and dusty, painted on the sky j“

j“ misty taste of moonshine teardrop in her eye j“

j“ country roads, take me home j“

j“ to the place I belong j“

j“ West Virginia, mountain mamma j“

j“ take me home, country roads j“

j“ I hear her voice in the morning hour she calls me j“

j“ the radio reminds me of my home far away j“

j“ driving down the road I get a feeling j“

j“ that I should have been home yesterday j“

j“ yesterday j“

j“ country roads, take me home j“

j“ take me home j“

j“...in my life's time... j“

In the early months of 1970

Kate Hayden was living in Riverdale, Washington.

She had just turned 19.

And she was very much in love.

J“ I've been lately thinking about my life's time j“

j“ all the things I've done and how it's been j“

j“ and I can't help believing in my own mind j“

j“ I know I'm gonna hate to see it and j“

J“ I know my lady's pleasure j“

morning, toots.

There she is! Wow!

That's terrific. Remind me to hire you when I get rich.

-Ok. _ok?

J“ I have to say it now it's been a good life all in all j“

j“ it's really fine to have a chance to hang around j“

J“ lie there by the fire and watch the evening tire j“

Get your bunny!

Your bunny...

Oh, and yeah, well, listen, what was the verdict at the doctor's, anyway?

Oh, same old bursitis.

He gave me a shot. Said I can try out for the olympic track team tomorrow.

Oh, that's terrific. That's terrific for you.

Yeah, but why didn't he just give you that last month?

Why does he wait until now to do all that stuff.

Well, we're having this thing

and we figured you'd never get suspicious if I had to keep going back for my knee.

Yeah!

I gotcha. I gotcha.

I gotcha.

Uh, do you mind, please?

You should be a plumber instead of a musician.

Sex fiends!

Later.

- Much later! - Yeah!

- Sam? - Hmm?

- Sam? - Hmm?

Hold me.

-Listen.

I'll hold ya. I'll hold ya.

What? What did...? It's all right, baby.

He's wrong. I know he's wrong. I know, the doctor.

The doctor? What's he wrong about then?

The bursitis.

Huh?

The bursitis, I know he's wrong about that.

Why? How? Why?

'Cause I keep having this dream.

- I just know it's something else. - Oh! Baby!

- Baby, dreams never, ever come true. - No, it's true.

They do not.

Hey.

Hey.

You know what?

What?

We're going to the mountains tomorrow.

- Wanna go to the mountains tomorrow? - Mm-hmm.

It's up!

It's up!

All right!

I was so happy that week and I was just gonna explode.

So full of love for my baby and my man

And those absolutely mind blowing mountains.

There just wasn't room for anything else.

There wasn't room for pain or sickness or fear.

Life was just too incredibly beautiful.

Come here.

Oh!

When are you gonna get some real hair any how?

Oh! Baby.

Aw, come on. Let's gather some.

You're supposed to have long, silky curls, so I can...

Play Alice in wonderland with you.

Yes, I'll be the white rabbit, and daddy'll be mad hatter. Come on.

I'll get this soap off of ya.

And we can get out of the tub, yes we can.

Come on. Yes.

Sam! Sam!

Sam! Sam!

What? What ha...

Get Jill! No! Get Jill!

Ok, no, no.

Baby, baby. Baby, baby.

Why? What happened? Why? What?

- What happened? - I don't know.

Did you slip?

- No, it was my knee. - Was there water on the floor?

- Something here fall? What? - It was my knee.

- Your knee? Does it hurt? - It was my knee!

Does it hurt?

It just collapsed.

Ok, that's it! We're going to Riverdale! Right today and we get another doctor.

One that's... a good one this time.

Dr. Colburn's just as good as any doctor.

He's a quack!

- You don't even know him! - What's he done but waste our time?

He's done his best.

That's why I went to the clinic. To save money.

Right, and like all your bargains, it winds up costing us ten times as much.

I think you're terrific, too.

Weaver had a line on a used bike.

Now, we're gonna have to spend every last penny on another stupid doctor.

I don't enjoy being sick!

I'm not doing it on purpose!

I'm not doing it to thwart you! I don't enjoy almost killing my baby!

Quit blaming me!

All I'm saying is that if you would've went to a decent doctor six months ago,

you'd be well by now.

By waiting six months now, it's gonna take ten times longer to cure

and it's gonna take us ten times as much and we can't afford it.

Nobody says you have to spend your money on me. No strings, remember?

Bye, good riddance.

Meaning?

Leave! Go get your stupid bike! I'll cope!

Will you? Maybe you will. Yeah.

What am I here for, then? What am I doing? Am I decoration? I know, comic relief.

Right? Right.

You really want me to leave?

Please yourself! Do what you wanna do!

Right.

Creep!

Beep-beep.

Do you need a ride, pretty lady?

You're late.

Wanna get in then?

Where are we going?

Spokane. For tests.

Now he thinks it's a tumor.

What's a tumor? It's a mole, it's nothing.

I gotta be there Monday.

Please, Sam.

Don't bail out on me now.

Hmm.

Well...

Well, what do you need then? You need the bus fare?

Or do you need me?

How can you be so silly?

Well...

Hmm?

How can I love anybody as stupid as you?

Well, if it isn't old foul mouth Weaver himself?

Where have you been?

Oh, here and there.

Horrific to see you, Kate.

It's been heaven without you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know, uh, Sam Hayden?

Uh, no, but I think I should.

Uh, hi.

Hello!

Hi.

First, can I have a glass of water?

- I'll get it. - No, I'll get it.

Ah-ha!

Ah-ha!

The... ah-ha...

- Lookin' for some water? - Yes.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

J“ sunshine in my eyes j“

j“ can make me cry j“

do you come on like this to everybody?

Are you embarrassed?

J“ sunshine j“

j“ on the water looks so lovely j“

you shouldn't be.

Why not?

J“ sunshine j“

- can I sit there? - Where?

- Right there. - Sure.

J“ makes me high j“

J“ sunshine on my shoulders j“

j“ looks so lovely j“

j“ sunshine j“

j“ in my eyes j“

j“ can make me cry j“

j“ sunshine j“

j“ on the waterj“

j“ looks so lovely j“

j“ sunshine j“

j“ nearly always j“

j“ makes me high j“

Oh, what a place!

What a place.

All this and that view up there.

- You've been up here all your life? - No, no.

I wish.

No, I've been living in Riverdale.

But I was born in three forks.

You know where three forks is?

- It's on the Columbia river. - Oh, I know.

Well, I left home when I was 14.

- Oh, really? - Mm-hmm.

I was nervy little brat.

Oh, I know.

Um...

- I think I better tell you something. - Ok.

Um, I think people oughta be totally and utterly honest with each other.

Oh, well...

If I'm being totally and utterly honest.

I want you...

Something fierce.

I'm pregnant.

Who was it?

Why does everybody always ask that question first?

It's a really dumb question.

- Why don't you ask me if I'm happy? - Was it Weaver?

Are you kidding?

He's my cousin.

And besides, I hate him.

It's nobody from around here.

Hmm.

It's... it's somebody I'm married to but I haven't seen him in months.

His name is David and I married him when I was 16 years old.

And I guess I did it 'cause I wanted to show my mother.

Hmm.

And what about the baby?

- Oh, well, that's a whole other trip. - Oh.

You're gonna have it though. You're gonna keep...

Of course, I'm gonna keep it.

I wanna be a mother more than anything in the whole wide world.

And you can't do that without as kid.

Good morning, mother.

- Here she is. - Oh, boy.

Sit up there for me, will you? Will you sit up a bit more?

There you are.

- Ok, she has... - What did I do?

How do I do it?

Are you comfortable there? Watch out for the...

Make sure you've got your arm underherhead.

- Oh, Sam. - Gorgeous.

Really?

Hold your arm under her head. Hold your arm under her head.

How does she know what to do?

Should I do that?

She's working hard now.

She'll fall asleep in a minute

and don't let her little nose

- be touching something. - Ok.

- I'll let you two get to know one another. - Ok.

Wow.

She looks...

Sort of like Adolf Hitler, don't you think?

Sam, that's terrible!

You Nazi.

Does not.

She looks like David.

Well...

She's pretty.

Yeah, no, well, David... Speaking of David.

Uh, they give me the birth certificate.

