Original subtitles

COUGHS

I before E.

COUGHS

Except after C.

Sorry, I've got an awful cough!

FORCED LAUGH

Shh!

What on earth?!

The library is open!

Class K, this is unacceptable.

I can't accept is that dandruff.

You've got a whole generation of snowflakes on them shoulders.

How dare you!

How dare you, with that lemon and herb energy!

Now, look...

What perfume you wearing?

At least you're doing your bit for the environment,

because those bags under your eyes are for life.

Madam, might I suggest, "jack-at po-tah-toh" to go with that...

GAGS

Don't think it's her breath, fam.

You know what they say, plenty more fish in the V.

And that's that. On period. ALL: Period!

Are you out of your tiny minds?!

It ain't personal,

and you just got read like on Drag Race.

Sir's been prepping us all term.

No, literacy as in reading and writing.

Books, analysis, critical thinking.

Excuse me!

Now look what you've done! Oh, wait, I'm so sorry!

No, but, sorry, that was unreal, I'm so proud of you all!

Oh, shit, sir, if I fail another exam, my mum is going to kill you.

education isn't about the destination, it's about the journey.

I said, she'll kill YOU!

Who else do you think our parents are going to blame?

NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE

What I will say is...

Whatever!

NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE

Enough!

Oh, my God!

Miss Hoburn, wait!

Last week, Usma's mum told me, if her grades slip again,

she's going to soak my cleansing cloth in chloroform.

Jesus, she actually said that?

Word for word...

..with her eyes!

savage, I dress straight for them.

Hm? Last parents' evening...

Go on.

SNIFFS

I wore...

..Burton.

You're joking. I'm sorry, mate.

despite my best efforts,

it looks like I'm stuck at this godforsaken school for the long haul

and now, thanks to you, we could go into special measures.

Oh, well... SINGSONG: You're wel-come!

SINGSONG: ..ba-a-a-ad!

We'll be under constant supervision, crucified for every tiny mistake

by these, well, apparatchiks.

Mr Harper, what are you doing here? Eh?

Oh, I just assumed I'd

You're not "in trouble an' all".

It's Mr Carmichael's head on the chopping board today. Go on, shoo! Sweet.

Now, thanks to you, your form are in danger of failing basic literacy.

sit another literacy exam.

Members of the exam board will stay here today to

observe their preparations.

If any member of staff tries to help Class K,

it will count as cheating,

I get it, no cheating, no cheating! Are you still going to WhatsApp the questions as usual?

No!

SHE LAUGHS

No, absolutely not, absolutely...

I don't know what you're

The exam will take the form of a spoken presentation, as they are harder to cheat in.

Hm. This decision was taken after some rather silly concerns were

raised about my own behaviour

literally ask anyone, ask anyone, I always... I always carry

a pocket English dictionary in my pocket. The clue's in the title!

And would the examiners like to tell us what book the children

LOUD THUMP

Oh, yes, good choice, the plays of great British writer

George Bernard Shaw.

Oh, I'm pretty sure he was Irish.

Don't... The board would like you to read

Pygmalion, and then they would like you to present a critical

analysis of said play.

Oh, dear, yes, that is... I think that's the only copy in the library.

Most of our books are in much better

a thumb in Bernard Shaw. Well, two thumbs, essentially.

I mean, I probably, if I could, get a whole fist in the guy!

Sorry, Miss? Yes?

Is there any chance we can read a different play?

presentation by the book,

or you will all suffer the consequences.

Give me your phones.

No Google, no TikTok,

no Wikipedia, no ChatGPT.

Come on, man.

Of course.

GULPS

Hey! Oh!

STUTTERS

I'm so stressed.

Whoa, I think I'm having a stroke. I can smell dog shit!

That's not a symptom of a stroke.

that was you, I saw you tread in it earlier.

SCREAMS

What? Jinx, why didn't you tell me?

I didn't want to be a white saviour.

