Original subtitles

Congratulations, Nabi.

We are at the doorstep of our martyrdom.

Praise Allah.

Praise him!

Soon we will be greeted by Allah, the one true god,

and by the cheers of our forefathers

and by 99 perfect virgins

who will worship us for all eternity!

I thought it was 100.

What's that?

100 virgins... They promised me 100.

99, 100... What's the difference?

If they're telling you one thing and they're telling me another,

maybe they don't know for sure.

Maybe.

Maybe the exact number of virgins is not precise.

I mean, if it's in the 90s, I can live with that.

Or 75.

Hey, I'm not greedy, but what if it's 10?

Well...

What if it's 10, but we have to split them between us?

Then you'll have five more virgins

than you have right now, right?

We're talking about eternity here!

How long will five virgins last you... maybe a month?

They're not going to be virgins for long, right?

Look, would it make you feel better

if we called the big guy?

Yes.

- Take the stick. - Okay.

It's ringing.

Osama, yes, it's Asif.

No, we're on it.

It was fine, but security takes forever, you know?

What are you going to do?

Anyway, look, Nabi has a question.

Will you talk to him?

No!

You do it!

Hello!

Yes.

Uh, it's about the virgins.

Really?

It was 100 when I signed up.

He said it's not that many anymore.

Too many martyrs in the first go-around.

You've got to be kidding me. Does he know where we are here?

Give me the phone.

Take the stick.

Osama, it's Asif.

Right now, can you tell me the number, absolutely,

that you can guarantee Nabi and myself,

as far as virgins are concerned?

No, that's fine.

Do it!

Come on, man!

He can't guarantee more than 20.

Open the goddamn door, you bastards!

We're gonna fucking kill you, you motherfucker!

Lying pieces of shit!

- Open the door! - Open this fucker!

Screw this, right?

I'm glad you said it first.

Okay, get on the intercom to the passengers.

We are changing course for the Bahamas.

Bahamas!

We're going to the Bahamas!

...in response to the epidemic of border crossing

Arizona governor Custon in cooperation with the NRA

announced a revolutionary new weapon in the war on immigration

The newly installed immigration disincentive devices, or IDD's,

can fire up to 200 rounds of armor-piercing ammunition in under 10 seconds

making Arizona's southern border among the nations safest.

Liberal judges in Massachusetts

have again expanded the definition of marriage,

this time to include any union between a man and a woman,

a man and a man, a woman and a woman,

a man and a collie,

or a woman, a polish sausage, and a long weekend.

...the standoff with Mr. Cruise

has now stretched into its eighth day.

Cruise continues to insist that police are violating

his parental and religious freedoms,

citing human sacrifice as essential...

Today on "Good Morning Paradise,"

mayoral candidate Eugene Wells

joins us to talk about the new political landscape,

and the newest toy craze of the year...

Krotchy dolls.

Stay tuned. It's gonna be a super-dupe show.

Turn down that fucking TV!

I can't hear my show.

Yeah, nothing's good on anyway.

Just, uh, preparing for my interview.

Fight!

Aw, you fight like a pussy.

No one's gonna hire your sorry ass.

Why don't you go suck up to your Uncle Dave already?

God damn it!

What the hell is going on out there?!

Nothing.

Make sure you pick up that welfare check!

Kiss, kiss, sweetie pie...

Come on!

Come on!

No.

Bad boy. Bad boy.

I told you: No poopies in our yard.

No poopies in this yard.

You only poop in the next-door neighbor's yard.

Feces in the yard.

That's a violation

of trailer-park ordinance number 101-40.

Stop eating the poop.

I'll add that to the list.

The list?

The list. Great. The list. What else?

What else you got on the list?

Ordinance number 143-11.

Yesterday around lunchtime.

Now, I don't care what you two do in your own bedroom,

but ordinance number 143-11

says if I hear your lewd lovemaking after 10:00 A.M.,

I get to file a grievance against your sorry ass,

which is exactly what I'm gonna do!

Oh. Oh. Oh, okay.

Well, at least I wasn't boning my sister, you inbred hick.

Oh, for your information, hillbilly,

I wasn't even here yesterday afternoon.

I hate this town.

- Matt! - Whatever!

This fucking sucks.

Morning folks!

Eugene Welles. Running for mayor, folks.

Like to share a few facts with you.

The world's leading producer of child pornography

is located in the basement of the Pentagon.

The big three television networks

are all owned and operated by a right-wing church in Atlanta.

One in every ten people in America

- ...is on the payroll of the CIA. - Bullshit.

How could these things happen in a freedom loving country you ask?

Because we have become a nation of sheep.

But I am here to give America a new direction.

And a new political party.

The party of Fuck You!

Damn right!

Hey, hello?

You, professor.

What is this, a reading library?

Yeah, yeah. Two minutes, buddy.

Ah, no "two minutes" now.

You buy now, or bye-bye.

Bye-dee now now.

Ah, go on, bye-bye. Go on.

Bye-bye. You bye-bye.

- Goodbye. Goodbye. - Hey.

Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Daddy, Mohammed says he needs to talk to you again.

What about?

What else?

Okay, so, what did she say about me exactly?

That slut.

♪ killer, yeah, and rhyme till I die

♪ with an AK-47 from side to side

♪ jihad killers

♪ man, it's hot in here

♪ you just to stake that out of this atmosphere

♪ jihad killers

My brother.

Any police come around today? Anything suspicious?

No, nothing, Mohammed.

Trust me...

you are safely hidden here for as long as you want.

Well, that may not be for much longer.

Oh?

We have news from Afghanistan.

News? Oh.

It is all coming together.

The shipment left three days ago.

Oh.

Praise Allah.

When, uh, will be it here?

Tomorrow!

The time has come for us to place our swords

to the genitals of the infidels.

I see you noticed the heads...

Motivational.

Those are every fucking bastard

that I had to climb over to get this job.

Jesus.

Foul. They're paper-mache.

They're... He thought they were real.

Sit down.

Let's get started.

So, I hope you don't mi...

I hope you don't mind the recording.

Uh, we're gonna use it as training later.

Ready?

Uh, yeah, yeah. It's good.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

It's, uh... The chair is actually...

All right, we're on a time clock,

So let's get started, shall we?

Yes, sir.

Good.

Well...

Um, so, I'm here for the job, sir.

Right. You're a factory worker.

I was.

I was a factory worker, but the factory got closed down,

so I got laid off, and...

I've interviewed 15 other people for this job.

What makes you think you're better than them?

Well, I don't know if I am better than them.

Well, god damn it, pal.

If you want this job, you better reach out and grab it.

You better put those fucking heads on the wall.

You know what? Fuck it. Let's go to the questions.

What is your greatest strength?

Um...

I'm a really good team player.

Wrong.

What is your biggest weakness?

Um, I'd say I work too hard.

Wrong.

How would you move a mountain using only a spoon?

A spoon?

If you were in a box, how would you think outside it?

Uh, it's... Well, if you're in a...

Wrong.

Last question...

What is the difference between a duck?

And?

What the hell is wrong with you people?!

