Original subtitles

MUSIC: Buddy by De La Soul

Uh. Uh. Uh.

Hah!

And... back to me.

Huh!

Oof! Aah.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

THEY PANT

HOBURN'S VOICE: Slow down! Stop running!

Oi! You heard her.

Eugh.

Good girl.

Hello, Mother.

WHISPERS: Ssh! Do not call me that!

Come here, Chloreen.

You mean I have your permission to call you Mummy?

God, no! I don't want anyone to know that I've employed someone

who's passed through my reproductive tract.

They'll think I'm siphoning off school funds to pay for my family.

I was so happy when you unblocked me.

It's a dream come true.

I've always wanted to be an art teacher.

SHE SIGHS That was always your fatal flaw.

I fired our last art teacher because he asked me what star sign I was.

WHISPERS: Gemini.

You can't have that kind of man around kids.

But it freed up cash for me to splurge on my Ho-Dolls.

HOBURN'S VOICE: I am the law.

Sadly, the PTA is riddled with cranks and socialists,

and they want art back on the syllabus.

And, to be frank, you were cheap.

Well, I'm grateful that my teachers equipped me

with the creative tools to process my trauma.

Oh, not this again, Chloreen!

How could I have caused you trauma? I barely even saw you.

Yes, I was at boarding school aged six.

Look, I admit I got that one wrong.

I sent you away far, far too late.

But I did save you from that cult.

It was an improv group.

SHE SIGHS

SHE TUTS

Even worse. Yes, and...

Look, a member of staff has just told me

there could be asbestos in the school walls.

Now, if Fraser is right, the parents will have me over a barrel.

So, for now, please keep our relationship unseen and unheard.

Oh...

Excellent.

Pu-ssio!

Ah... Cut!

LAUGHTER

We're meant to be breaking the internet.

But right now, all that's breaking is my will to live.

If I'm going to get these brand deals,

I need at least 10K followers.

Only 9,990 to go.

Ugh, says the Degrassi Drake.

Brands are begging you to stop wearing their clothes.

Nike's like, "Just don't."

According to my research, the best ways to make a video

go viral are by filming something funny...

Mm-hm-hm-hm-hm.

BOTH: Next.

..something sexy... AMERICAN ACCENT: Hey, come on, now.

BOTH: Next.

..or filming something scary.

I can help with that!

HE SCREAMS

Sir, why are dressed like the Bride of Frankincense?

Because it's about time we start

taking the great works of theatre seriously.

Hmm? That's why I give you...

..The Woman In Black.

Oh, my God, are we going to study an actual play?

Huh?! No! I sent you the link to the movie.

Inchez didn't watch it. He was too much of a PUSSIO.

Look, galdem in a dress don't scare me, yeah?

SHE BLOWS

Aghhhh! Oh, man.

WHIRRING

Ooh!

Scusies! What IS that?

Ooh! They better be putting up my blue plaque.

I'm afraid not, sir. They misspelled "triple" -

AND "threat".

HE SIGHS

Warren, details!

I can't read!

MACHINERY WHIRS Oi! You're having a laugh, ain't ya?

Oi!

Oh. How the hell is a hardworking teacher meant to get any kip

with that racket?! What?

What are they doing?!

SHOUTS: Keep it to yourself,

but the walls may or may not...

- WHIRRING STOPS - ..contain asbestos!

BUILDER: Asbestos? Right, well, I don't think

you're meant to drill asbestos, love. Well, they know that, LOVE.

Fraser's attempting to banter with them,

but they just keep drowning him out.

I've got to say, lads, it is so refreshing to see you

actually working, even at a snail's pace,

rather than intimidating and harassing teenage girls

from your van.

Fancy a cup of tea? I can't hear myself think!

Any sugar?

Don't worry. I understand.

BUILDER: Oh, cheers.

WHIRRING STOPS

Oh, thank goodness for that.

I'm glad you're both here.

The builders have found something in the walls.

Can you explain this?

BOTH: The time capsule!

Ooh, um, we made it - with Mr Wickers.

We all just put something important-ish in there.

Yeah, but it weren't meant to be opened for, like, another 50 years.

Oh, well. No time like the present.

No! No! No!

You gentlemen wouldn't have any particular reason to keep it shut?

I don't. Do you? No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, I don't mind. No, I'm no bothered. No.

I mean, open it, but don't.

Oh, well, let's leave it, then.

Until tomorrow's assembly.

Give it the unveiling it truly deserves.

Yeah, whatever.

STEPHEN CHUCKLES

The past... Agh! ..contains many secrets,

but some secrets refuse to stay buried.

