Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language.

Sir, I'm really nervous. I put everything into my invention.

Relax your lace fronts.

There's only one health condition that science REALLY needs to fix.

Cancer.

Uh, no. Cancer gets enough airtime.

She's a booked and busy girlie.

I'm talking about the debilitating condition called the ick!

Yes, you're right. I'm the one being ridiculous.

Mm-hm. Honestly, I was on a date last night with a sugar zaddy

and, whoo! Murder, she said. The ick! I don't know why!

Ooh! Did he have a blocked nose, sir?

That gives me the ick!

It's like, "Fam, if a common cold can take you out,

"then you definitely can't take ME out!"

Sniffling like a dickhead!

Oh! Miss.

Ms Hassan. I hope you're as excited

about trialling your health invention on my guinea pig.

Uh, Miss. Animals have rights too. Oh, not this one, no.

He sold them to me to upgrade his Sky Sports package.

Huh? I'm talking about Mr Harper.

Have you seen him? Oh.

He may have slept in.

It was a big day for his community yesterday.

I thought St Patrick's Day was last month?

Danny Dyer's birthday.

It's like Easter Sunday

for the cis-het, Caucasian, hooligan community.

Oh. But fear not, because I think we have found the invention

that will help win this health and fitness competition.

Mm.

Made by Class K's very own mastermind, Warren.

I give you... the expanding kitten heel! Ooh.

And how does that relate in any way to the fitness brief?

I look fit in 'em. Teacher by day, hoochie mama by noight!

Ahem.

- Ow! - THEY ALL GASP

Oh! Oh. Uh!

It's still a prototype.

Sir won't tell me his real weight.

I'd rather die.

Ugh!

Abbey Grove is spiralling into a health crisis.

Our pupils are baffling doctors

with illnesses usually associated with ageing long-haul truckers.

And someone thought it was funny to tweet Marcus Rashford about it.

Now the Health Minister wants you lot to get into shape - fast.

Talk about an own goal.

I really must try stand-up.

So I've brought in a fitness expert to help judge this competition

and get us all in shape.

Will you please welcome to the stage

a man who has millions of people taking his online classes...

It's Mr Mo Dix!

GASPING AND CHEERING

When I say Mo, you say Dix. Mo! ALL: Dix!

Mo! Dix! Mo! Dix! Dix!

Yeah! Well, man ain't saying that.

Come on, everyone loves Mo. He got my mum through lockdown.

Tell your mumsy to bell me, innit?

I'll give her Mo and Dix any time. Oh, shut up!

Now, some of you might be thinking,

"Huh, he looks more like an arms dealer."

Thanks to my weapons of mass destruction.

STEPHEN LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

MO WHISTLES

Boom!

STEPHEN GUFFAWS

Let's get this school moving!

Oh!

Oh!

Sir, do you need some water? Cos you're moving mad thirsty.

When a man this fine is in my vicinity, consider me dehydrated.

I'm going to get him to end this drought.

Will my fellow judges please join me on the stage?

Mr Carmichael.

But you can call me Stephen.

- WHISPERS: - Or your dirty little secret.

HOBURN CLEARS THROAT

I call them my Ally Ears.

They allow me to hear whenever my POC community need an ally.

I love it, but help me see the fitness angle.

Yes. Erm...

Duh. I run to the rescue.

Next!

WHEELS SQUEAK When you're young, you think,

"I'm going to live forever."

But trust me, one day, every single one of you

is going to be dead.

My solution - Cryo-Sleep.

Oh!

Sorry, it was full

of uneaten coronation quiche.

Simply enter the chamber for your nightly slumber...

Three hours later, when you wake up screaming...

..and... Ow!

It doesn't open from the inside! THUDDING

Next!

The Bye Gurl 3,000.

SQUEAKING

This mechanical arm can shoo away my haters

and bad vibe conversations,

so I stay blessed and not stressed.

Get me?

Being stressed is bad for your health.

Right, Stephen?

WHISPERS: Stephen.

Mm.

♪ My love must be a kind of blind love... ♪

You look amazing.

STEPHEN MOUTHS

♪ I can't see anyone but you... ♪

STEPHEN YELPS

Ah. Now I get you.

