Original subtitles

[ Girl ] I JUST HOPE IT DOESN’T CAUSE ANY PERMANENT DAMAGE.

SO, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HERE, ANYWAY ?

[ Boy ] A WHILE.

[ Girl ] YOU MISSED YOUR PROM ?

[ Boy ] YEAH.

[ Boy Sighs ] THE THING IS,

WHEN I MADE THAT BET-- OOH ! OOH !

[ TV: Boy Continues Talking ] THERE HE IS. THAT’S FREDDIE.

- HE’S WEARING A TUX. - HEY, WHAT’S UP ?

[ Boy ] I’M THAT WHOLE OTHER PERSON INSIDE OF YOU.

[ Girl ] I GUESS. THERE’S A WHOLE OTHER PERSON INSIDE OF BOTH OF US.

[ TV: Conversation Continues ]

[ Gasps, Chuckles ]

SHH.

[ Vibrator Buzzing ]

- WOULD THE WHOLE OTHER PERSON INSIDE OF YOU... - [ Gasping, Groaning ]

LIKE TO DANCE ?

YES.

- MORNING, SWEETIE ! [ Chuckling ] - OH ! DADDY !

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE ? - WHAT DID I COME IN HERE FOR ?

- IT’S HER BIRTHDAY, DAD. - HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SWEETIE !

[ Vibrator Continues Buzzing ]

- [ Moaning ] - WHAT’S THAT BUZZING SOUND ?

I JUST... NEED A MINUTE HERE.

MAYBE THEY’RE STILL DOING THAT CONSTRUCTION NEXT DOOR.

- [ Old Man ] WHERE’S MY LITTLE ANGEL ? - [ Gasps ]

- HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HONEY. - GRANDMA ? GRANDPA ?

ROSCO ! [ Whines ]

[ Moaning Intensifies ] [ Vibrator Continues Buzzing ]

ROSCO, GO.

- HELLO, JANEY ! - FATHER O’FLANNAGAN ?

I BROUGHT SOME OF YOUR SPECIAL FRIENDS DOWN FROM THE CENTER TO WISH YOU A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

- [ Kids ] HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JANEY ! - OH. HI.

- [ Whines ] - OKAY, MAKE A WISH, DEAR.

[ Continues Moaning ] OH-- NO !

- [ All Gasping ] - [ Moaning, Shrieking ]

[ Pop ]

[ Continues Buzzing ]

OH !

♪♪ [ Rock ] [ Man ] LET’S BEGIN NOW.

♪♪

THIS IS NOT YOUR TYPICAL HIGH SCHOOL.

SEE, HERE AT JOHN HUGHES THERE ARE NO CLIQUES, NO EXCLUSIVE SOCIAL GROUPS.

YOU’RE ACCEPTED FOR WHO YOU ARE, NOT WHO YOU HANG OUT WITH.

WE’RE GONNA DIVIDE THE TOUR INTO SMALLER GROUPS SO YOU CAN GET TO KNOW YOUR PEERS BETTER.

LET’S GET ALL YOU BIG, JOCKY GUYS OVER TO MY RIGHT IN ONE GROUP,

AND THEN GET YOU SLUTTY GIRLS OVER HERE BY ME.

HEY. HOW YOU DOIN’ ? WELCOME.

AND, UH, YOU LOSERS, YOU GUYS SHOULD HANG OUT IN THE BACK.

- THAT CLEARLY INCLUDES YOU. COME ON, GET BACK THERE. - [ Nerd Whines ]

TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT THE KID STANDING BESIDE YOU.

- [ Murmuring ] - HEY.

THEY’RE GONNA BE YOUR ONLY FRIENDS FOR THE NEXT FOUR YEARS.

OKAY, LET’S MOVE IT, PEOPLE !

[ Cheering ]

YOU REALLY NEED TO START DATING.

I DON’T DATE. YOU KNOW THAT.

JANEY, YOU KNOW DAD’S RULE. IF YOU DON’T HAVE SEX, THEN I’M NOT ALLOWED TO.

LOOK, MITCH, I DON’T CONFORM TO TYPICAL HIGH SCHOOL NORMS.

I READ SYLVIA PLATH, I LISTEN TO BIKINI KILL AND I EAT TOFU.

I’M A UNIQUE REBEL.

- SOUNDS MORE LIKE YOU’RE A LESBO. - [ Dad ] HEY, MITCH.

- LEAVE YOUR SISTER ALONE. - THANK YOU, DADDY.

IF JANEY WANTS TO BE A RUG MUNCHER, THAT’S HER DECISION.

WASPS, GET THAT T.D. ! OKAY, GO, FIGHT, WIN !

- ALL RIGHT ! - OHH !

- [ All Gasping ] - [ Cheerleader ] NICE COMBINATION, SUSIE !

[ Crash ] [ Onlookers Gasping, Groaning ]

OH ! WHOA !

I’VE BEEN MEANING TO GET THAT FIXED.

LATER, DAD.

HEY, UH, I MIGHT BE LATE TO PICK YOU GUYS UP.

- WHY ? DO YOU HAVE A JOB INTERVIEW TODAY, DADDY ? - NO, HONEY.

I’LL PROBABLY JUST BE WAY TOO DRUNK.

THAT’S GOOD. WE DON’T WANT YOU DRINKING AND DRIVING.

OH, I’LL BE DRIVING. I’LL JUST BE TOO SHIT-FACED TO REMEMBER TO PICK YOU GUYS UP.

OKAY. BYE, DADDY.

BYE, PUMPKIN HEAD.

[ Boy ] OH, MY GOD ! [ Dad ] GET OUT OF THE ROAD !

[ Screaming ]

OH, MY GOD ! IT’S JAKE ! [ Giggling ]

HE’S SO FINE. HI, STUD.

HI, JAKE. I LOVE WHAT HE DOES WITH HIS EYEBROWS.

OH, AND THOSE SIDEBURNS.

OH, MY GOD, THERE’S JAKE. HE’S SO POPULAR !

OH. [ Girl Squeals ]

HI ! [ Girl ] OH, MY GOD, HE JUST LOOKED AT ME.

[ Girl ] HERE ! YOU CAN KEEP IT !

[ Girl ] HI, JAKE ! IT’S ALL WET !

[ Sniffs ] MELANIE.

AAH ! OH, THOSE ARE MINE !

[ Boy ] HEY, JAKE.

HEY, ARTHUR.

HE-E-E-E-ERE’S RICKY !

HEY, RICKY. WHAT’D YOU DO THIS WEEKEND ?

WELL, UH, FRIDAY NIGHT I STOOD OUTSIDE YOUR WINDOW IN THE POURING RAIN,

SCREAMING YOUR NAME FOR SEVERAL HOURS.

AND THEN I SPENT ALL OF SATURDAY AND SUNDAY MAKING YOU THIS GREAT...

"JANEY, I’VE BEEN DESPERATELY TRYING TO TELL YOU THAT I’M...

MADLY IN LOVE WITH YOU"... MIX TAPE FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY.

A MIX TAPE ? OH, THAT’S SO SWEET, RICKY.

SEE YOU IN ENGLISH.

[ Affected Asian Accent ] CATCH YOU GUY LATER.

WHAT HAPPENIN’ ?

DAMN, SHORTY.

DAWG IS PRETENDIN’ TO BE ASIAN AND SHIT.

THAT CRACKER IS WHITE. CAN’T HE SEE DAT, YO ?

SO, DID YOU GUYS GET ANY ACTION THIS WEEKEND ?

I-I VISIT GRANDFATHER.

I PLAYED TETHERBALL WITH MY SISTERS.

JESUS, WE’RE PATHETIC !

HOW ARE WE EVER GONNA LOSE OUR VIRGINITY BY GRADUATION ?

UH, MITCH, WE’RE FRESHMEN. WHAT’S WITH THE ATTITUDE ?

IT NOT EASY TO GET LUCKY HERE.

GIRLS ARE SENSITIVE, MAN. THEY’RE NOT LOOKING FOR SEX.

THEY’RE LOOKING FOR LOVE.

[ Girl Moans ] LOVE ME ! OHH ! HARDER !

AMANDA BECKER.

[ Mitch ] SHE IS SO PERFECT.

KEEP DREAMING.

WHAT’S UP, REGGIE RAY ?

MAN, I CANNOT WAIT TILL FRIDAY NIGHT’S GAME, Y’ALL.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR HEAD ? DOCTOR SAID YOU HAD A BLOOD CLOT THE SIZE OF A GRAPEFRUIT.

FIVE MORE CONCUSSIONS, AND YOU’LL DIE. YOU SHOULD TAKE IT EASY.

DON’T LISTEN TO HIM, REGGIE RAY.

AUSTIN.

MR. NOT FIRST STRING ANYMORE... [ Groans ]

ISN’T FIRST STRING ANYMORE. [ Chuckling ]

BESIDES, WE ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENED THE LAST TIME JAKE HERE WAS CALLING THE PLAYS.

[ P.A. Announcer ] AND NOW NUMBER FOUR, [ Crowd Cheering ]

OUR HOMETOWN HERO, FIRST-STRING QUARTERBACK JAKE WYLER !

HEY, MALIK, WOULD YOU HOLD THESE BOOKS HERE FOR A MINUTE ?

SURE. WHY NOT ? I AM THE TOKEN BLACK GUY.

I’M JUST SUPPOSED TO SMILE, STAY OUT OF THE CONVERSATION AND SAY THINGS LIKE...

"DAMN ! SHIT !"...

AND "THAT IS WHACK !"

[ Groans ]

[ Austin ] WHAT’S SHE DOIN’ HERE ? SHE GRADUATED FOUR YEARS AGO.

[ Squeaks ]

- HI, JAKE. - CATHERINE.

CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION ?

WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I TELL A GUY THEY CAN PUT IT WHEREVER THEY WANT,

THEY ALWAYS STICK IT IN MY ASS ?

- DAMN ! - THAT’S JUST WAY TOO MUCH INFORMATION FOR ME, CATHERINE.

OH, NO. JAKE.

WAY TOO MUCH INFORMATION WOULD BE TELLING YOU THAT AFTER THEY’RE DONE...

I ALWAYS TAKE A HUGE DUMP.

- SHIT ! - OH !

[ Moans ] ON THEIR CHEST.

OH, THAT IS WHACK !

♪ AI-HOO, AI-HOO AI-HOO, AI-HOO ♪

♪ AI-HOO, AI-HOO AI-HOO, AI-HOO ♪

♪ AI-HOO, AI-HOO AI-HOO, AI-HOO ♪♪

PRISCILLA. THERE YOU ARE.

JAKE, I NEED SOME T-TO-THE-FOURTH-POWER-Y.

- HUH ? - SOME TIME TO TALK TO YOU.

- OH. - GOD !

IT MADE SENSE TO ME, PRISCILLA.

[ Clears Throat ]

[ Squeaks ]

YOU’RE LEAVING ME FOR THIS GUY ?

I’M SORRY, JAKE, BUT WE MET OVER SPRING BREAK.

I’M NOT ORDINARY.

YOU’RE LEAVING ME FOR THIS GUY ?

HIS NAME IS LES,

AND HE’S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING I’VE EVER SEEN.

[ Clears Throat ]

AND SO IS HIS BAG.

