Original subtitles

Hi, guys.

You're late.

I couldn't help it.

I'm doing your filing.

I don't like to do filing when it's my filing.

When it's your filing, I hate it.

I'm sorry.

Heh. It's all right.

Hey, Fish.

A penny for your thoughts.

Save your money.

Hey, uh... Hey, Chano.

Huh? What's with Fish?

Oh, he's depressed.

'Cause I'm late?

No,

because he says he's been on the force for 25 years

and he feels he hasn't got anything to show for it.

That's crazy.

I know.

Hey, you know, Fish, I really envy you.

I mean, you got a steady job,

you got a nice retirement plan, and, uh...

And you got a wife who's always gonna be there.

You're vicious, you know that?

Morning, Harris. Sorry I'm late.

It's okay with me, man.

You know, Harris, you're amazing,

the way you can sit there and type

without even looking at your fingers.

Ah, it's simply a matter of mind control.

Yeah?

You can carry on a conversation too, huh?

Ah, you see, one section of my brain is typing out

this very simple routine arrest report.

Yeah.

The rest of it's talking to you.

Yeah,

but you make it seem like a snap.

"It's okay with me, man.

It's simply a matter of mind control.

One section of..."

Oh, Wojo.

Wonderful to see you again.

Oh, yeah, uh, I overslept a little.

Didn't your alarm go off?

Yeah, it went off.

But I was in a different borough at the time.

Twelfth Precinct detectives. Sergeant Amenguale speaking.

Oh, Lexington Avenue?

Okay, 23rd Street station.

Good. Okay, we'll be right over.

What's going down? Somebody shooting up

the Lexington Avenue subway.

Wojo, as long as you're up...

I was just in the Lexington Avenue subway.

Five minutes earlier, and I'd have been there already.

As a matter of fact, if I'd been five minutes later,

I'd be there right now.

Timing is everything.

Barney, have I ever told you

that you should be proud of yourself?

Listen, I appreciate it.

Whatever it was you had in mind.

You know,

I like it when it's all peaceful and quiet like this.

If you listen real careful,

you can almost hear a stream

trickling down a mountainside.

I forgot to jiggle the toilet.

I'll type it up, Wojo.

Hold it right there.

I'm not sorry I did it.

I suppose they go easier on you when you're sorry, but I'm not.

Mr. Lindquist, do you want to hang around here for a minute?

I'll take your statement.

Be right back.

I have never seen anything like it in my life.

Like what?

He shot a candy machine in the subway.

To death.

It deserved it.

You know, the thing is, Fish,

I kind of understand what he did.

You know, that frustration?

You can't go around shooting things that frustrate you.

A man would wind up alone.

All right, Mr. Lindquist,

we're gonna need your full name, please.

Lindquist, comma, Francis Mark.

Thank you, Mr. Lindquist,

we should zip right through this, huh?

Uh, Harris, Hm?

Take a run over to the 24th Street fire station.

It's Engine Company 51.

Oh. Beautiful. It's almost lunch time.

They do some fine cookin' over there.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

Occasionally they burn something.

They've had six fires in the last four days.

All suspicious origin.

Take Wojo with you. Okay.

Don't I have time for a cup of coffee?

You would have, if you hadn't been late.

Doesn't make any sense.

I was late this morning.

I'm not late now.

Logic is on your side,

but the captain ain't.

Follow me, please.

Another day, another dollar, hm?

Exactly what I've saved:

$30 a month for 25 years.

Shows a certain amount of self-discipline.

I could have been a millionaire.

Twenty-five years ago,

my brother asked me to go in with him

and manufacture Excelsior.

I said, "Who needs it?"

I found out everybody did.

Now he's netting 40,000 a year,

and I get nauseous every time I open a box of anything.

You can't look backwards, Fish.

Onwards and upwards, huh?

Speaking of Excelsior.

Three days a week, I put 20 cents into that machine

and I can count the number of Butterfingers

I've gotten out of it on one hand.

I reported it to the company.

All I got was lip service.

Mr. Lindquist, if the machine kept cheating you,

why didn't you go someplace else?

Principle.

I wanted that machine to give me a Butterfinger.

It wouldn't, so... So you shot it.