No notes.

I'm so impressed with all your health tech inventions.

And now I'm going to announce the winner!

It's going to be me. It's going to be me!

OK, and the winner is...

..every single one of you for taking part!

Yes! I won! I can't believe I won!

And as a prize, you'll get my personal fitness watch -

the Dix Bit.

Be warned, they're addictive.

You get a Dix.

YOU get a Dix.

You get a Dix! Yeah, yeah. Mo, Mo!

The Dix Bit will count your steps, calories, heart rate and sleep,

bringing all of that biometric goodness into a score.

And the scores will be displayed on these leaderboards

so we can see who is the healthiest student at Abbey Grove.

Erm, Mo, how can everyone be a winner

if there's a leaderboard?

Well, it's just a bit of healthy competition.

Obviously!

With the Dix Bit, I can make you think like winners.

Oi-oi!

WHOOPING

STEPHEN SQUEALS

♪ I wake up in the morning and I ask myself

♪ What am I doing on this planet?

♪ Goddamn! Goddamn! ♪

Yo. Why you giving these Year Seven trolls freebies?

They deserve nothing, fam.

Them sweets have so many e-numbers, my girl won't stop running!

She's wearing my Dix Bit.

She's going to shoot me right up the leaderboard,

and leave you losers biting dust.

Get moving, Usma! Do more, be more.

Bruv! I ain't about to sweat off these fancy eyebrows for nobody.

Usma! Remember, the eyebrows are not what maketh the woman.

But it is what maketh a bad bitch.

DIX BIT: Warning, sugar levels critical.

This thing monitors my blood.

That makes me feel uncomfortable.

Of course you're uncomfortable, mate.

You ate a whole packet of After Eights.

Well, what's wrong with a postprandial mint fondant?

My grandad always said, "They're a God-tier sweet."

How's your grandad doing?

Oh, uh, not good.

He's actually up in the God tier.

Maybe the Dix Bit is right.

Oh! Good of you to join us, Mr Harper.

What's your excuse for this latest shambles?

I heard it was Danny Dyer's birthday.

You snake. Yes, but when I got home from that,

I invented this hat, look. Took me ages.

You put a couple of bottles of Lucozade on each side,

and it's for professional athletes.

Professional alcoholics, more like.

Those are cans of lager?

Yes, I get my best ideas when I'm pissed.

But, Miss, I'm really sorry.

Uh, FYI, but getting pissed isn't very fitness-friendly, so...

Mm. Bet you're a right giggle on a night out, ain't you?

Put 10p in the talking dumb-bell.

Stephen, you like my hat, don't you?

Stephen, is he YOUR friend?

Erm...

I hate to say it, but, erm,

I don't know who this man is.

I'm sorry to this man.

Harper, you've got to get a grip.

If you did your job properly,

the school wouldn't be in this mess.

You better shape up or ship out.

It's your last chance.

Thanks a lot, Judas.

THUDDING

Help! It's cold!

Oh, bloody hell, must be pissed.

My algorithm scores all the kids on physical activity. Mm.

I mean, we do have a lot of young men here

with only one thing on their minds.

Oh, don't worry. Dix Bit is programmed

to ignore repetitive wrist movements in teenage boys.

Very, very wise. Yes, I mean, I don't want them thinking

they can masturbate their way to the top. Not in today's climate.

Sometimes...

..it just takes the... right person

to inspire us.

Yeah, that is so true.

No.

Ah, yes, mine was actually Carol Vorderman, Countdown queen.

She has the bosoms of a goddess

and one of those swollen bottoms that everyone lusts after.

What was your exercise of choice?

Oh, Kegels. Kaygels. Kegels?

Yes, I now have the pelvic floor of a disgraced Russian gymnast!

And from one iron grip to another,

I would like to enrol Abbey Grove in your fitness programme.

The online lessons, the diet plans, I mean, the whole package.

Not the... Not... not the package!

Miss Hoburn... Ah!

I've set plenty of records in my time.

I bet you have. But getting this school into shape

is the biggest challenge yet.

Well, you can sell

as much of the children's data as you like to...