♪♪ [ Power Pop ]

♪♪

♪ THAT GIRL THINKS SHE’S THE QUEEN OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD ♪

- ♪ SHE’S GOT THE HOTTEST GUY IN TOWN ♪ - [ Growling ]

♪ THAT GIRL, SHE HOLDS HER HEAD UP SO HIGH ♪

♪ I THINK I WANNA BE HER BEST FRIEND, YEAH ♪

♪ REBEL GIRL REBEL GIRL ♪

♪ YOU’RE THE QUEEN OF MY WORLD ♪ [ Woman On P.A. ] JANEY BRIGGS, PLEASE REPORT TO THE OFFICE.

♪ REBEL GIRL, REBEL GIRL ♪♪

I KNOW THAT BEING A FOREIGN EXCHANGE STUDENT CAN BE A LITTLE SCARY,

ADJUSTING TO A NEW SCHOOL AND A NEW COUNTRY,

BUT I THINK YOU’RE GOING TO FIND THAT THE STUDENTS HERE ARE VERY ACCEPTING OF WHO YOU ARE.

[ European Accent ]

WELL, YOU CERTAINLY HAVE A SUNNY DISPOSITION.

YOU’VE GOT YOUR CLASS SCHEDULE ?

WELL, ISN’T THAT WONDERFUL.

OH, JANEY, COME IN.

JANEY, THIS IS AREOLA, OUR NEW FOREIGN EXCHANGE STUDENT.

AREOLA, THIS IS JANEY. SHE IS GONNA SHOW YOU TO YOUR FIRST CLASS.

HI. [ Chuckles ]

I LIKE YOUR BACKPACK.

HEY, DUDE, I HEARD THERE’S SOME UNDERCOVER REPORTER...

POSING AS A HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT.

DUDE, NO WAY, DUDE !

UH, DO EITHER OF YOU KNOW WHERE MR. KELLER’S ENGLISH CLASS IS ?

DOWN THE HALL ON YOUR LEFT.

SWEET, DUDE.

[ Austin ] FOR THE THOUSANDTH TIME I SAID, "SWALLOW THAT THING !"

[ All Laughing ] RIGHT ?

OH.

HOW COULD PRISCILLA DUMP ME, JAKE WYLER ?

I MEAN, WHO THE HELL DOES SHE THINK SHE IS ?

I GOT TWO WORDS FOR YOU, JAKE: PROM QUEEN... MATERIAL.

AUSTIN, SHE’S AN ILLUSION. OKAY ?

YOU TAKE AWAY THE MAKEUP, THE CLOTHES,

THE WAY SHE WEARS HER HAIR, THE SMELL OF HER PERFUME,

THAT CUTE LITTLE FACE SHE MAKES WHEN SHE’S TONGUING MY BALLS.

[ Both Sigh ]

LOOK, SHE’S TOTALLY REPLACEABLE, OKAY ?

GIVEN THE RIGHT LOOK AND THE RIGHT BOYFRIEND,

ANY GIRL CAN BE THIS YEAR’S PROM QUEEN.

I SMELL A BET.

OKAY, JAKEY-JAKEY, ’BOUT TO MAKE A BIG MISTAKEY--

HERE’S THE WAGER.

I’M GONNA PICK THE MOST HOPELESS GIRL AT THIS SCHOOL,

AND I’M GONNA BET THAT YOU CAN’T TURN HER INTO PROM QUEEN.

YOU’RE ON, AUSTIN. OOH.

AND I’LL BET YOU THAT YOU LOSE THAT BET,

BUT IN DOING SO YOU’LL LEARN A MUCH MORE VALUABLE LESSON AND WIN.

IN LIFE, THAT IS.

HUH. YOU’RE BOTH ON. HMM.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, LET’S FIND YOU A PROM QUEEN,

MR. LET’S FIND ME A PROM QUEEN.

WHAT ABOUT HER ? [ Moans ]

SO BABY’S GOT A LITTLE BACK. HUNCH, THAT IS.

NAH, WAY TOO EASY. OKAY.

♪ I HAVE NO PIGMENT ♪

ANY GIRL WITH A GUITAR IS HOT.

♪ I NEED SUNSCREEN ♪♪

GRANTED, SHE’S A HIPPIE ALBINO. SHE COULD STILL BE PROM QUEEN.

OKAY, UH, WHAT ABOUT THE FRATELLI SISTERS ?

[ Austin ] THEY’RE SLIGHTLY DISFIGURED AND CONNECTED AT THE HEAD.

HI, JAKE. HI, JAKE.

BUT COMBINED, THOSE TWO MAKE UP ONE PRETTY DECENT CHICK.

YEAH, I’D DO HER. I KNOW YOU WOULD, REGGIE RAY.

BUT NO, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY WHO’S REALLY MESSED UP.

I’M TALKING ABOUT A REAL SHIT BOMB.

OH. WELL.

[ Austin ] BOMBS AWAY !

OHH ! [ Imitates Explosion ]

NO, NO, NO, ANYONE BUT HER ! NOT JANEY BRIGGS !

GUYS, SHE’S GOT GLASSES AND A PONYTAIL !

OH, LOOK AT THAT. SHE’S GOT PAINT ON HER OVERALLS.

GUYS, THERE’S NO WAY SHE COULD BE PROM QUEEN.

DAMN, THAT SHIT’S WHACK.

[ Boy ] AIM FOR THE HEAD !

[ Girl ] MAKE IT BLEED ! [ All Shouting ]

CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT THEY’RE DOING IN THERE ?

HORRY COW !

GUYS-- OHH ! GET YOUR HEADS OUT OF THE GUTTER.

IT’S JUST A GIRL’S LOCKER ROOM.

I’M SURE IT’S NO SEXIER IN THERE THAN IT IS IN HERE.

[ Girl ] HEY, MOLLY, CAN YOU HELP ME TAKE OFF MY PANTIES ?

[ Molly ] HOLD ON, KRISTI. I’VE GOT LOTION ALL OVER MY HANDS.

[ Kristi ] THAT’S OKAY. YOU CAN JUST USE YOUR MOUTH.

THANK YOU, MISS PETERS.

SO, WHO ELSE WOULD LIKE TO SHARE THEIR POEM...

WITH THE REST OF THE CLASS ?

[ Stammering ]

MR. KELLER. OVER HERE. RIGHT HERE. OVER HERE. RIGHT HERE.

PLEASE. ANYONE ?

MR. KELLER, PLEASE PICK ME. I’M THE ONE.

YES... RICKY.

[ Clearing Throat, Sniffs ]

"TEN THINGS I LOVE ABOUT JANEY," BY RICKY LIPMAN. [ Boy ] OH, NOT AGAIN !

"I LOVE IT WHEN JANEY TALKS. I LOVE IT WHEN JANEY WALKS .

"I LOVE IT WHEN JANEY DRINKS.

"I LOVE IT WHEN JANEY BLINKS.

"I LOVE IT WHEN JANEY SAYS HI.

"I LOVE IT WHEN JANEY SAYS, ’SEE YA IN ENGLISH !’

"I LOVE FOLLOWING JANEY TO THE MALL.

"AND I LOVE...

"COLLECTING STRANDS OF JANEY’S HAIR AND...

"ROLLING THEM UP INTO LITTLE JANEY...

"H-H-HAIRBALLS...

WITH--"

[ Sobbing, Whimpering ]

[ Continues Whimpering ]

THANK YOU, RICKY,

FOR THAT INTERESTING POEM.

[ Girls Giggling ]

I’M NOT SURE WE SHOULD BE DOING THIS. QUIET. I THINK I HEAR ’EM.

[ Kristi ] I CAN’T BELIEVE WE JUST DID ALL THAT STUFF TO EACH OTHER, MOLLY.

[ Molly ] IT WAS A ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME KIND OF EXPERIENCE, KRISTI,

THAT WILL NEVER, EVER HAPPEN AGAIN.

[ Mitch ] SHIT, WE MISSED IT. LET’S KEEP GOING.

HEY, I FOUND A BUFFALO NICKEL !

♪♪ [ Humming ]

HMM. [ Giggling ]

JACKPOT !

MITCH, GIRL GO PEE-PEE NOT SOMETHING I WANT TO SEE-SEE.

- I AGREE-GREE. - WOULD YOU TWO PLEASE TRY AND BE A LITTLE OPEN-MINDED ?

CLASS, LET’S OPEN OUR BOOKS...

AND CONTINUE WITH OUR POETRY LESSON.

[ Boy ] KNOW WHAT I THINK ABOUT POETRY? [ Blows Raspberry ]

OH, WAS-- WAS THAT AMUSING ? [ Chuckles ]

IS THAT WHAT YOUR GENERATION CONSIDERS... HUMOR ?

♪♪ [ Humming ]

[ Urinating ] THIS MAKE ME KIND OF HAPPY IN PANTS.

[ Farts ] MMM !

[ Juicy Flatulence Continues ]

- GOODNESS ! - THAT MAKE ME KIND OF SAD IN PANTS.

[ Flatulence Continues ] [ Gags ] BLEAAH !

SHAKESPEARE. MOLIERE.

OSCAR WILDE.

THESE WERE HUMORISTS.

[ Diarrheic Farting ] [ Groaning ]

I THINK I’M GONNA BE SICK.

THE SUBLIME, POETIC GENIUS...

OF A CLEVER TURN OF PHRASE.

THAT IS TRUE COMEDY.

[ Flatulence Continues ] OH ! HEAVENS TO BETSY.

- OHH. - [ Creaks ]

YOUR MODERN-DAY, MORONIC, FEEBLE-MINDED, SOPHOMORIC EXCUSE FOR WIT...

- [ Flatulence Continues ] - [ Gagging, Groaning ]

IS MERELY A PARADE OF NASTY,

- OHH ! - FILTHY, VULGAR...

[ All Screaming ]

HUMAN EXCREMENT !

[ Groaning, Yelling ]

[ Groaning, Coughing ]

[ Farts ]

EXCUSE ME. OHH !

HEY, JANEY. WHAT’S UP ? EXCUSE ME ?

LISTEN, YOU EVER WONDER WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE TO BE THE MOST POPULAR GIRL IN SCHOOL ?

YOU MEAN ANOREXIC, SUPERFICIAL, A BITCH,

A WHORE WHO LACKS ANY REAL LONG-TERM GOALS ?

EXACTLY.

SO, IF YOU’RE INTERESTED I THOUGHT MAYBE WE COULD GO OUT SOME TIME,

BE SEEN IN PUBLIC TOGETHER.

YOU HAVEN’T SPOKEN TO ME IN FOUR YEARS, JAKE.

ACTUALLY, IT’S MORE LIKE SIX.

THE TIME YOU’RE REFERRING TO, WHEN WE WERE STANDING IN LINE IN THAT MOVIE THEATER,

I WAS ACTUALLY SAYING "HEY" TO THE PERSON RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

OKAY, WE’RE DOWN A CHEERLEADER...

FOR FRIDAY NIGHT’S STATE CHAMPIONSHIP GAME AGAINST NORTH COMPTON,

AND THAT SQUAD ALWAYS TRIES TO BRING IT.

BRING WHAT, PRISCILLA ? BRING IT.

RIGHT, BUT WHAT IS "IT" ?

IT’S JUST WHAT THEY BRING. OKAY ?

