Original subtitles

"5:15 a.m.

"The city is asleep.

"The wind has an edge to it. The cold slaps my face.

I am tired, but I have a job to do."

What do you think?

I don't know.

It don't sound like one of your regular arrest reports.

I'm writing a book.

Good morning.

I don't think so.

What's the matter?

I had hot flashes on the subway.

Maybe it's something you ate for breakfast.

You don't get hot flashes

from prunes.

Hey... Harris is writing a book.

What kind of book?

Fish wants to know what kind of a book.

A novel.

A novel.

What kind of novel?

He might ask.

No, no, no, no, Wojo, you don't understand, man.

The whole secret is oxygen in the blood.

Listen to me. Listen.

Anything that makes your heart beat very fast, man,

has got to be good for you. Fine.

All right.

I'm just saying that handball is as good as your way.

Yeah, but you can't dance with a handball.

No, but don't got to listen to it talk either.

I mean, you get a dumb handball,

you can just throw it in your locker.

Hey, Harris is writing a novel.

Oh yeah? What kind of novel?

Why don't you ask him?

Harris, is that true you write a novel, man?

Mm-hmm.

Hey, no kidding, man, that's fantastic.

What kind of novel is it?

It's a police novel...

A week in the life of a New York City detective

as seen through the eyes of me.

When did you decide to write a novel?

Last night.

I was lying in bed, couldn't sleep,

and I said to myself, "You know, it's true.

"There are eight million stories out there in this naked city,

and I'm going to sell one of them."

Good morning, gentlemen.

Hey, Barney.

Anything happening I should know about?

Harris is writing a book.

A cappella. Pretty good.

I had in mind something more in the nature of a crime.

The coffee.

I would hesitate

to call our coffee a crime...

A shame, maybe.

Oh, that's a crime.

Good morning.

Hi, Harry.

Harry.

What do we got in petty cash?

Around 50 bucks.

Check on it.

Yeah.

Good morning, Harry.

What have you got that we can afford?

I've got something very hot, Barney...

How much?

Very unique.

How much?

It'll cost you a hundred.

A hundred?

We've never paid that kind of money

for information before.

I've never had this kind of information before.

Don't you ever do anything

without thinking of the reward?

Just because you're a good citizen?

No.

Disgusting, huh?

Really rotten?

Somewhere in there, yeah.

Informing on your fellow citizen

is not a profession I would recommend to a friend.

Why don't you try something else?

I tried.

I didn't have the feeling for it.

Give me the hundred and let me get out of here.

Ooh, for that kind of money, Harry,

we're going to have to have a hint.

I offer two words... Charlie Jeffers.

Charlie Jeffers?

That's not bad.

Not bad? He busted out of five prisons.

Here. Elmira, Eastern New York Correctional,

Clinton, Wallkill,

and a couple of weeks ago, he took a powder from Attica.

Where is he?

In your precinct.

50 now, 50 when we find him.

We've got 42 bucks in petty cash.

42 now, 58 when we find him.

Nick, check the APB's.

See what you can dig up on Charlie Jeffers.

Okay.

In February. Right.

Can I interest you in a couple of guys

just in from Chicago?

What did they do?

Nothing yet,

but they've got a big potential,

and you can keep an eye on them for 25 bucks.

Let me know when they do something.

Sure, but I can't promise it to you

for 25 bucks.

You know, it depends on

what they've got going down.

Naturally.

Here it is. Charlie Jeffers.

Went over the wall at Attica three weeks ago.

See you around, Harry.

I hate doing this.

The guy'd sell his own brother for 50 bucks.

75. He gets out next June.

You're kidding.

Didn't you like it?

It wasn't bad.

Then how about a little smile?

Wojo,

Chano... Huh?

You guys pick up Charlie Jeffers.

All right, now, be careful,

he's probably armed and dangerous.

You bet, Barney.

Hey, Harris, did you hear that?

We're going to pick up Charlie Jeffers.

He's armed and dangerous, man.

Yeah, you can write about it in your book if you want.

Hey, man, you can't use real people.

You get sued.

I'm not going to sue you.

There, see, that's what you say now,

but when the book comes out

and gets made into a great picture,

then you'll change your tune.

You're right.

He's right.

Hey, Yemana,

how do you say, "Get me a cup of coffee"

in Japanese?

Why?

Well, see, I've got this Japanese detective

in my novel, see,

and every morning when he comes in,

he says, "Get me a cup of coffee,"

but it's in Japanese.

Are there any other Japanese detectives in the room?

