All language subtitles for How to Frame a Figg (1971).eng

Will you quit tailgating me?
I got no place to pull over!

All right, hotshot, what's the big
deal? You saw I had no room to pull over.

Mr. Spaulding.!

I didn't know it was you.
Did you buy a new ambulance?

A shiny penny.
A foundation for your future.

Thank you!
Thank you, son.

Here, let me help you.
Here we go.

That's it. Take it easy now. Easy, fella!

All right,
here we go.

Easy. First step. All
right, folks, outta the way.

Don't gawk.
This is Mr. Spaulding.

Come on, Mr. Spaulding.
There you go.

Easy. That's it.
Don't gawk, folks!

Here we are.

A shiny new penny!
A foundation for your future.

That's Mr. Spaulding!
All right. Here we go.

That's old Charley Spaulding.
I bet he owns half the city.

This way, Oliver.
Here you go.

You got him? Okay.

Have a nice flight.
Keep it smooth, Max.

Hey, uh, you're makin' kinda
a mistake there, fella.

I'm with City Hall.

Accounting. That's
my office over there.

Nice and close to everything. Yeah.

Is this your right name?
Hollis A. Figg? That's correct.

You and me both work
on the same team kinda.

Birds of a feather in the same bush,
if you get what I mean.

I sure do. Tuesday.
9:00. Traffic court.

What was that?

I don't chew
my cabbage twice!

Now, I've been
concerned lately...

about having four
bookkeepers downstairs...

who might accidentally find out that
we've been dipping into the city till.

Really, sir, a little price fixing
here, a little manipulating there...

You could hardly
call that dipping.

You can call it what you like!

We're plundering the people daily,
and we better not forget it.

Now, let's review the deal.

We fire the three
accountants downstairs...

and keep the dumbest one.

What's his name?
Figg. Hollis Alexander Figg.

How dumb is this Figg?

"Hollis Alexander Figg,
34, male, caucasian.

"Graduated Dalton Union High
with D-plus average.

"Flunked Latin three times,
flunked biology twice,

"a B average in mathematics,
D average in Spanish,

"dropped French because
it hurt his sinuses,

flunked feminine hygiene in
which he enrolled by mistake. "

Mr. Spaulding?

Mr. Spaulding.

B average in mathematics!
That could kill us, you poophead!

He has to be able
to run the computer,

and if you got it for $5,000,
it's obviously secondhand.

Robert, tell him to sit
down. Kermit, sit down.

First of all,

one of you poopheads see that we
get some newspaper coverage on this.

We're making ourselves
look good...

by purchasing a computer in the
best interest of our citizens.

But...

the computer only knows...

what the dummy Figg
lets it know,

and Figg only knows...

what we let the dummy know.

All right, Lester, you can
have table five over there.

You can't give him table
five! That's Holl's table.

If Hollis gets here on time. If he's
late, he has to take what he can get.

He's here! You were gonna give
our table away, and he was here.

Excuse me.
I have a reservation.

Excuse me. I'm with City
Hall. I have a reservation.

Will you stop sayin' the
same thing over and over?

I would have been here sooner,
but some cop give me a ticket.

To what?
The traffic pokey.

I'll switch Lester
to table eight. Come on.

Didn't he
recognize you, Holl?

Oh, one call to Sanderson, that cop'll
be walking a beat over in Cass County.

Boy, I wish I had graft over
at City Hall like you do.

Not graft, Pren. Pull.

I hear you girls are gonna get
yourselves caught in an alley, Grace?

We'll survive.

Guy, Holl, where do you get junk like
that? Makin' a bowling alley sound scary.

We'll take it easy on you
tonight, so don't panic.

You're scarin' me
to death.

Gotcha again,
Ema Letha.

I couldn't imagine
who it could be!

Did you know your ketchup
bottles are clogged up again?

Better call
the Roto-Rooter man.

I'm so worried
about bowling tonight.

It'll be my first time
in league competition.

Oh, don't worry about it. I'll give
you a few pointers when we get there.

While you're about it, why don't you
splash a little mustard on me.

Oh, you poor thing!

Here let me get that. Oh!

Does that feel damp
against your skin?

No, that's okay.
I'm wearin' an undershirt.

If I had
my reading glasses on,

I wouldn't have
to get this close.

Well, listen...
We all have flaws.

There.

I'm tellin' ya, Holl.
She's got the yearns for ya...

Like that time Alec Guinness and Ingrid
Bergman were horsin' around the Riviera,

and she rubbed his clavicle
with coconut butter.

This is just lunch.

You ought to see her operate
around me when I come in for supper.

Oh, boy!

Well, we cheated
death again, Max.

Step up, please, Mr. Mayor. Thank you, Max.

Oh, uh,
that's the man.

Mr. Mayor, Mr. Sanderson,
gentlemen.

What's
the name again?

Figg. Hollis Figg.

- Oh, Mr. Figg.
- Hold it, Max!

Uh, were you speaking
to me, Mr. Mayor?

- Yes, Figg.
- Down, Max. Fast!

Yes, Mr. Mayor?

I just want to make you aware of some
changes that are about to take place.

Up, Max.

More! More! Uh, changes?
What changes, Mr. Mayor?

Well, I think they'll
interest you a lot, Figg.

Give me that handle!

Oh, he's perfect.

Mr. Mayor!
Mr. Mayor!

I'll walk, Max!

Some romance. Everyday at 4:00
he flaps the shade up and down.

I think it's sweet.

Is that all you two ever do?
He flaps and you wave.

Uh-huh.

Well, I hope
you're on the pill.

Hollis!

Oh, Hollis!

Oh, Hollis!

- Hollis can't come out and play!
- Huh?

I'm just tryin' to tell you to quit
hollerin' up at me like I was nine years old!

Come on up, Pren.!

Look, Holl! I got my new chrono-nomen-ometer
watch from Switzerland, Pennsylvania.

It tells the date, year
and phase of the moon;

and it's got a zodiac dial,
plus it alarms... Listen, Holl.

Ah! Oh!

I just thought I'd come see
if my watch came.

How come
you're limpin'?

Stupid iron fell on my stupid
toe. I may never walk again.

Can't hurt that much.
You had your shoe on.

Don't tell me how much
my own toe hurts.

