Original subtitles

This is funny, ain't it?

What's that?

There's no weather report in the paper.

Maybe we ain't gonna have any.

Must be the spray cans, you know that?

The weatherman can't see through all that underarm deodorant

up in the clouds.

Twelfth precinct, Yemana.

Have a look at this, Harris.

Now we gotta pull all the catalytic converters

off the squad cars.

Oh, wow, we just put 'em on there.

Gotta take 'em off. Seems they're eatin' up too much gas.

Hey, look, what's more important?

Preventing smog or conserving energy?

Last month, America wanted to live.

This month, it wants to go to the mountains.

Is that guy still in there?

Oh, that dude is tearin' the bathroom up, man.

He makes $22 an hour.

He makes more than the commissioner.

He's got a more important job than the commissioner.

Hey!

Yeah.

Hey, man, how much longer are you gonna be in there?

I don't know, but you're in pretty bad shape there.

You got saltwater coming out of the sink.

And where we gettin' saltwater from?

I don't know but it's turning brown.

Oh, well, then it must be from the Atlantic Ocean,

'cause the Hudson River's black.

Hey, uh, I also found a hat in your toilet.

Finders keepers.

Hey, you all right?

I'm getting dizzy

going up and down stairs all morning.

The only toilet that works in this building

is on the first floor.

How many times you been up and down?

Let me see, I had, uh...

I had three cups of coffee...

And, uh, so that's, uh, five trips.

You know, you better have a doctor look at your kidneys.

I did see a doctor.

He said it would be easier to fix the toilet.

Okay, uh, step...

I really am sorry to be causing such trouble.

Yeah, yeah. Uh, get over there, will you?

What do you got here?

He's a phony priest, Barn.

He was out in front of the bank, hustling Bibles.

Hustling Bibles?

You sure?

Well, he, uh, didn't have any ID, Barney.

And, uh, no permit.

And if there's anything that ticks me off

it's a guy that uses God to rip-off the public.

All I did was offer Bibles

in exchange for a small donation to the church.

Tell him what church.

What church?

The Church of the Street.

Pardon me,

I'm not familiar with that particular denomination.

It's non-sectarian, for all of those whose inclination

is to pray informally, out there.

In the street.

Barney, he's operating a floating church.

Look at this.

Gideon Bible, huh?

"The Hotel Brevoort."

"The Algonquin Hotel."

"The Hi Hat Inn, Tuckahoe, New York."

Wherever people wish to worship.

Where did you, uh...

Where'd you get these Bibles, Mr...?

Uh, what do they call you?

Father Paul.

They can't call you Father,

'cause you're not a Catholic priest.

But I am a father.

I guess that means you have children.

Exactly.

Have a seat, uh, Father.

Listen, uh, Wojo, go slow, huh?

I mean, uh, better check it out.

I'm not even too sure there's been any laws broken.

Barney, he probably swiped them Bibles.

They could've been donated.

He's makin' a con out of religion.

Are you sure?

"The Church of the Street," Barn?

It's possible.

Nowadays, people need a lot of help.

Better check it out.

See if there is such a place as The Church of the Streets.

Oh, Barn?

Where do I look?

Try the Yellow Pages.

Going into the cage, Father Paul.

Can I help you?

Yes, I'd like to see the man in charge.

Well, that'll be Captain Miller

but he's a little busy right now.

Uh, will you take a seat?

Thank you.

I'm goin' downstairs to the bathroom.

Anyone, uh, need anything

downstairs on the first floor?

No.

Twelfth precinct, Fish.

Yes, ma'am.

Describe the scream.

Quickly.

Sorry I'm late.

I had a meeting this morning.

The Internal Revenue Service.

How'd you make out?

Pfft. "Make out." I won.

Beautiful. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. I'm not going to prison

and they're gonna let me live.

But very poorly.

What's the priest doing here?

I don't know.

I guess capital punishment is getting big again.

Well, I say he's not a priest.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, I say he's a rip-off artist.

But, uh, Barney told me I gotta check him out

so that's what I'm doing.

Huh.

