All language subtitles for Run.Ronnie.Run.2002.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-ESub-English

Hello, I'm Dot Lancaster,
film valedictorian of Hollywood.

The movie you're about to see
is not real. It is a movie.

Do not act things out from it
because you are disturbed

or pissed off,
you crazy son of a bitch.

This film contains
adult language.

There are 17 swear words,
carefully placed throughout.

Kids, can you find them?

When you hear one,
jump up and turn around.

That'd crack me up.

Enjoy the film.

Hey, there.
My name is Clay.

And this here is the story
of Ronnie Dobbs.

And his rise to fame.

And the man that
discovered him, ain't me.

But let's start
with ol' Ronnie.

Here he is, now.

Oops!

Yeah, Ronnie was a good man.

A true gentleman
of Southern distinction.

Hey Dobbs!

Get your ass
off my car!

Sorry, man.

Thought it was mine.

'Get out of the way, dumb ass!'

- Hey, Darryl.
- Hey, Ronnie. What's up?

- Ah, nothin' much. Tammy?
- Hey, Ron.

- Debbie? B.J., how you doing?
- I'm fine.

Hey Stan.

- I want nothin' to do with you.
- Ah, damn! Look at this.

He's still pissed off
about last time.

Alright!

- Ronnie Dobbs.
- Ain't nothin' but trouble.

- Hey, Harmon.
- Hey, Ronnie.

I'm sorry about doing
that to your sister, man.

I forgot.

Hey!

Ronnie sure was
a free spirit, wasn't he?

Don't you think?

But freedom
is the devil's handshake

because while his brain
was free..

- Look who's back.
- Leland. Darnell.

Y'all don't say nothin'.
Today's gonna be a special day.

...his heart belonged
to a woman.

Tammy!

Tammy!

- Daddy! Daddy!
- Hey, little Ronnie!

Hey, middle Ronnie!
Hey, little middle Ronnie!

What do you want,
Ronnie Dobbs?

Listen, baby, I got to
ask you a question.

Well, go ahead and ask me, then.

Ha-ha. That's what you think.

Now, it's personal
and romanticized.

So, why don't you meet me
tonight, 8 o'clock

at our special place.

Well, how am I gonna get
a babysitter?

- Ain't you got a TV?
- Yeah.

A'ight, then.

See you, tonight.

Ah! Just the two.
It's probably all there.

God-damn!

Man, I know
they talking about beer

but I can think of another pair,
I'd like to grab..

...my balls!

- He don't like it.
- He hungry. He gonna eat it.

Hey, listen, hungry dog'll
eat anything.

C'mon dog, eat that vomit!

Well, looky here! Who's
that good-looking young man?

That's me, Clay,
storyteller to the stars..

...at your service.

- He's not gonna do it!
- Yeah, he will.

There he goes.

Look at him!
He's eatin' it!

I told you!

- Shoot. Out of quarters.
- 'Game over. You loose!'

That's alright, little dude.

You've just been done one free
service by Ronnie Dobbs.

- Thanks, Ronnie.
- A'ight.

'I dare you to take me on.'

- Hey, y'all.
- Hey, Ronnie!

- Got breakfast.
- Looky there!

'Hey, Tonya, Kyle.'

Hey Clay, sorry about your leg.

Next time we out drinking,
you should do the driving.

That's all right, man.
Guess what?

I was a little bit wasted
my own self.

- A'ight.
- You know? Okay?

You two are regular
ol' Three Musketeers.

Yeah. We are. Touché.

Now, I swear,
if I didn't know any better

I'd say that I was about to ask
Tammy to marry me.

Aw-w-w!

Are you?

- For real?
- Mm-hmm.

That is sweet.

You two belong together forever.

Hell, you done proved it
three times.

You see, Tammy was Ronnie's
sweetheart

since elementary school.

Well, the day that Ronnie
got kicked off

the bus for farting
the alphabet

Tammy went right along
with him.

After that,
they was inseparable.

Then, at the ripe age of 12,
Ronnie made it official.

You marry me?

After they got divorced

Ronnie loved on Tammy so much

that he asked her
to marry him again.

Would you marry me
yet again, my lady?

Yes.

After the second divorce,
as if by Cupid's magic

he was destined
to ask a third time.

I was thinkin' maybe, you know,
we should get married again.

Okay.

Science tells us
that the third time's a charm

but this time,
science failed us.

See? Science don't know.

Shit! Shit! Look who's here!

- Johnny Law, man.
- Get over here, son.

But dad, I just got
unlimited lives!

You got no life!

'You're not supposed to be
playing them, damn games!'

And I've told you this before!

Your never gonna learn
anything from them.

Hey, man, why don't you
leave him alone?

Hey, you lookin'
for an ass to kick?

'Cause I got one.
My face and your ass!

You think you're really clever,
don't you, boy?

Let me tell you something.

When I get elected governor,
and I'm gonna.

The first thing I'm gonna do..

...is put all you scum in jail.

You know the second thing
I'm gonna do?

First, send to jail.
Second oh, yeah.

Go to the faggot store,
buy yourself a new mustache.

No.

I'm gonna make sure
you never get out again.

You hear me talking to you, boy?

Why don't you losers,
try to find something

useful to do.

Like killing yourselves.

Uh-oh, you just lost my vote.
That's it.

You done did it, this time.

Smart campaigning.

'See you later, little dude.
A'ight.'

- Dumb dick.
- Dumb dick.

Hey, man, hand me
one of 'em cold beers.

- Uh, who?
- We accidentally drank 'em.

- What, all of 'em?
- Yeah.

You was gone long while there,
you know

taking on the big man, like you
should, you know

- Goddamn!
- Goddamnit!

Come on, man, this is your last
few hours of bachelorhood-ness.

You gotta make the most of it.

- Kyle's right, Ronnie.
- Yeah, you right. You right.

A'ight.

Clay, let's you and me

go fuck up that Piggy-Wiggy
sign! Come on!

Ronnie came up
with the greatest plan

but some how they all
ended up the same way.

- A child shall lead them!
- I want y'all to fuck it up!

We've got a disturbance call,
possible break-in.