- If it's that wrecked, put it in coffee.
- In coffee?

Yeah, this friend of mine
always sticks his toe in coffee.

The heat draws out the pain,
and the caffeine keeps his toe awake.

Do you want some coffee?

If you say one more dumb thing like
coffee keeps this guy's toe awake,

I'm gonna break your bike.

It does, Holl!
Swell.

Anyway, if I don't bowl
good, you'll know why.

You gotta bowl good!
Ema Letha'll be there.

You can't let a bunch of girls
beat the City Civ's.

This just isn't my day!

First I get a ticket,

then Sanderson catches me flappin'
signals at Ema Letha, and now this.

There's always a bright side. If they fire
you, maybe I can swing you a job in sanitation.

I hear there's
an opening in garbage.

Cut that out, Frankie!

He's just a kid, Holl!
He's gonna be a dead kid!

I'm gonna come down there and shove
your carburetor up your overdrive.

You hear me,
Frankie Passarelli?

That's better!

All right! Let's go get
this bowling deal over with.

Hey, neat!
You ain't limpin' anymore.

Just because a man controls his pain,
doesn't mean he isn't limpin' on the inside.

Looks like the old toe is not
gonna hold up under the pressure.

Took two minutes and eight
seconds to throw the first ball,

wait for it to come back, throw the second
ball, only hit one pin and walk back to here.

They been
sandin' that lane again.

Maybe you better take a
couple extra practice shots.

We can't have
a girls' team beating us.

All right. All right.
Don't worry about it.

Mama Mia!
They got a new one!

Hello, Hollis!

Oh, nice shot, Figg. You
must be great skipping rocks.

Hi, I'm Chris Groat.

You must be Snow White, and
I'm a prince turned into a frog.

Give me a kiss. All right.
Let's not get obscene.

Hi, Ema Letha.
Hi, Holl.

- You girls can warm up, and we'll take it easy on ya.
- Yeah.

You were limping just now. Just
a little metatarsal trouble.

You guys wanna hear something
real weird?

Right this very minute,
it's low tide in Singapore.

Keep score, Pren.

It's all up to you, Hollis. This
is the big one. You can do it.

Shoot, Holl.
I've got the watch on ya.

Give it the old concentration.
All right. All right.

Hollis.!

It's either the whole forest,
or they win.

I think Holl does good for a guy with a busted
toe, a rotten backswing and no curve ball.

What's he doin'?

Let go of it,
you ninny!

Don't tell me!
Here, gimme that!

Stop making a spectacle
out of a stuck ball!

If we don't get this thing off,
we forfeit the whole game...

and get ribbed
for six months!

Figg's got his damn finger stuck!
How about lettin' Chris take his shot?

Not on your life! If
Hollis doesn't bowl, we win.

Then it's your game.

Happy? Good!
Does it hurt?

I blew the game! You
wanna make something of it?

Not tonight. I've got
other things on my mind.

- I know a way to get it off!
- Hot coffee, I suppose?

Why not hot olive oil?

Hot olive oil?
Or maybe talcum powder?

Help me get
this thing off!

Don't hurt him!

You take this thing home and
soak the whole works! All right!

Oh, no, you don't!
Oh, no, you don't!

You ain't leavin'
with Majestic Lanes' property!

That's an $18 ball. Do you
expect me to cut off my hand?

That ball is not gonna leave
the premises! I've got it!

Come on! Follow me!

I'll get it off.
Don't worry.

Hollis!

Get in here! Now, stick it in there!

You're kidding! Circulating
water will loosen anything. Now.

You're gonna
get me all wet!

Here's a bib, Holl.

You idiot!

Keep it in there!
It's not working.

It'll work!
It'll work!

Everybody out! What are you
women doin' in the men's room?

You're not allowed in here!
Out! Out!

You people are all nuts!

We were just tryin'
to get the ball off.

Your precious ball!
What am I supposed to do?

You're gonna leave a deposit!
That's what you're gonna do.

Okay! Anything,
just to get out of this...

I'll do it, Hollis.

There! I'll come home with you and help
you get that dumb thing off! Let's go!

All right, what are you
standing around for? Break it up!

Turn in your shoes and
everything you put on deposit!

Maybe I oughta turn this
into a shuffleboard court.

Welcome to Chez Figg.

What do you think of it?
It's real cute!

It's just one of those
bachelor pads you read about.

Uh, I suppose
that's the kitchen.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Don't you want
to get the ball off?

It can wait.

Why don't we
have a cup of coffee?

But it must be
terribly uncomfortable.

Yeah, but the thing is...

I mean, once you get the darn thing
off, then you'll probably go right home.

Maybe I won't.

First we'll
try soap and water.

Ema Letha, can I...

Well, would you mind
if I say something?

Well, uh,
what is it, Hollis?

Well, uh,

nobody glides across the floor
with a tray the way you do.

Thank you, Hollis.

Did you ever see old Agnes? She
looks like a tackle of the Rams.

She goes like this.

But here's you, just...

I've never seen
anything like it.

Thank you, Hollis.

Uh, try to get
the bowling ball off now.

Ema Letha.

Uh,

well, if I had ever
asked you for a date,

would you have gone?

Well, of course.

Because of me personally,

or because of my position
with the city?

You, of course.

Really?

Really!

Ah-h-h-h!

Oh!

Girls take you last night? That's
for me to know and you to find out.

Step down, please.

Wait, wait, wait!
Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!

Wait! Hold it!

Hold it!

I'm really very sorry.

Quite all right, Figg. Gentlemen,
this is Mr. Figg. Mr. Hollis A. Figg.

He's going to operate
our computer for us.

Me? I don't know
the first thing about this.

The city is
not only saving money,

but we're moving into the
space age at the same time.

Perhaps you'd like to take a group
picture of us with the Mach 40.

Go right ahead. Oh, Figg.
Figg. No, no, no, no.

You get right
in the picture too.

There we are.
Thank you, gentlemen.

Thank you very much.
Thank you all.

Look at this mess!
Why did you touch it?

I'm really very sorry,
Mr. Sanderson.

Uh, excuse me, but, uh,

what happened to Wilson, Nardini
and Peterson? They're gone.

I mean they're gone in the interest of
better municipal government. You understand?

Well, how come
I'm still here?