You know something, if you're not a priest,

you ought to be ashamed of yourself.

And if you are a priest,

good morning, Father.

Can I help you?

No, thanks.

Can I help you?

No, thank you.

Everything that can be done has been done.

Any coffee left?

You're sure a glutton for punishment.

How long are you gonna be foolin' around in there?

"Fooling around?" "Fooling around?"

That is the worst bathroom I've ever been in,

you know that?

I don't remember what it looks like.

Sure.

You know, you guys are always makin' jokes about plumber,

but when you're in trouble, who's the first guy you call?

Who?

The guy in the cage.

Uh, looks like Captain Miller is gonna be tied up for a while.

Are you sure there isn't something I can do for you,

Mr., uh...?

Webber. George Webber.

Yes, I'd like some, uh...

Some warrants, uh, issued.

Who do you want arrested?

Well, first of all,

the governor of the state of New York.

Oh, you too?

Have there been other requests?

Oh, two, three times a week.

Well, I've got a list here of accomplices.

Before and after the fact.

You know, Fish,

I expect to pay for the privilege of living

in this great country of ours.

But I will not be entirely disallowed.

They didn't let you deduct anything?

Not one of my entertainment expenses.

But on behalf of the New York Police Department.

Who did you entertain

on behalf of the New York Police Department?

Fish, I have access

to certain avenues of information

that have to be entertained once in a while.

Governor, the mayor, city council.

That's what he said.

I was gonna call Bellevue, but you said, uh,

"Never jump to conclusions, check it out."

Did you?

I would've if it was just the mayor,

but the governor, that's bigtime.

That's more your level.

You're right.

Hey, man, aren't you a little warm with that coat on?

Yes, a little.

Well, look, uh, why don't you take it off?

You know, make yourself comfortable.

All right. Thank you.

What the hell is that?

Sorry to have, uh,

kept you waiting, Mr. Webber.

I'm Captain Miller.

Don't get up.

Uh,

Mr. Webber, that appears to be a belt of dynamite sticks

you're wearing?

That's what it is, Captain Miller.

And this is a detonator.

Two or three ounces of pressure

and the belt will explode.

And I dare say,

blow up the whole building.

The building goes up, you go up with it.

That's the whole point.

What would that accomplish?

Just maybe somebody would pay attention to me.

I'm paying attention.

Look, aren't we all paying attention?

So why don't you just put down the detonator

and take off the belt...? No!

Well, then wear it. Wear it. It looks wonderful.

You put your faith in somebody

and they just make a fool of you.

I am sick and tired of being lied to

and robbed and poisoned.

That's the wrong way, Mr. Webber.

First try a divorce.

I'm not married, I'm talking about politics!

It's the wrong way there too, Mr. Webber.

There are elections.

Barney's right, Mr. Webber.

You can't put someone else in office

if you blow up your vote.

Elections, protests, demonstrations.

These are cries in the wind.

Don't you breathe the air out there?

We try to keep it down to a minimum, Mr. Webber.

Well, then read the papers.

Millions of people doomed to extinction.

Trapped, starved,

no clean water, living in filth.

Well, I agree with you.

The world's in terrible condition.

I'm talking about New York City.

We try to set an example.

Does anybody care? Does anybody do anything?

We care, don't we care, fellas?

We care.

And we're gonna do something.

Mr. Webber, we're gonna do something right now.

Uh, Sergeant. Yemana, I want you to type out a warrant

for the arrest of the governor of New York State.

Uh, Chano, you take the mayor,

Right! Barney,

let me take the mayor.

All right. The rest of you guys,

split up the city council.

Harris, I want you to get on the phone

to the DA's office. You tell 'em we want action!

Right. Captain Miller,

you and I both know that you...

You can't really arrest all those people.

Now, don't be such a pessimist, Mr. Webber.

How we doin', fellas?

Well, I just reached the DA's office.

He said they're gonna move, Barney.

Yeah. Right. See, Mr. Webber? Don't give up.

Mr. Webber!

We're getting a lot of action for you, Mr. Webber.

