Original subtitles

Uh...

Stop!

Nick, Nick, Nick, please, you're killing my teeth, man.

What's the matter?

What's the matter, man?

How can you put people through that kind of pain

and not even know you're doing it?

Some people are like that.

But I don't want to give any examples.

Nick, uh, I've got some more changes for you to post.

Uh, I'll, uh... I'll do that.

Nick's got it.

I beg of you. Let... Let me do it.

What did I do?

Excuse me. May I speak to someone?

I'm Captain Miller. Can I help you?

My name is Stuart Sobel.

I'm having a little problem with my wife.

Over here, Mr. Sobel.

This is Sergeant Fish.

Sit down.

Thank you.

Is that your department?

Yeah. I started in Homicide

and worked my way up.

What seems to be the trouble with your wife?

She moved out of the house.

And the problem?

Well, you've got to understand.

My... My wife has been very disturbed lately.

Ever since she went through the change, she's been, uh...

Uh, changed?

Exactly. She started reading a lot and then she dropped out

of the Hadassah. And now she left the house

and moved in with her sister.

I still don't see any problem.

Well, she withdrew half our life savings from the bank.

Seven thousand dollars I had in there.

She took $3500 without even asking me.

Seems like a small enough price to pay,

I mean, if she's considering divorce.

You wouldn't believe what she's considering.

She's using the money to... To go to

Saturn.

Saturn?

Yeah.

Saturn where?

What do you mean, "Saturn where?"

Saturn, New York? Saturn, Ohio?

I mean Saturn.

Up there, Saturn.

Hold that thought.

Harris, you want to meet the first shipment

from the Fruit of the Month club?

Twelfth Precinct, Harris.

What?

Where?

Yeah. Okay.

Uh, Barney, there's been a shooting outside the building.

It's Wojo!

What happened?

What? This neighborhood is going to the dogs.

That's what happened. Amenguale.

Is your friend all right?

He was fortunate. Excuse me.

All the excitement.

What about the people walking up and down the street?

Barn, there wasn't a car in front.

And... There was nobody in the alley across the street,

so it's gotta be somebody from up on the roof somewhere.

Maybe in a window. Kogen's doing a house to house.

Yemana and Harris are gonna make sure he doesn't miss anything.

Okay, now, take it easy.

Did you see that hunk of granite that came off

the side of the building? A heavy-caliber rifle, probably.

- Have a cup of coffee. - Okay.

Nobody saw anything. Nobody heard anything.

Just like always. You'd think a guy walking around

with a rifle would attract a little bit of attention.

Maybe if he didn't have any clothes on.

Yeah. Maybe.

One thing that makes me madder than anything is...

Is getting shot at like that, you know?

I mean, in 'Nam... 'Nam, we more or less expected it,

but getting sniped at in the streets of New York City,

it's... It's... It's... Tacky?

Yeah.

New York is no different from anywhere else.

Los Angeles. Detroit.

That's right. That's right, I'm telling you.

They're shooting cops all over the place.

Don't take it personally, Wojo.

The... The irrational act

of one antisocial citizen

who wants to shoot a cop instead of seeing a doctor

doesn't mean the world is going crazy.

Yeah. That's what I meant.

Don't... Don't blow it out of proportion.

Don't make it too big. Otherwise you'll find yourself

walking down the street kicking people. Right.

Screaming in closet, bitin' bottles, right?

You better go down and give Harris and Yemana a hand.

Right. Right, Barney. Can I go with him?

Only if you heard what I just said. Okay.

I think you're absolutely right, captain.

A man has to maintain his perspective.

Yeah.

Barney, Mr. Sobel has a problem with his wife.

I don't know how serious it is yet.

All right. If you want me, I'll be in my closet.

Office.

I hate to take up your time when you've got troubles of your own.

Your troubles are our troubles, Mr. Sobel.

As you were saying?

My wife has been behaving very strangely

the last few months, you know.

She's been under a doctor's care.

Any port in a storm.

All of a sudden... All of a sudden she...

She became interested in metaphysics.

That kind of junk.

She, uh... She went to a...

