Original subtitles

Hey. Hey, hey. Wait, hold it. Stop, thief!

Somebody stole my words.

Look at that. Man, I've been typing for 15 minutes,

and there's not one letter on this page.

I think your ribbon died.

What are you talking about?

It was fine when I got here this morning.

Yeah, well, sometimes they go fast.

You know, just like that. Tension.

Hey, Fish.

Hey, you okay, Fish?

Yeah, I'm just sick and tired

of violence on television.

Wow, Fish, I didn't know you even stayed up that late.

They showed a movie last night

where they made old people

into crackers and fed them to young people.

Hey, wow. I mean, it was just a movie.

Yeah, but the way they explained it,

it made a lot of sense.

It was depressing.

Paychecks.

Hey, we lucked out again.

Wojo. Harris.

Thank you.

Hey, Barney, you think you could okay a requisition

for a new typewriter ribbon?

You're out of luck. They turned me down for soap.

Wish I'd known that before.

But you got your paycheck.

Thanks. All I gotta do now

is find a place that'll cash it for me.

Don't press your luck.

Good morning.

How are you?

You all right?

Didn't sleep too good.

Nightmares.

I dreamt about children growing up

and getting their permanent teeth.

You gotta watch what you eat.

You're not kidding.

Funny, can't find a check for you.

Oh, it's gonna be a wonderful day.

I must have left it on my desk.

Hey, Fish, if they don't pay you,

don't do any typing, huh?

They gotta pay me.

The government is depending on me for support.

Maybe after they took their share,

there wasn't anything left for you.

Well, they usually give me a stub anyway.

I can't understand this, Fish. I can't find the check.

I'll have to call Payroll.

Let me do it.

I've had dealings with these people before.

You gotta be tough with them.

Scare 'em a little.

Oh, hello.

This is Sergeant Fish at the 12th Precinct.

He certainly scared me.

The coffee's a funny color.

It's maroon.

How did it get to be maroon?

It's the color spectrum.

You mix brown coffee with yellow water,

and you got maroon.

Why is it fizzing?

It's the air sneaking out of the cracks out of the cup.

I beg your pardon?

But that can't be.

I am Sergeant Phillip K. Fish.

But your records must be wrong.

Lady, who are you gonna listen to?

Me or your computer?

It doesn't look good.

You won't believe this, but according to their records,

I'm deceased.

It's... It's probably a mistake.

I wonder.

Uh, 12th Precinct, Detective Harris.

Yeah.

Where?

Okay, thank you.

Uh, Barney, it's the fire department.

They said there's a cuckoo in the park who's threatening

to jump off the Washington Arch.

Go over there and give them a hand.

Yeah, okay.

Hey, Chano. Do you want to join the sweet talk squad?

Why not, man?

You're gonna need all the charm you can get.

Oh, man. Come on. Right on.

I'm dead.

And I didn't even go out of the house all weekend.

You can't be dead.

There was nothing in the papers about you.

Yeah, Fish. It's the computers.

I mean, they assign a number to everybody,

and then they make a mistake.

Nobody ever misses a number.

Crackers, either.

Look in a box of crackers.

If one is missing, nobody notices.

Don't worry about it.

They'll straighten it out.

I don't like it here.

Will you stop being silly?

It's the police.

Come on.

I don't want to go through with it.

We...

This is enemy territory.

Don't be ridiculous. These are my friends.

Oh, hello, Marty.

What can we do for you today?

Captain, this is my friend, Darryl Driscoll.

Darryl, this is Captain Barney Miller.

How are you?

I feel threatened.

Darryl has a problem.

No kidding.

He's the one I was telling you about.

Captain, can we speak to you privately?

Step in my office.

Thank you. Come, Darryl.

Thank you very much, captain.

Oh, hey, Barn. Huh?

Listen, uh,

if you need any help in there, we'll be right here.

Thanks, Woj.

Knowing that I can face anything.

Whoa, those guys make me nervous.

Well, it takes all kinds to make a world.

That's why we're not all Chinese.

You know, if I really was dead,

I'd be worth just under $57,000.

I would have had that much if I'd had died

the day before I made my first bet.

