Original subtitles

Yes, Mr. Fromkis. I sympathize,

but, uh, we can't close up a massage parlor

just for giving massages.

No, we need substantial evidence

of illicit activity.

Yes, I agree, a blight.

We are doing something.

We are using proven

and effective police methods.

Well, usually it entails,

uh, an undercover detective

being set up to be propositioned.

Of course it works,

I've done it myself many times in the past.

None of your business, Mr. Fromkis.

What we ought to get is one of those automatic coffeemakers.

I mean, they filter out all the impurities.

We tried that once.

But our water won't go through the filter.

It's 6:30, Fish not back yet?

Nope.

He must be still in the middle of a massage,

or whatever.

Whatever, yeah.

I just got off the phone

with the Second Avenue Merchants' Association.

Wow, they still complaining about the parlors, huh?

Wouldn't you?

They're killing business.

Eh, it's so strange,

when I walk to work up that street.

"Sex Shoppe."

"Girls Inside,"

"Institute of Physical Love."

And right there on the corner

is a Christian Science Reading Room.

God knows what goes on in there.

Have you been solicited in your recent travels?

Not yet.

Hey, man, me neither.

And I was giving it my best shot.

Charm, intelligence, humor.

I think the girl knew I was a cop.

She never got below my shoulders.

Man, you know, I think what my problem was,

was that no one could believe

that I would have to go to a place like that.

Oh...

No, I mean, really, man, you know, I mean,

I just don't look desperate enough.

Oh, man, get off it.

Hey, hey, I'm not poor. I can swing it.

I don't understand, why shouldn't I be able

to take you to dinner once in a while?

It looks funny.

Just... Did you see the way the waiter looked at me

when... When you paid the tab?

How?

Well, he acted like

he thought you were keeping me.

Oh, I can't even keep a dog.

How was dinner?

Degrading.

I think I know the restaurant.

Hey, uh, what happened to Fish?

Oh, we're afraid he may be getting lost in his work.

Well, I hope he does better than I did.

Hm? The second the lady touched me,

I started to giggle.

I'm not even ticklish. Can you figure that?

Hey, Fish, how'd it go?

Hey, come on, Fish, did you, uh...?

You get a bite?

Fish, any luck?

I couldn't get anyone to do anything to me.

For any amount of money.

Legitimate, uh, massage parlor then, huh?

They wouldn't even do that.

All right, I give up. Anybody got any ideas?

We've sent everyone out.

Uh-uh, correction.

I haven't gone yet.

Wentworth, you know around here

we consider you an equal,

however, certain assignments

carry certain biological, uh...

Barney, they got places that cater to both sexes.

They got male personnel

that, uh, entertain housewives

that got a few hours to kill, right?

Well, she's right Barney.

My place had both kinds.

It never occurred to me.

No, uh, Barney, no, that's crazy.

I mean, it's backward.

And... And, uh... Uh, beside that,

it ain't decent.

I notice you weren't so upset when Fish went.

But that's different.

I mean, nothing could happen with Fish.

Wojo, if Wentworth wants to give it a try, why not?

Yeah. What have I got to lose?

It's just an expression.

Yeah, okay, we'll get somebody over there right away.

Uh, Barney?

There's a, uh...

A mugging in one of the apartment buildings

over on Fourteenth Street.

Uh... you and, uh, Chano.

Okay.

You not, uh...

You don't seem too happy about it.

Oh, well, I don't know, you know, I mean, uh,

after the Emporium of Cosmic Love,

everything else seems so, uh,

mundane.

You sure nothing happened?

You know, Nick, Bernice used to massage me.

Rub my back, smooth my brow,

blow on my neck.

What for?

My very words.

I'm a relatively attractive man,

aren't I, Nick?

I don't let myself think about it.

When Bernice and I first met,

she told me she thought I was

very good-looking.

But then, all she had to compare me with

were the men in her family.

Okay, Mr. Fletcher,

you want to have a seat right over there, please?

We'll get some information on this case.

Which is it?

Oh, the... The victim. Oh.

Hey, but listen to this.

He says the mugger was an old lady.

Refreshing.

She was about 5'3, maybe 120 pounds,

silver hair, between 65 and 70.

Any, uh, distinguishing marks?

Wrinkles.

