Original subtitles

12th Precinct, Fish.

Yes, madam.

What time did it happen?

Can you describe the assailant?

Big slob.

Can you give us anything more

to go on than that, madam?

Bad breath.

Not my customer.

Take that seat over there.

Why am I being arrested?

I told you.

It's called

an unclassified misdemeanor.

Sit down.

Good evening.

Good evening.

Your full name, please?

Al Schrieber.

Your full name?

Allen, Albert... just plain Al.

Excuse me, but could you tell me

exactly what is

an unclassified misdemeanor?

The law states a person

is not allowed to wear a disguise

in public.

Mm.

You on your way to a party,

Mr. Schrieber?

No, I was just out for a little walk.

Yeah, well,

you're not allowed to do that.

But I wasn't bothering anybody.

The point is, the law prohibits anyone

from attempting to conceal his identity.

But I'm not hiding anything.

I told you my name, and I... I live

at 575 East Third Street, And I... See?

I've been a truck driver for 23 years.

You drive a truck?

Yes.

A little truck.

Twenty-ton rig,

and I drove a tank during the war...

Third Division,

United States Marine Corps.

You saw combat in the Marine Corps?

South Pacific.

Silver Star... Two Purple Hearts.

I think I know where he got hit.

He had a scar?

Where was this scar?

On the right side of his foot.

Wasn't he wearing shoes?

He was.

The scar was on the right shoe.

Lady, that's called a scuff mark.

Barney, we got a lot of trouble on our hands.

Excuse me.

That's okay.

We got... Good evening.

Good evening.

What's up?

Oh, we got a mugger in the hospital

in really bad shape.

Again? Yeah.

How about the victim?

The victim's fine. As a matter of fact,

Yemana is over at the house now

taking a statement from her.

That's the third time in two weeks.

It's gotta be more than just a coincidence.

This is Mr. Schrieber.

Mr. Schrieber?

Al.

Good evening, Al.

Good evening.

Well, well?

Oh, right, yeah.

This lady, a Miss Celia Rodriguez,

was attacked at 9:32 this evening

by a Mr. James Christopher,

who was then attacked by a person unknown.

Struck this James Christopher,

and psst... disappeared,

before Miss Rodriguez could thank him

for saving her money and possibly her life.

Isn't that just dandy? That's it.

Where are the files on the other two muggings?

Oh, right on my desk.

Mr. Schrieber, you been to a party?

He's been out for a walk.

No kidding.

Excuse me,

but am I going to be here very long?

Long as it takes you to make bail.

Well, I hope this ain't going to be a big deal.

I mean, you know, the Teamsters union

frowns on things like this.

Would you like to use the phone?

Yeah, yeah, thanks.

Hey, Barney, you know, all these muggers

in the hospital,

I got a feeling that they were all put there

by the same man.

I think he's right, Barn.

Yeah, just what we need... a vigilante.

Stealing, hitting, cursing...

Where are all the normal people?

Good evening. How are you?

Fine, thanks. How's yourself?

Now, all three mugging incidents

took place within 10 blocks

of each other,

so it's entirely possible

that our vigilante is a local resident.

There's Ninth and McDougall,

14th and Gramercy, and Second and Hudson.

What's that yellow pin

up there in East River?

That's what's holding up the map.

Oh, I see.

Excuse me,

but may I use your toilet?

You want me to take you downstairs?

We only have a men's room.

I always use the men's room.

Really?

Yeah.

Isn't that odd?

What do we know so far?

Well, Barney, all of the victims agree that the vigilante was a man,

but it was always too dark to get a good look at him.

Anyway, they all said that he carried a pipe or a club, but...

All right. Let's go to work... into the files.

Let's get a list of all the assault victims in this area...

12th Precinct, Wojciehowicz.

Check the names, see if you can think of any relatives

that have some kind of vendetta...

We'll be right there.

Barney, Barney. There's been a mugging and a shooting

over at 15th and Sixth.

There's a patrol car there,

and they're holding some people.

Chano, you go with him.

Right. Yeah. Let's get on it.

Hi, inspector.

Hi.

Hello, Fish. How are you?

Inspector Luger, nice to see you.

Likewise, I'm sure.

Hi, Barney.

Inspector.

What's happening?