A d... a wh... duck?

I don't... I came here for a job, a job!

As far as I know, that job

has nothing to do with a cock sucking, motherfucking duck!

Remarkable, isn't he?

Yes.

Congratulations, pal.

You're our leading candidate. How does it feel?

It feels good.

No, no, no, no, no. How's it feel?

How does it feel?

I mean, how does it feel

to put fucking 15 heads on that wall?

I'll tell you how it feels.

It feels fucking great, doesn't it?

Fucking great, like...

So, I got it? I got the job?

Oh, hell, no. No, no, no.

This was just a like a getting-to-know-you interview.

Oh, yeah, no, no, we have...

- We have a couple of more... - One hundred and twenty.

Yeah, we have some, uh, more... More candidates to talk to.

But hell of a start, though. Absolutely.

Last thing before you go...

I'd like you to sing the company fight song.

It's not a flag, it's a company

a high-flying company

and it will cheerfully work you to death

by the time you are old, the pension is sold

and your cube will be your casket

it's a company, a high-flying company

now please get back to work

We'll get back to you.

I hate this town.

♪change has begun

♪spread the word today

♪follow the flower children

♪let them lead the way

Brothers and sisters...

You have waited.

You have been tested.

And now your wishes have been answered.

I am proud to introduce to you the one.

Hold up your energies for Uncle Dave!

Good group, good group.

Welcome to the Denomination of Organic Monotheism.

I congratulate you all on taking the first step to freedom

by completing your training program.

Obviously, you've come to the correct conclusion

that the American dream is not a dream for you.

That's right!

In fact...

it is a nightmare...

yeah!

A nightmare that soon will be engulfed

in the all-encompassing flames of God's damnation!

Yeah!

Pious people in the house, say, "oh!"

Who loves God?

- We do! - We do!

David?

Oh, yeah. Initiation.

I love this part.

No, no, Richie, no, no, this is...

this is just... this is just inner-sanctum stuff,

strictly ritualistic.

Uh, Uncle Dave, uh, sorry to bother you,

but we've got some rather important business.

The girls... They need to go.

Okay.

Children, it appears that Brother Richard here

has to, uh, commingle our... our energies.

Sweetie... sweetie...

Let's go. Come on, ladies, move.

There we go.

But I want more communion.

Oh, we'll do communion, I promise.

It's my favorite meal of the day.

- Don't worry about it. - That's nice.

- Now go. - Oh, hello.

God bless it.

Ah, Richie, what the fuck is it? What's the problem?

We're having something

of a cash-flow problem.

What the fuck you talking about, Richie?

Did you see all those recruits out there today?

It's true.

Membership and donations are at an all-time high,

and we got more tail running around here than the...

Than the Playboy Mansion, but it's...

Yeah? So? Then what's the problem, Rich?

Well...

it's the IRS.

Yeah? Well, what do they want?

Uh, it seems we haven't paid our taxes in three years.

So what, man?

I tried to explain, of course,

that with our continued expectation of the end of the world,

it's difficult to justify contributing

to long-term programs like Medicare or Social Security,

but, um...

apparently even a selective tax payment

is not an option.

Oh, come on, Richie, you know I don't like to micromanage.

What the fuck do we do about this, all right?

- Well... - Huh?

What's your plan?

We pay them or, uh...

We pay them, or everything is all over...

The weenie whacking, the pantless parties,

the tacos, everything.

And you... you go to jail.

So, how much do we owe?

$1.3 million and 79 cents.

Oh, fuck, Rich.

Oh, d-d-don't despair, Uncle Dave.

When the government slams the doors shut,

G-O-D always opens a window.

That's a beautifully retarded sentiment, Richie.

Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to be alone.

You want me to call the girls in?

- Nah, really alone. - No?

Really alone?

Okay.

I'll get the porn.

No. No, no, Richie.

- Nothing? - Nothing.

Really?

Yeah, I don't want any kind of sex right now.

- You won't even let me stay? - No, Richie. Please get the fuck out of here.

Alright.

Well, if you need me, I'm in the other room.

It seems pretty unlikely, Rich.

Unfortunately, the supply of Krotchy dolls can't meet the demand,

And parents and children alike have been

lining up for weeks to get their hands on them.

We'll be back in two minutes. See you then.

I prey on the innocent

living on the grind

tryin' to get a dollar out of 15 cents

Hey, yo, hi.

Come here. Help me out with a few bucks.

Yeah, I... I don't have any money.

Come on. Come on, I'm serious.

Come over here.

I need a few bucks to get a bus to go see my kids.

I... yo, I don't have...

- Sorry, I don't have any money. - Hey, come here.

Come here. I want to talk... come here.

Get the fuck out of here.

I'm sick and tired of people like you, you know?

You got a good job. You got a big car.

You got everything, and I got nothing.

Well, fuck you,

And fuck everybody who even looks like you!

Get the fuck out of here!

I'll fucking knock you out, pal.

It's green.

Look, you can make the light!

Hey!

You can make the light!

Come on, bitch!

God damn.

She could have made the fucking light.

She forget her glass.

- You say "glass"? - Yes.

You say "glass," you frankfurt-eating motherfucker?

I bought all these goddamn English CD's

For you to say fucking "glass"?

It's "glasses."

You fucking foreigners come over here,

and you fuck up the language,

and this bitch is fucking up the traffic!

- Calm down, Greg. - You fucking calm down!

This flat-ass bitch comes over here,

she takes over the convenience stores,

and they eat up all our goddamn dogs!

Go and help her. Come on.

You're right.

I'm trippin'.

I'll just get out of the car and make sure she's doing okay.

She's an old lady.

I feel bad now.

Hi. The light is green.

The light is green.

You could have went through the light.

The light turned gr... What did you say?

What'd you say, bitch?

Why don't you stir-fry that?

Holy fuck!

Damn!

Yeah, that'll get her moving!

Man.

What happened over there?

I think she called me nigger.

Whoa-ho-ho! Did you see that?

Yeah.

One date with me,

she'll look like she's been hit with a mayonnaise truck.

That's right, Mr. Stickum.

Yeah, I hope she comes back.

- Uhm, hi. - Hi!

Yeah, I just ordered this and there's uh...

There's vanilla in it.

Oh, okay. I put vanilla in because you'd said "put the vanilla in".

So, you know...

I hate vanilla.

Oh weird that you said that then, I'll just chuck it.

Do you want something else? What can I getcha?

- Yes, please. I would like... - What's that?

I'm gonna be ready with you guys in two seconds.

Your order's actually up, so...

You know what? You wanna decide while I grab their stuff?

- Uh, yeah. Sure. - Yeah, let's do that!

Well, I tried Scientology and then I tried Kabbalah.

But it just didn't click with me, you know?

I mean, you have a lot more fun when you're famous.

So I figured, maybe I give Muslimism a try.

See if that fills me up.

You're all so passionate and...

Jihad.

- Thank you. - Abdul!

- Oh. Okay, yeah. - Abdul! Abdul!

Yeah.

Thank you.

Okay.

- All set? - Yes.

