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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,999
This programme
contains some strong language.
2
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Sir, I'm really nervous.
I put everything into my invention.
3
00:00:06,600 --> 00:00:07,919
Relax your lace fronts.
4
00:00:07,920 --> 00:00:10,759
There's only one health condition
that science REALLY needs to fix.
5
00:00:10,760 --> 00:00:12,279
Cancer.
6
00:00:12,280 --> 00:00:14,519
Uh, no. Cancer gets enough airtime.
7
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She's a booked and busy girlie.
8
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I'm talking about the debilitating
condition called the ick!
9
00:00:19,440 --> 00:00:21,719
Yes, you're right.
I'm the one being ridiculous.
10
00:00:21,720 --> 00:00:24,239
Mm-hm. Honestly, I was on a date
last night with a sugar zaddy
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and, whoo! Murder, she said.
The ick! I don't know why!
12
00:00:27,280 --> 00:00:29,479
Ooh! Did he have a blocked nose,
sir?
13
00:00:29,480 --> 00:00:30,799
That gives me the ick!
14
00:00:30,800 --> 00:00:32,999
It's like, "Fam, if a common cold
can take you out,
15
00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:35,479
"then you definitely can't
take ME out!"
16
00:00:35,480 --> 00:00:36,999
Sniffling like a dickhead!
17
00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:38,519
Oh! Miss.
18
00:00:38,520 --> 00:00:40,239
Ms Hassan. I hope you're as excited
19
00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:42,959
about trialling your health
invention on my guinea pig.
20
00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:45,839
Uh, Miss. Animals have rights too.
Oh, not this one, no.
21
00:00:45,840 --> 00:00:48,559
He sold them to me to upgrade
his Sky Sports package.
22
00:00:48,560 --> 00:00:50,759
Huh? I'm talking about Mr Harper.
23
00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:52,559
Have you seen him? Oh.
24
00:00:52,560 --> 00:00:53,999
He may have slept in.
25
00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:56,559
It was a big day
for his community yesterday.
26
00:00:56,560 --> 00:00:58,479
I thought St Patrick's Day
was last month?
27
00:00:58,480 --> 00:00:59,799
Danny Dyer's birthday.
28
00:00:59,800 --> 00:01:00,879
It's like Easter Sunday
29
00:01:00,880 --> 00:01:03,159
for the cis-het, Caucasian,
hooligan community.
30
00:01:03,160 --> 00:01:06,119
Oh. But fear not, because I think
we have found the invention
31
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that will help win this health and
fitness competition.
32
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Mm.
33
00:01:09,680 --> 00:01:13,239
Made by Class K's very own
mastermind, Warren.
34
00:01:13,240 --> 00:01:17,719
I give you... the expanding
kitten heel! Ooh.
35
00:01:17,720 --> 00:01:19,999
And how does that relate in any way
to the fitness brief?
36
00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:22,959
I look fit in 'em. Teacher by day,
hoochie mama by noight!
37
00:01:22,960 --> 00:01:24,720
Ahem.
38
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- Ow!
- THEY ALL GASP
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Oh! Oh. Uh!
40
00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:32,679
It's still a prototype.
41
00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:34,559
Sir won't tell me his real weight.
42
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I'd rather die.
43
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Ugh!
44
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Abbey Grove is spiralling
into a health crisis.
45
00:02:12,560 --> 00:02:14,399
Our pupils are baffling doctors
46
00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:18,759
with illnesses usually associated
with ageing long-haul truckers.
47
00:02:18,760 --> 00:02:23,078
And someone thought it was funny
to tweet Marcus Rashford about it.
48
00:02:23,079 --> 00:02:26,839
Now the Health Minister wants
you lot to get into shape - fast.
49
00:02:26,840 --> 00:02:28,799
Talk about an own goal.
50
00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:30,480
I really must try stand-up.
51
00:02:31,760 --> 00:02:34,839
So I've brought in a fitness expert
to help judge this competition
52
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and get us all in shape.
53
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Will you please welcome
to the stage
54
00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:42,919
a man who has millions of people
taking his online classes...
55
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It's Mr Mo Dix!
56
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GASPING AND CHEERING
57
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When I say Mo, you say Dix. Mo!
ALL: Dix!
58
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Mo! Dix! Mo! Dix! Dix!
59
00:02:56,079 --> 00:02:58,199
Yeah! Well, man ain't saying that.
60
00:02:58,200 --> 00:03:00,999
Come on, everyone loves Mo.
He got my mum through lockdown.
61
00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:03,079
Tell your mumsy to bell me, innit?
62
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I'll give her Mo and Dix any time.
Oh, shut up!
63
00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:06,479
Now, some of you might be thinking,
64
00:03:06,480 --> 00:03:08,879
"Huh, he looks
more like an arms dealer."
65
00:03:08,880 --> 00:03:11,479
Thanks to my weapons
of mass destruction.
66
00:03:11,480 --> 00:03:13,239
STEPHEN LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
67
00:03:13,240 --> 00:03:15,319
MO WHISTLES
68
00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:16,679
Boom!
69
00:03:16,680 --> 00:03:18,599
STEPHEN GUFFAWS
70
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Let's get this school moving!
71
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Oh!
72
00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:26,359
Oh!
73
00:03:26,360 --> 00:03:30,959
Sir, do you need some water?
Cos you're moving mad thirsty.
74
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:34,919
When a man this fine is in my
vicinity, consider me dehydrated.
75
00:03:34,920 --> 00:03:37,239
I'm going to get him to
end this drought.
76
00:03:37,240 --> 00:03:40,760
Will my fellow judges please join me
on the stage?
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Mr Carmichael.
78
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But you can call me Stephen.
