Original subtitles

Hey.

Hey.

Good morning, Fish.

Would you care to debate that formally?

No, I just, uh, assumed you had one once in a while.

Why? Just because I always go around

with a pleasant look on my face?

Well, I, uh... I guess you could say that.

Sometimes you have to look deeper into a person.

Oh, hey, I'm sorry.

Uh, something wrong?

I don't think so.

Unless you think there is something terrible

about taking separate vacations.

Between you and me?

Oh, good morning, Fish.

It won't work. I tried that already.

I suggest separate vacations,

right away Bernice thinks I'm using it

as an excuse to have an affair with another woman.

That's ridiculous.

You couldn't do a thing like that.

I mean...

I mean, you wouldn't do a thing like that...

if you could.

I mean, you're... You're... You're much too, uh...

Old.

Hey, man. Come on. You never get too old for that.

I mean, that's what they say in all those, uh, articles

and books they got out now.

Haven't you ever seen them?

Reading exhausts me.

Hi, guys. Oh.

Well, well, well. Don't we look classy.

You know, uh, with that suit he's either getting married,

or he's dead.

I just came by to pick up some things.

I'm going to Cleveland.

He's dead.

Cleveland? Yeah.

What's this about Cleveland?

I thought you were working out of the D.A.'s office this week.

I am, but I gotta escort this guy up there.

Go on. Inside.

We're flying out this afternoon.

Who is he?

His name is Frederick Clooney.

He left Ohio to avoid prosecution.

For what?

He's got two wives.

Good Lord.

Got one in Cleveland and, uh, one in New York.

Are you a Mormon, Mr. Clooney?

No, no. No, I'm not.

He's a glutton.

No. Actually, I'm, uh, a Gemini.

You know, the twins?

Ah.

Everything I've always done in life has always been in twos.

When I was a kid I had two dogs, two cats.

It just got to be a habit with me, I guess.

You don't suppose the judge

would take that into consideration, do you?

Extenuating astrological circumstances, so to speak?

Maybe, if the judge is a Capricorn,

but if you catch a Pisces, you're in trouble.

They ought to throw the book at him.

Guy's got no respect for the law,

no respect for women.

And, uh, I gotta chauffeur him all around the country.

Wojo, that's part of the job.

And boredom is the rest of it.

Well, if you guys wanted romance and excitement,

you should have joined the Navy.

Being a cop is, uh... Is going to Cleveland.

Excuse me?

What can I do for you?

Well, my name is Woolen. I was told to come up here.

Uh, it's about something I found.

What do you got?

Well, I was on my way to work...

Uh, I'm an accountant for a plastics company.

When I noticed this file folder laying in the street.

What's in it?

Well, now, I'm not the kind who pokes around in refuse,

but this didn't look like anything

that anyone would throw away, so I, uh, picked it up.

There's money in it.

Really?

How much money?

Thirty-five hundred dollars.

Well, obviously, someone lost it,

so I'd like to turn it in.

Did anyone see you pick it up?

I don't think so.

Does, uh, anybody else know you found this money?

No.

There's nothing else in here.

No identification, no names.

I... I realize that.

You know, Mr. Woolen,

if you ever decide to run for president,

you've got my vote.

Thank you.

You're an accountant, right, Mr. Woolen?

I mean, they don't make much money, do they?

Oh, I get by.

Mr. Woolen, you're a very honest man.

I have to go to the bathroom, Mr. Woolen,

but it can wait.

Here you go, Wojo.

Have a good trip.

Sorry to leave you shorthanded.

We'll muddle along without you.

Barn, do you think they'd mind if I drove to Cleveland?

Why would you want to do a thing like that?

You can fly there in an hour.

Uh, I just wanted to look at the countryside.

Take my word for it. It looks better from up there.

Only it's so high.

Well, you got to go up in the air

otherwise you hit the trees, the buildings...

I guess so.

Barn, I don't like to fly.

I mean, it's not that I'm scared or anything like that.

No. Of course not.

Even little kids fly nowadays.

Oh, sure. Nothing bothers them.

Oh, it bothers some of them.

And, uh, the rest of them I... I guess,

they're just too dumb to know the difference.

That's the way kids are.

Wojo, if you'd really rather,

I could probably arrange to have someone else, uh...

Oh, no. I...