NEW GIRL.

HI, I’M SANDY SUE,

AND I JUST WANNA SAY THAT IT IS SIMPLY SWELL TO MEET ALL OF YOU.

PEACHY. I ASSUME YOU BROUGHT A ROUTINE.

OH, YOU BETCHA.

GIVE ME AN "H," GIVE ME A "U," GIVE ME A--

GIANT PUSSY LICKING ASS FUCKER COCK SHIT !

I’M SORRY. UM, THAT WAS MY TOURETTE’S.

[ Mutters ] I DON’T KNOW ABOUT HER.

OKAY, LET’S GET ONE THING STRAIGHT.

THIS IS NOT A "CHEER-OCRACY."

I AM THE "CHEER-TATOR," I MAKE THE "CHEER-CISIONS" AROUND HERE,

AND I WILL DEAL WITH THE "CHEER-ONSEQUENCES."

NOW, IF THERE ARE NO MORE "CHEER-UPTIONS," WE CAN "CHEER-TINUE."

[ Whispers ] THANK YOU.

GRANDPA STUCK HIS FINGER UP MY ASS ! COME-FACE ! [ Grunts ]

SHE’LL "CHEER-DO." OKAY.

- [ Whistle Blows ] - [ Coach ] GODDAMN IT, LET’S GO NOW !

THIRTY-TWO CRAWL !

GODDAMN IT, LET’S SHOW SOME GODDAMN HUSTLE !

[ Boy ] LET’S GO ! [ Coach ] LOOK ALIVE OUT THERE !

THIS ISN’T A GODDAMN TRYOUT, YOU KNOW, GODDAMN IT !

BLUE 21 ! BLUE 21 ! HUT !

WHAT THE HELL’S GOING ON ? GODDAMN IT, NOBODY’S COVERING THAT HOLE OUT THERE !

GODDAMN IT, LET’S DO IT AGAIN ! COME ON !

[ Crowd Cheering, Chanting ] MARTY ! MARTY ! MARTY !

ALL RIGHT, MARTY ! HUH ?

[ Grunting ]

GET YOUR STUMPY LITTLE ASS IN THERE.

ARE YOU SURE, COACH ? JUST GO, GODDAMN IT !

WYLER, WE GOT THIS GODDAMN GAME WRAPPED UP.

ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS RUN OUT THE CLOCK.

[ Crowd Continues Chanting ] MARTY ! MARTY ! MARTY !

AND FOR GOD’S SAKE, DON’T TRY ANYTHING FANCY, GODDAMN IT !

ALL RIGHT, LISTEN TO ME, BOYS. WE GOT TIME FOR ONE MORE PLAY.

[ Chuckling ]

- I SAY WE GIVE THE BALL TO MARTY. - HUH ?

- DAMN ! - THAT’S OKAY.

I’M JUST HAPPY BEING ON THE FIELD.

BUT, JAKE, COACH RECKONED WE OUGHTA JUST TAKE A KNEE. WE’RE UP 42-NOTHIN’.

WELL, I DON’T CARE WHAT COACH "RECKONS."

YOU CAN’T GO THROUGH LIFE BEING SCARED, MARTY, ’CAUSE IF YOU DO YOU’LL ALWAYS WONDER, WHAT IF ?

BUT IF YOU GO OUT THERE AND YOU GIVE IT YOUR ALL, THAT’S HEROIC.

REALLY, GUYS, I APPRECIATE THIS, BUT--

THAT’S THE SPIRIT ! READY ? [ All ] HUT !

[ Crowd Cheering ]

HEY, WHAT YOU DOIN’, MAN ? GET OUTTA HERE !

NOT HERE, MARTY. DOWN THERE.

RIGHT HERE, RIGHT ?

SCREW, MAN ! OVER HERE !

OVER HERE ?

- [ Girl ] WE LOVE YOU, MARTY ! - SET ! HUT !

♪ I DON’T WANNA BE A LOSER ♪

♪ NO, I DON’T WANNA BE AN ALMOST-WAS ♪

♪ I DON’T WANNA BE A WHITE TRASH WORKING-CLASS CHUMP ♪

- NO ! NO ! - ♪ I DON’T WANNA BE A LOSER ANYMORE ♪

- NO, DON’T THROW IT TO ME ! - ♪ I WANNA BE A ROCK STAR ♪♪

NO !

[ Groans, Gasps ]

YES ! GO !

[ Gasps ] [ Crowd Gasping, Murmuring ]

OW ! [ Gasping, Murmuring Continue ]

[ Boy ] NICE HANDS, MARTY !

I DID IT ! [ Whistle Blows ]

I’M A HERO ! WALK IT OFF, MARTY !

[ Whistle Blows ] ALL RIGHT, GODDAMN IT !

LET’S HIT THE SHOWERS, GODDAMN IT !

[ Shouting, Talking ] YOU BUNCH OF CANDY-ASSES !

THAT WAS A LOUSY PRACTICE ! WE’RE GONNA GET OUR ASSES KICKED FRIDAY !

COACH, WHAT ABOUT FOURTH STRING ?

I DIDN’T EVEN GET TO PRACTICE.

WYLER, AFTER ALL THE GODDAMN SHENANIGANS YOU PULLED LAST SEASON,

YOU SHOULD BE THANKING GOD YOU’RE STILL IN GODDAMN UNIFORM, GODDAMN IT !

[ Groans, Coughs ]

IF MY PARENTS FIND OUT I GOT DETENTION, THEY’RE NOT GONNA LET ME EAT DESSERT FOR A WEEK.

WE HAVE DISGRACED OURSELVES AND OUR FAMILIES.

GUYS, GUYS, GUYS. I’M SENSING THE MORALE’S A LITTLE LOW HERE.

I SAY WE MAKE A PACT RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW.

BEFORE THE END OF THE YEAR, WE ALL GET LAID !

MITCH, WE ALWAYS MAKE THAT PACT.

BUT WE’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT SINCE WE HIT PUBERTY.

- THAT WAS TWO AND A HALF WEEKS AGO. - I JUST GOT FIRST HAIR ON BALL.

GUYS, I DON’T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I’M SAYING.

I’M TALKING ABOUT BECOMING THE MASTERS OF OUR SEXUAL DESTINY.

NO LONGER WILL OUR PENISES REMAIN FLACCID AND UNUSED.

NO LONGER WE STEAL GRANDFATHER’S PORN !

YEAH, NO LONGER WILL WE WEAR BLINDFOLDS WHEN WE’RE JERKING EACH OTHER OFF !

[ Man ] ALL RIGHT, THAT’S IT !

WHAT IN GOD’S NAME’S GOING ON IN HERE ?

WHAT WAS THAT RUCKUS ? I NO HEAR RUCKUS.

- I WAS JUST IN MY OFFICE. I HEARD A RUCKUS. - CAN YOU DESCRIBE THIS RUCKUS ?

OH, YOU’D BETTER WATCH YOUR TONGUE, YOUNG MAN. YOU’D BETTER WATCH IT !

- WE WERE JUST SITTING HERE LIKE WE WERE SUPPOSED TO. - I DON’T WANNA HEAR IT.

YOU JUST BOUGHT YOURSELF ANOTHER DETENTION.

- BUT THAT’S NOT FAIR. - CRY ME A RIVER, DICK-FACE.

- YOU JUST BOUGHT ANOTHER ONE. - [ Mutters ] EAT MY SHORTS.

WHAT WAS THAT ?

EAT.. MY... SHORTS.

- DON’T MESS WITH THE BULL. YOU’LL GET THE HORNS. - I’M SHAKING.

- YOU JUST GOT ANOTHER. - GOOD.

- YOU THROUGH ? - NOT EVEN CLOSE, BUD.

- YOU WANT ANOTHER ONE ? - YES.

YOU GOT IT ! GOOD.

- THAT’S ANOTHER ONE. YOU HAD ENOUGH YET ? - NO.

- THAT’S ANOTHER ONE. - SO ?

- JUST SAY THE WORD, I’LL KEEP GOING. - GO !

- EENIE-MEENIE-MINIE-- - MOE !

- YOUR MOTHER WAS A-- - HO !

- HE WAS A FAMOUS CLOWN. - BOBO !

MITCH, CUT IT OUT !

- [ Mouths Word ] - THAT’S ANOTHER ONE FOR YOU.

BUT I WAS JUST TELLING HIM-- THAT’S ANOTHER ONE.

- SO THAT MAKE ONE MORE FOR OX OR FOR MITCH ? - ANOTHER.

- I CONFUSED. - SHUT YOUR HOLE, WANG CHUNG.

I GOT ALL THREE OF YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR NATURAL-BORN LIVES. YOU’RE MINE.

THE NEXT TIME I COME IN HERE, I’M CRACKIN’ SKULLS.

♪♪

♪ HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY ♪

♪ OOOH-OOH-OOH-OOH ♪♪

[ Sighs ] OH, GOD, DAD. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU ? I’M NOT GOING TO PRINCETON.

LISTEN, I’M NOT PRESSURING YOU, SON.

ALL I’M SAYING IS, GIVE IT FOUR YEARS.

IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT, THERE’S ALWAYS A JOB WAITING FOR YOU AT MY FIRM.

I DON’T WANT YOUR LIFE.

THAT’S OKAY, SON. I HEARD ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN YOU AND PRISCILLA.

THE GOOD NEWS IS, I’VE GOT THE PERFECT REBOUND GIRL FOR YOU.

REALLY ?

BEVERLY. COULD YOU COME IN HERE ?

- DAD, THAT’S MOM. - WHAT DO YOU SAY, KIDDO ?

I’M JUST GONNA LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE.

MAKE ME PROUD, SON.

[ TV: Man ] SO, YOU IN LOVE ?

- YEAH, I THINK I AM. - WELL, WHO IS THIS GUY ?

HIS NAME IS BLANE. HE’S A SENIOR. HE’S SO BEAUTIFUL.

UM, HE’S A RICHIE.

[ TV: Man ] A WHAT-IE ?

[ TV: Girl ] RICHIE. JANEY ? SWEETHEART ?

[ TV Continues, Faint ] HI, DADDY.

IS SOMETHING WRONG ? YOU WERE AWFULLY QUIET AT DINNER TONIGHT.

DADDY, YOU WERE PASSED OUT ON THE TABLE.

[ Chuckles ]

LISTEN, HONEY,

I MAY NOT ALWAYS BE COHERENT OR CONSCIOUS,

BUT I KNOW WHEN MY LITTLE GIRL’S GOT SOMETHING ON HER MIND.

WELL, THERE IS THIS POPULAR BOY JAKE.

OH, SWEETIE.

JAKE KNOCKED YOU UP, DIDN’T HE ?

NO, HE ASKED ME OUT.

OH. WELL, DO YOU LIKE HIM ?

ARE YOU ATTRACTED TO HIM ?

I MEAN, WOULD YOU GIVE HIM HEAD ?

WELL, HE IS KINDA CUTE, BUT...

HE’S ALWAYS BEEN A TOTAL JERK.

IT’S JUST SO WEIRD THAT HE WOULD START TALKING TO ME NOW.

ESPECIALLY AFTER YOU’VE PACKED ON A COUPLE OF POUNDS.

[ Chuckling ] [ Uncomfortable Chuckle ]

UM, W-WHAT DO YOU THINK I SHOULD DO ?