Uh, well, let's just say
we know our personnel, Figg.

I'll be back later this morning, and
I'll teach you how to operate this.

Oh, Mr. Sanderson?

Uh, will that picture theyjust
took really be in the paper?

Guy, look at ol' Holl
standin' there...

big as life with all them
high muckety-mucks at City Hall.

This is congratulations from
the fry cook and the bus boys...

and all us girls.

Boy, when you people want to make a person
feel good, you really don't mess around.

Can I blow out
the candle?

Sure, go ahead.
Oh, boy!

Oh.!

Oh, Hollis.
Let me get that.

Uh, Ema Letha, I think this is one
I better handle myself.

Wrong!

You see that, Leo?
You blew it.

I added these figures up by hand, and I'm not
only faster than you, I'm smarter than you.

Hey, is that the
computer? Yeah, that's Leo.

Holy alabreevo!
That's more complicated...

than that triple decker cash register
over at the fuel store.

Maybe so, but it just now blew
a simple problem in fractions...

that any fifth grader...

Wait a minute!

Sorry, Leo.
You were right and I was wrong.

Does he talk too?

Course not!
Machines don't talk.

My radio does! And it sings,
and it plays the guitar.

Don't you have to take
that trash to the furnace?

Sure, only it just knocks me out
the way you run this computer.

Huh.! I can't believe I got me
a friend that's so brainy.!

Well, would you like
to see me run it?

- Hey, yeah!
- What you do...

is you take any set
of figures like, uh...

I never seen any of this stuff before because
this comes from the tax commissioner's office.

Yeah, throws out
high-class trash.

Okay, come here. Now, this is
the keypunch right here, see?

This is where I transfer all the figures...
the information from these papers... into Leo.

All right.

When I punch this button, in less than a
minute, we'll get our answer in the memory bank.

Shall I time the action,
Holl? Sure, go ahead.

Ready?

Lordinsi!
Yeah.

All the information in these
papers is stored in the memory bank.

You see the costs and returns
on the city's new road?

That would take me an hour
to add, and you know I'm fast.

You sure are, Holl.

Nine seconds flat.
Now take a look at this.

The city got paid $750,000
for that half a mile of road,

and it only cost them $500,000.

Hey, that's what I call
efficiency in government.

That sure is, Holl.

Yeah, but what happened
to the money that's left over?

No, no.
You don't understand.

The city got three-quarters of a
million dollars... prime payment...

on a road that cost
a half a million.

We're talkin'gross contractual
dividends as against net.

Yeah, only I get the feelin'
there's a quarter of a million missin'.

What's the matter with you? You got
three-quarters of million dollars over here.

You got a half a million dollars
over here.

Do you know about credits, debits
and all that fiduciary stuff?

Uh-uh. All I know is, what happened
to the quarter of a million?

Do I tell you what to do
with garbage?

Message received and noted.
Anyway, it's all too deep for me.

See ya later.
All right.

- Morning, Mr. Mayor.
- Morning.

Uh, ordinarily I wouldn't
bother you with stuff like this,

but Mr. Sanderson
was playin' golf.

Oh, tut, tut. Never too busy for
my confreres here in City Hall.

Well, swell.
Well, the thing is...

I think there's something weird going
on with the Bellinger Road project.

Now, I ran this information
through Leo three times,

and it comes out that there's a
quarter of million dollars missing.

Uh, you okay, Mayor?

You said you think?
You don't know for sure.

But you just said
that you think.

Yeah, but Leo says that the city took in
half a million but charged...

Leo says...

My dear boy, you must never believe
what people say about politicians.

Leo's the computer!

These letters came right out of the tax
commissioners' office, so they must be right.

Don't you think we should notify
the authorities? No, no, no!

Well,

I am the authorities,
and you just told me.

Do you think there's
something crooked going on?

No! No, no, no.

We just have
to be very careful...

about starting any rumors.

We have got
to check this whole thing out.

That's why you're the mayor,
and I'm just the bookkeeper...

Control under adversity.
Right.

What I want you to do...

You... You go back to your
office and wait for my call...

and don't say anything to anyone
about what we discussed in here.

Oh, heck no! A rotten thing like
this oughta be kept in City Hall.

Right! Now, you... you go to
your office and wait for my call.

Go to my office
and wait for your call.

Oh, uh, what if I have to...
you know, down the hall?

I'd rather you didn't.
Right.

It's for the city.
Yeah, for the city.

Poopheads!

All right. I warned you
about that B average,

but you wouldn't listen.

Sanderson here somehow let
him get hold of papers...

right out of his office.

Mr. Spaulding, I assure you...
Tell him to stop assuring me.

He assured me once before,
and now we're in the soup.

That's quite right. Don't
assure Mr. Spaulding, Kermit.

You assured him once before,
and now we're in the soup.

We... We may just use this thing
as a little insurance.

Where's this Figg now?

He's in his office
waiting for my call.

Call him.

Wh-What'll I say?

- I'll tell you what to say to him!
- Quite right.

This may just be
a blessing in disguise.

He's not only our insurance;

he's our patsy.

He's on! He's on!

He's to go home tonight and say nothing
to anyone... not even his mother.

Oh, now, Figg.
You're to go home tonight...

and don't say anything to anyone...
not even your mother.

Tell him to be here
bright and early in the morning;

we have a surprise for him.

Oh, Figg, you... you get here
bright and early in the morning,

and we have
a little surprise for you.

We, uh...

Just a second. He wants to know
if he can go to the men's room now?

Godfrey Daniel! Can't you
make any decision for yourself?

Yes, uh, Figg, you, uh,

you go... you go right ahead.

Right ahead, b-b-but
don't talk to anyone.

What's the surprise, Charley?

Has it got something to do with
his being a patsy, or... or... Charley?

I have a big meeting, Max.
Take me to the board room.

I only go to the floor.
I don't go into the board room.

Come in!
Come in, Mr. Figg.

You, of course, said nothing
to anyone, Mr. Figg?

Oh, no, sir. I took my phone off the
hook, and my mother lives in Cleveland.

Gentlemen, may I
present to you...

the man who saved the city of Dalton
a quarter of a million dollars...

through his diligence
and loyalty.

I don't know what to say.

Well, you shall
be rewarded, Mr. Figg.

