Original subtitles

Hey, Fish, you want some?

No thanks. What is it?

Oh, nuts, raisins, dates. Great stuff, man.

Oh. No thanks. I don't want to louse-up my body chemistry.

Want a prune?

No, thanks.

How many of those do you eat a day?

Enough.

I never ate a prune in my life.

You're not a well-rounded person.

I've been eating prunes for 40 years.

When I was 13, I gave a girl a necklace of prune pits.

Her mother thought I was in voodoo.

Stand over here.

You make it easy on us, we'll make it easy on you.

We need a little information and then you get

one phone call, understand?

I understand. Sit down!

Okay, here's the story.

I'm in a market buying cream to go for the coffee over here,

you know? The theater next door gets ripped off.

Cashier's screamin', "Police! Police!"

So I tear out of the market

and I go over there and I immediately determine

that the suspect has robbed the theater and made a getaway,

so I go to the nearest phone

and report a 1032.

I look across the street, I see a guy standing there

very uncomfortable. You know, suspicious?

He sees me, he takes off into an alley between the two buildings.

You had a busy morning. So

I drop... What? Oh, no, no. Go ahead.

Right. So I drop the phone,

I grab my piece, I run across the street, I go, "Hey, hey!

Police. Stop right there! Freeze!"

He says, "Hey, don't shoot. I give up." Right?

What were you doing there, Lenny?

I live there.

Go on, Wentworth.

What?

What does he mean, "What are you doing there, Lenny?"

What does he mean, "I live... "?

What do you mean, "Go on, Wentworth"?

Move on with the story. You arrested Mr. Kelso and...?

Wait. How do you know his name is Mr. Kelso?

Leonard Kelso.

He's, uh, well-known to the New York Police Department.

Oh, yeah. He's a repeater, eh?

Oh. Among his crimes were the, uh,

Brinks armored car robbery in Massachusetts,

the Getty kidnapping,

the, uh, murder of Albert Anastasia,

the sinking of the Andrea Doria.

Leonard B. Kelso, alias B. L. Kelso,

alias Lenny the Confessor.

Twenty-four confessions, no convictions.

You didn't rob that theater, did you?

Yes, I did. I give you my word.

How much...? How much did you get?

Two hundred and sixty-eight dollars.

Wrong! Three hundred and twelve?

You know what you are?

Wentworth.

You're a...

That's what you are!

Did... Ahem.

Did you, um...

Did you get any other descriptions or details?

I didn't have to, did I, captain?

I had the guy that did it.

Okay. Will you write up a misdemeanor here on Lenny,

and, uh, then you go back and check out the theater, huh?

While you're out, pick up some cream for the coffee.

Twelfth Precinct, Fish.

Yes, ma'am.

Ah. We'll... We'll have someone come over right away.

Barney.

Yeah.

That was the assistant manager of the Hotel Greenwich.

Oh no.

There's been another robbery in one of the rooms.

Do you realize that's six robberies in that one hotel

in the last four days?

Somebody must be warming up for the Democratic Convention.

Eh, Chano, you and Fish check it out.

Right, Barney. You ready to go, Fish?

Yeah,

but business before pleasure.

Okay, Miss Hartstone.

Now, we want you to think very carefully about the man

who robbed the theater, right?

You're going to be looking at pictures

of men with criminal records.

We call them mug shots,

and they are in a book which we call a mug shot book.

Now, your job will be to very carefully scrutinize

each picture in an attempt to identify the aforementioned man.

We appreciate very much you doing this

because we know it's a very difficult job

because it's very big book, and it is the first book.

What's so funny?

Uh, nothing. Huh?

Oh, y... I just get a kick out of the way you work,

you know?

Heh. Heh.

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, hey. It means I like your style.

You know, the way you're always hustlin' around,

getting everything down.

Catching all the details. Moving in and out.

Thanks.

Boy, you sure know how to take a compliment,

don't you?

Not when it's hiding an insult.

It was no insult.