[ Sighs ] LOOK, SWEETIE,

I WOULD NEVER, EVER WANT YOU TO DO ANYTHING THAT COMPROMISES WHO YOU ARE,

BECAUSE YOU ARE VERY, VERY SPECIAL TO ME.

AND IF THIS JAKE CHARACTER IS ONLY ASKING YOU OUT TO GET INTO YOUR PANTS,

WELL, THEN I’D SAY...

GO OUT WITH HIM.

I MEAN, LET’S BE HONEST. YOU COULD CERTAINLY USE THE POPULARITY POINTS.

AND IF JAKE REALLY LIKES YOU,

THEN MAYBE THOSE KIDS’LL QUIT THROWING BAGS OF SHIT ALL OVER THE PORCH.

[ Both Chuckling ]

[ Sighs ] WELL, I FEEL BETTER.

UM, THANKS FOR THE ADVICE, DADDY.

THAT’S WHAT I’M HERE FOR, PUMPKIN TITS.

CATHERINE, I NEED TO ASK YOU A FAVOR.

IT’S ABOUT TIME. NO, NOT THAT.

- [ Grunts ] - [ Cat Yowls ]

LISTEN, YOU’RE THE CRUELEST GIRL IN HIGH SCHOOL.

YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN HELP ME TRICK JANEY BRIGGS INTO LIKING ME.

WHOA. YOU DON’T MEAN THAT GIRL WITH THE GLASSES AND THE PONYTAIL, DO YOU ?

DON’T FORGET ABOUT THE PAINT-COVERED OVERALLS.

WELL,

IT’S GOING TO BE DIFFICULT,

BUT I THINK I CAN HELP YOU.

SIT.

FOR A PRICE.

AND THIS TIME I DON’T WANT YOUR CAR.

I WANT YOU.

OH, CATHERINE, THAT’S DISGUSTING.

[ Moans ] YOU’RE MY SISTER.

ONLY BY BLOOD. OH, GOD !

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS FAMILY ?

HEY ! DO YOU WANT... MY HELP... OR NOT ?

[ Grunts ] OKAY.

OKAY, THERE ARE THREE THINGS YOU NEED TO DO...

TO HAVE JANEY EATING OUT OF THE PALM OF YOUR HAND.

[ Students Chattering ] [ Catherine ] FIRST YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO EARN HER TRUST.

- [ Janey ] COME ON, GUYS ! LEAVE HIM ALONE ! - HEY !

COME ON, BACK OFF ! THAT’S ENOUGH, OKAY ?

[ Onlookers Gasping, Murmuring, Laughing ]

YOU LITTLE SHIT.

- [ Grunting ] - COME ON. NO.

[ Moaning, Whining ]

AND DON’T YOU GUYS MESS WITH HIM AGAIN.

[ Catherine ] ONCE YOU’VE GOT HER TRUST,

[ Amplified Thumping ] IT’S TIME TO MAKE HER FEEL SPECIAL.

PICK A SONG WITH HER NAME IN IT. THAT ALWAYS WORKS. [ Microphone Feedback ]

[ Jake On P.A. ] ♪ MM-DAH-MM-DAH-MMM ♪

- ♪ MM-DAH-MM-DAH-MMM ♪ - HUH ?

♪ MM-DAH-MM-DAH-MMM ♪

♪ MM-DAH-MM-DAH-MMM ♪

♪ MMMMMM ♪

♪ JANEY’S GOT A GUN ♪

♪ JANEY BRIGGS GOT A GUN ♪

SHE’S GOT A GUN ! JANEY’S GOT A GUN !

♪ JANEY’S COME UNDONE ♪ WHAT ?

- [ All Screaming ] - ♪ JANEY BRIGGS GOT A GUN ♪

UH-- WHAT ? ♪ SO RUN AWAY RUN AWAY ♪

- ♪ FROM THE PAIN, YEAH ♪ - TAKE IT EASY, MISS.

NO, WAIT-- HEY, GET BACK HERE !

♪ RUN AWAY RUN AWAY FROM THE PAIN ♪♪

HOLD HER DOWN ! HOLD HER DOWN ! [ Electrical Crackling ]

[ Crackling Continues ] GIVE ME HER HAND ! [ Grunts ]

GIVE US THE GUN, JANEY. JESUS !

[ Catherine ] AFTER YOU’VE SUCCEEDED IN MAKING HER FEEL SPECIAL,

IT’S TIME TO PUT THE ICING ON THE CAKE.

I’M REALLY GLAD YOU SHOWED UP, JANEY.

LISTEN, JAKE, THE ONLY REASON THAT I CAME HERE WAS TO TELL YOU TO LEAVE ME ALONE.

YOU KNOW, I WAS JUST MAKING A SNACK.

YOU WANT ONE ?

NO.

LISTEN, JAKE, I-- I’LL BE RIGHT BACK.

BUT I REA--

♪♪ [ Humming ]

[ Sighs ]

HUNGRY ?

I DON’T LIKE SUNDAES.

OH, IT’S NOT A SUNDAE. IT’S A BANANA SPLIT.

I DON’T LIKE THOSE EITHER.

GOOD-BYE, JAKE.

[ Door Opens, Closes ] [ Sighs ]

♪♪

♪ OH, YEAH ♪

NOW, PRESTON, I LEFT SOME MONEY ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER.

♪ OH, YEAH ♪♪ AND THE EMERGENCY NUMBERS ARE BY THE PHONE.

- AND REMEMBER, SON, NO PARTIES. - I KNOW, DAD, I KNOW.

KEG’S COMIN’ THROUGH. HEY, PRESTON.

WHAT’S UP, MAN ?

WE’RE TRUSTING YOU, PRESTON. WHERE DO YOU WANT THESE SPEAKERS SET UP, PRESTON ?

JUST MOVE ALL THE SHIT IN THE DINING ROOM.

YOU GUYS REALLY SHOULD HIT THE ROAD, HUH ?

’CAUSE I’M ABOUT TO TAKE YOUR ANTIQUE FERRARI TO THE INNER CITY TO BUY SOME HOOKERS.

ALL RIGHT. WE’LL CALL LATER.

BY THAT POINT, I’LL BE SO HIGH I WON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE THE PHONE IS.

[ Giggles ] THAT’S MY BOY.

[ Makes Kissing Noise ]

JAKE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE ?

I’M TAKING YOU TO PRESTON WASSERSTEIN’S BIG PARTY.

I CAN’T. I MEAN, I-- I’M NOT DRESSED TO GO TO A PARTY.

LOOK AT ME. I’M A COMPLETE MESS.

I’D SAY YOU’RE ONE BIG FUCKING TRAIN WRECK.

[ Janey ] DO I KNOW YOU ?

HMM.

AAH.

[ Sniffs ]

THAT’S IT. I’VE GOT IT.

WHAT ?

IT MIGHT SEEM CRAZY, BUT YOU’RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO TRUST ME.

THAT’S IT.

I DID IT. I’M A MIRACLE WORKER.

GENTLEMEN, MAY I PRESENT TO YOU...

THE NEW AND IMPROVED JANEY BRIGGS.

♪♪

♪♪

♪ KISS ME ♪

♪ OUT OF THE BEARDED BARLEY ♪

♪ NIGHTLY ♪

♪ BESIDE THE GREEN GREEN GRASS ♪

♪ SWING, SWING ♪

♪ SWING THE SPINNING STEP ♪

♪ YOU WEAR THOSE SHOES AND I WILL ♪

♪ WEAR THAT DRESS ♪ CONGRATULATIONS. YOU JUST GOT YOUR FIRST SLOW-MOTION ENTRANCE.

♪ KISS ME ♪

♪ BENEATH THE MILKY TWILIGHT ♪

♪ LEAD ME ♪ OOPS.

♪ OUT ON THE MOONLIT FLOOR ♪

♪ LIFT YOUR OPEN HAND ♪♪ [ Grunting ]

AAH !

[ Janey ] AAH ! OOH ! AAH !

I’M OKAY !

UH, JANEY ? OW.

COME ON OUTTA THERE, HONEY. QUIT FARTIN’ AROUND.

GOT YOUR MOM’S CAR KEYS ?

CHECK.

SLEEPING BAGS. CHECK. CHECK.

CONDOMS. CHECK. CHECK.

3 PUBESCENT LIBIDOS THAT WILL TAKE US ON A SERIES OF WACKY MISHAPS AND WILD ADVENTURES ?

[ Together ] CHECK ! ROAD TRIP !

♪♪

♪ I LIKE THE NIGHT LIFE BABY ♪

♪ SHE SAYS ♪

♪ LET’S GO ♪♪ WE HERE.

GENTLEMEN, TONIGHT WE ARE GOING TO OUR FIRST BIG HIGH SCHOOL PARTY.

NOW, IF THERE IS ANY PLACE TO BUZZ THE BRILLO, THIS IS IT.

HOW YOU PLAN ON BUZZING BRILLO ?

WITH THIS LETTER.

NOW AMANDA BECKER WILL FINALLY KNOW THE TRUTH--

THAT I HAVE LOVED HER SINCE THE FIRST TIME I SAW HER.

♪♪ [ Rock ] WELCOME TO THE PARTY, GUYS.

IF YOU’RE GONNA HAVE SEX, PLEASE DO IT IN MY PARENTS’ BEDROOM.

[ All Chattering, Laughing ]

[ Girl # 1 ] DOES THAT GIRL GO TO OUR SCHOOL ? [ Girl #2 ] JANEY BRIGGS !

IT’S, LIKE, NOT EVEN THE SAME PERSON ! WOW !

JANEY STAINED OVERALLS ? I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU TALKED ME INTO THIS.

[ Girl #1 ] PRISCILLA MUST BE FREAKING OUT...

NOW THAT JANEY’S LOST HER GLASSES AND PONYTAIL.

WELL, I’M GOING TO GO FUCK A COMPLETE STRANGER. I’LL SEE YOU GUYS LATER.

[ Boy ] HEY, I’M A COMPLETE STRANGER. I’M A COMPLETE STRANGER !

RELAX, ALL RIGHT ? IT’S GONNA BE OKAY.

[ Boy ] NICE TURTLENECK.

SO, WHAT’S YOUR NAME ?

WHY, I’M SANDY SUE--

LIMP-DICKED FAG FUCKER ! OKAY, WHO TOLD YOU THAT ?

WAS IT ALISON ? ’CAUSE ALISON WAS REALLY BITTER WHEN WE BROKE UP.

[ Girl #1 ] 100% COMPLETELY FAKE.

[ Girl #2 ] I AGREE. THAT’S NOT HER NATURAL HAIR COLOR.

I CAN’T BELIEVE SHE’S WEARING THE SAME OUTFIT AS ME.

IT LOOKS MUCH BETTER ON YOU.

WHERE IS SHE ? I THOUGHT SHE’D BE HERE BY NOW.

WHAT’S GOING ON ? SHH !

[ Muttering ] WE CAN’T TALK UNTIL SHE STARTS MOVING AGAIN.

[ Girl ] SHE TOOK FOREVER THIS TIME !

[ Clears Throat ] WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE ?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN ?

WELL, I’M SUPPOSED TO BE THE ONLY BLACK GUY AT THIS PARTY.