- Gave me... - Sam, put that back on.

Yeah, well, they gave me the birth certificate to fill it out.

And, uh, and under the name, you know, where it said, where it said,

"name of father",

I... well, I didn't know David's last name, see. So, I...

So, I put Sam Hayden.

Is that... is that... is that all right?

Oh, Sam.

Oh, wow.

- It's... - Ok.

Hmm.

- Hi, Dr. Wilde. - Hi.

Want some tapioca?

Looks delicious.

Come off it!

There you go.

You kids like it straight from the shoulder, don't you?

Tapioca, straight from the shoulder.

- You know what I mean. - Ok.

You have something called osteogenic sarcoma.

It's a tumor on the bone.

Well, some tumors aren't too bad, right?

Right. This one's malignant.

We need to stop it immediately.

And I mean immediately.

Now, I've rearranged about 25 schedules so I can operate tomorrow.

You see.

Osteogenic sarcoma is a kind of cancer that travels from bone to the lung.

If we do not stop it in the bone, we can't stop it in the lung.

- Once it gets to the lung, I die, right? - Right.

And how do you take a tumor out of the bone?

We take off the bone.

My leg?

You wanna take my leg off?

It's the best way to get rid of the cancer.

- No! - Kate.

It's the best way to stop the cancer.

Quickly, cleanly and permanently.

Look, why don't you sign these and give them to the nurse?

What do they say?

That you'll give us permission to operate.

I've gotta talk to Sam. I'm not gonna sign any papers saying you can cut my leg off.

Did you see him in the hallway?

No, I didn't.

Well, I've got to talk to him.

Why is he never here when I need him?

Can I borrow a dime?

- Hi. - It's about time.

- Why? - Why weren't you here?

- What? - I needed you and you were not here.

- Wait a minute! - You're never here when I need you.

What are you talking about? I just got here.

Would you slow down, please, Kate?

Just tell me what's goin' on!

Please?

- What is going on? Shh! - They wanna amputate my leg.

Tomorrow.

Oh, come on.

Big joke, right, Sam? Let's split.

I've gotta think.

I wanna go to the mountains.

Hold on. What do they wanna amputate your leg for?

Because it's full of cancer!

Take it easy but take it.

That's one thing my mother taught me to say

when you encounter those little daily falls.

Take it easy, but take it.

Take it!

You know, Dr. Wilde said some pretty heavy things back there.

Well, Dr. Wilde is a freak.

Yeah, maybe we should get another doctor.

I don't wanna talk about it.

You know, there's gotta be other kinds of treatment.

You know, there's this great cancer clinic in Vancouver.

- Vancouver? - Yeah.

Couple of hundred miles. What's a couple of hundred miles?

Couple of hundred miles? I wanna stay right there.

Exactly like this for the rest of my life.

So, I'm happy and... Shut up!

Want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?

I want some peace and quiet.

One peace and quiet on rye!

Oh, no, no, no.

That's too much. Beautiful.

She weighs a ton.

Ok, so we're going tomorrow.

To the clinic.

Not me.

Peace!

Hello.

Oh, what's your name? Or that's a multiple choice,

you can pick whatever you want.

It's David.

David?

David!

That can't be David. He doesn't have four heads and green, scaly skin.

- What'd you come up here for? - To see my child.

She's not yours. She's mine.

Well, come in. Have dinner.

Be civilized.

Do you know how I found about the baby?

Your mother told me about it.

It never occurred to her that I didn't know.

She's a little dense sometimes.

I signed the divorce papers.

You only have for like a year, haven't you?

But I signed 'em before I knew about the child.

- Jill. - Sam.

"The child" this, "the child" that. She's got a name. Her name is Jill.

You don't have to tell him.

Jill Patricia Hayden.

Jill for her... Come here.

Jill for her paternal great grandmother.

Uh, Patricia for Kate's sister.

And Hayden for me.

Yeah.

You do sort of look like her, you know? Kate said you did when she was born.

Oh. Here, you wanna hold her for me?

And I'll try to get Kate.

Now, it ought to be possible,

Theoretically speaking, at least,

for two people to love one another and then not love one another

and still converse with each other.

I mean, after all, they're still people.

They can still talk.

- Still be honest with one another, huh? - Deal with the upfront.

Forget the hurt. Just like it was another examination to get through.

- You're wasting your breath. - No, no, no, my dear!

Never let it be said!

That a man who quests for love, peace and understanding.

J“ be it ever so humble j“

scale-wise speaking that is, quests in vain.

- What's he on? - Nothing.

- He just gets this way. - Spooky.

I like it.

Oh, yeah, listen, I noticed when you were driving up

that your car was packed. Uh...

You going some place.

Home and the university.

- I talked to a lawyer. - You're into that, huh?

What are you studying?

Geology.

I talked to a lawyer.

Not telling me you were pregnant when you filed for divorce

is what they call an omission of a material fact.

Which means that I don't have to give you the divorce.

And I can get custody of the child.

Over my dead body.

Oh, what do you want her for, anyway?

Man, you don't look like the maternal type...

I'm not saying I want her, I'm saying I can have her.

I see what you meant about this guy.

Frankly I don't know why you want custody.

I don't know why you didn't get an abortion.

All I heard from her for a year and a half is, "I'm trapped,

this is a mistake. Let me out.

I hate making your bed and ironing your shirts.

I hate responsibility. Any and all kinds of responsibility.

- I'm not ready." - Stop it.

-And here you are, taking care of a house, -shut up!

A man and his child. What happened?

- I wear sweatshirts. - I grew up.

Yeah, sure. For five minutes.

Until some other life style strikes your fancy.

That's not really fair.

It's not really fair to raise a child on alfalfa sprouts and marijuana.

I'm not raising her on alfalfa sprouts and marijuana.

I'll give you the divorce, if you'll give me the child.

- I'll raise her right. - You'll raise her?

- My mother will. You like her. - Your mother will!

- She'll raise her right, won't she? - I'm not gonna listen to any more of this.

Then you'll have everything you've always wanted. Freedom. A new start!

- No responsibilities! - Well, I'll tell you something.

Jill needs Kate.

And Kate needs Jill and I need both of them.

Now.

What's it gonna take to make you understand that.

Let's go outside.

David, you're acting like a ten year old!

You stay out of this!

High noonsville.

Before we punch it out, David.

I just think that I should tell you that...

People change.

The only thing Kate wants out of life now is to be a good mother.

Well, "only", I say "only".

That's number one.

And number two is, is she has cancer.

- You serious. - Yeah.

How extensive is it?

They wanna amputate her leg.

Oh, my god.

What about the baby? What about Jill?

Well, they'll cure it if she has Jill, see.

They'll have to. She won't let them not.

Because Jill's not a burden to her.

She's not a restriction on her freedom. Jill's her life.

It's yours.

Thank you.

You're crazy.

J“ yes, I've been dreaming about you every day j“

j“ each and every day j“

j“ and I've been thinking about you all night long j“

j“ I even wrote a song j“

j“ just to let you know how I really feel j“

j“ to make you understand my love is real j“

j“ that you're on my mind all the time j“

j“ I wish to god... j“

ls Sam Hayden there?

Well, if he shows up, will you tell him that Kate called?

"Kate."

- Ok. Thank you. - What are you doing out here?

You're not supposed to be up. I told you to keep your weight off that knee.

- Come on. - How come they put a woman in charge

of the whole cancer section. Because it's hopeless?

Because this is the children's wing.

Children who don't stay in bed when they are told to stay in bed.

- My bottom gets sore. - I'm gonna have them bring you

- a terrific crutch. - I can hardly wait.

Is Sam Hayden there?

Well, if he shows up, will you tell him that Kate called?

No, I already tried that number.

I tried that number, too.

Uh, never mind. Ok?

Sure looks like you could use some music, little lady.

I can't make any sensible decision without you, Sam.

And you're never here.

And this morning, I was always hanging around, getting on your nerves.

- Quote, unquote. - Any idiot could've figured out

that I didn't need you while I was going through my tests.

J“ any idiot could have figured out... j“

can you stop hiding behind that stupid guitar?

Listen, how much longer, how much more money do you think I can borrow

from my parents, Kate? I gotta get a job.

You can get a job any day of the week you want.

Mopping floors, washing dishes.

- Driving a truck. - Mmm.