Perhaps you don't want to know.

Yes, then it's a win-win for everyone except for Harper.

And if the first two months go well, I can...

Yeah, I can just replace him with a couple of televisions.

Well, I will leave you with a parting gift. Oh, oh!

And, no, it's not one of my triple-decker vanilla cacao bars.

IN BABY VOICE: Me no sharey those!

IN BABY VOICE: Oh! No!

Thank you, Dick. Bit!

Enjoy.

ALARM BEEPS

No pulse detected.

No pulse detected. Signals critical.

Oh, my God! I'm clinically dead!

Oh!

Telephone!

What do I do if I'm dying? TELEPHONE: Let's see.

When you are dying, why not create a bucket list

to do everything you always dreamed of doing?

And to think I nearly called an ambulance.

Erm, all right, Telephone,

write this down. Bucket list.

Number one,

try stand-up comedy.

Number two, set a world record.

Number three,

sleep with Bear Grylls...

..semicolon,

absolutely ruin him.

♪ Just the other day, I heard a ho say

♪ Matter of fact, what could a ho say?

♪ With a face like this and a bitch this paid

♪ Shit, what could a ho say? ♪

Whoa! Ho, ho, ho, nice catch there.

Thanks. You know me.

Always active.

Ahem.

But I think I've been overdoing it with the, erm...

..the sport that this ball belongs to.

Well, I'm offski.

AS ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER: Daddy's got to feed the twins.

See you later.

Whoo! What about the Dix Bit?

It's the start of a revolution.

Between me and you,

I can't be seen working closely with someone like Mr Harper.

It's, ah, it's very bad for the brand.

So you're telling me that Mitchell is the only thing stopping me

and you sticking together like Vel and cro?

Huh. I guess.

Call me if he quits.

Wait, don't go!

Erm...

Ow! Sir!

..because, have you seen the state of the canteen?

Honestly, it is terrible in there.

I'm sure I could give them some tips.

You know, hope we get to work together.

STEPHEN EXHALES

Oh, we will work together.

Time to say goodbye to Mr Harper.

Oh, here he comes!

♪ My favourite person! ♪

Not interested. I feel as rough as a badger's arse and,

thanks to you, I've now got Hoburn giving me grief.

You need to look after yourself!

Let me book you an Uber home. No.

I heard that juiced-up dickhead's still running round school

showing off his... What do you call 'em? Muscles.

Mo? Oh, pfft, don't worry about him.

He's making me look bad. I need to get rid of him.

What? You? Look bad? What? How? PHONE PINGS

Urgh! Mm! Ah, he's in Fraser's kitchen right now.

I am going to go in there, I'm going to get up in his moosh...

No, no, no... ..and I'm going to tell him to do one.

Oh! Ow! Oh! Ah! Oh, oh.

Fraser?

Keep him there.

Just got to have a shit.

Ugh.

He's like a human Babybel -

he just rolls!

All right, sir? DIX BIT: Let's go, baby.

Can't stop. Mo says I'm letting myself down.

Do more, be more. Train hard, live smart.

Sir! These Dix Bits are too much, man!

Warren's chopping up After Eights

like he's a character in Top Boy, fam!

Big man ting.

If I have a bump now, my blood sugar levels won't spike after lunch.

Hmm.

Sir, these things have turned Jinx into Gwyneth Goop Paltrow!

I'm on a juice-only diet.

And why are you crouched like that? It's the juice.

If I sit down, I fart. If I stand up, I fart.

This is the only position that I don't...

- P-FF-FRT! - Better out than in, Jemima.

Dutty gyal! How does that not give you the ick?

I don't know!

But you lot need to get it together

if I'm going to stand a chance with Mo. Hmm?

And Mitchell needs to crawl back into the bargain bucket

that he came from, Blessing.

You need Mr Harper out the way for how long? A week?

Oh, please. I just need a couple of hours alone with Mo.

I need a pen, a doughnut

and your credit card.

♪ Baby cakes You just don't know, know

♪ How I-I, I want you so, so

♪ And I just want you to know That I think our love will grow

♪ We'll take it step by step Because I'm not something you own

♪ Baby cakes You just don't know, know... ♪

HE RETCHES

What is that?

