All language subtitles for The.big.bang.theory.S04E23.720p-CTU.English-WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

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Hey, do me a favor
and take table seven.

You mean the one
with my 118-pound

rock-hard stud of a fiancé

who's prone to canker
sores and pinkeye?

Nah, I prefer to look at it as
the one with my ex-boyfriend

and his gorgeous, successful
and sophisticated girlfriend,

who makes me feel like
a toothless Okie.

Do you want me to spill
hot soup on her?

Oh, please-- you're not
that kind of person.

I know.

But if she orders
something low-fat

I'll totally give her
the full-fat version.

Uh, that's my water.

What?

My water.
You're drinking it.

D-Dear Lord!

Have you been drinking it?

Yes. It's my water.

Well, that's it then.

I'm dead.

Here we go...

I'm sorry, do I really need
to connect the dots for you?

The backwash into this glass

is every pathogen that calls
your mouth home, sweet home.

Not to mention the visitors who
arrive on the dancing tongue

of your subtropical girlfriend.

Hey! That's my sister

and my country
you're talking about.

Leonard may have
defiled one,

but I won't have you
talking smack about the other.

You guys ready to order?

Yes, I'd like a seven-day
course of penicillin,

some, uh, syrup of ipecac--
to induce vomiting-- and a mint.

I don't understand.

He drank from
Leonard's glass.

"He drank from
Leonard's glass"--

the words they'll be
carving into my tombstone.

That's actually my napkin.

Oh, this is a nightmare!

- Where are you going?
- To the bar,

to sterilize my mouth
with alcohol.

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

♪ The Big Bang Theory 4x23 ♪
The Engagement Reaction
Original Air Date on May 12, 2011

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

All right. Here you go.

Two lemonades,

one iced tea

and a root beer for Priya.

- Is it diet?
- That's what you ordered.

Thank you.

Hey, have you and Howard

started planning
your wedding yet?

Yeah. We're thinking
of having it on a cliff

overlooking the ocean.

Nothing soothes
those pre-wedding jitters

like the thought
of falling and drowning.

What did your mother say

when you told her you were
getting married?

He hasn't told her yet.

He's waiting for
the right time.

I was thinking of weaving
it into her eulogy.

Howard, you've got
to tell your mother.

Hey, have you told your parents
you're dating

this short glass
of skim milk here?

Uh... that's different.

First of all,
we're not engaged;

and second,
Indian parents

are very protective
of their children.

Right, right,
whereas Jewish mothers

take a casual, la-di-da
approach to their sons.

I gargled with tequila and may
have swallowed a teeny bit.

- You all right?
- Fine.

Thank you for asking.

I love you so much.

Fire demon.

Ooh, fire demon.

Sheldon's turning up the heat...

Troll master.

Check it! Howard pulls one out

from under the bridge. Nice!

Water nymph.

Oh, yeah, she's got puddles

in all the right places.

Could you please
play the game

without commenting
on every card?

Sorry.

Walking tree.

Last one.

I'm taking a stroll
and I'm sporting wood.

(phone chimes)

Okay, the Eagle has landed.

What's going on?

Bernadette
and my mother are having

a get-to-know-you lunch
at the Old Town Deli.

Oh, that sounds lovely.

Hope so.

Of course, if history
is any indication,

my mother will swallow her whole

and spit out her bones
like an owl.

Have you met
Bernadette's parents?

You mean Adolf and Eva?

Not yet.

One goose step at a time.

Sheldon,
that's my water.

Oh, dear Lord!

That's not your water.

I know.

SHELDON:
Where's the mouthwash?!

"Where" indeed.

WOLOWITZ:
Ma, I'm home!

Where are you?

MRS. WOLOWITZ:
I'm in the toilet!

So, how'd it go?!

MRS. WOLOWITZ:
Too soon to say!

I'm not done yet!

No, I mean lunch, today,
with Bernadette!

MRS. WOLOWITZ:
Oh!

I had a pastrami
sandwich.

She had eggplant lasagna.

Like that's what a person
orders in a Jewish deli.

Besides food, did you get along?
Did you talk?

Oh, sure! Did you know
she's going to school

to become a
microbiologist?!

No, she never mentioned it.

I bet she did and
you didn't listen!

Yeah, that's probably it.
So, what do you think?

Do you like her?
She's great, huh?

She's a lovely girl!

Cute as a button!

That's good to hear,
'cause I've got some news.

I hope it's
good news,

because I've got nothing but
disappointment in here!

Bernadette and I
are getting married.

Ma?

You too busy bearing down?

Ma?