- What do you got? - I will have a medium...

No, you know what? I'm gonna have a large.

I'll have a large mocha.

- Okay. - No.

No, you know what? Maybe a... maybe a vanilla.

Okay.

What do you think goes better with bagels?

You had 10 minutes to make up your fucking mind!

What is it with you people? Can somebody please tell me?

I mean, we sell coffee. That's it, nothing else.

You're not buying a car, I mean, right?

Make a fucking decision, huh? How about it?

I know. Here we go.

You're gonna have a regular coffee.

Careful... the beverage you're about to enjoy is extremely hot.

Next?

Uh...

What?

I, um...

Two lattes, no foam, please.

I can't believe this is the first time you've ever been here.

I mean, all these fucking idiots calling me Uncle Dave,

And here I am... I actually am your Uncle Dave.

Yeah.

So, when was the last time I saw you?

The bachelor party, right before the wedding night.

Oh, fuck, yeah, right. That was fun.

I wonder if that donkey survived.

Well, what do you think of the place?

Ah, it's... it's amazing.

Yeah. I kind of owe it all to you, you know?

Me?

Well, we always talked

- about running a con like this, right? - Yeah.

You know, about how gullible people are,

how they'll believe anything

if you just tell it to them a couple of times?

Anyway, I just took all that talk, put it into action,

pushed it to the next level, and...

here I fucking am.

Man.

I just can't believe it, you know?

Yeah.

You know, it's funny you showing up here like this, you know,

'cause I find myself in a... In a financial situation.

And I have a plan for getting out of it,

But I could use a partner.

Uh, no. No, no, no.

I know where this is going, Uncle Dave.

I... I don't do that type of shit anymore.

Come on, it'd be like old times.

Remember when we stole the flag from the Governor's Mansion?

Twice.

Yeah.

And this plan is foolproof, man.

I got arrested the second time.

Well, that plan wasn't foolproof.

Yeah, they prosecuted me

under the new flag protection amendment,

and with that on my record,

I couldn't get into a good college or get a good job or...

I pretty much just play by the rules.

Look, man, nobody plays by the rules, all right?

You bend them, or you break them.

Anything else is just slow death.

Yeah, that's what it feels like.

Yeah.

All right, well, fuck it, man.

I never push you to do anything, right?

- I always let you go your own way. - Yeah.

Besides, it's working out great for you, right?

I mean, you got the beautiful wife, the nice home.

If you change your mind, though, you let me know.

Here, have a souvenir ashtray.

Thanks.

Now, you're gonna get a welfare check for $168, right?

Fuck you, man.

You give me that check,

I'll give you $250 worth of food stamps.

You understand what I'm saying? Major profit there.

This is a good deal, pal. It's a fucking great deal.

Shit.

That's $82.

$82. You're good at math.

Hey, that's you. You're next.

Here, use my pen.

Use my pen and don't forget to date it.

23-6.

Hey, have you heard that since the United States

has closed their borders they're getting rid of the Statue of Liberty?

I don't understand you.

All that scrap copper's gonna be for sale.

I don't want copper! You go away!

Wrong form.

What?!

Wrong form!

Look, I don't care what form I have, all right?!

I'm not leaving here until I get my money!

Buddy, come on. Hey, buddy, let's go.

Come on.

Where's the pen? Where's my pen?

Hey, come here. He's got my pen.

Hey! Hey!

Down! Down! Shit!

Fuck me!

Help me!

Oh, my god!

Just get down! Get down!

That does it!

Don't do it! Don't do it!

Don't do it! Don't do it!

Don't do it!

I need backup!

Sweet.

More fucking backup!

Number 25!

Right here.

Here. Right here.

Sorry, we're closed.

My baby!

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

Oh, yes!

Come on!

Give it to me, daddy.

Give it to your bad girl.

Oh, yes! Give it to me!

Oh, yes!

I'll be back in a second, sweet cheeks.

Hi, neighbor.

Guess I won't be needing that grievance after all, huh?

Okay.

Got to find the wet spot.

Leave the welfare check on the counter.

Oh, yeah.

There. Oh, yeah.

Oh!

Give it to me, you stud.

Yes.

Oh! Oh, yeah!

Yes!

Get me a large bottle of cooking oil.

The extra-virgin kind!

Oh, yes! Yes!

Oh, yes!

Oh!

Please, Uncle Dave, please, just a few hundred bucks,

just... just enough to get me out of this fuckhole town

for the rest of my life, please?

Hey, sport.

Last chance. Come on.

Help me out with a few bucks.

I don't have anything.

Who the fuck do you think you're talking to, huh?

What, do you think I'm stupid or something, huh?

Listen, you're not gonna help me out, I'll help out myself.

Open up the wallet.

Dude, who you talking to?

No.

Let go of my gun. What's the matter with you?

Bro, you still there?

Hey, bro?

Hey, while I got you, I got to ask you...

What do you think of those... Those mileage rewards programs?

- What's the matter with you? Let go. - No!

You know, I thought you could use those miles anytime

To get tickets, right?

But, you know, I tried, and you can't use them at Christmas.

- Last chance. - No.

- Give me the gun! - No.

Aw, shit, sport.

It's like at every holiday it's blacked out.

Like, anytime you want to use the fucking thing, it's blacked out.

That's bullshit, isn't it?

- Dave? - Yeah?

I'm in.

You are?

Oh, fuck, that's great, man.

But you know what?

You caught me at kind of a busy time right now, so, uh...

We, the people under Allah,

give you a new beacon of strength

against the great Satan of the West.

They believe we are weakened,

but in only a few days,

we will strike a blow against America so swift and terrible

that the evil ones will collapse once and for all.

We are asking those of the true faith

to wait, pray,

and praise Allah when the glorious slaughter begins.

And cut!

Wonderful scene, Sammy. Just wonderful!

You truly outdid yourself this time.

You... you hold the screen.

You... you are forceful, yet unbelievable.

I almost cried in the middle there.

You have such a... a star quality.

You can't put it into words. You are a true superstar.

Your voice...

Your eyes... They were popping.

What?

Don't you know I'm lactose intolerant?

Are you trying to kill me?

Who writes this shit?

They're not listening anymore, Mohammed.

I tell them about Allah and glory.

And what do I get? What do I get every damn time?

Virgins.

Ding ding ding ding ding ding.

Nobody wants to die anymore unless they get virgins.

But no one has to die this time.

That is genius of the shipment.

Ooh, the shipment!

Ooh, big whoop!

What is it this time... More Anthrax?

Sammy, Sammy...

Why do you have to be like that?

Remember the thing with the planes a few years back?

Do you remember that, hmm?

Do you remember that? Come on, do you remember that?

Child's play!

Tomorrow is when we really make our mark...

You, me...

and the shipment of Krotchy dolls.

I'm gonna go watch "Oprah."

She's looking good these days.

The diet is working.

I will do anything it takes to get the fuck out of Paradise...

Anything, anything!

Okay.

Take me up the ass.

Just kidding.

No, no, here, here.

You know these things?

- Krotchy dolls? - Yeah.