OH ! DAMN !

SHIT. YEAH, I KNOW.

[ Together ] IT’S WHACK.

HEY, MAN, MY BAD. TAKE THIS, MAN. THANKS.

DO YOUR THING. HEY.

PEACE OUT, BROTHER. HEY, HONEST MISTAKE.

I’LL JUST WALK OUT. ALL RIGHT.

YEAH.

HI. MY NAME IS CATHERINE.

YEAH, I KNOW.

WE JUST HAD SEX FIVE MINUTES AGO.

NOT SCORING ANY COCK EITHER ?

COCK ?

I’VE NEVER EVEN BEEN KISSED.

HMM.

WHAT UP, MY YELLOW BROTHERS ?

CHINKS IN THE HOUSE !

HMMPH.

♪♪ [ Continues ]

REGGIE RAY. [ Chuckling ]

HAVE YOU SEEN JANEY ANYWHERE ?

IT’S A GOOD NIGHT FOR SMOKIN’.

[ Moaning ] AIN’T THAT RIGHT, SAUSAGE ?

[ Burps ]

OKAY.

NOW CLOSE YOUR EYES AND WET YOUR LIPS.

ARE YOU FOR REAL ?

DO YOU WANT TO LEARN OR NOT ?

I GUESS.

SEE ? THAT WASN’T SO SCARY.

IT WAS NOTHING.

OKAY.

LET’S TRY AGAIN.

ONLY THIS TIME, I’M GONNA STICK MY TONGUE IN YOUR MOUTH.

AND WHEN I DO THAT,

I WANT YOU TO MASSAGE MY TONGUE WITH YOURS.

AND THAT’S WHAT FIRST BASE IS.

OKAY.

EYES CLOSED.

♪♪

♪♪

THAT WAS COOL.

NOW, HAVE YOU EVER EATEN PUSSY BEFORE ?

[ Chattering, Laughing ]

YOU CALL THIS A PARTY ?

I’M A GOLDEN GODDESS !

[ Boy ] SHOW US HOW DRUNK YOU ARE !

[ Girl ] GO FOR IT ! [ Cheering, Shouting ]

[ Boy ] YOU’RE A UNIQUE REBEL, JANEY !

SORRY. JANEY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT ?

I TOLD YOU NOT TO LET ME DRINK.

JANEY, I GAVE YOU A NON-ALCOHOLIC BEER.

OH.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE ?

I-- I WAS INVITED.

LOOK, YOU MAY HAVE LOST THOSE GLASSES AND THAT PONYTAIL THING YOU DO,

BUT TO EVERYONE THAT MATTERS, YOU’RE STILL A LOSER.

- [ All Gasping ] - [ Gasps ]

OOPSIE.

[ Laughs ] LOOK AT THAT.

OH, MY GOD. OH, OH, OH.

[ Girl ] OH, GEE, THAT’S GONNA STAIN !

OH. YOU’RE NOT GONNA CRY NOW, ARE YOU ?

- [ Sighs ] - OH.

[ Sobbing ]

[ Continues Sobbing, Wailing ]

LOOK,

YOU CAN’T JUST START A SLOW CLAP AT ANY OLD TIME.

YOU GOTTA WAIT FOR THE RIGHT MOMENT.

BUT HOW AM I GOING TO KNOW WHEN IT’S THE RIGHT MOMENT ?

OH,

YOU’LL KNOW.

NOBODY’S ALLOWED DOWN HERE.

LISTEN, JANEY, I JUST THOUGHT--

HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE ? I DEAD-BOLTED THE DOOR.

THERE’S A HOLE IN THE SIDE OF YOUR HOUSE.

WHO’S THAT ?

IT’S MY MOTHER.

YOU HAVE HER EYES.

SHE DIED WHEN I WAS SIX.

OH. I’M SORRY.

I REMEMBER IT LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY.

CHRISTMAS, 1989.

DAD HAD JUST GOTTEN FIRED FROM THE ZIPPER FACTORY,

MOM WAS STILL PULLING IN TRICKS TO MAKE ENDS MEET,

- DANIEL DAY-LEWIS WON AN OSCAR FOR MY LEFT FOOT, - HMM.

AND ALL I WANTED WAS ONE OF THOSE LITTLE BETSY WETSY DOLLS.

I REMEMBER THOSE. YOU PUSH HER BELLY, SHE’D PISS ALL OVER HERSELF.

SHE SAID SHE WAS GOING OUT TO GET MY DAD A BOTTLE OF GIN, BUT...

I KNEW SHE WAS GOING TO GET ME THAT PRESENT.

IT WAS RAINING REALLY HARD THAT NIGHT. [ Rain Falling ]

THE ROADS WERE... SLIPPERY.

OH, GOD, JANEY. [ Tires Screeching ]

[ Crash ] A CAR ACCIDENT.

NO. CANCER.

[ Sighs ]

IT WAS SO HARD. I HAD TO TAKE ON ALL OF HER RESPONSIBILITIES.

THE COOKING AND CLEANING AND BREAST-FEEDING MITCH.

OH, JANEY, THAT’S ALL IN THE PAST NOW.

YOU GOTTA START THINKING ABOUT YOUR FUTURE. LOOK HOW TALENTED YOU ARE.

I HAVE THIS DREAM OF ONE DAY JUST HOPPING ON A PLANE AND GOING TO PARIS.

THERE’S AN ART SCHOOL THERE, BUT I CAN’T AFFORD IT.

UNLESS I FOUND SOME WAY OF RAISING $26,000 BEFORE THE ADMISSIONS CUT-OFF.

OH, MY GOD, JANEY.

MY PARENTS GIVE A SCHOLARSHIP TO A GIRL WHO CAN’T GET INTO ART SCHOOL EVERY YEAR.

REALLY ? THAT’S AMAZING !

YEAH. THIS YEAR WE GAVE IT TO LUPE RODRIGUEZ, THE MEXICAN FINGER-PAINTER.

I THINK YOU’D REALLY LIKE HER WORK.

SOMETIMES I JUST--

I WISH MY LIFE WAS A FAIRY TALE...

AND SOME GUY WOULD JUST COME AND TAKE ME AWAY FROM ALL THIS.

SHH.

OH ! OH, UM-- OH--

[ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ]

I-I WAS-- YEAH.

MY EYES WERE SHUT, AND I WAS GONNA-- RIGHT, AND WE COULDN’T--

TO-- WHOO. [ Chuckles ]

UH,

I’M GONNA, UM--

NO, I’M GONNA, UM-- I’M GONNA GO. YEAH, UM-- OKAY.

[ Woman On P.A. ] CONGRATULATIONS GO OUT TO ALL THE YOUNG MEN AND WOMEN...

NOMINATED FOR PROM QUEEN.

YOU THINK YOU’RE GONNA BE PROM QUEEN ? WELL, THINK AGAIN, JANEY.

BECAUSE YOU PUT THE "ASS" IN "EMBARRASSMENT," THE "BOO" IN "TABOO"...

AND THE "SUCK" IN "LIPOSUCTION."

IS THAT THE BEST YOU CAN DO ?

NO.

YOU ALSO PUT THE "BRAT" IN "BRATWURST"...

AND THE "OOH" IN "JUJITSU"...

AND THE "ISM" IN "THIS IS ALL JUST A DEFENSE MECHANISM" !

[ Austin ] SO I TOLD HER, "YOU TAKE THE OLD LADY AND SEND YOUR MAMA BACK IN."

[ Laughing ]

SO, WYLER, YOU ASKED YOUR FOUR-EYED CIRCUS FREAK TO THE PROM YET ?

[ Together ] WE RESENT THAT ! [ Disgusted Sigh ]

JUST DROP IT. OKAY, AUSTIN ?

WHOA, LOOKS LIKE JAKE HERE’S MADE A FEW PAINT STAINS IN HIS PANTS...

THINKING ABOUT JANEY.

IT’S JUST A BET. OKAY, MAN ?

YOU ALWAYS DID HAVE A THING FOR BUTT-UGLY GIRLS,

MR. I HAVE A THING FOR BUTT-UGLY GIRLS.

[ Laughing ]

I’M JUST-- ARE YOU TALKIN’ ’BOUT JANEY ?

’CAUSE I SAW HER AT THE PARTY AND SHE WAS LOOKIN’ GOOD AS A DUMPSTER FILLED WITH GRISTLES.

BLING-BLING !

JANEY BRIGGS...

IS HOT.

HEY, JANEY. OH ! HEY, JAKE.

LISTEN, I’VE BEEN DOING A LOT OF THINKING.

THE THING IS, THERE’S SOMETHING I WANT TO ASK YOU.

I DON’T WANNA MAKE A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT AND DRAG IT OUT,

SO I’M JUST GONNA LAY IT OUT THERE, OKAY ?

HERE IT IS.

SEE, I DON’T LIKE MAKING BIG SPEECHES. [ Chuckles ]

I’M A STRAIGHT SHOOTER. I-I-I CALL ’EM LIKE I SEE ’EM.

W-W-WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET.

A-AIN’T NOBODY GONNA BREAK-A MY STRIDE.

AIN’T NOBODY GONNA SLOW ME DOWN.

OH, NO-- JAKE.

ARE YOU TRYING TO ASK ME TO THE--

YEAH. [ Stammering ]

I’D LOVE TO GO WITH YOU.

GREAT !

GREAT. [ Chuckles ]

UH--

UM, I’LL SEE YOU IN ENGLISH.

[ Gasps ] YOU--

ALL RIGHT, IT’S TIME TO PLAY SOME FOOTBALL !

TONIGHT, THE JOHN HUGHES WASPS DEFEND THEIR TITLE...

AGAINST THE NORTH COMPTON WILDCATS !

[ Whistle Blows ]

[ Grunting, Shouting ]

GODDAMN !

WOW, THAT WAS THE FASTEST FIRST HALF OF FOOTBALL I’VE EVER SEEN !

DON’T THINK YOU’RE FOOLING US. WE SAW YOU AT OUR PRACTICE. I KNOW YOU STOLE OUR ROUTINE.

OKAY, I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT, BECAUSE WE’VE ALWAYS DONE OUR OWN CHEERS.

- RIGHT, GIRLS ? - [ Both ] THAT’S RIGHT.

WELL, THEN, YOU BETTER BRING IT.

OH, IT’S ALREADY BEEN BROUGHT-ED.

[ Girl ] NICE COMEBACK, PRISCILLA ! YEAH !

WE ARE THE NORTH COMPTON WILDCATS !

WE’RE BLACK ! WE KNOW IT ! WE SHAKE OUR BIG BOOTIES AND SHOW IT !

WE AIN’T WHITE ! WE AIN’T WHITE !

WE DEFINITELY AIN’T WHITE ! BREAK IT DOWN, NIGGAS !

♪♪ [ Hip-Hop ]

DAMN ! THOSE BITCHES REPRESENT !

♪♪ [ Continues ]

- [ Crowd Cheering ] - WHOO ! ALL RIGHT !

HEY, REGGIE RAY. I SMELL A BET.

YOU ALL RIGHT ?

COACH SAYS IT’S ALL RIGHT TO BLEED FROM THE EARS.

I GOTTA GO BACK OUT ON THE FIELD.

ALL RIGHT. JUST BE CAREFUL. YOU KNOW, YOU ONLY HAVE THREE-- LET’S GO, WASPS !