Hey, if I want to insult ya,

I'll make some sarcastic remark about your hair.

Wojo, as soon as you finish, I've got some business for you.

You too, Wentworth.

Sir.

I'm telling you, Fish. You eat funny foods.

That's why you get sick to your stomach.

It's my eyes.

I got sick because I can't read in a moving vehicle.

No, it's your ears.

Yeah, uh, all your balance is up in your ears.

You had 'em, uh, cleaned out lately?

Get away from me.

What's going on?

No. It's Fish. He's sick to his stomach

because he eats funny foods.

Hey, are you all right?

Yeah, I'm all right.

What happened at the hotel?

We interviewed a Mr. and Mrs. Armbruster of Dayton, Ohio.

A very professional job, Barney, just like all the others.

The Armbrusters slept right through it.

They didn't hear anything, didn't see anything.

Good for them, bad for us. What about hotel security?

Heh. Well, we talked to, uh, Huntsinger.

He's the chief, you know.

He can't come up with anything.

Also, he's afraid of losing his job.

Okay, send out a flier on the stolen property.

Right, Barney. You know, it's a real shame.

I mean, a person can't go to a hotel anymore

without getting robbed.

That's true. Three dollars for valet parking.

I gave the kid a quarter and he looked at me

like I spit in his hand.

Chano, check out petty cash for me, will ya?

Right, Barney.

Wojo, Wentworth?

Wentworth. Sir.

I want to set up a stake out.

Go down to Manhattan, uh, South Properties.

Then I want you to go over to the Hotel Greenwich

and check in as husband and wife. You got that?

Yes, sir, yeah. Sure, sure, Barn.

All right. Now, you're supposed to be affluent.

So don't be afraid to spread some money around.

Here it is, Barney.

Twelve dollars and 13 cents.

Oh, and, uh, two IOUs from Yemana.

Charge everything.

Think I have time to get my hair done?

Boy, you never let up, do you?

My, my, it's good to be back in the States, isn't it?

Yeah. Greatest country in the world.

Have you just come back from the continent?

Yeah, uh, we, uh, just came back from all of 'em.

We have valet service from 8 to 10,

and, oh, uh, room service ends at midnight.

Oh, is that right.

Well, I'll just go out and get your luggage, Mister, uh,

Wojnowitz?

Wojciehowicz.

You say it just the way it's spelled.

Wojciehowicz.

Yes, sir.

Oh, hello, room service?

This is Mrs. Wojnowitz in 633.

We'd like to order dinner.

We'd like two shrimp cocktails,

uh, two sirloin steaks, medium rare,

two caesar salads and we'll have a bottle of champagne.

Oh, whatever you have that's amusing.

Thank you.

Say, uh, bellhop.

How many, uh, rooms on this floor?

Oh, about 35 or 40.

Oh, but you've got a lot of privacy here.

It's an old hotel. The walls are two feet thick.

Why, you could do anything you wanted in this room

and no one would ever know it.

Yeah, well, uh,

I don't think we'll be doing anything special.

Well, "Chacun a son goût," sir.

Uh, right, same to you.

Oh, thank you, sir.

I gave him five bucks, he didn't even blink.

Heh. It's inflation.

You used to be able to get a good blink for two bucks.

Not anymore.

Pretty fancy here, huh?

Yeah.

It's a nice change.

Well, uh, that's why I like being a cop, you know?

You get to do stuff like this once in a while.

This reminds me of a place my parents took me to

in Atlantic City when I was a kid.

That right.

Yeah.

My old man never took us on a vacation.

He didn't believe in them.

Thought they were slothful.

He used to have us all working on Easter Sunday.

He'd say, uh, "If the Lord can get up and move a rock,

so can you."

Hey, how much do you think that...?

How much do you think that meal cost?

Plenty.

It's a good thing we're working,

I would never be able to afford to take you

to a nice place like this.

Women don't take me places.

Hey, look, I go to a hotel with a woman, I take her.