Yeah.

Biggest show on TV, number one.

Oh, and the guy who does the voice for it...

He's some big international star, right?

It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.

All that matters

is everybody wants one of those dolls, right?

But, sadly...

the Chinese tanker bringing them over here sank.

They were able to save about 100,000 dolls.

Unfortunately, none of the crew was rescued.

So, what, there's not enough dolls?

Check this out, man.

One of these dolls sold at auction this morning

for $4,000.

Fuck me.

Yeah.

And...

And 2,000 times $4,000 times $4,000 is, uh...

is 8, uh...

that's like... No, it's 800...

No, it's 8... Well, you move...

Well, if it's three zeros h...

You move the decimal back.

- I don't think... no, well, wait. - Or...

It's a fucking lot of money!

Oh, it's an ass-load of money.

Dude, a couple of asses.

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

So, what do you want out of me?

Come up with the plan.

'Cause if you remember the whole flag-stealing thing,

that was my plan.

That sucked.

It had certain structural flaws.

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay.

Okay. Okay.

What we got to do is we got to...

- We got to go to little Germany... - Yeah.

And we got to break in there,

and we got to, uh, get the dolls,

and we got to... we got to bring them back here.

So, we're gonna need some sort of a, uh...

truck.

Truck. A truck would be good.

- Uh, one they can't trace back to us. - Right.

Yeah.

You got an idea?

I got... Yeah, I got something.

No, it's gone.

All 3000 people who died in the World Trade Center attacks were not heroes.

They were bankers.

People who would let nothing stand in the way of making a quick buck.

Why are they heroes? Because they died?

What about the 17 million Africans and Arabs who have died in civil wars since 9-11.

Is a life only of value if the media are interested in reporting it?

And you, sir? How many of you Iraqis have died in the war?

Oh, leave me alone already. I'm a U.S. citizen.

I have the right to peace and quiet in my homeland.

You see, a perfect candidate for a 'Fuck You!'

Fuck me? Fuck you!

- Thank you! - You're welcome.

That's the kind of American citizen I'm talking about!

He knows too much.

Mohammed, he's crazy.

He suspects nothing.

I'm sorry.

You are a good man, Habib,

but we are at a critical point in the plan,

and we must take no chances.

No.

Goodbye, heaven tarts...

sugar logs...

powdered flakes and sweetie o's.

Goodbye, low-calorie fudge ice cream.

Allah!

How much is this?

Harry!

You got my money, Harry.

What you got for us today, Harry, huh?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Harry, come on.

Ten dollars?

You've been out here for two hours and...

What did I tell you, huh?

Fives and tens only.

What kinda retard are you?

I feed you, I cut your hair, I bath you...

every month and this is how you fucking treat me you sons a bitch?

Did you talk at me?

No bath this month, you son of a bitch.

You need more water in your diet.

And look at this, you still shit in your pants.

Just call me when you need to change your diaper.

I'm working too hard man.

Now look, tomorrow's a big day. I need you to look good.

Alright?

Ten dollars ain't gonna do it, Harry.

You're gonna make me at least twenty-three dollars tomorrow, okay?

Can you make papa look good, huh? Can you make papa look good?

Alright.

I put some extra nutrients in your dinner.

You're gonna like it.

Let me see. Come on.

Good, isn't it?

All righty, baby.

Well, uh, good night.

Big day tomorrow, okay?

All right.

What?

Oh, I'm trippin'.

Sorry, buddy.

It does get cold in my garage late at night.

All right.

Night, Harry.

Welcome to Little Germany amusement park,

Entertainment center for Paradise city.

Now, tomorrow the major media event will happen...

here at stage,

celebrating the unveiling of the Krotchy dolls.

The huge international star of "The Krotchy Show"

will be there.

And that is when we'll strike!

Dave and I will be in the truck,

accessing the employee entrance.

Are you sure that your insider will be able to get us inside?

He's both a high-ranking parking lot manager

and a loyal member to the flock.

Now, I noticed...

there's a lot of security between the draw-bridge and the store room.

Now, how do we get through unnoticed?

With a distraction.

We're gonna fuck with the international superstar's transportation.

Yeah, by the time he get's there he's gonna be so royally pissed, man.

You know how people jump on a V.I.P. that's pissed off.

You are a blessing upon us, my brother.

It is as it was foretold in the good book.

"And then there will come one amongst them,

"an apos-tle who carries within him

the holy torch of righteousness."

"He will lead us out of the clutches of consumerism."

You wrote a fucking bible for these people?

Group "C" rappels down

and takes the dolls from the storeroom.

Group "E" must control the perimeter,

as our intelligence indicates

that another organization may be after the dolls, as well.

I'll get that.

Bin Laden. Hello? It's your dime.

Osama, you old fucker.

It's G.W.

You know how many innocent people we've had to torture

trying to get a lead on you?

So? It's not my fault.

What is it, Georgie?

I, uh... kind of busy here.

You know how pops has those oil pipelines in Saudi Arabia?

I'm wondering if we ought to file an insurance claim,

You know, after the whole thing blows up.

All right, well, drop me an e-mail,

tell me what pipe you're talking about,

and I'll blow it all the way to Mecca.

We'd really appreciate it.

I'll ask Laura to type that up...

You know, me and spelling and all.

All right, later.

Jihad!

First they promise me a private jet.

Then they send me a freakin' bus?

Don't they know I'm an international superstar?

Jesus!

Aw, Jesus.

Paradise 8 miles?

God!

Motherfuckers.

Shotgun!

Let's go!

I'm telling you, Mohammed.

I know I've seen that gas station before. We're lost.

We are not lost. All gas stations look alike.

What's wrong with you?

Will you just pull over and ask for directions?

Get off my back!

You know, I'm doing my best here, okay?

I should be driving.

What, do you think you're gonna do everything,

be the face of the organization and also do the driving?

What is wrong with you, man?

..and we'll have more on the assassination of mayoral candidate Wells.

But first...

I'm here at the theme park Little Germany

with it's owner and controversial film director Uwe Boll.

Uwe, you made your fortune turning video games into hit movies,

but this theme park has always been your passion,

and today is a big day for Little Germany.

Absolutely. I'm totally happy

that that freighter went down from China

with all the Krotchy dolls,

So we, as the only people in North America

having the Krotchy dolls exclusively here on sale.

All right, what is all this shit, man?

Stupid.

And where's the coffee?

- Here's the coffee - Oh, I'm sorry. You heard me?

- I'm sorry. Thank you. - You're welcome.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

Greg, I've been doing a lot of research about American morality.

I'm not sure you're doing the right thing with Harry here.

Harry? You know how I met Harry?

You know how I met Harry?

Me and my dog were hiking in the hills.

This fool comes riding down the hill on his bicycle,

hits my dog, flies over the handlebars, breaks his neck.

- So you took him to the hospital? - I took my dog to the hospital.

Harry, I threw him in the trunk and took him home.

I mean the motherfucker almost killed my dog.

Three days later I came back, and Harry was still alive.

And we've been business partners ever since.

Ooh, Harry, it's time to go to work.