As a reluctantly cishet girl who goes on two holidays every year,

I am very aware of my blind spots.

Maybe you wanted to tread in it.

Yo, yo, yo, yo, guys... Guys, she Jinxed it.

I Jinxed it? What's that?

Ah, it's just banter, innit?

It's what you say when someone's

As in, me, my, my name... Who... Who says that?

Oh, just... Just us and the rest of the school.

Pavel...and Edna. My cousin, my mum.

My parrot said it one time.

Everyone. He did, I remember him saying that.

Yo, wait, Jinx.

WHISTLE

WHISTLE

OK, hippos, who's hungry for more balls?

As I said to the missus last...

Right, you know what you're doing, I'll be in me office.

Jinx? Oh. Is...

SNIFFS

Hey, what's the matter?

You see someone drinking out a plastic cup again?

How thick do you think I am?

Come on, you can tell me.

Oh, sir, I don't think you're thick.

I think you're the product of a broken system.

No, I meant, you can tell me why you're crying.

RECORD SCRATCH

..and my therapist says I overthink things, but what child of six isn't

traumatised by the bloodthirsty consumerism of duck-duck-goose?

And then, when I was 11... Jinx, Jinx! Jesus!

Why do you care what people think?

I can't help it.

My first word was "sorry", and yesterday,

I apologised to my own reflection.

Right, well... Well, I can help with that.

Come on girl, we've got work to do.

SCREAMS

Remember, two legs good, four legs bad, yeah?

If your feet are on the ground, you're listening, you're involved.

Are you listening? Yes.

No! Never listen!

Further, further... Further.

SCREAMS

Right.

There's one seat left on the train.

Excuse me, elderly lady... Not that you look elderly,

I'm sure you have a lovely

HORN

Pardon me, I see that you are with child, if you'd like to take a seat. HORN

You're on the Stanstead Express for a 6am flight to Cork, what you drinking?

HORN

Sorry, oat flat white.

HORN

Vodka? Nope. What's wrong with vodka?

It's slimming. Oh!

HORN

Guinness and a white wine spritzer for the lady. Better.

At the minute, yeah, you're here, isosceles.

We need more equilateral, yeah?

So I'm talking elbows out,

GRUNTS

All right, you win!

Oh, wait a minute, what's this?

The clouds have opened, the sun's come out,

it's about to hit nine degrees Celsius, you got ten seconds

blaring Pitbull out your phone!

Take my top off? No, don't do that, actually.

Now, this phone cost me 200 quid.

It's where I keep the only photos I have of my late grandmother

and my beautiful baby boy.

Now, what you going to do?

Three, two, one.

Wanker!

Are you Tottenham in disguise? Brap-brap, oi!

By St George, I think she's got it.

Yo, Detective Pikachu, go faster, man.

The man wrote a lot of plays, OK?

Psst! How's it going?

Sir, why are you dressed like a nurse?

Because Hoburn and that exam woman are trying stop me from

helping you and this is an

So don't be coming at me with that Kourtney and Kim season 18, episode one energy, OK?

What? Well, we ain't even started Pygmalion yet.

Sir, why don't you teach us

That concealer application is looking pretty useful to me,

sis, but I am sorry, OK?

Your parents are going to kill me. Bruv, I ain't scared of my dad.

If man steps to me, he's getting whacked.

be diagonally, cos he's a bishop.

Huh? It's a chess joke. No? OK.

Don't worry, I got it. No, you didn't, but, thank you.

Sir, it's calm, we have Jinx, remember?

Ah, of course, and where is that little piece of tofu?

I i i.

Ah, she'll know what a Pygmalion is. That's Tony's juice!

OK, Jemima, it's giving.

Giving nothing?

OK!

Um... Obsessed.

But we kinda need to focus on the presentation, so, wind your neck in.

Mm... Yeah, the presentation.

I guess you're right about me, cos I really couldn't give

or any of you lot for that matter.

Wig.

But the play is probably written by some dead, old white guy.