OK...

BOTH: Agh!

STAMMERING: Sorry, my love, are you new here?

Yes, although my flesh and blood have walked these halls before.

Hmm.

Agh! Oh! Bloody hell!

She's the new art teacher.

Right, well that explains why she's talking bollocks.

SHE CHUCKLES

I'm Fraser. I love art.

Who's your favourite artist?

Turner. Simply the best.

HE SCOFFS

She means the painter.

ALL: Ugh!

Spooky. Oops!

Erm... I'm done here. Yeah, no... See you later.

I've got loads of stuff to be getting on with.

Where, oh, where did she go?

HE SNIFFS

HO-DOLL: Get back to work!

FIRE ALARM CHIMES

PANICKED CHATTER

I'm putting together a crew for a little score tonight.

Are you in? What's the...? Are you in or out?

You need to tell me cos I can't see ya.

GIRL GASPS Come with me if you want to live!

Actually, I'll just take Usma, Warren and Jinx. Thank you.

Today!

So, you put something in the time capsule,

but Mr Carmichael ain't going to like it?

Mm-hm, but I can't remember what.

Sir, just try and remember.

I... I know he had a Weston

cos he lost his ticket to The Pussycat Dolls.

Oh, sir, he's going to kill you.

No, I'm 90% sure I didn't put the ticket in the time capsule.

80%.

50/50.

THEY SIGH

Sir, I'm trying to find a way into the school so we can steal that

time capsule, but I can't do that if you keep blocking my line of sight.

Gurl, I know how to break into the school.

First, I will tour en l'air to avoid the security cameras.

Then, I will grand jete onto the overhang of that ledge,

allowing me to arabesque my way through the window

and open the door to you civilians.

I'm going to lob a brick through this window here.

And if we get caught by the police, do you know who to call?

You want a lawyer? I want a stylist.

I have to look cute in my mugshot.

But, sir, are you really sure it's worth the risk?

Yes! If anyone gets to that time capsule before me,

I will never be able to show my face in this school again. Hmm?

Now, come on!

CHATTERING SCHOOL BELL RINGS

So, you haven't managed to find the asbestos?

HO-DOLL: Slow down! Stop running!

Here I am. I am so sorry I missed your call, Mu... Ms Hoburn.

Pish! Now, look, these holes in the walls.

I would rather not have to explain them to the parents,

so could your "art degree" finally come in handy? Yes.

I could create a promenade piece.

A labyrinthine journey through one lonely girl's troubled...

Ssh! Remember the family motto, Chloreen.

Sepelire Dolor Penitus.

Push the pain... deep, deep down.

Deep, deep down and keep on pushing,

as I always say.

Now, chop chop!

Ergh!

No, you can run, you can run.

Keep running. HO-DOLL: Slow down!

Oh, morning, Mr Seaman. Stop running!

"The Woman In Black is a 1987 stage play,

"citation needed."

Ah! OK, which one of you Hailey Bieber-stanning beasts

stole my pashmina?

Yeah, anyone else bare cold? Mm!

Things have been going missing everywhere, man.

Even the toilet roll in the boy's bathroom.

Actually, that's just Mr Harper.

The staff toilets simply cannot accommodate his...

..um, needs.

SHE CLEARS THROAT

How do you know that?

Well, I'm a passionate advocate for open conversations about gut health.

Just not THAT open with him.

Well, I'm not going to stay here and freeze to death.

Warren, make sure they finish the movie.

I have arrangements to make for tonight.

You know I saw this most haunted vid on TikTok, yeah?

They were walking around this building, it was freezing cold,

and then BAM!

THEY SHRIEK

A ghost was standing right there.

I find the supernatural deeply problematic.

I mean, why are all the ghosts white?

See? It's just bad vibes!

THEY GASP

Huh?

Spirit. Spectre.

THEY GASP

Wraith. Revenant.

The Japanese call them "obake".

In Arabic, they're "shabah". BUBBLES GURGLE

But this unhappy soul, oh, it goes by another name.

The Ghost of Abbey Grove.

Oh, my God.

HE COUGHS

Sorry. Secondary bubbles.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Oi!

Ah! Come here. It's home time.

Shouldn't you be at the bookie's?

Here, have you seen what this new art teacher's been up to?

Ooh, yikes.

It's always the quiet ones, yeah.

Yo!

Queen Ladifah and Laddy McGuinness.

No. Fancy a brewski tonight?

I'm busy tonight. I've got some marking to do.

Yeah, I'm marking as well.

I was literally just going home.