Get these all the time.
It's routine. Could be anything.

- You keep an eye out.
- Right.

Ronnie's in it.
Ronnie Dobbs.

Well, look here.
It's his old pal, Clay.

I'm gonna look for Ronnie.
He can't be far.

Hey, Clay.

'We're gonna need
a paramedic up here.'

- You all right, son?
- I'm good.

Ah, well!
You don't look so good.

I'll be all right
when we get to pass-out time.

- Ronnie!
- Hey, Darnetta.

I heard the noise.
I-I-I heard him.

He went that way,
toward that house, there.

- One man?
- One man.

That way. I heard him.
I seen him going there.

I gots a condition, and I didn't
get to take my pills.

I know. I know, darling. You go
back inside. Take your pills.

'My husband Donnie's
supposed to bring the pills.'

'He's supposed to bring 'em.
He's supposed to..'

- There he is!
- Yeah!

'Dispatch, we've got
a 10-80 on foot.'

Ronnie, dammit,
let's don't do this again!

Fuck!

'Wait, watch out for this dog!'

Come on, Ronnie,
let's make this easy!

Hey, Travis.

- Hell, yeah!
- Oh, yeah!

'He's fixing to go out!'

- 'Dobbs! Come on!'
- I'm slippery, ain't I?

Damn it, Ronnie!
Come on back here!

Oh, God.

- Just chasing somebody, ma'am.
- Excuse us, ma'am.

Come on, now, Ronnie!

Ronnie, come on back here!

Camera man!
'Want to know a secret?'

- 'Here he is!'
- He's back in here!

- Ronnie, get over here!
- 'Hold it right there!'

'Bill, he just ran
on down to Darnetta's.'

'Here they come.'

'Praise the Lord!
I hope they catch him!'

Ronnie! Ronnie!

'Ronnie, where are you?'

'Damn it, now here
did you go hidin' at?'

Hey, Dobbs.

We gonna get you
the next time, boy!

We gonna get you
and bring you in!

Oh, hey, Officers.
I was takin' a nap.

- Roll over, Ronnie.
- Damn it, Ronnie!

Roll over!

I was sleeping! What?
I was just sleeping!

- You're going downtown.
- I was in my home, my new home!

What did I do?
I didn't do nothing!

- 'You're going downtown.'
- You going downtown!

- 'You done?'
- Police brutality!

Y'all are brutalizing me!

I don't know what bothered
that sheriff more

Ronnie raising hell
or his arrest

making them TV cop shows.

...captured on TV film!

Ah-h-h!

Y'all brutalizing me!

- Get the hell away from me!
-'Quiet!'

- Sit back, Ronnie!
- 'You sit back, Ronnie.'

Did he spit on your camera?

'Come on, man,
what you doin' this for?'

'I want my rights!
I want a lobster dinner!'

I want my free phone call
to Paris!

Keep it down, Dobbs.
You got a visitor.

Tammy, do you want
your chair, today?

- No. It's okay, Joey.
- Alright.

Hey, baby.
You look very good today.

Ronnie Dobbs, I waited
all night at Jumbo Jimbo's.

- Oh, yeah. I was gonna--
- I guess you're right, though.

You said "Meet me at our special
place." I should just come here.

Hang on. Don't flip
your bitch switch. Okay?

I got, I got a personalized

romanticized question to ask
you. So, pay my fine.

Not this time.

I think, you're gonna want
the right to change your mind

when I ask the most majestic
of all questions.

'Tammy Dupris..'

...on this veritable occasion

will you marry me?

No.

Aw, baby, that's great.
This one's..

What?

No. The answer is no.

Tammy, I just asked you
to marry me.

No!

I did. You need to clean
your ears and listen.

I heard what you said, Ronnie.

But I ain't gonna marry you
until you change.

Change? What change?
What you talkin' about?

I'm tired of all this!

I'm tired of bailing you
out of jail.

I'm tired of making excuses
to the little Ronnies

when they say, "Why ain't
Daddy at my birthday?"

'Cause he's too busy peeing
in a water tower

or stealing a ice cream truck,
naked.

First of all, okay,
I already explained.

That ice cream truck
was for the kids, okay?

That was part
of a civic community service.

Second of all, that water tower
was asking for it.

- You can ask anybody!
- Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie!

Listen to me.

Everyone has some kind
of talent.

You just gotta find out
what yours is

and you gotta make something
of yourself.

Until you do..

...the answer is no.

Tammy, come on!
Tammy!

Yup, Ronnie was hitting
new lows left and right

but little did he know,
thousands of miles away

there was a city called
Hollywood.

Welcome to Thrilling Miracles!

Here he is, all the way
from the country of Britain..

...Terry Twillstein!

Hello-hello, Nancy!
Good to see you all!

What's the number one problem
in the modern kitchen today?

'I don't know.'

Nobody knows!

It's food!

That's why I've invented
the new..

...Food-Erator!

All you do is take
your nicely prepared meal

chop it up into little bits.

Feed it into the Food-Erator.
Drop some of the special

Food-Erator green slop in there.

You're off!

It absolutely destroys food!

Like magic!

Ah-h-h!

Never mind!

Right there where,
could you rewind it?

Go back.
Right there!

That moment. Right there!
Right there!

'That little blooper there,
where the blade'

'sort of leaps out
of the machine into her chest.'

Think you could do some of your
Hollywood magic, you know.

And just cut that out?

Uh, no.

We don't have
that kind of equipment here.

Because I, I think it could
hurt sales!

'Yeah, hopefully!'

Hey, you gotta come see this.

Got more footage of that Ronnie
Dobbs guy getting arrested.

Sweet.

I have nothing.

I'm a failure!

If only I had some thing..

...something that people
actually wanted.

That I could sell to them.

Hey pretty model,
how you doin'?

I'm doin' fine.
How you doin'?

A'ight.How much
for a suck-off?

'Alright, you're under arrest.'

'What? You can't arrest me!
You're a hooker!'

- Yeah, I'm undercover.
- Then you shouldn't be hooking.

Come on. Out of the car.

This guy Ronnie Dobbs, he's been
arrested on TV a bunch of times.