Mm, you going to eat those?

Goddamn! Blessing's right.

I bet there's loads about misogyny

Jinx, you hate that shit. Nah, drop me out, you melt.

Why are you talking like Mr Harper?

BELL RINGS

Look, I'm telling you lot, there's a code in the title, right?

Yo, I've rearranged the letters.

Like a pig Iron Man, olden-day superhero shit.

OK!

There's loads of superhero stuff in the costume cupboard.

Nah, Pygmalion's that dirty STI Warren's nan got on that swingers cruise.

swingers, it was for lonely hearts.

Yeah? Why do you think they called the jacuzzi egg drop soup? Urgh!

Juvenile.

Hey, Jinx. Hey, babe. Hey, bestie.

Come on, Jinx, I know you love

Before I met you, I thought period drama was wearing white jeans on a heavy day.

Oh! Yes! It's the last page, there's something about a sculpture and a character called Eliza Doolittle.

Is she pretty? Show me her.

OK, so if we all work together, we can each take one act of the play and read it for the presentation.

Hey, yo, yo, yo, yo! What is this?

I found it stashed in the dressing-up cupboard.

Hey, it's got

Oh, my God! It's a burn book, it's going to be full of gossip, give me!

Hey, nah, nah, nah, nah. Hey, listen to this. "Harrison is so dumb, people do reps with him."

Ooh, found one on you!

"Warren's got as much personality as that bit of water that

"builds on out-of-date yoghurts."

Well, well... Oh, oh!

"Inchez's bars are so soft, people hear them

it's not butter!"

Hey, give me that, give me that.

"Usma is so dumb..." Oh, no! "..she'd try using Bic Biro on her eyebrow."

Give me that book!

Ooh...

so bad,

"when she yawns, her teeth duck."

What's up!

LAUGHTER

Yeah?

Well, see how you lot get on without my help.

What? Yo...

No no no no no!

It's fragile, please! Give it to me!

Get off!

THEY SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER

Jinx, you've got gravy on the book.

Pfft. Ah, shut up!

LAUGHTER

about you in there?

Wait. Because she wrote it.

Jinx wrote down all the shit she's too scared to say

to my immaculate face!

Fine.

Maybe I did write it.

Jesus.

And you owe me a bargain bucket!

Well, that's just brilliant.

The book's ruined.

Bravo! I can't believe I let you all drag me down to your level.

I ain't gonna be where

I'm Harry-Styling this out and going solo.

Shapeesh!

You're dickheads anyway, man.

Don't touch it - just leave it, OK?

Oh, here you go, mate. Here you go. Wahey! Wanker!

On the one day I needed her to be her beggy little self,

you've turned her into a little tramp.

Without her, Class K are screwed.

Yeah. Yeah, I taught that girl to fart in public.

I've never felt more alive in my life.

Well, I'm glad you feel alive, because if they fail

this presentation, their parents are going to kill me!

Give me your phone.

Oh. Sorry, mate. She's a write-off.

God! And none of the other teachers will give me their phones

because they're all snakes.

We're running out of time.

We need to google this play.

We need a phone.

in the shadows, for the sickos

and the freaks, where no sane person would ever go.

The library.

Worse.

Much, much worse.

SHE PLAYS RIFF

All right, shaggers?

Tell you what, anyone fancy a scream into the abyss?

AMERICAN ACCENT: Hey, oh, what's that tune you're playing?

It's, like, so depressing.

How about we prank call each other's moms

a car accident?

Oh, gnarly!

Oi, give us your phone, please. Five minutes.

Harper, Carmichael.

I do not want to see you trying to help Class K.

You see, I have a zero-tolerance

Now, off you go.

In separate directions.

THEY SIGH

See you later, dude.

Sis, let me use your phone for two minutes

and I'll do your eyebrows.

Why are you laughing?

LAUGHTER ECHOES

Why are you giving these out to everyone?!

I kicked off me Jesus creepers and threw on some mug boots.