You're practically a millionaire.

Well, that's counting life insurance, social security,

widow's pension.

But you're still alive.

Yeah. Tough luck.

Darryl was arrested the other day by a detective

from this precinct.

What charge?

Being unique.

Is that all?

He was coming out of the Velvet Den when he was busted.

Drunk?

No.

I was enthusiastic.

Well, anyway, captain,

he was never brought to the precinct

because he had to buy his way out

for $50.

Are you serious?

Are you accusing one of my men of extortion?

I told you he'd be angry. We'll never be seen again.

Look, Mr. Driscoll,

if you got hustled, I guarantee you

it was nobody from this precinct.

All I know is, he showed me his badge,

he said he was from this precinct,

and he gave me a choice.

Either pay through the nose or bleed through it.

And, God, I already have a deviated septum.

All right, uh, what did he look like?

He was ugly.

Tall ugly or short ugly?

When you're ugly, what's the difference?

He was a few inches shorter than I am.

About 5'11"?

No, about 6'3". I was wearing my platforms.

All right, obviously you were hustled, Mr. Driscoll.

But just to clear the air,

I want you to take a look at every man in this squad.

Come on outside.

Uh, 96, 97... Mm, okay.

Hold it, Wojo.

Mr. Driscoll, this is Detective Sergeant Wojciehowicz.

Have you ever seen him before?

I haven't had the pleasure.

What, uh...?

What's goin' on, Barn?

Just making a point. Nick.

Yeah.

Mr. Driscoll.

No, he wasn't Chinese.

Neither am I.

Fish. Yeah?

Fish, would you mind standing up and let, uh...

Letting Mr. Driscoll take a look at you?

Sure.

Doctor Driscoll, how are you?

He's not a doctor.

Then what does he want to take a look at me for?

Him, I would remember.

Was he black?

No.

Did he have an accent? No.

Okay, that takes care of Chano and Harris.

Wojo, some joker running around playing detective,

shaking down gay bars.

Check out the m.o. and see if you can come up with something.

All right, Barn. Mr. Driscoll,

I'm gonna show you pictures of all the personnel

attached to this precinct. Uniform and detectives.

I want you to go through them

and see if there is anybody you recognize.

Sit right here.

Oh, thank you.

I want all the personnel records.

I want Mr. Driscoll to go through them.

I'll be back in a few minutes.

You know, you know, you look exactly like Boris Karloff?

That's because we're both dead.

Okay, Chano, let's get him booked.

Really, I feel embarrassed.

This is terribly... Mr. Bucholtz,

there's no reason to feel embarrassed.

These are very emotional times we're living in.

Now empty your pockets.

But I wasn't going to jump, I tell you.

Then why did you climb up on top of the Washington Arch,

Mr. Bucholtz?

Because it's there.

What did he mean by that?

George Herbert Leigh Mallory.

He said that on the day he climbed Mount Everest.

He went up and never came down.

No kidding? Yeah.

Sheesh! See that, Mr. Bucholtz? See how lucky you are?

Come over here. Have a seat. Come on, have a seat.

Nobody's gonna hurt you. We're gonna book you

and then you go to Bellevue Hospital.

Bellevue? Yeah.

What for?

Because it's there.

Driscoll, take your time, go through these

and if anyone looks familiar to you, let me know.

Oh, I hope it doesn't take too long.

I have a lecture at noon.

Oh, you go to school?

No. I'm having lunch with my mother.

I need an hour off.

Personnel says they can't give me my check

till I come downtown.

Okay. Go ahead.

I... I have to prove I'm alive,

And that's not gonna be easy.

Hey, uh, Barney?

We've got a Mr. Arthur Bucholtz

who, uh, demands to speak to someone who is in authority.

Is this the attempted suicide in the park?

Yeah. He says it's all a complete misunderstanding.

He never intended to jump.

What was he doing up on top of Washington Arch?

I don't know.

Maybe he was trying to get even with the pigeons.

Mr. Bucholtz, uh,

you wanted to talk to me. I'm Captain Miller.

Captain. Yes, yes. I'm...

I'm terribly sorry to trouble you at all,

but this is all so unnecessary.