The other day she went to a hotel.

She got out of the house and went to a hotel.

And she, uh... She... She... She...

She was listening to this man talk

about ecology and space and all that garbage.

He says that... That there's life...

There's life on other planets.

He says that... That we're all going to die one day

and that... That the "in" people

are going to Saturn.

And it costs $3500?

How'd you know?

I've seen that sort of confidence game before,

Mr. Sobel.

I also have a wife approaching metaphysics.

Shoot, man. You know what I'm going to do.

I'm gonna get me one of them new

four-button houndstooth flak vests.

You know, the kind with about three inches of steel in them?

I wouldn't stoop to wearing something like that.

I'd rather sneak into work.

Anybody come up with anything?

Nothing yet, Barney. Nobody heard a shot.

I mean, nobody seems to even know anything happened.

How come you can never get a witness when you need one?

Ha-ha.

Barney, I'm going to bring in a Mr. Morton Hackler.

He stays at the Hotel Greenwich.

What did he do?

He organizes junkets to other planets.

He's apparently got a lot of people convinced

there's a better life up there.

And what does he charge for this service?

Thirty-five hundred dollars apiece.

Why don't you just turn it over to Bunco, huh?

I will. If he's not legitimate.

Rebecca, it's not the money.

Oh, okay, part of it is the money.

I-I didn't say you weren't entitled.

I just said I didn't want you to throw it away.

Rebecca, nobody's ever been there before.

An M1 or carbine. Something like that.

Smells like a quick hit-and-run.

I mean, it's happened at other precincts.

Some weirdo wants to take a...

Shake up the police department. He throws a slug and runs,

and if he's lucky he doesn't hit anybody.

Yeah, we'll probably never see him again. Right?

Hey, man, I don't care. I got my vest ordered.

Hey, Barney.

Hi, how are you?

Well, now, what's this I hear?

Had a little, uh, bing-bang over here this morning, eh?

Fortunately it was just a minor incident.

Yeah. This the joker?

That's Mr. Sobel. He's a legitimate customer.

We haven't made a collar yet.

Watch it, Sobel.

Ah, you let him get away, huh?

Uh, inspector, it all happened so fast

I didn't get a real good look around.

Got rattled, did you?

Well, the bullet just missed me by a couple inches.

One bullet?

Yeah.

Well, uh,

it was a .30 caliber slug, you know?

It made a hole about that big in the wall down there.

One bullet.

I was hoping we could have locked this up

all nice and clean and neat.

We did a door-to-door.

We investigated any building that was possibly involved.

I'm sure you did, Barney. I know you did.

I was just hoping that I could go to division and tell them,

"My boys at the 12th Precinct grabbed a loony

who took a potshot at 'em this morning."

You know, short and sweet, neat and clean.

You know? No, instead I gotta go and say,

"A sniper over at the 1-2 precinct fired one round

"at one of my detectives, who ducked.

"Then they made a routine search of the rooftops,

"and the door-to-door,

and they come up empty."

Excuses. You know what I mean, Barney?

I'm sorry, inspector.

I guess if I'd have got hit

it would have made it a lot easier.

Oh, no.

I mean, uh... I ain't no coward.

I mean I get scared if there's something to get scared about.

I'm not stupid.

No, no, I ain't sayin' that, Wojciehowicz, I...

We... We just aren't as good cops as you used to have way back

a million years ago,

but this happens to be a sensational group

and we do the best we...

Well, I gotta go to the bathroom.

Combat fatigue, you know.

I've seen a lot of it.

Listen, Barney, I hope he didn't think

that I thought he was being a coward, know what I mean?

Well, he may have misread you, inspector.

Wojo is a very passionate man.

Yeah.

Polish people are like that.

Barney, I hope you get a chance to explain to him, you know,

that I meant no offense by it.

All I'm trying to do is make all you guys look good on the books

down at headquarters, you know what I mean?

Well, I'm sure after he thinks about it a while,

he'll understand.

I hope so Barn. Yeah. Well. Yeah.

See you.

See you around, guys.

Don't do anything I wouldn't do, huh.

How do you like that, Barney?