- But you don't want a job. - Idont, huh?

- Can I come into the room, please? - You just wanna split

from this whole scene. No, why don't you leave?

You can't take it.

I can't take it?

I've been sleeping at the foot of your bed ever since you checked in the hospital.

- Can't take it. - You can't sleep anywhere else for free.

I don't... I don't believe you.

What are you gonna be?

When you grow up, you fat old thing?

Tall blonde and beautiful, huh?

Kate, don't let her nurse.

Get me a nursing bottle.

Why? The doctors in spokane said it was ok.

Because you have radioactive iodine in you from the tests.

- Now, take her off that breast... - I don't wanna...

- It can be passed in milk. - Wean her yet.

You want me to do it? You want me to do it?

I want you to leave.

"I need you. Why aren't you ever here when I need you?"

Right, sit up and all you have to do is hold her as you would nursing.

May I have the bottle? Thank you.

All right, give her the bottle and don't upset yourself for her.

I can't do it. I don't wanna wean her yet.

- You want me to do it? - No.

She's used to the breast from you.

She might take the bottle better from her father. Try it.

He's not her father. He's not my husband.

- He's just some creep off the street. - I see.

Well, all right then, let me try it.

I suppose you haven't discussed your treatment with him either, have you?

- I just hang out for laughs. - We noticed.

The generally accepted way to treat osteogenic sarcoma

is by amputation.

You remove the cancerous part.

If it hasn't spread to any other parts of the body, it's the best solution.

Yes, come.

He's not interested.

I am too interested. Would you shut up?

The scanner showed that it hadn't spread. I think that's amazing

considering how long you waited.

- You're not cutting off my leg. - May I continue?

The other possibility is radiation and chemotherapy.

Right, which will make my leg to break and my hair to fall out

and diarrhea and nausea.

Possibly, but I don't think you can compare

losing you hair with losing your leg, Kate.

Well, it's a lousy trip either way.

So, why don't we just skip the whole thing?

That's suicide.

All these other horrible things that she's gonna do to me

and there's no guarantees.

No guarantees but a little more time.

A little more time for this one.

It's what you wanted, I thought. To be a mother.

I don't know what I want any more.

Except to be left alone just to figure things out.

Do you think this is happening to me because I was born on the 13th?

Or because I ran away from home?

Do you believe in retribution?

Nobody I know believes in... ugh...

I don't wanna be a temporary mother for a year or two.

I wanna be a mother until I'm a grandmother.

And I can't learn to walk on one leg

while Jill's learning to walk on two.

I won't. It's not fair to Jill.

And what does all that mean in practical terms, Kate?

It means she wants to wake up tomorrow morning with no cancer.

And three legs please. Certainly no less than two.

Mmm.

All right. Then.

We will start radiation treatments in the morning.

There you go.

Would you two call a truce if I sent in two dinners?

-Yes.

I'm not hungry.

You behave yourself.

Why is everything all tangled up, all of a sudden?

I don't know.

Well, I love ya.

- Did you forget that? - No.

It's just that...

Come on, say it. Tell me, tell me.

I'm scared.

Oh... I know.

I know you're scared. I am scared, too. Everybody is scared all the time.

Inside. Everybody. Always.

Well, maybe she's wrong. Maybe there's somebody else.

Somewhere else, who can give us a different answer.

Radiation. I don't want to be full of radiation.

I'll be afraid to touch my child.

I'm afraid I'll contaminate her.

That's as bad as cutting off my leg.

But I don't have the money to go any place else.

And you don't have the time.

This is the best cancer hospital in the whole northwest.

And Dr. Gillman is the head of it.

At least, this part of it. She's got to know something. Right?

We've just gotta trust her, baby.

And each other.

I don't know, it just seems like...

Ninety-nine percent of this whole strange scene is trust.

Who are you auditioning for this afternoon, Norman Vincent peale?

All right. Ok.

Now tell me to leave.

-Leave.

Mean it.

- I couldn't. Not in a million years. - Blah...

All right, good.

J“ lady, are you crying? J“

j“ do the tears belong to me j“

j“ do you think j“

j“ our time together is all gone j“

oh, yeah. You know, the divorce papers were in the mail this morning.

Wow! Where's the champagne?

I'm saving it for the wedding.

J“ I'm as close as I can be j“

wedding?

Uh, in the great hereafter, I suppose.

No tomorrow. After the first treatment.

J“ has just begun j“

well, my mother used to get us milkshakes after the dentist.

This is for real.

J“ close your eyes and rest j“

j“ your weary mind j“

- we're getting married in the hospital? - Yeah.

Yeah.

No, Weaver and I met this guy at this audition.

And, uh, he studied to be a rabbi once.

Do you want to be married by an almost rabbi?

My mother will flip out!

Oh, no, he's beautiful, he's beautiful. He looks like Moses.

He's a 100 feet tall.

Except his beard is shorter.

No, he will... he'll keep me humble.

J“ became entwined j“

um...

Are you serious.

J“ that you could know j“

j“ how much... j“

is it legal?

J“ I love you j“

no, well, probably not.

No, but I'll have a justice of peace waiting in the wings, just in case.

J“ I'm as close as I can be j“

how come now, huh?

I mean, marrying me is like betting on a three-legged horse.

- You can't win. - Oh, you can, though.

Yeah, you can.

If you have a strange thing for three-legged horses.

Oh, Sam!

J“ lady, my sweet lady j“

j“ I'm as close as... j“

J“ and I... j“

J“ our time... j“

Weaver...

Hey, Sam. Have you got the ring?

- Yes. - Good.

Now, come over here. Right?

Put the ring on her right hand, index finger.

Beautiful women invariably fall for dumb men.

Now, I told you put it on her right hand. Index finger.

- You got that? - Yes.

Ok, stand over here.

Right here. Face her. Good.

Now, put it on her right hand, index finger. Beautiful.

Now you switch it to l3.

- It's ritual. - Oh.

Come on, Weaver.

Ok, now, pay attention.

Because this is the crux of the whole thing right here.

This is the heart. The soul. The foundation.

Now, repeat after me.

Behold, you are consecrated unto me by this ring.

And note, consecrated means that she becomes holy.

Huh?

An object of reverence and utmost regard. It's heavy stuff.

Hmm.

- Ok. Time to drink. - Oh.

Weaver, a minor.

J“ blessed art thou, o lord our god j“

j“ who has created man and woman j“

j“ who has created earth and sky j“

j“ that's enough j“

j“ who has created brotherhood and joy j“

step on it.

- You mean, break, break the glass? - Smash it. Come on.

Yee-haw!

And note, note.

As impossible as it would be to put this glass back together,

so it is impossible for you two to live apart from one another. Huh?

You almost missed the whole thing, sleepy head.

Hey, sleepyhead.

A minor again?

J“ banish, o lord, both grief and wrath j“

j“ that the dumb may exult in song j“

j“ with the sanction of those present we will bless our god j“

j“ in whose abode is joy through whose goodness we live j“

now, repeat after me.

With feeling, if possible.

Blessed be our god.

Blessed be our god.

Louder. Come on. In whose abode is joy.

In whose abode is joy!

That's better, ok.

Through whose goodness we live.

Through whose goodness we live.

Of whose bounty we have partaken.

Of whose bounty we have partaken.

Terrific.

Terrific!

No, that's it.

J“ put your hand in the hand of the man who stilled the water j“

j“ put your hand in the hand of the man who calmed the sea j“

j“ take a look at yourself j“

j“ and you can look at others differently j“

j“ put your hand in the hand of the man from galilee j“

j“ put your hand in the hand of the man who stilled the water j“

j“ put your hand in the hand of the man who calmed the sea j“

j“ take a look at yourself j“

j“ and you can look at others differently j“

j“ put your hand in the hand of the man from galilee j“

- Oh. Sam. - Welcome home.

- Which one is it? - Right here, with the screen

and, uh, and the dirty windows.

Oh, I've gotta get inside.

- No, it's got indoor plumbing. Huh? - Oh, Sam.

Hot and cold, oh, yeah. Hot and cold running water.

- Not too many steps. - Ah, baby don't cry.

Close enough to the hospital to walk when you're feeling stronger,

the whole beautiful world outside your living room door.

Uh? Uh?

- There's even a bay with the sailboats. - Yeah.