[ Grunts ] TWO CONCUSSIONS LEFT.

REGGIE RAY.

- AND WE’RE BACK FOR THE SECOND HALF. - [ Crowd Cheering ]

LET’S GO, WASPS !

LET’S GO, WASPS ! [ Muttering ]

LET’S GO, WASPS !

- [ Moaning ] - BLUE 33 !

HUT !

- [ Whistle Blows ] - [ Coach ] THAT’S DEFENSE RIGHT THERE, BABY !

OH ! SAY G’DAY TO REGGIE RAY.

[ Bell Dings ]

SIT DOWN, BOY. HE JUST GOT THE WIND KNOCKED OUT OF HIM.

[ Man ] COME ON, REGGIE RAY ! GET UP !

- REGGIE RAY ! - YOU STILL HAVE ANOTHER CONCUSSION !

COME ON, BIG DOG.

DOESN’T LOOK GOOD, COACH.

CAN HE PLAY ? HE’S IN A COMA.

ANSWER MY QUESTION ! CAN HE PLAY ?

I DON’T EVEN THINK HE CAN BREATHE. WE GOTTA GET HIM TO A HOSPITAL IMMEDIATELY.

YOU LISTEN TO ME RIGHT NOW ! I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO !

REGGIE RAY STAYS IN THE GAME, GODDAMN IT !

[ Hawking Phlegm ]

[ Cheering ]

HOLY SHIT ! THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S HEAVY.

BLUE 15 !

SET ! HUT !

- [ Squeaks ] - GODDAMN IT, REGGIE RAY !

- [ Growling ] - AW, SHIT !

AAAH !

WHOO-HOO-HOO-HOO !

WHAM, BAM ! WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED ?

[ Groaning ]

OKAY, WYLER, I’VE GOT NO CHOICE.

YOU’RE THE ONLY QUARTERBACK I’VE GOT LEFT.

[ Jake’s Voice ] I SAY WE GIVE THE BALL TO MARTY.

[ Coach’s Voice ] ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS RUN OUT THE CLOCK.

[ Voices Overlapping ]

[ Marty’s Voice ] I’M A HERO !

WYLER, GODDAMN IT ! GET YOUR PANSY ASS IN THE GAME !

YOU’RE OUR ONLY CHANCE, GODDAMN IT !

YOU’RE A PUSSY, WYLER ! DO IT FOR MARTY’S TORSO !

- YOU GOT BUTTERFLIES, HUH ? - WHO ARE YOU ?

I’M THE WISE JANITOR.

I’M HERE TO IMPART KNOWLEDGE, HELP YOUNGSTERS OVERCOME THEIR FEARS.

ALSO REPLACE THE SANITARY CAKES IN THE URINALS.

BUT RIGHT NOW, I’M HERE TO HELP YOU GET YOUR THROW BACK.

HOW DID YOU-- I’VE BEEN WATCHING YOU, KID, DURIN’ PRACTICE,

IN THE HALLWAYS, IN THE LOCKER ROOMS, TAKING A SHOWER,

WHUPPIN’ OTHER BOYS WITH A WET TOWEL. [ Grunts ]

I CAN TELL YOU KINDA LIKE THAT. WHOA. HEY.

LET’S JUST GET BACK TO THE THROW, OKAY ?

LOOK, THE THING THAT HAPPENED WITH MARTY ? IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT.

REALLY ? OKAY, IT WAS YOUR FAULT.

BUT THE POINT IS, YOU GOT TO GET OVER IT. IT COULD’VE HAPPENED TO ANYBODY.

ANYBODY THAT DISOBEYED THE COACH’S ORDERS AND THE TEAM’S WISHES...

AND THREW A BULLET PASS TO A SLIGHTLY RETARDED 90-POUND KID...

WHO SHOULD’VE NEVER HAVE BEEN ON THE FIELD IN THE FIRST PLACE. WHOA. STOP.

HOW IS ANY OF THIS SUPPOSED TO BE HELPING ME ? YOU’RE RIGHT.

FORGET ABOUT WHAT I SAID. THE MAIN THING, YOU GOTTA GO OUT THERE.

BELIEVE IN THE BALL AND THROW YOURSELF.

YOU CAN DO IT.

I’M GOIN’ OUT THERE.

[ Announcer ] ONLY 25 SECONDS REMAINING,

AND THE FATE OF THE SEASON RESTS IN THE HANDS OF FOURTH-STRING QUARTERBACK...

JAKE WYLER.

TRANSLATION: WE’RE SHIT OUT OF LUCK.

- GIVE ME A "W" ! - "W" !

GIVE ME A "Y" ! "Y" !

GIVE ME A-- LICK MY PUSSY ASS COCK SHIT !

LICK MY PUSSY ASS COCK SHIT !

- WHOO ! - [ All Cheering ]

BLUE 83 !

BLUE 83 ! REGGIE RAY ?

I RECKON I’M FEELING MUCH BETTER.

SET ! HUT !

♪ THERE GOES MY HERO ♪

♪ WATCH HIM AS HE GOES ♪

♪ THERE GOES MY HERO ♪

♪ HE’S ORDINARY ♪♪

OH, SHIT.

- [ All Groaning ] - [ Bell Dings ]

[ Quiet Groaning ]

THAT HAS TO BE THE WORST PASS I’VE EVER SEEN... EVER !

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ?

[ One Person Clapping Slowly ]

[ Pig Squealing ]

JAKE ?

JAKE.

HEY. YOU DID GREAT OUT THERE.

I BLEW THE GAME, JANEY. I LET EVERYONE DOWN.

IT’S JUST A FOOTBALL GAME, JAKE.

BESIDES,

YOU DIDN’T LET ME DOWN.

REALLY ?

[ Groaning ] JAKE, YOU’VE TAUGHT ME TO BE MYSELF.

YOU NEVER SAW ME AS THE GIRL IN GLASSES AND A PONYTAIL.

DON’T FORGET ABOUT THE PAINT-COVERED OVERALLS.

RIGHT, YOU NEVER NOTICED THOSE EITHER.

YOU’VE TAUGHT ME A LOT ABOUT MYSELF TOO, JANEY.

OH, JAKE.

NOTHING COULD EVER COME BETWEEN US NOW.

JAKE WYLER.

SO CONGRATULATIONS, MAN. YOU JUST BLEW MY PERFECT SEASON.

SENOR, YOU JUST BLEW MY PERFECT SEASON.

- WHAT DO YOU WANT, AUSTIN ? - A LIFE.

AND PAYBACK.

COME ON, MAN. DON’T DO THIS.

NO, MAN, I THINK I’LL HANG AROUND,

MAYBE TELL JANEY A LITTLE S-E-C-R-A-T-P.

UH--

WHAT’S GOING ON ?

- AUSTIN. - [ Inhales ]

- AUSTIN, THIS ISN’T FUNNY ! - [ Whispering ]

NO.

I DON’T BELIEVE IT. ALL RIGHT, JANEY.

I SAID I COULD TURN YOU INTO PROM QUEEN,

BUT THAT’S WHEN I THOUGHT YOU WERE JUST UGLY JANEY BRIGGS, THE GIRL WITH NO FRIENDS...

AND WHO WAS DIRT POOR AND SMELLED A LITTLE FUNKY.

- [ Sighs ] - LOOK, I MADE A MISTAKE.

IF I COULD GO BACK NOW, I NEVER WOULD’VE MADE THAT STUPID BET.

[ Pig Squealing ] WHAT BET ?

WHOA. I NEVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT A BET.

[ Blubbering, Sobbing ]

ALL I SAID WAS, "I’M PRETENDING TO WHISPER A BIG SECRET IN YOUR EAR...

"SO THAT JAKE THINKS I’M TELLING YOU A BIG SECRET,

"WHICH WILL CAUSE HIM TO BREAK INTO A HYSTERICAL CONFESSION WHERE HE REVEALS A BIG SECRET,

THUS CONFIRMING EVERYTHING I JUST WHISPERED IN YOUR EAR."

♪ I WISH I DIDN’T MAKE THAT BET ♪

♪ THAT’S NOT THE GUY I WANT TO BE ♪

♪ IF I COULD JUST TURN BACK THE CLOCK ♪

♪ THEN JANEY WOULD STILL BE ♪

♪ WITH ME ♪

♪ TELL ME, MOM WHAT SHOULD I DO ♪

♪ I LOVE THIS BOY BUT HE HAS BEEN ♪

♪ UNTRUE ♪

♪ I’LL DO MY BEST TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT ♪

♪ I WISH WE COULD RESOLVE THIS FIGHT ♪

♪ IT COULD HAPPEN ♪

♪ IT COULD HAPPEN ♪

[ Both ] ♪ AT THE PROM TONIGHT ♪

♪ I’M GETTING PUSSY NO MATTER WHAT ♪

♪ EVEN IF IT WITH DIRTY SLUT ♪

♪ TRUE LOVE IS WHAT I WANT THE MOST ♪

♪ I JUST JERKED OFF IN YOUR FRENCH TOAST ♪

♪ SO WHAT IF WE HAVE THE SAME MOTHER ♪

♪ TONIGHT I’M GONNA FUCK MY BROTHER ♪

♪ IN A FEW HOURS I’LL BE QUEEN OF THE PROM ♪

♪ I’VE BEEN AN ALCOHOLIC SINCE MY FIRST TOUR IN ’NAM ♪

♪ I ASKED JANEY TO THE PROM AND SHE DOESN’T KNOW WHY ♪

♪ I’M ONLY IN THIS SONG BECAUSE I’M A BLACK GUY ♪

HEY ! LOOK OUT. [ Material Ripping ]

♪ I HAVE NO MONEY ♪

♪ I HAVE TO MAKE MY OWN DRESS ♪ AAH !

♪ LOOK AT ME ♪

♪ MY BREASTS ARE PERKY YES ♪

♪ YES ♪

♪ I’M GONNA WIN HER BACK NO MATTER WHAT IT TAKES ♪

♪ HERE I GO I’M GONNA FORGET ABOUT JAKE ♪

♪ PROM TONIGHT DO-DO, DO-DO-DO ♪

♪ PROM TONIGHT DO-DO, DO-DO-DO ♪

♪ PROM TONIGHT DO-DO, DO-DO-DO ♪

♪ AH-AH ♪

♪ IT’S GONNA HAPPEN ♪ ♪ GONNA HAPPEN ♪

♪ GONNA HAPPEN ♪

♪ AT THE PROM ♪

♪ TONIGHT ♪♪

[ Sighing, Panting ]

♪ I NEED YOU NOW LIKE I NEEDED YOU THEN ♪

♪ YOU ALWAYS SAID WE’D STILL BE FRIENDS ♪

♪ I TOUCH YOU ONCE ♪♪

WHEN I WAS A FRESHMAN,

I THREW 176... TOUCHDOWN PASSES.

MY SOPHOMORE YEAR, I RAN 14 IN ON MY OWN...

WITH A SPRAINED ANKLE, A BROKEN PHALANGE,

A RUPTURED DUODENUM AND A "SUBDERMAL" HEMATOMA.

♪ SCOOBY-DOOBY DOO-BOP ♪

♪ SCOO-SCOOBY-DOOBY DOOBY-DOOBY-DOOBY DO-BOP, YEAH ♪♪

I BET SHE GREAT BONK.