Get your hat on. Let me see.

Yeah!

Watch this. Watch this.

Say "will work for food" in German.

You the shit.

All right, go on, now.

All right, no $1s.

That's my motherfucker right there.

Watch out for the flowers.

You know, I knew this one girl who thought sperm was medicine.

All she wanted to do was suck cock.

And she got three little children, so she used to put sperm into their bottles.

To build up their immune system.

They all got AIDS.

You think she was gay? Or they were?

The pope wears a dress, doesn't he?

And I'm also happy to have today here Verne Troyer.

Who is the star of my next movie.

That's right, and your press release says that that film is "a new paradigm of cinema,

an epic romance that interweaves stories from the past, present and future

to relay a tale only the heart can understand".

That's sounds amazing, what's it called?

Pong.

But, Bob, I want to use the situation for something else also.

Because, you know, there are all the rumors out

that my movies are financed with Nazi gold.

And what should I say? It's true.

But somebody must do something with the money.

Do you know that my father died in Auschwitz?

My grandpa died also in Auschwitz,

he fell from a watchtower.

Alright, okay. Take her away. So...

Something wrong, Bob?

I get a little horny here onstage sometimes,

if I see a crowd and all the children.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Master, allow me.

What about me?

Do your job.

Stupid.

Oh, what, are you gonna fire me?

For saying "fuck"?

Well, fucky-fuck-fuck you, Dan.

I'm the fucking show. You mind if I go to work now?

Thank you.

Five, four... I got shit in my teeth?

Thank you.

Hi, we're live in Little Germany in Paradise.

It's an amazing sight.

The crowd is trembling with excitement.

People have been lining up for days to be the first

to get their hands on the coveted Krotchy dolls.

Over to you on the red carpet, Gayle.

Thanks, Bob. It really is incredible here.

As you know international superstar, Verne Troyer, will be arriving any moment now.

He's the voice of Krotchy in the cartoons and the video game.

Ladies...

Today we do God's work,

so get in there and give those boys a God job.

Yes, sir.

Hi, boys.

Uh-oh. Looks like I'm gonna get a burn.

Oops.

Oh, God.

They're so creepy.

Yeah, so?

Come on, boys!

Can you guys give me a hand?

Okay. Let's go.

Come on, boys.

Come here.

Oh, yes!

Oh, you sexy little motherfucker.

Gayle, is that Verne's limo?

Uh, I can't see, Bob.

There seems to be a pickup truck in the way.

A pickup truck?

Well, that's classy.

Yo, man.

I just can't possibly explain how... how unbelievably sorry

we are, Mr. Troyer.

I personally will take full responsibility

for this confusion with the pickup.

I don't want you fired.

I want your fucking boss fired.

This is Anne Frank, Go Hitler 2.

- Copy? - Ja.

I'm in position.

V.I.P. is arriving as we speak.

Why do you sound all queer?

I'm using a German accent, I'm undercover.

Stop it!

- He's kinda retarded, huh? - Yeah. He's very loyal.

Retards are, really.

Ladies.

So, what did you do with the guards?

They're all worn out.

What happened?

What is it?

He did a poo-poo in my mouth.

Aww, baby. Come here. Come here, baby. Listen to me.

Listen. Listen to me.

Don't whine, it's very unattractive, okay.

I tell you this because I love you.

Alright? There we go, come on.

All right. Okay, ladies.

Get to work on lifting the crates.

This is great. That means that...

The whole park is busy with the pissed-off V.I.P.

- That means my plan is genius! - Yeah.

Y'all look very pretty.

Come on, cowboy up. Cowboy up!

It's locked.

Call the building manager.

I don't have his number. You have his number?

I don't have his number?

There must be another way in!

Where's my money, asswipe?

I have even better...

Gold teeth.

Wait a second, that one is from Schlomo Wasserstein.

I personally took it from him, I might take it back.

Hello, Paradise.

Help me, Krotchy.

I'm a beautiful lady. Help me.

Well, you know what the good and noble Krotchy

says about people in need.

Only my father and my priest can touch me there.

Uncle Dave, look out!

What the fuck?

Get to the truck. We'll meet you out front.

Come on!

Anne Frank, you better have some chaos out there.

We're coming your way!

This is Anne Frank. Abort mission!

You come down here, you'll be arrested in a second!

You are the envy of the entire country.

Give us the doll...

Anne Frank, we need a distraction.

We need a distraction now!

The fat man is at the buffet.

What?

- Repeat, the fat man is at the buffet. - What the hell are you talking about?

The van is here, you idiot.

You are the first city

to receive the officially licensed...

Krotchy doll.

Oh, powerful lord, hear my plea.

Boll, I'm Vince Desi.

What the fuck did you do to my game "Postal"?

I don't know what your fucking problem is.

The movie is great.

Oh, shit!

Officers, you realize there's a huge fight going on onstage right now?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Okay.

Twenty bucks on the ballsack. Who wants some action?

- Yeah, baby! - I got that.

Hold on, wait, wait.

Wohlsein!

Anne Frank, we're coming your way now!

Party's over.

Freaking Nazi motherfucker!

Get your hands off me!

For video games!

No! He shot Harry!

Son of a bitch!

Be careful.

Harry! I'm gonna come and help you, baby!

I hate video games.

Let's get the hell out of here!

Get out of the way!

Oh! My shit!

I'm so sorry!

- What are you doing with my shit? - I'm a huge fan.

- Let me give you a hand with that. - Leave it alone.

I had no idea you be c...

- A dildo on a stick? That's crazy! - That's mine.

Let me see if I can help you get everything in!

What are you doing?

Jesus!

What the fuck?!

God damn!

What...

God... I'm in my fucking suitcase.

Richard, what the fuck?

It's a present.

Hey! Assholes!

Coffee shop.

Lattes, no foam.

Yeah.

Uh, I got to go.

Why did you bring him?

Mind your own business and get us out of here!

Shut up, you big crybaby.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Hey!

Move, move, move, move, move. Go, go, go.

Let's go, baby.

Where is... the damn key?

You don't have the keys?

I thought you had the keys.

It's like when you were a kid.

- Sometimes it helps to retrace your steps. - Oh.

Mohammed.

You're under arrest!

You killed Harry!

Start shooting, John. Do something. Shit!

Harry wasn't hurting nobody.

What the fuck am I gonna do with all those damn diapers I bought him?

Good God!

You're stepping on my thing!

Brother Tarik knows one of the offenders female cohorts.

Already, he is on his way to their residence to intercept and capture them.

Allah be praised!

Now you will give your lives to avenge this outrage.

Or we could just kill the other guys.

Yeah!

Jesus Christ, can you control this thing?

Yes!

Watch where you're going!

Oh, god.

It's the moo cow from the welfare office.

"Sorry, we're closed."

Bitch!

What was that?

I thought we had a flat, but we just ran over some girl.

Whew! Thank god.

Got a body on maple.

Tag 22, please repeat your location.

Maple, like the syrup.

Oh, this is fucking fantastic.

Oh, my God, these kids are heavy!