All right, all right.

I hope I'm not intruding.

Don't give it a second thought, Mr. Sobel,

happens all the time.

Absolutely, Mr. Sobel.

You see, we policemen work under a great deal of pressure,

and to relieve the tension we insult each other a lot,

but it doesn't mean anything.

That's why you see so many different ethnic types around,

you know, it gives us a lot of ammunition, you know.

Just a little dirty laundry, nothing to get excited about.

Step inside, Mr. Hackler.

That's the man.

That... That's the fake.

Wait a second, Mr. Sobel. Hey, take it easy, eh?

He's the one that's poisoning Rebecca's mind.

Barney, this is Mr. Morton Hackler,

a non-resident of New York,

or any of the other old familiar places for that matter.

Whe...?

Where are you from, Mr. Hackler?

I was born in Scranton, Pennsylvania.

The one that we know?

The same.

However, for the last several years,

I've been living out of the country.

Any place in particular?

Are you speaking of the physical me,

or the psycho-sensorial me?

Why don't we start with the substantial you?

Physically, I've been spending a good deal of time

in North Dakota, several miles outside of Fargo.

And the rest of you?

Has been living on Saturn.

What did I tell you? As phony as a two-dollar bill.

Barney. Barney,

you ain't never gonna believe this.

I get out, get into my car... Bang.

Somebody fires a shot through the windshield.

Weird, ain't it?

Same size slug. Probably the same rifle.

It's gotta be the same freak.

Don't worry, Barn, we'll run him down.

Maybe we'll get lucky, he'll fall off a roof.

Tell Kogen I want two men up on our roof

with binoculars around the clock.

Maybe he'll get cute once too often.

Okay. You know, Barn,

for a while there I figured earlier maybe it was a guy

who had a... A thing for me, you know.

But I feel better now that he took a shot at Luger.

Gentlemen, forgive me.

Terrorism seems to be all the rage.

Should I be calling a lawyer?

Mr. Hackler,

we don't have a formal complaint against you yet.

Actually, we'd like some information.

Mr. Sobel here says that

you're planning to colonize the planet Saturn.

You're charging 3500 bucks a head.

Is that true?

Not exactly the head, Captain Miller.

The mind.

The consciousness.

The being itself.

And the head stays here.

In a manner of speaking, yes.

With the money.

From the metaphysical standpoint

the body itself is totally unimportant.

But from a legal point of view,

it's the only thing we can get our hands on.

I understand.

Tell me, Mr. Hackler,

what happens to the rest of the body

when the mind is out of town?

Yeah, you can't leave the bodies on the streets.

That's illegal too.

Well, I don't think that would be too much of a problem.

After all, they are biodegradable.

The man is crazy.

He should be a ride at Disneyland.

Barney.

We haven't caught him yet, but we've got him on the run.

I-I-I wanna use your phone, you know,

call division, tell 'em we got everything under control.

They get a little insecure down there,

you know what I mean? Help yourself.

Rebecca.

Oh, if you're going to embarrass me, I'm leaving.

Look, I'm not going to embarrass you.

I just want to prove to you

that you're making a fool of yourself.

Mrs. Sobel, I'm Captain Miller.

We appreciate your coming down here. Listen.

This isn't the first time he's attempted to put me away.

That's not true, Rebecca.

I heard those conversations with the doctor.

"Rest," "quiet," "understanding."

You think I didn't know what you meant, Stuart?

You don't know what you're talking about.

How many times did you tell me,

"You're going out of your mind, Rebecca"?

An expression.

Oh, and how many times did you say,

"You're driving me crazy too, Rebecca"?

Also an expression.

Well, I've got an expression of my own now.

Goodbye and good luck.

Uh, Mrs. Sobel. Mrs. Sobel,

I still have a question.

Did you at any time

give any money to anyone for a trip?

That's all he's worried about. The money. Heh.

Oh, hello. Hello, Mr. Hackler.

Oh, I loved your talk.

Oh, thank you very much, Mrs. Sobel.

You see, you see? Such politeness.

Rebecca, this man's a crook. He's a fake.

