Original subtitles

The Captain from Cologne

Director

West German Courier!

Last day of the drug trial!

West German Courier!

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West German Courier!

The miracle of German business! Sunday's lottery results!

Sensational twist in drug trial.

The miracle of German business! 30 blond women under cross examination!

30 blond women under cross examination. Sensational twist in drug case!

The miracle of German business! Detective as car thief!

West German Courier!

I don't have any small change. -Oh man, I always have to give change, too!

Here, I'll pay for the lady.

It's not worth discussing.

Oh, that's what you meant. Just a moment.

Here you are, and thanks again.

Sir, would you like a sausage? -No, thanks, I'm full.

May I take your order, sir? -Is this all you have to offer?

Admittedly yes, sir.

I have a hankering for rock lobsters, � la Francaise.

My apologies, sir. -Hmm, and stuffed artichokes?

Unfortunately we don't have that either, sir.

Let me speak to the manager. -Certainly.

Yes, sir, what can I do for you? -I'm looking for a job.

Pardon me?

My name is Hauptmann. I am a waiter with first-class expertise.

International experience in the best establishments.

Je parle Fran�ais. I speak English. Parlo Italiano. Hablo Espa�ol.

And I'm telling you in German, I have no openings. But you have earned a cognac.

Ready when you are.

Well, that's not exactly a Martell, is it?

Martell, Cordon Bleu. We used to have a warehouse full of them.

Back then in France, in the Officers' Casino.

I ran the whole place. I was the headwaiter.

What do you want? -That's a good one. I live here.

No, Mr. Hauptmann, you did live here.

Haven't paid rent in 4 months. After all, I'm not a charity.

As of today, this man lives here.

But Mrs. Schmitz you can't just, in the middle of the night... -When else?

During the day I never see you. True? You see.

And your possessions are staying put as collateral.

But Mrs. Schmitz, give me at least one suitcase; the small one.

And what about my 128 marks?

You'll have to write those off anyway unless you give me the small suitcase.

My suit is in there; my black one. I can't get work anywhere without it.

Well, for all I care! And hand over the key, young man.

There.

Don't forget where I live.

Morning.

Man, what do you look like? -Just the same as I feel.

Treat me to a schnapps.

Morning. -A beer. -A Korn schnapps. -Another Korn

Good morning. -Good morning, gentlemen!

Hey, front me a mark, will you? I'll try again with that dime.

Bartender, a round for my men. Comrade, how many of us are there?

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14!

14 beers and 14 cognacs.

Give me another mark. -No, little man. Not likely.

You're better off going over to the Prince Regent. There's a big pub.

The soldiers are congregating. Maybe they need a supervisory waiter.

Prince Regent? Do you happen to have a decent razor blade?

Next you'll be demanding a whole bridal trousseau.

Reserved for convention attendees! Other enquiries are futile.

I'm sorry, are you the manager? -Sir, I don't even know where my

head is anymore. Please take a seat. I'll be with you in a moment.

Lieutenant.

OK, gentlemen, please, this way to the elevators.

Have a seat, comrade. I'll be right back.

Captain.

Major!

Is this seat taken, comrade?

Man, what are you thinking? Supervisory waiter?!

Not even my regular staff has enough to do!

And then I'm supposed to hire a supervisor?

No need to overreact.

Captain? Comrade, I have a room with a double bed for you.

Then the lieutenant and I can share a room.

Captain Siebert, Lieutenant Drahlburg. -Captain Siebert. Lieutenant Drahlburg.

Room 412.

So you two will be sharing one? -Of course.

Lieutenant M�ller, Joachim. -Lieutenant M�ller... -Joachim.

Captain... Hans Albert.

Captain Albert and Lieutenant M�ller. Room 414.

Please, gentlemen.

Allow me. Allow me, Captain.

Lieutenant! -This way -Major!

Lieutenant Kissner, old chap! You're still alive? -But of course.

From where do I know you? -Minsk, 1943. Transitional sickbay.

Captain Nicholas. -Yes!

This is incredible!

I'm hunkered down in Westerwald, in some dump.

A friend of mine has a manor there.

But I'll get something else eventually. A big day today.

Isn't that right, Captain?

This does a world of good after the trip.

Was there a lot of foreign travel, Captain?

Lisbon, Ghent, Vienna, Paris.

Buenos Aires? What?

You were in Argentina, Captain? -But of course.

Then you must have encountered General Gallant in the plane.

What's he up to now? Is he still a military advisor for those Indians?

Yes, still.

You been back for a long time, Captain. -No, it hasn't been long.

You were also a military advisor. Or an instructor, or something like that.

I understand. Yup, our best ones don't let their bones rust, right Captain?

Captain, permit me a moment with an old pal. -Why of course, comrade.

Say, is there a place to sit somewhere? -There, sir.

Gentlemen, may I join you? -Sure thing, as long as there's enough goulash.

Attention!

Dig in!

This is tasty!

Pardon me, Captain. Tables have been set for the officers over there.

Right.

Man, M�ller! Lieutenant M�ller!

Kilian! I knew you would be here.

Won't you join me at my table? -But of course.

First Lieutenant Kilian, Captain Albert.

Please be seated, gentlemen.

The captain just returned to Germany. He has been in Argentina the whole time.

You know how it is. Late returnee.

And, what are our comrades doing over there?

Oh, most of them are advisors. Military advisors for these Indians.

They're seeing their chance, eh?

Pardon me, Captain. Major Poppe's coming over. I'll introduce you.

Permit me to introduce. Captain Albert, Major Poppe.

The Captain recently returned from Argentina. Late returnee. -Oh?

I'm sorry, comrade, what was the name again?

Albert, Major. Captain Albert. -Albert, of course.

Captain Hans Albert? -Yes, Major.

Weren't you in Alsace in September, 1944?

Yes, that's right. Yes, Major. Alsace.

In Field Marshal General Kesselmeyer's cadre? -Yes, Major.

You see, my affinity for names. As special envoy? -That's right.

Then it is you, Captain Albert. Welcome back to the Homeland.

You know, we had long written you off as dead. -Really? -Yes.

Well, I nearly did die.

Do you remember the artillery captain in the Belfort Basin?

The one you had promoted to major by radio command?

Yes, of course, of course. -Well, there you go! That was me, Major Poppe.

May I belatedly congratulate you on your promotion? -I'm sorry? Oh, great joke!

Come, Captain, you must take your place at the chairman's table.

Yes, yes, please, it's a great honour for us to have a man like you. Come.

-Gentlemen! -Sir!

I have often thought of you, Captain. How have you been, anyway?

It must have been quite dicey for you back then, huh? -And how!

I'd rather not talk about it. -Oh yes, I understand!

Your boss.

Crazy times! A Field Marshal General in prison! In his own country.

Unprecedented.

What did you say was the name of the comrade?

Albert, General. Captain Albert.

Comrades, General Haudorf has a few things to say.

Comrades, we are back!

We are needed, and we can be depended upon.

I don't want to say more on this subject right now.

A soldier doesn't speak much. He acts.