EXCUSE ME, BRUCE ? NO, YOU DO NOT BONK AMANDA BECKER.

YOU MAKE SWEET, SWEET LOVE TO HER.

AMANDA BECKER’S LIKE A FLOWER.

YOU SMELL HER. YOU TOUCH HER GENTLY.

YOU ADMIRE THE BEAUTY. YOU WATCH IT BLOSSOM.

AND YOU THANK GOD HE CREATED SOMETHING SO PERFECT.

♪ I KNOW THIS MUCH ♪

♪ IS TRUE ♪ GO TO HER.

♪ AH-HA-HA-HA-HA ♪

♪ I KNOW THIS ♪ UM, AM-AMANDA.

♪ AH-HA-HA-HA-HA ♪♪ [ Ox ] BE STRONG, MITCH.

WHAT DO YOU EXPECT FROM ME ?

DO YOU THINK I’M JUST GONNA HAVE SEX WITH YOU ?

NO. NO, NO. YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND.

’CAUSE I AM NOT SOME KIND OF CHEAP SLUT.

I DON’T SCREW EVERY PATHETIC GUY THAT GIVES ME A LETTER.

I GIVE THEM HAND JOBS.

♪ HEY ♪

♪ HEY ♪

♪ HEY ♪

♪ HEY ♪ WANNA DANCE ?

ONLY IF WE’RE HORIZONTAL.

I TOTALLY HEARD THAT.

♪ HEY ♪

♪ HEY ♪

WE’RE DANCING.

♪ I KNOW A GIRL WHO’S TOUGH BUT SWEET ♪

WHOO-HOO-HOO !

♪ SHE’S SO FINE SHE CAN’T BE BEAT ♪

♪ SHE’S GOT EVERYTHING THAT I DESIRE ♪

♪ SHE SETS THE SUMMER SUN ON FIRE ♪

OOH !

♪ I WANT CANDY ♪

IT’S FUNNY, ISN’T IT ?

YOU WOULD NEVER SUSPECT THAT EVERYONE AT THIS SCHOOL IS A PROFESSIONAL DANCER.

♪ I WANT CANDY ♪

- ♪ I WANT CANDY ♪ - OH, GOD ! NO.

I WANNA DO IT RIGHT HERE ON THE DANCE FLOOR. JANEY !

DON’T YOU FORGET OUR DEAL. SHE WINS, YOU’RE MINE.

♪ HEY ♪

♪ HEY ♪♪

[ Cheering, Whooping ]

AND NOW, THE MOMENT EVERY POPULAR GUY...

WHO’S MADE A BET TO TURN A UNIQUELY REBELLIOUS GIRL INTO PROM QUEEN...

HAS BEEN WAITING FOR.

THE ANNOUNCEMENT OF THIS YEAR’S PROM KING AND QUEEN.

THIS YEAR’S PROM KING IS...

♪♪ [ Drum Roll ] [ Boy ] MARTY !

JAKE WYLER.

[ Boy ] WAY TO GO, JAKE !

THIS YEAR’S PROM QUEEN IS...

[ Girl ] YOU’VE GOT IT, PRISCILLA. IT’S IN THE BAG, PRISCILLA.

I DON’T BELIEVE IT. IT’S A TIE.

[ Gasping ] [ Girl ] A TIE ? HOLY SHIT.

YOUR NEW PROM QUEENS ARE...

KARA AND SARA FRATELLI.

[ Girl ] FUCK ! OH, MY GOD !

[ Girl ] THEY DESERVE IT.

CONGRATULATIONS. OHH !

OKAY. THERE WE GO !

YOUR KING AND QUEEN ! [ Cheering Continues ]

I SAY WE MAKE LIKE A TREE AND... BRANCH...

OUT OF HERE.

[ Girl ] ALL RIGHT, KARA AND SARA !

[ Principal ] NOW, IT IS TRADITIONAL FOR THE KING AND QUEEN...

TO SHARE A CEREMONIAL DANCE.

[ Crowd ] AWW ! COME HERE. I JUST WANNA--

♪ PUT YOUR HEADS ♪

♪ ON MY SHOULDER ♪ OHH !

♪ HOLD ME IN YOUR ARMS ♪

YOU SMELL GOOD. ♪ BABY ♪

♪ SQUEEZE ME OH, SO TIGHT ♪

♪ AND SHOW ME ♪

- [ Giggling ] - ♪ THAT YOU LOVE ME TOO ♪

JANEY ! [ Squealing ]

♪ PUT YOUR LIPS NEXT TO MINE, DEAR ♪♪

MALIK, DO YOU KNOW WHERE AUSTIN WENT ?

ALL I KNOW IS THAT HE RENTED A ROOM AT THE SUNRISE MOTEL.

ROOM NUMBER SIX. IT’S THE ONE RIGHT PAST THE ICE DISPENSER.

IF YOU HIT THE PEPSI MACHINE, YOU WENT TOO FAR.

OH, AND THE DOOR WILL DEFINITELY NOT BE LOCKED.

THAT’S ALL I KNOW.

THANKS, MALIK.

YOU KNOW, YOU’RE AN INTELLIGENT, INSIGHTFUL HUMAN BEING...

WHO DOESN’T GET THE RESPECT AND ATTENTION THAT HE DESERVES.

WOW ! YOU REALLY MEAN THAT, JAKE ?

THAT’S GREAT, BECAUSE I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DISCUSS THE REPERCUSSIONS OF THE--

I ACTUALLY GOTTA GO. SORRY.

MOTHERFUCKER.

HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, MISTER.

I AM NOT GOING TO LET YOU HURT JANEY AGAIN, OKAY ?

BESIDES, I LOVE HER.

WELL, SO DO I.

YES, BUT I’M THE BEST FRIEND AND I HAVE BEEN IN FRONT OF HER FACE THE WHOLE TIME.

SHE JUST-- SHE HASN’T REALLY REALIZED IT YET, BUT SHE WILL.

WELL, I’M THE REFORMED COOL GUY WHO’S LEARNED THE ERROR OF HIS WAYS.

SHE’S GONNA FORGIVE ME FOR MY MISTAKES AND REALIZE THAT I REALLY LOVE HER.

DAMN IT. THAT’S TRUE.

WHY IS THIS DOOR LOCKED ? THIS IS A FIRE HAZARD !

♪ WELL, JUST LOOK AT THAT GIRL ♪

♪ WITH THE LIGHTS COMING UP IN HER EYES ♪

[ Horn Honks ]

♪ SHE’S GOTTA BE SOMEBODY’S BABY ♪

[ Horns Honking ] [ Woman ] GET OUT OF THE ROAD !

[ Man ] WATCH IT, MAN !

[ Woman ] SHE’S NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU !

[ Man ] SHE DOESN’T LOVE YOU !

[ Man ] AH, YOU’LL NEVER BE MORE THAN A FRIEND !

♪ SHE MUST BE SOMEBODY’S BABY ♪ TWO DOLLARS !

♪ SHE’S GOTTA BE SOMEBODY’S BABY ♪

♪ ’CAUSE SHE’S SO FINE ♪

♪ SHE’S PROBABLY SOMEBODY’S ONLY LIGHT ♪ ICE DISPENSER.

♪ GONNA SHINE TONIGHT OH ♪ SIX.

[ Austin ] OH, YEAH ! [ Rhythmic Pounding ]

I’LL MAKE YOU FORGET ALL ABOUT LOSING PROM QUEEN. TELL ME WHO YOUR DADDY IS NOW !

CAN YOU TELL ME WHO YOUR PAPA IS ?

WHOO-HOO-HOO !

GET OFF HER, MAN.

- PRISCILLA. - DON’T MOVE.

- WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN HERE ? - SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL.

- [ Snaps Fingers ] - WHERE’S JANEY ?

LITTLE MISS RUN HOME TO MY DADDY...

RAN HOME TO HER DADDY.

[ Laughing ]

THAT’S FOR TAKING JANEY TO THE PROM !

- YOU PUT THE-- - THAT’S FOR HURTING JANEY AT PRESTON’S PARTY !

THIS IS REALLY TURNING ME ON.

THAT’S FOR BEING REALLY WEIRD !

THANK YOU.

[ Grunts ]

I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT WAS FOR. ♪ GONNA SHINE TONIGHT ♪

♪ MAKE HER MINE TONIGHT OH-OOH ♪

♪ GONNA SHINE TONIGHT MAKE HER MINE TONIGHT ♪♪ HELLO.

HI. [ Clears Throat ]

I NEVER THOUGHT I’D HEAR MYSELF SAY THIS, BUT...

FOR ONCE I WISH I COULD MEET...

A NICE, SENSITIVE GUY...

WHO WANTED MORE THAN JUST SEX.

THAT IS VERY ADMIRABLE.

FOR ONCE, I WISH A GUY WOULD TAKE ME OUT FOR DINNER.

I FEEL THE SAME WAY.

[ Sighs ]

AND FOR ONCE,

I WISH A GUY WOULD TAKE A DUMP ON MY CHEST.

THAT IS APPALLING.

[ Disgusted Grunt ]

THAT REALLY UPSETS ME.

I CAN’T BELIEVE NOBODY’S EVER TAKEN A DUMP ON YOUR CHEST.

WILL YOU BE THAT GUY ?

IT WOULD BE AN HONOR AND A PRIVILEGE.

[ Glass Shattering ]

JANEY !

HELLO ?

IS ANYBODY HOME ? [ Cans Clattering ]

GET DOWN ! ENEMY FIRE !

UH-- UH, MR. BRIGGS ?

MR. BRIGGS, EXCUSE ME, SIR.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE JANEY IS ? SHE WENT OUT THERE ON HER OWN.

THERE’S CHARLIE EVERYWHERE.

RIGHT. DO YOU KNOW WHERE SHE WENT ?

COULDN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE. WENT TO THE AIRPORT.

SOMETHIN’ ABOUT... PARIS.

HER TOUR IS OVER.

PARIS. THANK YOU, SIR.

I NEED AMMO ! I CAN’T HOLD ’EM OFF MUCH LONGER !

♪ EVERY TIME I THINK OF YOU ♪

♪ I FEEL SHOT RIGHT THROUGH WITH A BOLT OF BLUE ♪

[ Man ] OFF THE ROAD, YOU GLASSES-AND-PONYTAIL FREAK !

♪ IT’S A PROBLEM I FIND ♪

♪ LIVING LIFE THAT I CAN’T LEAVE BEHIND ♪

♪ EVERY TIME I SEE YOU FALLING ♪

♪ I GET DOWN ON MY KNEES AND PRAY ♪♪ TWO DOLLARS !

TWO DOLLARS ! TWO DOLLARS !

[ Bell Dinging ] TWO DOLLARS !

[ Grunting ]

[ Bus Driver ] NEXT STOP, AIRPORT.

[ Man On P.A. ] THE RED ZONE IS FOR THE IMMEDIATE LOADING...

AND UNLOADING OF PASSENGERS ONLY.

NO PARKING.

[ Woman On P.A. ] ATTENTION: ALL 1986 RED PORSCHE 944s PARKED IN THE WHITE ZONE...

WILL BE TOWED IMMEDIATELY.