No Then who's going to understand?

Hey, what's the difference?

It just adds a little color

to the book.

Come on, give it up.

Uh...

Get it yourself. What am I, your maid?

12th Precinct. Fish.

You're really writing a book, huh?

Yep.

Chapter one, page one.

You've got to start somewhere.

"The city was asleep."

I hope that's when you're going to write it,

because when the city's awake,

we can use you around here.

Oh, absolutely.

It's that time of year. They're all over New York.

They won't bother you.

What's up?

There's a lady complaining about a bird

on the roof of a building across the street,

for crying out loud.

You're a public servant.

Get a description of the bird.

Describe the bird, lady.

Well, what'd she say?

It weighs about 180 pounds

and it's wearing a wool hat.

You'd better send a car.

Barney, hey, Barney, Barney!

We had the right information, man.

Here he is. Charlie Jeffers.

You can't believe the excitement

downstairs, man.

Whew, you're a famous man, Mr. Jeffers.

I'm Captain Miller, Mr. Jeffers.

Captain Miller. How do you do, sir?

Until the attorney general's office

can arrange for a transfer,

you'll be held here.

Charming.

And don't get any ideas, Jeffers.

I mean, you may have walked out of Elmira

and Attica, but this is the 12th Precinct.

I have no intention of trying to leave here.

That's a comforting thought, Mr. Jeffers.

Represents a change of attitude for you,

doesn't it?

Well, I'm getting old, captain.

I'm not as angry as I used to be,

and that is a formidable weapon to lose.

I understand.

I sent a patrol car out there to check out the bird.

Oh, Charlie Jeffers. How are you?

How do you do?

I recognize you for your APB circulars.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Well, I followed your career

with a certain fascination,

but then, we do have the same sort of problem.

Oh, I don't know how that can be.

I've been in prison for most of the past 35 years.

At least you can get out once in a while.

Mr. Jeffers, would you mind sitting down over here?

We've got some questions to ask you. Yes, sir.

Hey, Barn,

the television station is on the phone.

They want to know if they can

and get an interview with Jeffers.

Oh, news travels fast.

You tell them they have to have permission

from the public information office

and the police department and the attorney general's office

in Albany.

All right, Mr. Jeffers,

could I have your full name, please?

Charles Evans Jeffers.

Date of birth?

April 14, 1919.

Permanent address?

Various.

Beautiful.

That's Detective Harris. He's writing a book. Oh.

How are you doing?

Beautiful.

By the way, how did you know where to find me?

Ah... We got some information.

Somebody saw you and recognized you.

Tough luck.

No, it was inevitable.

I suppose I was even looking forward to it.

My carelessness may well have been premeditated.

You're a regular philosopher,

Mr. Jeffers.

The years

force a certain amount of wisdom upon you,

whether you like it or not.

I didn't get that one.

Oh, I beg your pardon.

I was saying the years force a certain amount of wisdom

upon you.

"Upon you"... Whether you like it or not.

That's good... Very good.

Come this way, please, Mr. Jeffers.

Yes, sir.

Hey, Barney.

Listen, the patrol car just called in.

They got some banana cake up on a rooftop

with a pair of homemade wings, trying to fly.

They need help.

That would be the 180-pound bird.

Give them a hand.

Take Harris with you.

It'll do him some good

to get away from his work.

Barney, the attorney general's office

called.

They're sending some officers over

to pick up Jeffers.

They should be here in three or four hours. Good.

Barney, the public information officer

is on his way down here from headquarters.

He says no interviews on Jeffers until he gets here.

Hey, Barney, look, there's all kinds

of photographers, reporters downstairs.

What do you want me to tell them?

Get a couple of men in the hall.

Yeah. I want to make... All right.

♪ My Coney Island baby... ♪

♪ Boom, boom, boom ♪

Well, I didn't want to disturb anyone.

♪ I'm gonna sail away And leave you ♪

♪ Never to return ♪

♪ So you can have The dishes, Mabel ♪

♪ So long, my Coney Island ♪

♪ Goodbye My Coney Island ♪♪

Public information officer's downstairs with the press.

At least they won't be up here bothering us.

I see Mr. Jeffers is still with us.

Only because he likes it here.

"He had been living in virtual obscurity.

"Police from five states were looking for him.

It had been left to me to bring him in."

"To me"?

To him?

He wasn't even there, Barney.

Poetic license.

Okay, you can just sit right here in this chair here.

His name is Roland Gusek.

We had to chase him over three buildings.

A couple of times, he got airborne, I swear.