(loud thud)

Oh, my God, Ma? Ma? Ma?

Stand back,
I'm gonna break the door down!

Son of a bitch!
Ma, help!

Hey.

Hello.

Haven't
seen you in a while.

How's it going?

Oh, other than waiting out
the exponential growth period

of the virulent organisms

trooping through
my microvilli

into my circulatory system--
hunky-dory.

(giggles)

Did I say something
amusing?

I don't know, maybe,
I have no idea what you said.

So your mirth is merely
a discharge of nervous energy

with no semantic content at all?

My mirth. Classic.

Is there a station
coming up

where I can board your
giggling train of thought?

It's not a big deal, Sheldon.

It's just,
ever since Leonard's been

dating Raj's sister,
I've had to keep my distance.

I don't get to hear
all your jibber-jabber.

Jibber-jabber?!

I don't jibber-jabber.

What are you doing
at work these days?

Oh, I'm working on
time-dependent backgrounds

in string theory,

specifically quantum
field theory

in "d-dimensional"
de Sitter space.

Okay, come on, even you have
to admit that's jibber-jabber.

Interesting, do you know

where the phrase
"jibber-jabber" comes from?

Oh, my God,
you're about to jibber-jabber

about jibber-jabber.

Howard and his mother
are at the hospital.

- Come on, we gotta go.
- Oh, my God! What happened?

I don't know, I just got a text.
Come on, hurry.

Okay.

Sheldon, let's go!

To a hospital?!

Full of sick people?!

Oh, I don't think so.

Okay, well, your friend and his
mother are there, we're going.

I can't.

Oh, don't tell me you're
afraid of germs.

Not all germs.

Just the ones that will kill me.

It's the same way I'm not
afraid of all steak knives--

just the ones that might be
plunged in my thorax.

Fine, I'll tell Howard
you didn't come

because you're more concerned

about your own well-being
than his.

I would think
he would know that.

Okay, you know what?
You are unbelievable.

You buy all these
superhero T-shirts,

but when it's time for you

to step up
and do the right thing,

you just hide
in the laundry room.

Fine, I'll go.

Just for the record,
my Aunt Ruth died in a hospital.

She went in to
visit my Uncle Roger,

caught something and bit
the dust a week later.

The two of them
now share a coffee can

on my mother's mantel.

So I knocked down
the bathroom door,

picked up my poor
unconscious mother,

carried her to the car,

and drove like a madman
to the emergency room.

You're a real
hero, Howard.

No, I did what
any son would do.

Hang on a second--
you picked up your mother?

Her own legs
are barely able to do that.

I was filled
with adrenaline.

It happens to be how women
lift cars off babies.

Yeah, I'm saying,
it'd be easier to lift a car.

What can I tell you?
After I found the courage

to put her pants back on,
I was unstoppable.

So, how is she?

They're running tests--
I don't know.

It may have been a heart attack
or heart-attack-like event.

What's the difference?

A heart-attack-like event

is an event
that's like a heart attack.

Thanks for clearing that up.

Regardless, coronary problems
are eminently treatable.

What's more likely going
to kill Howard's mother

are the
antibiotic-resistant

super-bugs festering
in every nook and cranny

of this hospital.

Okay, you're not helping.

Disagree.

Go sit over there.

I'll sit over there--
it looks cleaner.

Is there a history of
heart disease in your family?

My family is the history
of heart disease.

There's a cave painting
in France

of one of my ancestors
doing this:

So it's probably genetic.

Well, maybe.

Mom also had just gotten some
news that might have upset her.

What?

It's not important.

Come on, Howard,
I'm going to be your wife.

You can share
anything with me.

You'd think that.
But no.

You told her we were
going to get married

and she had
a heart attack?

You can't take
that personally.

How else is she supposed
to take it?

What you've got to

keep in mind is that
ever since my dad left,

I've been the whole world
to my mother.

I mean, she'd be
threatened by any woman

who can give me
what she can't.

You mean sexual
intercourse?

Well, when you say it like
that you make it sound creepy.

What happened?

Howard's mother had
a heart attack

because I have
sex with him

and she can't.

Bernie, wait!

I'll give you $1,000
if you'll drive me home.

Nice of you to
come for Howard.

Well, he's my friend.
It's what you do.

(giggles)

I'm sorry, did
I miss something?

It's just so weird.

Howard Wolowitz
is my friend.

You know, once he tried to
stick his tongue down my throat

and I broke his nose.

That's a little easier
to believe

than he's your friend.

Yeah, tell me about it.

You know, my brother had a group
of friends like this in India.

They dressed up in leotards and
goggles and called themselves

the New Delhi
Power Rangers.