Comrades, it is propitious for us to be able to have in our midst

brave men who were forced to find refuge in foreign countries in 1945.

My dear Captain Albert.

Let us welcome you!

On this matter I would also like to say no more right now.

As you know: caution, the enemy is listening.

Comrades, why is our enemy now?

All those irredeemable citizens who pester us with their blather about peace.

Because, comrades, peace is an eternal illusion, and to put it bluntly,

not even a good illusion.

Madam. Mayor.

Well, is the room full? -Full to bursting.

Everything is going according to plan. -Good composition?

Well, perhaps too few real grunts. Too many paymasters, quartermasters.

Of course. The lazy bums just want to get back to the trough. -Yeah!

What's new? -Well, there's a comrade from Argentina. A Captain Albert.

He was on the so-called list of war criminals.

Interesting. Give me a report about this man tomorrow. -Yes sir, Mr. Mayor.

Well, my dear captain. To your successful career.

Now, gentlemen, you'll have to excuse me. I want to mingle with my men a bit.

It's a pity your boss couldn't be with us.

All things must pass, even for life.

Lieutenant Colonal von Drachwitz.

Would you do us the pleasure, Captain?

I'm at your service. Gentlemen.

So the bloke throws the paintbrush at my feet and says to me,

"Corporal, I can't paint you any better than that".

And this guy calls himself an artist! I sure gave it to him!

"Hey, you jackass, watch my thumbs! Lie down! Get up! Lie down! Get up!"

"I'm going to stretch your mutton legs, you pig! Lie down! Put on the gas mask!"

"A twist on the belt buckle. Faster! Get up! Lie down! Get up!"

Until the water in his ass boiled.

Well, what do you say? Our boys are getting their humour back.

At the next deployment I finished him off: "Hey, you so-called painter,

in two hours I want a first-rate sketch of Enemy Bunker Emil 1. Get out of here!"

So the dummy traipses on a mine. Nothing was left of him but a splash of blood.

But no more paintbrush.

The Yanks, the canopy-bed soldiers.

If they didn't have us they'd be drinking water.

Dead certain. -Yes.

Recently someone said to me, "Where the German soldier stands, no eye stays dry."

Right, Captain? Well then. Cheers!

The flag on high! The ranks tightly closed!

Wait a bit, comrade. It isn't time yet. Unfortunately, it isn't time yet.

Those ladies over there, they just go go all weak-kneed over guys like us.

Imagine, one night I was walking on the Avenida de Mayo in Buenos Aires,

when a convertible suddenly stops next to me. Highly elegant. Ivory-lacquered.

And inside is a woman. Slim, drop-dead gorgeous.

In a word: sugar!

She beckons a newsboy and hands him a 1000-peso bill.

The poor guy didn't have change, so I ran, paid for the paper, and gave it

to the beauty. She responds, "Gracias, senor".

Then she outright urges me, in Spanish of course, to get into her car.

Well, I understand Spanish, so I get into the car and she takes off!

And then what? -Caution, the enemy is listening in.

Gentlemen, please excuse me. I want to mingle a bit.

Attention!

At ease, folks.

Well, comrades, which troop were you in? -Africacorps! -Artillery! -Tanks!

Let's raise a glass. To our ole iron coffins!

Comrades! Attention! -Quiet over there!

Comrades, our enemy is the civilian!

He always only wants peace. But peace, comrades, is not a dream.

Er, I mean, peace is an illusion, in fact a nice... ah, to hell with it.

Doesn't matter.

We know one thing: we have to apply pressure and make noise!

Quiet! -One thing is clear, and no one can contest it:

Where the German soldier stands, he stands steadfast!

He stands!

Go! Help him up!

Please excuse the bother. -Whom do you want? -Captain Albert.

From the mayor.

That's fine, thanks. Oh, just a sec.

Thanks very much.

Esteemed Comrade, Welcome to the homeland.

I'll gladly be at your service for advice and help.

Yours sincerely, Dr. D. Seekatz

Hi, K�bis. -Hi. -A seltzer and a double Fuhrmann.

I guess it worked out well for you yesterday.

Boozed heavily?

Hm, not too bad.

Tell me, do you know Dr. Seekatz?

Whom?

The mayor. -What do you want with him?

I have a letter of recommendation from him. Gimme another double Fuhrmann.

Man, how did you manage that again?!

Yeah, well, one just has to know how to handle these people.

Say, K�bis, the manager position in the new council cellar is still available, no?

Mm hm.

Hey, that would be something for me! -The Fuhrmanns must have

gone to your head. 2.20 DM. -Not so rough. I'm still a little low on cash.

But you're always a huge braggart. At the expense of others.

Flowers, cigars.

Manager in the council cellar! I guess you can't go any higher.

No, no higher than that.

But it's good enough for me.

West German Courier! Police Captain arrested in house of ill repute!

Terror on the highway! Banker's body found next to car!

West German Courier! Police Captain arrested in house of ill repute!

Good evening. -Ah, the man with the dime.

The man with the flowers. -Do you give all girls flowers?

I would need a big flower shop for that. I have been waiting here for you.

I have to go catch my bus now. -May I accompany you?

Are you going on a trip? -No, I just got back from a trip.

I was in Westerwald over the weekend; at a friend's place; he has a manor there.

Ah, you obviously travel a lot. -It comes with my job.

What's your job? -Hotel and catering industry. And you?

Cosmetician. -Ah, interesting.

And where do you work? -Oh, you wouldn't know. In Salon Antoinette.

And you? -Well, it looks like I'll be changing jobs very soon.

Until now, I was the headwaiter at the Black Bear,

but I've been offered a new position there.

I just don't know if I should take it. -That depends on the position.

Well, it's a terrific job. Manager in the council cellar.

What would you say if... I don't even know your name.

You haven't introduced yourself either. -I'm sorry.

Albert Hauptmann. -Hannelore Ulrich.

So, Ms. Hannelore, what would you say if one were to recommend you become

the manager of a cosmetic salon? -Well, sadly, no one has had that idea.

See you again! -See you! But when? Where?

Attention! Europe Express,

to Basel, Frankfurt, Cologne, Amsterdam, with a through-carriage to Stockholm,

is 27 minutes late.

NEW COUNCIL CELLAR

Is there no service here? -When the cat's out, the mice dance on the tables.

Leadership is what's missing here.

How does it work here? Are the guests or the waiters having breakfast?

What shall I get you? -You must have a wine bar. -Of course. This way.

How many patrons do you get here on an average day? -400 to 500.

If this place were brought into good shape... not bad.

You think that's the new manager? -Who knows?

Bring the man in fast.

And call the council cellar and tell them to bring me a bottle of Mosel.

The mayor is waiting.

Captain Albert. Welcome.

I expected you yesterday.

Yes, well, Mr. Mayor, I had... formalities with my luggage at the train station.

Ah, I understand. You are staying in Cologne, I hope.

That depends on the circumstances. -Ah, we'll master the circumstances.

I wanted to talk to you about just that. About your future.

Yes, exactly. You see, my future gives me cause for concern.