The tickets have my name on them.

You know, Woj, all of us have to do things

that we... We don't like to do.

I mean, take me. I don't like to go to parties.

Uh, Harris doesn't like to do, uh, paperwork.

Yemana... He doesn't like to do anything.

That's my point.

It... It wouldn't be so bad, Barn,

if I didn't feel so helpless up there.

I mean, anything happens, and bam.

You... You wind up on the end of someone's putty knife.

Graphically put.

I mean, uh, I... I... I feel like I got no control.

It... It's frightening, you know, Barn?

It's a question of learning to trust people.

I... I do.

Only not up there.

Wojo, there are no guarantees,

but, uh, sooner or later you gotta have a little faith

in the law of averages

and in other people's ability to perform.

Otherwise, life can be pretty frustrating and, uh, lonesome,

you know, huh?

Yeah.

You gotta go, you gotta go.

No. No, you don't?

Of course we do,

but what... What... What I'm trying to say

is we have to take chances.

Well, you ought to understand that. You're a cop.

Right. Yeah.

You got a job to do, you go out and do it.

Even if it kills you.

Barn, you got another minute?

All right. Here you go, Mr. Woolen.

A receipt for the money.

We'll keep it here in the safe

and if nobody claims it in 30 days,

the $3500 is yours.

Boy, that's a lot of money.

It certainly is.

Suppose somebody claims it?

Then some grateful citizen

will have benefited from your honesty.

And I'm out $3500.

That's about the size of it, Mr. Woolen.

Well, uh, it's been nice meeting all of you.

Yeah. You're one in a million, Mr. Woolen.

Yeah. I won't be able to sleep tonight.

You, uh, keep in touch, Mr. Woolen, huh?

Oh, I, uh... I shall. Yeah. I shall.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

You see that?

I mean, it does pay to keep your eyes open.

I mean, there's no telling what you're liable

to pick up out there in the street.

Yeah. That's how I met my second wife.

Hey, Woj.

When's, uh...? When's your plane leave, man?

Few hours.

- Hey, Wojo. - Yeah?

Uh, did you take out any flight insurance?

No.

Why?

Here's a buck.

Take some out and make me beneficiary.

What for?

It's just the gambler in me.

I... I don't think that's very funny.

Oh, take it. Take it.

I'm trying to help you.

I never won a long-shot bet in my life.

Sure, why not.

Uh, yeah, Twelfth Precinct, Harris.

Oh, yeah. Hello, Bernice.

Uh-huh. Yeah, just a minute.

Uh, Fish? Yeah?

It's your wife.

Hello.

Guess who this is?

Bernice, I don't have time to play games.

What's the matter?

Do we have to discuss it now?

Bernice, love and vacations have nothing to do with each other.

One is designed for rest, the other is not.

Bernice, people who hate each other go on separate vacations.

People who love each other should at least be entitled

to the same privilege.

Hello?

Bernice?

She hung up.

Yeah?

Well, personally, I admire people who make quick decisions.

I mean, none of that mamby-pamby, "Goodbye,

I'll talk to you later," you know?

"Call me next week." Yeah, "Have a nice... "No, no, no.

Quick, right from here to here. Quick. Finish.

Hey, uh, Harris, you... You've flown a lot.

Where's the best place to sit?

Depends on whether you're interested in safety or fun.

I want the law of averages on my side.

Hey, man, you already got that.

I mean, anyplace is safer than this city.

Uh, personally, I like to sit just behind the wing.

Nobody asked your opinion.

People with two wives don't have opinions.

They just nod a lot.

Hey, Wojo, here's something for you

I think, uh... I think you might be interested in, you know?

Take it on the plane with you.

"Fear of Flying"?

Yeah. Tkae it on the plane.

I mean, I think you'll enjoy it.

Oh, it's not one of those scientific books, is it,

like a lot of big words?

No.

Little words.

As a matter of fact, most of them only have four letters.

Hey, thanks a lot, Harris.

Sure.

Uh, can I help you?

I would like to see Frederick Clooney.

I'm Mrs. Clooney.

Oh. Um...

Are you alone?

Ah, well, he's right there.

Gloria, why did you come here?

They told me where you were, Frederick.

Gloria, uh, there's nothing more to say.

Oh, I... I realize that.