"Mr Harper.

"Bernadette Hoburn here.

"I was well harsh this morning.

"So to apologise, you and a friend are invited to join

"some key leb...

"ce-le..."

Celebrity. "..celebrity guests for a beer bike tour."

Sick! Nice one, sir.

Do you think I'm an idiot?

This is from Hoburn.

It's obviously some sort of test.

Or she's trying to show you how much she appreciates you.

Oi, Fraser.

Yes? Mr Harper's got a plus-one on a trip of a lifetime.

But no can do.

Mo has given me a pep talk and I'm now putting the lad

into salad.

But it's a celebrity beer bike.

Celebs?! Oh, shit.

No, no, no! No, Fraser.

These kids aren't bloody rabbits.

Look, Jesus! Right, come on, right. Just wait a minute! Please, no!

I've got a headache!

Fraser, I'm telling you! This is a trap!

I'm already on my last chance with Hoburn as it is.

Beer bike for Mitchell Harper?

Is that...?

It is.

It's Golden Balls.

Jasper Carrott?

David Beckham!

At your service, gaffer.

Climb aboard the Becks mobile.

This is a dream come true! I can't believe it!

Hoburn knows me better than I know myself.

Oh, Becks, you having a laugh?

You brought the missus along?

Cor, you under the thumb much or what?

Who's that courtly old gentleman?

I am Colonel Sanders, KFC empire?

I ain't being funny, mate, but ain't he white?

You think a white man created a chicken seasoning recipe

with 11 secret herbs and spices?

Great point. Lager?

This is the best day of my life.

What about the birth of your son?

This is the best day of my life.

All aboard. We got to pick up a few more VIPs.

Got to ask -

leg or breast?

I am vegetarian.

Naughty little Colonel.

Never have I ever shagged a Spice Girl.

Drink.

♪ Well, if it's unhealthy then I don't give a damn

♪ Cause even if it kills me... ♪

Yo, yo!

Stephen told me that Mr Harper has gone AWOL.

But, luckily, Captain Jack Sparrow here

is pumped to cover for him.

All right, let's start with a selfie.

Oh. Oh, hi, Stephen.

Oh...

Stephen? I CAN see you.

STEPHEN SQUEALS

Nice. Unlucky. Let's go!

You need stronger wrists, and there's an easy way to get 'em.

STEPHEN CHUCKLES

CHEERING

Wow! Go get another ball, get another ball.

Let's go. Never too much running.

HOBURN, OVER PA SYSTEM: Hello.

Did you hear the one about the cross-eyed teacher?

He can't control his pupils.

But he is a valued member of the team,

so bravo, bravo to Mr Bingham.

I'd like to invite the school to the assembly hall in ten

for my tight... ten.

Basil? Paprika? Fenugreek?

Please stop. It's been three hours.

Asafoetida?

If you don't stop, I will throw myself off this bike headfirst.

Dill?

Horseradish. Stay out of it, Wallace!

It's got nothing to do with you.

What is SHE doing here?

Right, the European Championships 2004.

Explain that penalty kick. Nah.

I fucked it, mate.

Well, that's an understatement.

Wait a minute, I've seen that woman glaring at us before.

We're going round in circles. We're in a cul-de-sac.

Oh, dear.

Becks has cocked up the directions.

If it IS horseradish, blink twice.

Told you. Wallace, make like you're inside one of your factories

and can it!

CHEERING

You can identify as anything these days.

Ooh, hang on, a few... a few nerves in the room!

Erm, I identify as...

..a workaholic.

Ha! Do you get it? Because, I mean, who doesn't love work?

Am I right?

You know, the other day, my out-of-office said

that I was on holiday until 2124.

And I know what you're thinking.

"A 100-year holiday? That would be horrific!"

Your jokes are dead!

Well, to whoever shouted that out, erm, comedy is subjective.

DIX BIT: Yeah, you're dying, Bernadette.

Yeah, you're dying, mate! Oh, my God.

Right, all right, forget this. THEY LAUGH

I've been Miss Hoburn.

I'll see you all in detention.