But I hope that with your help I will have the opportunity... -Many opportunities.

A man like you, Captain...

I was thinking about a position... I have certain qualifications.

Especially the trait we Germans so desperately need: military toughness.

Especially my foreign experience. I speak English, French, Italian, Spanish.

And Russian, too? Russian would be very important for later.

Yes, I can learn that very fast. I already know "panimayou".

For now, however, you'll have to be happy with a civilian area of activity.

I could give you a suggestion for that: A post as personnel manager.

Surely you know Rhein-Ruhr-Montan, Inc.?

Yes, sure. Mr. Mayor...

I was actually thinking of something completely different, Mr. Mayor.

Namely, here. -Here, in city hall?

But yes, down here in city hall.

Enjoy.

My dear Captain, we can't take any obvious actions at the moment.

We would just get endless grief from the brothers on the left.

Believe me, for now such a posting is just the right thing for someone like you.

Seekatz. Yes, Mr. Assemblyman, we are together right now.

You still live in the Prince Regent? Yes, in the Prince Regent, Mr. Assemblyman.

Good, I will tell him. Goodbye, Assemblyman.

Dr. Brandst�tter, the party leader of the federal Republican Party.

He'll give you a call. By the way, do you have proper accommodations?

Oh, depending on how one looks at it. -You can use the apartment of

honoured guests of the city.

By the way, I don't want to be indiscreet, but, maybe you are in a temporary pickle.

Oh, no, it's not worth discussing. -But, Captain, no false pride.

I'll use funds for especially accomplished late returnees.

Just a trifle, to begin with. Please take it. DM 1000.

I assume you also have your pension claim. We'll leave that alone for now.

Let's allow the whole thing to blow over first.

My dear Captain...

Good day. Does Retired Captain Hans Albert live here?

Captain Albert? But my husband was killed. In the last days of the war.

So you are the widow.

On August 17th, '52, you moved from Koblenz. -Yes.

Criminal Investigation Division. Just a formality.

You received a notification from the regiment about the death of your husband.

Hans... Mr. Karjanke?

What's wrong? -Please bring me the missing person's report of my late husband.

The matter originates with the French.

An extradition request in connection with a trial. -A trial?

Well, because of so-called war crimes.

Reprisals against civilians, the shooting of a hostage, burning down a village, etc.

My lodger, Mr. Karjanke.

I understand. But you actually need an official death certificate.

You can apply for one at the courthouse. With witnesses, it's open-and-shut.

So... dead. -Yes, dead.

Many died in the war.

That went well. -Well? You almost sent me to the gallows.

He didn't even recognize you. -And how! He just closed his eyes.

But not everyone will be as reasonable as him.

What a crackpot idea of yours anyway!

As a lodger at my own widow's house! -Because you're safest with me.

No, you were just afraid that I would go out and find new women.

Move out, if you prefer.

You know what? You'll go to the court and request the death certificate.

And you'll name me as witness. -Have you lost your mind! You, of all people?

Of course. Who else should stand as witness to my death?

Then the matter of Captain Albert is irrevocably closed.

My dear Captain Albert.

As the general director of this company, let me welcome you to your new

field of work as director of personnel.

This is your personal assistant, Franzke, one of our most reliable employees.

Captain, your closest co-workers are assembled to be introduced to you.

Aha, co-workers. The closest ones.

In case the captain wishes to widen his circle. A sort of appeal?

Yes, sure, an appeal.

Too bad you weren't around to know our boss.

During the war. As leader of the weapons industry.

Yeah, let me tell you, if the F�hrer hadn't had him,

he would have already been finished in 1943.

Astounding! -And such a man sits in prison as a war criminal.

Hard to believe.

Captain, I'm here to announce that the men in your section have all assembled.

And where were you during the war? -I was deferred from military service.

You weren't in the field? -Unfortunately not, Captain.

But I got the War Merit Cross for a smooth deployment in the interior.

Well, there are also very brave civilians.

Folks!

Ladies and gentlemen, please stand at ease.

So, what are we Germans most in need of these days?

Military toughness. Always precise, always clean. Immaculate service.

I expect these real German virtues of you.

So, that is all.

A soldier doesn't talk, he acts.

Attention! At ease!

Ladies and gentlemen, that is all!

Well, Captain, what sort of impression do you have of your co-workers?

Oh, a bit lethargic, uh, broken-backed, those people.

But not bad material. I'll get them in shape.

To MP Dr. Brandst�tter, OK? -Very well, Director.

Captain Albert. Is that right?

Yes, this is just how I imagined you. -That makes me happy, my dear lady.

You'll have to excuse my husband. He was suddenly called to see the Chancellor.

He'll be coming.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is our honoured guest.

Incredible! No one with such a litany of sins would have dared come back.

Let me tell you in confidence,

we have made greater strides than you think, my dear Doctor.

Miss Farber, the famous tennis champion.

And this is my friend, Daisy Pferdapfel, the daughter of your president.

Madam.

Come, Captain, take a seat.

Well, Captain, have you re-acclimated yourself a bit by now?

All of this is still a little new to me, of course.

Always this Daisy girl. I'd like to know what the men see in her.

Hm, all the millions!

Tell me, Captain, are the women in South America really all so hot-blooded?

Hot-blooded? And how!

Ah, the squire savours but stays mum.

Ladies, do you know what made the greatest impression on me over there?

The catering industry. Yes, yes!

The establishments, the cafes, the hotels. I'm telling you, simply sublime.

I mean, what service! Every waiter was like a secretary.

Captain Albert, please forgive my lateness.

I come with a joyous message for you, and for all of us.

Confidential for now. Our honourable President Pferdapfel will soon be

with us once again. We are needed after all.

Madam. It's all fleeting. Even a lifetime.

Oh, I admire your robust military humour.

Whom does the captain remind me of...?

Do you know that you have a doppelg�nger here in the city?

Yes, a real doppelg�nger!

In the Black Bear, they used to have a headwaiter who could've been your twin.

Amazing, huh? -Hermann!

My dear Captain, you have come at just the right time.

I don't know. I have a weakness for this sort of man.

Director!

The signature folder, and above all, your workplace ID. -Ah, thank you.

Can I do anything else?

These are a couple of buggers. Especially this guy, Steinmetz.

They established a singing group here,

but they emit different tones than one would think.

I would have liked to throw them out long ago.

You'll have to corral them, Director.

OK. Is there anything else? -Two new recruits.

Here a businessman. Speaks perfect English. Excellent references.

Should I bring him in? -That's not necessary.

And here we have a canteen operator for Plant 2.

This man is OK. Impeccable references.

Canteen operator? -That's right.

I'd like to have a look at him. -Certainly.

So, Mr. Dammstedt, you were recommended to us. We don't have to waste much time.

Just a little field exam, so to speak.

So, let's assume you have to set the table for a banquet.

What would you focus special attention on? Well? Well?

Well, the cutlery, man!

The cutlery should be even and lie a constant distance from the table edge,

namely the plate should abut the adjacent piece of cutlery.