But it was dark and I didn't

really get a good look at her face.

Uh, what, uh... What kind of weapon did she use, a gun?

Oh, no, no. She didn't have anything.

Mr. Fletcher, you seem to be

a reasonably healthy young man. You mean to tell me

that you handed over your wallet to a 65-year-old woman

with no weapon?

Not without a fight.

How do you think I got this?

She, uh, overpowered you then?

She knew, uh...

Oh, karate.

Yeah.

Can you believe it?

Okay, Mr. Fletcher. Barney?

Barney, uh, Mr. Fletcher

says he was, uh, mugged by a little old lady.

You don't believe it?

Are you kidding? The way he was worked over,

had to be a guy dressed as an old lady.

Well, there's a lot of creeps who work that way.

Okay, go in the files,

see what you can find on someone who uses that M.O.

Right. But, uh,

we don't, uh, pass up any opportunities,

especially the, uh...

The eyewitness account of the victim,

so let's see what we have on older women

with a history of violent behavior.

We may get an ID out of it. Come on.

All right.

What happened?

Nothing. All I got was a massage.

Oh, gee, that's too bad.

Uh, nice try though.

Nothing, huh?

They sent me to a woman.

I'd have settled for that.

Looks like we'll have to figure something else out, huh, Barn?

But, Barney, I saw other women going through a door

where I'm practically positive the action was.

I don't know, I think that my mistake was, I was too, uh,

aloof.

You saying you want to go back?

Yeah, tomorrow, please?

And this time I'll leave nothing to the imagination

as to what I'm in the market for.

Okay, we'll give it another try.

Barn, uh, we only got one shot at it.

Wojo, are you saying that I'm playing favorites?

This is a police investigation,

not who gets to be hall monitor.

Forget it.

None of my business.

Uh, I guess I'll start, uh,

checking the ladies, huh?

I'm telling you, I just can't believe

that an old lady could inflict

that kind of punishment on a man.

You've learned nothing from knowing me.

How are you doing, Mr. Fletcher?

Anyone look familiar?

They all look like my mother.

Keep looking, Mr. Fletcher.

Keep looking.

See, uh, women used to be shy and modest.

You know, Wentworth, uh, never even blushes.

Well, neither do I.

At least not so as you could tell.

How are you doing?

Uh, Fletcher's looking at real old ladies.

What about Chano's theory?

We found three guys,

muggers who've been pulled in in women's clothes.

But they're all accounted for. Oh.

Yeah, one of them's in Joliet,

one of them is waiting on trial over at the Tombs

and, uh, one's in Copenhagen.

Oh.

Any luck?

Well, these pictures,

some of them are awfully old.

I mean, they're yellow and curling up at the edges.

It'll happen to you too, Mr. Fletcher.

Uh, Chano, maybe you'd better bring those ladies in,

just in case and see if Mr. Fletcher

- can make a positive ID. - All right, Barn.

Uh, Barney, hang on, it's Wentworth.

Oh. Yeah?

Good.

Very good.

Okay.

Have them send a squad car over

and padlock that, uh, massage parlor.

Wentworth got solicited.

She's bringing in the suspect.

Oh, wow.

We blew it and she pulls it off.

How about that?

Wow. How do you explain that?

Experience.

Okay, in here, cowboy.

Well, ma'am, if somebody's got a talent for giving pleasure

to other people, now, shouldn't he use it?

Hold still, will you, Lance?

Give a break.

Come on, Lance, be good.

You've been very good up till now.

Captain, here he is. I got him.

It's a very good bust and I promise, I can make it stick.

Congratulations.

You know that door I told you about,

that I saw women going through?

Yeah. Well, I went through it

and I found him and I found a...

It was... They had... They had a...

You won't believe what they had in there.

I heard. Continue telling me in my office.

Uh, Wojo, uh, do the preliminary report, will you?

Sure, I don't care.

Hey, sir?

If somebody's got a God-given talent, now...

Now, shouldn't they utilize it, huh?

Do you sing?

Yeah, and he's gonna lose his voice if he ain't careful.

Sit down, buckaroo.

Okay.

What's your name?

Lance Peterson.

"Lance."

So I said: "Hey, cut it out, I'm a police officer, buster."

And he's laughing.