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00:03:52,840 --> 00:03:54,920
- WHISPERS:
- Or your dirty little secret.
80
00:03:54,923 --> 00:03:56,720
HOBURN CLEARS THROAT
81
00:03:58,560 --> 00:04:00,719
I call them my Ally Ears.
82
00:04:00,720 --> 00:04:04,559
They allow me to hear whenever
my POC community need an ally.
83
00:04:04,560 --> 00:04:07,879
I love it, but help me see
the fitness angle.
84
00:04:07,880 --> 00:04:08,959
Yes. Erm...
85
00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:11,200
Duh. I run to the rescue.
86
00:04:13,600 --> 00:04:14,720
Next!
87
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WHEELS SQUEAK
When you're young, you think,
88
00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:19,999
"I'm going to live forever."
89
00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:24,279
But trust me, one day, every single
one of you
90
00:04:24,280 --> 00:04:26,039
is going to be dead.
91
00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:29,839
My solution - Cryo-Sleep.
92
00:04:29,840 --> 00:04:31,639
Oh!
93
00:04:31,640 --> 00:04:33,479
Sorry, it was full
94
00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:35,519
of uneaten coronation quiche.
95
00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:40,200
Simply enter the chamber
for your nightly slumber...
96
00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:43,920
Three hours later,
when you wake up screaming...
97
00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:46,559
..and... Ow!
98
00:04:46,560 --> 00:04:49,479
It doesn't open from the inside!
THUDDING
99
00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:50,639
Next!
100
00:04:50,640 --> 00:04:52,199
The Bye Gurl 3,000.
101
00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:53,679
SQUEAKING
102
00:04:53,680 --> 00:04:56,399
This mechanical arm can shoo away
my haters
103
00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:57,799
and bad vibe conversations,
104
00:04:57,800 --> 00:04:59,919
so I stay blessed and not stressed.
105
00:04:59,920 --> 00:05:01,319
Get me?
106
00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:03,119
Being stressed is bad
for your health.
107
00:05:03,120 --> 00:05:04,480
Right, Stephen?
108
00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:07,399
WHISPERS: Stephen.
109
00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:08,880
Mm.
110
00:05:09,800 --> 00:05:11,639
♪ My love must be
a kind of blind love... ♪
111
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You look amazing.
112
00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:17,120
STEPHEN MOUTHS
113
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♪ I can't see anyone but you... ♪
114
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STEPHEN YELPS
115
00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:28,239
Ah. Now I get you.
116
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No notes.
117
00:05:29,840 --> 00:05:33,599
I'm so impressed with
all your health tech inventions.
118
00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:36,359
And now I'm going to announce
the winner!
119
00:05:36,360 --> 00:05:38,119
It's going to be me.
It's going to be me!
120
00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:39,519
OK, and the winner is...
121
00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:42,079
..every single one of you
for taking part!
122
00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:44,959
Yes! I won! I can't believe I won!
123
00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:47,559
And as a prize, you'll get
my personal fitness watch -
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the Dix Bit.
125
00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:52,039
Be warned, they're addictive.
126
00:05:52,040 --> 00:05:53,479
You get a Dix.
127
00:05:53,480 --> 00:05:55,279
YOU get a Dix.
128
00:05:55,280 --> 00:05:57,559
You get a Dix! Yeah, yeah.
Mo, Mo!
129
00:05:57,560 --> 00:06:01,199
The Dix Bit will count your steps,
calories, heart rate and sleep,
130
00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:05,039
bringing all of that
biometric goodness into a score.
131
00:06:05,040 --> 00:06:07,359
And the scores will be displayed
on these leaderboards
132
00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:10,679
so we can see who is the healthiest
student at Abbey Grove.
133
00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:13,719
Erm, Mo, how can everyone
be a winner
134
00:06:13,720 --> 00:06:15,519
if there's a leaderboard?
135
00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:17,719
Well, it's just a bit of healthy
competition.
136
00:06:17,720 --> 00:06:19,119
Obviously!
137
00:06:19,120 --> 00:06:22,920
With the Dix Bit, I can make you
think like winners.
138
00:06:24,840 --> 00:06:26,239
Oi-oi!
139
00:06:26,240 --> 00:06:27,879
WHOOPING
140
00:06:27,880 --> 00:06:29,840
STEPHEN SQUEALS
141
00:06:32,680 --> 00:06:34,599
♪ I wake up in the morning
and I ask myself
142
00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:36,879
♪ What am I doing on this planet?
143
00:06:36,880 --> 00:06:38,599
♪ Goddamn! Goddamn! ♪
144
00:06:38,600 --> 00:06:41,679
Yo. Why you giving these Year Seven
trolls freebies?
145
00:06:41,680 --> 00:06:43,239
They deserve nothing, fam.
146
00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:46,879
Them sweets have so many e-numbers,
my girl won't stop running!
147
00:06:46,880 --> 00:06:48,519
She's wearing my Dix Bit.
148
00:06:48,520 --> 00:06:50,919
She's going to shoot me
right up the leaderboard,
149
00:06:50,920 --> 00:06:52,400
and leave you losers biting dust.
150
00:06:54,640 --> 00:06:57,199
Get moving, Usma! Do more, be more.
151
00:06:57,200 --> 00:07:01,479
Bruv! I ain't about to sweat off
these fancy eyebrows for nobody.
152
00:07:01,480 --> 00:07:06,399
Usma! Remember, the eyebrows are not
what maketh the woman.
153
00:07:06,400 --> 00:07:08,600
But it is what maketh a bad bitch.
154
00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:11,519
DIX BIT: Warning, sugar levels
critical.
155
00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:13,239
This thing monitors my blood.