Okay. All right.

Gary! Wait.

Just wait. Wait.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Roll it, Gary.

Make me a star.

This is Gayle Ravenson reporting live from Little Germany theme park,

on what will forevermore

be known as the place where the laughter died.

Celebrity icon Verne Troyer is currently missing or presumed dead.

The coward responsible for this massacre

has been described as a rodent-like man with red hair

and wearing a "peace" T-shirt.

Back to you, Bob.

Oh, that's right.

You're dead.

These kids are starting to smell.

I can't believe I took this fucking job.

Fucking bullshit.

God damn it.

This helps.

Definitely helps.

We need to get him inside immediately,

- along with the merchandise! - Yes.

Jesus titty-fuck, they're already here.

Now what do we do?

That was the safest place in all of Paradise.

You guys don't have like a bomb shelter

or a basement or something, you know,

that the Taliban couldn't have found themselves, right?

- No, we don't. - We do.

- What? - We do.

There's a massive underground shelter beneath the main compound.

It's perfect.

You know what would be perfect?

My foot up your ass.

Who the fuck are you people?

What the fuck did you bring him for?

You'll see, Uncle Dave.

Do you think we can sneak him past the Taliban without them finding out?

We can try, but what would we do about the truck?

I'll take care of the truck.

Wait a minute, why don't I know about this shelter, Richie?

And where the fuck are you gonna hide my Krotchy dolls?

In plain sight.

Somebody grab the little guy.

Come on, little guy.

What the fuck's going on?

Come on.

Okay. Shut up.

Come on.

Citizens of this great nation...

Town...

be on the lookout for this psychopathic, deranged killer,

also known as...

Postal Dude.

Postal Dude.

That's the best we could come up... Postal Dude.

He's wanted in conjunction with the kidnapping,

the shooting at the welfare office...

the assassination of candidate Wells...

and killing a Chinese woman.

He killed a poor, innocent Chinese lady.

So, if you see him...

You ever just have one of those days?

Mm, no.

Hey! Hey!

The Postal Dude!

Get him!

Hey, come on!

Uh, I don't think that's him.

See how his hair flows, though?

This guy looks more like Jesus.

Shit. Shit.

Shit, shit, shit.

Let's go!

Thank you!

Get him! Come on!

Hey, which way did he go?

This way!

Why did you help him?

Want to clean the windows again?

Yeah, fuck.

Hold it!

Up against the wall now!

Look like I bagged me the Postal Dude.

God damn!

You son of a bitch!

I think you busted my nose!

Ohh, fuck!

You fucking asshole!

I'm gonna fuck you up!

Sorry.

I think he went that way!

No wonder cops are crabby. This weighs a fucking ton.

Handcuffs... those are cool.

What is that? Is that like a flashlight?

Pepper spray.

Pepper spray is neat.

Officer!

Paul Lipscombe, neighborhood watchdog group, Chapter 232.

Good job, citizen.

Did you see the Postal Dude?

Yes, uh, yes.

He went down thataway.

Right.

Citizens united, let's get this fucker!

Get him!

Wow, a live-action Krotchy movie.

That sounds so great.

Yeah, it would be if we could find the right leading lady.

I don't suppose any of you girls could be actresses?

- Oh, I am. I am. - Me, me. Me.

I have way more credits than she does.

Nice outfit.

Like you couldn't be more of an ass already.

You look like a penguin.

So, I dropped the junk off.

Now, where is that underground shelter place?

Go through the bedroom.

Yeah, the... okay.

All right, all right, I'm going in.

All right.

All right, I'm going in. Stay.

- Have you heard from Osama? - No.

- Heard from the truck? - No.

- Have you seen the dog? - No!

- Do you know anything? - I don't know.

You are stupid!

Mohammed, I'm sorry.

Stupid...

Lauren Calcutt, insider trading of over three million dollars.

Linda Monteill, kicked her neighbours dog,

we'll have more on my investigation

as to why the World Trade Center victims deserved to die,

after the break.

Discouraged by the inability to stem the...

prevents the continent from having any further contact

with the rest of the planet.

According to leading experts,

video games are the number-one cause of violence in children.

Heavy metal music, horror movies and nipple piercings are also to blame.

Psst! Puss, puss, puss.

Here, you stupid cat.

Good kitty.

Come on. Come on.

Stay low.

I already am.

Go. Go, go, go.

Let's go. Come on. Up, up, up, up, up, up.

Get him. Get him. Get him.

Line up, my sexies.

That includes you, too, Mr. Troyer.

Jenny, would you mind opening it?

My pleasure.

Jenny, you, too, huh?

Am I the only fucking person

who didn't know there was a bomb shelter underneath my bedroom?

It's not a bomb shelter, Uncle Dave.

I can't believe this fucking shit.

It's a god shelter.

Richie, what the fuck is this?

This is amazing.

This is a shithole.

What is all this for?

Dave's bible, Chapter 11, Psalm 23...

"and in the end, the fire and the plagues

"will come at the behest of the Lord,

"and the sores and the boils,

"and the intestinal ulcers and testicular tumors

shall befall all of humanity"...

except for those who hide like rabbits below the ground.

I can't believe this.

You guys build this all by yourself just because I wrote that shit?

I am of true faith, uncle Dave.

Even if you are not.

Hey, this is pretty sweet. You ever, uh, fire...

Don't touch anything!

We will need every bullet for the end of all things.

That's great, Richie. But right now we've got a problem, all right?

My house is full of a bunch of fucking religious fanatics

who think they're gonna be the chosen people at the end of the world.

- As opposed to... - Shut the fuck up.

Why don't you shut the fuck up?

You don't think I'll come over there? I'll come over there.

I'll stick this finger up your ass.

Yeah, you and what fucking ladder?

- I'll get you. - I'll fucking...

Take this.

God damn.

Richie, the point is...

We don't need to be worried about the end right now, okay?

We just need to take those guns, go upstairs, kill some motherfuckers,

get my merchandise back,

sell it so we can pay off the IRS, all right?

Not gonna sell the merchandise, Uncle Dave.

What?!

I am sorry to inform you,

but that was never part of the plan.

So, what is the plan?

To end the world, of course.

You guys have issues, man.

Did you know about this?

- No, I didn't fucking know about this. - But he works for you.

Apparently not.

Dah! I can hear you.

Richie...

Richie...

Now it is time for the rest of you

to know the full extent of our plan.

This is why we need the Krotchy dolls.

What happens up my ass stays up my ass.

The Avian Bird Flu...

The plague for which the western devil has no cure.

If these dolls

are to be distributed throughout the United States,

there will be death and destruction

beyond all comprehension!

Yeah!

That is what I'm talkin' about.

Hi, I'm Krotchy, I'm a boner.

So, to make a long story short,

the Taliban wanted to get ahold of the flu,

and ma-na na-na na-na na-na Na, and they were gonna spread it.

Those fuckers wanna spread the bird flu!

Wait, but how did you know?

Oh, wait a minute! Yeah, I knew I seen you before.

You were at the coffee shop with that Arab dude.

Bingo.