And he keeps on doing it.

So I pulled out my badge.

That was quick thinking.

Yeah. And, uh... How about the owner?

The owner is, uh...

Oh, Kogan sent a car to his residence.

He wasn't there.

Oh. You're all right?

Oh, yeah, I'm terrific. I got a wonderful massage

before I made the arrest.

I had a little knot right here and it's gone.

Yeah, I've... I've only been in New York for two weeks.

In the cage.

Yeah, you know, I... I was gonna work freelance,

but I just couldn't seem to get much response.

That's fascinating.

Yeah.

Hey, you know, I like being my own boss.

I guess some women go for that pretty type, huh?

I'm gonna look him up for priors.

Well, I'll bet he's got them.

He's probably had about everything.

He's really an okay kid, you know.

Yeah, sure.

You know, uh,

sometimes it's kind of hard to tell when...

When, uh, something that's legal

becomes illegal.

Think you got a case that will stand up in court?

Yeah, I'm positive.

Yeah? Let me see your report.

Hey, man, I haven't finished writing it yet.

I'm gonna wait for the movie.

Your tea, Mrs. Oppenheimer.

Thank you very much, officer...?

Sergeant Fish.

You know, you remind me of my first husband.

Oh, really?

He's dead now, but you look like him

when he was alive too.

I appreciate that.

Oh! Yeah, there... There...

There's more where that came from.

Hey, look, you try that again, my darling,

and I'm putting the cuffs on, okay?

Oh, that's it. Go ahead.

Cut off what little circulation I got left.

Uh, Chano, this is, uh, Mrs. Mary Dexter,

and, uh, this is Mrs. Eunice Smith,

and, uh, this is Mrs. Mabel Kleiner.

Uh, don't turn your back on Kleiner.

Mrs. Kleiner, if you'd be so kind...

Take your clumsy paws off me!

You lousy bull.

Bull?

Uh, yeah,

I believe that was a term used for police officers

sometime around the Civil War.

You wanna hear another term from the Civil War?

Careful.

If you'll, uh, be seated, please.

Uh, ladies, have a seat over there, please.

And you right there.

Uh, did you, uh...? You hear from Fletcher yet?

Uh, not yet.

Hey, boy.

How about some coffee?

For you? Sure.

Hey, ma'am.

Hi. Hi.

Hey, what...? Wat's gonna happen to me?

I don't know, Lance,

but I, um, checked you for priors

and you've never done anything wrong before.

Yeah, I know.

I don't see what I've done wrong now.

You really don't, do you?

Oh, no, sir. Uh-uh.

Some things you just don't do for money.

Like playing the horses.

Here you go.

Thanks.

You deserve it.

Ooh.

You know, we tore apart Cellblock 6

over coffee like this.

Captain, I just checked Lance for priors.

He's got nothing here,

he's got nothing back in Oklahoma.

I just think he's a kid

that caught up in a bad scene, you know.

Well, he's young, he's got no record,

I guess the judge would go easy on him

if he promises to find a new line of work.

Well, yeah, but captain,

I'm not suited for anything else.

Are you telling me that's the only way

you could find to make a living?

Don't you have a skill?

Yeah, so I've been told.

I just don't understand

why I've been brought here, officer.

Gladys, I told you, you were tentatively identified

by the victim of a mugging. That's...

Me?

Well, I hardly even get out of the house.

Mrs. Oppenheimer, you have quite a record here.

You must have gotten out of the house occasionally.

I'm a poor lady,

who just wants to be left alone.

Mrs. Oppenheimer, look.

Armed robbery, extortion, check fraud.

I was just trying to get by.

Look at this: "1948, conviction.

Aggravated assault and mayhem."

According to this you broke the arm of a certain bookmaker

named Mayer.

He owed me $50.

Oh, well, I see. I understand, Mrs. Oppenheimer.

Officer, I didn't do anything.

I swear it on my husband's grave.

Yes. Look at this: "1957, conviction.

Second-degree manslaughter

in the death of Frank Oppenheimer."

He started it.

Uh, Chano? Mr. Fletcher.

Oh, yes, Mr. Fletcher. Thank you for coming down.

That them?

Yes, those are they.

Shouldn't I be behind a one-way mirror?

Or in the dark with them under bright lights?