As a matter of fact,
from this moment on,

you are going
to occupy an office...

right here
on the third floor,

where we can
keep an eye on you.

Where we, who are loyal to
the city, can all be together.

Gentlemen, I, uh...

I just want to say
that this is the...

probably the finest thing
that ever happened to me.

Well, thanks a lot.

I just hope you catch the
contractors! The... The contractors?

Very astute!

Mr. Figg knows that contractors
are notorious thieves.

Yes, we should know that a man like
you would understand those matters.

- Investigation.
- Yes, yes. The investigation.

All the contractors are
under investigation right now.

That's great! Great.
You can't be too careful.

I knew this fellow,
and he used to be...

I'll show you
to your new office.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Thank you, gentlemen.
Thank you very much.

Thank you, Mr. Spaulding.
Mr...

Mr. Spaulding?

Shh.

Come in, come in,
come in, Hollis.

Hollis,
from this moment on,

you are
the consulting commissioner...

to the municipal committee
for consultive studies.

Consulting commissioner...
C.C.M.C.C.S.

Right.

Here we go.
Here we are.

I'm sorry, Hollis.

I'm afraid this is the best
we can do on short notice.

Oh, sure! I know how busy it can
get up here on the third floor.

Excuse me, Mr. Mayor,

but exactly what does
a C.C.M.C.C.S. do?

I'm gonna have them send up another picture
of Lincoln. That is an absolute disgrace.

Well, welcome aboard, Figg, and I'm
sure we can trust your better judgment,

uh, concerning that other
little matter, right?

Oh, right! We'll all sit
on that powder keg together.

Well, how about
a little lunch later on?

Lunch? Sure!

Heck, yeah.
Look, my treat.

I'll take you to a great
place. Good, good, good.

Good, good!

See ya later.

Good morning, Commissioner.

I'm your new secretary.
My name is Glorianna Hastings.

Oh, well, I'm, uh,
I'm your commissioner.

My name is
Hollis Alexander Figg.

You, uh, take shorthand?

Pitman, 150 words a minute;
and Gregg, 130 words a minute.

Hmm. That's very good.

three buzzes for me, one for
local, two for long distance?

Or one for me, two for local,
three for long distance?

On correspondence, do you prefer
an original and one, two or three?

Coffee, tea or milk? With cream
and sugar, cream without sugar,

sugar without cream
orjust straight black?

And do you prefer sweet rolls,
donuts or prune Danish?

Oh, I think
the, uh, prune Danish.

I like that in a man.

- Uh, what's that?
- Quick decisions.

I'll put paper
in the right-hand drawer...

because I would assume
you're right-handed.

Yeah, that's right.

Oh? Isn't that
an interesting hand?

You, uh, read palms?

It's very unusual
for an executive.

What?

Such a strong hand.

Well, that's my...
Bowling hand.

Mmm. An interesting life!

Naughty boy.

That is a marvelous hand,

and I'm sure we're just going to
get along beautifully together.

I thought you knew, Figg, that in politics,
secretaries always accompany their employers...

to be on hand just in case
of sudden decisions.

Oh, that's okay by me, Mayor,
but, listen, about my car...

The backseat's just full
of magazines and it...

It... It's not here!

I think it is, Figg.

We officials always get
stuck with Cadillacs.

But if you like it,
it's yours.

If I like it?
Wow! It's a gas!

The keys are in it.
Why don't you drive it?

Fasten your seat belts.

Here we are!

Uh, excuse us, please.
Pardon me. Excuse us. Mayor.

Excuse me. Excuse me.
Hi, Ethel.

Uh, my usual table,
please.

- Hello, Mr. Mayor.
- Hello.

See that the mayor gets
a nice clean menu. Yeah.

Uh, right this way.

There you go.

All right, which one of you
wanted the clean menu?

Oh, Mr. Mayor.
We're honored to have you.

Yes, we sure are.

Oh, hi, Ema Letha.

Mr. Mayor, may I present
Miss Ema Letha Kusic.

Waitress par extraordinaire,
as they say.

- Hello.
- How do you do?

Ema Letha, this is Glorianna
Hastings, my new secretary.

- Hmm.
- They've promoted me, Ema Letha.

I'm up on third floor now.

Oh, Hollis! I think that's wonderful!
What do you do?

- I'm a C.C.M.C.C.S.
- Oh!

Filthy!

Sorry.

Excuse me.
Hiya, Holl!

Hey, Holl. I'm sorry I'm late, but
the guys on the garbage truck...

Hey, ain't you
the mayor?

Pren, the mayor and my secretary and I
are having a private lunch.

I'm Prentiss Gates. I work for
the city too. I'm in sanitation.

Anybody ever tell you
you look like Rita Hayworth...

that time she was hauled out of the
cave by Dick Powell in Ravaged Lust?

Pren, we're havin'
kinda a private lunch!

You know, business.
Message received and noted.

So long, Mr. Mayor. So long, Holl. Right.

So long, Miss Hayworth.
Don't take any aluminum dimes.

He's a character.

Well, what do you
recommend today, Ema Letha?

Mmm. I served the tuna I'angois three times
already, and nobody's gotten nasty yet.

Tuna would be dangerous
in a place like this.

Hollis eats here every day,
and look at him.

I'll have the tomato juice
in a clean glass, dear.

Uh, are you sittin'
on that busted spring?

I can trade places
with ya.

No, I'm fine, thank you.

Oh!

Ema Letha,
for Pete's sake!

You can stay!
I'm leaving!

I think we better go, Figg. Yes,
I'll be right with you, Mr. Mayor.

Did you do that on purpose?
What if I did?

That's the mayor
and my new secretary.

Keep your voice down! You heard
what she said about the water glass.

Then you did do it on purpose!
I just said, what if I did?

She's awfully chummy
for a one-day secretary.

She was sitting on a spring. The way
she's padded, how would she ever notice?

Don't bring her here again!

Maybe I won't come in myself either.
If that's the way you want it!

That's the way I want it! Then
you got it! Good-bye, Hollis.

You sure that's the way you want
it? That's the way you got it.

Then, good-bye!

And don't expect any more window
shade flapping from me either.

More junk to sign?
Mmm.

What do you do with it?

Oh, uh, it goes
in a special file.

The red Xs.
I know! I know!

