Original subtitles

My god, thank god you're awake.

I'm so tired but I didn't want to go to sleep till you woke up.

Were you up all night again? Yes.

Jet lag's insane! But I love it.

Last night, I saw a crazy dog, it's a long story.

Actually, that's pretty much it.

How was yesterday? It was fine.

I had pizza, Leslie's crazy...

You should get ready for work.

Andy?

Andy!

Andy got back from London two days ago, and he still hasjet lag.

It's really annoying. We're on totally different schedules.

Last night, he mowed the lawn at 2:00 in the morning.

Andy! Andy!

Get me a beer? All right.

As soon as I wake up, he goes down, hard.

This has to stop.

Babe, wake up.

That's my spaghetti, Chewbacca.

Babe!

Wake up! Wake up!

Wake up!

My god, babe!

You hungry, champion?

Oh, my god, are you kidding me?

Oh, man, I fell asleep again?

Andy, you have got to stay up and get on a regular schedule!

Were you about to spray me with the hose inside the house?

Yeah.

I kind of want you to do it now.

Okay.

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, just a reminder, guys, today is Leslie's last day as a city councilor,

so everyone be extra supportive.

Already done.

When she walked past me this morning, I gave her a kind nod.

Heartwarming. Also, I want to get her a present

to cheer her up on her last day.

Any ideas?

A "sorry you lost your dream job" gift?

Um, that's a tough one.

Stay away from wine. Wine is crying juice.

You know, she really likes waffles.

You should get her a 12-foot cobra and name it waffles.

Well, I mean, you know her better than anybody.

What does she really want

more than anything in the world?

A nice candle! I'm screwed.

Andy, no! No!

Oh, my god. Andy!

I'll be right out.

Well, this is the Pawnee city council chambers.

Your new home away from home.

Well, technically, my home away from home is in Zurich.

Frank gehry designed it. But this is nice, too.

Today is my last day as city... excuse me.

Let me try this again. Today is my last day as...

Today is my last...

Today is my last day... you know what, you get the idea.

My old friend Ingrid de forest won the recall vote,

and she's taking my place on Monday morning.

But you know, luckily for me, I've processed all my feelings

and I've gone through the five stages of grief,

denial, anger, Internet commenting, cat adoption, African dance,

cat-returning-to- the-adoption-place,

watching all the episodes of Murphy brown and not giving a flying fart.

How many stages is that?

I don't know. The point is I'm fine now.

You should know about the other councilmen.

Councilman howser is reasonable.

Councilman Milton is a 106-year-old racist

but if you give him a sleeve of saltines, he'll be putty in your hands.

Councilman jamm is a corrupt dentist with terrible hair.

And watch your back around councilman dexhart.

Why? Is he very sneaky?

No, I mean literally. He takes pictures of women's lower backs

and puts them on Twitter.

He's a perv.

This must be hard for you.

It's like what sir Ian mckellen said to me

the day I sold my boat to Karl lagerfeld.

"Parting is such sweet sorrow."

Oh, my god. What is your life?

If it makes any difference, your work here was a real inspiration to me,

and I am going to do my best to continue your legacy.

Well, I appreciate the sentiment.

Leshe? I'm sorry.

Was I singing goodbye yellow brick road out loud?

No.but would you like to?

I studied opera at the sorbonne. I'd be happy to harmonize.

J“ goodbye... j“ goodbye... j“

nah. No.

And finally,

here is a check for the entirety

of the purchase of rent-a-swag.

And here is a personal note from my client, Dr. Saperstein.

"Dear Tom, iwin. You suck. Turn note over.

"You still suck. Turn note over."

Okay, saperstein couldn't even face me himself?

He had to send in his lackey.

My client isn't at this meeting because he doesn't have to be.

Successful people, Mr. Haverford,

use their money to get others to work for them.

Mmm, that's an interesting idea, lawyer dude.

What if I give you five bucks to put a bag of poop in saperstein's car?

Ballpark me, how much would it cost?

$10,000.

Counteroffer, why don't you just do it for the story?

Goodbye, Mr. Haverford.

Dr. Saperstein: Is it done?

Well, how many times did he turn the paper over?

Oh, that is disappointing.

So, look at this baby.

That is the most symmetrical fetus I've ever seen.

This could be a superhero.

Dr. Saperstein. Yes.

I know that we should hate you

because you destroyed our friend's business,

but we love you so much. We love you.