You mean when
he was little.

Not as little as
you'd want him to be.

You know,
this stuff is horrible.

You want to see if we
can find the cafeteria

and get real coffee?
Sure.

We're going to the cafeteria
to get some coffee.

You want anything?

I'm fine.

That's nice that
they're getting along.

Your girlfriend and your
ex-girlfriend are hanging out together?

Oh, yeah, that can
only be good for you.

What are you talking about?

One of them
broke up with you.

Do you really want her
telling the other one why?

I don't care.

I don't have
anything to hide.

Good, good.

Then you have nothing
to worry about.

No, I do not.

You are a mean little man.

(chuckles)

You'd think it'd be because
my parents didn't love me,

but actually they
loved me a great deal.

Bernie, it's not you.

She's just set
in her ways.

How can we be together
if the thought of us

getting married
might kill your mother?

It's the circle
of life, sweetie.

One day our son will marry
someone and it will kill you.

Howard, I have to go
to the bathroom

and no one
will take me home.

What's wrong with
the bathroom here?

Pneumococcus, streptococcus,
staphylococcus

and other assorted
coccuses.

Sheldon, my mother is
on her deathbed

and my fiancée is grief-stricken
over putting her there.

I'm not taking you home.

Will you at least

go with me to the restroom here,

so you can open the door
and flush the urinal?

No!

This might be a good time
to point out, Howard,

that friendship requires
a certain give and take.

Hold the door.

Mr. Wolowitz?

- Is she okay?
- It wasn't a heart attack.

She's awake, she's
resting comfortably--

we're still
running tests.

Can I see her?

Actually, she said,
and I quote,

she'd "like to see the
little Catholic girl first."

Me? Why me?

Jews have been asking
that for centuries.

There's no real good answer.

Okay, well,
wish me luck.

Don't worry,
you'll be fine.

Let's just hide Mr. Cross.

If it touches her, it burns.

You brought a Catholic girl
home to your mother?

Yeah.

Why don't I write you a
prescription for Xanax.

Finally.

(coughs)

(monitors beeping)

Oh, what fresh hell is this?

Wait, you can't leave here,
you've been exposed.

No, I haven't.

It's all good.

You want to talk
about crazy mothers,

Leonard's mom wouldn't give him
any sort of approval growing up.

Oh, the poor thing.

It makes him desperate
to please women.

That's why the foreplay
goes on and on.

It does, doesn't it?

It's like he's
trying to win a prize.

A word of advice--
don't doze off.

You will never hear
the end of it.

(muffled):
Help me!

Come back!

Penny!

There are a couple of
things I did with Penny

that might be a
little silly, but...

Like what?

Every once in a while,
before we'd go to bed,

I'd put on a little show
for her.

What do you mean
"a show"?

Well, you know,
the way I took my clothes off.

Like, to music?

I'd look pretty stupid
if there was no music.

So you'd do
a striptease?

I wasn't swinging
around a pole.

Good, good.

There was one time
I put body glitter on.

Well, I don't think
you have to worry

about Penny telling
my sister that.

No, she wouldn't.

Your big problem
is me telling her.

You really are
a mean little man.

Oh, God, that's so true.

I know, right?

Hey, what took
you guys so long?

Oh, we were
just chatting.

That's nice.
What about?

We were just
comparing notes

about how you are
in the sack.

(laughing)

(laughing)

That's funny.
Yeah.

What if she
wasn't kidding?

It doesn't matter.

I'm the king of foreplay.

Hey, how'd it go?

You're a putz.

You know what that means?

Yeah. Do you?

Your mother just
taught it to me.

She thinks she got food
poisoning from that deli

and she just wanted
to make sure I was okay.

And are you?

No, because I'm
engaged to a putz.

You let me believe I was the
reason she had a heart attack.

Well, based on the
available evid--

Shut up!

She said I'm
a wonderful girl

and that you're
lucky to have me.

Where are you going?

(like Mrs. Wolowitz):
To the toilet!

Is that okay with you?!

Is it just me, or does she
sound sexy when she's angry?

Mountain Elf.

He takes the elf
from off the shelf.

Hell Hounds.

Hell Hounds-- who let
the Satanic dogs out?

Who? Who-who?

Colossal Serpent.

I got a colossal
serpent right here.

Must you?

Sorry, I'm just trying
to cheer my buddy up.

Rotting Zombie.

Sheldon's new
Facebook photo.

Zandor, Wizard of the North.

Ha! I win.

If you skip the part about being

under a two-week quarantine
because you were exposed

to a deadly disease--
absolutely.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==