What do I need
a safety deposit box for?

Oh, well, um, all the
commissioners have one.

But if you'd prefer not to...
No, that's all right.

You better start learning
my moods, Miss Hastings.

You know, one of the first precepts of good
secretary'n is learnin' of a guy's moods.

Yes, sir. I'm complex,
Miss Hastings. Real complex!

Miss Hastings.

Uh, Glorianna.

Would you, uh,
sit down for a minute.

Well,
the thing is, uh...

I mean, you bein'
a woman and all,

and my mother livin'
in Cleveland...

Well, the fact is,
I've got this problem.

Scorpio. Well, that could be part of it.

I don't know too much
about psychiatry.

Well, why don't you
tell me about it?

Well, the fact is...

I had this fight
with my girlfriend...

You know her,
but we won't go into that now.

Anyway, I said a bunch
of dumb things to her.

I was just wonderin', should I call her
and apologize, or wait for her to call me?

You see, when a man
plays hard to get,

it makes a girl
want him all the more.

Yeah, I suppose you're right.

How about this? What if
I wrote her a little note?

The best thing you can do
is stay out of her life for a while.

I'm a woman.
Yeah.

Well, um, that's
a woman's point of view.

Well, thank you, Glorianna.

Hollis, anytime
I can be of help.

You know
what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna go apologize
and take her home after work.

Well, uh, if you insist
on doing it that way...

Why don't you drop me off at my
apartment first? My car's being fixed.

Sure! Heck, yeah.
Then I can go to the restaurant.

Come on.

Well!

He certainly isn't
out with the boys.

What?
Oh!

All burglars,
olly, olly, ox-in-free.

It's silly of me, but I
just hate to go in alone.

Come on in!

Well, I... I can't stay.

I gotta go over
and see Ema Letha.

You have time for just
one drink, haven't you?

To tell you the truth,
I don't drink.

Oh? Well, uh,

I have something very mild
I'm sure you'll enjoy.

Okay.

Gee, you have a real nice
place here. Thank you.

- How do you do all this on your salary?
- Um, Blue Chip stamps.

Well, cheers.

Here's how we lost the farm.

That's not too bad.

Mm-mmm.

Uh, thank you.

Thank you.
That was very good.

I really have to be going.
Don't run off.

Why don't you
stay for a minute?

Well, I... No, put your hat in
the closet and stay just a minute.

Well, okay, but I gotta
go over and pick up Ema Letha.

I can save time by cutting
over on Seventh Street.

She's not even expecting me.

That's the funny part
of the whole thing.

She's just, uh...

Oh, my! You do
need another drink.

You're not kidding.

This is good.

Whew! Is it a little warm
in here, or is that me?

No, it is a trifle warm.

Why don't you
take off your jacket?

I don't mind.
Doesn't embarrass me.

I got two sisters...
in Cleveland.

Good old Cleveland.

You know, we lived
right over the left, uh,

left field wall
of the ball park.

Every time somebody
hit a home run,

it would break one
of our windows.

My mother used to say
it gave her a pain.

Here.

I'll just hang this up. Shall
I hang it up over in here?

Yes, that's... that's fine.

What is this? A zoo?

Oh, I have a lot of,
um, uh, doting uncles.

Yeah!

Well, you sure...
you really do.

It looks like a...
like a zoo in there.

Well, I gotta be
goin' now.

I gotta go pick up, uh,

Lema Netha.

You want to know something? What?

You are a very, very...

nice person.

Hollis, I'm not...
I know, I know.

An executive and his secretary should
never be caught in any situation...

that could possibly be construed
as being compromising.

Yes. Yes!

- Excuse me.
- What'd you do?

I gotta... I gotta go
and pick up...

what's her name.

She doesn't
even know who I am.

Say that again.

I said that our contact
in the state capitol...

said that the attorney general's office
is beginning to wonder about...

that Bellinger Road business
and that Mercy Hospital deal.

They're even thinking about checking all
our activities, and that's why I called you.

Any solutions, gentlemen?

Well, naturally I haven't been
standing still on this thing.

I have booked six tickets
for Brazil...

All they have
is suspicion.

Now, gentlemen, have you
forgotten our insurance?

Figg?

Yes. Get that girl in here.

The one
with the big McGuffies.

The time has come, gentlemen,
to activate the insurance.

When they investigate...
if they investigate...

we will have already
caught the culprit!

All credit to us,
all guilt to him.

Don't flash those
at me, dearie.

Nothing's
connected up anymore.

Is that on Figg?
Yes, sir.

Get him.

How much does the attorney
general's office suspect, Robert?

They're beginning to question
those contracts on the road,

and they wonder why
we're building the hospital...

with glazed brick
instead of structural steel.

I wonder, Mr. Spaulding,
if this is the time to...

Mr. Spaulding?

Oh, uh, Mr. Spaulding?

Mr. Spaulding.!

Mr. Figg is here.

You're not playing with
children, Figg. Huh?

You know the old saying:

the best place to hide is
right in the police station.

We gave you this position in innocent
trust, and you have abused it.

That's what hurts, Hollis.
That's what really hurts.

Innocent trust? Wh...
Excuse me, Mayor.

I don't know what
anybody's talking about.

Is that
your signature?

Don't touch it!
Just look.

It's evidence.

Uh, yes, sir, that's
my signature, but...

Checks signed by you,
made out to cash...

and deposited in your
private account.

8,000, 9,000, 22,000...

But I...
Don't "but"me.

How did you save $70,000
in one month...

on an $8,000-a-year salary?

Well, I... I got a refund
on my income tax.

You got $104.

And I get very good mileage on my...
Wait a minute! That's ridiculous.

Call in Miss McGuffie.

Evidence, Mr. Spaulding. Yeah.

Just one simple question,
Miss Hastings.

Did Mr. Figg buy you 11 fur
coats and assorted extras?

Yes, sir.

Those coats came
from doting uncles!

Please, Hollis...
Uh, Mr. Figg.

Gentlemen, he did it out of
the goodness of his heart.

You see, I...
I'm an orphan and...

And Hollis... uh, Mr. Figg...
was very sweet to me.

I didn't want that fancy
apartment, but Hollis insisted.

And gentlemen,
there were no strings attached.

That's because he's such a...
a wonderful man.