156
00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:14,919
That makes me feel uncomfortable.
157
00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:16,639
Of course you're uncomfortable,
mate.
158
00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:18,319
You ate a whole packet
of After Eights.
159
00:07:18,320 --> 00:07:20,919
Well, what's wrong with
a postprandial mint fondant?
160
00:07:20,920 --> 00:07:23,599
My grandad always said,
"They're a God-tier sweet."
161
00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:25,039
How's your grandad doing?
162
00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:26,959
Oh, uh, not good.
163
00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:28,879
He's actually up in the God tier.
164
00:07:28,880 --> 00:07:31,320
Maybe the Dix Bit is right.
165
00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:35,359
Oh! Good of you to join us,
Mr Harper.
166
00:07:35,360 --> 00:07:37,919
What's your excuse
for this latest shambles?
167
00:07:37,920 --> 00:07:39,799
I heard it was Danny Dyer's
birthday.
168
00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:42,959
You snake. Yes, but when I got home
from that,
169
00:07:42,960 --> 00:07:44,959
I invented this hat, look.
Took me ages.
170
00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:47,319
You put a couple of bottles of
Lucozade on each side,
171
00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:49,039
and it's for professional athletes.
172
00:07:49,040 --> 00:07:50,679
Professional alcoholics, more like.
173
00:07:50,680 --> 00:07:52,559
Those are cans of lager?
174
00:07:52,560 --> 00:07:55,720
Yes, I get my best ideas
when I'm pissed.
175
00:07:57,240 --> 00:07:58,679
But, Miss, I'm really sorry.
176
00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:01,719
Uh, FYI, but getting pissed isn't
very fitness-friendly, so...
177
00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:04,639
Mm. Bet you're a right giggle
on a night out, ain't you?
178
00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:06,119
Put 10p in the talking dumb-bell.
179
00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:08,119
Stephen, you like my hat,
don't you?
180
00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:10,279
Stephen, is he YOUR friend?
181
00:08:10,280 --> 00:08:11,959
Erm...
182
00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:13,639
I hate to say it, but, erm,
183
00:08:13,640 --> 00:08:15,519
I don't know who this man is.
184
00:08:15,520 --> 00:08:17,279
I'm sorry to this man.
185
00:08:17,280 --> 00:08:19,559
Harper, you've got to get a grip.
186
00:08:19,560 --> 00:08:20,999
If you did your job properly,
187
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:22,839
the school wouldn't be
in this mess.
188
00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:24,479
You better shape up or ship out.
189
00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:26,360
It's your last chance.
190
00:08:28,920 --> 00:08:30,760
Thanks a lot, Judas.
191
00:08:31,760 --> 00:08:33,420
THUDDING
192
00:08:33,421 --> 00:08:35,079
Help! It's cold!
193
00:08:35,080 --> 00:08:36,918
Oh, bloody hell, must be pissed.
194
00:08:36,919 --> 00:08:40,158
My algorithm scores all the kids
on physical activity. Mm.
195
00:08:40,159 --> 00:08:42,879
I mean, we do have a lot
of young men here
196
00:08:42,880 --> 00:08:44,719
with only one thing on their minds.
197
00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:47,159
Oh, don't worry. Dix Bit is
programmed
198
00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:49,559
to ignore repetitive wrist movements
in teenage boys.
199
00:08:49,560 --> 00:08:51,879
Very, very wise. Yes, I mean,
I don't want them thinking
200
00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:54,639
they can masturbate their way
to the top. Not in today's climate.
201
00:08:54,640 --> 00:08:56,999
Sometimes...
202
00:08:57,000 --> 00:08:59,759
..it just takes the... right person
203
00:08:59,760 --> 00:09:01,359
to inspire us.
204
00:09:01,360 --> 00:09:02,839
Yeah, that is so true.
205
00:09:02,840 --> 00:09:04,159
No.
206
00:09:04,160 --> 00:09:07,599
Ah, yes, mine was actually
Carol Vorderman, Countdown queen.
207
00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:09,599
She has the bosoms of a goddess
208
00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:12,879
and one of those swollen bottoms
that everyone lusts after.
209
00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:14,959
What was your exercise of choice?
210
00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:18,119
Oh, Kegels. Kaygels. Kegels?
211
00:09:18,120 --> 00:09:21,799
Yes, I now have the pelvic floor
of a disgraced Russian gymnast!
212
00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:25,719
And from one iron grip to another,
213
00:09:25,720 --> 00:09:29,160
I would like to enrol Abbey Grove
in your fitness programme.
214
00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:33,919
The online lessons, the diet plans,
I mean, the whole package.
215
00:09:33,920 --> 00:09:36,119
Not the... Not... not the package!
216
00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:37,639
Miss Hoburn... Ah!
217
00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:39,799
I've set plenty of records
in my time.
218
00:09:39,800 --> 00:09:42,159
I bet you have.
But getting this school into shape
219
00:09:42,160 --> 00:09:43,639
is the biggest challenge yet.
220
00:09:43,640 --> 00:09:45,239
Well, you can sell
221
00:09:45,240 --> 00:09:47,999
as much of the children's data
as you like to...
222
00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:49,919
Perhaps you don't want to know.
223
00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:55,079
Yes, then it's a win-win
for everyone except for Harper.
224
00:09:55,080 --> 00:09:57,919
And if the first two months
go well, I can...
225
00:09:57,920 --> 00:10:00,319
Yeah, I can just replace him
with a couple of televisions.
226
00:10:00,320 --> 00:10:03,519
Well, I will leave you with
a parting gift. Oh, oh!
227
00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:06,999
And, no, it's not one of my
triple-decker vanilla cacao bars.