She don't take me.

Okay.

You make it sound like a tug of war.

Oh, yeah, so maybe I'm old-fashioned.

"Chacun a son goût."

Great. That's what the bellhop said.

That's right, he ought to know.

It's French for "Whatever turns you on."

Thought it had something to do with your health.

It does.

Look, uh,

I guess... I guess we ought to go downstairs

and check out the hotel.

I think we ought to unpack

and make it look like we belong here.

Yeah, right.

Uh, is that what you sleep in?

Yeah.

What do you think, should I put this under my pillow?

I would, if you're gonna sleep in that.

That's the nicest thing you ever said to me.

Oh, yeah, well, you're all right.

You're not so bad yourself.

Guess either one of us could have ended up with Fish, huh?

What do you think?

It's not room service sounding like that.

No, no, no. Wait, wait. We'll blow our cover.

Okay. So, what do we do?

Just... Just act natural.

Oopsy-doodle.

I w... W... I thought the room was empty.

Excuse me if I interrupted.

Not that I saw anything.

Well. Have a nice night.

Yeah, okay, I'll tell him.

Hey, Barney.

Huh? That was Kogen.

You know the security guy from the hotel, Huntsinger?

He's on his way up with a suspect.

Huntsinger? Yeah.

What happened to Wentworth and Wojo?

Your guess is as good as mine.

Call the hotel, find them.

Right, Barney.

Get in there, punk.

You know, you don't have to shove.

Shut it up, you're in enough trouble already.

For what? We didn't do anything.

Wait, wait. I'm Captain Miller, Mr. Huntsinger.

What's...? What is it?

Third-degree rape.

Caught him in the hotel with a 17-year-old broad.

Do not call her a broad. Her name is Shirley Webster,

and she lives at 713 West 24th Street.

And we're engaged.

They registered as Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

You got no imagination, kid.

What's your name?

Howard Smith.

Okay, so his name's Smith.

He was still shacking up with a minor.

We weren't shacking up.

We had a, uh, rendezvous.

Where's the girl?

I turned her over to the Youth Authority.

Look, we've been going together for over a year.

Now, we both live at home and we both go to school,

so we're not Mr. and Mrs. Smith yet,

but we will be.

And we love each other.

We... We just wanted a little privacy.

What's the matter with the back seat of a car?

Mr. Huntsinger.

Charlie.

Mr. Huntsinger, what do really got on 'em?

They registered, didn't they?

Yeah, but we didn't do anything.

Shut up.

I let myself into the room adjoining theirs.

I watched them through the door.

You know, Mr. Huntsinger?

What you do for a living, we arrest people for that.

Yeah, he came busting into the room.

Then the punk threw something at me.

It was my wallet.

I thought that's what he wanted.

Have you ever been arrested before?

Never.

Mr. Huntsinger, can I speak to you in my office?

Fish, run a check on the kid and give me a preliminary report.

Hey, make sure my name is on that report.

Uh, I can appreciate

the pressures you're under, Charlie.

Tell me about it.

Six robberies in four days.

I can't come up with one solid lead.

We've got the same problem.

Yeah, but you don't have to deal with my management.

If I know them, they'll blame it on my drinking.

Drinking on the job?

I do now.

Look, uh, Charlie,

you don't really want to hang that kid out there, do you?

Well, is it okay with you, what they done?

Oh, of course not.

Of course not. It's not okay with...

I got a 17-year-old daughter myself.

Who I hope has enough sense to stay out of hotels.

Particularly yours.

I'm talking about the punishment fitting the crime.

Hey, I'm no judge. Neither are you.

Third-degree rape. That's pretty rough.

Come on. Don't give me that.

You know the law, so do I.

I was a cop too once, like you.

Nineteen years, till they pulled the rug out from under me.

What happened?

Nothin'.

Well. A little of this, a little of that.

Nothin' that everybody else wasn't doin'.