When did you say ever say,

"Thank you very much, Mrs. Sobel" for anything?

Mrs. Sobel, we think Mr. Hackler may be a fraud.

Why? Why, because he said so?

Rebecca, you can't get to Saturn from here.

And even if you could get there, there's nothing up there.

How do you know? Have you ever been there, Mr. Know-it-all?

Look, I've never been to Japan, but I know it's there.

Sure. Pictures.

Pardon me for interrupting,

but Mrs. Sobel, did you give Mr. Hackler any money?

Not yet.

But I was looking forward to it.

If you wanted to go somewhere, why didn't you ask me?

I don't want to be obligated.

All right, let's stop playing esoteric games with each other,

Mr. Hackler.

If I ever find out that you've taken money from anyone

for interplanetary travel,

I'm going to have you up here on attempted grand larceny.

Do you people really think that there is nothing

in the entire solar system

compared to what you've got down here?

You mean, New York?

Rebecca, I don't care about the money that much.

I... I just don't want you to go anywhere.

I, uh... I can't get along without you.

Stuart,

the doctor says I can't give you children anymore.

So what? So what?

Hackler says that there isn't any room for any.

Besides, we got four.

But they're all out of town.

Rebecca, come home with me. Please?

All right.

Thank you very much, Mrs. Sobel.

Captain.

We're going home

and I want to thank you very much for everything.

That's quite all right, Mr. Sobel.

Goodbye, Mr. Hackler.

If we don't see each other again, drop me a card.

Barney, Hackler's clean.

All right, turn him loose.

But stay in touch.

Okay, Hackler.

Mr. Hackler, tell me the truth. Hm?

All kidding aside.

Do you really believe you've been up there?

Absolutely.

I'm just curious.

What's it like?

It's heaven.

So if Saturn is heaven, then hell is...?

Philadelphia.

Barney, we got some great news.

We chased the guy right out of the neighborhood.

Yeah, the dummy took a shot at the 43rd precinct

and they got him.

Anybody hurt?

Nope. I guess all he could hit

was the side of a building.

Hey, Barney,

I got some bad news for you.

That freak got away from us, you know?

We chased him right into the open arms of the 43rd.

They grab him.

Yeah, I just heard the news.

Ah, well. We'll get a crack at something else, you know?

There's enough loose flakes

floating around this city for everybody.

Let's just be thankful that nobody was hurt.

I suppose so, Barney, yeah, only...

You know, it's... It's not...

It's not the worst way in the world

for a cop to go, know what I mean?

I'm not sure I do.

What I mean is, Barney,

there's nothing in the world worse

than an old cop.

Aw, Fish, no.

Come on, Fish, present company excepted.

You know what I mean, Barney.

When it was me and Foster and Kleiner and Brown.

There weren't four better cops on the force than us.

So, what happens:

Foster died of pneumonia, sucking for air.

Kleiner, three strokes like that,

he lay there like a carrot.

The sweet red-headed son of a...

Brown. He got put in a happy house

up there in New Hampshire, you know?

They're feeding him tapioca three times a day on a spoon.

Last month I go up to see him, say:

"Hey, Brownie, how are you?"

That's no way for a cop to die, Barney.

Know what I mean? Sorry.

I mean, I expose myself like this,

because it's just...

Oh, listen, they...

They still got my car down at ballistics.

Will somebody give me a ride down to Manhattan South?

Heh. I'm afraid the only one who's got a car is Fish.

Yeah, well, I'll grab a cab.

Hey, listen to this.

Says here that this wheat farmer

saw a glowing object hovering over his field.

It hung in the sky about a minute and a half,

and just darts off. Vanishes.

Oh, boy.

Another flying saucer.

Where was this?

About 10 miles from Fargo, North Dakota.

Hey, some of Mr. Hackler's friends, eh?

We just got a post card from the Sobels.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

"Twelfth Precinct, NYPD. Manhattan." Etcetera.

"Having a wonderful time. It's very beautiful here.

"Thank you for your consideration.

Best regards."

Sent from the Franklin Manor.

Where's that at?

Uh, Philadelphia.

The devil, you say?