I'm lovable.

So, do you want to know the sex?

Oh, my god... should we?

No, right? Or maybe yes?

Is there an option other than yes or no?

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna write it down.

Then I'm going to put it in an envelope, seal it,

and when you're ready, voila.

That'll be fun.

It's like the oscars.

Let's get some food. I'm starving.

Wait, no, I have to pee.

Wait, no, I have to barf.

Actually, all three.

Being pregnant is great.

And finally, Larry's share of the profit.

Vvhoa!$72_.

That is the exact amount of my gas bill.

Good to be Larry.

No, it's not, you boring grandpa.

Meanwhile, Tommy's riding high, $32,000.

I'm basically a millionaire.

What are you going to do with the money, Tom?

Glad you asked. A horrible man recently gave me some great advice.

For years, I've been coming up with my own ideas

like some sort of non-rich idiot.

Now, I'm going to let people come to me

and invest my scrilla in the best idea I hear.

That sounds like an efficient use of the free market.

I would wish you the best of luck,

butlbeheve luck is a concept

invented by the weak to explain their failures.

Come hear the ideas with me, Ron.

I could use your wise, grandfatherly advice.

Do you think everyone here is a grandfather?

Basically, ifyou're older than me, you're a grandpa.

And if you are a grandpa, you're dead. That sounds right.

Uh, oops! This check is made out to "Lenny,"

which I think is a typo for "Larry,"

which isn't even actually my name.

Well, tell it to the bank, Lenny.

Am I... am I Lenny now?

I'd like to order a singing telegram.

Well, my wife lost herjob, so maybe something sad and slow?

Do you know anything from the requiem for a dream soundtrack?

This is a bad idea. I'm hanging up now, bye.

Leslie: Well, Ingrid is settled into my office,

and this box contains the last of my stuff.

Although, I might have left some salt packets in my desk.

Maybe I should go back for those?

Honey, it's okay. There'll be other salt packets.

But not the kind that snaps in half, maybe.

Okay, I know I'm a broken record,

but getting away from the city council

is absolutely the best thing for you. Trust me.

After I was impeached as mayor of partridge,

I came back from college and ran in the next election.

Now, my opponent's campaign slogan was, "Ben Wyatt. Blah!"

He won by 60 points.

I don't know what I'm gonna do with myself.

Whatever you do, you'll be great.

This is perd hap/ey, talking to you now about what's going on, today.

We 're live at city hall, where city councilman dexhart

is addressing his latest sex scandal.

Recently, certain allegations have come to light

about my inappropriate conduct

I am here to set the record straight.

I totally did all of it.

Another sex scandal? This guy is unbelievable.

How does he find the time?

After my last imbroglio,

I learned that I am a sex and love addict.

And in rehab, I met other people like me.

Other people struggling.

I had sex with most of those people.

I also engaged in inappropriate texting,

"sexting," and "Tex-mexting,"

which is where you send photos of your junk

from the restroom of a chili's to go.

Hmm. Ew.

Does this make me a "bad boy"?

You tell me.

No, really, tell me.

It gets me off when women tell me that.

He's reading this. He wrote this down.

I sent these texts to roughly 100 women,

under the following pseudonyms,

"Enrique shockwave,"

"Willie dynamite,"

"Lee Harvey teabag."

Well, at least you won't have to deal with that guy anymore.

You're right. Not after someone beats him in the next election.

Someone who is smart and hard-working

and who knows the job because she's done it already

and is also blonde and named Leslie and loves you!

Isityou?

Yes, it is. I'm going to run again.

I'm going to beat dexhart!

And "Anthony weiner."

Another city council campaign? Leslie, think about what you're saying.

I did. I challenge you to find one flaw in my plan.

Well, for one, we don't even live in dexhart's district.

Not yet,

but we can go and rent a second apartment,

and we can spend 51 % of our time there,

and then I'll file the campaign form from that address.

I don't want to spend 51% of our time in his district.

It's basically a dumping ground for old shipping containers.

It's like a raccoon shanty town.

Oh, it's not that bad.

And also, dexhart fights dirty.

He's never lost an election because he runs brutal, scorched earth campaigns.

So what? I've got plenty of dirt

on that scumbag. I say, "bring it on."

So, I'm going to start my negative PR blitz against dexhart and...

Look, I just think we need to take a deep breath,

think about if this is really worth it.

Anything is worth me getting back on city council.

