Original subtitles

Hey Chano, you know what your body's worth?

I, among others, have a pretty good idea.

Ninety-three dollars.

That's what it says here the blood and chemicals come to.

Oh, man, maybe that's what your body's worth.

But, I mean, I got more than just blood and chemicals.

I mean, there's wit, charm.

Ninety-four dollars.

Come on, come on, come on, Hey, man, don't push.

Hey, hey, I don't want anymore trouble out of you.

Hey, look, these cuffs are so tight I can't breathe.

Oh, I think my wrist is broke.

Hey, I want to see a doctor.

I don't want to hear anymore out of you

unless it's a confession.

You print him?

Yeah, and it wasn't easy.

What do you got on him?

Positive ID from the victim.

I caught him with the purse.

Uh, I'm Lawrence Speigelgass, Public Defenders office.

I'm a lawyer. Congratulations.

Is there a, uh, Joseph Bretano here?

Yeah, that's me. Where you been?

Oh, uh, Mr. Bretano, I'm Lawrence Speigelgass

Mr. Speigelgass, I'm Captain Miller.

This is Detective Wojciehowicz, the arresting officer.

Uh, what's he charged with?

He grabbed a lady's purse over on Fourteenth Street.

Allegedly grabbed a purse.

Yeah, and he allegedly almost tore her arm off.

May I confer with my client in private?

Sure, who cares?

Who cares?

They can't do this.

What's that?

My insurance company.

They're raising the premium on my life insurance policy

$50 a month.

Oh, that's not fair, man.

You ought to pay less as you get closer.

Captain Miller, I'd just like to inform you

that I am, uh, lodging a formal complaint

with the District Attorney's office

in regard to Detective Wojahojo's actions.

That's Wojciehowicz.

Uh, that's correct.

What grounds?

On the grounds that he verbally and physically threatened

the life of my client.

He's nuts, Barney. All right, take it easy.

There's a definite violation of Mr. Bretano's rights, here.

Hey, the guy was out of line. He resisted arrest.

Hey, man, you threatened me.

Oh, blow it out...

Okay, Wojo. Take it easy.

You got a report to finish.

Right, captain.

Now, I don't want to tell you

how to defend your client, Mr. Speigelgass.

But, uh, I think you should know that Detective Wojciehowicz

has an exemplary and unblemished record.

Up until now. Good day, captain.

I just got off the phone with Internal Affairs.

They want to see you downtown.

What for?

Seems our friend Speigelgass wasn't kidding.

He's filed formal charges.

Coercion, intimidation,

threatening the well-being of a suspect.

Oh, well, that's a crock of beans, Barn.

I've been looking though your report.

It says here, uh,

"The alleged purse snatcher, then proceeded to resist arrest,

to which I suggested he shouldn't."

Right.

Uh, part of the matter seems to be the suggestion.

How did you, uh, put it?

Well, I don't remember the exact words.

Was it intimidating?

No, I don't think so.

Well, what did you say?

"I suggest you stop resisting arrest"?

Not exactly.

How did you put it?

Well, you know, something like, uh,

"Knock that off or I'll grab your tongue."

Grab your tongue?

"And pull it out."

I don't care what the results of my exam were.

X-rays can be, uh, misleading.

Well, so long, you guys. See you around, I hope.

Where are you going?

I gotta go down to Internal Affairs.

Oh.

Well, listen, Wojo, if I don't see you around, uh,

Merry Christmas.

Hey, uh, Chano. What?

You ever been down there?

Oh, no.

I stay away from those guys.

Nick.

Not since Pearl Harbor.

Hey, Barney.

Over on Second Avenue,

some guy is, uh, knocking over newspaper racks.

I wouldn't imagine there'd be much money in that.

He's not robbing them. He's just knocking them over.

My mistake.

Boy I'll tell you,

sometimes when I read those headlines,

I want to knock them over myself, you know?

Civil War in Angola.

Oil Spills Off the Coast.

Bribes Revealed.

Suede and Leather Prices Going Up.

Harris, that's what I like about you: your priorities.

My guy.

Would you please just take it easy, Mr. Fromkis?

Listen, I'm a man with morals.

And I'm prepared to go to the chair for that.

Well, would you start by going to that chair, please?

What do we got here? Oh, it's Mr. Fromkis.

Of Fromkis Fine Foods.