- It's beautiful. - Oh!

Oh, Sam.

- Look at the size of this kitchen. - There's more. There's much more.

Oh, Sam.

- But it's enormous. - Yeah.

Wow.

- But can we afford it? Ok. - Just let me worry about that please.

I know.

- We even have a John that works. - Yep.

Uh, the first thing I'm going to do is make a rug.

A rag rug and then I'm gonna make a patchwork quilt.

My grandmother taught me to do it about a 100 years ago.

I love it!

Hi.

Hi. I thought you children might need some food.

It's chicken and herbs, the baby's gonna...

Oh, that's the baby.

Oh, hey, she's so pretty.

Yeah, what's her name?

- Jill. - Jill.

Right. I know you're really busy.

But, hey, if you want to go out, leave the baby with me.

I'll take really good care of Jill. I really will. I really love children.

And if you Eve need anything, stomp on the floor

because I live in the basement. It's sort of like a basement.

Oh, uh, I'm Nora. See you later.

Friend of yours?

Uh, well, she lives downstairs, and she runs a psychedelic shop, I think.

Hi, dad. And then, upstairs,

there's a family of Romanians with a trampoline.

Uh, they run a gym.

Oh, you're going to love this.

You're going to love this.

You're going to...

- What? - Uh...

- What? You want a pillow? Some water? - No, just play me something. Ok?

- No... are you su... are you... yeah? - Uh-huh.

Just play me a song.

Ok. Hang on.

I got one for ya.

J“ sunshine j“

j“ on my shoulders makes me happy j“

J“ sunshine j“

j“ almost always makes me high j“

that was close.

And...

J“ sunshine j“

j“ on the waterj“

j“ looks so lovely j“

J“ sunshine j“

j“ almost always j“

j“ makes me high j“

oh!

J“ if I had a song j“

j“ that I could sing for you j“

j“ I 'd sing a song j“

j“ sure to make you smile j“

I didn't know if you'd sing that line.

I didn't either. No, no, no, no.

J“ if I had a... j“

oh, what's wrong?

J“ a wish j“

J“ that I could wish for you j“

j“ I 'd make a wish j“

J“ take me home, country roads j“

J“ gather round her j“

j“ miner's lady, stranger to blue water j“

J“ I love you all night long j“

j“ and it's goodbye again j“

j“ I'm sorry to be leavin' you j“

j“ goodbye again j“

j“ as if you didn't... j“

Kate, Kate.

- Oh, no, hey, ok. - Can you watch her?

J“there is a fire in the corner slowly dying j“

J“ I've seen a lot of sunshine I've stepped out in the rain j“

j“ then it's night or two out on my own j“

j“ so lovely j“

J“ sunshine j“

j“ nearly always makes me high j“

J'lfl... j'

hi, mommy!

J“ ...Song I could sing j“

J“ sunshine all the while j“

Shut up!

How can you sing when I'm throwing up?

How can you throw up when I'm singing?

I can't help it. It's the pills. You know that.

Well, the christians always used to sing before they were thrown to the lions.

You know. It seemed like a good thing to do, in the face of adversity.

Adversity, oh, wow.

Well, well, you're laughing. That's better than before.

I can't keep my food down. I can't sleep.

My hair is coming out in the handfuls

and you want me to laugh at your sick jokes?

I am a sick joke.

- Then laugh at yourself. - I can't!

It's better than crying.

I'm not crying!

They can't even find a vein that's any good any more

to put the damn shots in!

They're going to have to put it in my temple next time.

Oh, it's a riot. It's a laugh a minute.

I suppose you've just left Jill.

Jill, what are you doing?

Hi, mommy.

Bad girl! Bad girl!

Bad girl! You're a bad girl!

No, Sam.

Ow. No!

Daddy.

Daddy.

- Sam... - I gotta go get Jill.

- Talk to me. - In a minute.

- Sam... - In a minute.

Come on, come on, come on.

- I'm sorry. - Yeah.

Well, why don't we all go to the park or something?

It's gonna rain.

It's warm outside. The sun is shining.

Jill?

Come give mommy a kiss.

No!

Kate, will you come on, please?

- I'm not going to that stupid park. - Kate, please.

I'm not going to compete with you for my baby.

Nobody's competing.

She's mine, Sam. Remember?

You're stealing her from me.

She's the only thing in the world that's altogether mine.

I know what you're doing.

I know what I'm doing, too.

I'm taking care of another man's kid 24 hours a day.

That's what I'm doing.

You're teaching her to hate me

- ok, mom? - So that when I die...

- Yes. - She won't be so much trouble.

You can marryjust any old broad. Any old broad'll be better than mommy!

I've already made my decision.

I'm not going to therapy any more.

I hate it. You're just wasting your breath.

If you don't exercise that leg every day, you're going to lose the use of it.

The radiation weakens the muscles along with the cancer.

- Between treatments you've got to be... - It hurts.

Of course it hurts.

If it hurts too much, take the pain pills.

I don't want to take the pain pills any more. They mess up my head.

Do you want the use of your leg, Kate?

I don't even want to live.

Oh, you should find yourself a man and have about 200 children.

You'd be world's greatest mother.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I have 350 kids right here.

- And you're my oldest. - And most difficult.

- I know. - Right now. Right now.

I'll give you Jill.

You're kidding.

No, I'm not.

Take me off everything.

The pain pills, the cancer pills, the shots.

The radiation, take me off everything.

Or take my child.

I could go do it, maybe, if it didn't mean throwing up three times a day

or flushing my hair down the toilet.

But I can't go on doing what I'm doing to Sam and Jill.

It'll get better, really.

Your system is going to get used to it.

Sam understands.

Jill doesn't.

Jill can't.

- All she knows is that her mother... - Excuse me. Yes. I'm busy.

Can you have them call me back. Yes.

All she knows is that her mother is screaming at her 25 hours a day.

She never used to cry.

Now she cries all the time.

She cries in her sleep.

She cries when she wakes up.

She chews her fingernails. She has nightmares.

And when I come in to see her in the middle of the night, she screams.

All I ever really wanted to do was have a child.

A girl. And raise her the way I should have been raised.

With nothing but love and freedom.

No shoes. No clothes. No puritan ethic.

No anger.

No rules.

So that she could...

Be open to the sun and the snow

and the mountains and the rain and just know how to love

and it's awful hard when you've never been loved.

When all you've... when all you've known is people scream at you

and...

Tell you how bad you are.

Don't just sit there.

Why don't you write some of that down?

- Some of what? - What you just said.

And more.

You could write Jill letters.

You know, tell her things... That you would while she was growing up.

- Oh, sure. - No, really.

Really.

You could anticipate her questions.

You know? Um...

What she was going to ask you about when she was six.

Things that you'd be telling her then.

Nothing. You already now everything when you're six.

How about when you're ten or sixteen?

I don't know.

Well, sure you do.

Let's see...

Um, what about pimples?

Ok. There you go. There's one.

- You know about pimples, right? - Yeah, I know about that.

Ok and let's see, what else could you tell her about?

Boys?

Yes, you could tell her about boys and things you like,

like trees and grass and mountains, rain.

The seasons. Constancy.

Oh, there's so many. You can tell her about love.

- Why? - So she'd know you.

And who you were and how you feel about her.

I can't type.

- Well, then tape it. - What am I supposed to buy

a tape recorder with? Food stamps?

No, I can do better for you than that.

Well, you certainly know how to change the subject.

Well, you've got a life to get through.

As well as a death.

And I can't do it taking drugs.

Let me get the tapes for that.

Now, look, Kate.

We do have another drug.

It's still in experimental stages.

I just want to stop taking what I'm taking now.

I know.

It's been quite successful in preventing secondary cancers in animals.

The experiments have been running for two years.

- But they're not finished. - Two years?

- Is it a depressant? - No.

- Does it make you throw up? - It doesn't make monkeys throw up.

- Fantastic. - Now wait just a minute.

Quite successful means seventy percent.

Thirty percent of the animals have already died.

- It's no miracle, Kate. - 70% is more than half a chance.

It's simply a substitute for what you're on now.

One that might not give you as much trouble, that's all.

It's... it's experimental. It could give you more trouble.

It's a long long shot. There are no guarantees.

I don't want... I don't want any guarantees.

