Original subtitles

You all right?

Oh, yeah, I'm thinking.

Oh. About what?

Uh, human interest.

My, uh, column for the newsletter this month.

Oh, yeah, what are you writing about?

Nothing.

There are no interesting humans in this precinct.

Why don't you write about the dolphins?

The fish or the football team?

The fish.

I saw a thing on TV

that said that they're probably more intelligent

than human beings.

I wouldn't be surprised a bit.

Scientists say that, uh,

someday we're actually

gonna be able to talk to them.

If the dolphins were really smart,

they won't listen to us.

Here you go. Duty assignments. Get 'em while they're hot.

Thank you, Barn.

We seem to be shy a few people.

Wojo and Wentworth not here?

Uh... Uh, they're not here yet.

Neither one of them called in?

No.

I think they said they wanted

to go to dinner together.

At 8:00 in the morning?

No. Last night.

Oh.

Barney, is this for real?

Wentworth and Amenguale, crowd security?

It's not as bad as it sounds.

You're going to a party. Oh, yeah? Beautiful.

Some civic organization is throwing a block party

for Vincent Keppel.

Oh, the union organizer?

Yeah. It's gonna be going on all day.

Uh-huh? Free food.

Oh, well.

Don't we all get to go?

Manhattan South says

that our contribution is two officers

for crowd security.

You and Wentworth, uh,

kind of mingle around.

All right. Keep your eyes open.

What about, uh, dancing?

Only if you don't close your eyes.

Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, Barn.

Uh, the subway stuck.

M-Must... Must have been a-a wreck somewhere.

As long as you're okay.

Oh, yeah. I'm fine.

Sure.

Hi, guys.

How are you, Wojo?

Good morning. How are you?

Okay. Okay.

Here you are, Woj.

Now, you got, uh, three auxiliary reports

I need in triplicate by today.

Right, Barn.

Darn. That rotten subway system.

Good morning, Janice.

How are you? How are you?

Morning, Chano. Good morning, Harris.

Good morning, Nick. Good morning, Fish.

Hello. Morning, Barney.

Aren't you gonna say good morning to me?

I already did.

Uh...

Look, uh, take it easy, will you?

Hey.

W-What they don't know won't hurt 'em.

What don't they know?

Wojo, Wentworth, uh,

could I see you in my office a minute?

Yes, sir. Sure, Barn.

I told him it was a wreck on the subway.

Oh, very good.

I can feel it coming.

It's gonna be one of those days.

Yeah, what you got?

Ah, some lady complaining

about a man washing his clothes in a Laundromat.

Come on, Nick.

What's the matter? Is he using slugs?

No.

The clothes he's washing are the clothes he's wearing.

He's sitting around the Laundromat in the nude.

Shouldn't be too hard to find him.

You never know in this neighborhood.

Look, what you do with your private lives

is your own affair.

Your own business.

But I can't let it affect the job.

So if it's going to be alarm clocks,

or train wrecks,

I want you here on time.

Okay, Barney.

Uh, It won't... It won't happen again.

Okay.

Wojo, you've got your assignment?

Yeah, Barn. Okay.

Wentworth, you're on crowd security with Amenguale.

Yeah? What for?

Do you really think you're entitled to an explanation?

No, of course not.

It was just curiosity.

Cute, isn't he?

Hey, you see, Mr. Burgess,

in order for you to get a police permit

to carry a gun,

you've gotta be a bodyguard for a VIP, or, uh,

carry large sums of money.

What do you do? I'm a barber.

Ah. See?

Yeah, I got my own place.

Yeah, but it's, uh... Two chairs.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Piped-in music, classy magazines.

Oh.

Yeah, it's not too big,

but I keep it real sanitary.

Hey, sounds like a...

Sounds like a real nice place.

I'll have to look in on you

one of these days.

Don't wait too long.

Uh, when you and Chano

get to that block party, uh,

report to a Lieutenant Scanlon of Manhattan South.

Scanlon. Right.

I don't think I'll be able to make it back

in time for lunch.

That's okay.

I think we better cool it for a while, anyway.

Oh, yeah?

What about tonight?

Oh, that's still on.

Look, I've been held up before

and I don't want to be held up again.

I know, Mr. Burgess.

It's very unpleasant but, uh,

we all have to go through it, once in a while.