228
00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:08,919
IN BABY VOICE: Me no sharey those!
229
00:10:08,920 --> 00:10:10,520
IN BABY VOICE: Oh! No!
230
00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:14,479
Thank you, Dick. Bit!
231
00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:15,840
Enjoy.
232
00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:18,920
ALARM BEEPS
233
00:10:18,921 --> 00:10:20,039
No pulse detected.
234
00:10:20,040 --> 00:10:21,679
No pulse detected. Signals critical.
235
00:10:21,680 --> 00:10:24,240
Oh, my God! I'm clinically dead!
236
00:10:25,240 --> 00:10:26,319
Oh!
237
00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:27,919
Telephone!
238
00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:30,679
What do I do if I'm dying?
TELEPHONE: Let's see.
239
00:10:30,680 --> 00:10:32,879
When you are dying, why not create
a bucket list
240
00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:35,199
to do everything
you always dreamed of doing?
241
00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:37,439
And to think I nearly called
an ambulance.
242
00:10:37,440 --> 00:10:39,559
Erm, all right, Telephone,
243
00:10:39,560 --> 00:10:42,599
write this down. Bucket list.
244
00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:44,039
Number one,
245
00:10:44,040 --> 00:10:45,719
try stand-up comedy.
246
00:10:45,720 --> 00:10:49,119
Number two, set a world record.
247
00:10:49,120 --> 00:10:50,919
Number three,
248
00:10:50,920 --> 00:10:52,680
sleep with Bear Grylls...
249
00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:55,679
..semicolon,
250
00:10:55,680 --> 00:10:57,879
absolutely ruin him.
251
00:10:57,880 --> 00:10:59,719
♪ Just the other day,
I heard a ho say
252
00:10:59,720 --> 00:11:01,639
♪ Matter of fact,
what could a ho say?
253
00:11:01,640 --> 00:11:03,879
♪ With a face like this
and a bitch this paid
254
00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:05,599
♪ Shit, what could a ho say? ♪
255
00:11:05,600 --> 00:11:08,159
Whoa! Ho, ho, ho, nice catch there.
256
00:11:08,160 --> 00:11:09,799
Thanks. You know me.
257
00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:11,399
Always active.
258
00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:12,559
Ahem.
259
00:11:12,560 --> 00:11:15,359
But I think I've been overdoing
it with the, erm...
260
00:11:15,360 --> 00:11:17,599
..the sport that
this ball belongs to.
261
00:11:17,600 --> 00:11:20,359
Well, I'm offski.
262
00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:23,320
AS ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER:
Daddy's got to feed the twins.
263
00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:26,279
See you later.
264
00:11:26,280 --> 00:11:28,119
Whoo! What about the Dix Bit?
265
00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:29,999
It's the start of a revolution.
266
00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:31,439
Between me and you,
267
00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:34,079
I can't be seen working closely
with someone like Mr Harper.
268
00:11:34,080 --> 00:11:36,599
It's, ah, it's very bad
for the brand.
269
00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:39,239
So you're telling me that Mitchell
is the only thing stopping me
270
00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:41,599
and you sticking together
like Vel and cro?
271
00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:43,479
Huh. I guess.
272
00:11:43,480 --> 00:11:45,479
Call me if he quits.
273
00:11:45,480 --> 00:11:47,000
Wait, don't go!
274
00:11:48,760 --> 00:11:50,039
Erm...
275
00:11:50,040 --> 00:11:51,079
Ow! Sir!
276
00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:53,999
..because, have you seen
the state of the canteen?
277
00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:55,679
Honestly, it is terrible in there.
278
00:11:55,680 --> 00:11:57,919
I'm sure I could give them
some tips.
279
00:11:57,920 --> 00:12:00,520
You know, hope we get
to work together.
280
00:12:03,480 --> 00:12:04,919
STEPHEN EXHALES
281
00:12:04,920 --> 00:12:06,799
Oh, we will work together.
282
00:12:06,800 --> 00:12:08,960
Time to say goodbye to Mr Harper.
283
00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:12,799
Oh, here he comes!
284
00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:15,079
♪ My favourite person! ♪
285
00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:18,159
Not interested. I feel as rough
as a badger's arse and,
286
00:12:18,160 --> 00:12:20,399
thanks to you, I've now got Hoburn
giving me grief.
287
00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:22,199
You need to look after yourself!
288
00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:24,079
Let me book you an Uber home. No.
289
00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:27,159
I heard that juiced-up dickhead's
still running round school
290
00:12:27,160 --> 00:12:30,039
showing off his...
What do you call 'em? Muscles.
291
00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:32,119
Mo? Oh, pfft, don't worry about him.
292
00:12:32,120 --> 00:12:34,199
He's making me look bad.
I need to get rid of him.
293
00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:37,519
What? You? Look bad? What? How?
PHONE PINGS
294
00:12:37,520 --> 00:12:39,919
Urgh! Mm! Ah, he's in Fraser's
kitchen right now.
295
00:12:39,920 --> 00:12:42,519
I am going to go in there,
I'm going to get up in his moosh...
296
00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:44,559
No, no, no... ..and I'm going
to tell him to do one.
297
00:12:44,560 --> 00:12:46,600
Oh! Ow! Oh! Ah! Oh, oh.
298
00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:49,799
Fraser?
299
00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:51,079
Keep him there.
300
00:12:51,080 --> 00:12:53,359
Just got to have a shit.
301
00:12:53,360 --> 00:12:54,399
Ugh.
302
00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:56,359
He's like a human Babybel -
303
00:12:56,360 --> 00:12:57,880
he just rolls!
304
00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:03,239
All right, sir?
DIX BIT: Let's go, baby.
305
00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:05,399
Can't stop.