'C'mon, you're under arrest.
C'mon out.'

No, man, y'all need
to arrest her, man!

She's a hooker!

Your police department
is filled with prostitution!

- Come on, man!
- Come home!

I ain't done nothing!

I didn't even get my suck-off!

He's-he's a true
American hero, man.

You need to arrest the lady,
is what I'm sayin' to you.

Go-go to the next one.

You got to know, she's
a professional lie-ologist.

You got my money.
Took my money and drank it--

- I didn't drink!
- That's all you got to do.

Stop. One person talk at a time.

...to the handicaps
as a gift for the season.

'That's what happened.
I was out on a midnight ride.'

I bought these plates!

'That is my wedding dishes!'

Ronnie, those
are my good dishes!

Now you done it, Tammy!
A'ight, Tammy, good!

- He should have his own show.
- Now, that I'd watch.

'Come down and bail me out!'

'Yeah, we'll see about that!'

'I'm gonna be
in cell number seven!'

'Come get me!'

'I'm coming in.. '

Tallyho, all! Is this perchance
Tas-Tee Liquors?

I don't know, faggot!

Well, I've been looking
all day long.

What would you say
if I told you

that I was looking
for a Ronwell Quincy Dobbs?

- Huh?
- I'd say "huh" too.

Perhaps he goes
by the appellation of Ronnie.

That fucker been lyin' to you!
He ain't from no Appalachia!

- Ha-ha, so you know him?
- Hell, yeah! Ronnie Dobbs!

Ronnie said he and Clay was
headed over to Duke's Last Call.

It's just over
the railroad tracks.

Ah, what great good luck!

Good shot!

- Thank you!
- Run on, fancy pants!

Get out of the way! Back up!
Get out of the way!

Damn that Ronnie Dobbs!

Ronnie Dobbs was here, yes?

- You a friend of Dobbs?
- I'd like to be, sir.

You tell that little asshole

next time he feels like pulling
a prank and lighting his shit

on fire, do it
in somebody else's bar.

You hear that, Dobbs?

- The dance is ruined!
- Please. Damn that Dobbs.

That's the one.
Have you seen him?

Oh, look out! Look out!

I'm the principal!

Whoo..

Let's get it, Ronnie!

- Hey, kids, get home!
- Look out! Look out!

Get out of the way!
Run for your lives!

Magic!

Glorious!

Ronnie!

Ronnie Dobbs!

Ronnie!

Hey, this shit's
gotta stop.

Run, Clay, run!

- Thanks, chum!
- Hey, wait up, y'all!

Ronnie Dobbs!

- 'Mr. Dobbs, slow down!'
- I didn't do nothing!

I'm not with the coppers!

- Please!
- You got the wrong man!

I'm here to proposition you!

- Get off me!
- Hear me out!

You ain't a cop!

My name is Terry,
and I'm from Hollywood.

Ronnie, you are not
like other men.

You've got something, something
special, and I want it badly.

I want to be the man
behind the man!

I realize I'm coming
all over you here.

But it's been building up
inside of me for weeks

and I can't control myself.

'Listen, sir, let me show you
what you've got inside of you.'

What could be inside of you
if you'd just give me

the tiniest hole of opportunity!

We can go back to your place
right now. I'll pack your shit.

Help! Police! Him!

- You two get down from there.
- He's the one you want!

- 'I'm coming!'
- Oh, it's okay, officers!

Everything's fine!
I'm from Hollywood!

Wait. Hold on.
There's more.

I'll pay Mr. Dobbs' fine.
You release him to me.

No dice, precious.

What if I told you that I'd take
him out of this town?

The county, wait a second,
the entire state, for good?

For good?

He's yours.

But if he ever
shows up here again

I'm gonna put him in jail
for the rest of his life.

And I ain't hardly bullshitting!
You understand me, boy?

You've got yourself a deal!

And I'll throw in
the fabulous Nickel Holder!

The problem with nickels is,
you're always losing them!

It holds one nickel!

Man, where you from, anyhow?

Oh, I'm from Britain.

There, my green card.

- Terry Twillstein?
- At your service.

- Hey, what's all these?
- Oh, those are my babies.

That's the Salad Evaporator.
Sucks dressing off of salads.

'No one bought it.
That's the Vomit Whip.'

Turns vomit back into food!

And the Fish Magician hides
fish. No one bought it.

Yeah, man, well, look, what
do you want with me, anyway?

Oh, you're my latest product.

I'm gonna take you to Hollywood
and build a TV show around you

and your talents.

My tal-What talents?

'Oh, you know,
for getting arrested.'

- I don't want to get arrested.
- I know you don't.

That's why you run so fast
from the coppers

and you spin
such fabulous yarns.

- Oh, my talents.
- That's right!

All you'll have to do
is what you already do do.

I hope you don't mind
becoming rich and famous.

Ha-ha, hell no!

Yeah, well..

I could get
into that, man.

You know, Ronnie,
you and I are a lot alike.

After all we both come
from a place where--

Shut the fuck up a second.
Pull in here.

- Some I wanna get for the trip.
- Okay. Sure.

Just take a second, a'ight?
Keep the car running, a'ight?

- Sure, Ronnie.
- Hey, Ronnie!

Oh, hey, Clay! Hey, man, sorry
about that bus flipping over.

Next time you gotta drive.

That's all right.
It was my fault.

Doesn't matter. Doesn't hurt
anyway. I can't feel my legs.

- You lucky.
- Rock on.

- A'ight.
- 'A'ight.'

- Hey!
- Hello.

This here's a right nice car.

Yeah, I'm a friend of Ronnie's.

So I'll just slip
in the backseat.

No, that's not necessary.

License and registration,
please.

You're frightening me,
hillbilly.

Am I? Bo-o!
Hey, listen..

Why don't you get me
in this golden chariot

and take me once around
the gas pump?

Why don't you
go bother someone else?

- Just let me in there!
- No! Please, no!

Mercy sakes! You're not from
around these here parts

are you, fish 'n' chips?

- Dobbs!
- Run, Clay!

- Come back!
- Free six-pack!

Hey, little doggies!
Get over here now!

- A'ight, let's go.
- 'Look behind you!'