He's been knocking over newspaper racks

in front of his delicatessen.

Filthy newspaper racks.

Twenty-three of them.

And each one filthier than the other.

Yeah, they're laying all over the place,

busted into and, uh, empty.

I kept all the evidence.

Dirty, filthy evidence.

Plese, would you sit down over there, Mr. Fromkis?

Barney, we interviewed some witnesses,

and found Mr. Fromkis in the back of his store.

I wasn't hiding. I was sorting.

Yeah. Mr. Fromkis has a very extensive collection

of pornographic literature.

Literature?

Pride and Prejudice is literature. This is garbage.

I want all those people arrested.

Uh, I don't, uh, think that's possible, Mr. Fromkis.

I'm a taxpayer. Don't I have the right

to make out a complaint?

You certainly do, Mr. Fromkis.

Uh, Detective Harris is going to, uh...

Detective Harris? Hm?

Is going to, uh, catalogue all this material

and he will make out a report,

which will be forwarded to the proper authorities.

In the meantime, uh, Sergeant...

In the meantime, Sergeant Amenguale here

has some questions for you, if you don't mind.

Fair's fair.

Nick, uh, why don't you get Mr. Fromkis some coffee.

Sure.

Hey, how did it go?

I don't know.

Who'd you talk to?

Some, uh, lieutenant.

I told him what happened

and then he sent me down to the doctor.

A head shrinker.

Psychiatric evaluation, huh?

Whatever. Yeah, talk about a federal case.

Hold on.

Barney, division commander for you.

I'll take it in my office.

Hey, Fish, you ought to see some of this stuff.

Why?

I need this for official business.

All of them?

Oh, man, I don't believe it.

Just because some punk cries

about not getting treated with kid gloves,

I gotta go down there and spend the whole morning

just looking at dirt spots on cardboard.

Like I was flaky or something.

Give you the Rorschach test, huh?

Yeah, whatever they call it.

What did you tell them the spots looked like?

I don't know. Some of them look like, uh, animals.

Some of them looked like people.

Some of them looked like that.

It's, uh, required reading.

I'm taking a crash course in degeneracy.

Wow, look at that.

Oh, I ain't never seen nothing like this before.

Of course not.

They wouldn't put stuff like that

in front of the police station.

You gotta walk three blocks.

Wojo?

Here you go, Mr. Fromkis. Just made it fresh.

Thank you.

You know, you think you've been disgusted

about as much as you can be disgusted,

and then something suddenly happens

and you're more disgusting.

Would you rather have some tea?

That was division commander.

Uh-huh.

Pending further inquiry, you've been suspended from field duty.

You're kidding. I wish I were.

That psychiatrist who did the evaluation on you

has recommended that you be restricted to... To desk duty

and that you turn in your gun.

But what for?

Temporarily you are considered a risk.

Barney, that's crazy. Of course it's crazy.

And it's not the end of it.

Well, I mean, who is this guy, anyway, huh?

Dr. Paul Nathan Esterhazy.

He's a consultant. Works for the department.

He's, uh... You know.

What kind of name is Esterhazy?

I think it's Hungarian.

Figures.

Wojo, the best way to handle this is through channels.

And I promise you I'll take it all the way downtown.

Now, just do me a favor:

Relax, spend a few days at your desk

and let me have your gun.

Risk?

What kind of risk?

Lucky for him I have to turn that thing in.

No, commissioner, I am not trying to ignore medical facts.

What I am... What I am saying

is that Dr. Esterhazy spent a total of 20 minutes

with... With Detective Wojciehowicz,

while I have worked intimately with the man

for the past two years.

Therefore, I...

No, I do not have a degree in that area. No.

That doesn't...

Yes, I certainly would welcome the opportunity

to discuss it with him.

He's coming down here? What is he coming down here for?

What further evaluations?

What members of the Twelfth Precinct?

What do you mean inquisitive?

Hey, boys.

Hello, inspector.

Let's hear it for the old inspector.

Hey, Wojo, I understand you're getting

a little reputation, huh?

Going out there, doing your job, kicking tail.

Good man. Way to go.

Yeah, doing my job and getting myself suspended.

Ah! Well, you still got a lot to learn, Wojo.

In time you'll find out that harassment is a skill

like anything else.

You know, they took away my gun, inspector.

I know how you feel. I know how you feel.