Sure. Barney.

I'd like to leave the room.

So would I.

It's the coffee.

It's the coffee, Barney.

Uh, yeah, um, Mr. Webber,

I wonder if it would be possible

for Sergeant Fish to use the mens' room downstairs?

I don't suppose it makes any difference.

It does to me.

I have a condition, Mr. Webber.

And between the coffee an-an-an-an-and your...

And your... Here it is, Barney.

The warrant for the governor's arrest.

It's all in there, the violence, corruption, thievery.

He'll get five to ten, I swear.

Here are my warrants, Barn.

Here's three more.

I got the rest of them, Barney.

This is gonna shake 'em up pretty good downtown, you watch.

You see, Mr. Webber? We are convinced

that you are committed to a course of action,

and we are gonna do everything we can

to help you.

Now, I have one request.

I would like to clear the building.

That's all right with me, I don't wanna hurt anybody.

Oh, good. Fine.

Okay, you guys, clear the upstairs.

Uh, Chano, get that plumber out of the john, will you?

Barney, he ain't fixed it yet.

Take the first floor.

I was goin' to anyway.

Hey, plumber, come on, get out of there.

I'll be through... Now! Come on!

Come on, huh?

I mean, you guys are all alike.

The minute you go into golden time

somebody pulls the plug.

There's a guy here

who's got a load of dynamite.

Oh, listen.

You gotta use a snake.

You'll ruin the pipes with dynamite.

Look, he's gonna blow himself up.

Do you wanna go with him? Huh?

Oh, my God.

Just let me get my tools. Hurry up.

Could you wait a minute? I just wanna get my tools.

Excuse me, if everybody's leaving...

Uh, Wojo. Wojo, come here.

Take Father Paul, and take him over to the 2-7.

Father Paul.

And Captain Miller,

I'd like for the priest to stay.

Would you mind?

Who me? What for?

I-I'd like you to hear my confession.

I heard you when you were talking to him.

I'd like to have final absolution.

You got it.

Thank you.

No.

Hey, uh, Mr. Webber, this guy ain't no priest.

I mean, his absolution ain't worth the paper it's printed on.

Well, I don't have very much time,

I guess I'll just have to risk it.

You're gonna be all right.

Do you want a Bible?

Haven't you got any shame?

It's on me.

Well, thank you.

Why don't you find yourself a new dodge?

I mean, you know religion is sacred to some people.

Hey. I got about $140 coming to me.

Send us a bill, here to the station house.

Yeah, yeah, but suppose it ain't here?

Mr. Buchman, your life is in danger.

I mean, money can't be that important to you.

If it wasn't important, I wouldn't have become a plumber.

Mr. Buchman, we don't have $140.

Huh?

See, we have to make out a requisition.

And then it has to go to police headquarters.

And then it goes to the controller's office.

If the controller's office okays it,

then it goes to borough accounting.

Then it comes back to me for my approval and signature

and then finally they get paid.

It's the way the system works.

Yes, I know.

Barney, the building's clear.

All right, take off.

Good luck, Mr. Webber.

Barney.

Uh, you go, I'm staying.

Barney, you don't have to stay.

It's all right, it's all right, it's all right.

Mr. Webber said he doesn't want anyone hurt.

So as long as I'm here nothing's gonna happen, right?

This Bible is in Hebrew.

Barney, they're downstairs, man.

The bomb squad, and the emergency services...

I wanna try to convince Mr. Webber

that there's a better way.

Also, I confess, I've grown fond of this building.

Captain, you'd better go too.

You're not gonna convince him, look at his eyes.

Take off!

You know, Mr. Webber, you got one heck of a lot of nerve.

If you wanna knock yourself off, fine.

Find yourself an empty lot or a condemned building.

Someplace where you can't hurt anybody.

Why come over here?

You got one heck of a lot of nerve!

That detonator...

That detonator may be sensitive to loud noises.

You gotta one heck of a lot of nerve!

Barney.

Captain,

he just doesn't understand.

Sergeant Amenguale's a very emotional man.

And he has a high regard for human life.