Armed assault over on Sixth Avenue.

The boys are checking it out.

Looks like you got

your own little personal crime wave here, eh?

We have been a little busier than usual, yes.

That's what I want to talk to you about.

Come in the office.

Sure.

Good evening, madam.

Good evening.

Weirdo.

All right.

What's going on

in this precinct of yours, Barney?

You deputizing citizens?

Oh, yeah.

We have had a few incidents.

Incidents?

You got some crazy kookaboo running around out there

with a loaded gun doing your job.

We're working on it, inspector.

Yeah, yeah, and I know how you're working on it too.

You're conducting seminars for the underprivileged,

the misunderstood... Love thy neighbor,

cooperate with the law.

Barney, that's a lot of bushwa.

We each have our own method.

I know.

You talk to people.

You get involved with them.

I read your reports.

I just don't believe in running around kicking tail.

I think you get more accomplished

by talking to people.

Poppycock!

Barney, the... Ah... My old racket squad

used to operate out of here, you know,

right out of this precinct.

Busted a lot of heads pretty good in them days, Barney.

Kept them hoodlums out of this precinct.

But you... You, Barney,

you're getting the worst reputation in town.

People like you!

Sorry about that.

Yeah, that ain't just idle gossip, neither.

I seen it. I seen it with my own eyes.

People walk up to you, "Hiya, Barney. How are you?"

What the hell is that?

"Hiya, Barney."

What, are you some kind of Playboy Bunny, Barney? Huh?

"Oh! Oh!

Yes, sir, Captain Miller."

That's the way you talk to a cop.

That's respect.

I just don't have

the benefit of your personality, inspector.

Ah, well... Take a look at them, huh?

Them are the hands of a cop.

Look at that...

Broken, twisted, bruised, chipped, eh?

You, Barney, you got the hands of a...

of a law-enforcement officer.

I know you're trying to insult me, inspector.

I just can't seem to take offense.

Boy, me and Foster, Kleiner and Brown,

we'd take them punks into the men's room, you know,

play ricky-rack, tick-tack, give the dog a bone

right on top of their skulls.

They behaved after that too.

You can believe me, boy.

Me and Foster, Kleiner and Brown,

we did a job then, boy...

♪ With a rick-rack, tick-tack Give the dog a bone... ♪

I'm sorry, Barn.

I didn't mean to get sentimental on you.

It's nothing.

Excuse me, Barney.

Chano and Wojciehowicz are just coming in.

They think they got the vigilante.

Good. Coming, inspector?

Nah. Nah, nah. You go ahead, Barney.

I'll be with you in a minute.

You're going to give him his rights

and all that.

I hate that kind of stuff.

♪ With a rick-rack Tick-tack ♪

♪ Give the dog a bone ♪

Tell me something. How come the police

ain't never around when you need them?

Now, we got there as fast as we could.

Yeah, well, you didn't get there

as fast as that good old PR with his pistol.

Don't you mean "Puerto Rican"?

I mean, he saved my fanny.

Barney, this is Jacinto Escobar.

He was caught intervening

in an attempted assault

on Mrs. McBee there,

and this was on his person.

This belong to you?

Yes, that is my gun,

but you don't understand.

I am not the man.

It was the other man who attacked the lady.

But you are the man who attacked the man who attacked the lady.

I was only trying to help her.

Do you have a permit for this?

Qué es permit?

Ah, yes. Yes.

You do have a permit?

No, no.

Do you make a habit

of doing things like this,

Mr. Escobar?

Qué?

Yes.

And it's happened before?

Many times.

Earlier this evening?

Yes.

Barney, what's going on here?

This is Mr. Escobar, a gentleman with

an overdeveloped sense of justice.

Oh.

Oh, you're the fella

that's been running around town

taking potshots at the bad guys?

Huh? What are you, some kind of Zorro or something?

Zorro?

Ho, ho, ho.

Talk American.

This is a civilized community,

Señor Escobar.

There ain't no need for any...

How do you say "vigilante"

in Spanish?

Vigilante.

There's no need for any vigilante

running around the streets with a gun.

There is if you live in my neighborhood.

Oh?

It's very dangerous.

People are murdered, robbed, raped...

Oh, look, look, your neighborhood

ain't no different from anybody else's.