I wish I had a nickel for every time I had to walk around

collecting dust in my holster.

Sure. And, uh, Dr. Esterhazy,

he says I'm psychologically unstable.

Them shrinks, they're all a bunch of cockaboos.

Ha! You should have heard what one of them told me one time

why the reason I ain't married.

Where's Barney?

Oh, he's in there talking to the commander on the phone.

Ah, well, I'm in no hurry. I'll wait.

Hiya, Harris.

Hello, inspector.

Yeah, well, your premiums are way out of line

and... And you're gonna make a deal

or I'm gonna take my business elsewhere.

That's right. I'm switching from reducing term to regular life

because it looks that I may live longer than I'd hoped.

Uh, I'm Dr. Paul Esterhazy. I'm looking for Captain Miller.

Oh, he's in his office. He'll be out in a minute.

Uh, Barn, what...? What did the commissioner say?

He said it's up to God and Dr. Paul Nathan Esterhazy.

How do you do?

Uh, he's the latter.

Ah, Dr. Esterhazy. I'm Captain Miller.

Hi, Barney.

Inspector Luger.

Have you two met?

No, I haven't had the pleasure. No.

This is, uh, Deputy Inspector Frank Luger.

From Division, Dr. Paul Nathan Esterhazy.

Oh, yeah, the shrink, huh?

Well, uh, doctor,

it's, uh... It's come to my attention

that you allegedly examined one of my men,

uh, Detective Wojciehowicz over there,

and that you came up with some pretty, uh,

rinky-dink conclusions.

Uh, inspector... No, no, no, Barney.

As one of the commanding officers of this division,

I feel it's my duty... It's all right, captain.

To point out a few things.. I'd be interested to hear

what he has to say. To this klutz.

Fine, and I'm glad to hear that.

You know, Nathan, it seems to me that you, uh,

got a lot to learn about the police department.

And I want you to know my men continuously conduct themselves

in a legal and orderly manner,

especially when dealing with the public,

most of whom are freaks anyway.

Inspector... No, Barney, no.

There's a time right here for a little straight talk.

Now, look, doc, I know you got your job to do, see,

but we got some problems here

in the, uh, law enforcement business too that...

That you people don't seem to understand.

Now, you take your average cockaboo

running around out there on the street.

Now, you're gonna find you're gonna have some...

Uh, may I see your paper, inspector?

Yes, yes, when I get through with it.

Doctor, I understand, uh...

I understand you're here to do, uh, some further studies.

That's right, captain, if you don't mind.

I welcome it.

If you ever want to find out what makes me tick,

You come down to my office.

See you around, Barney.

Hey, uh, inspector?

Yes, Harris?

The, uh... The paper, please?

I told you, when I get through with it.

Do you have a room somewhere where I can work?

Uh, my office.

Thank you.

Make yourself at home.

I'll try not to take up too much of your time, captain.

Doctor, I know your report on Detective Wojciehowicz

probably had sound psychological basis.

Not probably.

But there were extenuating circumstances

that I think you should be aware of.

May I see your men in alphabetical order, captain?

Yemana's gonna love that.

Chano. Yeah, Barn?

Dr. Esterhazy is conducting interviews.

He wants to start with you.

Why me?

Amenguale.

Oh, sure. Puerto Rican

Uh, Barney, I, uh, checked Mr. Fromkis for priors

and came up zilch.

Tell you what, make out a D.A.T.

Okay.

Mr. Fromkis, I'm gonna release you on a desk appearance ticket.

That means you don't have to sit in jail

waiting for your arraignment.

They'll let you know when you have to show up in court.

Thank God. I can turn off the corned beef.

Goodbye, gentlemen.

I'm sorry if I caused you any trouble.

No trouble at all, Mr. Fromkis.

I don't think any of us really blame you too much

for what you did.

You seem to be a man of high principle.

Likewise, captain.

And may I say that I feel privileged

to live in a neighborhood that employs policemen

of your caliber.

I hope I haven't caused you any inconvenience.

Not at all. Not at all.

And I hope that we meet again under better circumstances.

And I hope that the doctor heard all that.

Card Number 14, Sergeant Yemana.

Now, what does the inkblot suggest to you?

Uh, an elephant wearing a hat.

Uh, now turn the card around.

Now, what does the, uh, inkblot suggest to you?

An elephant lying on his back

wearing a hat.

I think that'll do. Thank you.