Yeah. And you said something about

carrying large amounts of cash. Oh, yeah.

Right. Okay? Okay.

I got 40 bucks on me right now.

Stick 'em up.

Just fooling, Mr. Burgess. No, no, no.

Listen, I'll tell you the truth. It really is not enough money.

It's enough to buy a gun.

Okay, Mr. Burgess, I don't think you're gonna get it, right?

But if you absolutely insist. Here.

All right? There is an application.

Now, you fill that out and bring it back to us.

All right. Okay. Thank you.

Right.

I just hope I don't get mugged

on the way home.

Hey, if you do, show them the application.

Who knows.

Psychology?

Okay, I'm all set. Let's go.

Oh, great.

Hey, charming, charming.

Oh, by the way, Detective Wentworth,

do you, uh...? Do you dance?

Oh, yeah. I do it all. Yeah?

Oh, yeah, hey.

Uh, yes, well, I...

I will do some of it with you, Detective Wentworth.

Hey, uh, Barney?

How about, uh, a thesis on the psychodynamics

of the police officer criminologist

vis-à-vis the, uh,

paranoia of contemporary urban society?

A little thin.

Uh, yeah.

I'll get it.

I'll get it.

Step inside, Mr. Hurley.

What's the matter here?

Isn't there enough real crime to keep you guys busy?

What is this?

We gotta have a few laughs once in a while.

Sit down here, Mr. Hurley,

and be careful.

Remember you're wearing my coat.

I wear clothes 'cause I have to, not 'cause I want to.

They got dirty. If I gotta wear clothes,

they ought to at least look presentable. Don't you think?

Ever hear of sending your laundry out?

Look, let me ask you one thing.

What's wrong with the human body?

You're asking the wrong person.

Don't we got any carbon paper?

Nope.

We ordered some but they sent us toilet paper instead.

You shouldn't have let Fish sign the requisition.

Yeah, well just be thankful

it wasn't the other way around.

I suppose you guys never take your clothes off.

Not in a Laundromat.

Or with the lights on.

That's the trouble in this world.

All natural things are illegal.

And a few of them are impossible.

Hey, come on. How much longer

I gotta stay here, huh?

I'd say about an hour.

The charge is indecent exposure, Mr. Hurley.

It's all up to the judge.

And they say that justice is blind.

That's your only hope.

Hey, uh, Barney, take a look at this.

"'Precinct Potpourri'

"by Detective First Grade R.N. Harris.

"Against the grim backdrop of panic in the streets,

"two police officers of the 12th Precinct

"carve their own oasis out of the rubble

"of violence surrounding their daily lives.

"Cloaked in a cocoon of warmth and understanding,

they give, one to the other."

Uh, hold it.

Uh, w-what is that?

It's my column for the newsletter.

You're not gonna print this stuff where everybody

in the whole damn police department can read it?

Hey, man, I'm not using any names.

I mean, it's just a human interlude that's inspiring.

Yeah, well, uh,

nobody's carved nothing out of nothing

t-that's anybody's business.

A-And as for that bunk about a cocoon,

it's just a lot of g-garbage.

Nobody likes a critic.

Harris, you know what Wojo and Wentworth do

is their own business.

Oh, I... What Wojo and Wentworth do...

Is nothing any different

than any two normal police officers would do.

I-I-If they could.

Nobody's gonna invade your privacy. Relax.

Detective Harris is gonna find something else

to write about. Right?

Yeah, well, I always did want to do a piece on censorship.

Twelfth Precinct. Yemana.

I'm sorry, Barn.

I just gotta get some things on my mind.

Okay. And I just got uptight.

It's clothes!

Wearing clothes will make you uptight.

That's called "riding up."

Barney. Dispatch got a call from Chano.

What's going down?

Somebody took a shot at, uh, Keppel at the block party.

Wentworth broke it up.

Captain Miller here.

Get on the same phone with Manhattan South.

See what you can find out. Okay, Barn.

"The Psychology of Assassination"

by Detective First Grade R.N. Harris.

"Against the grim backdrop

"of panic in the streets,

cloaked in a cocoon of warmth and under..."

Of mirth and gaiety,

the block party was...

Oh, man, I can save all of this.

Okay, thanks.

Fish, there's a bail ticket downstairs for Lord Godiva.

All right. Time to get dressed.

Not in there!

This ain't no burlesque house.

