Original subtitles

"Barney's Kid."

Who?

There's a horse running in the third tomorrow

named Barney's Kid.

I can't pass that up.

Oh, man.

I didn't know you were a hunch player.

I'm not.

I just got a feeling about it.

Hey Nick, how much money would you have

if you never bet on a horse?

Oh, I'd have about five or six thousand.

But if I never bet a loser,

I'd have about three million.

Tough choice, ain't it?

Wojo, you got, uh, applications in

for the sergeant's exam again.

Do you wanna give it another shot?

Nah.

I blew it twice already.

Wojo, did you know that Albert Einstein

flunked Mathematics in school?

You're kidding.

Went on to become the "Father of the Nuclear Age."

Really?

Think about it.

Hey, Nick.

Yeah?

Uh, did you know that Einstein flunked Math in school?

So did I.

That's right. And... And... And y-you made sergeant.

Huh.

Heh. Just goes to show you, don't it?

Polish Dream in the fourth.

Good Evening, Fish.

That's a very lovely thought, but I don't think so.

How you doing, Fish? Just get back from the beach?

No, I've been to the doctor.

A man with 26 years of formal training

and this is the best he can come up with.

I have to make a choice:

I can spend the rest of my life sitting on...

On this thing, or resort to brutal

and degrading surgery.

Same old thing, huh?

Mm-hm, yeah.

Listen, from what I hear, it's...

It's not a very serious operation.

I mean, it's uncomfortable and inconvenient

but not serious.

That's what I hear, but I've never had an operation.

I still have my tonsils.

You don't suppose, uh, there's some connection?

I doubt it.

Twelfth Precinct, Det. Sgt. Amenguale speaking.

Oh. All right. Fine.

Uh... Uh... Right.

Okay, we'll be right there.

Barney, fight broke out at the Pine Room Grill.

Greenwich Hotel.

They're off and running early tonight.

Well... Okay. Take Nick.

Nick. Come on, let's go.

We got, uh, business. Okay.

But I give you fair warning:

I'm retiring after the fourth race tomorrow.

Twelfth Precinct. Wojciehowicz.

Oh, uh, yeah, Bernice. Just a second. Hey, Fish.

Yeah. Line two.

Oh.

Hello. Yes, Bernice.

Yes, he examined me

and, uh, said what he's been saying for 18 years:

I need an operation.

Well, at least we'll save some money.

All the ointment I've been buying

for 20 years, uh...

we could have bought a... A boat.

Don't cry. Don't cry, Bernice.

You'll just aggravate my condition.

Well, I'm giving it some thought.

I-I-I'm thinking about it.

No, I don't think it's something we should discuss together.

It's not, uh...

It's not as though they're community property.

Goodbye, Bernice.

Uh,

Fish, uh, a-anything I can do for you?

Nothing that counts.

Well, uh... Uh, y-you think of something, you...

You be sure and let me know, all right?

Thank you.

Hey, Fish. Huh?

What...? Uh... Yeah?

Uh, what...? What...? What do you think are the...?

The three most i-important, uh, r-requisites

for sergeant in the New York Police force?

Why?

Well, I'm taking the exam again.

Uh, I need your help.

Well,

sergeant of detectives has to be a courageous,

natural leader.

Should have a keen eye for minute details.

Ugh. And he should drink...

And he should drink plenty of water.

Really hurts, huh?

Oh, it's killing me.

If I didn't have to be

such a courageous and natural leader,

I'd stand up on my chair and scream.

Well, uh, hang in there.

It's not... Not... Not the worst operation you ever had.

I never had an operation in my life.

You're kidding.

Why would I kid you?

I don't know. I, uh...

You just always struck me as a man

who had a lot of operations.

Hey, uh, Fish? Yeah?

You know Detective, uh, Dickerson

over at Manhattan South? Yeah.

He just had this very same operation.

And today, he's a new man.

I mean, he plays golf, tennis, handball, goes dancing.

Can he sit?

Uh, I never saw him do that.

Uh, Barney, can I help you with something?

No, I just gotta get something out of the files.

Uh, Just tell me what it is. I'll get it.

Requisition files for, uh, last quarter of '75.

Thank you. Coming right up.

Fish. Yeah?

We're starting to stick out like sore thumbs.

I'd settle for that.