Oh, I even gave it another chance.

I put in 20 cents and I got back zip.

Mm. No Butterfinger.

So I let it have six right in the coin slot.

It was like doing all the things I ever wanted to do

but didn't have the guts.

Yes, yes, I know, Mr. Lindquist,

we all have dreams of glory.

Like not tipping a waiter.

You know, that's my favorite. Yeah.

You got a lawyer?

My cousin Louis.

Well, you better call him up, huh?

I like him but he doesn't like me.

Come to think of it, I don't like him, either.

I like his wife.

Barney, I'm charging Mr. Lindquist here

with firing a gun in public,

for his criminal possession of a firearm, and, uh...

I don't know how to write up the rest of this.

Have, uh, assault with a deadly weapon?

He shot a candy machine, Barney.

Frustration.

A candy machine? Yeah.

Now, that man could be in a lot of trouble.

See, if it was a cigarette machine...

Ah.

You know, I'm gonna let them figure this out downtown.

Mr. Lindquist, you finished with your phone call?

My cousin Louis wasn't there,

but I left a message on his recorder.

Uh-huh. Well, we gotta take you downstairs,

fingerprints and photographs, okay?

Those message recorders are intimidating.

You know, I said everything I had to say,

I still had 22 seconds left.

I was afraid to hang up,

because Louis is a bully.

Ah, Mr. Lindquist,

you really do hate machinery, don't you?

Passionately.

There's a stamp machine on Sixth Avenue

I'd like to put a contract out on.

You know, as far as I'm concerned,

you can just file that in the garbage.

This was made up with scientific precision.

I mean, composite sketches can be a very useful tool.

Harris, look at it.

It's a picture of Woody Allen.

Well, I'm gonna check out Woody's movements yesterday.

Oh, good, any luck?

Well, we talked to the guys from the fire station.

We also talked to a witness.

Oh, good.

Not much of a witness, Barn.

She's a hooker.

Hookers have been known to see.

We took her downtown.

The police artist made up this sketch.

That's a very interesting face.

Woody Allen, right?

Looks more like a young Albert Einstein.

Oh, don't worry.

I'll check him out too.

Hello, Fish.

Kotterman. Again?

Again.

What did they take this time?

Two hundred and fourteen dollars in cash

and three bottles of Scotch.

Thank God they were on special.

You got coffee?

Help yourself.

Hello, boys.

Hello, Mr. Kotterman.

Again? Like clockwork.

I've checked out all our files,

and all our local arsonists are accounted for.

State prisons, federal prisons, burn wards.

I don't think this guy's gonna be in our files anyway.

Oh, Harris has got another theory.

Sherlock Holmes.

I mean, psychology is a very important part

of modern criminology.

Wojo, hold off your rebuttal till later.

I mean, this guy doesn't set fires for money.

I mean, he just likes to set fires.

A pyromaniac.

Yeah.

What's the difference what he's called?

I'm just trying to get inside this dude's head.

Fire is a symbol of total emotion.

You show me a dude who loves fires,

and I'll show you a guy who is sexually frustrated

and socially inadequate.

You can file that in the garbage too.

Wojo.

Heck, Barney, I like fires.

I sit in the wintertime

and watch the fire all night long just dancing.

It's exciting.

Doesn't mean I'm... I'm socially frustrated

or sexually inadequate.

You got that backwards.

What's the difference?

Actually, not that much.

This guy's just another hoodlum.

You know, he's using fire instead of throwing rocks.

Oh, you got a firebug, huh?

Yeah.

Thank God I was only held up at pistol point.

We're very sorry to hear that, Mr. Kotterman.

Well, listen, it's my own fault.

I didn't have to own a liquor store on 11th Street.

I could have been a shepherd living in Montana

where the deer and the antelope play.

But no, I had a sense of duty to my fellow man.

I wanted to bring him his daily needs.

I'm sure everyone appreciates your attitude.

Well, let me tell you, I learned one thing.

Bread cast upon the water

gets soggy and it sinks.

Kotterman, I need details.

Three kids with a gun came in and said "Stick 'em up."

That's all they said?

There was nothing to discuss,

it was perfectly clear.

What do they look like?

The same.

The same as what?

The same as always.