- My bad.
- Just go.

Dobbs! Goddammit!

- You little son of a..
- Go, go, go, go!

Come back here!

Next stop, Hollywood.
Next stop, Hollywood!

Next stop, Hollywood!

Oh, yeah, come here.
Sweet relief.

'That's I Loathe L.A.
By Daffy Mal Yinkle-Yankle.'

'A hilarious, hilarious takeoff
on that other song.'

'Come on down to Hummers
in Redondo Beach'

'tonight from 9:00 until 2:00.'

'And guys, bring your boners,
'cause we're giving away tits..'

'Wow! It's a regular
dream factory!'

Yes, well, wake up, Ronnie,
'cause it's all too real!

'Now, let's get in there
and grab 'em by the nuts!'

'What? Let's do what to who?'

Okay. I'm holding
the deciding ballot.

Let's see who's voted out.

Willy.

'Bring me your torch.'

Tough break, kid.

Alright.

And now..

...we feast!

This show is killing us.

But we need one of these
reality-based shows to compete.

- Absolutely, Bob.
- Well?

'Mr. Webber, Terry Twillstein
is here to see you.'

Send them in.

Hello-hello!
My name's Terry Twillstein.

And hello, how are you?
That's a fine how do you do.

I have a TV show that features

cops, mayhem, chases,
and roustabouts!

What do you think?

Mm, sounds a lot like
the show Fuzz.

Been there, done that.

'You drive a hard bargain, sir.'

What if I'd take you
to a place you'd never been

and do something to you
that's never been done?

See, my show features
just one man, a single man

getting arrested every week
in a different city.

That way people could feel
for him and grow to love him

and he could be a hero,
a man of the people.

A common man with a silver
tongue and wings on his feet.

I'm talking about Ronnie Dobbs!

Don't mind if I do.

Well..

My immediate reaction is no.

But I've got kind of a "yessy"
aftertaste.

Part of me loves it,
and then this other part of me

hates the first part
for loving it.

'cause the second part
hates it. Fran?

I'm for-gainst it.

Hm..

Well, I gotta say, I love it.

Really?

Well, it looks to me like
you've got yourself a show!

Congratulations!

- Twillstein, right?
- Yeah.

Terry fellow, he masterminded
the whole thing like some

genius Einstein from hell
meets the Wolf Man on steroids.

Right. And then Ronnie gets
arrested. Get him in the car.

Get the car pulling away.
Boom! Magic! Perfect!

Well, that was it. Ronnie,
was off and running.

Oh, but not too fast,
or there wouldn't be no show.

'May I have one second
to pet the dog'

'and let him know I'm friendly?
I mean you no harm, dog!'

'O-oh, look at me!
I'm like an astronaut!'

'I want my right
to remain silent!'

'This goat ate my shoes
and my shirt and my hat'

'and my wallet and my ring.
You put the goat down!'

- 'Arrest this guy.'
-'Arrest this goat!'

Listen here.
You think people liked it?

Run, Ronnie, run!

Hell, yes, they liked it,
and if they paid attention

they just might learned
a thing or two.

You come down from there!

I'm the one who called.
He's right over here.

We're checking out a possible
B & E at Al's Auto Shop.

There he is, right there. I
don't know what to tell y'all.

This crazy drunk maniac
comes running in here..

I have a complaint to make.

I want to file, I want
to register a reward for me

because this man was
impersonating Elvis

and I stopped him.

Officer, he took my hair.
I've got a show to do tonight.

I took Elvis' hair.
I'm gonna go return it to him.

He hit me! Fake Elvis
has been perpetrating

a crime against
a true American hero!

I don't need this, officer.
I got three kids.

I don't need maniacs
coming in my sho..

What happened? Hey, man I was
hanging out here and this crazy

drunk motherfucker
came running up and..

There he goes, officers!
There he goes!

Look at him! There's
the perpetrator! 10-20!

'Police department.
Stay back.'

'Not too close.'

- 'You seen anybody in here?'
- 'Yeah. Went through there.'

- 'Here he is.'
- 'What are you doing in here?'

Look at Daddy.

- Do you live here?
- Yeah, I lived here first.

And then these people
built a house around me

and didn't even check with me.

You think Tammy didn't notice?
Is that what you think?

Listen, think again, and think
right this time, will ya?

'Can't a man sleep
in his cabinet?'

'Yes, yes. I got it.
I got it. That's it.'

Y'all got banana on me!

Y'all got the wrong man.
Okay, listen up.

I was just
stealing myself, okay?

I signed a contract
with the devil at a restaurant.

'I have the contract,
and, and, uh the devil'

'the devil took my soul!
We got this off the devil!'

The devil's loose amongst men
in New York City!

Begone, Satan!

'Oh! No, you got the wrong man!'

Have you had some thing
to drink tonight?

- Drink?
- Yeah. Alcohol.

'Congratulations to you.'

That's four bleeps, man.

Let's do it!

Drink, drink, drink, drink!

I don't speak French!

Fuck!

Speak English,
mother fucker! Come on!

You are under arrest.
Shut up!

Okay. I understood that one.

I'm being chained!
I am a chained man!

Boy, did it take off, quicker
than Ronnie could count to 20.

I'm king
of Alaska Mountain!

He was the new prince
of Hollywood.

Hollywood, California, that is.

Take a look around, Ronnie.
It's all yours.

Terry, I don't believe it.

Man, If six months ago
you'd have said that someday

I, Ronnie Dobbs

would be eating
the world's biggest hotdog

I wouldn't have believed
a goddamned word

out of your lying mouth.

Only in Hollywood!

That's not all. I've another
surprise for you.

- And you're gonna love it.
- There's a bigger hotdog?

It's much better than that!

Ha-ha. Here we are, Ronnie!

Oh, hell.

Terry, I don't like museums.

No, it's a house.

It's your house.

It's glorious.

Like an angel-sparkling loogie!

Whoa!

- Uh, damn!
- What is it?

I like it and all, Terry,
but it's gonna take

an awful long time
to fuck it up.

I did foresee that eventuality.
You won't be alone.

Hey! Kyle, Tonya!
Hey, fucked-up dog!