A professional should understand this in his sleep.

Where did you train? -Train? Just sort of on the job, in the military.

I was never exposed to the intricacies there.

Aha.

Well then, a final question culled from canteen experience.

How many baker's plums do you need for 100 portions of jam, if each is 100 grams?

You don't know that either, huh?

Baker's plums yield 8 times their dry weight as jam.

So, 100 times 100 makes 10 kilos, divided by 8 makes 1.25 kilo dry goods.

Is that right? -I think so, Director.

Well, my dear fellow, a canteen operator must understand a bit of his profession,

and that one can only get by studying. I'm sorry.

Director, we need reliable people in the canteen.

The industrial unions hold their meetings there. We need to be informed. -Oh.

You are hired.

It's amazing how much you know, Director, even in such an offbeat profession.

Well, my dear man, people like us must find our way in every situation,

otherwise I wouldn't be able to be director of personnel here.

So, tomorrow at 8 a.m.

Well, I never! May I congratulate, Director? -Thank you kindly.

I'm sure you want to say, "The man with the bonbons".

Shall we do something together? -Why not?

What would you like to do? -I've actually never been to the council cellar.

Oh, in the evenings there's nothing going on in the council cellar.

You see, the place has to be spruced up a bit first.

I'm more in favour of something cheerful, something atmospheric. A place with music.

My father was a sort of disabled seaman.

Do you know the ferry over the Rhine at Benrath? -Yes, of course.

My father was the ferryman. But everyone called him "Captain".

And why don't you guess where I got my start. Here.

Here in this restaurant, 21 years ago, as a boy.

I was this small back then, and I had a high, stiff collar with bent corners.

On the very first night I earned 3 marks in tips.

You know what I did? Hailed a cab, to be chauffeured home like some millionaire.

I bet your dad spanked you.

No, I brought him a fat Brasil and a blue porcelain brooch for Mom.

Yeah, yeah, you know all about giving gifts.

Who's supposed to pay for this? Who ordered this? Who has this much dough?

Shall we dance? -Mm hm.

District Court - Receiving Office for Death Announcements

So, witness, you have explained...

At the battles around Neubrandenburg, my battalion commander, Captain Albert,

was mortally wounded and died in my arms on April 29th, 1945 at 4 p.m.

That's exactly right, Your Honour. I can still see the Bolshevik bullet hitting

my comrade. In the middle of the heaviest barrage, he raised his arm

for a Hitler salute, and shouted with blazing eyes and a clear voice,

"Comrade Karjanke, hand me over to our Jesus Christ!"

I buried him myself.

You know what's next? We get married. -The two of us?

That's right! Then we'll be rid of all fears.

Director! Director! Have you heard? President Pferdapfel is being released.

I know, I know. I'm supposed to prepare something for the reception.

But what?

As with the wedding of our president, in '27. I still remember it well.

But this time... -How was the wedding anyway? -Unforgettable!

Like the coronation of a king. And to cap it off, the president's favourite

song, "The Watch on the Rhine". The president's eyes brimmed with tears.

I have it! What was the name of that guy from the other day? Huh? The musician.

You don't mean Mr. Steinmetz, do you? -Steinmetz, that's right.

Miss Schultz, send Steinmetz over right away. The one from the choir group.

Max, the personnel director wants to see you.

Yes. Yes, yes, Director General. Yes, I'm already working on it.

I think you will be pleased. Yes.

Sir, Mr. Steinmetz is here. -Send him in.

Hi.

So you are this super-musician? -That's me.

What kind of songs does your choir sing? -Oh, an assortment.

"Am Brunnen vor dem Tore", "Loreley".

Sometimes we even sing, "Br�der, zur Sonne, zur Freiheit".

Is that right? And "The Watch on the Rhine",

our boss's favourite song, isn't on your playlist, huh?

Oh, you know, sir, that's not really our thing. -Mm hm.

And "Whose bread I eat, his song I sing"; that you don't know either?

No, we don't know that song either.

Man! Steinmetz, you must sing "The Watch on the Rhine"!

Our president is returning. The company must welcome him worthily.

Mr. Pferdapfel? I thought he's in the clink? -He'll be out in two days.

I see! That's something else entirely.

Well then, Steinmetz. That makes me happy.

So, Franzke, it'll all work out. The choir will sing "The Watch on the Rhine".

Really? -Yes, but something's still missing. Something extraordinary.

Something like... champagne with oysters.

Come in.

Oh, hello Captain! How do you do? -Very well, thank you. Thank you.

You are charming. Charming! Wonderful, wonderful!

How do you like my boudoir? -Very cute.

It's from France. I have no qualms telling you.

My dad arranged it for me while on an inspection trip during the war.

It was the boudoir of the famous Madame de Tremoncourt.

The most prominent prostitute of the 18th century.

Aha, the one with all the lovers. -Lovers? She couldn't sort them all out.

Sometimes she was with one, and the next one was already knocking at the door.

One time even the king had to wait outside.

Naturally, that was incredibly embarrassing to him.

That's why she had a special setup built in. This door.

Behind it, an exit directly to the street.

Headquarters with emergency exit.

Hannelore, I'll need you to stay a little longer today. -Oh, but I can't!

I have an assignation.

But you know very well Madam Ehrenrat only likes to be served by you.

Oh, this dolled-up camel!

Then I have to let him know right away!

May I speak to the general manager? -Certainly. Mr. Sch�pke, a lady.

Yes, please? -I wanted to speak to the manager.

That's me. What can I do for you? -Yes, but...

I thought... Isn't Mr. Hauptmann here?

Do you know a Mr. Hauptmann?

Hauptmann? We've never had anyone by that name here.

Please forgive me.

Yep, I still see my father standing before me. As captain.

You see, he had just become U-boot commander. I was this small at the time.

Suddenly the doorbell rings. Standing there is the admiral's orderly.

Order: You are to immediately go out into the South Atlantic.

Well, and then... U-boot gone. Father gone. -The sub was sunk?

But not by the enemy! He gave the order himself.

1918, when the news came that we had lost the war,

he stepped onto the bridge and saluted the waving flag one last time.

Then, without batting an eyelash, he sank beneath the waves.

With the whole crew? -No. They sat placidly in the lifeboats and watched.

And you, Captain? You won't tell me any of your own war stories?

Oh, I don't like to talk about it.

I admire you so, Captain. Your quiet heroism.

Well, unfortunately I have to go now. -Oh!

That's too bad.

West German Courier! Flying saucers over Braunschweig!

Please don't be angry at me. -Thank you very much, Manager.

Oh, retired manager. -Already retired?

Oh, you know, the council cellar is much too run-down.

And besides, I have a far better prospect. My friend, whom I recently visited...

The one with the manor? -Yes, the one with the manor. So, a splendid position!

You see, he's a top dog at Rhine-Ruhr- Montan, Inc. Personnel director.

And what do you think I am now?

His private secretary. Yes, but I'm only doing this for a short time.

Do you not like this position either? -Oh, yes, I do.

But it's not the thing for me for the long term.