Okay. All right. All right! Knock it off, gentlemen.

You're in the proverbial jug now, huh?

What have we got here?

Oh, this is our commanding officer,

Captain Barney Miller.

Barney, I'd like you to meet Dr. Alvin Crane of Manhattan

and Mr. Phillip Shroeder of likewise.

Gentlemen.

Charging each other with assault.

Greenwich Hotel is charging them.

Disturbing the peace. Empty your pockets over there.

You, over here. Huh? Thank you.

I hesitate to ask this question, but who started it?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

One at a time. Doctor.

He spit an olive in my face.

I didn't spit. I coughed.

Um, uh, listen to that. As if a trained physician

can't tell the difference between a spit and a cough.

All that training doesn't seem to screen out

the hacks and butchers that pass themselves off as doctors.

Oh, God.

Sure, more proselytizing.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Doctor.

Doc, you're in a police station.

Publicity to shove your rates... Hey.

How would you like a little...?

Would you please sit down here?

Take it easy, huh? Sit down, there, huh?

Barney, Mr. Shroeder is in the insurance business.

They were discussing malpractice premiums, see?

Ah, any fatalities?

No, it was a philosophic discussion.

But then it degenerated

into pummeling and obscene language.

We have two lady witnesses,

by the way. Mm.

They were suckin' up boilermakers

at the end of the bar.

Gentlemen, I'm ashamed of you.

Two obviously intelligent professional men

who are incapable of...

Of articulating a point of view

without resorting to violence.

I'm up to here with thievery.

Yeah, well, how about incompetence

and kickbacks and featherbedding?

Not to mention unnecessary surgery.

Oh, God!

Okay, you... You just hold on right there.

Barney, Barney, there's heist going on in a jewelry store

over on Sixth Avenue right now.

Security guard across the street

saw a flashlight in the window. Patrol cars?

They're on their way. Barn, here you go.

Uh, go with Wojo. Okay.

And no heroics, huh?

Don't go in without a backup.

Speaking of jacked up prices,

may I call my lawyer?

Certainly.

Uh, Mr. Shroeder,

you're entitled to the same: one phone call.

Oh, I don't need a lawyer.

I'm covered for this sort of thing.

Can I help you?

Why, that's a very generous offer

because sometimes it moves too fast

to make friends.

What moves too fast?

The escalator of life,

on its way to that biggest of all

mezzanine.

That's a very profound thought.

You must be a philosopher, huh?

No, I'm a bum. A bum.

Well, what, uh, do we have here?

Oh, Barney, this is a bum.

Uh, he's known by the name of Mr...

Randolph Cook.

My friends call me Randy or Randolph or Cook.

Uh, what can we do for you?

I'm, uh, Captain Miller.

Is that like Sargent Shriver?

The name is Barney Miller. The rank is captain.

Barney, it's a pleasure.

Uh, heh,

little busy around here, uh, Randy.

What can we do for you?

Barney, I am a man of the land.

And as such, I sleep wherever I can.

Even if it means sleeping in the dirt.

I can see that.

I love to sleep outside.

But not in New York City.

Ah. Because there are just

too many people trying to run the wrong way.

On the escalator of life.

Charming, charming.

But I'm afraid our accommodations here

are quite limited, as you can see.

Oh, I don't require much space.

I'm afraid we're not in the hotel business.

Ah, yes, but you do arrest vagrants.

Check and mate.

Why don't you have a seat, uh, Randy.

Uh, thank you, Barney.

Twelfth Precinct. Yemana.

Yeah, he's here.

You wanna hang on?

Okay. Hey, Fish.

Yeah? The, uh, admissions, uh, office

from, uh, Herkimer General Hospital

is on line one.

Thanks.

Gonna do it?

I'm just getting some quotes. That's all.

It's best to get it over with.

A few days rest, relaxation.

Sponge baths.

I don't like hospitals.

They're full of sick people and relatives.

Yes, this is, uh, Sergeant Fish.

I, uh, was thinking of having some surgery done

and I wanted to inquire as to your rates. Uh...

Uh, how much do you charge for a private room?

What is it for one day?

That is for one day?

And that parasite is one of the reasons...

Who are you calling a parasite?

Take it easy. Sit down.