- Hey, man!
- Alright!

Oh, hey, Clay. Hey, man,
I'm sorry about, uh..

Oh, that's all right, Ronnie.
It's kind of my fault anyway.

Good part is, I don't have
no feeling below my chin.

Well, alright! Let's have us
a champagne jam!

'Get in there,
you drunken cripple.'

Ronnie!
You're fabulous, man!

I love your stuff, Ronnie.
Welcome to the club.

- Dude, show biz forever!
- Ronnie, here's to you.

Come on, dog, eat that vomit.
That's right, eat it up.

- Eat it! Lick it! Lick it up.
- There he goes! Look at him!

Lick it up. Good for his coat.

- John Stamos.
- I'm Rebecca.

Give him a kiss.
Give him a good one.

That's Ronnie Dobbs.
Give him a little tongue.

You've got to come over
and rob us sometime.

- Yeah? Will do, will do.
- We won't even call the police.

- Nice mullet.
- Colin, man, what's up?

- Ronnie.
- Hey, buddy!

Like always, man.
Thank you very much.

Anytime. Hey, yo, Ronnie.

- Okay. A'ight, man.
- You look in good shape, huh?

- Ronnie Dobbs! What's up?
- Ronnie!

Why weren't you at my party?

That's okay. I'm gonna have
another one tonight.

- Okay.
- In my pants.

- I'm just kidding!
- A'ight.

- Am I? Of course I am.
- Okay.

Not.

- Big fan, big fan!
- A'ight, man.

Oh, Ronnie Dobbs,
uh, you are brilliant!

- You have to do me a favor.
- At your service.

- Tell me to fuck off!
- Huh?

- Come on! It's her birthday!
- A'ight. Fuck you, bitch!

Oh, my God.

- In fact, fuck all y'all!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Oh, man, like that?
Check this out!

'That one was for next year.'

- Happy birthday.
- Ronnie, there you are.

Come along.

Hey, birthday girl,
you need a spanking.

'Someone very special
came here just to see you.'

His name's Chow-Chow,
and he's here on behalf

of the Make Your Last Wish
Foundation. Picture!

Peyton!

Ronnie Dobbs, Ronnie Dobbs!

Uh. Hey, Chow-Chow, what's up?

- I'm sad.
- Why's that?

The doctor says I need
special shoes for my fat feet

so I can be like a normal kid
and run and play!

Kiddo, no more tears, 'cause
Uncle Ronnie Dobbs is here.

Tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna go out in this world
and get everything I can get.

I'm gonna be rich,
super rich.

I'm gonna spend money like
a chimp in a beat-off contest.

Yeah?

- Don't interrupt me, now.
- So sorry.

Then I'm gonna get
1,000 pair of special shoes

put 'em in a big ol' pile,
and just burn 'em all!

Woo-hoo.

- Mr. Ronnie!
- Hey, don't interrupt me!

- I done told you once.
- So sorry. No interrupt.

I'm gonna go out and get
a diamond crystal speedboat

and I'm gonna paint it gold,
and I'm gonna get so much pussy.

Don't worry, I ain't gonna
leave you out.

'Okay? You gonna get some.
I'll get you laid.'

Don't worry 'bout that.
What kind you like?

'That's a tough one.
Don't answer yet.'

'Save it. Okay.'

Then I'm gonna find the dude
what makes special shoes

and pay him not to make
special shoes!

Yeah! How about that?
Damn, look at them!

I drew an arrow up
to where my bedroom's at.

- Ronnie Dobbs.
- Yeah.

- Scott Thompson.
- Okay.

Man, I love your work!
Is it real, though?

I mean, do you really
get arrested ?

Hell, yeah, bitch!

This music is awful.

Mind if I raid your CD cabinet?

Raid my..

Oh, no, man.

Oh, you want to..
No, no, man.

My CD cabinet is "exit only".

Thought you were gonna
try to turn me gay

when I wasn't looking, huh?

I know all about y'all's
gay conspiracy agenda.

- Oh, please!
- Nice try.

Lucky Pierre, this is Ramrod.

We have a breach of security.
He knows everything.

Code red. I repeat, code red!

Well, we just received
our numbers from overseas.

Combined with our efforts here

everything is proceeding
precisely according to plan.

Gay bars are up.

Straight men are experimenting.

The priesthood
is still our number one..

- We got a leak.
- What?!

We've got no choice.
We're gonna have to shut down

this entire worldwide
multibillion-dollar

gay conspiracy.

What about the gay-dar machine?

- And the $3 bill?
- What about the skin flute?

Sorry, ladies.

It's over.

Tell our source to get back
into the closet, pronto.

- Damn it!
- Ramrod, code blue.

Get back in the closet.
Repeat, code..

Ladies! You both have
beautiful posture.

Could I get you a drink?

- What's up, Ronnie?
- Ha!

Damn! It's the cardboard
beer girl!

- Uh, ah..
- Ronnie Jobbs.

My name is Kayla.
I am so excited to meet you.

'I am such a huge fan of yours.'

Huh?

Yeah, my agent's been telling me
how hot you are.

And I agree.

Oh..

Yeah, I'm hot.

Hot for you,
if you know what I mean.

I know what you mean.

So, tell me, is that a beer
in your pocket

or are you just happy to see me?

No, I ain't got no beer.
Oh, no, no that's a hard-on.

That's 'cause of you.
You gave that to me.

Well, maybe your big dog

could train my naughty pussycat.

Ah, well, I ain't into pets
or nothing, so, nah.

'But, hey, I got,
got a better idea.'

How's about Dr. Ronnie
takes this here hard-on

and writes you a prescription
for a hot beef injection?

Maybe it's time

you showed me your bedroom.

Oh, yeah, I could do that,
but I got a better idea.

How' s about you and I go fu..

Well, Ronnie,
you've bedded your dream girl.

- Yeah.
- What is it?

I don't know.
Terry, man, it's weird.

I mean, she's hot and all,
you know, but it's weird.

When I'm making
the sweetest of loves to her

doing it for real, you know?

I'm loving on her

I'm pulling out in time
and everything

and it's just like..