I just came to say goodbye.

Gloria, you're gonna find somebody new.

You're gonna build a whole new life for yourself.

There's nothing you have to say, Fred.

I understand perfectly.

May I use your bathroom?

Oh, certainly.

It's right over there.

Thank you.

Nick, uh, while Wojo's away,

we're gonna have to make some changes in the duty roster.

You and, uh, Chano, it'll be Harris and Fish,

then to, uh...

Who's that? Mrs. Clooney.

Which one? Ours.

Gloria, Gloria, hey, are you all right?

Oh, I'm fine now, Fred.

Oh.

That's my girl.

Goodbye, Fred.

Goodbye, Gloria.

Hey, what...? What's this?

Sleeping pills. Oh.

Uh, you didn't leave me any.

That's right, Fred.

When I say goodbye, I mean goodbye.

Gloria!

Hey, somebody better stop her.

She just swallowed a whole bottle of sleeping pills.

I'd better get in there while I can.

Wojo, get on the phone to, uh, Bellevue.

Tell them we... We got a possible OD.

Mrs... Mrs. Clooney, what was it you took?

Why did you have to do this to yourself?

Isn't it enough I'm going to jail?

It's not important, Fred.

It's stupid of you to throw your life away like this.

Please, Fred. Don't be abusive.

I am trying to maintain some sense of dignity

in a difficult situation.

Uh, Fish, get on the phone to this pharmacy

and find out what it was she took.

Right away. How are you feeling?

Oh, embarrassed.

Disgusted.

Alone.

Deserted. Deserted?

I'm not deserting you, Gloria!

They're taking me to Cleveland by force.

It's the only way I'd go.

Do you feel any pain?

Just very tired.

Oh, I don't think she should go to sleep, Barney.

We're gonna have to have you stand up, Mrs. Clooney.

Come on, we want to keep you walking.

Keep the blood circulating.

Okay. It's gonna be fine.

Hey, why don't you let me out of here.

Maybe I can do something.

I think you've done enough already, Mr. Clooney.

Uh, Barn... Barn.

Emergency Service Unit's on the way.

They want to know what she took. Yeah, okay. Hang on. Anything?

They're looking up the number. We're checking.

Hold on one second.

He was charming, intelligent, fun.

Of course I had no idea that he was...

I was gonna tell you a hundred times, Gloria!

I didn't want to wreck everything!

Thanks.

It's secobarbital.

They prescription called for 50 capsules.

Hey! Hey, could that kill her?

It could kill all of us.

Secobarbital, 50 capsules.

Secobarbital, 50 capsules.

We had two phones, two cars, two beds.

Too bad.

They're gonna be here in about 10 minutes.

But in the meantime, we gotta get her to empty her stomach.

You know, upchuck.

All right. Uh, Nick... Yeah, I know.

Give her some coffee.

And keep pouring it in her.

Two cups ought to do it.

Then he started taking trips out of town.

Sales meetings, he said.

Oh, Gloria, that was just on the kids' birthdays.

Was I supposed to send them cards?

Shut up. Barney, she's getting heavy.

The stuff's starting to get to her.

Fish, Wojo, take over.

Easy does it.

Uh, you take cream and sugar?

Hey, is she gonna be all right?

Well, just keep your fingers crossed, Mr. Clooney. I...

Hey, look, does...?

Does your wife in Cleveland know about her?

Of course not.

I was gonna tell them both at the same time.

See that. Sure, that's why he's got two phones.

Hello, there.

Did you, uh, forget something, Mr. Woolen?

No. I was justwondering if anybody claimed the money yet.

Look, we told you to come back in 30 days, not 30 minutes.

Who's this?

It's, uh, Mr. Woolen.

He found $3500 in cash and he turned it in.

Really? That's very honest of you, Mr. Woolen.

Listen, if you ever decide to run for mayor,

you got my vote.

Uh, I already promised him president.

I could have given him kids.

I've got a great body for kids.

I'm built like my mother.

She had four boys, three daughters and one husband.

Mrs. Clooney, more coffee.

I can't. It's making me sick to my stomach.

Happens to all of us, Mrs. Clooney.

Have I come at a bad time?

Oh, it's just a possible OD, Mr. Woolen.

Oh, that's a shame. Is she an addict?

No, she is not.

