Original subtitles

Coffee ready yet?

Here you go.

For the last time.

Hey, what do you mean last time?

Are we, uh...? We running out of coffee?

No, you're running out of me.

It's a New Year's resolution.

I'm not gonna make any coffee in 1976.

Oh, man, that's ridiculous.

You always make the coffee.

It's practically a tradition.

I don't care.

I am fed up to here with remarks like,

"Hey, you wash your socks in the coffee?"

"Hey, Nick..."

"Hey, Nick, you might be a cop but your coffee is a crime."

You make it for a couple years and see how you like it.

Hey, man, I can't make coffee.

I mean, I might fashion a little beef bourguignon,

open a couple bottles of wine.

Man, I don't even fool with coffee.

I don't care.

It's 9:15.

That's probably my last pot.

Hey. Hi, Woj.

Boy, is it, uh, getting jammed up out there, you know?

Yeah? Yeah.

Happy New Year, guys.

Man, you're not gonna be doing that all night, are you?

Hey, I'm just trying to keep you in a good mood, you know?

I mean, just because we gotta work New Year's Eve,

no reason we gotta be miserable.

No, we don't have to.

It's, uh, just a thought.

Okay, Mr. Jackson, you wanna stand right here, please?

Careful with my hands.

My fingers are my life.

Pianist? Pickpocket.

Have a seat right over there, Mr. Jackson. Right there.

Good evening, gentlemen.

Happy New Year to you all.

Happy New Year, Barn.

That's lovely, Wojo.

I didn't know you played on of those things.

Just, uh, trying to keep everybody in a good mood.

He's doing a wonderful job.

Everybody here?

Where's Fish?

Oh, he's coming right behind me, Barney

Bringing in the victim of this pocket picker.

Oh, first customer of the evening.

Maybe we ought to give him a prize.

It's a shame you had to get me so early.

New Year's Eve is my best night of the year.

Ours too.

It's getting tougher to make a buck in this city.

We don't get the World Series anymore,

all the good fights are coming from Africa.

Well, you should do better with the bicentennial.

And don't forget, the Democratic Convention is coming up.

Well, that's all on the come.

What do I do in the meantime?

Okay, okay, I'll take your sobriety test.

And what's more, I ain't gonna pass it.

Would someone get this man a cup of coffee?

Yeah.

You still got time.

Good coffee tonight, Nick.

You're too late.

Look, just because I'm bombed,

that don't mean that I don't know

the second I become robbed.

This is our victim?

This is Michael D. Crowley, Barney.

Mr. Crowley is in the construction business.

Are you prepared to, uh, sign a complaint?

You bet I am.

I'm also prepared to knock his nose right through his hat.

Take it easy. Take it easy.

Violence.

As if that were the answer.

Yeah. No values, Mr. Jackson.

I mean, look around you.

No values.

Here you go.

What's in it?

Don't we wish we knew.

See?

Mr. Crowley is to remain here

until he's sober enough to sign that complaint.

That could mean February.

Twelfth Precinct, Wojciehowicz.

Happy New Year.

O... Okay, okay. Sit tight. We'll be there.

Hey, uh, Barn? Huh?

Uh, the clerks over at Kreisler's Drug Store,

they're holding a shoplifter.

All right. Nick, go with him.

Twelfth Precinct, Fish.

Where?

The Mercantile Building?

What floor is he on?

The 15th?

Yeah, that could kill him, I gather.

Did you tell him that suicide was not the answer

and he's got a lot to live for and all that malarkey?

He didn't buy it.

Well, what does he want?

A piece of what?

Oh, just plain peace.

Well, see if you can get a net under him

and we'll get someone over.

Barney,

there's a wacko on the ledge on the Mercantile Building

who says he's gonna jump unless there's peace

in the Mideast before midnight.

The man's in a lot of trouble.

Somebody ought to check it out, I guess.

Okay, go ahead.

Just wish he'd have picked an easier spot, like...

Like Spain or Canada.

Twelfth Precinct, Captain Miller speaking.

I beg your pardon?

Uh, no, it...

It is not against the law between consenting adults.

If it's... Hello?

Hello?

Happy New Year.