Whose to say you won't get run over by a truck on the way to kindergarten.

Or have a man Sam or have a kid like Jill.

I don't want any guarantees.

When I said two years, that doesn't mean... Kate, listen to me.

- It doesn't mean that... - I don't want any guarantees!

Two years! I was born lucky.

I can write war and peace in two years.

Jill'll be four in two years! I can remember when I was four.

I went to the zoo!

Kate, please listen to me. Now, I have more to say. Now, wait.

Kate, you have to let me finish.

Sam?

Sam, are you here?

Uh...

Hello, tape recorder, can you hear me?

Come on.

Hello, doctor Gillman. Hello, Jill.

Hello, world!

I love you.

Hello, doctor Gillman. Hello, Jill.

Hello, world!

Oh...

I love you.

Sam!

Somebody!

I have so many things to write about.

And so many things to say to someone to someone who'll listen,

I don't know where to begin.

J“ a c, back to g, g again j“

j“ with an f sharp bass to e minor j“

j“ c again j“

- Sam! - Huh?

Where's my tape recorder?

It's right here, on the... On the rocking chair.

It's absolutely freaky having a thing for a machine but I really love it.

Anything that makes you as happy as you've been the last couple of weeks,

can't be all that bad, Kate.

Even if it is a machine.

Oh, it's a trip. Definitely a trip.

Yeah, an ego trip is what it is.

Ego-shmeego, man.

Anything that satisfies you is an ego trip.

Even dying.

- Oh, that's funny. - Oh, Weaver, sit on it.

Thanks a lot, cuz.

- Hey, Sam? Sam? Can we please rehearse? - Hey, who invited him?

- Let them clean up. - Sam, go on, now. I'll do the dishes.

Go on, now.

No!

J“ ...Sorrow in your eyes j“

j“ the stars are changing quietly j“

j“ the night is nearly gone j“

Kate.

We got company, Sam. Let's talk about it later.

You're not taking your pills.

They make me just as sick as the other ones.

So, how many did you take? You didn't give your body a chance to get used to 'em.

- What did you take? Two or three? - Ten!

- Ten? - Ten days.

- That ought to be enough. - She didn't give the other pills

- a chance to work. - They made me dizzy

on top of everything else, Sam!

Dizzy? What does dizzy got to do with it?

I can't take care of Jill. I can't think. I fall down.

I can't work on the book.

That book! That book's more important to you than living?

Sam.

Now, look, if it's right for Kate, it's right.

You know, it's really not up to you or me or even her doctor

to tell her how to live her life.

If it's right for Kate, it's right.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, what about me and Jill?

No. She's not taking the pills, she's not taking anything.

She doesn't even want to come in for the radiation treatments any more.

Yeah, no, yeah, man, I know the consequences!

I'm the one...

Yes.

Yes. She knows. We've talked.

We've talked and talked until I'm talked out.

So, you see, I'm turning it all over to you, now.

And...

Yeah.

You've gotta have time, you're the one who gave her the damn machine...

Listen, they've got to give you five minutes

sometime during the day for lunch, right?

So, just come on over. We'll split a can of spam or something.

When I started the book,

I realized that the length of your life

doesn't make the slightest bit of difference.

It's the quality, not the quantity.

Well, maybe with your drugs

I'll be able to live until I'm 360.

And maybe without them, ok, I'll die... sooner.

Like, tomorrow maybe.

A couple of months maybe. Enough time to leave a little book...

A part of myself for Jill. Even for Mr. Grouch face.

- Here's the little treat I promised you. - Thank you, Sam.

- The decision is up to you, Kate. - The decision is not up to her.

She's into playing Camille.

- I'm not. - Can't you see that?

I just know the kind of life I wanna live.

Yeah, without any regard for anybody else.

What do you mean, "without any regard for anybody else"?

Kate, there has to be an understanding that if you give up the drugs

and if you give up the radiation treatment

you will have absolutely no chance of stopping cancer.

And it grows very fast.

How fast is very fast?

How fast is fast? That's not the point. How can you ask that?

Didn't you hear her what she said?

With medication, you have a chance to live.

A chance. A ten to twenty percent chance to live for five years as a vegetable.

I want you to live! Jill wants you to live!

I can't live on medication, Sam.

That's what I'm trying to say.

So, they're going to find a cure for cancer, right?

I mean, thirty years ago you died of diphtheria, pneumonia and polio.

Today it's cancer.

They're going to find a cure for cancer any day now.

In zero to five years?

It's possible.

But the odds?

I can't take that gamble.

- You have to take that gamble. - And die after five years

after I've made everybody miserable including myself.

What for, Sam?

How fast will it spread if I don't take the medication?

It's impossible for me to predict that.

Well, I won't die tomorrow, will I?

I mean, I'll have some time before it gets to my lungs.

And then some time again before it kills me.

And up until then...

I'm not going to feel much worse than I feel now, am I?

You'll feel much worse at the end.

But until then...

Weaker, perhaps, but not perceptibly.

See?

That's enough time.

Enough time?

Enough time? Enough time for what? To be a wife? To be a mother?

To... to see the world? To experience everything there is to experience?

- "Enough time"? - Sam.

Sixty years isn't enough time for me!

Yes, but you don't have a tape recorder.

I don't... I don't believe any of this!

Sam.

It's not quite as out and dried as you make it out to be.

Without medication, she will certainly die.

And within a short period of time.

With medication she will most likely, also die.

But not quite as soon.

Osteogenic sarcoma is very rare,

and we don't have much of a chance to work with it.

And very deadly.

So whenever we do have a case, we just don't have much time.

- Yeah, well... - Sam, listen to me.

And some people react so adversely to medication,

that the difference between dying soon and dying sooner,

has no meaning to them.

- Well, in my opinion... no, you wait... - Just a minute. Just a minute.

Perhaps it's better to die with purpose

and dignity, even if it's sooner.

Well...

In my opinion, you are committing suicide.

And you are a murderer.

He loves dramatic exits.

Does he do it often? Will he be back?

Does it matter?

Feeling sorry for myself.

I like to, sometimes.

Like right now, because I'm alone.

Because I'm dying.

I like being a martyr.

At least it gives me something to be.

I love you, mommy.

J“ there's a fire in the corner slowly dying j“

j“ sometimes I just don't feel like goin' on j“

j“ and yet I know it's more than worth the waiting j“

j“ for another chance to see the summer sun j“

j“ come on shine on me j“

yee-haw!

J“ there's a fire in the corner slowly dying j“

j“ sometimes I just don't feel like goin' on j“

j“ and yet I know it's more than worth the waiting j“

j“ for another chance to see the summer sun j“

j“ come on shine on me j“

Ok, we have to decide.

- If we're gonna "yee-haw"... - The "bop-bop-do"...

Doesn't anybody answer the phone in this place?

Yeah?

Uh...

You going to take the pills or not?

That's not... that's not the question. Just answer the question.

No, if you take the pills, I come back. It's as simple as that. It's easy.

Oh, come no now, I don't want to hear any more of this garbage, Kate.

Just, will you or won't you, right?

Right. Ok. Bye.

Who was that?

Wrong number.

I'll put the rest of these up for you, doctor.

Thank you, Mary.

How's Jill?

Thriving.

Good.

Oh, I've got some thing for you.

I thought you weren't going to give me these these

- unless I went to therapy. - No, I wouldn't do that to you.

It looks worse.

Yes, doctor, it does.

But the chest x—ray was negative.

- It hasn't spread to my lungs. - That's correct.

So the fact that the knee's worse isn't really significant, is it?

Who are we kidding, me or you?

It was worth a try.

Where is Sam keeping himself these days or don't you know?

Sure I know.

He's been staying in a place called o'brien's

- on western and 66th. - Mmm.

- But don't waste your time. - Let me take a look at that knee.

It's so ugly. I should have had it cut off.

You miss Sam much?

Jill does.

What about you?

Yeah.

What days does Sam work at o'brien's?

Work? He doesn't work there.

He just goes to practice there during the day.

- But like I said, don't waste your time. - Of course not.

J“ to go a little while j“

j“ and it's goodbye again j“

j“ I'm sorry to be leavin' you j“

j“ but goodbye again j“

j“ as if you didn't know j“

j“ it's goodbye again j“

j“and I wish that you could tell me j“

j“ why do we always fight j“

j“ when I have to go j“

- It's very good. - Hi, doc.