Isn't that safer?

Yeah, but, uh, this is cheaper.

Mr. Fletcher, you have to face them eventually

to sign a complaint, so...

Uh, ladies, would you, uh, stand here

by the file cabinet for me, please,

so Mr. Fletcher can make an ID. Oh, yes, please.

Right over there. And, uh, Mr. Fletcher, you, uh,

take a good look, huh?

I will.

Okay, yeah, yeah, thank you.

Barney, uh,

Kogan's got his bail ticket downstairs.

Uh, run him down, will you?

Okay.

Hey, ma'am?

I'm out now, I'm getting bailed out.

Hey, darn good. Yeah.

Listen, don't worry about anything, Lance.

You're gonna be okay, you know.

Hey, you know something,

maybe I'll get lucky and get me a lady judge, huh?

Just don't... Just don't do to her what you did to me, huh?

Hey, hey, ma'am, you know something?

You're about the kindest person I've met since I've been here.

Well, I'd like maybe sometime to take you out someplace.

Hey, go ahead.

Just find out how much he charges first.

Oh, hey, no charge. Uh-uh.

No, thanks, Lance, but I'm very flattered.

Hey, sir?

What I do isn't so terrible, is it?

Don't ask me.

I can't even carry a tune.

Mr. Fletcher, just for the record,

you are saying that, uh, this is the lady

that assaulted you and took your money?

Yes, captain.

Mr. Fletcher, this is Mrs. Krauss,

our cleaning lady.

What?

We put her in as a safety-valve,

for, uh, people like you.

But I was so sure.

Well, apparently that's not good enough, Mr. Fletcher.

Does she have an alibi?

About 35 policemen.

They all look alike.

Are you still angry about Lance and everything?

Well, I can't help it.

I mean, I keep won... Wondering what happened.

Okay, I'll tell you.

I went into this room, and then I disrobed,

and I took this terrycloth towel and I wrapped it around my body.

Then I went into another room

and there was Lance,

In his, uh, tight white pants and T-shirt.

And then I laid down on this, uh, table.

Facedown. Uh-huh.

And, uh, he starts to massage me.

And, uh, he massaged me.

Oh, Come on. You don't...

You don't... You don't have to paint pictures.

I think I can fill it in for myself.

Not as good as I can tell it.

Forget it.

I'll tell you later when we're alone.

Yeah?

Gosh, I'm awfully sorry about that.

Hey, don't worry about it, Mr. Fletcher, we all make mistakes.

Listen, we'll keep looking for you, though, okay?

Oh, thank you, very much.

It could be any of them.

Thank you very much Mrs. Krauss,

for your cooperation.

And we'd like to see, uh, more of you.

No, I don't think so.

How about the, uh...? How about the others, Barney?

Give them our apologies, send them home.

It's almost Mother's Day. Yeah.

Barney, uh, I got an idea.

Shoot.

Well, it's, uh, it's a little crazy.

That's my kind of idea.

Excuse me, ladies. I was just wondering if...

Hey, what is this?

You shouldn't do that to a person.

Mm-hm. Your black belt is showing, Mrs. Dexter.

Would you have a seat over here, please, if you don't mind?

Right over there, huh? Poo!

Thank you.

Uh, Harris, see if you can catch Fletcher.

Uh, yeah.

Ladies, uh, thank you very much.

You're free to go.

Yeah. Thanks for nothing.

And that includes the coffee.

My pleasure.

Hey, uh... Uh... I, uh,

I been noticing you ever since I came in.

Oh?

If, uh... If you play your cards right,

you might be able to buy me a drink later.

I'll have to take a rain check on that.

I'm married.

A rain check? Till when?

Till I'm no longer married or dead.

Whichever comes first.

Thanks.

Hungry? Wanna get some dinner?

I don't know, I kinda feel like breakfast.

Well,

I don't mind waiting till then, if you don't.

We got a couple of men

bringing Mrs. Dexter down to you. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, in cuffs.

Right, okay.

Boy, that's some lady, huh?

Yeah, seeing her

made me appreciate Bernice a lot more.

Well, sure.

Be thankful you wound up with someone who's

gentle... Mm-hm.

Considerate... Mm-hm.

Attractive... Mm...

Let's not get carried away.