Yeah, you know, you got very light fingers, Mr. Jackson.

We almost couldn't read your prints.

Thank you.

You guys got any aspirin?

Uh, Chano,

would you look in Fish's desk there

for some aspirin, please?

Oh, sure.

What kind would you like?

We got, uh...

We got pills, we got time capsules,

chewing gum, liquid.

You pick it.

I'm in no condition to make a decision anymore.

Yeah, yeah. Well, uh...

How about the time capsules,

in case you got future plans?

Yeah.

Uh, which way's the bathroom?

Oh, how'd it go?

We got a priest up there talking to him.

But he wants to talk to Kissinger.

I said I'd take a message.

Did it do any good?

He gave me until midnight

to get the Israelis off the Golan Heights.

Well, uh, you're good, Fish.

But I don't know.

He said he can't face a new year

with the threat of nuclear confrontation

between us and Russia.

Well, now, I... I would say he was crazy,

now I'm not so sure.

He was very persuasive, Barney.

For a moment there,

I was thinking of jumping with him.

You did what you could.

I haven't tried Kissinger.

Are you serious?

What have I got to lose?

Do you have any idea where he is?

Somebody ought to know.

Good luck.

Hello, everybody. Hi.

Happy New Year. Happy New Year.

Mwah.

Happy New Year, Fish.

Happy New Year. Happy New Year.

I thought you were gonna ring in the new with Bernice.

Oh, I am, I am.

And I promise I'll be off the streets by midnight.

But I wanted you all to know that you are not forgotten.

So I brought you hors d'oeuvre and cookies and fruit.

And hats.

Oh, beautiful.

Now, we all get hats and Wojo only got a horn.

Besides, I wanted to see you first.

Oh?

Have a little time to fool around in your office?

What did you have in mind?

How much time do you have?

A couple of minutes.

Oh, well...

that's a good long handshake, isn't it?

No, no, no, don't cry, no, don't... Don't...

Don't get upset. No, no.

Chano, Chano, she doesn't speak English.

She don't understand anything I was saying.

Oh.

And I don't know what she's talking about.

I couldn't even read her my... Her rights.

Talk about frustrated.

What's all that?

That's Mrs. Rodriguez.

She's the shoplifting suspect from Kreisler's Drug Store.

Wow, man, is she ripe.

You know, it's got me real worried.

Is there any coffee left?

No, you'll have to get Barney to make you some.

Happy New Year.

You're one hour, eight minutes and about 32 seconds early.

Want me to come back a little later?

I'd rather you didn't.

Life is tough enough as it is around here.

It's your last chance for a little scandal in 1975.

You trying to ruin my reputation?

No, I'm trying to give you one.

Oh, well.

Here's a little something to brighten up the old

one-two at midnight.

It better be a lamp, because we're still on duty.

Oh, it's just champagne, Barney.

I think you deserve a little sip.

I appreciate the, uh, thought but, uh, rules are rules.

It's only 12-percent alcohol.

You'll still be upholding 88 percent of the law.

Curses. The feds.

Here, I don't know you.

Come in.

Excuse me, uh, B-Barney, we got a problem.

What's that?

Well, uh, that, uh, shop... Shoplifter we brought in,

she... She's pregnant. Oh.

Listen, make her as comfortable as possible, will you?

Uh, no, Barn. I... I mean, sh-she's really pregnant.

She, uh...

I think she could have a kid right there on my desk.

You mean she's in labor?

Uh, I... I don't know.

But I think it's too late for that.

Ask her if she's had a baby before?

No, no.

Barney, I think we should get her into your office.

She looks very faint to me. Oh, no, no, no, no.

Just tell her we're trying to make her more comfortable.

What'd she say? She says it's impossible.

Tell her we're gonna try anyway.

Tell her to breathe very rapidly through her mouth, like this:

Tell her.

Tell her this is my wife

and she's already had two children of her own.

No, no, no, no.

Oh, that's good. Breathe, breathe.

How do you say breathe? Respire.

Respire.

Very good. Very good.

Uh, Barn, uh, Bellevue can't get a doctor here for an hour.

An hour! Doctor's swamped.

God, they... They won't get here till 12:30.

Oh, wow.