Get in the bathroom.

And whatever you do,

don't throw my coat on the floor.

You puritan.

What's the big deal about Manhattan South?

We could've booked him here. Exactly.

He was my collar, right? You okay?

That's all I wanna know. We're fine, Barney.

It's just that we got ootsed out of the collar is what.

Right. What happened?

Look, we get there, right? All of a sud...

We stayed together. We mingled around and then we separated.

We split up. I'm circling... This guy is making a speech

about the union and why they decided

not to use their pension fund

to bail out New York City,

because they got better things to do.

All of a sudden I hear yelling.

I look around, I see a gun.

I grab the guy's arm,

the gun goes off in the air.

I hope to God there's no airplanes around.

"I'm a police officer," I yell.

"Drop it!" And I yelled a few other things.

Then I kicked him. To which he yelled something dirtier

than what I yelled. And he dropped the gun!

Yeah!

When I got there, Barney, it was all over.

She took care of it herself.

Didn't even need me.

We had a report that an officer

from the 12th Precinct used questionable language

to an officer from Manhattan South. Do you know anything?

No.

Yeah.

There was a discussion took place.

What was said?

Well, before I can read this goon his rights,

these two guys from Manhattan South

start taking over.

"Thanks a lot, girlie," one of 'em says to me.

Which I reply, "Sir, that's my collar.

Wentworth, 12th Precinct."

Which he ignores.

So I replied again.

In questionable language?

No, it wasn't questionable.

He knew exactly what I meant.

Then what happened?

And then they took the collar!

And I'm standing there like a klutz,

angry and embarrassed,

with my stockings ripped from his zipper where I kicked him.

All right, Wentworth.

Just relax. Get yourself a cup of coffee.

This never would have happened if I was a man.

You know that. Just get a cup. Relax.

They got him out of there quick. Nobody even said, "Thank you."

Talk about a couple of credit-grabbing,

no good sons of... Hey...

Take it easy. I had him, Woj.

I had him. He was mine.

I had him right in my hand.

Oh, my God, I broke a nail.

Hey, Barn.

Barn, this isn't fair.

I mean, they shouldn't be allowed to get away with it.

I wish I'd have been there.

No, it all happened so fast, man. You know?

Yeah, but you're supposed to be a team.

Yeah, but we weren't holding hands.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Everybody's got work to do. Let's get back to work, huh?

Look, Wentworth, it's, uh...

It's nice to get credit

but the important thing is you did the job you get paid to do.

You probably saved a life

and there's a dangerous man in custody.

So let's not feel sorry for ourselves and, uh,

try to take satisfaction

in a job well done.

Yeah.

I just don't feel comfortable in clothes.

Neither do I, but I wear 'em anyway.

You know something?

You've never known real freedom.

Out of the mouths of babes.

Uh, excuse me.

What is it now, Mr. Burgess, huh?

I filled out the application.

Very good. Okay. Just put it right on the desk.

I suppose you people know that there was a shooting

in the streets just a few blocks away?

We are well aware of that. Now you understand

why we don't want people to carry guns?

Yeah, but that's attempted murder.

I mean, I'm just a barber.

Mr. Burgess, if I had my way,

I would take every gun in New York City

and throw it right in the river.

Hey, man, you can't do that.

Then the boats couldn't get in and out.

Well, how long is it gonna be before I hear?

I don't know, Mr. Burgess.

There's a lot of lunatics ahead of you. Okay? Come on.

Well, I mean, what am I supposed to do?

What if I get held up in the meantime?

Okay Mr. Burgess... Okay, I'm gonna tell you what to do.

As a matter of fact, I'm gonna give you a demonstration.

Now take your finger, point it at me and say, "Stick 'em up."

Come on, come on, come on.

Stick 'em up.

All right. See?

Here's what you do if you're smart.

Take this. There's my wallet. There's my keys.

There's my comb. You see? You understand?

That's how you fool them, Mr. Burgess. Huh?

Because nothing you give them is worth much anyway, right?

So he gets nothing and you live to buy more junk

until the next idiot comes along and says, "Stick 'em up."

Right? But the fewer guns there are out there, Mr. Burgess,

the less guys there will be to come around and say,

"Stick 'em up." And some day...

your junk will be safe!

In the meantime, get out of here, huh?

I'm gonna move someplace

where the police have everything under control.

