Original subtitles

Well, can you give me some idea when it's gonna let up?

I mean, eight hours from now?

Twenty-four hours?

Forty days?

I hate the rain.

Can't go anyplace.

Can't do anything.

Outside, I mean.

Can't play ball.

Can't go for a bike ride.

Hey, there's an article here.

Some guy claims that the weather conditions

are controlled by the Rockefeller family.

So they can bring about one world government.

Crackpots.

Ever see Rocky with an umbrella?

He don't need one.

It don't rain on him.

Who?

Rockefeller.

It don't rain on him.

Stop it.

Just stop it.

Gets on your nerves after a while, doesn't it?

Oh, man.

Why are all the bigwigs

in that big glass building with the radiant heating,

while we who do the work, we gotta work in a sieve?

What's more, you'd better get some more pans.

'Cause according to the weather bureau,

it's not gonna let up until tomorrow afternoon

at the earliest.

Man.

If this keeps up all night,

I may kill somebody before morning.

I get a call, I'm up here in a flash.

So what's all this about leaks?

You got eyes?

They're from the roof.

Do you think you'll be able

to do anything about it, Mr. Beckman?

I'll have to go up on the roof and take a look.

Well, we would appreciate that.

It's a bad building, captain.

Was a big scandal when it was finished in '32.

They put sand in the cement, water in the plaster,

used rotten wood for the frames.

Everybody went to jail.

Ironic, isn't it?

From the rain, all right.

Gets on the roof and then leaks all through the ceiling.

You know what I like about you, Beckman?

You got grasp.

My pleasure, captain.

Rain.

Twelfth Precinct. Detective Sergeant Amenguale speaking.

Oh, lousy weather.

You should see the subway.

Ah, there's one thing though. A good rain always

washes all that garbage and dirt off the street.

Yeah, right into the subway.

Goodbye.

Barney, that was a Mr. Gardeno,

owner of the Chez Ho-Ho Nightclub.

Says some guy started a fight over there

and they're busting up his place.

Oh, take a run over there. Okay.

Harris, uh, go with Chano.

Hey, why me, captain?

I just got out of the rain.

It's like getting out of the ocean

and then going right back in.

You know, the shock isn't as great.

Hey, but I just ate.

Don't I have to wait an hour?

Come on, Harris.

Your idiocy is lost on the captain.

No, man. Wow.

That's all you gonna wear?

Yeah, man.

I don't like all that heavy stuff.

See that, man? What I like

is to get wet on the outside, not on the inside.

How did they know?

Another one, huh?

Beckman's up on the roof

trying to see what he can do about these leaks.

Remind me to change these pants... Yeah.

Before I go home.

Uncomfortable, huh?

No, Bernice gets turned on

by the smell of wet corduroy.

You should see it.

There's 6 inches of water up there, captain.

The buildings on either side are draining onto your roof.

The Rockefellers again.

They're gonna have to pump that water off.

And we can't do it until the rain stops.

And until you can, we're gonna get more leaks. Right?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Into each life some rain must fall.

Not necessarily.

Twelfth Precinct. Fish.

You can get a hernia doing this.

I can get a hernia from doing just about anything.

Twelfth Precinct. Sergeant Fish.

No, I... No, no, ma'am.

I don't think the Hudson will overflow its banks.

Would you leave a nice, soft bed

to flow through a cold, dirty city like New York?

Okay.

No more coffee?

Comin' up, Barney.

You gonna use that water?

It's rainwater. The best kind there is.

Some people wash their hair in it.

It's just come through the ceiling.

That... That moldy, termite-infested ceiling.

That filters out the impurities.

Okay, Mr. Ace.

Uh, you better come over this way.

I could've done easy stuff.

Wife jokes, spoofs on commercials.

I wanted to do something fresh.

Uh-huh. Innovative.

What happened?

Silence followed by physical abuse.

Uh, Barney, this is, um...

Jackie Ace. You heard of me?

Why, you got a record?