He doesn't like to see it wasted.

Well, that's how I feel.

That's why I'm doing this, don't you see?

I-I-I-I'm trying to understand your position

but I must admit,

I'm a little confused, Mr. Webber.

Corruption, treachery,

fighting in the streets, pollution.

There's nowhere to hide.

You're not supposed to hide.

You're supposed to try to make it better.

No, it's too late.

No, it's never too late.

It's all over for us, captain.

It's not all over. That's the easy way.

Survival is tough but it goes on.

All it takes is a little determination,

a little courage, and a little faith.

Faith? In what?

Human nature, in science and technology,

in man's initiative.

What about that...?

That sea of sludge

waiting out there 20 miles off the coast of Long Island?

Breeding every disease known to mankind.

In a few years it'll be here

and there's nothing we can do about it.

Also helps to have a little faith in the Gulf Stream. Heh.

It's hopeless! It's not hopeless.

It's not hopeless. Stop staying that.

I mean, if you don't have any faith,

you might as well give it all up.

Hold it! Let me rephrase that.

Captain, you'd better get out of here.

I want to go through with this commitment

while I still have the nerve.

Okay,

if you feel the world is coming to an end.

If you feel we're all facing final extinction

and you don't have the guts to do something about it,

you just push that button.

Just give me a couple of minutes to get out of here.

Of course. Take all the time you need.

Forget about us, Mr. Webber.

Forget what I said about this building.

Listen, maybe we'll get a new building

with some decent plumbing for a change.

I thought Mr. Buchman fixed it.

You don't have any faith in mankind,

you have faith in plumbers.

I assumed... Forget about it, Mr. Webber.

Forget about us. Don't worry about us.

If this is the only commitment

you're stupid enough to make,

push it!

You don't have to be insulting.

I'm sorry.

Go ahead, walk out.

I'm only willing to sacrifice myself for the good of humanity.

What do I need with a little courtesy, eh?

Don't be so thin-skinned. "Thin-skinned?"

Thin-skinned you call me?

A man comes up here out of honesty

and concern,

offering to blow himself to pieces,

and you can't even control your temper?

I-I-I'm sorry, I, uh...

I got a little annoyed.

I've had a lot of things go wrong earlier in the day.

Forget about it. It's just another disappointment.

But I thought...

I thought you understood what I was talking about.

Oh, you put your faith in somebody,

you just get another kick in the behind.

That's not true.

True? I'll tell you what's true.

None of you are worth saving.

It's not true.

Oh, you'll find out.

You'll find out! One day,

you'll lay your life on the line

and see who appreciates it. Nobody! That's who.

You'll find out you can't trust anybody to do anything!

I'll take my chances.

Oh, big deal.

Your cha... I'm wearing the belt.

What chances?

You're just like everybody else.

A lot of talk and no action.

You're just another coward.

A coward?

A coward, huh?

Now you've gone too far, Mr. Webber.

Give me the belt.

Come on, give me the belt.

Okay.

Okay, wise guy.

Oh, baby, are you in for it now.

Wait till they start to kick you around,

wait till they mock you, disappoint you,

tear your heart out!

Wait till they refuse to answer your calls!

Boom!

Hello, yeah.

Yeah, Chano, it's okay.

Have you got an aspirin?

Uh, yeah, hold on a sec. Uh, yeah.

Here you are.

Chano, uh,

would you send somebody up to diffuse this thing?

Thank you.

Yeah, Chano, everything's okay.

Up here, everything's okay.

Out there, you know, things could be a lot better.

Hey.

There's saltwater

coming out of that cooler.

Anything I can do, Barney?

Fish, do you know that there's a sea of sludge

off the coast of Long Island,

40 miles square?

Yeah, I read about it.

And it's coming to New York. It'll be here in a few years.

Doesn't that worry you?

A little. A little?

What's going to happen when it washes up on the beaches?

Barney, I can't do anything about that.

But those are terrifying consequences.

I know,

but I never go to the beaches anyway.

Too many women running around hardly with nothing on.

And, uh, I can't do anything about that either.