I'll do it a couple more months, save a little money, and then I'll find a bar

somewhere far away. Make myself self-sufficient.

Mr. Host. And then I'd only need a nice, hard-working hostess.

Shall we go into here? -Mm hm. -Very well, let's go in.

Table for two, for the gentleman and lady? Fine.

Some champagne. -Certainly.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our house band,

The Desert Foxes, the band of the magnificent Africa Corps.

The heart laughs and every leg twitches. Rhythm, fire, heavy barrage!

Sir, madam, after you?

A friend of a friend. And the lady is a famous tennis champion.

Well, well, the captain has settled down quickly, hasn't he?

Shall we dance? Why not? -I don't want to right now.

What's wrong? Hannelore?

Well, spit it out.

My father... he was killed in Africa.

Waiter. -Yes, sir? -Another bottle of champagne. -Sure thing.

Come, it's better if we go.

The covenant for life, which you are entering, is of an extraordinary sort.

The fulfillment of a promise, which you made on the battlefield to a dying

comrade, to relieve his concern for his widow.

Who wouldn't want to join the poet in calling out: Loyalty is no empty delusion.

And so I ask you, Mr. Hans... -Karjanke. -Karjanke.

Are you desirous of entering into marriage with Mrs. Adele Albert?

I am. -And you, Mrs. Adele Albert, do you desire to marry Mr. Hans Karjanke?

Hey, now we're husband and wife again. -Now anyone can knock at the door.

That a dead man married his widow... No one will figure that one out.

Let them live well! Let them live well! Three cheers!

Let them live well! Let them live well! Three cheers!

Just a couple of weeks ago, she insisted to me that she didn't want to marry again,

because then she would lose her Officer's pension. And now, all of a sudden...

I was also flabbergasted. Suddenly she's getting married.

Hey, Karjanke, you really missed something recently.

The fellowship evening. Top-notch!

Yes, I heard about it. But I had to go touring that evening. You know that.

All of the notables showed up. And the kicker was a comrade who everyone

thought was dead.

He pops up out of nowhere, freshly imported from Argentina.

A certain Captain Albert.

Albert? Captain Albert? -From Kesselmeyer's headquarters.

Do you know him, by chance?

But he was killed, on the eastern front. -Nonsense. He's alive. And how!

What were you saying? Came back from Argentina?

The French were after him back then, so he took off across the ocean.

You don't say! -Man, we celebrated him!

Now he's director at Montan, Inc. Unbelievable, huh?

Unbelievable.

And now, dear listeners, we are witnesses to the celebratory moment,

for which reason we have found ourselves gathered at this gate.

Alfred Pferdapfel von Kohlen und Stahlbach, the uncrowned king of Rhein-Ruhr industry,

takes his first steps in his newly earned freedom.

This is an especially valuable new employee of your firm. Captain Albert.

Recently returned from Argentina.

Weaponsmith and weapon-carrier, finally hand-in-hand again.

One question, Mr. President, for the American Spectator.

What's the first thing you plan to do now that you have been released?

I will recuperate. -For a long time? -Let's say, for 24 hours.

Munich Evening Standard. Were you amazed by your early release, Mr. President?

I was amazed back when I was arrested. -West German Press Corporation:

Mr. President, it has been claimed that you held board-of-director meetings

in your jail cell. -Maybe.

You supposedly... Norsk Dagblad... You supposedly had consultations with

imprisoned generals in their cells. -Perhaps.

Can you tell us which subjects were discussed?

We talked about the prospect of freedom.

Rhine-Westfalian Iron and Steel Works, Inc.

Hellbush Coal Mine, Inc.

Bochum-Hasdrubal Coal Mine, Inc.

United Ruhr-Steel, Inc.

Iron-ore Mine Siegen, Inc.

Steelworks Duisburg, Inc.

Plate-rolling Ruhrgarten, Inc.

Pipe Mill M�hlheim, Inc.

Bitumen Processing Aachen, Inc.

Mr. President, it is my great joy and honour to herewith hand you the

certificate concerning the return of your family's ancestral holdings.

Worth over 2 billion altogether.

The watch on the Rhine stands firmly and loyally.

The cry resounds like thunder's peal,

Like crashing waves and clang of steel:

On the Rhine, on the Rhine, on the German Rhine.

We won't fall into it again!

Things have gone so well here for so long.

Gone well, gone well.

When the eel hangs in the confederacy, the eel is caught.

And so we ask, sir, tell us:

Who is supposed to pay for this? -Stop it! Stop it

Who ordered this? Who has so much dough? Who has so much money?

Man, that was great! -I'd watch a broadcast like this anyday.

You can believe me, Mr. President, and you too, Dr. Brandst�tter,

I, too, was completely taken off guard.

Of all things, "The Watch on the Rhine" sung by a choir of workers!

How insensitive of the captain!

Moreover, it's a snub of our French allies.

Pfft!

Did Pferdapfel Industries become what it is because of an alliance with the French?

Incidentally, we still have a score to settle with our French allies.

Of course, President, of course.

But still, the captain is lacking a certain tact.

I don't think we can keep him. -Are you serious!

One cannot simply let a proven old soldier fall.

Exactly. Just because he let himself go once.

Here. Incomprehensible!

Cannons made of chocolate. Ten thousand pieces.

The captain wanted to give these to the kids of our servants.

Luckily I managed to prevent that in time.

But why? That was very thoughtful. -Cannons? With the collective mood?

One can hardly be more inept.

I think, my dear Dinkelburg, you aren't seeing this quite right.

Cannons are out of vogue right now, but one eats the chocolate.

And given time, one gets accustomed to the cannons again.

Chocolate-glazed cannons! The man has an uncanny political instinct.

A real feeling for how to grab the people.

He belongs in the Bundestag as a legislator.

That's where we need such people. The time for hide-and-seek is over.

At the moment, the contingent is complete. -See to it that you wangle him in.

Anyway, I would like to learn more about this captain.

Pay the field marshal a another visit and enquire.

We won't find a more credible information source anywhere.

I will give him the creeps. You can count on it.

Be careful. It can easily go awry.

Is the general director back already? -No, not yet?

Has he called? -Unfortunately not.

Well, well. That's fine.

A lady to see you, Director. -A lady?

Who is it? -She refused to give her name.

She's here on a confidential matter. -Well, I suppose so.

But, madam... what is it?

Please calm yourself.

It would be truly unlikely...

But, a lonely woman clings to any hope.

Can I help you in any way? -Oh, how is anyone supposed to help me?

My late husband. Gone since '44.

But sometimes I think he's still alive.

At night I am awoken. It feels as if he is lying next to me.

I sympathize with your sorrow, madam, but what has led you to me?

Someone told me about your return, and so I thought maybe...

My husband was also named Albert. Captain Hans Albert.

Captain Albert? That name is pretty common.

In which company was your husband?

In the staff of General Field Marshal Kesselmeyer.

As special envoy? -That's right.

Did you know him? -No, not personally.

But I heard much about him. Didn't he distinguish himself somehow back then?