I don't know.
I can't help but think of Tammy.

Maybe I should see
a doctor or something.

I'll give you
a diagnosis for free.

You're in love.

Ronnie, since we're pouring
our hearts out to each other

I've got a little secret
to share.

Something I've never shared
with anyone before.

My accent..

...it isn't real.

- You ain't from England?
- No, I'm from England.

But I was born
without an accent.

That's cool.

I wonder if Tammy
would take me back.

Man, get me a bus ticket
back home tomorrow.

Oh, no, sir! No, no,
you have a TV show to do.

No, no, I'm gonna go back home.

You're not going anywhere, but
I'll tell you what I will do..

I'll get Tammy a bus ticket
to come out here!

When she sees what you've done

the house, the monster truck

in the garage, the beer girl.

Well, I mean, it'll only
make her jealous

and that's the number one
motivation for women.

Right.

Right, man. Jealousy.

Yeah, that's like women's
kryptonite.

Mm-hmm..

Mm-hmm.

Ronnie?

Anybody home?

'Enchante.'

My Cherie has arrived.

And your knight
in finery awaits.

Ronnie, this place is amazing.

Yes, my dear, and it is a mere
pittance of my vast estate.

Some of which
you can't even see.

I got a bank account now

and I'm wearing socks.

Behold, glorious gifts
from God and above.

A toilet paper rosette
for a true lady of the evening.

And an Italian cottage made
of international cheeses.

- Wow.
- Yeah, you can eat it.

Except for the bottom part,
that's all cardboard.

Oh, I forgot, let me introduce
to you my secret weapon. Keyla!

- Yeah.
- Who's she?

Oh, only the girl
I've been fucking.

Jealous much?

Oh!

Way to go, bitch.
You fucked up-- Oh!

Tammy.

Hey, bro, you look like you
could use something

to make you feel
a whole lot better.

Come inside, man.
It's okay.

And newly elected Governor
Hark Trellis

is making national news with
a record number of executions

in the state of Georgia.

So far, 35 thrilled prisoners..

Sorry, the word is "doomed."

Make that doomed prisoners
excitedly skipped death row.

'No, they didn't.
They were led.'

What the hell are we paying
Malaysians 35 cents a T-shirt

for when we can get them

from Tai-fucking-wan
for 22 cents?

Time magazine is accusing you
of exploiting Ronnie.

Great! More publicity
for my musical!

Come on, Sh-h-h.
I want to hear this.

No, no, no! That was shite,
pure shite!

- I don't disagree.
- Really?

I think it's ridiculous
like this, it's like a lie.

And we've spent the whole play
getting to this point.

We've unpeeled the onion.
He should be naked.

It's a naked,
beautiful moment.

- Let's try it your way.
- Please.

- Mr. Twillstein.
- Yes.

- It's about Ronnie.
- What's about Ronnie?

Ah-um, he can't
get arrested.

Get me on
the next flight out.

My golden goose.

'Okay, take it from the
beginning.'

It's hard to say what you want

without putting up
those old masks

of "I'm not good enough."

Or "I couldn't possibly
obtain this."

Complete this sentence.
I want, I want..

In my fondest moments
of wantonness, I want..

Mary Lynn. What does
Mary Lynn want?

- I want a magenta horse.
- Mm-hm.

And I want to fly away with it
into a reddish background.

And I want pixies.
Oh, I want pixies.

Good, good, those
are all doable. Good, good.

Jim. What does Jim want?

I want to write a hemp cookbook
using hemp ink.

And I want to build houses
out of hemp for the homeless.

And I want to make clothes
out of hemp for the world.

- And, um, I just..
- It's okay.

I know it's hard, Jim, say it,
you're among friends.

I want to smoke
some of the hemp.

I mean, just a little.
Just...a little.

Good, good getting more honest.

- Yeah.
- Jeff Goldbloom.

What does Jeff Goldbloom want?

- I want my-my money back.
- Mm-hm, mm. Okay.

And, um, ah, I want angels
to-to give it to me.

- Ah-h.
- And, um, oh, ah, pixies.

To, ah, to count it out for me
and a gnome or a hobbit

or an elf to sleep at the foot
of my bed and-and have..

'I just, I just want them
all over my backyard.'

No matter what happens with any
of that I do want my money back.

Ronnie Dobbs. Our newest
recruit. Thank you, Greg.

What does Ronnie want?

Ah, I think I got it, ah, ah.

I want to love people
and I want people to love on me.

- Hm.
- And I want...pecan pie.

I want angels to make me
that pie.

I want angels to make me
that pie so good.

And I want whipped cream
and strawberries on top!

I'll tell you what I want.

Terry, I thought
you was in New York.

Yeah, a lot of people think a
lot of things about New York.

- I want--
- Hey, he-he didn't pay.

It's $1,500
to say what you want.

Stuff it. I want
the old Ronnie back.

Tonya and Kyle told me
you've become a vegetarian

and you haven't drank
with them in weeks.

Oh, hey, Tonya, Kyle,
fucked up dog.

Oh, hey, Clay. Hey, sorry
about that spinal thing.

'It's okay, Ronnie.
I was drunk, too.'

Have you read
these letters I'm getting?

"Dear Ronnie,
my name is Maurice."

"I am eight years old.
I am your biggest fan."

"How come you are not
so drunk anymore? My daddy says"

"you were never really drunk,
just a Hollywood phony!"

"I told him he was wrong.
He beat the shit out of me."

"Love, Maurice." Ronnie, I've
got sacks of these at my office.

Terry, man, it's hard,
you don't know.

You don't know what it's like
being a superstar, I mean.

You know I can get all
these people going

"What can I do
for you, Mr. Dobbs?"

And you gotta think of things
they've got to do for you.

And you just don't know.
It's-it's hard and it's--

- Here. Have a drink.
- It's no fun anymore.

I know, I know.
Take a break, there.

I mean, you know, you get
everybody's giving you free--

Little bit, little more.
Drink, drink, drink.

- 'Little bit more.'
- Yeah.

Yeah, I got my
beer goggles on now.

- That's right.
- Woo-hoo!

I'm starting to see clearly.
This does smell like bullshit.