Okay, let's see which one of these lucky visionaries is gonna make me rich.

Greg Phillips?

Hi, guys. Thanks for meeting with me.

Enough chitchat. What's your pitch, kid?

Come on, time is money, money is power,

power is pizza, pizza is knowledge, let's go.

Okay, so, my idea is for an abacus, but on your phone.

I call it a "phone-bacus."

Son, you just described a calculator.

But you're talking about it, right?

Three words, "automated word counter."

Get out.

Automated voice: Two words.

One word.

I'm Harris. And I'm Brett.

And this is...

Both: The dirt machine!

Both: We said it at the same time!

Both: We said that at the same time!

As you may know, I do like to tinker with things in my garage.

I'm gonna hit the can while he's up.

So, I think I have discovered a way

to generate clean, renewable energy.

I think it's going to...

Ugh! Gross! God, Larry, you sneezed all over us!

I'm not going to buy that thing.

It's covered in a gallon of your boogers!

Larry: I totally understand.

Ah, jeez!

I would be thrilled if we have a girl.

Aw, tiny dresses, braids, glitter on everything? Forget it.

And also girls' names are so cute.

Daisy, Annabelle, Lilly...

Olive, Rosemary, chicken.

Fifty burritos. Oh, my god, I'm starving.

Miss, hi, I'm pregnant, and I'm a little bit crazy,

so if you don't bring our appetizers out in the next 30 seconds,

I'm going to plunge your face into the deep fryer.

And also two waters, please, but no hurry.

Thank you.

Leslie, I don't know if there's a story in these emails.

They're iffy, but dexhart has already admitted to way worse stuff.

Well, there's more where that came from.

I have some stories on him that are so nasty

they seem like they're ripped from a Jackie Collins novel.

Dexhart has been elected eight times.

I don't think the voters care.

His poll numbers are actually up since the scandal broke.

Well, that's just because people

found out he was Miley Cyrus' cousin.

He is? Well, that's a story the journal can run with.

Morning, Leslie. Sweet jugs.

What? He's kinda cute.

Oh, god, shauna, no.

I just feel like I could fix him, you know?

This sucks! We heard 100 pitches and they're all terrible.

Change of plans.

You guys are my idea factory. April, go!

Okay, I got one. "Macaroni and poison,"

it's like Mac and cheese, but with a special ingredient.

Ron?

Every socket set I've ever bought

only goes up to half inch.

I'd love a couple larger sizes,

take it all the way up to five-eighths.

Andy?

Bears bouncing on trampoline roads.

There's a chance that I might have dreamed that.

I did once have an idea for an ax, but bigger.

I called it, "large ax."

You know how people bottled water?

What if you bottled other things to drink?

Bottled drinks.

That already exists. Think big guys, come on.

Okay, time to head back to the office.

I've missed an entire day of work,

so at least some good came from this.

Ben: What are you doing?

Well, they couldn't make a banner in time for my press conference,

so I am cobbling together a banner

from all the other discarded banners.

"Second chunce four lesle

"perv dexxxhrt equals birthday mouse?"

Rat.

Well, that's the closest thing I could get to a rat.

Leslie, listen to yourself,

loopholes, scorched earth policies... this isn't you.

I cannot believe you aren't supporting me on this.

Dexhart has a sex scandal the same day I'm leaving office?

That is not a coincidence, this was meant to be.

You know what? Why don't we gather everyone in here,

you explain to them what you're thinking, and we get some feedback.

Now you're talking!

'Cause this is, like the banner says,

"my second chunce."

And when I look at it again, I realize I can take

that birthday hat and turn it into a dunce cap.

Hilarious. This is my destiny.

I would be thrilled if we had a boy.

I have perfected the art of shaving the human face,

and I would love to be able to pass that on.

Toy trucks, superhero costumes,

tiny little acorn penis... Forget it.

A weird image, but one that does not diminish my enthusiasm.

Well, Ann Perkins, are you ready to find out the sex of our baby?

I'm ready.

We are having a...

"Distributions."

That's what it looks like. "Distributions."

Let me see that.

It says "congratulations." I think.

Then it says, "I leg smurf."

Are we having a smurf?

We are having an "eleven-Jewel toilet."

I can't tell what's words and what's punctuation.

The suspense is killing me!

I'm calling Dr. Saperstein!

I'm calling domino's.

Do you think domino's delivers to this restaurant? I hope so.

Oh, no. He's out for the rest of the day.