In Alsace, I think, right? -Oh, don't talk about that.

If my husband were still alive, he'd be sitting in prison somewhere now.

B-b-but why... in prison?

The French want to bring him to trial. -For heaven's sake!

But why? -If only I knew.

The police have been harassing me. -That's terrible.

One must... You must... You must live in constant fear. -That's exactly it.

Please forgive me for taking up your time.

Not at all, madam. Your visit was exceedingly valuable to me.

Damn it!

Director, just a couple more signatures. -Not now. I have to go.

A death in the family. -Oh! My sincerest condolences.

Yes, a relative with whom I was very close.

The news has hit so close to home, I feel as if I have died myself.

Hannelore! Hannelore!

Problems at the office? -No. -You look so disturbed.

Oh, you know, it's my friend. He's behaving so bizarrely. -Ah!

Besides, the whole thing is no fun. All this paperwork is not for me.

I'm cut out for the catering industry.

The best thing for me would be my own little establishment.

You'd have to win the lotto for that. -Lotto? It can work without the lotto.

Really? -Look, 2500 marks.

That's enough for now.

Somewhere far away. Maybe Hamburg. I'm sick and tired of the Cologne scene.

Would you like Hamburg? -"Hi there, Mr. Bee." -"Up yours!"

Come in!

Ah, Brandst�tter! We are in the middle of work.

Gentlemen, Major Brandst�tter.

Most of you are acquainted with him.

We just had a little difference of opinion about the

installation of atomic cannons on the Berlin beachhead.

So, what brings you here? -A note from Mr. Pferdapfel.

Please send me the president of the military court.

I'd like him to bring the report on the amnesty template.

One can't even telephone in this hole, and one is supposed to work here!

What conditions! You are dismissed.

What an amazing thing! That's really amazing!

My old friend Captain Albert. What a humdinger!

Wouldn't be bribed.

Aha, delegate. That's superb!

He'll whip this feeble bunch into shape.

I have to get out of this box again.

In this phase of the E-Case, so on day x + 1,

I'll inundate Mecklenburg and the Saxony area with atom bombs. Steadily.

Radioactive desert in the north. Radioactive desert in the south.

And in the middle, a surprise for the enemy: my offensive floodgate.

I'll roll through there, unstoppably.

But you're not saying anything, gentlemen.

Oh, I get it.

You're thinking of the counterstrike of the enemy's atomic artillery.

It's taken into account. I will cover them totally with hydrogen bombs.

Then the Russians will send their H-bombs as well. -Pfft, they have none!

If only we knew that for certain. -They're just not allowed to have any!

If one always had to account for everything, then one couldn't start a war!

Field Marshal, the report.

What's this supposed to mean? "Transgression against superior orders"?

Since when is the performance of one's duty a transgression?

Field Marshal, the mood outside...

One has to make a concession, otherwise the amnesty won't come through.

And we won't get out so soon. -Incomprehensible!

Do they think we're going to carry out their war from prison?

What conditions these are!

Well! Say hello to my brave old Captain Albert.

And to repeat: I can only recommend highly enough...

To: German Innkeeper Advertising Expedition Chiffre 432 A Hamburg

Yes, who is it? Yes, please. Yes, of course!

Come on in. -H�nsilein! -Here.

Poor darling!

You have a fever. -Yes, I think so.

I hope nothing to do with that Dinkelburg aggravation.

That has long since been taken care of.

You are going to be a member of German Parliament. -What?

Yes, member of Parliament. -Me? -Yes, you. The matter is closed.

Dad says, no more hide-and-seek. Men like you belong in Bonn.

No, no, that won't work. In my condition? It would be far too risky.

Oh, to the contrary. Then you will really be protected.

An MP has parliamentary immunity. You're untouchable. -Untouchable?

And you think that holds true for everything. -Without exception.

Nobody can bother you again. No police, no court. Nobody.

I think the fever is subsiding. Yes.

A blasted disgrace! -What's wrong?

You thoroughly put the fear of God into this crook. -Yes, why?

He has left his Director post. Instead he has joined Parliament, in my name.

No!

Seekatz, this corrupt individual, is giving him his seat.

For 150,000 marks. -Pfff!

Great democracy! -You should turn the guy in.

Yeah, and get myself in hot water. -What can happen? Pferdapfel is out, too.

But General Field Marshal Kesselmeyer is still behind bars. I should join him, huh?

Just carry on like that. Crawl back into your mouse hole.

Watch, that guy will become minister. And you? Seedy travelling salesman.

Would you like a vacuum? Hairdryer for the lady? Dry razor for the gentleman?

Just a minute. My turn will come.

There are rumours of a coming amnesty.

P�ffges Rhetoric Courses The School of Success

The Potsdam mail-carriage driver polishes the carriage mailbox

with, w-w-with Potsdam mail-carriage wax.

The Potsdam mail-carriage driver polishes the Potsdam mail-carriage mailbox

with Potsdam Kostplutsch... Post... Potskut, mail-carriage mailbox wax.

Wonderful! You are a born speaker. So, now once more in front of an audience.

So, just imagine, the Parliament is fully occupied, and all are listening to you.

Go ahead. Please begin.

Honourable ladies and gentlemen, fellow members of parliament, Chancellor:

The Potsdam mail-carriage driver polishes the Potsdam mail-carriage mailbox

with Potsdamer... mail-m-mail... mail-polish... mailbox wax!

Mail-carriage mailbox wax.

West German Courier! Bank robbery in the stark light of day!

Nightclub ring uncovered in Bad Homburg!

Lotto fraudster flees the country!

West German Courier!

Office of the personnel director? -I'd like to speak to Albert Hauptmann.

You mean Captain Albert? -No, the inverse. Mr. Albert Hauptmann (Captain)

But my dear young lady, I don't understand what on earth you're saying.

Do you mean Captain Albert, our director?

But no, the secretary of the director. -I am the director's secretary.

And my name is Franzke.

Madam, you mean Captain Albert! -No, Albert Hauptmann of Montan, Inc.

Exactly right! Director Albert of Montan, Inc.

Can I pass something along? -No, no, thanks. No longer necessary.

Good evening, Mr. Private Secretary.

Oh, I haven't been in that post for a while. -Retired again?

Yes, I just wanted to tell you. Imagine this, my friend...

He was very suddenly and unexpectedly killed... I mean, he went missing...

That is to say, he died. So, all of a sudden, overnight, I...

Became the director. -Yes.

Albert, how much longer are you going to give me the run-around? -Me?

Waiter. Then manager. Then director's secretary.

The director yourself. Nothing but lies! All lies! -Shh, not so loud!

And this. Why do I have to hold onto your money?

Why don't you bring it to the bank? I wonder where it even comes from!

Hannelore, the people are stopping and staring.

And I, I was so naive. I fell for everything.

But Hannelore! -Albert Hauptmann. Captain Albert.

What's your name really? Who are you?

Hannelore, I can not explain that to you yet.

If you ever find out who you are... Oh!

Waiter!

Yes, what can I do for you folks? -Another bottle of bubbly.