Please, I am not a man who likes trouble,

but they attacked my family.

They injured my friends.

And always the police are somewhere else.

Busy. Busy.

Busy giving parking tickets and making movies.

Please, Mrs. McBee, would you mind?

Yes, I mind!

I mean, this is the second time tonight

I almost got ripped off.

You were assaulted twice tonight?

Yeah, I called in and reported it.

I almost got killed at 9:00 tonight

by some big slob with bad breath

and a scar on his shoe.

Well, hello, there.

Detective Wojciehowicz,

would you get a complete statement

from Mrs. McBee?

Sure, captain.

Mr. Escobar, I'm afraid we're going to have to hold you.

We'll probably charge you

with felonious assault.

Has he got a lawyer?

Yeah, his family is taking care of it.

Ah, it's a shame he ain't a cop, Barney.

He'd have got a medal.

As it is, he'll probably get one to five.

Probably.

Yeah, well, I won't hold you up.

I know you're busy.

You got a lot of things to discuss with, uh, Señor...

That certain person.

What with him being a human being

and all that, you know?

Oh, listen, Barney,

do me one favor, will you?

Sure.

Don't ever paint this place.

Barney, district attorney's office

on line two.

Uh, yes.

Uh, yes, uh... His name is, uh...

Jacinto Escobar.

Yeah, I don't think there's any question about it.

He's the one.

Well, there are extenuating circumstances

in this case.

I mean, it's about motivation, it's...

I know we want to discourage this sort of thing,

so do I, but, uh... Yeah. Yes, I understand.

Very political.

Yes, I understand.

Yes, I know... people like me.

Okay, you'll have him within the hour.

Right.

What'd he say?

Oh, he wants a conviction on felonious assault.

What, what, what? You're surprised?

No, no, no, but, I mean,

you can't really call it felonious assault

if you assault a felonious assaulter, can you?

You got a point in there somewhere.

Yeah.

Meanwhile, fill out the transfer papers

and get him down to the DA's office.

All right, Barney. I'll take care of him. Boy.

You see, I talked to a couple of doctors

about this, you know,

and they say it's because

I had a strong mother and a weak father,

so I identify with my mother,

but, you know... I see.

But I don't buy it.

I don't go for that psychiatric junk, no how.

Then why do you dress like that?

I don't know.

It just makes me feel pretty.

Hey, Fish.

Yeah?

Bail bondsman just put up the ticket for Schrieber.

Thanks, Kogan.

Turn him loose, Wojo.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, Schrieber,

just take it on out of here.

Thanks.

No hard feelings, huh?

It's your life.

If you want to march through it

out of uniform, well...

See you around, Mr. Escobar.

Goodbye.

Be careful walking the streets.

Yeah.

Hey, it's daylight out there.

Yeah, you go out like that,

you're liable to get arrested again.

Yeah, but what am I going to do?

I mean, I didn't bring anything else.

What have you got under that?

Oh... You know, usual stuff.

What "usual stuff"?

Well, I... A whalebone girdle

and wool support stockings?

What kind of junk is that?

It's the only kind of "usual stuff" I know.

Nobody wears things like that anymore.

Maybe you don't,

but I have personal knowledge

of someone who does.

Why don't you call up a friend or something,

bring you over some clothes, huh?

Who am I going to call?

I don't know.

The guys I work with,

they don't know anything about this.

Well, I don't know. A girlfriend?

Chano. What?

Don't embarrass the guy.

What's he going to do with a girlfriend?

Same thing you do.

It's getting too deep for me.

Look, there's got to be somebody you can call.

What about your father or your mother?

No, no, my father is dead,

and I... My mother and I don't speak.

I understand.

Maybe I gotta call Charlie

after all, huh?

Charlie a friend of yours?

Yeah... He was, up until now.

Okay, day tour commander just checked in.

You guys can split.

Great. Thanks, Barney.

Thank you.

Marine, huh?

Maureen O'Hara.

Good luck, Mr. Escobar.

Thank you.

So long, Chano.

Anything I can do for you?

Thank you. You're very kind.

Goodbye.

Mr. Escobar,

I want to assure you you'll be treated fairly.

For how long I will go to jail?

It's up to the DA and the judge.