Can we do some more of these? It's fun.

No, that's sufficient.

How'd I do?

Just fine.

You're not keeping something from me?

Not at all.

Uh, did, uh, anybody else, uh,

see an elephant wearing a hat?

No, yours was a unique interpretation.

Thanks.

You know, uh, I'm not Chinese.

That really doesn't make any difference.

Maybe not now.

Hey, uh, how'd you make out?

I don't know. He just kept looking at me funny.

You can't tell nothing from a bunch of dirty spots

that don't look like nothing.

Well, they look like something to me.

Look like birds and flowers.

Yeah. I saw a few countries.

Uh, France and Spain and Madagascar.

An enlarged heart.

An elephant wearing a hat.

To each his own.

That's the name of that test.

Captain Miller, may I see you a moment, please?

Watch it. He's tricky.

Sit down, Captain Miller.

I assume you're familiar with this test.

It's really very simple.

Uh, I don't mind taking, uh, part in your survey, doctor,

but we do have a lot of work to do around here.

It won't take very long and I appreciate your cooperation.

Now, these cards will suggest certain images to you.

Just feel free to loosely associate your impressions.

Card Number 1, please.

Have you come to any conclusions yet, doctor?

I mean, about the men?

Yes I have, to some degree.

And they are?

I don't think I can discuss them now.

I'm gonna see that report sooner or later.

Card Number 1, please.

Uh, it's my understanding that the conclusions from this test

varies from doctor to doctor.

Somewhat, yes. Uh, Card Number 1.

Look, doctor, I have a very vivid imagination.

I can see a hundred images in any one of these cards,

ranging from the horrifying to the idyllic,

from the ridiculous to the sublime

because that's the way I look at life,

particularly in the mood I'm in right now.

Now, look, doctor,

you've got my men on hooks out there,

and I want to know what to expect

when that report comes down.

You're a passionate man, captain.

Loyal, dedicated... Curious.

All right, you want to know what my conclusions are?

Yes. My conclusions are

that my suspicions are well founded.

And those suspicions are?

That I have never found a policeman

who should be permitted to carry a gun.

You're nuts.

Now, look, I have conducted over 1500 tests

on law enforcement personnel,

and I've always found the usual irrational responses.

High levels of paranoia.

Passionate dedication to concepts

that are fundamentally barbaric.

I just don't feel that that sort of personality

should be trusted with a dangerous weapon.

That's insane.

How are police supposed to function without weapons?

There are people out there demanding protection

and they're entitled to it.

How do we protect the public without weapons?

I haven't completely worked that out yet.

And what are we supposed to do in the meantime?

I'm not sure.

What about the public?

Should they be entitled to carry a gun?

Are you cra...? This is ridiculous.

Then what you are saying, doctor,

is that no one should carry a gun.

That's exactly what I'm saying, wise guy.

Excuse me.

Wait a minute, you got a point there.

Let me ask you another question.

Between the public and the police,

just as a general group,

which would you say is more paranoid?

Oh, definitely the... The public.

Well, if the public is more paranoid than the police,

who would you rather see carry the guns?

The answer is obvious: the police.

Would you mind putting that in your report?

Yeah, and while you're at it,

would you add the special circumstances

in the case of Detective Wojciehowicz,

who was doing his duty to the best of his ability,

who was... Who was, uh, resisted forceably

by a suspect who insulted him...

Wait a minute. Insulted him...

There's an armed robbery in progress.

A bank over on Eleventh. Draw some weapons.

Uh, if you don't mind?

By all means.

Something went wrong here.

Something went wrong.

It's getting late, gentlemen. Good night.

Nick, you can go home now.

You know, you keep looking at stuff like this long enough,

you start getting tired of it.

Yeah, it's, uh, called aversion therapy.

Yeah? Yeah, you know,

it's like if you want to stop smoking, uh,

they force you to keep smoking one cigarette after the other,

until finally you're, uh, sick of it.

Okay.

Well, good night, guys.

Nick?

Yeah? Where are you going with those?

Oh, uh, I'm taking the cure.

What do you mean you don't issue new policies

to persons my age?

Oh, really?

Would you care for a suggestion

of what to do with that rock of yours?

Hello?

No luck, huh?

Nobody'll cover me.

Oh, if Bernice finds out I don't have any insurance,

it would kill her.

And she's not covered either.