You know, your insurance rates wouldn't be nearly so high

if these hotshot doctors weren't so anxious

to get back to the golf course

that they rush around and leave their tools

inside their patients.

You've never made a mistake in your work?

Just sit down. Hey, hey.

We're only human, you know.

Oh, God.

All right! Just take it easy.

You'll find yourself in jail for a few days,

away from that precious work you're arguing about.

I don't care.

I'm on strike anyway.

I closed my office to remind my colleagues

that what happens in California happens in New York

and vice versa.

What's he mean?

I think the Dodgers are coming back.

Twelfth Precinct. Yemana.

Yeah.

Yeah. You're kidding.

Yeah.

Barney, that was dispatch.

Uh, there was somebody in the jeweler's.

A-and he got away.

Harris and Wojo are chasing him through the sewers.

Through the sewers?

Yeah. Down there?

I'd better wait.

I could be obstructing justice.

Two more for first class.

Okay, inside, gentlemen.

Dr. Crane, Mr. Cook. Mr. Cook, Dr. Crane.

Mr. Shroeder, Mr. Cook. Mr. Cook, Mr. Shroeder.

Inside. No spitting on the floor and no gambling, okay?

Hey Barney, we got prints, pictures,

and the complaints.

What do you wanna do with them now?

I think it's entirely up to them.

Nice to have control of your own destiny, ain't it?

Don't ask me. Heh-heh.

Gentlemen, I'm gonna need your signatures

on these complaint forms

charging each other with assault.

And I, uh, spoke to the management

of the Greenwich Hotel.

They say they'd be willing to drop charges

if you'll make good the cost of one broken barstool

and $5.50 for two drinks as yet unpaid for.

Well, I'm not paying for it.

Well, I'm not paying it.

You know I'm not.

No rush. Take your time.

I'll be nearby if you want me.

My insurance has nothing to do with it,

Dr., uh, Sutterman.

I just resent having to pay more money

to a hospital for one day

than I have to pay for my home for an entire month.

Are you sure I need surgery?

Well, why can't you do it in your office?

I fell in a sewer.

What happened out here?

He fell in the sewer.

This is a $200 outfit.

This stuff will never come out of here.

Wasn't designed to!

Who asked you?

Come on, come on, come on. Oh, man.

Oh, man.

Go on. Sit over there

What are you mad about?

Shut up Hm.

What happened?

Oh, this creep.

Angelo Molinari. They call him "The Mole."

And I wonder why.

He... He tried to rip-off Van Loowen's Jewelry store.

So when we got there, he got out the back door...

Wojo, tell me the rest on the phone.

I gotta go to the bathroom.

Downstairs.

I'm going with you. I want some fresh air.

Hey! Hey, what about us?!

This is unbearable in here!

Hey, pipe down you guys.

I don't like it any better than you do.

Twelfth Precinct. Wojciehowicz.

Oh, hiya, Barn.

Well, I guess the guy went out the back door

and down the alley and ran down the street

and ran in a Con Edison manhole.

So Harris and me had to go after him.

Of all the cops in New York, I get a couple of hot dogs

who are crazy enough to chase me through a sewer.

In the old days,

they'd throw a couple of bullets over your head and that's it.

Better luck next time, Mr. Molinari.

Don't give me that.

Ah, there won't be no more next time.

You plan, you dream, you break your neck.

Nah, nah. I had it with this business.

I don't know. What am I...? Who am I kidding?

But they wouldn't take him at Manhattan South, Barn.

Nobody would put him in a car.

They said, uh, we had to clean him up

before we took him over there.

Half the stuff you get is junk anyway.

You gotta dump it for 10 percent.

What, you think this stuff is... Is cheap?

Forty bucks, leotards.

And where are you gonna find a sweater and a ski mask

that won't itch for under a hundred?

Uh, okay.

Okay, okay, okay. I'll throw him in the shower

down in the locker room.

Me too?

Okay.

Hooks and ladders and a watch with dates and bells.

Who needs it?

What, am I kidding myself?

Here, it's every man for himself!

Hey, uh, Barney? Yeah?

Would you approve this requisition for me, please?

I wanna get it to the, uh, finance office

first thing in the morning. What do you got?

One custom-tailored sport jacket,

$165.

One pair of custom-tailored slacks,

$55.

One custom-tailored shirt,

$30.