Well, well, well. If isn't Marcus welby in drag.

Sam? Could I talk to you a minute?

No.

- You're not gonna talk to her? - No, we're rehearsing.

That's what's happening right now.

- Right? Ok. - Not gonna talk to her?

Are you afraid?

There'sjust nothing I really want to talk to you about. That's all.

I see.

Well, then you're going to have to bear with me.

'Cause there's a few things I want to talk to you about.

Your wife. Your responsibilities. Your humanity. Or your lack of it.

You're letting her kill herself

and you're talking to me about my lack of humanity?

Why did you marry her? You knew she had cancer.

- Why did you marry her? - He's a little stupid.

This is your business?

- I loved her. - Well, don't you still love her?

I, well... I don't know. I really don't know.

No, no, he doesn't. And if we're all satisfied,

- we'd like to rehearse. - Why don't you stay out of this?

- Hey, let's go get some eats, huh? - I'm not hungry.

I'm hungry.

No, wait a minute. We're still rehearsing. Everything on stage...

- Sam! - Look, all I know is,

is that I can't watch her not fight.

I realize it's terminal.

I realize that it wouldn't do any good at all to fight.

- Would you... do you want some of this? - No.

But I want her to. I mean, I would. If it was me.

Yeah, well, it's not you. It's her.

She's dying her way.

- And she has a right. - But she's accepted it.

She's given up. And she wants my approval for that.

And I can't give it to her. I just can't hack that.

Wait and see how Ivy grows, Jill.

It grows really fast.

Let's put it over by the window, ok?

It's gonna get lots... lots of sunshine.

It'll be perfect. We can tie it with some string.

Right. We can tie it with some string, it'll frame the window

and it'll look really pretty.

Really leafy.

I'm wet, mommy.

Oh, my god, wet pants.

Get me some pants, ok?

I tried to write a poem for Jill today,

but all I could think of was sunshine.

Beautiful sunshine.

If I had a piano, I could play a lullaby for Jill.

A blues lullaby.

Hi, mom. It's Kate...

How are you?

People have been nice but there isn't anybody I can cry with.

Nobody to touch me. Nobody to say it's ok.

Is dad there?

Nobody to comfort me and listen to my self-pity.

I'm so tied up inside it hurts.

I wish my sister could come down.

You should see her. She's growing like a weed.

It's just that if I was a grandmother,

I'd take a little more interest in my grandchild.

No, I'm not criticizing, mom.

Sam's fine.

No, he's not here right now.

Why?

He's rehearsing, I suppose, I really don't know.

That's right, mom. I don't know exactly where he is.

Ok? Satisfied?

Just a couple of weeks.

He just... he just has a hard time, mom.

With my knee and all, not being able to get a job.

Mom, if you keep going on like this, I'm just going to hang up.

No, I don't need anything.

Yes, I do. I need pat. Will you please send her down here for a weekend?

What kind of trouble is she gonna get into,

helping me take care of Jill and clean up the house?

Never mind, mom.

It's been really great talking to you, I'd forgotten what a sweetheart you are.

Yeah. Now, I won't miss you any more.

Hey, tootie.

Who is it?

Bob Dylan.

Hi.

Making love to your tape recorder?

It's a nice alternative.

It doesn't get angry.

And it doesn't leave when things get sticky.

- It's not bullheaded. It's not stupid. - Wow.

I certainly hope that you'll both be very happy together.

This guy was hanging around o'brien's.

When the pound came, I told them he was yours.

- Came to get all yourjunk, uh? - Yep.

It's a weird time to move, isn't it?

Jill's asleep.

So it's easier.

A lot easier.

I'll shut up, too, if you want me to.

Doesn't make much difference one way or the other.

No. I'm immune to you.

What's the cat's name?

Gypsy.

Is that symbolic or something?

No, it's descriptive.

He likes me. He'll stay with me.

He's dumb. He might.

I miss you and all your snitty remarks.

Yes, and I miss you.

And your death wish.

- It's gone. - Sure. Sure.

No, really. It really is. It's gone.

You gonna take the drugs?

Let's go to the mountains.

You and me and Jill.

It's really nice up there now.

I miss talking to you.

I miss making love to you, too.

But what about the cancer, Kate?

Come on. What're we gonna do about the cancer?

Live with it.

No.

You're asking me to watch you die, baby. I can't do that.

I need you.

I'm begging you.

I'm not asking you to die with me,

I'm not asking you to stay to the very end.

I'm just asking you to live with me.

Everybody knows that a cat won't stay in a house

where someone's dying.

Stay as long as gypsy stays.

Ok?

Finally.

Peace within myself

summer is over and fall is my time.

My poetry. I love it.

Virgo in September and changing leaves,

falling and cluttering and drifting to the ground.

The smell of the sun and the dying grass,

the light filtering through the branches.

In Autumn, the sun is in the peace position.

So, it's time for warm sweaters and football and touching and loving.

Oh, I love it so much!

Where the hell have you been?

Can you help me get the stuff out of the car, please?

- Nora! - We had an audition. Remember?

I mean, we almost had a job. Except you weren't here.

I had to go to the mountains.

What do you mean you had to go to the mountains?

Without telling anybody?

Will you just cool it, Weaver? We just got back.

You knew we had an audition, what are you trying to do?

You have just become Mr. Irresponsibility and it really is getting me down.

- How's the big c coming along, Kate? - Would you cool it, I said!

- Be nice! - Better till you got here!

Right, you better rush back to the mountains and recuperate

from nasty old Weaver.

You are nasty.

- Nora, will you give me the... - I mean, your old man...

- On the table. - Doesn't need to work.

Oh, yeah. Sure.

And, you know, it's really true. It really is.

Nothing is more important to you than dying is.

There you go.

I mean, you don't have hospital bills. Or you don't pay rent.

Or buy food. Or gasoline. And Jill never outgrows her shoes.

- Jill never wears shoes. - That's funny.

- Oh! Let go, gypsy. - Gypsy.

I tell ya, I wish I had parents I could soak.

80 grand, Weaver.

See you later.

It's wine time.

- Wine? - No, thank you.

- Goodbye. - Goodbye, Weaver.

It's so pathetic, the guys they got.

Keith Wilder and Gordon Matthews.

You know we're better than they are.

I know we would've had the job if we'd only been there.

Thank you. If Kate hadn't had to dragged you off...

Just... it's my fault. Just leave Kate out of this.

- Yeah, well, I've had it. I'm splitting. - Good.

- The group. - Mommy.

I got to make money.

- Sam'll do better as a single. - Daddy.

- He won't do anything as a single. - That's good, baby.

That's very good. You really know how to bring a guy out.

You know what I mean, Weaver?

I don't know what you need money for.

You eat all our food. And drink all our wine.

Well, you've wrecked my life. I might as well be into you for something.

Why do you think I won't make it as a single?

Because he's jealous.

He's a nerd and he knows nobody's going to pay any money to see a nerd.

I love you, too.

No, because you don't work any more, even when we're here, you don't work.

Remember the hours we used to put in at the beginning.

I mean night after night, all night.

It just doesn't mean enough to you. Music doesn't.

- That's a dumb lie. - No, it isn't. It's the truth.

So, what are you gonna do now on your own?

I don't know.

I was, uh...

I was selling stuff until I ran into you. You know?

You know, Kate, being at the hospital all the time. You got access.

How about it? I mean, being in the family, you know, you owe it to me.

That's not really terribly funny, man.

Wasn't meant to be terribly funny.

Then you should probably get the hell out of my house.

- You talking to me or her? - I'm talking to you, man.

You should probably get the hell out of my house.

Mmm... well, I would but I think I'd rather stay and toast to you, John Wayne.

Get the hell our of my house, man.

And don't come back until you're ready to apologize to my wife, pilgrim.

Right?

That's exactly right, yeah.

Don't hold your breath.

Look out for all that glass there.

It's so beautiful with Sam now.

It's better than it's ever been.

You should hear his music, it's really nice.

Mmm.

In fact, they had an audition today. He should be here pretty soon.

Has he got the adoption papers for Jill yet?

No. He hasn't even applied yet.

Why?

Here it is.

- How much time does that leave me? - Not much.

Well, weeks, months, days?