[ Woman On P.A. ] PARIS AIR FLIGHT 805 TO ART SCHOOL IN PARIS...

FROM GATE 122 IS NOW BOARDING.

[ Man On P.A. Speaking German ]

EXCUSE ME, EVERYONE !

THERE’S A GIRL BOARDING A PLANE RIGHT NOW TO PARIS...

THAT I LOVE.

AND IF I DON’T GET THERE IN TIME AND TELL HER HOW I REALLY FEEL,

I MAY NEVER SEE HER AGAIN.

GO GET HER, SON.

GOOD LUCK, YOUNG MAN.

GO GET HER !

[ Detector Beeping ] OH, HELL. JUST GO.

[ Beeping ] FREEZE, BITCH !

[ Woman On P.A. Speaking Spanish ]

[ Woman ] YOU’RE BLEEDING ON MY SUITCASE.

[ Bone Cracking ]

EXCUSE ME ! EXCUSE ME, EVERYONE !

THERE’S A GIRL ABOUT TO BOARD A PLANE TO PARIS RIGHT NOW...

THAT I LOVE, AND--

WE ALREADY HEARD THAT ONE, ASSHOLE.

[ Woman On P.A. ] FINAL BOARDING CALL FOR PARIS AIR FLIGHT 805...

TO ART SCHOOL IN PARIS, DEPARTING FROM GATE 122.

JANEY !

HEY, SHITHEAD, THAT’S MINE ! COME ON. GIVE IT BACK.

JUST BELIEVE IN THE BALL, JAKE,

AND THROW YOURSELF.

[ Grunts ] YEAH.

- [ Groans ] - YES !

NICE SHOT, JAKE.

[ Grunts ] OW.

JAKE ? JANEY.

THANK GOD I GOT TO YOU IN TIME. LISTEN TO ME.

I’M NOT GONNA LET YOU GET ON THIS PLANE AND GO TO PARIS.

THIS IS THE FINAL BOARDING CALL FOR FLIGHT 805, WELL, WHY NOT ?

NONSTOP TO ART SCHOOL IN PARIS.

SO IF YOU’RE TRYING TO FIND THE WORDS TO STOP A GIRL FROM LEAVING,

NOW WOULD BE THE TIME. JANEY.

I MADE THAT BET BEFORE I KNEW YOU,

BEFORE I REALLY KNEW ME.

OH, JAKE.

[ Woman On P.A. ] OKAY, HOLD IT RIGHT THERE.

PLEASE TELL ME THAT YOU DIDN’T JUST QUOTE FREDDIE PRINZE, JR.

I KNEW IT. THAT WAS A LINE FROM SHE’S ALL THAT.

I MASTURBATE TO THAT MOVIE.

UH, DO YOU MIND ?

NO, NOT AT ALL. I THINK MASTURBATION’S VERY HEALTHY.

JANEY,

YOU TOLD ME YOU COULDN’T BELIEVE IN SOMEONE THAT DIDN’T BELIEVE IN YOU.

WELL, I BELIEVED IN YOU. I ALWAYS BELIEVED IN YOU.

OH, JAKE.

[ Woman On P.A. ] OH, GOD.

I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU FELL FOR THAT CRAP.

- THAT’S FROM PRETTY IN PINK. - ARE YOU SURE ?

- TRUST ME. - EXCUSE ME. WHAT ARE YOU DOING ?

LET ME GIVE YOU A LITTLE PIECE OF ADVICE HERE, JAKE.

LOSE THE "I’M THE CUTE AND SENSITIVE, POPULAR BOY WITH THE BIG SIDEBURNS" ROUTINE.

IT’S JUST TOO PATHETIC. AND FOR ONCE, TELL JANEY WHAT’S TRUE IN YOUR HEART.

STOP BEING SUCH A LITTLE BITCH.

AND YOU, JANEY, LITTLE MISS OTHER SIDE OF THE TRACKS,

AWKWARD REBEL GIRL WITH THE PSEUDO-INTELLECTUAL GLASSES,

WHY DON’T YOU WISE UP TO JAKE’S BULLSHIT ?

STOP BEING SUCH A DUMB-ASS.

SHE’S RIGHT.

JANEY ? YES, JAKE ?

MAYBE YOU SHOULD GET ON THAT PLANE AND GO TO PARIS.

HUH ?

WELL, I MEAN, IF YOU STAY, WE REALLY ONLY HAVE THE SUMMER.

THEN I GO TO COLLEGE, AND WE’LL TALK ON THE PHONE...

AND SPEND THE OCCASIONAL WEEKEND TOGETHER, WHICH IS NICE.

BUT CHANCES ARE, I’M GONNA GET WRECKED AND HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX WITH SOME GIRL IN MY DORM.

YOU’LL FIND HER THONG AND CALL ME A SLUT.

I’LL CALL YOU A COCK TEASE, AND WE’LL BREAK UP.

SO WHEN YOU REALLY THINK ABOUT IT, WHAT’S THE POINT ?

WELL, THAT... WASN’T EXACTLY THE KIND OF TRUTH I WAS EXPECTING.

THAT DOESN’T MEAN I’M GONNA FALL FOR IT.

I MEAN, HOW BIG OF A DUMB-ASS DO YOU THINK I AM ?

YOU OBVIOUSLY STOLE THAT SPEECH FROM KARATE KID.

NO, ACTUALLY, I-- SHH.

JAKE, IT’S OKAY.

I LOVE YOU TOO.

WE ALL KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING.

FUCKING TEENAGERS.

[ Crowd ] AWW !

THIS IS IT-- THE RIGHT MOMENT.

♪ MOVING FORWARD USING ALL MY BREATH ♪

[ One Person Clapping Slowly ]

♪ MAKING LOVE TO YOU WAS NEVER SECOND BEST ♪

♪ I SAW THE WORLD THRASHING ALL AROUND YOUR FACE ♪

[ Hysterical Sobbing ]

♪ NEVER REALLY KNOWING IT WAS ALWAYS MESH AND LACE ♪ SON OF A BITCH !

♪ I’LL STOP THE WORLD AND MELT WITH YOU ♪

♪ I’LL STOP THE WORLD AND MELT WITH YOU ♪

♪ I’LL STOP THE WORLD AND MELT WITH YOU ♪

♪ I’LL STOP THE WORLD AND MELT WITH YOU ♪

[ Briggs ] OHH, BETTY,

MEET APOLLONIA.

WE’RE GONNA HAVE A THREE-WAY.

[ Panting ] AHH !

[ Hysterical Laughter ]

♪♪

♪ HEY, HEY HEY, HEY ♪

♪ WHOO-HOO, OOH-OHH ♪

♪ WON’T YOU COME SEE ABOUT ME ♪

♪ I’LL BE ALONE, DANCING YOU KNOW IT, BABY ♪

♪ TELL ME YOUR TROUBLES AND DOUBTS ♪

♪ GIVIN’ ME EVERYTHING INSIDE AND OUT ♪

♪ AND LOVE’S STRANGE ♪

♪ SO REAL IN THE DARK ♪

♪ THINK OF THE TENDER THINGS THAT WE WERE WORKING ON ♪

♪ SLOW CHANGE MAY PULL US APART ♪

♪ WHEN THE LIGHT GETS INTO YOUR HEART, BABY ♪

♪ DON’T YOU FORGET ABOUT ME ♪

♪ SAID DON’T, DON’T DON’T, DON’T ♪

♪ DON’T YOU FORGET ABOUT ME ♪

♪ SAID WILL YOU STAND ABOVE ME ♪

♪ LOOK MY WAY ♪

♪ NEVER LOVE ME ♪

♪ RAIN KEEPS FALLING THE RAIN KEEPS FALLING ♪

♪ DOWN, DOWN, DOWN ♪

♪ SAID WILL YOU RECOGNIZE ME ♪

♪ CALL MY NAME OR WALK ON BY ♪

♪ THE RAIN KEEPS FALLING RAIN KEEPS FALLING ♪

♪ DOWN, DOWN, DOWN ♪

♪ HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY ♪

♪ OOH-OOH-OOH ♪

♪ OOH-OHH ♪

♪ DON’T YOU TRY TO PRETEND ♪

♪ IT’S MY FEELING WE’LL WIN IN THE END ♪

♪ I WON’T HARM YOUR DEFENSES ♪

♪ VANITY, INSECURITY ♪

♪ AH, NOW DON’T YOU FORGET ABOUT ME ♪

♪ SAID I’LL BE ALONE, DANCING YOU KNOW IT, BABY ♪

♪ GOING TO TAKE YOU APART ♪

♪ I’LL PUT US BACK TOGETHER AT HEART, BABY ♪

♪ DON’T YOU ♪

♪ FORGET ABOUT ME ♪

♪ SAID DON’T, DON’T DON’T, DON’T ♪

♪ DON’T YOU ♪

♪ FORGET ABOUT ME ♪

♪ AS YOU WALK ON BY ♪

♪ WILL YOU CALL MY NAME ♪

♪ AS YOU WALK ON BY ♪

♪ WILL YOU CALL MY NAME ♪

♪ WHEN YOU WALK AWAY ♪

♪ WILL YOU WALK AWAY ♪

♪ WILL YOU WALK ON BY ♪

♪ AND WILL YOU CALL MY NAME ♪

♪ SAID WILL YOU WALK ON BY ♪

♪ AND WILL YOU CALL MY NAME ♪

♪ I SAID LA, LA-LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ LA-LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ LA-LA-LA-LA LA-LA-LA, LA-LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ LA-LA-LA-LA LA-LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ LA-LA-LA-LA LA-LA-LA, LA-LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ WILL YOU WALK ON BY ♪

♪ LA-LA-LA-LA, LA-LA-LA-LA LA-LA-LA, LA-LA-LA-LA ♪ ♪ WILL YOU CALL MY NAME ♪

♪ WHEN YOU WALK ON BY ♪ ♪ LA-LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ LA-LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ WILL YOU CALL MY NAME ♪ ♪ LA-LA-LA-LA LA-LA-LA, LA-LA-LA-LA ♪♪

♪ WELL, IT STARTED OUT WHEN WE WERE VERY YOUNG ♪

♪ SCHOOLYARD KIDS ON THE PROWL JUST HAVING FUN ♪

♪ SMOKIN’ CIGARETTES AND TRYIN’ TO BUY SOME BEER ♪

♪ THE 8 BEFORE 21 THOSE WERE THE YEARS ♪

♪ ’CAUSE AFTER ALL WE ARE ♪

♪ WE ARE ALL FRIENDS ♪

♪ ’CAUSE AFTER ALL WE ARE ♪

♪ WE ARE ALL FRIENDS ♪

♪ ’CAUSE YOU’RE ALWAYS THERE ♪

♪ AND IT’S ALWAYS RIGHT ♪

♪ AND IT’S ALWAYS BEEN ♪

♪ AND YOU’RE ALWAYS THERE RIGHT ON ♪

♪ AFTER ALL WE ARE WE ARE ALL FRIENDS ♪♪ [ Cheering ]

♪ SUN’S BURNED MY CORNEA ♪

♪ I CAN NO LONGER SEE-EE-EE ♪

♪ I’M NOT KIDDING SOMEBODY, PLEASE FUCKING HELP ME ♪♪

[ Man ] QUICK, GRAB HER GUITAR.