Mo says I'm letting myself down.
306
00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:09,160
Do more, be more.
Train hard, live smart.
307
00:13:10,160 --> 00:13:12,599
Sir! These Dix Bits are
too much, man!
308
00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:14,239
Warren's chopping up After Eights
309
00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:15,999
like he's a character in
Top Boy, fam!
310
00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:17,439
Big man ting.
311
00:13:17,440 --> 00:13:20,519
If I have a bump now, my blood sugar
levels won't spike after lunch.
312
00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:21,719
Hmm.
313
00:13:21,720 --> 00:13:24,479
Sir, these things have turned Jinx
into Gwyneth Goop Paltrow!
314
00:13:24,480 --> 00:13:25,919
I'm on a juice-only diet.
315
00:13:25,920 --> 00:13:28,679
And why are you crouched like that?
It's the juice.
316
00:13:28,680 --> 00:13:30,999
If I sit down, I fart.
If I stand up, I fart.
317
00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:32,919
This is the only position
that I don't...
318
00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:34,760
- P-FF-FRT!
- Better out than in, Jemima.
319
00:13:34,763 --> 00:13:37,559
Dutty gyal! How does that not
give you the ick?
320
00:13:37,560 --> 00:13:39,119
I don't know!
321
00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:41,279
But you lot need to get it together
322
00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:43,359
if I'm going to stand a chance
with Mo. Hmm?
323
00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:45,719
And Mitchell needs to crawl back
into the bargain bucket
324
00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:47,639
that he came from, Blessing.
325
00:13:47,640 --> 00:13:51,159
You need Mr Harper out the way
for how long? A week?
326
00:13:51,160 --> 00:13:54,279
Oh, please. I just need a couple
of hours alone with Mo.
327
00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:55,959
I need a pen, a doughnut
328
00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:57,599
and your credit card.
329
00:13:57,600 --> 00:14:00,039
♪ Baby cakes
You just don't know, know
330
00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:03,439
♪ How I-I, I want you so, so
331
00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:07,119
♪ And I just want you to know
That I think our love will grow
332
00:14:07,120 --> 00:14:10,279
♪ We'll take it step by step
Because I'm not something you own
333
00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:12,999
♪ Baby cakes
You just don't know, know... ♪
334
00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:14,960
HE RETCHES
335
00:14:18,920 --> 00:14:20,360
What is that?
336
00:14:21,520 --> 00:14:23,519
"Mr Harper.
337
00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:25,839
"Bernadette Hoburn here.
338
00:14:25,840 --> 00:14:28,199
"I was well harsh this morning.
339
00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:32,039
"So to apologise, you and a friend
are invited to join
340
00:14:32,040 --> 00:14:33,439
"some key leb...
341
00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:34,719
"ce-le..."
342
00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:37,679
Celebrity. "..celebrity guests
for a beer bike tour."
343
00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:39,159
Sick! Nice one, sir.
344
00:14:39,160 --> 00:14:40,520
Do you think I'm an idiot?
345
00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:43,399
This is from Hoburn.
346
00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:44,879
It's obviously some sort of test.
347
00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:48,080
Or she's trying to show you
how much she appreciates you.
348
00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:50,439
Oi, Fraser.
349
00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:53,479
Yes? Mr Harper's got a plus-one
on a trip of a lifetime.
350
00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:55,519
But no can do.
351
00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:59,439
Mo has given me a pep talk and
I'm now putting the lad
352
00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:00,959
into salad.
353
00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:02,999
But it's a celebrity beer bike.
354
00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:04,959
Celebs?! Oh, shit.
355
00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:06,279
No, no, no! No, Fraser.
356
00:15:06,280 --> 00:15:08,079
These kids aren't bloody rabbits.
357
00:15:08,080 --> 00:15:10,919
Look, Jesus! Right, come on, right.
Just wait a minute! Please, no!
358
00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:12,759
I've got a headache!
359
00:15:12,760 --> 00:15:14,679
Fraser, I'm telling you!
This is a trap!
360
00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:16,879
I'm already on my last chance
with Hoburn as it is.
361
00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:18,599
Beer bike for Mitchell Harper?
362
00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:20,359
Is that...?
363
00:15:20,360 --> 00:15:21,959
It is.
364
00:15:21,960 --> 00:15:23,199
It's Golden Balls.
365
00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:24,399
Jasper Carrott?
366
00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:25,680
David Beckham!
367
00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:28,879
At your service, gaffer.
368
00:15:28,880 --> 00:15:30,559
Climb aboard the Becks mobile.
369
00:15:30,560 --> 00:15:33,879
This is a dream come true!
I can't believe it!
370
00:15:33,880 --> 00:15:36,439
Hoburn knows me
better than I know myself.
371
00:15:36,440 --> 00:15:38,759
Oh, Becks, you having a laugh?
372
00:15:38,760 --> 00:15:40,319
You brought the missus along?
373
00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:42,199
Cor, you under the thumb much
or what?
374
00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:44,519
Who's that courtly old gentleman?
375
00:15:44,520 --> 00:15:47,680
I am Colonel Sanders, KFC empire?
376
00:15:50,040 --> 00:15:52,279
I ain't being funny, mate,
but ain't he white?
377
00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:55,359
You think a white man created
a chicken seasoning recipe
378
00:15:55,360 --> 00:15:57,599
with 11 secret herbs and spices?
379
00:15:57,600 --> 00:15:59,000
Great point. Lager?
380
00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:02,039
This is the best day of my life.
381
00:16:02,040 --> 00:16:03,959
What about the birth of your son?
382
00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:05,599
This is the best day of my life.
383
00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:08,160
All aboard.