She was sleeping with the terrorist to discover their plan.

- Undercover reconnaissance. - With your vagina.

- I took one for the team. - You took a lot more than one, honey.

Whatever. I mean, we stopped them, right?

We're good.

Exactly!

We stopped them...

so that we could do it our own way.

What?

See, they only wanted to spread it in the United States,

but in order to fulfill the prophecy in Dave's bible,

We must wipe out the entire planet.

He's fucking nuts.

Sorry, sweetie. God's orders.

Come on!

Yeah, look Richie. I don't care how fucked up I was.

I never wrote anything about killing everybody with bird flu.

Not precisely.

But when I read between the lines.

I felt confident that that's what you meant.

Which brings us to you, Mr. Verne Troyer!

If he wrote anything about me in that bible,

we're gonna have some serious problems.

"And you shall know when the final day of reckoning begins

"because on that day, a tiny entertainer

will be raped by a thousand monkeys!"

That's it. I'm gonna kick your fucking ass.

I'm sorry, little...

Enough! Enough! Enough!

Stop him! We must do as God commands!

God damn it.

Hey, look man. You know what,

if it makes you feel better I promise to never gonna smoke up again.

You are about to witness the beginning of the end.

Bring on the monkeys!

Oh, not the monkeys.

Where'd you get so many monkeys?

I don't fucking know.

I got nothing to do with this shit.

Oh, shit.

Don't fuck the pants up, please.

That one looks like Ron Jeremy.

All in all, this has really not been a very pleasant day.

- Yeah. - But...

Unfortunately, the desperate nature of our situation

suggests that we may need another of us

to embrace martyrdom as we bring our fight to the Infidels.

Now...

Who amongst us, will take that honor, today?

How about you, Mohammed? You are so worthy.

Oh, thank you. Thank you, very much.

And I would love to, I would love to.

Believe me, nobody more than me would love to.

But, unfortunately Osama told me I couldn't.

Hey, let's go do some drugs. - How about Abdul?

Oh, that is a great idea, a great idea... genius!

Of course, one must agree willingly.

Now, Abdul...

If you don't want to be blown into a tiny million pieces,

raise your hand, hop on one foot, and sing "Free Bird."

Abdul it is.

Congratulations my brother, congratulations.

Now, if we just had Osama.

Does anybody know where the fuck he is?!

So, you can see that just by changing the words you use,

you can motivate your employees in all new ways.

If you master my 117 steps to dominating your employees,

I personally guarantee you will have a team

of little killer bees ready to live or die at your command.

You can make them work for 72 hours straight at a time,

especially if you put crystal meth in the water.

Now, some of you may be asking, "isn't crystal meth illegal?"

Technically, yes,

but the U.S. Air force uses it to fuel their pilots

when they're on night missions over Afghanistan.

So it can't be that illegal if the U.S. Air force uses it.

Now, if you look at page 5 you'll see a cartoon.

What's in that cartoon, you say.

Well, that's for you to figure out.

Because humor in the workplace is something else I want you to think about.

If you can make your employees laugh they will be your slaves forever.

And you wont have to use real chains.

Now, open up your workbooks to page 12.

"How to create and English accent to create an aura of authority."

Now, altogether now, make your mouth into the shape of an "O"

That's right. That is the perfect English accent sound.

Add "O" to everything you say.

"I would like a café latte O"

Make your mouth round, that's what the Queen of England does.

In fact, when she goes to sleep at night

she puts a small tube in her mouth to give herself a perfect embouchure.

Or the "O" shaped shape of the mouth.

That tube is on sale with my tapes and my CD-Rom

for an extra special price of only $9,95.

So... what now?

So, you're just gonna shoot us?

Yeah, you know, I'm really sorry, man.

I mean, obviously, this is some sort of misunderstanding,

But you can see where I kind of have to go with it at this point.

I mean, you're my nephew, but these are my people.

Got to lead them to the Promised Land.

You're a douche.

- Not. - Yeah.

Actually, the bible doesn't say to kill you.

What the fuck, Richie?

Come on, what?

I'm... I'm God on earth, remember?

Read your fucking bible.

- Yeah, like I said. - Right?

When you read between the lines,

it's remarkable how the meanings change.

Now, the way I read it

was God chose you as a pawn to get this movement going.

But now it's time for someone else to take charge...

someone...

who truly believes.

No, Richie.

Fuck!

Fuck me!

I'm fucking gay!

Who the fuck knew?

I had no clue, man, but this explains a lot.

Oh, I can finally learn to love myself for who I am.

I'm a fucking chubby chaser, too!

Fuck it, man!

This is great.

You know what?

Today is the start of my whole new life.

Right.

Mitzi.

Okay, so I'm bi.

Yuck!

You.

You we are grateful to,

so we will let you live...

Until the bird flu gets you.

Or we can put you out of your misery right now... either way!

Actually...

Actually...

Uh, no.

Um, you have to leave me alive...

Richie...

if you want to have your little... Apocalypse.

And why is that?

Uh, because I am the only guy

who knows where the truck filled with bird flu is parked.

Yeah! That's clever!

That is clever!

But it's not insurmountable.

You didn't go far.

We'll just find it ourselves,

and then we'll kill you!

Or not, remember?

The bible said that you didn't have to kill me,

And you said you weren't going to,

And you killed Dave.

Yeah, but as soon as I said that, I just...

It just was a lousy idea, so ha-ha.

We'll be right back.

Get in there!

What are you still doing here?

We're supposed to wait for Richard to get back with the truck.

And then we eat the poison brownies and ascend into God's love.

Starr couldn't wait.

She was on a cleanse.

Yeah, that all sounds like a real good plan.

Me...

I'm gonna go upstairs...

kill me some terrorists...

probably die in a hail of bullets.

If by some miracle I make it out alive,

I'm gonna find that fat fuck of yours, Richard,

and stick this machine gun up his self-righteous ass.

Yeah.

Decisions, decisions.

Mine.

Mine.

- What? - Yours.

Oh, you are good.

- Well, you are better. - I know.

Come on.

Let's go.

You cunning little bitch.

You're not retarded, are you?

You've just been faking it.

Mine.

You cunt!

They'll meet us later.

All right, ladies.

This is where we split up.

Go home to your families.

Think for yourselves,

And no more crazy cults

that look forward to the end of the world.

Don't worry. We've decided to be Christians from now on.

Well...

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Hold on. Hold on.

Why?

Because you're married?

No, I just want to give Karen a turn.

Oh, my God.

Paradise, here I come.

Speaking of wild shit,

have you seen that guy's wife?

Yeah, she's hard to miss.

Yeah.

She's a good fuck, though.

You fucked her?

Several times.

She's got a clapper in her trailer.

The lights go on and off and on and off.

Makes you feel like a rock star!

Let's go to the trailer.

Hey, it's the Postal Dude!

Get him!

Go! Go! Go!

Come on!

Go! Go!

- Come on. - Shoot him!

Eat this!

I'm sorry!

Bye, cowards!

You are so hot.

And you turned into a crazy psychopath.

There were some pretty good reasons.