I've been robbed so many times they all look like friends.

All right, uh, Wojciehowicz, if you have no objections,

we're gonna use Harris' analysis as a jumping-off point.

Let's make copies of this thing

and circulate it in the neighborhood.

Right. Where?

I would suggest porno theatres and bookshops.

I mean, there's a supermarket of erotica

on 10th Street for your one-stop shopping.

And check the local bars

and the massage parlors.

Only don't get too wrapped up in your work.

Yeech.

You get some copies made and I'll make out the itinerary.

All right.

Twelfth Precinct, Harris.

Yeah.

Where?

Uh, we got another fire.

Yeah, thank you very much. We'll be right over.

Burlesque theatre,

started in one of the dressing rooms.

Very good, very good.

Kid stuff.

Lucky coincidence.

Get on it.

Wojo?

You drive this time.

I want to look out the window.

Tell the truth, do you think I'll like it in prison?

Not if they put you in the machine shop.

Oh, that would be hell, wouldn't it?

Look, I wouldn't worry too much, Mr. Lindquist.

You're a first offender.

Is your cousin a good lawyer?

No.

But his wife has great legs.

Well, the judge

will probably take your record into consideration.

You'll probably get probation if you promise not to do

that kind of thing again.

Look, that depends on the new machine.

Mr. Lindquist,

your attorney is downstairs arranging bail.

He was delayed because of an accident on the way.

Oh, Louis loves accidents.

He'll go to see as many as he can.

That's how he gets most of his clients.

Barney, lunch.

Why did she marry him?

With legs like that, she could have anyone.

Lindquist.

Chicken on white, mayonnaise, right?

Yeah, thanks, how much do I owe you?

Do I offer money when I'm at your house?

No. Sorry.

Twelfth Precinct, Sergeant Amenguale speaking.

Thanks.

Oh, yeah?

Great.

Yeah, thanks a lot.

Hey, Barney,

that was the dispatcher with some good news for a change.

Seems Wojo and Harris are bringing in a suspect

for that burlesque fire. Anybody hurt?

No, nobody was in the theatre.

Box office opens at 6:30.

Interesting. A firebug with a conscience.

I'm Louis Lindquist,

attorney for Francis Lindquist.

Mr. Lindquist.

Here, I've got his release papers

and his bail ticket.

Chano. Yep.

Francis, for God's sake!

What's the matter with you?

Shooting up a subway.

What were you, drunk or something?

When are you ever gonna grow up?

The world doesn't owe you anything, you know.

I realize there are things that I can't have, Louis.

However, I paid for that candy bar.

You got a lot of principle, Francis. Yes.

Who was it that said,

"A little principle in the wrong hands is a dangerous thing?"

I think it was Allen Ludden.

Mr. Lindquist.

These are in order. I need your signature.

Thanks.

You know, I'm not making a penny out of this.

Mr. Lindquist, step outside, please,

move down there.

I want to check your valuables, if you don't mind.

Oh, thank you.

Okay, come on.

You people are making a dreadful mistake.

If so, we will apologize, Mr. Forman.

Not a bad match, huh, Barney?

Pretty good, pretty good.

We spotted him watching the fire.

Watching fires is an American tradition.

And then we chased him into the porno theatre.

Another American tradition, I'm afraid.

I swear, as God as my witness,

I had nothing to do with that fire.

Yeah, then how come you were running?

Because you were chasing me.

That's 'cause you were running. Oh.

Wojo, this is a matter of perspective.

Check him out at BCI.

Right, Barney.

Sit down, Mr. Forman.

Excuse me, officer.

What has the young man alleged to have done?

He's being held on suspicion of arson.

Oh.

Lindquist is the name, Mr., uh...?

Forman. Edwin Forman.

Mr. Forman, I'm an attorney.

Now, if I can be of any assistance to you,

just call me at that number,

anytime, day or night.

If I'm not there, my wife will take a message.

Her name's Sharon.

And she has great legs.

And I bet they match.

All right, Francis.

You're on your own again.

Now, go on out there and conform, will ya?

I'll try, Louis.

And I can't give you a lift. I'm meeting a client.

Oh, that's okay. I'll take the subway.

And if you get shafted by another machine?