FRASER GURGLES

Toodles. See ya.

I did invite the builders, but Google's letting me down.

Have you heard of a pub called Over My Dead Body?

Ah, on the topic of death,

you want to be careful of that new art teacher.

Look, she's off her nut.

Hmm.

HE SNIFFS

She's using roadkill in her art.

You know, I am not threatened by a powerful woman,

and I finally found one who isn't threatened by me.

But isn't the fact that she's into you, like, a huge red flag?

No shade. Yeah. Barely any taken.

Chloreen is a wonderful woman.

I've got a fifth sense about these things.

FIFTH sense? Well, I haven't tasted anything in years.

I'm on 40 a day. Cigarettes?!

Scotch bonnets.

I messed up my Ocado.

I have stuck to my zero-food-waste policy,

but the environmental benefits are seriously undermined

by the frankly terrifying amount of methane being omitted from my body.

Nice.

I basically fracked myself.

Gentlemen, don't you have homes to go to?

The janitor wants to lock up.

Ms Hoburn, what exactly is going on with this new art teacher?

What are you talking about?

The Luna Lovegood wannabe that we met earlier?

Yeah, she is horrendous.

Awful. She's like if Latitude Festival come to life.

I have no idea who this person is. SHE CHUCKLES

I mean, seriously, look at the walls.

It's called art!

And for the last time,

I don't appreciate being grilled about someone I've never even met.

I mean, I doubt this women even exists.

Good day.

All right.

THEY GROAN

See you in the morning.

Well, night-night.

Them ghostbuster guys on TikTok were right.

Ghosts reek.

Again, that could just be Mr Harper.

All I'm saying is, if we can prove that she's an actual ghost,

there's no way it's not going to go viral.

Too bad you're never going to find an actual ghost.

Ooh! Ahh!

WOMAN HARMONISES

HE PANTS

Want to bet? Come.

SHE HARMONISES

WHISPERS: Night-night.

Bye-bye, Teddy.

♪ Mm, Mr Teddy, Mr Crow... ♪

HE GASPS

It's her! The art teacher.

She's the... The floating woman.

A lost soul trapped in a state of limbo

between this life and the next.

What do this floating woman want?

The approval of a cold and venal mother

incapable of understanding her own daughter.

I think someone's feeling seen.

Let's follow it!

MUSIC: Cannonball by Tune-Yards

MUSIC STOPS

MUSIC RESUMES

Ha-ha-haaa!

MUSIC STOPS

MUSIC RESUMES

Love...

..Mummy.

If you took those wheelies from a pupil's locker, Chloreen,

I suggest you put them back immediately.

But you always taught me to prey on the weak.

Especially children. Look, just shut the door, stand in the corner

and face the wall.

Ssh! Ssh! Ssh! Ssh!

Ssh! Guys, ssh!

Warren!

She's just standing in the corner of the room.

ALL SHRIEK

What's going on out here?

Miss, that woman in your office, she's not who she says she is.

What woman? I don't know who you're talking about.

See? There's no-one here.

No-one!

UNDER BREATH: What?!

ALL SHUDDER

She's been possessed.

Run, you fools!

Mother, may I ask why you pushed my head under the desk?

Always push it down, Chloreen.

Deep, deep down.

OWL HOOTS DOG BARKS

USMA: I don't care if Sir needs our help.

The demon artsy chat is so powerful, it made Hoburn smile.

Oh, that's why I'm wearing protection.

Why is it so bling?

It's a Sunday School status symbol.

Ooh, such a bad boy.

Well, I certainly brought in the biscuits, if you know what I mean.

You mean you literally brought in biscuits, don't you?

Where's Mr Carmichael?

Rargh!

THEY SCREAM

Keep your voices down!

This is a serious mission to get to the time capsule.

So serious you wore a leather catsuit?!

It's the perfect ensemble for a heist.

Sleek, sultry, streamline.

And the tail? It's for balance.

Now, if you're quite finished, we need to find that time capsule.

Let the break-in commence.

GLASS SHATTERS

HO-DOLL: I hope you're going to clean that up.

This school is too creepy at night.

Nah, man, it's not creepy enough.

HE WHIMPERS

SQUEAKING

Sir! It's the suit. Hmm?

Why have you got a ring light?

You see a haunting. I see content.

What are you talking about, a haunting?

THEY SCREAM

Something just touched my leg without consent.

Oh, my God!

Oh, no, it's just Mr Carmichael's tail.

Ah, for the last time, it's an integral part of the outfit.

And why are you lot acting like Sketchy Sues? Hmm?

Because of the Ghost of Abbey Grove.