And I'd have made it across the river

if you'd minded your own business.

You also could have gotten killed.

Death has never been a deterrent.

What's the name?

Miller, Captain Miller.

Obscurity is more terrifying than death,

Captain Miller.

Accomplishment's what's important.

If I die in an attempt to accomplish something,

who's the sufferer?

You are.

So?

Self-destruction happens to be against the law

in this state, Mr. Gusek.

Archaic bupkes.

If I fall from valor, it's my business.

Unless you fall on someone else.

Should I take him over to Bellevue?

No, have them pick him up.

I can't spare the man.

Mr. Jeffers, I was just talking

to some of the reporters downstairs.

They tell me

that you've spent 30 years in jail

for stealing one automobile.

It was one hell of a car.

One to five grand larceny auto

and 25 years accumulated escape time?

Compound interest, you might call it.

Beautiful, beautiful.

Would you care for a cup of coffee?

I prefer tea, please.

Okay, Mr. Gusek,

we're going to go downstairs.

Why?

Well, we have to take a picture of you

and a picture of your fingers.

Stop talking to me as if I were a child!

I am an engineer.

Okay, Mr. Gusek,

we'll go down and find you a choo-choo.

That wasn't necessary, Wojo.

Sorry.

He thinks I got these wings

out of a box of Cracker Jacks.

This is aerodynamic engineering.

This is not chazerai.

These were designed

to give me the configurations of a thrush.

My body happens to be a perfect airfoil.

Let's go.

We're finished as a culture,

do you know that?

Where courage is a sickness

and an imagination is a crime,

culture is dead.

The minute we start spitting on pioneers,

we've had it.

Be careful with those wings.

They are going to the Smithsonian.

So am I.

Here you are, Mr. Jeffers.

Thank you, captain.

You know, it's hard for me to understand

how an intelligent man like you

could allow himself to be parlayed

into so much trouble.

Well, logical consequences are the scarecrows of fools

and the beacons of wise men.

This cat is dynamite.

I'm going to write that down.

It appears you've found an admirer.

Do me a favor.

Don't tell him it comes from Aldous Huxley

until after I leave.

You know, it seems to me

that if you just stayed put for a while,

you could avoid all this difficulty.

No, I am by nature an impatient man, captain.

But you're also a realist.

Well, the secret of being able to serve time

is to accept the circumstance,

to resign yourself to the fact

that escape is impossible.

Well, the more I escaped,

the more difficult it became to accept that philosophy.

Prison became increasingly unbearable

because it became increasingly unnecessary.

But you always got caught.

Well, nobody's perfect.

What about this time?

You going to try again?

I don't know.

It isn't nearly as interesting outside

as it used to be.

I suppose these last few escapes

were merely for the sake of the doing.

Why don't you just sit it out for a while?

Try for parole?

Maybe I will this time.

Certainly, the challenge is no longer there.

Perhaps this time

I'm going to have to be practical

and yes, very, very bored.

You really got some nerve, man.

I, me, myself, I.

Hey, man, it's fiction.

You always use first-person singular

in fiction.

Oh yeah?

Well, next time you and me,

we, find ourselves in an alley with some guy with a knife,

how would you like to find yourself

first-person and singular?

Now we're going to go to a playpen.

That's dehumanizing, what you did.

We do it to everybody.

I'm not an ordinary person.

When are you going to accept that fact?

Inside.

Ordinary people do not swim the Atlantic Ocean.

When did you swim the Atlantic Ocean?

Next April.

From Long Island to London.

It can't be done.

Tell that to Gertrude Ederle.

Hey, Fish, who's Gertrude Ederle?

She covered herself with grease

and swam the English Channel.

It's a shame that Bernice can't swim.

She'd be all set.

All my life, I wanted to accomplish something.

I could have settled for little things.

Would you like some tea?

Thanks.

I have a great admiration for you, Mr. Gusek.

You putting me on or something?

On the contrary.

I really believe that you have the determination

to swim from Long Island to London.

Listen, I may not make it the first time.

Storms come up... Yes.

Well, I figure

if at first you don't succeed,

try, try again.

I've always felt the same way.

The human spirit cannot be denied.

Look at da Vinci, Pasteur, Lenny Bruce.

Willie Sutton.

What's the difference between mankind and animals?

Mankind aspires.

Mankind reaches out to the stars.

Mankind pursues impossible dreams.