Total, $250.

Yeah, I'm gonna eat the tie and the socks.

I'll sign it for you. But, uh, I don't, uh,

give you much for your chances.

And when you... When you get out of uniform,

you're supposed to, uh, take care of your own clothing.

Come on. They can't expect me to take that kind of loss.

You know what you're gonna have to do?

You're gonna have to start dressing down.

I can't do it, Barney.

Hey, I've tried and I j...

I can't make it out of the house.

I just cannot do it.

- Captain Miller. - Yeah?

Can we see you for a minute?

Yes, certainly. What can I do for you?

Okay, we've come to terms.

Good. We're gonna drop the charges

and we're gonna split the cost of the barstool.

And I'll pay for the drinks.

How come?

Well, I was buying when the fight started.

Drumming up business.

Don't start... Dr. Crane,

can't you let sleeping dogs lie.

My sentiments exactly.

Okay, gentlemen. Chano, would you, uh,

give these gentlemen back their belongings?

Oh, sure, Barney.

All right. Step this way, please.

Now what's the matter?

Well, I banged my knee

when I tripped over that alligator.

What alligator?

Didn't you see it?

It was about two feet long.

Sewers are full of them.

Yeah, Jewish kids bring them back from Miami,

then they flush them down the toilet.

Hey, look. Teeth marks.

Barney he's right. Something bit him.

It's a jungle down there.

Uh, Dr. Crane, can you take a look at this man's leg?

Oh, not me. I can't afford to get involved.

Let me have a look. Oh, that's not so bad.

Wash it with peroxide, spray with Merthiolate,

cover it with a loose bandage.

And tomorrow, get yourself a tetanus shot.

Big deal.

I'll, uh... I'll get a first-aid kit.

Okay.

Uh, Harris, would you, uh, put our friend in the cage?

Okay, Barney.

Let's go buddy.

Yeah, you never would have got me

if it hadn't been for that alligator.

Yeah, I wouldn't have got you

if I'd have known he was down there.

Ah, listen, the whole thing

was a waste of time and money. Yeah.

Gentlemen, really.

I don't like to seem inhospitable,

but don't you have something in solitary confinement?

Yes, but, uh, we keep our toilet in there.

Special shoes, glass cutters,

thermal underwear.

I beg your pardon...

And you wanna talk about luck?

I wasn't thinking of it.

I gotta talk and stir or I'll go crazy.

Hey, stick your foot through the bars.

You know, in the last ten years

I probably broke every bone in my body.

You know in 1965,

I fell off a ledge over on Riverside Drive?

Could we sleep at all? Captain. Captain Miller.

Yes?

I have a confession to make.

I'm here on false pretenses.

You're not a vagrant?

On the contrary, I'm a rich eccentric.

My last book of poetry has gone into its fourth printing.

And the royalties are pouring in so fast

I don't have time to cash the checks.

In that case, you don't belong in here.

Thank you very much.

I'm so sorry that it didn't work out.

Maybe next time.

Goodbye. Mr. Cook.

Yes? Look, uh,

I'm sure your, uh, publishing offices

aren't open at this time of night.

Why don't you take this, uh, to tide you over, huh?

That's very kind of you.

I'll mention you on my next flyleaf.

Yes? Could you direct me

to the 14th Precinct?

The 14th... Sure. You go over to...

Here, you go over to 11th Avenue

and you take the M bus and, uh...

Barney?

Yeah?

Can I have about 10 days leave?

You're gonna do it.

Well, it's not getting any better

and I'm not getting any younger.

Yeah.

And that doughnut don't work too good.

And I got a good doctor.

All good reasons.

And Bernice's sister is coming for the week.

Ah.

Barney, I, uh... I fixed the Mole's foot.

Oh, good.

Uh, Barn.

That... That was really something,

what... What you did for Mr. Cook.

That money must have seemed like a fortune to him.

Well...

And the point is, Barn, that...

That you didn't have to do it and...

And... And nobody was watching,

so it isn't like you get credit for it, you know?

That's what's so special.

Thank you, Wojo.

Would you get me $10 out of petty cash?

Oh. Hey, hey, I, uh...

Uh, I'm only kidding.

Oh. Oh.

Yeah, well, it's a good thing you were kidding, 'cause we...

We don't have $10 in petty cash.