You better see a lawyer.

Thank you.

It's funny, you know.

I have a cousin who has a chicken farm

in Teaneck, New Jersey.

When we left Puerto Rico,

I had to make a choice.

New York City or Teaneck, New Jersey.

So I decided to toss a coin.

All the whole family stood around in a circle

and I flip the coin into the air

and I watched it turning,

turning, turning...

Heads, chicken farm,

tails, New York City.

It was heads... But I hate chickens.

Excuse me. You got a guy up here

by the name of Al Schrieber?

Right here.

Al?

Hello.

It's me, Charlie.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I know, Charlie, I recognize you.

Well, you're one up on me.

What are you all made up for?

Oh, this... It's just, uh...

You see, I got mugged, Charlie,

and they stole my clothes.

No kidding.

Right?

Right, right.

Can I dress in there?

Sure, go right ahead.

Thanks.

Hey, Al. Yeah, Charlie?

You owe me 3.90 for the cab.

Take it out of my purse.

Nick. Nick?

Where are Yemana and Harris?

Huh? Oh, they went out to lunch. You want something?

Yeah, I got a special assignment...

Tactical squad. Want to go?

Well, listen, I don't mind, but...

Buenas días.

Hey, Mr. Escobar!

I was in the city

to see my probation officer

and some of my family,

and I thought

to stop by, say hello,

and bring you a little gift.

What's that?

Hey, hey, hey...

That's what I call a chicken.

That's really nice.

It's very nice to eat,

but you wouldn't want to live with them.

You get used to it, huh?

It's strange how something

that tastes that good

can smell so bad.

I keep telling you it was an accident.

The lady fell down.

Yeah, and when she hit the ground,

she broke her arm and her jaw...

And her jewelry and her money

bounced off the sidewalk

and landed in your pocket, eh?

Come on, sit down.

Hello, Escobar. How are you?

Fine, thank you, well.

Uh, I, uh...

It was very nice seeing you,

but I must go.

I have to catch a bus.

Oh, well, it was good seeing you.

Bye-bye.

Hey, so long, Mr. Escobar.

Hey, I want to see a lawyer.

You're gonna need more than a lawyer

if that old lady doesn't pull through.

Yeah? What about me?

What about the nut that hit me with a club

and put four stitches in my head?

What are you going to do about that?

What nut hit you with a club?

That punk hit an old woman

and an irate citizen intervened.

Did you get a good look at the guy?

Sure, I did. He was an old guy.

Yeah, how old?

I don't know.

Well, 50, 60?

Yeah, maybe.

Seventy?

Yeah. Look, he was a foreigner.

What kind of foreigner?

Well, how do I know?

He didn't talk right. He talked funny.

Probably Russian.

Could have been.

Lousy Commie.

And he smelled funny.

How funny?

Well, I don't know.

Sort of like, um... like chickens.

Or ducks?

Yeah.

Yeah, like they have on them farms.

Uh, you don't think, um...

I don't know. Could be.

Chano... issue an all-points bulletin.

Well, Barney, I mean... Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

To all law-enforcement agencies...

Wanted for felonious assault...

A 70-year-old man with a Russian accent

who smells like a chicken.

Or a duck.

Or a duck.

You want me to get on that right away, Barney?

Sure. You got something better to do?

We didn't eat lunch.

Oh, well, a person has to eat.

Yeah, of course.

What the hell is going on

around here, Barney?

Your entire constituency

is running around out there

playing Patty-Cake with the law.

That's the nature of the beast, inspector.

The people are just tired

of getting ripped off by hoodlums.

We do the best job we can,

but we just don't have enough cops

to handle the job.

There are a lot of people out there

who feel the same way as Mr. Escobar.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

I know, Barney.

It ain't like the old days, huh?

There used to be the good guys and the bad guys.

You didn't need a program to tell them apart.

Yeah, and there was... Me and Foster,

and Kleiner and Brown...

I got a lot of work to do, inspector.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, you go ahead.

Go ahead, Barney.

Hey, but, listen,

do me one favor, will you?

Oh, yeah, I know.

We won't paint the room.

No, no, no. Paint it.

Paint the place.

Ain't no point in living in the past.

Would you like a cup of coffee?

You got any Ovaltine, Barney?