Hope that's funny enough for you.

Goodnight.

What? But...

Boo!

Bucket list. Stand-up.

World record...

Number six,

wreak my hideous revenge.

Stick to the day job! Stick to the day job!

Get off!

Where's Mr Harper?

As far as I'm concerned, Harper is responsible for all of this!

Boo! Get off the stage, you tosser!

Ah, piss off!

Colonel, you know, the Beckhams have got one of our own in the family.

Wee Brooklyn.

Saw him making toast on Instagram this morning.

The kid's a natural.

Right, we're going round in circles, Becks.

What is going on? Don't lie to me.

I am your gaffer. I'll go full Sir Alex!

Oh, not the hair - hic! - hairdryer treatment.

Our client is Stephanie Fierce.

AKA Stephen Carmichael.

He said to keep you away from the school for as long as possible.

So Hoburn DIDN'T book this trip? Stephen did?

Oh, my God, Bernie's going to be pissed. No-one's teaching PE.

Well, they've got Mo Dix - he could cover for you.

Well, I'm not going to get fired

just so Stephen can have a roll around with that prat.

I am turning this bike around.

DRAMATIC CLASSICAL MUSIC

TYRES SQUEAL

Oh...

SPLASH!

Splash down! Well done.

That was a really healthy, big, glossy one.

Uh! Uh! What?

Like an otter down a river bank. Keep eating your fibre, bud.

Half-price Hercules is spying on us in the toilets!

He's got to go - now!

Mm. That's not going to be on my mood board

because he's not giving me the ick yet,

and I don't think he ever will.

Harper?

Harper!

- Carmichael. - STEPHEN GROANS

Mm? Did you or did you not hear me

give Mr Harper his final warning loud and clear?

Erm...

Yeah, I did.

And now he bunks off!

I've wasted the best years of my life on idiots like him.

Well, I'm going to make him pay for it.

Yo.

I thought getting Sir on a beer bike was a victimless crime.

You didn't tell us he was in trouble.

Oh, poor Mr Harper. He gets such a bad rep.

He taught us lifting.

Shoplifting.

But we don't want him to lose his job. You're so selfish.

Because of you, we're stuck with Mo Dix forever.

I'm sorry.

OK, maybe I've been a little one-track-minded of recent.

But let's find Mr Harper.

I have him on Find My Mobile.

Don't ask why.

There we go. Found him.

Where?

Doesn't seem to be moving, though.

He's probably just sat at the bar.

But he's nowhere near a pub.

Oh, no.

Right. Inchez, Warren, go find Mr Harper.

You guys, we need to distract Miss Hoburn till they get back.

How are we going to do that?

I found her bucket list.

But we're going to need our inventions.

I hear you.

Oh, I LOVE this! ♪ Teamwork makes the dream work! ♪

I'll stay here and look out for Mo.

But how is that going to help?

Don't question me.

Go!

♪ Don't you know I'm walkin' away?

♪ Now, I'm in my own space... ♪ Agh! Ah!

♪ Babe, you know I ain't waitin' for you

♪ And if you don't want me to stay... ♪

David!

David!

Don't you run away!

You ain't better than me! How could he do this to me?

I had his name on the back of ALL of my hooky England shirts.

My arm's trapped under the bike.

All right, Fraser, Fraser, try not to move it,

you'll only damage it further.

Or you can cut it off.

Oh, quite a good idea, actually, Colonel.

Like in the film 127 Hours.

It's not even been 127 seconds.

Or I can cut it off for you.

You're not even trapped! Just go and get help.

FLATLY: Help.

Help.

No-one is coming.

Don't just stand there, Colonel, please.

This is finger-licking good.

Boneless bants-quet.

Kill me now.

Harper!

Oh, you guys, I can hear her coming. Quick.

Harper!

Miss! I hope you don't mind,

but I accidentally read your bucket list.

Stand-up? Smashed it.

Hilarious.

Oh, well, I appreciate that.

But, you see, it's a bit of a bore.

In your lingo,

I'm a "dead ting".

No, you're not! Wax that top lip and I'm sure there's a man out there

who'd want to smash. No, I mean literally, dead!