Wouldn't it be funny if the baby were born

right at the stroke of midnight?

Inconvenient, yes. Funny, I don't know.

Hey, Barney, there are 12 obstetricians

in a 15-block area.

Eight of them are either out of town or out on calls.

Isn't that weird?

Kissinger isn't in either.

I left messages on all the other exchanges.

You better look into, uh, paramedics.

What, is she that close?

She's close enough for me.

I'll keep trying.

Yeah, uh, let me help you.

How are you doing?

The State Department suggested that maybe someone

from the Israeli Consulate here

could explain to the wacko about the Golan Heights.

And if there are any promises made,

to be sure to let them know immediately.

Hello, Mr. Crowley, you wanna sign this stuff?

What is it?

Complaint forms charging, uh, Mr. Jackson here

with third-degree grand larceny.

No, I don't sign nothing until I read it.

Take your time.

Hey, read this for me, will you?

I can't see without my glasses.

It's your standard felony complaint,

155-30 form.

It ought to get me about one to five.

With good behavior I ought to be back on the streets in '77.

A little more resentful toward society.

With a little less faith in the capacity

of human beings to forgive.

Hey, wait a minute.

I didn't steal your wallet, you stole mine.

Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord.

The Lord's got nothing to do with this.

The Lord didn't walk into that bar and steal my wallet.

Listen, you got a chance here to teach a person

a great moral lesson.

You don't want it, get lost.

How is she?

She's okay. She's a little embarrassed.

She's never been arrested before.

What, uh...? What she take, anyway?

Oh, uh, just, uh, some baby stuff.

You know, uh, some diapers, uh, talcum powder and baby oil.

Hey, is that all it is? I'll pay for it myself.

Uh, we offered to.

Uh, they want to make a federal case out of it.

All right, I'll call them up in the morning.

Hey, Barney, uh,

there's no answer at the Consulate

and the United Nations' number

is no longer in service at the present time.

So I'm gonna go back to the Mercantile Building.

I only got 20 minutes.

What are you gonna tell him?

I'm gonna lie to him.

I'm gonna tell him that Israel is moving off the Golan Heights.

But, uh... What if he doesn't believe you?

Well, I'm afraid we won't be seeing much

of each other anymore.

Barney, come on. She's in labor.

Are you sure? Take my word for it.

Well, you ought to know.

Oh, Barney... Uh, just a minute.

Uh, I got one. It's a Dr. Richard Zimmerman.

He's at, uh, Herkimer General.

Uh, Dr. Zimmerman.

Yes, now, uh, we have a, uh, a pregnant lady here

who, uh, apparently is in labor.

She is very definitely in labor.

Who is very definitely in labor.

Well, the way the streets are jammed up,

we couldn't get uh, an ambulance through or a doctor.

She's never had a child before.

I can't leave her alone. Tell him I've timed her contractions

and they're coming two minutes apart.

Uh, her contractions are coming two minutes apart.

I see.

We're gonna have a baby.

Uh, yes, we're... We're police officers,

but, um, we've had just a... A... You know,

certain amount of emergency medical training.

You know, not... Uh, o... Okay, pad, pad.

Pad? Uh, hold on. Hold on.

Right, shoot.

Okay, water first, right.

Second stage, cervical dilation, right.

Bearing-down pain.

Yes, I remember. Yes, I remember.

Okay.

Try to keep as clean as possible.

Tie the cord.

Cut the cord.

Keep the baby warm.

And pat his feet. Pat his feet? What for?

Oh, to stimulate crying.

Got the feet now, huh?

Yes. Right.

Right, thank you very much.

Okay.

Here it is.

Uh, yeah. It sounds reasonable enough.

Well, I mean,

the doctor's gonna be here in 40 minutes.

Oh, just in time for a cigar, huh?

Oh, my God.

Barney, the baby is coming.

Oh, uh, Nick, boil some water!

Yeah. As long as I don't have to put any coffee in it.

Harris, uh, sheets, shirts, blankets,

anything you can find in the storeroom.

Chano, you better get back in there

and keep communication lines open.

Right. Do we have really strong soap?

Uh... Uh, just the regular stuff.

See whatever kind of first-aid equipment you can find.