Couldn't we just forget that it all happened?

I'm afraid we can't do that, Mr. Bucholtz.

You see, regardless of your intention,

what you did was against the law.

Uh, address please, Mr. Bucholtz?

Uh, Gramercy Apartments. 212 West 11th.

Now, those are very nice apartments.

Captain. Captain, really, there is no necessity

to send me to the hospital.

Have you contacted your family yet?

I don't have a family.

You're not married?

No. No, I'm divorced.

Oh. That's a shame.

It's amicable. We're very good friends.

You live alone, Mr. Bucholtz?

Of course I live alone! What do you think I am?

Mr. Bucholtz, we're gonna try

to make this as painless as possible.

You get one phone call.

First we're going to take you downstairs, photograph you,

fingerprint you. Won't hurt you a bit.

Please, can I have a drink of water?

Sure, right behind you. There's a water fountain.

Chano. Yeah.

Take it easy on him. Sure, Barney.

Have you called Bellevue yet?

Yeah, just called them.

Yeah, everything's taken care of.

Hey, hey, wait!

Harris. We'll get him, Barney.

Kogan. Kogan, we got a suspect running loose in the building.

Back stairs. Right.

That guy's some fruitcake, huh?

No offense.

Listen and don't try that again. It's very foolish.

I feel very embarrassed. Really, I'm...

Maybe you wouldn't feel so embarrassed if you'd stay

in one place for a few minutes. How about that.

It was just a momentary outbreak of panic. What's the fuss?

Look, you are not walking out of a coffee shop.

This is a police station.

And we've got the coffee to prove it.

Mr. Bucholtz, for your own self-protection,

we're gonna have to, uh, restrict your movements.

Harris, let's put him in the cage.

No, I promise, I won't go away again.

Come on, it'll be better all the way around. Come on.

Hey, uh, Barney, uh, we...

Man... Manhattan...

Manhattan South is checking out the hustler.

Good.

We got anything in our file on it?

Uh, I-I'll check it out.

Uh, Barn, how do you...?

How do you think guys get like that?

Who knows? Could be anything.

Some small psychological phenomenon

that's ticked off by anything.

Diet?

It's possible.

I try to keep a good eye on my starches.

You worried?

Me? No!

Well, um, every once in a while,

I sort of wonder.

Don't you?

No.

Oh, I guess... I guess that's one of the things

I admire about you, Barn.

Has anybody got a cigarette?

I do.

May I, captain?

Go right ahead.

Thanks.

Don't mention it.

It's none of my business, Mr. Bucholtz,

but take it from someone who knows.

Suicide is not the answer.

Oh, I wasn't going to jump.

I was just looking around.

I know. I've seen that view myself.

We all have, uh, different problems.

I wanted to be John Wayne until I was 17.

And then one day I didn't anymore.

I just wanted to die.

What made you change your mind?

Well, I was standing on the railing of the Brooklyn Bridge,

and this car came by and they had their radio on

and Doris Day was singing, "Qué Será Será,"

and I thought, "You know, she's right."

There's nothing wrong with me.

I'm a perfectly normal man.

Well, if you want to settle for that,

it's all right by me.

Barney,

the guys from Bellevue are here to pick up Bucholtz.

Uh, Harris. Yeah, Barney.

Get him ready. Okay.

Hey, Barn,

I got some make sheets here on guys

who have a history of, uh, beatin' up the opposite sex.

Are you referring to women?

No, no, I'm... I'm talking about those guys.

They're not the opposite sex, Wojo.

Well, they are so for of me.

Aren't they?

I don't care. It's none of my business.

Wojo, they prefer to be called gay.

Yeah, yeah. I know what they prefer. It's...

I just have, uh, trouble sayin' it.

Okay, come on, Mr. Bucholtz.

Where are you taking me?

Look, don't worry, Mr. Bucholtz,

nobody's going hurt you, okay?

But I want to know where I'm going.

Look, it's gonna be okay.

You, uh...?

You got a customer for Bellevue?

A guy named Bucholtz?

Oh, my God!

All right, now. Come on, buddy.

We're just gonna take a little ride!

Take it easy, take it easy.