Mr. Ace is a comedian.

He was, uh, doing his monologue at the nightclub,

and, uh, apparently it wasn't going over too well.

Pearls before swine.

Regardless, Mr. Ace began insulting the audience.

What insults? I did stuff like,

"Well, I see I'll have to speed up, folks.

I know some of your tractors are double-parked."

That's...

Mr. Ace left the stage and went out into the audience.

And, uh, apparently as the result of a comment he made

concerning the ankles of a man's wife,

a fight ensued and turned out to be

pretty much of a free-for-all.

Mr. Gardeno, the owner of the club,

is holding Mr. Ace personally responsible for the damage

and is coming down to press charges.

Just like Lenny Bruce.

You try to do topical material, they crucify you.

You're being held on disorderly conduct, Mr. Ace.

Not social criticism.

Mr. Ace, would you, uh, have a seat over here, please?

What is this, you gonna have a dance later on?

Boy, is this depressing.

Makes me homesick.

Why don't you write 'em a letter?

Nah.

I used to do that.

I don't do it anymore.

I like to save all my news

for when I get home at Christmas.

Last year, if I hadn't got sick on a train

we wouldn't have had nothing to talk about.

Boy, is that depressing.

Yeah, now that you mention it.

Crummy Philistines.

I-I do a beautiful routine.

I mean, it's current. It's thought-provoking.

I do bicentennial impressions.

Vignettes of our nation's founding.

Huh? Classy, right?

Yeah, okay. Date of birth?

October 12, 1924.

Hey, get a load of this. Dig.

John Hancock signing the Declaration of Independence:

Wait a minute, do I get to read this first?

Address?

You didn't think that was funny?

Mr. Ace, we got a lot of work to do.

Otherwise, I would be laughing!

Historically.

Pretty good, huh?

For a non-pro, eh.

Historically.

Wow, it's still raining.

Yeah, depressing, ain't it?

It's not as depressing as this coffee.

What's the matter with it? I just made it.

Tastes like a roof.

You want good coffee, get married.

It's tasting better.

I'm at the 12th Precinct.

No, it's not a nightclub.

I'm under arrest.

Well, come down and get me out of here, will ya?

You're my agent. You're responsible for me.

And hurry up.

You know I'm allergic to persecution.

Look... Look, if you guys are gonna beat me,

will you let me take off my tux?

Come on, Mr. Ace.

We're just gonna put you in a cell

until bail is provided.

Oh. Step this way, please.

Boy, was I doing great tonight.

But you should have seen that audience.

They sat there and stared at me like I was a freak!

This way, please. Wait a minute. Look. Listen.

Benedict Arnold to Nathan Hale:

"Hang in there, kid."

This way, Mr. Ace.

Mollie Pitcher at the Battle of Monmouth:

"Everybody got water?

How about some napkins and silverware?"

In here, Mr. Ace of Clubs, huh?

One more, one more! There we are.

Yeah, sure. Betsy Ross to George Washington:

"I don't know how to sew teeth."

Don't we have any crime?

You just missed it.

Oh, Mr. Beckman. How we doing with the roof?

I got some good news and then I got some bad news.

I could've done good-news-bad-news jokes.

I just wanted to elevate.

Could you possibly consolidate them

into one piece of lackluster news?

I've just been up on the roof again.

There's over 5 feet of water there now.

I'm no engineer.

But my personal opinion is that

that roof can't support all of that water.

Nick, call emergency services.

Are you telling us that

that roof could collapse on top of us?

That's crazy.

Water is a lot heavier than it looks,

like when it's in a glass.

Hey, ha... Hey, uh, dig this.

Paul Revere to Benjamin Franklin:

"There's a crack in the Liberty Bell.

I told you we should have got a horn."

Huh? Huh? Huh?

Barney.

This is, uh, Captain Miller of the 12th Precinct.

Look, we've got a very old building here.

And I've just been informed we've got

5 feet of water on the roof.