That's what they all say.

I have to destroy a postal truck filled with lethal microbes

before a doomsday cult or a terrorist group

gets their hands on it and destroys the entire world.

Yeah, like I believe that.

Jihad!

- Huh? - Jihad!

Okay. Uh, where's that truck?

Great.

Okay.

Oh. I'm sorry, Mr. Laden.

It looks like your credit card's been declined.

What?

It looks like every free government on the planet

has frozen your assets.

Would you take a check?

Cash, American.

I'm a little short.

Sammy, we need you right away.

Do you have any cash?

No.

Run!

Freakin' Arabs.

Go back to Mecca and run around your big black box!

There you go, Courtney. Hi.

Alright, now. Let's run that through.

Looks like your money's good, you're American.

Even though you are black.

Look out!

Fucking hippies!

- Oh, god. - You okay?

Yeah, you ever get like a hangnail?

Yeah, it's brutal.

What the hell was that?

Where are we going?

Some place where nobody will notice a giant explosion.

I tell you, Mohammed, "117 steps to dominating your employees".

He talked about how you can get your employees to kill and die for you.

Kill and die for you?

And, he talked about how if you make your employees believe that you are God

you will be God to your employees.

That's good, you should make a note of that.

It was amazing, it was just and amazing seminar.

Fuck her, Greg.

Ja, come on. Fuck her, Greg.

How's that, huh?

A little to the left, motherfucker.

You're right. You're right.

Yes! Give it to me.

Who is that?

My soon-to-be-ex-wife.

- You like that? - Yes!

Great job! A little faster.

That ought to do it.

All right.

Here, champ! Come on, buddy.

Champ?

Come on!

Ah, poop.

Let's get out of here.

All right.

Too late.

What the fuck is that?

Fucking guy! We're gonna fucking mess you up!

Back! Back!

Fucking die!

I love you, Greggie. I love you, too.

Go back! Go back!

Okay, before we do this.

Let's remember

what we learned from the pamphlets from the seminar, okay?

That true change starts from within!

Okay? Also...

We learned from the seminar that true strength comes in numbers!

Okay, also...

That if you want something to be done right, you do it yourself!

So, let's do it! All right!

Hey!

God damn it!

Get the hell off my property!

Motherfucking piece of shit!

Hand over the Avian Flu, Infidel!

Hello?

That's their truck, right?

Oh, there he is...

the guy who killed Uncle Dave.

We must rebalance our energies by cutting out his spleen!

Okay.

Fuck this.

Bomb!

Bomb!

Bomb!

B-b-b-b-bomb! Bomb!

Hold up! Fuck!

"Big bomb that could take out a whole city block" bomb.

Do I have your attention?

Get down here!

What is wrong with you people?

You're so busy trying to blow up the world in the name of God.

News flash, fucktards...

God doesn't need your help.

He's God!

And he, she, it...

They gave you life.

And you're wasting it.

Look around you. Look.

Look, God damn it!

See?

We're not that different

'cause we all come from the same family

known as humanity.

Now, what do families do?

Do they fight?

Yeah, sure.

But they work it out 'cause they love each other,

and they know that they're stuck with each other,

just like all of us are,

here on the crazy big mud ball called Earth.

So, come on, people.

Let's try and find some common ground, huh?

Uh, well, we all hate Jews!

Yeah, well, everybody knows that, yeah.

No, no, no, no, not a hate thing.

Ah, sh...

A happy thing.

I don't get it.

I think it's time to empty our hands of guns

so we can fill our hands

with hugs.

If you want to waste this precious gift we call life,

I can't stop you.

So, go ahead.

Shoot.

Or...

hug.

Shoot him.

Oh, you motherfuckers!

God damn!

I'm starting to get pissed.

Greggie, I'm still wet, though!

Just plug that little thing in. I'll be there in one second.

You've got to be fucking kidding me.

You like that?

Hey, Mo, save some virgins for me.

Please insert an additional 25 cents

to complete your long-distance call.

Hello, this is George W. Bush.

It's Osama.

I need some help, man!

Hi, there, Osama. How are you?

You got to speak up, George.

- I can't hear you over the gunfire. - Hmm?

Gunfire. I'm trapped in a trailer park in Paradise city.

I'm here for you, buddy.

We got you on satellite.

Should I send a couple cruise missiles down there?

No, I...

Please insert an additional 25 cents

to continue your long-distance call.

I was thinking maybe a helicopter to come pick me up.

Hey, that... that could work.

Uh, there's a field just south of you.

I'll pick you up there.

Aw, thanks, Georgie.

- I, um... - Yes?

I just wish I knew how to quit you.

Next time get a phone card.

No hand-to-hand combat, no hand-to-hand combat.

Hello.

Internal Revenue Service, Frank Dumont.

We're here to conduct an audit on a Mr. David Clark.

You are American government?

Yes, sir. Is Mr. Clark at home?

Hold on one moment, government man.

I have someone to speak to you.

Unauthorized fruit sales.

I should have brought that dip.

Jihad! Jihad!

Ji... oh, yeah.

Jihad, yeah.

Abdul!

Abdul, where is your belt?

You're not wearing your explosive belt.

We're taking the cop car.

Abdul.

Lorraine, Lorraine...

Stop licking your own asshole, okay?

You're my publisher.

You tell them that this is a prime example

of why everybody should buy my book,

"how to fire an employee without making him go postal"...

Because I'm a f...

You ruined everything!

Oh, shit! Oh, shit!

Don't be a dick...

No!

Dick.

Did you... champ!

Hey, buddy.

Hey! Hey!

I thought I smelled poo-poo breath.

Nice to see you, pal.

We're interrupting our regular broadcast

to take you live for this emergency announcement

from the President.

This is the President

of the United States of America.

C.I.A. Intelligence has confirmed

that the governments of China and India

were directly responsible for the terrorist cell

recently uncovered in Paradise.

Worse still, they continue to make T-shirts for well under $1.

In response, we've been forced

to destroy both countries with "nucular" force.

China, despite all our freedom-loving efforts,

was able to send 30 atomic warheads our way.

They should hit in a little under two minutes.

I wish you all the best of luck with your future endeavors,

and God Bless America.

Well?

I regret nothing.

You know what? Forget the stuff.

- Oh! - What are you doing?

Don't you want me to get out of here? Come on!

Come on!

Come on.

Go out!

They got a Hu...

♪hand in hand, we'll stroll the land in the peace and harmony

♪we'll be friends till the end

♪buddies, you and me

Georgie, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship

♪flowers all around

♪from the birth of mother earth

♪we hear the magic sound, singing

♪devils cast into the sea

♪brothers without love

♪ripple to a tidal wave

♪swelling to a flood

♪brave the storm, you lonesome ships

♪courage, it's not far

♪sail away

♪we'll find a day in the land of la-la-la, singing

♪tree of life bearing fruit

♪nourishing us all

♪as the sun will become the father standing tall

♪let us take our Appleseed and plant it in the ground

♪soon we'll seen an apple tree and hear the magic sound

Attention, residents of the planet earth.

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