You see, we just happened to get engaged, fellow colleague.

Congratulations, sir and madam. -"Fellow colleague" you say to a waiter!

Colleague! -And why not? I'm sure he is also betrothed.

Come on, let's dance!

Hey! Can you do the Reveille? Go ahead and blow!

German Parliament

Member of Parliament, what's going on with the amnesty submission?

Do you know who is introducing it? -It's your new colleague, isn't it?

Captain Albert? -Please, gentlemen, I'm not at liberty to discuss it.

It's nothing to worry about, Captain. Just take a look through this material.

You'll find everything you need.

Besides that, I'm no orator. -Oh come on, do you think I was born an orator?

Just keep going firmly, without regard for casualties. That always impresses.

I don't know if I am exactly the right person.

Exactly, because it is in your own interest.

You know best how scared these U-Boat captains must be.

U-Boat captains? -Well, the comrades who stayed after the war and went underground,

and have lived under assumed names since then; who present themselves as people

they are not. Who better than you could crusade for the amnesty of these comrades?

Do you think?

Adele! Adele! Adele.

Yes, what is it? -Across-the-board victory.

Here.

What do you have to say now?

The amnesty is going through like a hot knife through butter.

No mistake about it. We're going to clean up.

Raise the flag! The ranks are firmly closed!

Not so loud!

And the biggest joke of all is that this pipsqueak put the dynamite under his bum.

Ladies and gentlemen, the amnesty also has a human side.

There's no cause for laughter. Everyone yearns for his own, real name.

Put yourself in the shoes of one of these people.

Originally he was named, let's say... let's say, Meier.

And now, suddenly, he's known by the name, let's say... Schulze.

A wolf in sheep's clothing! -Step away right now!

Gentlemen, I am not a politician. -But a proven soldier!

So this man goes to the police and says, "My name is Meier".

And what happens? He gets locked up.

Yes, but ladies and gentlemen, if that's the case, then he doesn't go there to

begin with. And that's why we need the amnesty!

Outrageous!

May I, fellow colleague? -My pleasure.

And what do you have planned, colleague? -I'm just going to the washroom.

Then our paths will cross again.

No no, Colleague. Why the sudden abstention from voting?

The whole amnesty will go up in smoke. Everything was precisely settled.

By the way, if they try to stab us in the back, they'll only cut themselves.

That may be true, fellow colleague, but the mood of our voters...

What should the mood of your voters cost?

Huh?

Listen, Schulbrinck, if I am properly informed, your party newspaper

is barely gasping for breath.

Thanks. If you need a little subsidy, I could procure it for you.

That's all well and good, but how am I going to persuade the whole contingent?

The whole is not necessary. In fact, a few abstentions is even better.

The main thing is that our majority is safe.

West German Courier! Amnesty law adopted!

Car bandits in police uniforms! Amnesty law adopted!

U-Boat captains resurface!

Hopefully is doesn't have moths. -Nah, doesn't look like it.

Hey, Hans? -Yes? -I thought you burned the photos back then.

What pictures? -Well, those of Monsavie and Neubrandenburg.

Oh, Hans.

Hans Albert, Captain for Special Deployment in army group Kesselmeyer,

at your service. So, now this guy will be thrashed. Police and led away.

MP Captain Albert, please. -Follow me. -Thank you.

Captain, a Mr. Hauptmann would like to speak to you.

I'll be right there.

What can I do for you, Mr. Hauptmann? -Captain Albert!

-That's right. That's me. You are nothing! You are a swindler!

I am Captain Albert!

I really should throw you out without delay.

But let's assume I believe you. I have seen cows vomit, and dead ones come alive.

How are you going to prove that you are Captain Albert?

I'm supposed to prove my identity? You crook! -So, no proof then.

Why don't you first prove who you are, you rascal?! You crook!

I'll have you arrested, you imposter! I'll hang you, with my own hands!

Get your hands off me! Everyone here has gone crazy!

This'll cost you your jobs. I am Captain Albert!

Get him out of here!

Papers? I just have to get them. I am Captain Albert!

Good day, Mr. Karjanke. -Aha, so your name is Karjanke!

Million-mark robbery on the open street!

West German Courier! Highway robber back in business!

Triple-murder under hypnosis! West German Courier!

Highway robber back in business! Triple-murder under hypnosis!

Pardon me, do you have a light?

Million-mark on the open street!

Hello, Hansilein!

Oh, Dr. Brandstetter! Oh, excuse me!

See, I have been waiting for the captain for over an hour.

What? General Field Marshal Kesselmeyer?

And Captain Albert is of course expected to give the speech for the reception,

as an old comrade from the front, and personal friend.

But I've been phoning all over the place and can't find him anywhere.

You're spiffily dressed.

You must have a fantastic job.

Fantastic job. -In your field?

In my field. -Where?

Hey, you know, you still owe me. Oh yes, here. DM 27.50.

You can keep the rest.

Attention! We are repeating our announcement.

General Field Marshal Kesselmeyer, who was released from custody, is arriving

at the Cologne central train station at 23:30 tonight.

I repeat: 23:30 tonight at the Cologne central train station.

A disaster seldom comes by itself.

K�bis. -Mm hm.

Put this away for a rainy day. Nest egg.

Yes, yes, yes. 2,800 marks.

"Waste not, want not."

Hey, your flowers!

Captain?

MP Dr. Brandst�tter and Ms. Daisy Pferdapfel have called you several times.

You should call there right away.

Thank you. Many thanks. Thanks.

Captain! Pardon me, Captain. Your flowers.

Darling, what's wrong? Where are you going? -For a walk.

Grab some fresh air. -Oh, I see.

For whom are those flowers? -For you of course, Daisylein.

Come on, you have to go the train station.

To the train station? What am I supposed to do there? -Don't make stupid jokes.

We have to greet General Field Marshal Kesselmeyer. -Kesselmeyer?

Pull yourself together. You have to give the reception speech.

But why me? Oh, because I'm such a great orator, huh?

The Potsdam m-m-mail-c-carriage...

polishes the Potsdam mail carriage...

Where the hell is the captain?

There, there! Now we will experience the tremendous moment!

Our hearts are beating faster.

Shortly, the General Field Marshal will stand among us.

It's no use, Daisylein. Let's go home.

We belong to the reception committee.

Stay back! Only for invited guests! -Excuse me!

Surely we're permitted to greet our Field Marshal. -Oh, that's a different story.

Then let the young people through.

General Field Marshal, if I may. A few words for our listeners.

My dear friends and fellow campaigners...

German people! Comrades!

German people!

F�hrer's orders! We bear the consequences!

...and also German youth.

Kesselmeyer behind bars!

What do these people have against the Field Marshal?

Nothing, little lady, other than that he is being let loose against us again.

Kessemeyer behind bars! Take Kesselmeyer to trial!

OK, und now you welcome the general field marshal.

Just a second, just a second. I have to concentrate first.

The Potsdam cail marriage box.

Come on, fast, to the lounge car. -Wrong. Totally wrong, strategically.

I command, withdraw to the luggage elevator!