What? It's just a bit of banter. No big deal.

Here you are, boys.

a long time ago.

Consider yourself unfollowed!

Buh-bye.

Please, can I just borrow someone's phone very qui...?

Can you just stop laughing!

I need a phone right now.

It's not that bad - it has personality!

You know what? I'm gonna be getting you lot back for this.

You guys are mean!

Butter? Flour me, man.

That burn book knows

Let me use your phone.

Soz, the police are still holding it in evidence.

That detective has a real head girl energy.

Yo, what is this?

Miss Hoburn wanted me to organise

of the examiner.

A slice of March Hare.

You think it's rabbit but it's actually pork,

because nothing is what it seems.

In fact, technically it's not even pork.

Mistaken - fake bacon.

Sluiced from the floor of the abattoir.

Wait. If you make me a sculpture of a pig for this presentation,

I'll let you direct my next music video.

Oh, I knew you'd see sense!

with this stuff.

I just need a pig, Fraser.

Just leave it in the playground before the presentation, yeah?

Oh, and those examiners cannot see you help me. You feel me?

Now?

everything weird, fam?

HE TUTS

DANCE MUSIC

Jinx! This has gone too far.

That presentation starts in an hour and if Class K fail,

everyone suffers.

Oi, Skids, chuck us a coke.

His name's Mark.

That is quality, to be fair.

HORN BLARES

Do you know what, Jinx?

When I first met you I thought, "What a melt."

I don't know if it was your hair, or the little clips that you

that you do on your head or...

Why is it all hair related? Look, what I'm saying is,

I'm glad you're happier like this.

But I told you to stop worrying - never told you to stop caring.

out to dry, Jinx.

HOOTER

Jesus!

I spend my bank holiday itemising problematic tropes

and rap genius, and they call me Greta-no-mates.

I re-use my pasta water to wash

If they spent a little less time being dicks,

they'd realise that Pygmalion is just the film Pretty Woman.

Warren's seen it 14 times with his nan.

Now, if you don't mind,

of Tangfastic to the spit pit.

Big mistake, Jinx.

Huge.

Oof. She's called Judith.

Named her after Mother.

Same disappointed look in her eyes.

Cute. Listen, in my defence,

because, well, I love my kids

and that scrubby little English teacher kept refusing to tell me

what happens in Pygmalion.

So, one thing led to another...

MUSIC: Mathilde by Scott Walker

MUFFLED SHOUTS

gone back to hell...

Witnesses? I don't think so. Beginner's luck.

So what am I gonna do about this English teacher?

You could always pay me now and break the ice.

Fraser, why are you quoting Pretty Woman?

Because Pretty Woman is Pygmalion.

Guy meets girl, turns her into something she's not.

before.

It's basically my relationship template.

Yes, Fraser! Thank God you're so bad with women,

but how am I gonna tell the kids with Hoburn watching me?

You just do what you do best.

Karaoke?

MUSIC: Pretty Woman by Roy Orbison

Oof!

OK, I'm dead.

walkin' down the street

the kind I like to meet...

Sorry, what?

Well, Jinx let slip that it was Pretty Woman,

so I'm trying to give the class a heads up.

Mm. PRETTY Woman, but snaps.

You're so selfish, man.

Just show me what you're writing about...

KIDS SPEAK OVER EACH OTHER

Say, "Pretty Woman."

Pretty...

Pretty Woman, pretty Woman!

INDISTINCT CHATTER

That's her!

Erm, they didn't look like they were working.

Oh, shit, what time is it?

I haven't got my phone - I'm screwed!

Right, that presentation

so we need to find a way into that classroom without anyone seeing us.

You're not claustrophobic, are you?

I can't get in.

I feel like I'm thumbing in a softy.

You need to get in the foetal

you're hiding in the boot of a woman's car.

No good. Stephen, you're up.

Huh? Ah, absolutely not.

Any minute now them kids are gonna be sat in that assembly hall

waiting for that exam to start.