Whoa. And now there's only one thing I can hope to be remembered for -

shipping off that foreign exchange student

on the first flight to Rwanda.

Well, if you actually are dying,

then maybe we can help to tick something off your list.

You've piqued my interest.

Let's set a world record.

I mean, all the cool ones are taken, but I'm sure we can do a dumb one.

No, I'm less piqued.

Well, I guess you don't want this certificate, then.

Eh? For eating your own body weight in coronation quiche.

Where did you get all this from?

Mr Fraser emptied the freezer for his science invention.

Right.

I'm going to need a bib, a bucket

and a busload of betablockers!

PILLS RATTLE

For king and quiche!

For king and quiche!

There he is! Oh, my God! Oh!

Yes! Yes!

Yes, you legends! Right! Help us out of here.

Let's go. Phew! Mr Carmichael ain't going to be happy, sir.

I think he was hoping to get his deposit back.

He was going to use it to pay for a blue tick.

I mean, people need to know he's better than them.

Yeah, well, I don't care. He stitched me right up.

Look, enough Chatty Patty, man.

How are we going to lift this ting? With the kitten heels.

Now, Mr Carmichael never told me his real weight,

so I set the upper limit to high.

You know, in case he has dense bones. Also, in today's society...

Warren, get on with it.

OK, sure.

Ahh! Oh!

In the words of Mr Carmichael, those kitties just purred.

Huh. Huh! Help me up, Colonel.

I will never wash this.

Colonel!

Colonel!

Colonel! Well done, Warren.

Go on, Miss! Go on, Miss!

Miss! Miss! Miss!

Miss, Miss Hoburn, Miss Hoburn. I am so, so sorry about today.

Look, but the thing is, I really love this job

and I will do better, I promise.

No time. No time! Piss off!

Sweet! Eat! Eat! Eat!

Go on, Miss, keep going! Eat! Eat! Eat!

And we shall!

The Colonel finally wrote down the secret ingredient for me

- on this piece of paper. - DOOR OPENS

WIND WHOOSHES

Huh? Oh.

Get the... No, no! My secret!

Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! What's going on in here?

Miss is sweating for you, sir.

Thought you would be proud to see that.

She's got the quiche sweats.

Are you trying to kill my brand?

- ALARM BEEPS - Oh...

Ah! Sorry, Miss.

You were three slices out.

No! Stretch Armstrong threw me off my game

with all his blather!

Blather? I'm trying to turn this school into a winner!

And how is that working out for you?

Look who's top of the leaderboard.

The man who thinks greens are a class-B drug.

It must be a malfunction.

Cheeky prick. I've been pedalling all day.

HE VOMITS

Uh! Uh! Sir!

I've also been drinking solidly for the past 24 hours.

Right, the deal is off, Dix.

Your app is more useless than Mr Harper,

and that is REALLY saying something.

Whatever.

I can fix the Dix Bit, but one thing I cannot fix is this giant,

floating fatberg of a school!

Boo! Bye!

Look, Miss, everyone's cheering for you.

This could be part of your legacy.

DIX BIT: No pulse detected. Signals critical.

I've seen things you people wouldn't believe.

I saw Philip Green soil himself at a retail luncheon.

All those moments lost.

You were wearing it too loose, Miss.

It couldn't feel your pulse.

OK! Nice!

Let's go, baby!

Oh!

This is the best day of my LIFE!

Yes! Yes! You the man!

Go Hoburn! Go Hoburn! Go Hoburn! Go Hoburn!

I'm sorry I threw you under the beer bike.

I was thinking with my heart and not my head.

Look, it's fine. I get it.

I forgive you. Thank you.

Worst part is I didn't even get his number.

Well, go, then. Go on, go after him.

Oh, my God.

Wait! Mo! Slow down.

Slow down.

Oh. Only bitches with no arse walk fast, and that ain't me.

You know, it's a shame it didn't work out, Stephen.

I did really like you.

Well, show me, then.

Ugh!

God.

I worked out what gives me the ick.

What? What?

It's boat shoes!

DRAMATIC CLASSICAL MUSIC

Don't touch me! Why?!