Let us now take a look
at Mr. Figg's safe deposit box.

Oh, Mr. Figg,
how could you?

But... w-wait a minute.
Wa... She...

Now, wait a minute! I never saw
that money before in my life.

Must be $100,000
in there.

But you're getting this all wrong.
All I did was...

Figg, the police department has been
aware of your activities for some time now.

But I managed
to keep it covered up.

We can no longer tolerate your sort on
the third floor. Yeah, but my gosh...

You'll be released
pending trial, Figg.

Don't try to leave town or
discuss this case with anyone.

Figg, try to go straight.

We're giving you
one last chance.

And now, the key to the executive
washroom, please, and your car.

But you guys are
getting this all wrong.

You-You just don't know.

I think we should
put him in jail.

He's just
jerk enough to run.

Robert, tell Mr. Sanderson
I want him to run.

The minute he runs,
he incriminates himself.

Yes. Kermit, Mr. Spaulding
wants him to run.

I heard him.
I heard him.

Nevertheless, Mr. Spaulding, I...
Mr. Spaulding?

Sounds like a cheap
pinball machine.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Hey, Holl! Hey,
can we drop you someplace?

Hi.
Hiya, Holl.

I came by your office
a couple of times,

only that snooty secretary
said you was busy.

I knew she was lyin'.

You came by?
Yeah.

Why don't we go by your place
and have a nice talk?

25th and Taylor, guys!

Pren, do you want to hear a
story that'll tear your heart out?

Guy, Holl, that's the most
heartrending story I ever heard.

You guys want to go
on to the dump by yourselves?

I got a friend in trouble here.
Pick me up the next time past.

The thing is, I don't know
why they did it to me.

And why would Glorianna
lie like that?

Hollis!

Hollis, I saw you go by
and I knew something was wrong.

Gee, Ema Letha, I never
thought you'd talk to me again.

Oh, Hollis!
Well, what's happened?

Well, will you come up
and have some coffee with us?

Sure.

Ema Letha, you want to hear a
story that'll tear your heart out?

Tell her, Holl. Tell her! Well...

Holl got fired, only they creamed him
real good with falsehoods and perfidy.

Why, Hollis, that's the most
disgraceful thing I ever heard.

It tears my heart out.

I signed
a bunch of papers, sure.

But she kept saying,
"Legal, check them. "

Hey! Maybe
it's a frame.

Frame?
What do you mean, a frame?

Like when Warner Baxter got all
fouled up with Basil Rathbone...

about Paris
bein' lousy with graft,

and they framed him by puttin' Paulette
Goddard in his room, in her nightie.

Man, Pren, you come up with
some of the weirdest notions.

Hollis,
I think he's right.

But nobody put any
Paulette Goddard in my room.

No, but they put Glorianna
in your office.

Hollis, you're so honest you can't
see what's pretty obvious to others.

The whole commission
and the mayor...

and maybe old
Charley Spaulding,

they gave you that job with that
fancy secretary just to keep you quiet.

Yeah. And to frame you
in case you got wise.

Like that time Edward Arnold
set up Ronald Coleman...

for a patsy in
Corruption Over Manhattan.

You mean, all those guys
on the third floor...

Why else would they give you
a job where you did nothing...

but sign vouchers
and requisitions?

Hey!

I love it when he gets sore and
his nostrils flare out like that.

He looks like a real mean horse.
You gonna get vengeance, Holl?

Well, they're not gonna
get away with it!

I'll sing! Oh, man, will I sing!
I'll sound like Carmen Lombardo.

Without evidence? What do
you mean, without evidence?

I got all kinds of evidence.
I got... I...

Oh, yeah, that's right.
I... Oh, we'll need evidence.

Sounds like the guys
are back with the truck.

Okay. I'll be right down,
you guys.

We gotta go back and finish the
route, give it one more burning.

Boy, if you don't burn
twice a day in the rubbish game,

the product piles up,
believe me.

Do you know that we get a half a truckload
of paper from the third floor alone?

Well, I better get goin'.
I'll see you guys later.

So long, Pren.
Bye, Pren.

Isn't there some way
you could get some evidence?

Ema Letha, you know,
I just can't get over...

the way that you rallied
around me and everything.

I just don't know how to...

Third floor!

Hey, Pren! Pren!

Do you have to keep doing that? That's
the third time today you've been in here!

We got a saying
down in sanitation:

rubbish brings bacteria
and often diphtheria.

Whoops!

Lunchtime.

Okay, guys!

Okay.
I said okay!

Hey, Holl.!

Holl?

Holl?

No good.

This show's
you can't get careless.

These figures came from Sanderson's
office about some glazed bricks,

and this came right from
old Mr. Spaulding's mansion.

None of it means anything
without the totals.

How long will it take you
to put it all together?

Well, there you go. About
two years, if I'm lucky.

This is one time I could
really use a compu... Leo!

All right, here's what we do. Uh-huh.

We'll take the evidence down to
City Hall tonight and feed it to Leo.

Can you get tomorrow off? I think so.

We'll have a case
against them by morning.

Gas up the car.
Right.

And you go to the state capitol
and tell them what we're doin'.

Go right to the
attorney general's office.

Maybe I'd better move the trash if
I'm gonna gas up your car. Good idea.

Trash? Wait a minute.
What did you do with it?

I piled it in the driveway
'til the guys come back.

You can't leave trash
in the middle of a driveway.

Easy now.

Not at the same time.

Uh, you go first.

I'm not gonna
comment on that.

Turn on the lights.

Isn't it kinda dumb
to go and turn on the lights?

The lights are supposed to be on
down here. Bring me the evidence.

That's the last one, Holl.

Good.

Shhh. Who's humming?

That's Leo.
He's partly activated.

Sure is a monotonous tune.

Remember when Fredric March
was a jewel thief...

and he thought
he heard footsteps?

There. Now the evidence
is in the memory bank.

All we gotta do is turn Leo on. We'll
have enough evidence to send them up...

What's eatin'you?

Let's get outta here.

Here, take this.
They can't run Leo without it.

We've gotta get back to Leo
and get that evidence.

Let's get outta here.
What about Leo?

We'll come back later.

This Hollis Figg
has evidence, you say?

Yes, sir.

We've been starting
our own investigation at Dalton.