We got to pick up a few more VIPs.
384
00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:13,839
Got to ask -
385
00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:15,239
leg or breast?
386
00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:17,120
I am vegetarian.
387
00:16:18,240 --> 00:16:20,239
Naughty little Colonel.
388
00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:22,519
Never have I ever shagged
a Spice Girl.
389
00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:23,679
Drink.
390
00:16:23,680 --> 00:16:26,679
♪ Well, if it's unhealthy then
I don't give a damn
391
00:16:26,680 --> 00:16:28,919
♪ Cause even if it kills me... ♪
392
00:16:28,920 --> 00:16:30,519
Yo, yo!
393
00:16:30,520 --> 00:16:33,599
Stephen told me that Mr Harper
has gone AWOL.
394
00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:37,279
But, luckily, Captain Jack Sparrow
here
395
00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:39,279
is pumped to cover for him.
396
00:16:39,280 --> 00:16:41,839
All right, let's start with
a selfie.
397
00:16:41,840 --> 00:16:43,679
Oh. Oh, hi, Stephen.
398
00:16:43,680 --> 00:16:45,119
Oh...
399
00:16:45,120 --> 00:16:46,919
Stephen? I CAN see you.
400
00:16:46,920 --> 00:16:48,399
STEPHEN SQUEALS
401
00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:50,280
Nice. Unlucky. Let's go!
402
00:16:51,360 --> 00:16:54,319
You need stronger wrists,
and there's an easy way to get 'em.
403
00:16:54,320 --> 00:16:55,960
STEPHEN CHUCKLES
404
00:16:58,760 --> 00:17:00,359
CHEERING
405
00:17:00,360 --> 00:17:02,439
Wow! Go get another ball,
get another ball.
406
00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:04,200
Let's go. Never too much running.
407
00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:11,519
HOBURN, OVER PA SYSTEM: Hello.
408
00:17:11,520 --> 00:17:14,719
Did you hear the one
about the cross-eyed teacher?
409
00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:16,200
He can't control his pupils.
410
00:17:17,760 --> 00:17:20,358
But he is a valued member
of the team,
411
00:17:20,359 --> 00:17:22,679
so bravo, bravo to Mr Bingham.
412
00:17:22,680 --> 00:17:27,078
I'd like to invite the school
to the assembly hall in ten
413
00:17:27,079 --> 00:17:29,640
for my tight... ten.
414
00:17:31,560 --> 00:17:33,599
Basil? Paprika? Fenugreek?
415
00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:36,159
Please stop. It's been three hours.
416
00:17:36,160 --> 00:17:37,439
Asafoetida?
417
00:17:37,440 --> 00:17:40,999
If you don't stop, I will throw
myself off this bike headfirst.
418
00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:42,079
Dill?
419
00:17:42,080 --> 00:17:43,959
Horseradish. Stay out of it,
Wallace!
420
00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:45,599
It's got nothing to do with you.
421
00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:46,919
What is SHE doing here?
422
00:17:46,920 --> 00:17:49,879
Right,
the European Championships 2004.
423
00:17:49,880 --> 00:17:51,959
Explain that penalty kick. Nah.
424
00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:53,439
I fucked it, mate.
425
00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:54,959
Well, that's an understatement.
426
00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:57,559
Wait a minute, I've seen that woman
glaring at us before.
427
00:17:57,560 --> 00:18:00,039
We're going round in circles.
We're in a cul-de-sac.
428
00:18:00,040 --> 00:18:01,279
Oh, dear.
429
00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:03,039
Becks has cocked up the directions.
430
00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:05,319
If it IS horseradish, blink twice.
431
00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:09,079
Told you. Wallace, make like you're
inside one of your factories
432
00:18:09,080 --> 00:18:10,519
and can it!
433
00:18:10,520 --> 00:18:11,959
CHEERING
434
00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:14,240
You can identify as anything
these days.
435
00:18:15,480 --> 00:18:18,639
Ooh, hang on,
a few... a few nerves in the room!
436
00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:21,279
Erm, I identify as...
437
00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:23,039
..a workaholic.
438
00:18:23,040 --> 00:18:26,159
Ha! Do you get it? Because, I mean,
who doesn't love work?
439
00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:27,559
Am I right?
440
00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:30,879
You know, the other day,
my out-of-office said
441
00:18:30,880 --> 00:18:34,839
that I was on holiday until 2124.
442
00:18:34,840 --> 00:18:36,559
And I know what you're thinking.
443
00:18:36,560 --> 00:18:39,839
"A 100-year holiday?
That would be horrific!"
444
00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:41,519
Your jokes are dead!
445
00:18:41,520 --> 00:18:44,879
Well, to whoever shouted that out,
erm, comedy is subjective.
446
00:18:44,880 --> 00:18:46,679
DIX BIT: Yeah, you're dying,
Bernadette.
447
00:18:46,680 --> 00:18:48,359
Yeah, you're dying, mate!
Oh, my God.
448
00:18:48,360 --> 00:18:50,119
Right, all right, forget this.
THEY LAUGH
449
00:18:50,120 --> 00:18:51,479
I've been Miss Hoburn.
450
00:18:51,480 --> 00:18:53,199
I'll see you all in detention.
451
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:54,639
Hope that's funny enough for you.
452
00:18:54,640 --> 00:18:56,079
Goodnight.
453
00:18:56,080 --> 00:18:57,519
What? But...
454
00:18:57,520 --> 00:18:59,439
Boo!
455
00:18:59,440 --> 00:19:02,839
Bucket list. Stand-up.
456
00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:04,399
World record...
457
00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:05,639
Number six,
458
00:19:05,640 --> 00:19:09,640
wreak my hideous revenge.