I have literally never been more stressed out.

Chris, don't do it.

Honey, no!

Honey, no!

I ate a carb.

Good, you guys are here. Okay, everybody, gather around.

I have a big announcement. I am officially

seeking re-election to the Pawnee city council.

I am going to be running for dexhart's seat, and the campaign starts now!

Oh, I love the sound of silence before a big cheer.

That's what's happening, right?

Who wants to hug me first, Donna?

Leslie, you were just recalled.

This seems a little desperate.

What? Desperate people don't get elected.

Does this look like the work of a desperate woman?

"Pleez vote four me, menorah, bowling ball."

No. Because I am on fire and on a roll.

This is symbolism, guys.

Leslie, no offense,

I've heard a lot of bad ideas today, this is the worst.

April? I would love it

if you ran an insane campaign and basically turned into the joker.

But that means you probably shouldn't do it.

Andy?

I don't know, Leslie. It seems risky,

and I'd hate to see you go through another tough fight.

But I could be wrong, I haven't pooped in three days.

Okay. Ron, you have always given me sage counsel,

and your words carry great influence.

So, what do you think I should do?

I do not think you should run again.

What the hell do you know, dum-dum?

All of you, look, this is my only option.

I am running again with or without you.

Leslie, you're running for office again?

What a great idea! How can I help?

Well, no one else brought me any good business ideas,

so I decided to take care of it myself.

Talking tissue!

Every time you pull one out, you get a little message to hype you up.

Tom: Blow that nose, playa! No.

This stinks!

I'm just gonna have to go back to my same job that I've had forever.

Yeah, I get why you're bummed out.

I mean, look at me,

I'm younger than you, and I already have my own department.

Plus, I'm married, and I make more money than you.

Cool pep talk.

Are you trying to cheer me up or just brag about your life?

Both.

Look, you got all those people to come pitch you ideas,

so, clearly, you're good at business stuff.

You just need to find the right thing to do with it.

I mean, I never thought I would be a deputy director, or whatever,

but here I am.

Killing it.

Outranking you.

Whatever. You just merged your department with parks

and then made up your own title.

Yeah. It's awesome.

I'm empty, yo! Fill me up!

Do that again.

What could you possibly need at 6:00 in the morning?

We couldn't read your writing, and we need to know the sex of our baby.

I'm watching cartoons with my son.

Daddy, an Elmer Fudd one is on.

Stop it. What's up, beautiful?

Jean-ralphio. I live in the guesthouse.

What do you say you and I get together in a special way?

I'm pregnant. The more, the merrier.

With my baby. You can come, too, beautiful.

Look at that, I guess sometimes I call men "beautiful," too.

I guess I'm...

J“ ...Open-minded as hell!

J“ I think you're pretty good-looking j“

thank you. Can you just read that

and tell us what the sex is, please?

Wow.

It looks like the chicken that wrote this had a stroke on the paper.

Listen, I kind of remember, but I don't want to say anything that's wrong.

Give me 15 minutes. I will get dressed, we'll go down to my office.

Okay.

Have a good day at work today, daddy.

Also, if you don't know already,

there's a malfunction with the TV

where it keeps ordering porno... like a ton of porno,

like how can someone watch that much porno in one sitting,

only when you're out of the house,

so if you see it on the bill, that's why. Okay?

"And therefore, with your help, we can make our future bright.

"I believe I still have a lot to offer this city."

Ben: I'd swap those two lines.

Always helps to end on the call to action.

I'm sorry if it felt like everyone piled on. We were just being honest,

but if you really want to do this, of course we'll support you.

Thank you. I'm sorry I stormed out.

You know, I've been thinking for weeks

of what to get you as a "last day in city council" present.

I finally figured it out.

You remember Jen barkley, political consultant and power broker.

Hey, Jen. What brings you back to Pawnee?

Ben bought one hour of my time.

I heard you need some consulting.

Well, uh, I guess.

I mean, how are you? How's your family?

Okay, I get paid $1,200 an hour.

Do you really want to spend any of that time

talking about my mother and her 19-year-old Korean husband?

Well, that does sound fascinating, but you're right. Let's talk.

Okay, getting a chair.

Ron!

That's how I enter rooms now. It's more dramatic.

Why did you enter at all?

Because I have some huge news.

You're looking at Pawnee's new business liaison.

I don't like French words.

I do like the word "business." You may continue.