Take it easy, Mr. Bucholtz.

These men are just coming to take you down

to see a doctor at a hospital. They just want to talk to you.

I don't have to go there. We could talk on the phone.

You don't wanna do that to the nice doctor.

You'll hurt his feelings.

Now, don't come near me!

I swear, I'll jump!

Jump where?

It's just an expression.

I won't be taken out of here tied up like an animal.

Mr. Bucholtz, we're trying to help you.

But I'm fine.

Please, don't you understand? I'm fine.

If you people would please just leave me alone.

Please, I'd be fine.

Mr. Bucholtz?

Mr. Bucholtz?

Go get him, Al, huh?

Wait a minute, I just explained everything downtown.

They're from Bellevue for Mr. Bucholtz.

Oh.

For a moment I thought it was IRS.

Mr. Bucholtz.

Mr. Bucholtz, you're behaving very badly.

Tell those men that there is no need for that jacket!

There's nothing wrong with me!

Yeah, Mr. Bucholtz, what you say...

What you say would carry a lot more weight

if you weren't saying it from under a desk.

Where's Captain Miller?

He's talkin' to the guy under the desk.

Oh, my God! That's the man!

What? That's the guy that did the hustle?

Yes, I told you he was ugly.

You were being kind.

Barney. Barney, you should come and see this guy.

Don't disturb Mr. Bucholtz.

Can I help you? I'm, uh, Captain Miller.

Sergeant Forbes, Manhattan South. Right.

We got a call from here about a gay hustle. Yeah.

I think we've got a positive ID.

Oh, that's him.

Oh, yes. Yes. No question about it!

Where'd you pick him up?

Outside of Gogies.

The, uh, gay bar on 2nd Avenue?

That's right.

I just walked out and he grabbed me.

He thought you were gay?

A detective sergeant in a New York police force?

Qué será será.

Hey, captain, uh, could I use your witness for this collar?

Yes, certainly. Certainly. Uh, Mr. Driscoll,

would you go with Sergeant Forbes?

It would be my pleasure.

I told you they were human.

Uh...

Forgive me, Mr. Bucholtz. Something came up.

I understand, captain.

You know, Mr. Bucholtz, I'm not an expert on these matters,

but it appears to me you're...

You're not really getting any answers under there.

So what would you suggest we do?

What I suggest?

Yeah.

I suggest that I be allowed to walk out of here

with some dignity.

Now that makes sense.

Thank you.

You can put that way, Mr. Bucholtz doesn't need that.

Goodbye, gentlemen.

Thank you for your consideration.

I'm a very sick man, but I've got a lot of class.

Man.

You know, that dude is really in bad shape.

I-I wonder what finally shook him loose.

It's probably gambling.

No, man. Money doesn't do that.

It's injustice that drives a man insane.

Ah, he's just getting old.

Yeah, and out of shape.

No, man, it's more complicated than that.

Don't you think, Barney?

Sure.

Fear, guilt.

The man's beating himself for something he did.

"Whom the gods would destroy they first make mad."

Ah.

That's beautiful.

Who, uh...? W-Who said that?

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

Harris, how do you know all these things?

Man, when I was a kid, I stole books.

Oh, oh. Hey.

Yeah?

All the guys are checked out, Barn. See you tomorrow.

Okay. Woj, before you go,

Sergeant Forbes over at Manhattan South called.

He wants you to meet him down at headquarters.

Something about that extortion case.

Um...

I don't have to go, do I, Barn?

Sure, you have to go.

We're expected to cooperate

with all divisions of the department.

Yeah, but, uh... But Forbes, uh...

Don't jump to any conclusions, Wojo.

Yeah, yeah. Well...

Y-You suppose there's any, uh, you know,

funny cops in the department?

You mean cops with a sense of humor?

You know what I mean, Barn.

I mean cops that are g-gay.

Wojo, I wouldn't have the slightest idea.

Boy, you'd think guys

would find something better to do in their spare time.

You, uh...

You are gonna stop by at Manhattan South

on your way home, huh?

Yeah, but I ain't stayin' long.

You know, uh...

I sure am glad God gave me an interest in bowling.