Oh, hi. I'm sorry I'm late, man.

I... I was looking for gypsy all morning.

I didn't even get to the audition.

The minute you left, she ran away.

What?

'Cause he knew.

It's in the lung.

Kate.

Kate.

Mmm.

Nora.

Mmm.

Come in.

Do you leave your door unlocked like this all the time?

Mmm.

- Sam? - Yeah.

Is Kate all right?

Oh, she's fine. She's fine. Uh, she's upstairs asleep.

-Oh. Hi.

Uh, turn the light on. Come on in.

Oh, yeah, well, the thing is, is that I wanted to...

I had to have somebody to talk to. See?

So, um, the reason is that...

We got the job.

We got the mother loving job at o'brien's.

So, we start tomorrow night. Two nights a week at o'brien's.

Oh, Sam, that's so great.

Hand me that shawl over there, off the horse?

- Yeah. - So, tell me.

Uh, yeah, it was Weaver. All this time, I thought Weaver had gone home.

But all that time, he's talkin' to 'em at o'brien's

about a real job.

And they hire us. They actually hire us. Yeah.

- Congratulations. - Yeah, god.

O'brien's. Have you any idea who started at o'brien's?

- No. - Neither have I.

Oh, no. It's horse riding.

It's Hayden in the stretch.

J“ look around j“

j“ grasses high j“

j“ it's the springtime of my life j“

j“ I'm gonna die j“

j“ in the chill of the damp night j“

I run silently and swiftly to my departure

I wish I had a piano.

I 'd play the blues.

We'll have a house in the Hollywood Hills with a lot of swimming pools

and a lot of horses.

No, I know a lot of superstars

- and that's what they all do all the time. - Is that what they do?

Yeah.

- What is it? - What's what? What?

- What're you laughing at? - What're you laughing at?

Me? I'm laughing 'cause I'm very happy that you got the job.

Well, come here, then.

Sam...

No, I'm hard of hearing

- Sam, do you hear me? - Hmm?

We're not going to make a habit of this.

Sorry, I can't hear a word you say.

Hey.

It's all right.

Wow, you smell of lavender.

She smells of death.

And I want to make things good between Sam and me again.

I know the best thing way to that is to... To make love the way we used to.

But I can't.

It hurts so.

How you doing?

What time is it?

Uh, it's pretty late.

Uh, we got the job.

We stayed late to rehearse tonight.

- You got the job. - Yeah, two nights a week.

- It's fabulous. - Ah...

You smell like lavender.

That's nice.

I love you, daddy.

- Baby. - Of course, he gets paid.

He's with a union. They have to pay him. It's a regularjob.

You sit right here, baby.

Well, if it's any of your business, he gets paid a lot.

Would please stop trying to run my life, mom.

Uh, hi. This is king Kong speaking.

Yes. You wanna know how much money I make? No, I'll tell you how much money I make.

$4,000 a week.

Huh? No, we're just about to move into this incredible mansion.

If you are good, maybe, maybe we will invite you over.

Oh, yeah. No, don't call us. We will call you.

Goodbye. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

That ought to hold her for a while.

That was a different kind of a kiss.

It's just that I'm higher than a kite right now.

Do you realized in six hours we hit the big time?

I know. I wish I could be there.

Oh, but you are gonna be there.

- Well, Jill's just got over the cold. - No, no, no.

We're gonna leave Jill some place and you're coming with me.

I wanna go to the park.

What's going on?

Nothing's going on. I just want you with me. That's all.

What's wrong with that?

Daddy.

What's wrong with that?

Sam, are you fooling around?

"Fooling around".

"Fooling around".

Are you having an affair?

You just can't stand anybody else having center stage, can you?

That wasn't the question.

Daddy?

Someone's calling you.

- Daddy? - The answer obviously is no.

Absolutely, categorically, no.

Sam, it's ok.

It doesn't matter.

Babysitter.

Nora.

Yeah?

- Nora. - Yeah, I'm coming.

Coming. Coming. Coming.

-Hey.

- Oh, Sam, isn't it great? So pretty. - Oh, yeah.

Uh, Kate said that she just got over a cold

and that she should probably get to bed really early.

- Sure. I'll do it. - Ok.

You wanna come in?

Uh, no, I better not.

- Well, you're looking real fine. - Yeah?

Yeah, I like it. Back's great, too.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

See you tomorrow?

It's, uh, difficult.

Yeah, but it doesn't have to be.

Not as long as your head's in the right spot.

Go break a leg, fella.

- Go on. Get outta here. - Ok, yeah. Ok. Right.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

-I got you.

All right. All right. Boy, are you ok?

- Yeah. - Ok.

Wow.

Hey! Where were you?

It's about time.

Yeah, would you get my guitar, it's out in the bus.

We were supposed to go on a half an hour ago.

- I'm sorry. - Oh, you're sorry.

Pull up a chair, sit down. Wait, wait, wait.

This is Tori. Tori, this is Sam and Kate.

You gonna be ok, here?

Um, I'd rather sit back. I can hearjust as well.

You know, just ask the man. He'll give you another beer.

Sam...

Uh, ladies and gentlemen.

- We gotta get together after. - Sure.

Right on. Right on.

Right after the show!

Hi!

Can you hear me back there?

Listen, if you could settle down...

Can I have your attention please?

Hello?

- Somebody? Hello? - Come on! I can't hear myself drink!

Yeah.

Hey, what's going on? I haven't seen you in so long!

J“ lady j“

j“ are you crying? J“

j“ do the tears belong to me? J“

J“ did you think our time together j“

j“ is all gone? J“

j“ lady, you've been dreaming j“

j“ I'm as close as I can be j“

j“ and I swear to you j“

j“ our time has just begun j“

they're not good.

J“ close your eyes j“

j“ and rest your weary mind j“

j“ I promise j“

j“ I I! Stay right here beside you j“

j“ today our lives were joined j“

j“ became entwined j“

j“ and I wish j“

j“ that you could know j“

j“ how much I love you j“

j“ lady, are you happy? J“

j“ do you feel the way I do? J“

j“ are there meanings j“

j“ that you've never j“

j“ seen before? J“

j“ lady j“

j“ my sweet lady j“

j“ I just can't believe it's true j“

j“ it's like I've never j“

j“ ever loved before j“

j“ close your eyes j“

j“ and rest your weary mind j“

j“ I promise j“

j“I'll stay right here beside you j“

j“ today our lives were joined j“

j“ became entwined j“

j“ and I wish that you could know j“

j“ how much I love you j“

j“ oh, oh, my lady j“

j“ are you crying? J“

j“ do the tears belong to me? J“

j“ do you think j“

j“ our time together j“

j“ is all gone? J“

j“ lady, my sweet lady j“

j“ I'm as close as I can be j“

j“ and I swear to you j“

j“ our time has just begun j“

Clap, you dope heads.

Ok.

- Wasn't it incredible? - Yeah.

At first, I thought they were never gonna listen.

And then I thought, they were never gonna clap.

What a gig!

What an incredible gig. Huh?

Well, shall I go downstairs and get Jill or what?

- Oh, what time is it? - It's 2:30.

- Then we should leave her. - Ok.

- Sam. - Mmm?

My tape recorder, where... where is it?

The door was open.

- And I always look the door. - Oh, Sam.

Two, three, four.

Is everyone ready now? Jack, are you ready?

We're ready.

We're rolling.

Kate, eighth interview at her apartment.

By now, everyone knows Kate Hayden.

Knows what she's been through.

What's happened to her, what happened to her tapes

of the hospital.

Uh, could we hold it? Wait. Waitjust a minute, please.

Mrs. Hayden, do you think we could bring the child in here with you?

Jill? Come here.

Beautiful.

That's it exactly.

Well, I stopped... I stopped taking drugs or anything

be... or anything else for the cancer because, um...

They messed my head up and I couldn't say what I wanted to say

and I couldn't leave the book I wanted to leave her.

So they expect me to die pretty, pretty soon.

And that's really hard to say,

'cause all of a sudden, there's nothing left for her.

I don't suppose whoever, uh, took my tapes

and tape recorders...

Recorder, um... is watching,

but if you are, please, um,

please send me back the used tapes.

They aren't any good to you anyway.

Mrs. Hayden, the station has authorized me to present you with this new tape recorder

- and one dozen reels of tape. - Thank you.