459
00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:13,599
Stick to the day job!
Stick to the day job!
460
00:19:13,600 --> 00:19:14,679
Get off!
461
00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:16,199
Where's Mr Harper?
462
00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:19,519
As far as I'm concerned, Harper is
responsible for all of this!
463
00:19:19,520 --> 00:19:21,439
Boo! Get off the stage, you tosser!
464
00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:23,520
Ah, piss off!
465
00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:31,479
Colonel, you know, the Beckhams have
got one of our own in the family.
466
00:19:31,480 --> 00:19:32,799
Wee Brooklyn.
467
00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:34,999
Saw him making toast on Instagram
this morning.
468
00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:36,319
The kid's a natural.
469
00:19:36,320 --> 00:19:39,239
Right, we're going round in circles,
Becks.
470
00:19:39,240 --> 00:19:41,359
What is going on? Don't lie to me.
471
00:19:41,360 --> 00:19:43,839
I am your gaffer.
I'll go full Sir Alex!
472
00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:46,199
Oh, not the hair - hic! - hairdryer
treatment.
473
00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:48,559
Our client is Stephanie Fierce.
474
00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:50,279
AKA Stephen Carmichael.
475
00:19:50,280 --> 00:19:53,719
He said to keep you away from
the school for as long as possible.
476
00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:56,239
So Hoburn DIDN'T book this trip?
Stephen did?
477
00:19:56,240 --> 00:19:59,359
Oh, my God, Bernie's going to be
pissed. No-one's teaching PE.
478
00:19:59,360 --> 00:20:01,599
Well, they've got Mo Dix -
he could cover for you.
479
00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:02,959
Well, I'm not going to get fired
480
00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:05,199
just so Stephen can have
a roll around with that prat.
481
00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:06,519
I am turning this bike around.
482
00:20:06,520 --> 00:20:09,080
DRAMATIC CLASSICAL MUSIC
483
00:20:14,120 --> 00:20:15,439
TYRES SQUEAL
484
00:20:15,440 --> 00:20:16,480
Oh...
485
00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:36,119
SPLASH!
486
00:20:36,120 --> 00:20:37,599
Splash down! Well done.
487
00:20:37,600 --> 00:20:39,759
That was a really healthy,
big, glossy one.
488
00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:42,039
Uh! Uh! What?
489
00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:45,039
Like an otter down a river bank.
Keep eating your fibre, bud.
490
00:20:45,040 --> 00:20:48,719
Half-price Hercules is spying on us
in the toilets!
491
00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:50,839
He's got to go - now!
492
00:20:50,840 --> 00:20:53,239
Mm. That's not going to be
on my mood board
493
00:20:53,240 --> 00:20:55,119
because he's not giving me
the ick yet,
494
00:20:55,120 --> 00:20:56,839
and I don't think he ever will.
495
00:20:56,840 --> 00:20:58,040
Harper?
496
00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:00,559
Harper!
497
00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:02,360
- Carmichael.
- STEPHEN GROANS
498
00:21:02,363 --> 00:21:04,079
Mm? Did you or did you not hear me
499
00:21:04,080 --> 00:21:06,319
give Mr Harper his final warning
loud and clear?
500
00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:07,560
Erm...
501
00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:11,079
Yeah, I did.
502
00:21:11,080 --> 00:21:12,919
And now he bunks off!
503
00:21:12,920 --> 00:21:16,239
I've wasted the best years
of my life on idiots like him.
504
00:21:16,240 --> 00:21:18,360
Well, I'm going to make him
pay for it.
505
00:21:19,920 --> 00:21:21,199
Yo.
506
00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:23,959
I thought getting Sir on a beer bike
was a victimless crime.
507
00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:25,719
You didn't tell us
he was in trouble.
508
00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:29,399
Oh, poor Mr Harper.
He gets such a bad rep.
509
00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:30,839
He taught us lifting.
510
00:21:30,840 --> 00:21:32,119
Shoplifting.
511
00:21:32,120 --> 00:21:35,359
But we don't want him to lose
his job. You're so selfish.
512
00:21:35,360 --> 00:21:38,159
Because of you, we're stuck with
Mo Dix forever.
513
00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:39,319
I'm sorry.
514
00:21:39,320 --> 00:21:42,239
OK, maybe I've been a little
one-track-minded of recent.
515
00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:44,319
But let's find Mr Harper.
516
00:21:44,320 --> 00:21:47,199
I have him on Find My Mobile.
517
00:21:47,200 --> 00:21:48,839
Don't ask why.
518
00:21:48,840 --> 00:21:51,480
There we go. Found him.
519
00:21:52,840 --> 00:21:53,880
Where?
520
00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:56,439
Doesn't seem to be moving, though.
521
00:21:56,440 --> 00:21:58,479
He's probably just sat at the bar.
522
00:21:58,480 --> 00:22:00,839
But he's nowhere near a pub.
523
00:22:00,840 --> 00:22:03,159
Oh, no.
524
00:22:03,160 --> 00:22:06,039
Right. Inchez, Warren,
go find Mr Harper.
525
00:22:06,040 --> 00:22:09,399
You guys, we need to distract
Miss Hoburn till they get back.
526
00:22:09,400 --> 00:22:10,959
How are we going to do that?
527
00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:12,719
I found her bucket list.
528
00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:15,600
But we're going to need
our inventions.
529
00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:18,319
I hear you.
530
00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:22,479
Oh, I LOVE this!
♪ Teamwork makes the dream work! ♪
531
00:22:22,480 --> 00:22:24,679
I'll stay here and look out for Mo.
532
00:22:24,680 --> 00:22:26,359
But how is that going to help?
533
00:22:26,360 --> 00:22:27,519
Don't question me.