What ghost?

Mmmmm...

Mmmmm... Yo, I beg you, stop making that noise.

Well, I can't help it. I had ten garlic breads.

Ghosts hate garlic. That's vampires.

HIGH-PITCHED CHATTER

Oi, can you lot hear something?

Right, what are you lot going on about?

ALL: The Ghost of Abbey Grove.

CARMICHAEL: Ah, it all makes sense.

Ms Hoburn was acting like she'd never even met

the art teacher before, like she'd never heard of her.

Like she didn't even exist. Huh?

GROANING

USMA GASPS

Oh, what was that noise?

Screw content! We need to get ouuuut!

Come on! Agh!

Quick. I knew that art teacher was a wrong 'un.

She kept talking about how her flesh and blood walked these corridors.

Come on, let's get out of here.

I don't like this. I do not like this.

HO-DOLL: Slow down! Stop running!

I'm touching cloth here. It's getting louder.

PANICKED CHATTER

ALL SCREAM

Oh, thank God, it's you guys!

What are you doing in here at night? Could ask you the same thing!

And why have you got that little mob with ya?

Could ask you the same thing! Why are you dressed like a cat?

It's fashion.

HO-DOLL: Slow down! Stop running!

Oh, my God, there's someone else in the school.

Who is that? Who... or what?

We need to find somewhere safe right now.

Get in there. Get in there.

HUSHED CHATTER

Harrison, get in there.

ALL SCREAM

Fraser!

What are you doing here?

I got kicked out by the live-in landlord.

She said I made her feel uncomfortable.

Don't you live with your mum? Well, not any more.

So you stole the toilet roll?

Lovely. I'll have a few of those, eh, Jinx?

Is that my pashmina?!

HE WRETCHES

Ugh! Ugh!

This smell is rancid in here. That'll be the face mask. Home-made.

Since Hoburn banned avocados for being too "millennial",

I've had to find an alternative source

for vitamins B2, 3, 6, 12 and D.

Any chance you didn't make it from...?

Correct. My famous mackerel lasagne.

What about the freezing temperatures?

The boiler broke. I've had to crank the heat up at night...

It makes sense. ..to ward off the mega rats.

HE HISSES

Mega rats?!

They're jonesing for my mackerel.

Yeah, well, Mr Harper wants to get to the time capsule

before it's opened. Ugh! Harrison!

Come on, man. What?

Sor...? The time caps-u-elle?

STEPHEN LAUGHS Well, I am shocked and appalled.

Wh... What, you were sneaking in here like a monster rat

to get to the time capsule?!

Well, Hoburn keeps it in her office.

BOTH: How do you know that?

Hmm! Hmm!

I've got peepholes everywhere.

Forget I said that.

THEY LAUGH

Peephole!

THEY LAUGH

I'm just going to... No, Stephen!

Get out of my way, bitch.

STEPHEN SCREAMS

Move!

Stephen!

THEY STRAIN

Ahh!

Right, no...

Get off me now! No-one can see what...

THUD

Ooh! Aah! Ow.

Are you OK? Careful!

That contains Alf Bestos.

HE SCREAMS

Fraser, why didn't you say something, you bellend?!

Not asbestos. ALF Bestos.

I tried explaining this to Hoburn over the sound of the drilling.

Alf Bestos was my rap collab.

With Slick Wicks?

♪ Alf Bestos, besties, partners in crime

♪ We often drink together and we text all the time... ♪

We did text a lot, actually.

♪ I hope I get sick so he can donate a kidney

♪ His banter's so fly, I want a bit of him in me

♪ Alf Bestos, we're brothers He ain't no mystery

♪ I even know his password and read his search history

♪ Monday, 10:30 in the morn

♪ I caught him in the staffroom looking at... ♪

OK, right, I've changed my mind.

I was going to say "porn."

I will not be blackmailed.

I'll just admit that I lost the kids' GCSEs in a casino.

That was tragic.

What else is in there?

Inchez! No. Give... Give that back!

Do not open that capsule!

This is for Mr Harper.

Ah-ha! Ah-ha!

Oh... Ah!

OK, Carmichael, time to see what you REALLY thought of me.

HE CLEARS THROAT

"Mitchell, I lo...

"loathe you.

"I loathe the way you can only write in crayon.

"I loathe how your scalp glistens in the sun."

Huh?

"I've always loathed you,

"and I really think I might loathe you forever."

Ha-ha!

Psych!

Eugh!

Thank you.

And, just so you know, that little phase lasted less time

than Kim K's first marriage.