♪ And the world Would be better for this ♪

♪ That one man ♪

♪ Scorned and covered With scars ♪

♪ Should fight With his last ounce of courage ♪

♪ To reach ♪

♪ The unreachable star ♪♪

Hey, Barn, there's a couple of attendants from Bellevue here

to pick up the Man of La Mancha.

Well, goodbye, Mr. Jeffers.

Mr. Gusek, I wish you good luck and a fast current.

Hi there, pal.

We got a nice white car down below for you

with a nice red light on it

and a big horn that goes, "whoo-whoo."

I see you two know each other.

Very funny.

Then how about a little smile?

Come on, let's go.

Wait a minute. I've got to get my wings.

Hey, you won't need them.

We're going to drive you over.

Captain Miller, do you really want me to go with them?

You'll be all right, Mr. Gusek.

Wojo, give him his wings.

We're here to enforce the law,

not shatter a man's visions.

Did you hear that?

I'm ready now.

Mr. Jeffers, if you ever get out again, look me up.

I'll be looking up at you.

Mr. Jeffers, I just spoke to somebody

in the Attorney General's office.

They told me that if you...

Hung around long enough,

you could be eligible for parole

in a couple of years.

You think you could stand it?

A couple of years.

It's longer now than it used to be.

Ooh, it'll be tough,

but you said it yourself,

breaking out of jail

can't be much of a challenge anymore.

I'll try to remember that.

Barney, this is Lieutenant Faraday.

He's here to pick up Mr. Jeffers.

Captain.

Well, well, so this is Jeffers,

the happy wanderer.

Well, we'll see what we can do about that.

Come on, I've got a car downstairs.

No hard feelings, Mr. Jeffers, huh?

None at all, Mr. Chano.

Mr. Harris, I wish you good luck with your book

and maybe someday I'll write one myself.

Chapter Two is all you.

See you around.

Perhaps.

I have Thursday in the pool.

That's funny.

Gentlemen.

Captain Miller,

I want to thank you for your hospitality.

This is the best time I've ever done.

Have a good trip back to Attica.

Oh, no. No more Attica.

We got a special place for him.

Really?

Yes, we're going to Greenhaven.

We got a specially designed cell

just for you.

It's 100% escape proof.

Please don't say that.

It's already been tested.

It's guaranteed to see

that whoever goes inside

stays inside.

I really wish he hadn't said that.

You don't have to listen to him.

Come on, Jeffers. I haven't got all day.

Just a moment, please. I believe these are yours.

♪ I'm gonna sail away And leave you ♪

♪ Never to return... ♪♪

Chano, Yemana, make sure he gets in the car.

Right.

Did he come in here? Who?

That cuckoo bird.

He kicked my partner in the groin

and ran down the alley.

Oh, my... You guys help him find him, will you?

I don't believe this. Barney!

Hey, Barney! What?

That Gusek, he got away from the ambulance guys.

He's up on the roof with the wings.

He's trying to fly. He's going to jump off the roof.

Hello, dispatcher.

Yeah, get the Fire Department over here, will you?

We've got somebody up on the roof

threatening to jump.

Yeah, all right. We're going to need some nets...

Barney... Yeah. Hold it.

He jumped.

Oh, my God... Was he killed?

Nope.

He just flew... all the way to the ground.

Sailing in a big circle,

just as pretty as anything you ever saw.

Landed right in front of the ambulance.

What did they do with him?

They took him to Bellevue.

I don't know what for.

Look, I don't care what you say,

I still don't believe

that Fish understands Japanese.

But you heard him.

You go ask him how he feels and see what he says.

Uh...

Get it yourself.

What am I, your maid?

Hey, you guys want to hear your publicity?

"Charles Evans Jeffers, ingenious prison escapee,

"was apprehended yesterday

"by men of the 12th Precinct,

Detectives Amenguale and Wojciehowicz."

Ah, they spelled your name wrong again, Wojo.

I don't believe it.

You spell it the way it sounds,

Wojciehowicz.

"Amenguale and Wojciehowicz

"arrested Jeffers in his apartment

on a tip from an undisclosed source."

Ah! Ah, see that? And you weren't even there.

How you going to explain that when your book comes out,

I, me, myself, I?

Hey, it's right here on the first page.

Read the dedication.

"This best-seller...

"Is dedicated to the men of the 12th Precinct

"without whom this story might never have been told.

"To Captain Barney Miller...

"Sergeants Amenguale, Fish, Yemana,

and Detective Third Grade Wojciehowicz."

Your name is spelled wrong again.

Barney, look at that spelling.

M-I-L-L-E-R. Looks okay to me.