April created a new position for herself, and I want to do the same.

The town could use more private sector money after the merger,

so as business liaison, I would find companies looking to move or expand,

and convince them to do it in Pawnee.

Now this is a good idea.

You've come a long way, son.

And while I've got you here...

Talking tissue. Go for it.

Yo, dawg, life is what you make of it!

Leave while I'm ahead? You got it!

Clear them sinuses, playboy.

Someone's got the "sniffies." Tell your mama you love her.

Step up your vitamin c game, bro.

So they recall me after all I've done for them! Ridiculous.

But dexhart now has another sex scandal. Of course he does.

And the plan is I'm going to run for his seat

because how do I lose to a guy like that?

That's a great idea, right? It's a terrible idea.

I knew it. Wait, what?

First of all, you could lose to a guy like that.

Terrible people defeat great people all of the time.

I should know, those terrible people have paid me so much money,

I have a condo on every virgin island.

Now, you mightwin. You're smart, Ben is smart, you mightwin.

But why would you want to?

Because it's my dream job.

Then dream bigger.

Look, you love this town, it's being run by monsters and morons?

Get a betterjob,

rise above their heads, effect change at a higher level.

Don't be the kid that graduates high school,

hangs out in the school parking lot.

Be the woman who moves away, climbs the ladder,

and then confidently comes back

and has sex with her hot old English teacher

just for kicks.

Is that what you did?

Yeah, Mr. Baker. Sex was pretty good, thanks to me.

Look, Pawnee has done you a favor.

You've outgrown them.

You've got talent, you've got name recognition,

which means that you have a bright, wide-open future

with a thousand options.

State Senate, federal jobs, even congress,

all of these are doable for you.

And you can trust me.

Because I don't care enough about you to lie.

Uh-oh, time's up...

Okay, if you want to keep talking,

you're going to have to pay me 1,200 more dollars.

I just need...

I swear to god, if you say one more word,

you will legally owe me $1,200,

and I will sue you.

Let's not end it like that.

Okay, great to see you, Leslie.

Those five words are on me.

Should I move this back? Don't answer that.

I don't know what you're thinking,

but you have a press conference in 10 minutes.

Make yourselves at home. I'm gonna go get your file.

And, please, don't steal anylubncant

someone is taking an extraordinary amount of lubricant from this office.

It's my son.

Never mind.

Well, this is it... The final moment.

What are you hoping for?

I will honestly be happy either way.

Me, too. Boy or girl, it doesn't matter.

Because it will literally be the greatest child who has ever lived.

You swear you have no preference?

Notatau you?

Who's ready, raise your hand?

It's a boy!

Yes! Yes!

I thought you didn't have a preference!

I didn't. I just really wanted it to be a boy.

Me, too. I don't know why.

You guys are just so neat.

Would you be interested in adopting my children?

They're in their late 20s, they're terrible.

No? No go?

Huh. I ask all my patients.

I have gathered you all here today

because I have an announcement,

a very big announcement about my future.

I will be heading to lunch today,

with my husband, at jj's diner.

We will eat waffles and then we will go home and make out on our couch.

Snuggle, watch a league of their own, if it's on.

That is my future, for now.

It's been an honor to serve this town,

and I will Cherish the memories forever.

Thank you.

There you have it, a shockingly UN-shocking press conference,

in which a recently unemployed woman said nothing of importance.

I'm perd hapley and I just realized I'm not holding my microphone.

Jen barkley telling me I had a future

was the best present I could've gotten. Thank you.

You're welcome.

But I did get you one other present

to take your mind off of all this.

Aw, you are the sweetest man in the world. Where is it?

Well, it's not here.

We have to go get it.

Leslie: In times of stress, or moments of transition,

sometimes it can feel like the whole world is closing in on you.

When that happens, you should close your eyes, take a deep breath,

listen to the people who love you when they give you advice,

and remember what really matters.

And if you have the ability to go to Paris, by all means, go to Paris.

I found one. Oh, great.

Right here. Yeah?

Mmm-hmm.

Moved. I don't know what it is I'm feeling right now... I feel...

Destiny?

But... I don't know what it is, ifeelhke_.

I just never thought I'd see it with my own two eyes

and here it is, it's just there. It's right in front of me, and...

This is what you wanted to see? The bridge from inception?

Yeah.

But the Eiffel Tower is behind us, babe.

Yeah, but this is the bridge from inception. Okay. All right.