Yeah? Mm.

All right. Go to Miami and turn left to Havana!

Yes, there was some shooting, Bernice,

but no one was hurt.

I'm not keeping anything from you.

Why would I do that?

I'm fine, Bernice, I wasn't even there.

You know I wouldn't go to a party without you.

Hey, uh, you wanna go get something to eat?

Yeah. Good. Fine.

Where do you wanna go? I don't care.

I just gotta go somewhere I can work off this aggravation.

I can't do it eating.

You wanna go bowling?

This is the arrest report. You want to witness it,

or should I just throw it in the wastebasket?

It's gonna end up in the wastebasket anyway.

It's might as well end up in one of ours.

I know what really happened and you know what really happened.

Yeah, we'll just keep it our secret.

I'm Lieutenant Scanlon from Manhattan South.

Is, uh, Captain Miller here?

That's his office. Right in there.

Weren't you on my detail in the, uh, union block party?

Absolutely right.

Never forget a face.

Hello, there. Ever see this face before?

Can't say that I have.

How you doing, girlie?

Flatfoot.

Take it easy. Okay.

Whether her being there was a coincidence or not,

she deserves to be recommended for a commendation.

Come on. I got my precinct, you've got yours.

And we each got our own people to watch out for.

You wanna give her something?

Take her out to dinner. She'll love you for it.

How long were you on Vice, Scanlon?

Thirteen beautiful years.

You were meant for each other.

So look, uh, "Had she not lunged

"and averted the barrel of the weapon,

"Keppel would have been a dead man.

"The bullet meant for the union leader

"exploded harmlessly into the ether.

"This reporter wishes to add his commendation

"to those already proffered

by other department personnel present at the scene..."

What is that? Shh.

"to Detective Janice Wentworth

"of the 12th Precinct.

"Her actions were in the finest traditions

of the New York Police Department."

Why is he saying that?

"Mr. Keppel himself

"is expected to host a reception for Detective Wentworth

"at his home sometime in the near future.

"Congratulations, Detective Wentworth,

from all your comrades in arms."

What is that?

It's my column for the Police Department newsletter,

the Sentinel of Truth.

We're waiting to go to press now.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Well, I mean, fortunately, you know,

being here at the 12th I just happened to get a scoop.

Yeah, but that happened to be my detail.

I'm Scanlon from Manhattan South.

Scanlon? Yeah.

Scanlon, Scanlon... Lieutenant Scanlon.

I was in charge.

Oh, wow,

you don't seem to be mentioned here.

Also, that's not the way the official record reads.

Oh, no. What a shame.

Wow. It seems like there may be a few questions asked, huh?

All right. What is this?

It's called freedom of the press.

It's also called extortion.

Semantics.

See you around, Scanlon.

Okay. Ahem. Okay.

So we don't muddy up the record, hm?

Wedgewood gets a mention.

Wentworth.

Sure. Wentworth. Yeah.

You get a mention in the report.

Commendation.

Big deal.

Certain new facts have come to light. Huh?

You got a recommend for a commendation.

Thank you very much.

And if you go down to Manhattan South again...

well, there's a dinner in it for you too.

Huh? How about that?

No, thanks. I don't fool around.

Hey, you. You know, you got a wonderful way with words.

But someday...

it's gonna get you in trouble.

It's the story of my life.

Yeah.

Hey, Harris!

Thank you so much.

I fight injustice wherever I find it.

Oh, boy, Barney.

He's gonna be impossible to live with.

Oh, I got you. Let's go celebrate.

Yeah. Your place or mine?

Shh.

Why do you say, "shh"?

We're grown people.

Right? You like me, I like you.

We got a nice thing going.

Why do you say, "shh"? What are you ashamed of?

Oh, I'm not ashamed. Squad!

This is Wojciehowicz, this is Wentworth,

the dynamite couple.

We're going to my house for a couple of drinks and relax,

and maybe we'll fool around a little bit, if we feel like it.

And if we don't feel like it,

we'll be in on time.

Right?

Uh... Huh?

W-We'll be in on time either way.

We'll be in on time either way.

Right out in the open,

that's the way a relationship should be.

You're probably right.

I remember when I... After I met Bernice,

I didn't want anyone to know about her.

Kept it a secret from everyone.

How long did you manage that?

Oh, till about three years ago.