You'll get out of my house.
Get on, get on out of here.

Freaky new wave hippie.
Get out of here, blondie.

Go on man. You, too, Jeff
Goldenstein, go on, get going.

Yeah, 'cause old
Ronnie Dobbs is back!

Oh, Ronnie,
I love you.

Hello, it's me again.

The scene you were
about to see has been cut.

So that the film
you're watching could obtain

the rating mandated
by the studio.

It's a shame, as it was a
beautifully shot

and poignant scene of love.

A thing of
the past, I suppose.

Many famous films
have had scenes cut

to reach a specified audience.

Here's a scene cut
from a popular children's film.

projector whirring]

A kick in the cunt?

[squirrel chatter

I'm sorry. That was an
inappropriate scene to show here

as it was cut for time,
not content.

Now, let's rejoin the film
you've been watching.

Ronnie returned
to his home town a hero.

Come on, Ronnie,
aren't you excited?

Oh, yeah, I guess.
I just kinda expecting Tammy

to come down
and see me, that's all.

'Thank you. Thank you.
A'ight, come on, now.'

I'd like to thank Mr. Dobbs
for farting the alphabet.

He's definitely a man
of many talents.

- Now, here of course--
- Okay, P.S., ah.

'I just want
to say, ah, okay'

some of you'll think that I
don't deserve a second chance

and I swear, if I were
to get a second chance

or even a fourth chance..

I would make a good husband
to these people.

That's God's honest truth.

Hey, baby, you see me farting?

Arrest this piece of shit, boys.

Ah, what the hell?

Ah, you're going down
for good this time, Dobbs.

He didn't do nothing.

Hey, yeah, that's
really true this time.

It's my new policy,
a little thing I like

to call "no strikes
and you're out."

- Terry!
- You can't do that.

Governor, please,
Ronnie's a celebrity now.

Don't you make
an exception for them?

We had a deal,
Twillstein.

'I want to file a reward.'

Make a hole.

'You see that? Do something.
Don't just stand there.'

Terry, hey man, what's up?

- Ronnie?
- Hey, I can't hear you.

Yes, Ronnie, ah, the phone.
Pick up the phone.

- Huh?
- The phone, pick up the phone.

Hang on. Yeah-lo?

- Ronnie, it's Terry.
- Oh, hang on, he's right here.

Hey man, it's for you.

No. No, it's me on the phone.
I'm on the phone.

Okay. Um ,hey, I'm sorry, looks
like he's on another call.

- Can you call back?
- No, Ronnie, it's me.

Terry, speaking to you via
the telephone.

Oh, man, aw, duh.
Okay, I got it now, okay.

Hey man, how are you? Hey, you
know you got a phone call?

Yes, yes, I realize that.
Ah, Ronnie, how are you?

I'm good. I'm good.
I can't complain, man.

Check out the threads, free.

You know, Ronnie,
this is all my fault.

I was so busy
exploiting you that--

Yeah, yeah, hang on.
That's cool.

They asked me if I wanted
to get electrocuted or injected.

'And I was like,
"Wait a minute.'

"What say I jump out
of an airplane what's on fire"

"no parachute,
but straight into a shark tank"

"filled with poisonous
razorblades?"

That's crazy talk, you're not
jumping out of fiery airplane

into a shark tank of razors.

No, I know, man, they said I had
to get electrocuted.

What are you talking about?

I'm on death row, Terry.
Didn't you hear?

'Part of the Governor's
new Get-Tough campaign.'

He's finally cleaning
this state up.

- That can't be.
- Yeah, man.

- They gonna kill me tomorrow.
- Let's go, Dobbs.

I'll see you in hell, Terry.

Hey, do something real bad
so I can see you in hell, okay?

Ronnie Dobbs.
Naive bumpkin.

- What'd you call me?
- Sack of manure for brains.

'We regrettably interrupt
Fishin' with Guns'

'with this special
news bulletin.'

'Good evening'.

'We have confirmed reports that
the son of Governor Trellis'

'has been kidnapped.'

'The kidnappers have demanded
the immediate turnover..'

Inbred baboon.

'Of TV superstar
Ronnie Dobbs.'

- 'We now go live..'
- That's it!

Shut up, you illiterate
butterbean!

'Get him out of here! Out
the door, through the window!'

'Get him out of here!
Out of here!'

Unhand me, you hairy hill folk.
I'm trying to watch this!

'The lucky boy, sorry,
the unlucky boy'

'is being held hostage by
approximately four gentlemen.'

Gentlemen? No, try "terrorists"!
Stupid tongue. Sorry.

Four terrorists who
are demanding the release

of a prisoner named Ronnie Dobbs
from Georgia's death row.

A swank, luxurious place of
enchantment.

What did I just say? This tongue
of mine, it's all twisted up!

'Make a deal. You hear me?
We will make a deal.'

'Real simple.'

'Real simple. There 's no need
for violence.'

I want you to stay calm.
This can be worked out--

All right in there, listen, this
is the Governor talking to you.

I heard your demands. Now I want
to tell you my demands.

Let my son go and shoot
yourselves in the head.

How's that sit with you?

I didn't get a nickname "Get
Tough" by caring about my son.

- Give me that.
- Twillstein.

Don't listen to him.
He's not on your side.

You can do whatever
you can dream.

Twillstein! Get him!

- We makin' no deals here, pal.
- I'm not with the bobbies.

No, I've come here
to assist you.

Ah, look, I realize
that you're fans of Ronnie's

and you want to get him out
and get an autograph

and maybe a photo but
when you're done, I'll take him.

You ain't taking him no where.
He's staying right here.

We got special plans
for Dobbs.

Well, that's wonderful.
What could they be?

We gonna kill
the son of a bitch!

Kill Ronnie?

Why would you want
to do that?

You're from
that Elimination program.

You got that right.

We was shittin'
in high cotton.

We had the number one show,
then when Dobbs showed up

network pulled the plug
on our show.

Yeah! They forgot all about us.

'Hell, they left us out there
on that goddamn island to die.'

We had to make a goddamned canoe
out of the fat guy.

But he's already on death row.
Isn't that enough?