Baby, if I had wanted to spill my guts to the Knapp Commission,

that movie would have been called, Huntsinger,

not Serpico.

Yeah?

Barney, Wojo and Wentworth are back from the hotel.

They got a collar.

We caught her, Barney, red-handed.

No wonder the city is broke.

Cops living in such a fancy hotel.

Hey, that's Wilson, one of our maids.

No more I ain't. I quit.

Wait till you hear this.

You wanna tell him or you want me to?

Well, if I...

We left our room, pretending to go downstairs

to the bar for a drink.

Ha-ha. We went one floor, got off, walked up the stairs

to stake out the hall.

So we see her going into our room. Into the room.

And wait till you see what she does.

Wallets, necklaces, watches, rings.

An ash tray?

Well, everybody takes those.

Yeah. That's the way she works, Barn.

She goes into a room, she puts all the stuff into the bag,

you know? And then she just splits.

Well, you really have been cleaning up.

Heh-heh-heh-heh.

Book her, Wentworth.

Well, the ironical part is

that I got into this business in the first place

because I hated housework.

Got anything yet on him, Fish?

All right, now look, Howard, we're checking up

on everything you told us and if it's the truth,

I'm going to try and get a break for you.

But look, if you're going to play the game,

at least learn the rules.

In addition to all those other normal instincts

you're expressing, leave a little room for discretion.

You're going to wind up behind bars.

Listen to what the captain says, son.

I wish someone had threatened me when I was young.

Where do you go to school?

Julliard.

Julliard?

I got a daughter that goes to Julliard.

No kidding?

Rachael Miller. You happen to know her?

No, sir.

Thanks. I appreciate it.

Huntsinger?

Huntsinger, I want to make a deal.

What kind of a deal?

The kid for the maid.

Why do you want the short end?

You got children?

No. I got a cat.

Huntsinger, take the deal. The hotel will kiss you for it.

That maid's not your collar.

Those two are not gonna give her up.

I have a very good relationship with my people.

What do you say, we got a deal?

It's a deal.

Wojo, Wentworth, can I talk to you in my office?

Sure. No problem.

Excuse me.

I want you to give up your collar.

Hey. No. No. Wh...?

I'm going to give it to Huntsinger,

the head of security at the hotel.

What for? What are you kidding?

For dropping a third-degree rape charge

against that kid out there.

You wanna drop a ra...? I don't believe it.

It's not what it sounds like.

Huntsinger is afraid of losing his job,

and he's leaning heavy on the kid.

Hey, wait a minute. I don't understand, Barn.

You never been for swapping collars before.

Wojo.

Wojo, two kids in love, they check into a hotel.

It's illegal, yes. Stupid, right.

But, come on. Huntsinger's pushing the maximum.

Hey, just for a minute,

try to imagine how those kids felt.

Put yourselves in their position.

Well, uh,

sure wish you wouldn't put it like that, Barn.

Come on, what do you say?

Listen, a collar's a collar.

And a rose is a rose,

and, uh, tomorrow's another day,

and, oh, what the hell.

Miss, uh, Hartstone, heh,

I don't know about you,

but the rest of us are going home.

Now, I don't want you to feel we don't appreciate

what you've been doing here.

But, uh, why don't you come on back in the morning

and you can finish up with the books, huh?

Here's a list of four men.

One of them might be the holdup man.

Ah. What about these other guys?

You've got about 16 names here.

Oh, they're all sex offenders.

Do you recognize any of them?

No. Just doodling.

Oh.

Okay, where are you?

All right. You just hold on,

and we'll have somebody there in a couple of minutes.

I know. Just hold on.

Captain? Huh?

Some lady just called from a booth over on 11th.

Some wacko just snatched her purse and her dog.

A poodle about that big, she s...

Probably thought it was a muff.

Send a patrol car.

Excuse me, may I speak with someone?

Come on in, Mr. Kelso.

You see, Wojo, sooner or later in this game of life,

a man gets tired of being a spectator.

Sit down, Lenny.