Yeah, uh, Barn? What?

Have you ever delivered a baby before?

Not yet.

It can be kind of tricky, you know?

Like, what if it's a breech?

Don't give me any problems.

Barney, I... I just think I should do it.

I, uh... Once before in Vietnam I... I delivered one.

By yourself?

Yeah, well, uh, practically.

I mean, there was this medic there but he... He was all hurt.

I-I did it myself, you know?

What do you know? There is a doctor in the house.

You don't have to live like this.

Why don't you do something else?

I'm not a very capable person.

I'm just trying to hang in there.

So sign it and put me away.

Take your pound of flesh.

I don't want no pound of flesh.

Then take my wallet, we'll be even.

Hold it down. Have a little respect.

We're having a baby in here.

Where the hell are we?

Uh-oh... Oh, oh...

How's it going? Oh, it won't be long now.

How's Wojo doing? Oh, he's doing great.

You'd be so proud of him.

Don't surprise me.

Once he took a splinter out of my finger.

Hurry up! She wants you with her.

The baby's gonna come any minute.

It's gonna be fine.

It's gonna be fine.

Uh, Twelfth Precinct, Harris.

Yeah, well, if you snap it up in a little bit,

maybe you'll make it in time for the christening.

Bellevue, they finally got an ambulance loose.

They said they'll send one over in a few minutes.

Oh, big deal.

Listen, if they make it, they make it.

If not, we've got it locked, right?

From your mouth to his ear.

Hey, uh...

what happens if I don't sign this?

Huh? What? Sign what?

The complaint against him.

Why wouldn't you sign it? The man stole your wallet.

Oh, I just don't need the aggravation.

You want him in jail, you put him in jail.

It's not up to me, Mr. Crowley.

It's up to you and a judge.

Then you and the judge, you work it out

between you, you know?

I got too many problems.

Nick, give Mr. Crowley back his evidence.

Harris, turn him loose.

Yeah, all right.

You got a break tonight, Jackson.

You might not be so lucky next time.

Hey, I appreciate it.

And I... I made a New Year's resolution.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's hear it.

Next year I'm gonna work a different precinct.

Promises, promises.

Hey, uh, Happy New Year, buddy.

See you around.

Did you hear something?

That doesn't sound like anybody we know.

Huh? It's a boy.

It's a magnificent boy.

Hey!

Congratulations...

Somebody gonna have a baby in here?

Get in there!

You got the right place, but the wrong tense.

The baby's already here. Come on, get moving.

Easy, easy.

Oh, Barney, Barney, he's beautiful.

He's beautiful. And he's perfect.

From the top of his head to the tip of his toes.

Yeah. The kid ain't that bad, either.

Hey, Fish! Fish, we had a boy!

Congratulations.

And according to my calculations, let's see,

it was about allowing 15 seconds

for whooping and hollering,

it was about two minutes after 12, agreed?

- Right, right. - Agreed.

How'd you do?

You win one, you lose one.

I'm sorry.

Here's the baby.

Oh, it's got hair.

Chano.

Oh.

She would like to thank us all.

And she would like to name the baby after you.

¿Cómo te llamas?

Uh, Wojciehowicz.

¿Qué?

Wojciehowicz.

Just like... Just... Just spell it just like it sounds.

Wojciehowicz.

Ah, sí.

Adiós. Gracias.

Good night. Bye-bye.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year.

Happy New Year.

Uh, Mrs. Miller? Yeah.

Um, tell... Tell him...

Tell her "Stan" is all right.

Boy, what a New Year's Eve.

The rest of the year has got to be downhill.

It ought to be a cinch.

Taxes ain't due until April.

Okay, I'm buying everybody breakfast.

Come on, let's go, Wojo.

Uh, I don't think I could eat an egg.

Fish, come on.

Be right with you.

Bernice, it's not bad luck if you don't kiss your wife

on the stroke of midnight.

Yes, I know we did it last year.

Uh, Daily News?

This is Detective Sergeant Harris

at the Twelfth Precinct.

I'm, uh, very proud to report

that the first baby of 1976

was born right here in this squad room.

Uh, yes, ma'am Yeah, it was 12:02.

What do you mean third?

Story of my life.