I don't blame you, mate. I was

a right sort when I was 13. Ugh...

LEATHER SLAPS

Ugh! Why is there a little love heart on the envelope?

Ooh, shall we see what else is in the time capsule?

Ooh, there's one for Mr Carmichael.

"To Stephen, from Mitchell."

Oh! Cute!

HE CHUCKLES

And it's a jar.

He gave you nothingness? Brutal.

Shushamumbo...

Oh, it's one of them airtight ones.

Airtight?

Oh, shit! Don't open that jar.

What?!

I farted in it. Agh!

GLASS SHATTERS INAUDIBLE

SLOW-MO: I can taste it!

SLOW-MO: Argh!

That was a 12-year malt.

Ugh, disgusting!

MUSIC PLAYS

Wait, can you hear that?

I think it's coming from the gym.

HE HISSES

MUSIC: Cheek To Cheek by Fred Astaire

This music is dead.

THEY'RE dead.

THEY SCREAM

Me and Inchez are trapped.

There's... There's not much air left.

We might... We might not make it out alive.

I'm not crying. My eyes are just streaming from the stench.

But my mascara is still flawless.

♪UnpaidAd

DEATHLY GROANS

Agh! What was that?

Yo, I've got the door open. Let's go, man.

HE SIGHS

WHISPERS: Hey, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. Yo.

It's Warren's.

You think it's a bad omen? No.

It's a good omen, man.

It's a sign from the big guy.

Inchez, we're going to die!

Nah, we ain't.

We're taking this pussio down!

The power of Stormzy compels you.

You're blinded by the light, bruv.

You're getting too big for your boots, I say, I say, I say...

SUPPRESSED SQUEALS

Shut up! Shut up!

SUPPRESSED SQUEALS

Shut up, rude boy.

Ah-ha-hah! I did it!

I caught the ghost!

Mate, that was incredible. Guys, we just caught a ghost!

Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha...

Wait.

It's a mask.

HE SCREAMS

Will someone please untie me from this blasted chair?

She's possessed. A spirit has entered her body.

That's why she's more creepier than usual.

I beg your pardon?!

If anything had entered me,

I'm pretty sure I'd feel it.

MITCHELL SNICKERS

So tell us why you're running around wearing this shit.

It's PPE.

I'm looking for asbestos before the parents kick up a fuss.

What about the flickering lights?

Oh, the builders drilled through the wiring.

But what about the ghosts in the gym?

I hire out the gym for evening classes.

Can I help it if it's poorly attended?

She definitely sounds like Hoburn.

Are you in there, demon?!

THEY SCREAM

THEY WHIMPER

The power of Christ repels you!

It's Claudia Winkleman.

Hello, Mother. ALL: Mother?

What?! Mother? Who's Mother?

Oh, fine.

Let me introduce Chloreen, my ex-husband's daughter,

though I maintain I'm still only one of five possible mothers.

That's why you pretended you didn't know who she was.

You're a nepo baby.

THEY GASP

Yeah, but what the bloody hell are you doing here in the middle of the night?

I have my reasons.

Not you having the hots for Fraser.

I love your cloak. I love your pyjamas. Thanks.

Broadmoor. I know. I have a pair.

Ugh...

HOBURN SIGHS

Oh, no, Chloreen. Not again!

What?! I've spent my life craving your approval,

but I'm stuck in the same old toxic patterns.

The art, the improv, the deeply flawed choice of sexual partners.

They're all cries for help.

But I finally get it.

You're simply not capable of giving me what I need.

So I don't need your approval.

I need to establish some clear bound...

And she's gone.

THEY GASP

I mean, maybe a tiny bit of approval would be nice.

Sorry.

So, did we kill the demon? What are you talking about?

Like, is it still here?

Oh, Usma, you've gone viral. No way! You mean, YOU'VE gone viral.

What can I say? Man's infectious.

Yeah, I wouldn't shout about that if I was you, Inchez.

We should make a time capsule. SHE GASPS

Yes! I can put my new manifesto in it.

"No-one is too white to make a difference."

Fraser, what are you going to put in the next time capsule?

You know what?

I like to think of myself as a bit of a time capsule.

SHE CHUCKLES

HE CACKLES

What do you reckon he meant by that? Don't know.

Probably Fraser just being Fraser.

MUSIC ECHOES

FRASER: Say cheese.

♪ And I seem to find the happiness I seek

♪ When we're out together

♪ Dancing cheek to cheek

♪ Heaven

♪ I'm in heaven

♪ And the cares that hung around me through the week

♪ Seem to vanish like a gambler's lucky streak... ♪