It appears... Well, don't you think

that's gonna create an unnatural stress?

I mean...

You certain?

Okay. Thank you.

Says that it's structurally impossible

for anything to happen.

Says he'd stake his reputation on it.

Well, that's good enough for me.

Hey, building's 40 years old.

I mean, a little water's not gonna bring it down.

You'd be amazed how much water

an old structure can hold.

Hey, man, look at this mess. Oh.

Didn't you know this thing was filling up with water?

Oh.

I can hear water when it's dripping.

I can't hear water when it's sneaking down a wall.

Hey, man, here's one marked confidential.

I sure hope we meant it,

'cause ain't nobody ever gonna read this one.

Take my word for it, captain.

You have nothing to worry about.

Well, if you say... What's going on here?

The files have filled up with rain.

Doesn't surprise me.

Now, you hear that?

Now, they've been coming 15 minutes apart.

Well, pack a bag, dear.

It's time to leave for the hospital.

The roof is settling.

The roof is settling? This building is 40 years old.

How come it didn't settle 40 years ago?

You don't understand the dynamics of a building.

A building isn't just static.

It moves. It breathes.

It expands. It, uh, contracts.

Sways back and forth in the wind.

That's what killed the Edsel.

- Excuse me, I'm looking for... - Arthur! Arthur!

In here. Jackie, baby. What happened?

I was attacked for being relevant.

Sweetheart, let me handle this.

Officer, uh, my name is Bloom. Arthur Bloom.

I'm Mr. Ace's agent.

Will you explai... My God, what is that?

No need to be alarmed.

It's just the building catching its breath.

Hey Barney, come on, where can we put this?

I mean, we're running out of dry places.

The safest place is right there in that cell.

That's where the bracing of the ceiling is.

Put it in there.

Save some room for us.

Uh, excuse me.

Officer, I just wanna say

that the conditions in this jail are intolerable.

I may lodge a formal complaint.

Lodge it. I'll sign it.

Still raining in here.

Still raining out there?

Yeah, it's depressing, isn't it?

Well, it can't last forever.

Why not?

Never has before.

Oh, what difference does it make, anyway?

I blew it.

I should be in Barbados,

retired and living on my royalties

as a best-selling author.

But I blew it.

Well, you still got time.

Couldn't catch a flight out of here

while it's raining, anyway.

Yeah, here you go. He's in here.

Mr. Gardeno, it was wonderful of you to come down.

Don't tell me about wonderful.

You don't know anything about wonderful.

You told me he was wonderful.

Where'd you get that wonderful audience tonight?

Rent them from the Nazi Party?

Thank you. Will you please? Please.

Do you know what my club looks like inside?

A junkyard.

Good, now it matches the outside.

Mr. Gardeno,

on behalf of my client I wanna apologize.

And may I offer a wonderful solution for all of us.

A little bit of water never hurt anything.

I'd stake my professional reputation on it.

You're absolutely certain there's no danger?

I'd be surprised to pick up tomorrow's papers

and read that this building had collapsed.

I'll bet you won't let it ruin your day.

Roof's gonna be all right, huh, Barn?

You heard the man.

He stakes his professional reputation on it.

Yeah, well, we all die tomorrow,

who's gonna know that?

We'll leave a note.

Who's the guy with the agent?

Gardeno, the nightclub owner.

He come to press charges?

Trying to work things out.

Look at that.

They don't need us anymore.

Looks like nobody needs us anymore.

Barn?

Uh, you got a minute?

Hopefully.

All I'm asking is that you give him one more chance.

You told me he did funny stuff.

He does funny stuff.

Wonderful, classy, magnificent.

Jackie, Jackie, do, uh... Mm?

Do, uh, James Monroe, huh?

James Monroe? Yeah.

"Is there a doctrine in the house?"

Yeah. Huh? Huh? Huh?

I don't get it. Who's James Monroe?

For God sakes. Read a book.

I don't know.

Are we getting anywhere, Barney?