This might be
the very thing we need.

Is his evidence substantial?

I think so. I'm supposed
to call him later today.

Well, after you talk to him,
let me know, Miss Kusic.

All right.
And thank you.

I hope I've been of some help.
Appreciate your coming in.

Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.

Will that be all? Uh,
yes, Gerard. Thank you.

I thought you'd like to know...
there's a young lady up here...

who says she has
enough evidence...

to put your whole
department away.

Poopheads.!

Where did he get evidence,
if one of you didn't give it to him?

Did Figg leave town,
Kermit?

No. You see there? Kermit says...

I heard what he said.
Do you think I'm deaf?

Have Figg picked up
and thrown into jail.

So when the state comes
after us, we'll have him.

Are you making notes
of this meeting?

Yes. Yes, I am.

You make notes of a meeting
where we're framing somebody?

You poophead!

By my Aunt Bertha's
blue bustle,

if you people don't start
doing some thinking on your own,

I'll round up another bunch
of dummies to run this town.

Do I make myself clear?

- Yes, Mr. Spaulding.
- Perfectly clear.

The police department
will issue a warrant...

for Figg's arrest, Mr.
Spaulding, so there won't be...

Mr. Spaulding.!

Dr. Schmidt, would you
please wake up Mr. Spaulding?

I have no idea how to
proceed after arresting Figg.

He's dead.

He's dead?

Yeah. And they say
the last thing he did...

was get out a warrant
for your arrest.

They're closin' in! Yeah,
it's weird, ain't it?

One minute you could be
walking around free,

and the next minute you
can't even sit up in bed.

We've gotta get to Leo and get that
evidence. But there's one problem.

That night watchman likes to sit in
the same room and listen to the radio.

It'd be dumb
to go up there tonight.

Aaah! Oooh!

Cuisine de France restaurant.
Pierre speaking.

Oh, hi, Ema Letha.
It's me.

No, I had to do that. They've
got a warrant out for me.

Yeah. And
old Charley's dead.

That's why they're buryin'
him tomorrow. From City Hall.

They're buryin' him... They're buryin' him
tomorrow? The guy hasn't even cooled off.

"Bury me quick. "

Oh, everything's just
moving so fast, I can't...

Oh, Ema Letha, now,
calm is as calm does.

But I mean, when there's a whole
city out to get you, why, you just...

Yeah... Huh?
Well, yeah, I know, but...

But you see, all the evidence is in Leo,
and I gotta get down and get it.

But some fathead night watchman
likes to sit there all night.

Huh? What's that?

By golly, Ema Letha, I think
you've got something there.

I'll do it! Yeah!

All right, now you tell the attorney
general where the evidence is,

and tell him I'll have it in his
hands within the next 24 hours.

Yeah. Yeah. Huh?

Yeah, well, I love you too.

Guy, Holl, I think that's neat the way
she makes you tell her you love her.

Yeah, well, listenin' in
on people's conversations...

is right up there in the high
echelons of rudeness, Pren.

What are you gonna do?

You'll see.
Tomorrow at the funeral.

Thank you. Thank you.
You're a nice boy.

Here's a shiny penny
for your future.

There you go.

It's okay, lady.
I'll call the police.

Pren, it's me.
Let him go.

Let him go!

You look terrific, Holl. Like
that time Maria Ouspenskaya...

Cool it, cool it, cool it.
We gotta get to Leo.

See if there's a window
open someplace.

Message received and noted.

Uh, are you with
the funeral party, madam?

Uh, yes, yes.

Poor Charley was
such a kind man. Oh!

Now, now.
Oh, thank you.

What are we gonna do
after we bury him?

Why do you keep
asking that?

And why are you so sharp? Your department
couldn't even pick up a clod like Figg.

That's right,
you couldn't.

Gentlemen, gentlemen,
gentlemen, please!

Now that I
am running things...

All right, we still
have to bury old Charley.

Let's go downstairs
and get him in the ground.

Hello? What?

It's Gerard
at the state capitol.

Hello?
The memory bank?

It is?

Oh, my God!

What is it?
What?

That same woman just told
the attorney general's office...

that the evidence
is still in the computer.

Come on. I'll explain
on the way to the basement.

Well, it's not working.
It's broken.

Robert, just
stand aside there.

No wonder it's not working! The
cartridge is gone. I'll bet Figg took it.

Let's get another one.
What other one?

The company that made this has
been out of business for five years.

It'll take us days
to have another cartridge made.

As usual, Charley bought us
the Edsel of computers.

We just can't leave
that stuff in there.

Kermit, I... I'm gonna
get a sledgehammer.

Now, wait a minute, Robert.
You always act like a jerk.

I thought when you became mayor,
you wouldn't...

If we smash this thing, the public will
know there was collusion on our part.

We have got to do something.
We can't leave it here.

Where can we hide it?

I wonder what old Charley
would have done.

He would've come up with
some sort of solution.

I don't know what
old Charley would've done,

but I've got an idea that
would do old Charley credit.

Ah-hah. Ah-hah!

But-But-But what are we
gonna do about...

Uh, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no.

Uh, this way, Mother.

A man whose civic pride...

was only exceeded...

by his great
personal warmth.

A man who
left his mark...

on every human being
he met,

every day
of his long, rich life.

Charles Spaulding
was in the habit...

of giving pennies to strangers
and to little children.

But these were not
merely pennies.

They were pieces
ofhis boundless...

bountiful... heart.

Charles Spaulding
was more than a man.

When it came
to civic problems,

he was a machine.

A tireless machine.

Oh, excuse me. Go right back
to whatever you're doin'.

Always seeking to find
ways and means...

to improve
the financial status...

of our fine city.

If there was an extra dime...

that could swell
the city coffer...

Why don't you just announce on a
loudspeaker you're looking for me?

Only recently...

This is our chance.
Come on.

Be careful!
Watch it!

It can't be!

Somebody swiped
the whole memory bank.

Where would they hide
a thing like that?

I don't know. It'd be hard to sneak
outside. It's probably in the building.

We gotta find it. I think we oughta
cover every inch of this building,

even if we have to cover
every inch of this building.

Come on.

Maybe we should've started
here on the third floor first.

Yeah, well, it's good they
gave everybody a holiday.

Come on,
let's get started.