She is just a jerk, Mr. Woolen.

A romantic, idealist, naive jerk.

Gloria, stop saying those things about yourself.

Oh, shut up, Fred.

Hello, Mr. Woolen.

Mr, Woolen, is there something we can do for you?

Well, I was wondering,

I was halfway to work when a thought occurred.

Couldn't we put that $3500 in the bank?

That way it would earn interest

and if somebody did claim it,

well, there'd be a little left over.

I'm afraid we can't do that, Mr. Woolen.

That would constitute legal ownership

and that hasn't been established yet.

Oh. Well, it was just a thought.

Sorry I've disturbed you.

That's okay, Mr. Woolen.

Just come back at the end of the month, huh?

Has anybody ever turned in that much money?

I don't have any concern of that happening, no, Mr. Woolen.

Now, would you...?

Oh, uh... Uh, Fish, hold her for a second, will you?

I have got a great body for kids, baby.

Please, lady, I got a hernia.

I had a double.

Chano, come on, come on. Give us a hand, here.

Let's go. Come on. Easy does it, now.

Okay, Mrs. Clooney, here we go.

Oh, please, let me look at him one last time.

We gotta keep you walking Mrs. Cloo... Oh!

Oh, God.

I had the hots for you.

Don't give in. Hang in there, baby.

Don't give in, darling.

More coffee coming.

Barn, Barn, it's getting late.

I think I'm gonna have to miss my plane.

There are plenty more where they came from, Wojo.

Yeah, I guess so.

Yeah. Harris.

Uh, yeah. Thanks.

Okay, yeah. We'll get her downstairs right away.

Uh, Barney? Huh?

The, uh, Emergency Service Unit is pulling up outside.

Good. Fish, come on, let's go.

Bernice call while I was out?

Emergency Service Unit is downstairs.

Come on. Get her out. Oh, great. Great.

You're gonna be fine. You're gonna be all right.

So long, everybody. Goodbye.

Thanks for the coffee. Okay.

Goodbye, Fred. Forgive me.

Oh, there's nothing to forgive, Gloria, darling.

It was all my fault.

Manners, breeding, you gotta love the guy.

Okay, Mrs. Clooney, here you go.

You're gonna be fine. There we go.

It is?

All the way to Cleveland?

Thanks.

Sunny and fair?

Yeah.

Nearest storm is in Fiji.

When do you leave?

One hour.

Have a good time in Cleveland.

You could be the first.

Okay.

Hey, could we stop at that hospital on the way out there?

Nope, no time.

Don't worry, you get one phone call.

You can make it from the airport.

Which wife you call is, uh, your business.

I gotta call that hospital and find out if Gloria is all right.

On the other hand, I should call Barbara

and let her know I'm coming.

Twelfth Precinct, Harris.

Yeah, hi, Bernice.

Yeah, hold on. Fish'll be back just in a minute.

Yeah.

Hey, Nick, hey, you're a hero, man.

The guys downstairs said you saved her life with your coffee.

That's in very poor taste.

Is she okay? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's gonna be fine, but, uh,

they're gonna throw away the ambulance.

I won't be going out for lunch until April.

Uh, Fish, Bernice is on the phone.

Make it June.

Hello. Is that you, Bernice?

That felt good.

Could I borrow it for a couple of weeks?

Makes you want to go:

Hey, Wojo, you're back.

Well, you made it back in one piece.

Just got in.

How was the flight?

It was okay.

Good.

Oh, uh, Yemana, got your dollar back.

You didn't buy the insurance?

No. I decided to go cold turkey.

Oh, you keep the buck.

It's bad luck now, anyhow.

Hey, Wojo. Hi.

How'd you like the, uh, book?

Oh, I loved it. But it's not about airplanes.

Oh, no?

No, no.

It's about this woman.

Uh, she... She goes to Europe and, uh,

whole bunch of sexy stuff happens.

Oh, wow. You don't mean...

Yeah, yeah. Really.

I don't know why they call it "Fear of Flying."

Well, were you, uh, afraid while you were reading it?

No, man. I never gave it a thought.

Need I say more?

Hey, Barn? Yeah?

I, uh... I got a confession to make.

What's that?

I got sick on the plane.

Oh, listen, it happens to everybody.

I myself have used those little bags myself many times.

What little bags?