It's 2010. It's 2010. You're Gaga, you're Gaga,

you're Gaga, you're Gaga!

Do you want me to grease you up or are you gonna go in dry?

Shut up, Fraser.

I'm gonna go in bareback.

SQUELCHING

Argh...

Mitchell, watch where you're going!

God, it stinks in here!

HIP-HOP PLAYS ON HEADPHONES

Fraser... Woohoo!

Inchez!

Pygmalion is Pretty Woman!

Oh, my God!

Inchez!

Mr Harper! Where are you going in those clothes?

Well, I could ask you the same thing.

What, you going shoplifting in that coat?

Oh, give it a rest! Oh!

in a cupboard,

babbling about Pretty Woman.

Perhaps I should've taken his hood off before he passed out.

But you're cheating?

Well, obviously.

It's our only hope!

able to shake off those

exam board ghouls.

All right, so what's your plan?

I plan to flash the children during the exam.

Right, don't stress. Stephen is in there right now telling the kids.

Can't you tell the time?

Bernie, I'll level with ya.

I have absolutely no idea how this thing works.

CLOCK TICKS

Hurry up, you fool!

Oh, I'm so sorry we're late.

TIMERS BEEP

in a farm, far, far away in Ireland,

there lived Dr Doolittle.

Oh, God, we're dead.

Shut up, yoghurt boy. You shut up!

In a world...

..where metal meets flesh...

..and all is chaos,

where swine rule...

Pop!

The boat!

What are you doing?

Chill, Miss.

It's a 4-D experience, innit?

One pig refused to go home.

His name...

Oi, dickhead,

move to the left.

It's got nothing to do with pigs.

Ahem.

Sirs, madams,

Eliza Doolittle is a hot girl

who had to deal with everybody's jealousy, even in the olden days.

Go find a personality!

Go get a brain cell!

I'm gonna get him!

Go for the eyes.

SHOUTING

I can't die in a pig, I can't die in a pig.

Not in this look, not in this wig!

SHOUTING

And scene!

SHOUTING STOPS

Erm...

USMA SIGHS

Judas!

Ladies and gentlemen of the exam board,

we present to you Class K's

Because, after all, aren't we all Pygmalion?

Ahem... Today, Mr Harper transformed me from an anxious bibliophile

and vegan into a yob,

the kind of person who hangs their mates out to dry.

Eliza Doolittle was

forced to become - elegant but submissive.

And peng.

Harrison embodies the blank pages in our lives that we are yet

to have written.

MUFFLED: Argh, argh, argh!

Oh, don't mind him - he's just the English teacher.

Who represents the...blindness of the patriarchy.

STEPHEN: Oh, my life, enough!

Ugh!

GASPS

Ah...

Oh...

Water!

I need water!

Ah!

To drink!

Oh.

And, ah, Mr Carmichael embodies

the core themes of Pygmalion...

..that within us all is a bold -

soul waiting to burst out.

We just...

We just need the courage to be seen for who we truly are.

And...period!

No.

CHEERING

LAUGHTER

but that burn book was jokes.

Oh, well, I didn't actually write it.

You guys all assumed I did and I was a little bit butt-hurt,

so I just went with it.

Sorry.

then who did?

Ah... My notebook!

Thank God.

Wait, are you serious? You wrote this?

Ah, have you met your parents?

I have to have clap-backs for when they go on about how

of a terrible teacher I am.

But you're not a terrible teacher. Yeah. Aw!

I guess I am amazing. Hm!

Thank you!

But if you wrote it, then why isn't

Oh, because my parents don't come to the school.

They don't ask questions or they're just too busy,

or they just don't...care.

Which is their loss, because they wouldn't get to hear

I would tell them about you.

Oh...

Well, erm, you could tell me now.

Don't be a beg.

Come on, home time.

Warren, chair.

Oh, and you know the Burton suit?

Burn it.

Come here!

The wicked money spoil, yeah.