Pren, you saw how big the
memory bank was, right?

Then how come you're lookin' in
dumb places like under ashtrays?

I thought they
might've taken it apart.

They didn't take it apart.
They put it someplace big.

Like maybe in that
closet over there.

Hey, Holl, the...

Ho... Holl?

Did you find it?

Let's get outta here, Holl. I
don't like bein'around no dead guy.

That's my first dead guy.
Let's get outta here.

Why would they say they're burying
old Charley and then leave him here?

Do you suppose
they forgot him?

Maybe they buried the computer instead
of Mr. Spaulding, for some reason.

You come up with some paperheaded
ideas, Pren. Think it through!

Why would they bury a memory bank instead
of a man? Mr. Spaulding needs burying.

And yet what they did was, they buried
the memory bank instead of Mr. Spaulding.

- Isn't that what I just said?
- Yeah.

But somehow you didn't
word it right. Come on!

Where are the shovels?

You can't climb the wall and carry
shovels at the same time, Holl.

Back. And don't show yourself over
that wall without those shovels.

Holl!

Oh, you... You know what
you don't have, Pren? Judgment!

People just don't
sneak up on people...

in a graveyard late at night and tap 'em
on the shoulder... you just don't do that!

Message received and noted.

Yeah, well...
Okay, come on.

Holl, this is gettin'
real scary.

Which way's the grave?

Shhh! I've gotta
get my bearings.

Holl?

Holl?

Hollis?

You wanna see
a neat little house, Holl?

That's a tomb!
Let's get out of here.

This is it.
Blow out that candle.

Maybe it's that one
over there.

No, this is it.
I remember the flowers.

That one has flowers too.

Holl, it's just that...

I don't wanna go and dig
all the way down there...

and open up the thing...

and have some old lady
starin' up at me...

with maybe pennies
on her eyes.

Start diggin'.

That's it!

Okay.

All right, now...

I'll hold the flashlight,
and you open it.

Holl! That's all I need
is for that old lady...

to sit up in that coffin
and call me a ghoul or somethin'.

Like that time Fay Wray
sat up in the mummy case...

after bein' soaked
in formaldehyde.

Prentiss Gates,
you open that coffin!

No. It's my flashlight.
You open it.

If she sits up, drive a
wooden stake through her heart.

Guess who's gonna get a wooden stake through
their heart if you don't stop flappin' your jaws?

It's him! Hi, Leo.

Thank goodness it's you.

All right, let's
get him out of here.

We can't get him out of here. He's
too heavy. We'd get a triple hernia.

They only go up to double.
But you're right.

We're just gonna have
to run him right here.

How are we gonna
do that, Holl?

Ever hear of such a thing
as an extension cord?

Message received and noted.

Uh, hello? I'm sorry to be calling so late,

but it's sort of an emergency,
Mr. Wilson.

I wonder if you
could open the store?

W-Well, do you have a nice,
long extension cord?

Oh, good.
Well, we paced it off.

We'll need about
a mile and a half.

Mr. Wilson?
M... Mr...

Well, he hung up.

All right, what
are we gonna do?

We gotta get electricity
to Leo, Holl.

Desperate straits
take desperate measures.

Did you say that? Once
in a while I get lucky.

Gunshots, Shouting]

You forget to turn the electric
blanket on again, Lorine?

I got news for you, Berle. I can't
even find the electric blanket.

Car 34. Car 34.

Be on the lookout forjuveniles suspected
of stealing electrical appliances.

Ten four.
Ten fo...

All right. Now I'll get down in
there and replace the cartridge.

And you hand me
the extension.

Hey, wouldn't it be weird
if you passed out or somethin',

and tomorrow they buried
you and Leo in a common grave?

Just hand me
the rest of the cord.

That's it.

What do you mean?
Hand me the rest of the cord.

That's the whole thing, Holl.

You work and you plan
and you figure things out,

and then life ups and
hits you right in the gut...

and you're three feet
short of your goal.

What's it all about?

We're all tools.

Life's just a crock!

All right.
Help me out of here.

We'll go someplace and
get some more extension.

Okay. Only, why don't you just
plug it in right there?

You mean, that's
been there all the time?

And you knew it?

I thought you wanted
to do it dramatic.

All right, disconnect some of the
extension cord and plug it in there.

I'm sorry I said that
life was just a crock.

You're a crock!

What's the matter with Leo?
Is he sick or somethin'?

Are you sure you hooked
it in good? Scouts honor.

That's it, boy.
That's it. Come on.

Come on, now.
The evidence.

Maybe you hurt him when you
smacked him or somethin'.

Quiet, Pren. Quiet.

Let's get outta here,
quick!

It's no use.

It's just no use. Blank.

Yeah. Who cares about some guy
named Bellinger who's got a road?

Shh. Yeah.

Let me see that card.

This is it! Bellinger Road,
the Mercy Hospital.

The whole works!

Oh, boy!

How about this one, Holl?
Yeah! Yeah!

We did it, Pren!
We did it!

We got enough here to put those guys
behind bars for the next 300 years!

We did it, Pren!
We did it!

We did it!
Leo, thank you...

De... Le...

He's gone, Holl.

There is no finer thing
that a machine can do...

than to give
his last transistor...

for his friends
and his township.

Oh, Hollis, just look!
Isn't Brazil gorgeous?

It sure is. Everything'd
be just perfect...

if only those rotten crooks
hadn't gotten away.

Hollis, the city gave us this
wonderful honeymoon as a reward.

Let's not spoil it.
Okay?

Okay.

I hope you people have
the honeymoon suite... ready.

Uh, si, senor.

Senor, this way.

Uh, honeymoon suite, please.

Figg's the name.
Mr. and Mrs. F...

Ah, Senor Figg, welcome.

It is waiting for you.
Your room.

Attenci�n.

If there is anything
that you wish more, senor,

you have only
to sign for it.

Hollis, a balcony!

Ema Letha, did you
notice anything weird...

about the bellman and the
desk clerk and the doorman?

No. Why?

Well, I... I know
this sounds kind of dumb,

but they all look like the whole
city commission back in Dalton.

You know why?

Because my boy still has
that awful mess on his mind,

and all he can see
are those faces.

You think so?
I know so.

But I'm gonna change
all that.