It's hard to say.

Where do you wanna go?

Uh... I expected things would get better.

It just seems the harder we work,

the more everything stays the way it was.

That's called progress.

Yeah.

Just seems like such a waste of time.

It's not a waste of time.

We contribute.

Ah.

But we're not respected, Barney.

You see?

If there's one thing I wanted

more than anything else in the world,

it's respect.

Now I would settle for a little...

politeness.

You're still aiming too high.

Thank you.

How can you collect damages if he doesn't have a job?

Easy, I'll take everything he's got.

Ha. You're too late, pal.

My ex-wife's got it all.

The car, the boat, the chateau in Flushing.

Jackie, come on. And I don't need that character.

You understand? I got talent.

♪ I'll give my thanks On Thanksgiving ♪

♪ For winding up With a turkey like you ♪

That's supposed to be good?

It's great. Do yourself a favor.

The only way he's gonna be able

to pay damages is if... If he's working.

So let him get a job.

Yeah, well, why don't you book him back again

so you'll get even?

♪ If these April showers Keep falling ♪

♪ And the floods Come raging through ♪

♪ Don't come home To my house ♪

♪ My house will Come over to you ♪

This has got to be

the worst night I've ever spent on the job.

Well, you're young yet.

I got good news, captain.

We got a pump on the roof

and we're draining off the water into the air shaft.

Barney? Mm.

Barney, the air shaft is filling up with water

and it's leaking into the storeroom.

You got any suggestions, Beckman?

Listen, we took care of the roof,

we'll take care of the storeroom.

Okay. Uh, Barney,

Mr. Gardeno has decided not to press charges. Oh.

He's gonna keep Mr. Ace on till he pays the damages.

What about all those possible assaults?

Well, nobody's filing any complaints.

Turn him loose.

Okay.

Look at that.

The only catch of the night and we gotta throw him back.

Okay, Mr. Ace. It has been entertaining

having you, uh, play the 12th Precinct.

We hope never to have you back.

Ha-ha. Thanks.

And listen, you guys are all invited

to be my guests at the club.

I'm gonna open with a new act.

Will it be funny?

Are you kidding? It's can't-miss material.

I call it my Renaissance Revue.

You see, he does takeoffs of famous personalities

of the 16th century.

Jackie, do... Ha-ha.

Do Michelangelo.

Michelangelo?

Hold it!

I think we ought to wallpaper instead!

God.

What, you don't know him either?

You ostrich!

Mr. Gardeno! Mr. Gardeno!

Oh, Barn, it's a mess in there.

I mean, everything's soaked.

The records, the forms, all the stolen property.

All the nightsticks are gonna warp.

Only place in the whole building without running water

is the bathroom.

That's it.

That's it.

Nick, get the division commander.

I think we've all had enough, huh?

I've had it up to here.

With inefficiency. With complacency.

With... With... With trying to keep this place together

with spit and wire!

I'm sick and tired of trying to keep the lid

on this potboiler situation we're living in!

With... With no heat, no air, no light.

No decent toilets!

They are gonna hear it from me!

I don't want any excuses. I don't wanna hear from budgets.

I don't wanna hear any cockamamie fiscal garbage.

They can take this job! They can...

Barney, I can't get through.

Uh, the phone lines must be washed out.

What happened?

A piece of the ceiling collapsed.

Sure, what do you expect?

Can't yell in a building like this.

Listen, everyone, I, uh...

I'd like to apologize to everybody...

Oh, no. No, no, no, no.

I'm the one always saying keep things in perspective and...

Hey, forget it, Barney.

I mean, we all were depressed tonight.

Uh, you're just the first person to put it into screams.

I mean, depression is a lot like a cold.

One guy gets it, he starts passing it around.

Yeah.

But you can't let it get you.

What you gotta do is develop an Oriental philosophy.

Like my grandfather used to say:

"Many things look bleak at the moment of occurrence,

but at least we ain't got locusts."