No, that ain't enough!
We gonna kill him our way!

And then we're gonna eat him.

What in the hell do you think
I'm talkin' about here, pinhead?

Ronnie!

Man, this is hard. I mean,
you live your whole life

and you think you've got
it all worked out

and then comes
the toughest choice of all.

Hope I'm doing
the right thing.

Hey, Dobbs, you
got more visitors.

- Hey-hey, little beans.
- Daddy, daddy..

Gonna give you a few minutes
then say good-bye.

- Okay.
- Oh, look at you'll

You guys run along
and let me talk to Daddy, okay?

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Sorry.
- Do those hurt?

No, no, no, they a'ight.

Tammy, I love you so much.

I-I mean, you're
the only one I ever loved.

- I don't know what happened.
- Oh, Ronwell.

Sometimes God shines His magic
light beam from outer space

and it works
in mysterious ways.

I may not always know
what He's thinking

but I know that inside,
you're a good man.

Oh, baby. I wish I had
a magic genie bottle.

I'd rub it so hard, man
that genie'd be like

"Man, what the fuck you doin'?"

I'd be like,
"Man, I need some wishes bad."

That genie'd be like, "You keep
rubbin' my bottle-home so hard

I'll give you a foot-shaped wish
up your ass," and I'll be like--

Okay, let's go.
Time's up. Let's go.

What the hell?

Hey, let's kill the kid
and the sissy. I'm starvin'.

Yeah, I'd like a snack, too.

Sorry we have
to do this, kid.

Your daddy,
he is one tough bastard.

Like father..

...like son.

- Ah-h-h!
- Come on.

Hut!

Who's next?

Fat little prick!

United States Marine Corps
taught me

how to kill a man in six seconds
before they kicked me out.

Let's get it on, sweetheart.

helicopter engine roaring]

Son.

I got some demands of my own.

'It's confirmed. Governor's
approved the pardon of Dobbs.'

Ten-four, open
the perimeter gate.

'What's goin' on, where
are we goin'?'

'I didn't get my last meal.
What about my waffles?'

I was supposed to have
a wonderful breakfast

of delicious waffles,
and I didn't get nothing

not even a bowl
of good-bye mints.

What about my waffles?

You mind if I buy you
those waffles, stranger?

Nah, man, I ain't in--
Terry?

What are you doing
picking up guys out here?

I'm only here
to pick up one man.

Well, fuck that guy.
Give me a ride.

- Ronnie.
- Tammy.

Come on, Ronnie
Hollywood awaits.

Ronnie was in what the scholars
call a shit pickle.

but we know two heads
is always better than one.

So Ronnie, Tammy, and Terry

came up with something
that'd make 'em all happy.

Look at me. I'm on a river.
Hey, river dance. Woo-hoo-ho.

This is the greatest day in
the moment of American history.

Ever. I'm Ronnie Dobbs!

Catch the ring!
You catch the ring!

I'm not going, motherfucker!

We're trying to save your life!

- Woo-hoo.
- Ronnie, that's it, chum.

Yeah, hey, Terry,
did you see that?

I drove backwards
right off the thing, man.

It was awesome!

'A drunken Ronnie remained
in the water for six hours'

'before a crew of Navy seals
forcibly rescued him.'

'We'll see that tonight, as well
as Ronnie repelling rescuers'

from a treacherous cliff top.

'Bring on that helicopter.
Come on, I don't need you.'

Get on out of here, woah, woah.

And then later, in
an alpine skiing tragedy.

Ronnie comes perilously close
to dying of frostbite.

And humiliates a rescue team
with snowballs.

All tonight on
Ronnie Dobbs Gets Rescued.

Cut! Brilliant.
That's a wrap.

You make Bob Stack
look like an amateur, Kent.

Hey, one hundred.
Who likes cake?

- Ah, everybody.
- Yes. That's right.

Where's Ronnie?

- Ronnie.
- Hey-hey, Terry.

Looks like you got
your truck lowered.

Tammy, is that you?
You look glamorous.

I'm a regular
Hollywood trophy wife.

You are. Thank you
for loaning me your husband.

As long as he's not getting
arrested it's okay by me.

- Woo-hoo!
- Woo-hoo!

I feel like I'm ready to party.
I got lungs of steel.

A'ight, Clay, I heard that.

Uncle. Uncle.

Ah, hey, little dude.

You'll never guess.
I got my special shoes.

I don't give a goddamn.

Come on, Chow-Chow.

Come on, you'll,
let's have us a champagne jam.

Champagne!

Hey, let's party,
for real this time.

'Okay, we're off, everybody.'

'Hey, Ronnie, you ain't got
a hair on your ass'

'if you don't give it some gas.'

'Hey, look out.'

Too fast, Uncle.
Uncle Ronnie, too fast.

'Look out.'

Woo-hoo-ho.

- That was a nasty right turn.
- You guys okay?

Hey, you'll all right?

Uncle Ronnie, you broke my
special shoes.

Then, ah, he stole some tires.

Ah, he stole..

Hey, shouldn't he be
coming up by now?

Go, go, go, go!

This goat ate my shoes
and my shirt and my wallet

and my diamond rings
and ow, ow.

Ah, God, God, ah-h, Goddamnit!

Really? That's fabulous, aw!

Where's that ambulance at?
Where's that ambulance?

Hey, can't catch me.

Oh, fuck! Jesus Christ!
Fuck! Troy! Troy! Aw!

She's a lying bitch. You can't
trust a word she's saying.

Look at this stupid bitch!

Get her off of me!
She's an old lady!

What's wrong with you?

Let me go!
Let me go!

I want her fired.
I want her off the set.

It's called acting.

Well, there you have it.
The Ronnie Dobbs story.

From the bottom to the top

to the bottom
and back to the top.

Who wants to bet
the bottom's next?

What a story!
What about me?

Well, look at me.
I'm fine.

Now, that hit the spot.

Anyway,
I don't blame Ronnie.

See, I was a little bit drunk
my own self.

Live and learn, I guess.

I'm so tired, but, hell,
I can't go to sleep.

Well, I guess I'll just tell
the story again.

This here is the story
of one Ronwell Dobbs..