On the double! March, march.

Kesselmeyer behind bars!

Mass-murderer behind bars!

The field marshal! You have to save the field marshal!

And leave you alone in this hour of danger?

Porter, notify the field marshal.

Field Marshal, sir, I see no escape. -Why don't you disperse the mob?

We are surrounded, Field Marshal. -Then go ahead and shoot!

Allow me to notify you, Field Marshal, I have orders to bring you to safety.

What unbelievable conditions!

Kesselmeyer behind bars!

Surrounded. -So, what now?

Put Kesselmeyer on trial!

Mass-murderer behind bars!

Kesselmeyer behind bars!

I'm assuming command!

Yes, but where do we go? -A soldier doesn't talk much; he acts.

Emergency department. Hello?

Is this the emergency department?

Respectfully report: order executed!

Thank you. I'll recommend you for distinction.

You, take that off. Undress!

This is a real mousetrap!

Respectfully report: General Field Marshal is supposed to disguise himself.

Buddy, what are you thinking? -Field Marshal, I think it would be a way out.

What outrageous conditions!

Emergency? Emergency? You're no longer needed.

Put Kesselmeyer on trial! Kesselmeyer behind bars!

Saved. The field marshal has been saved.

Put Kesselmeyer on trial!

Mass-murderer behind bars!

Put Kesselmeyer on trial!

Kesselmeyer behind bars! Kesselmeyer behind bars!

Hey, there he is!

You bloody dog!

What do you want now? -You must all have gone crazy!

Kessemeyer gets out, and me? Me you lock up?!

Say, how do you think you're standing there?

Such a thing wants to become officer? Snap to attention!

I demand my confrontation with Field Marshal Kesselmeyer! On the spot!

Oh, look at that! You know Kesselmeyer, too! -I was his right-hand man.

I got the Knight's Cross from him personally.

So, tell me Karjanke, you sat on a school bench with the emperor of China, right?

I am not Karjanke! I am Captain Albert!

Open up! Hey, open up!

H�nsilein, are you ready soon?

Here I am, Daisylein!

How about a cordon bleu? -What will our guests think?

Wait, now stand still for a second.

Do you know who's coming?

General Field Marshal Kesselmeyer.

He already announced he was coming.

General Field Marshal Kesselmeyer. Well, what do you say!

There will be a reunion!

Let's drive to Italy. -What about our wedding?

Wedding here? Daisylein, I'm telling you; it'll be a disaster.

Venice. That would be something else!

Wedding in Venice. Ah, very far away!

Gondolas with lanterns and moonlight.

Mandolin, mandolin. Canale Grande, Palazzo de Rialto.

Bon giorno, senora. -Darling, don't be so impatient.

Tomorrow evening we'll be in Venice. -Tomorr... Tomorrow is too late.

Take me to Mr. Pferdapfel.

The wedding couple has left the room and is coming towards us.

Full of bliss, the groom looks at his young bride.

On the forehead of Miss Daisy Pferdapfel, a fantastic rhinestone crown gleams,

a family heirloom estimated to be worth 100,000 dollars.

Appearing at the door is the legendary senior member of the house,

Mrs. Bertha Pferdapfel von Kohlen und Stahlbach,

the matriarch of that famous artillery firm from the First World War,

whose wonder weapon caused all of France to tremble,

and whom German soldiers so fondly called "Fat Bertha".

And now the lady's grandson, President Pferdapfel, hurries to her side

and reverently kisses her hand.

Mr. President, the police chief is on the phone.

He wishes to speak to you without delay.

I guess he couldn't have chosen a less fitting occasion.

I'm sorry, it's extremely urgent.

That's him! Arrest him! -I thought you were dead?

Pfft, does a dead person look like this? Take him away!

You'll excuse me.

Ladies and gentlemen, please don't get upset. There's a validity to it all.

Captain Albert is... is not Captain Albert.

What's going on?! -The bridegroom suddenly fell ill.

What? -The bridegroom fell ill!

Oh, just like at my wedding!

When I think about it! Tomorrow this person would have been secretary of state.

Secretary of state in the war ministry. -My name is Captain Albert.

The real one. -Oh, I see! You're late, but you're here.

Yes, Mr. President, we're all together again.

My dear Captain Albert! How happy I am! -General Field Marshal.

That you, in your old age, are getting married again.

Well, and where is the lucky bride?

Has the captain returned? -He's standing right there.

What? -He standing right there!

Earlier he looked completely different.

So, this is the state of affairs! -This cunning imposter!

This is going to cost him dearly.

Well, my friend, I have little hope. Your chances don't look good.

And what about this Karjanke guy? He was using a false name too.

And no one is after him? -Yes, but he can show real awards!

If only you could testify in your favour to something of this sort!

Then the use of a false name would no longer be punishable.

Listen, you were employed long enough.

Things like that happen there all the time.

I have done nothing similar. -Anything!

At least a teeny, tiny war crime!

Which could fall under the amnesty.

The case would be dropped immediately, and you would be a free man.

I really don't know. -Oh, think hard! It's the only thing that can save you!

Well, then I can't do much for you. -The trial.

We are continuing the proceedings. Go ahead, State's Attorney.

Accused, you are a waiter by profession? -Yes.

Last position was in the Black Bear Hotel? -Yes.

Then unemployed. -Yes.

This is your time card, right? -Yes.

And with this time card you made entry into the highest echelons of business?

That's what you want us to believe? -Nobody asked me for papers!

Not the mayor or Dr. Seekatz, and nobody afterwards either.

Accused, how did you even come up with the plan to claim you were

the special envoy to combat partisans in the staff of the Kesselmeyer army group?

I never claimed that. -Really? And this Knight's Cross?

Did you wear it? -Yes.

Do you know for what a Knight's Cross is conferred to a rightful owner? -No.

It was given to me. -Please call the secretary of state.

Witness, sir, can you inform the court why you were given the Knight's Cross?

Certainly. For the vigorous execution of an action against the French

village Montsalvy in spring, 1944.

The village was burned to the ground and 57 inhabitants...

Thank you. Thank you, Secretary of State.

And you, Accused, want us to believe that you didn't boast about these

awards of Captain Albert? -I knew nothing about this Captain Albert!

The ladies and gentlemen knew much more about my awards than I did.

They greeted me with open arms wherever I went!

They threw everything my way. Position, car, money. Everything!

That really is the limit! Now you want to put the blame on others?

The highest pillars of business?

You became director of Montan, Inc. Member of Parliament.

You almost became the son-in-law of Germany's biggest industrialist.

Almost secretary of state in the war ministry.

And all that perhaps because of your nice blue eyes?

This is going to cost you dearly!

5 years in jail for the fake captain!

Black Friday at the Frankfurt stock exchange!

Biggest German stock market crash in 25 years!

"5 Years in Jail for Fake Captain."

Now he's sitting behind bars.

But not because he's a war criminal, but because he is not one.

5 years in jail for the Captain from Cologne!

West German Courier!

Subtitles by BobbyFletcher/Radial/OliverL for SMz and KG