I'll remember what you told me.

Right. You don't break the law, Francis.

You find a way to take it out on somebody else.

Well, I'll certainly give her a call.

We've had seven incidents

of suspected arson, Mr. Forman.

I'm gonna ask you to account for your whereabouts

on each one of those occasions.

I was at home.

I haven't given you the dates yet.

I'm home most of the time.

I take care of my mother.

Your mother ill?

I don't think so, but she does.

What were you doing at a burlesque house?

Every so often I have to remind myself

there are other kinds of women in the world.

Hey, Barn.

Mr. Forman's got no prior record.

No arrests, nothing.

I told you that.

But, uh, he's got one minor violation

for improper storage of gasoline

in the trunk of his car.

Can I get you some water?

It's a little late for that.

Mr. Forman been advised of his rights?

Yes, he has, Barney.

Okay, you got one phone call, Mr. Forman.

As God as my witness,

they're driving me into the sea!

What happened this time, Mr. Kotterman?

They spray painted filth

all over the side of my store.

Young kids.

I'm not gonna tell what they said

because it's disgusting.

It isn't even funny.

You want to fill out a complaint, Mr. Kotterman?

No, save your paper.

I just thought I would come in and keep you informed.

Thank you, Mr. Kotterman,

a little whitewash helps us do our job.

Certainly. I can handle it myself.

Listen, I've been fighting this city for 40 years.

I've been robbed at night,

robbed in the daytime.

I've been vandalized, terrorized,

my garbage has been pushed into the street.

The only thing that hasn't happened to me so far

is that I haven't been burned

down to the ground.

Burned.

With my luck, it's gonna happen,

I can feel it in my bones.

Mark my words, it's gonna happen.

Mr. Kotterman...

Listen, if there's one thing I trust,

it's my instincts.

You know that arsonist that's been running around town?

With my kind of luck he's gonna catch up to me.

You can bank on it. Believe me.

Mr. Kotterman...

I'm psychic, did you know that?

You see, if you're born in February,

you get like that.

And I'm telling you that I've got a feeling

that any minute my whole business

is gonna go up in smoke.

And what am I gonna have left?

Nothing.

Well, a little insurance.

So okay.

I can take the bitter with the sweet.

Let's see, I, uh... I arrived here at 3:15.

I should be back in the store by 4:00.

It's nice to spend an occasional 45 minutes

away from the store.

Mr. Kotterman,

see that young man sitting over there,

talking on the telephone?

So?

That's the arsonist.

How...? How...? How...?

How long has he been here?

Been in custody about an hour.

Before that he set a different fire.

Oh, my God.

I'm under arrest.

I'm at the police station now.

I burned seven buildings.

Seven.

It's not all right, Mother.

I'm not precocious, I'm sick.

And I wanna get help.

I need a doctor.

Mother, I don't want to see Doctor Paul,

he's a pediatrician.

Anybody got a match?

No, you can't.

No, you can't go with me, Mother.

She can't go with me, can she?

No, it's against the law. No, she can't.

You can't. Heh-heh.

She can't.

No, you can't go with him. No, she can't go.

Gentlemen, it's 5:00 and we're over budget.

Good night.

Hey, you don't have to kick me twice.

I have an engagement with a young lady

that I chanced to run into at a fire today.

No kiddin'.

The one with the enormous personality?

Tassels Taliferro,

the Wicked Witch of the West.

Hey, you wanna join me?

She's got some friends.

No, thanks.

I got a date over in Queens.

Does that mean you're gonna be late again?

Yeah, I guess so.

Well, you two can dissipate if you want.

I am going to jog two miles

and then play an hour of handball.

After that have a little light dinner,

and go right to bed.

Because a policeman

has got to take proper care of his mind and body

in order to be able to handle any emergency.

As long as you got nothin' to do, you want to go with me?

Is it an emergency? I told you, she's got friends.

Okay.

Aren't you going home?

I don't know.

Bernice is visiting her mother

up in Poughkeepsie.

That's funny.

Liz is in Philadelphia with the kids,

visiting her brother.

As long as you got nothing to do, you want to do it together?

Sure, what do you want to do?

I don't know. What do you want to do?

I don't know.

What do you want to do?

I don't know.