Jill...

If you ever feel the need to talk to someone, baby,

- come to this book. - More mail!

- Are you ready for this? - Written words can't help much,

But at least it'll let you know

how much I would've cared.

For whatever was wrong.

I love you so much, baby.

I got it.

Hello?

No, no. This is a friend of hers, can I help you?

I wish I could be with you when you're old enough to read this.

No, she can't be at the phone right now, can I take a message?

I wonder what the world's gonna be like then.

She's in the bathroom.

Yes. Papaya juice?

Yes, I've got that. Ok.

Yeah, I'll make sure she gets it.

Thank you very much. Bye-bye.

This one says papaya juice, beet root, soybean oil in a blender.

Six times a day for six weeks.

People. God bless 'em.

Please remember that sex is a function,

and love is an emotion.

Don't just sleep with any man for sex.

Because when you're in love, there's a bond of giving and receiving.

It's so important, Jill.

If any sort of relationship is gonna survive.

Well, east Germany's got the cure today.

Tomorrow I suppose it's gonna be red China, right?

- Well, listen to this. - Hmm. What?

"God has a reason for everything, Mrs. Hayden.

Search your soul, find your sin.

For you have indeed committed a terrible..."

I'm going to miss you, Sam.

The way you touch me and comfort me when I'm sad.

And the way you smile.

And the way you dance around when you're happy.

I can't die and leave you guys.

Who's going to clean the toilet? Who's going to clean the oven?

What's the matter with you, god?

My family's not a bunch of boy scouts

who can figure out all these things for themselves.

That's what you taught me to do.

That's why I'm here.

God, you're some kind of idiot!

To pull something like this.

What do you gain?

I just don't understand.

Jill is a beautiful little girl who needs a mother to love her.

[Feel like it, right now, like death.

I get so close at night.

Are you all right, mommy?

What? Where is it? What? What?

You can't breathe? You can't breathe?

My mother took us to the Seattle zoo.

And we were feeding the elephants, pat and I.

We ran out of peanuts and popcorn and they were still hungry

so I grabbed my white sandals off my feet and threw them in.

Pat thought it was a great idea and started to take all her clothes off

and throw them but mom stopped her.

Oh, I hated those stupid sandals anyway.

Around Christmas time we used to collect pine cones

for an old lady. I think it was, uh...

I think it was Mrs. Seewald,

Mrs. Seewald, who made wreaths for the church.

She died before I was ten.

J“ I remember being with you j“

j“ I remember dreaming with you j“

j“ I remember loving you j“

j“ you were mine j“

j“ and now the day seemed so long j“

j“ mmmj“

j“ and I can't face the night alone j“

j“ I beg you, please j“

j“ won't you please come home? J“

Sam?

Hey!

Hi.

Hi, sweet lady. How do you feel?

Nothing hurts any more.

It's heaven to breathe without it hurting.

In that case.

I brought my competition.

Sam.

I wish I had a piano.

So, I could play Jill a lullaby.

A blues lullaby.

How I wish I were up in the mountains.

I hope you put me there.

Sam?

It's me, baby.

- Where's Sam? - He had to go work.

- And Jill's with the people upstairs. - I keep dreaming about her.

Oh, Kate. Hey.

Don't worry about Jill. She's gonna be just fine.

You know, she's a tough little girl.

I worry about her all the time.

There's no need to. There's lots of people that love her and would take care of her.

- Think they'll put her in an orphanage? - No.

Now, why would they want to do a thing like that?

And Sam, Sam's not gonna...

Abandon her?

I don't know.

She's not really his.

Why should he be saddled with her for the rest of his life.

After all this crud with me.

Oh, it's enough.

When I go he ought to just be able to walk away.

If he does, I'll take Jill. If you want me to.

Well, it's between you and Dr. Gillman.

She's so busy all the time.

- So I win by default, right? - You know what I mean.

Kate... Kate, I'd raise her real right, anyway.

Sam's parents are going to try to get her.

Or my parents.

And I don't want them to have her.

It's really important to me.

You know, I don't know anything about any legal stuff...

But, you know...

Maybe if you put it down on a tape,

then if there's any hassle, then it won't be my word against theirs.

What is it about me that bothers you, Kate?

You're untidy.

Yeah, I'm untidy.

But tidy mothers raise neurotic daughters.

Yes. My mother was tidy.

You've been sleeping with Sam.

Not any more.

It wasn't such a terrible thing to do under the circumstances, was it?

No, I guess not.

It's just that I don't want Jill...

Raised by a loose woman?

Loose and untidy.

That's so stuffy and middle class of you, my dear.

-Sorry.

I meant to put all the things I made for Jill in a cedar chest.

- The quilt and things. - Yeah, I know.

I'll do that.

- And if the tapes ever turn up... - I'll have them typed and bound.

But you almost have everything re-recorded anyway, don't you?

- Well, I don't know. I'm so disorganized. - Oh, no, you're not.

Dying's such a hassle.

No, but you don't have to worry about anything,

just leave everything to me

and... and I'll sort it all out just the way you want it.

- You wanna... - Call Dr. Gillman.

Why?

Don't... can I get you anything? You want pain pills?

- There's... - Sam.

What?

Wait.

Please.

You fade away and come back. Like some artsy-craftsy movie.

And so do the walls.

Bring your piano.

Please.

- Just wait a bit please. - Oh. About Jill.

All right. I'm gonna to take care of Jill. I told you that before.

Kate, I love Jill.

I hope you marry Nora.

I just... [just wanna be married to you.

Why are you always trying to pawn me off on somebody else.

All we gotta do is...

Just get a little rest. And get you better and then we'll all go home together.

Nora's good with Jill.

Would you cut it out with this Nora stuff?

If I can accept dying, why can't anybody else?

Hello, Kate.

If you ask me how I'm feeling I'll strangle you.

What do you want for lunch, that's all I want to know.

- A pain pill. - Ok.

And you won't give me any other drugs to prolong it. Promise?

Promise.

I've got... got some stuff to do in the book.

And I can't do it with that stuff that messes my head up.

Whenever you do want a pain pill,

all you have to do is ring for the nurse and she'll bring you one, ok?

And you're not going to put any other stuff

- in the pain pills, are you? - No, of course not.

I wanna die on my own clock. That's what I want.

Ok, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I can't take this.

What'd I tell you? Mr. Vanishing act.

Well...

It's hard to watch somebody die.

Probably harder than it is to die.

What am I thinking about?

About friends and places and dogs I've had.

Thinking about my little girl.

Kind of stubby.

Long blond hair.

With an attitude about life that makes me feel small.

Thinking about dying.

Feeling rage that soon there won't be no more of me.

But a feeling of melancholy comes, you know?

It's really a beautiful feeling.

When you know you've done all you know how to do

and all that's left is a little bit of tomorrow.

I was a virgin when I married David.

Can you believe that?

All the things she accused me of.

I loved my keeping myself a virgin because I loved her.

Because I believed her.

Even when she stopped believing me, I went on believing her.

She taught me what...

She taught me what love was

when she taught me the names of the mountain flowers.

Yeah?

And to speak out for myself.

And she gave me my first dog.

How could she accuse me of being a tramp?

Mommy...

Please, mommy.

Tell me you love me.

Because I hurt so bad

and I need my mommy to comfort me.

I know, Kate.

I'll tell her.

Tell her nothing. Tell her to go to hell!

It's hard now. Very hard.

I keep thinking let me wake up just one more morning.

I have so much to say to Jill.

It's so important.

Or is it so important?

I don't even know how to play the piano.

Goodbye, Jill.

Goodbye, Dr. Gillman.

Goodbye, Sam.

Jill, my love. My little love.

Hang in there, baby.

Hi, daddy!

She died.

Didn't she?

I want my...

I drove this thing 425 miles already. Huh.

Jill. Wanna go for a ride?

Huh? Huh?

- Here's a flower for you! - Oh, thanks, baby.

Thanks. Let me unbutton my coat. Look out, it's bur... it's hot.

Yeah. Yeah, ok. I'll just put this coat around here.

I'll button you in, can you breathe? Huh?

Ok, ready to go? Look out.

Yeah, ok.

J“ lady, my sweet lady j“

j“ I'm as close as I can be j“

j“ and I swear to you j“

j“ our time has just begun j“