534
00:22:27,520 --> 00:22:28,679
Go!
535
00:22:28,680 --> 00:22:31,439
♪ Don't you know I'm walkin' away?
536
00:22:31,440 --> 00:22:33,479
♪ Now, I'm in my own space... ♪
Agh! Ah!
537
00:22:33,480 --> 00:22:36,559
♪ Babe, you know I ain't waitin'
for you
538
00:22:36,560 --> 00:22:40,759
♪ And if you don't want me
to stay... ♪
539
00:22:40,760 --> 00:22:42,679
David!
540
00:22:42,680 --> 00:22:44,279
David!
541
00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:46,079
Don't you run away!
542
00:22:46,080 --> 00:22:49,439
You ain't better than me!
How could he do this to me?
543
00:22:49,440 --> 00:22:52,639
I had his name on the back
of ALL of my hooky England shirts.
544
00:22:52,640 --> 00:22:54,399
My arm's trapped under the bike.
545
00:22:54,400 --> 00:22:56,639
All right, Fraser, Fraser,
try not to move it,
546
00:22:56,640 --> 00:22:58,039
you'll only damage it further.
547
00:22:58,040 --> 00:22:59,519
Or you can cut it off.
548
00:22:59,520 --> 00:23:01,799
Oh, quite a good idea, actually,
Colonel.
549
00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:03,959
Like in the film 127 Hours.
550
00:23:03,960 --> 00:23:06,199
It's not even been 127 seconds.
551
00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:08,119
Or I can cut it off for you.
552
00:23:08,120 --> 00:23:10,999
You're not even trapped!
Just go and get help.
553
00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:12,240
FLATLY: Help.
554
00:23:13,280 --> 00:23:14,439
Help.
555
00:23:14,440 --> 00:23:15,719
No-one is coming.
556
00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:18,479
Don't just stand there, Colonel,
please.
557
00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:20,399
This is finger-licking good.
558
00:23:20,400 --> 00:23:23,120
Boneless bants-quet.
559
00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:26,480
Kill me now.
560
00:23:29,560 --> 00:23:30,839
Harper!
561
00:23:30,840 --> 00:23:33,040
Oh, you guys, I can hear her coming.
Quick.
562
00:23:37,800 --> 00:23:39,239
Harper!
563
00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:42,079
Miss! I hope you don't mind,
564
00:23:42,080 --> 00:23:45,039
but I accidentally read
your bucket list.
565
00:23:45,040 --> 00:23:46,999
Stand-up? Smashed it.
566
00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:48,919
Hilarious.
567
00:23:48,920 --> 00:23:50,759
Oh, well, I appreciate that.
568
00:23:50,760 --> 00:23:52,519
But, you see, it's a bit of a bore.
569
00:23:52,520 --> 00:23:54,199
In your lingo,
570
00:23:54,200 --> 00:23:55,679
I'm a "dead ting".
571
00:23:55,680 --> 00:23:59,759
No, you're not! Wax that top lip
and I'm sure there's a man out there
572
00:23:59,760 --> 00:24:02,359
who'd want to smash. No, I mean
literally, dead!
573
00:24:02,360 --> 00:24:05,879
Whoa. And now there's only one thing
I can hope to be remembered for -
574
00:24:05,880 --> 00:24:07,839
shipping off that foreign exchange
student
575
00:24:07,840 --> 00:24:09,879
on the first flight to Rwanda.
576
00:24:09,880 --> 00:24:12,199
Well, if you actually are dying,
577
00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:14,679
then maybe we can help to tick
something off your list.
578
00:24:14,680 --> 00:24:16,639
You've piqued my interest.
579
00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:18,039
Let's set a world record.
580
00:24:18,040 --> 00:24:21,559
I mean, all the cool ones are taken,
but I'm sure we can do a dumb one.
581
00:24:21,560 --> 00:24:22,879
No, I'm less piqued.
582
00:24:22,880 --> 00:24:25,759
Well, I guess you don't want
this certificate, then.
583
00:24:25,760 --> 00:24:29,720
Eh? For eating your own body weight
in coronation quiche.
584
00:24:32,800 --> 00:24:34,159
Where did you get all this from?
585
00:24:34,160 --> 00:24:37,280
Mr Fraser emptied the freezer
for his science invention.
586
00:24:38,600 --> 00:24:39,639
Right.
587
00:24:39,640 --> 00:24:41,599
I'm going to need a bib, a bucket
588
00:24:41,600 --> 00:24:43,839
and a busload of betablockers!
589
00:24:43,840 --> 00:24:45,319
PILLS RATTLE
590
00:24:45,320 --> 00:24:47,799
For king and quiche!
591
00:24:47,800 --> 00:24:50,399
For king and quiche!
592
00:24:50,400 --> 00:24:53,879
There he is! Oh, my God! Oh!
593
00:24:53,880 --> 00:24:55,879
Yes! Yes!
594
00:24:55,880 --> 00:24:58,759
Yes, you legends! Right!
Help us out of here.
595
00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:01,319
Let's go. Phew! Mr Carmichael
ain't going to be happy, sir.
596
00:25:01,320 --> 00:25:03,199
I think he was hoping to get
his deposit back.
597
00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:05,199
He was going to use it
to pay for a blue tick.
598
00:25:05,200 --> 00:25:07,519
I mean, people need to know
he's better than them.
599
00:25:07,520 --> 00:25:09,879
Yeah, well, I don't care.
He stitched me right up.
600
00:25:09,880 --> 00:25:11,439
Look, enough Chatty Patty, man.
601
00:25:11,440 --> 00:25:14,160
How are we going to lift this ting?
With the kitten heels.
602
00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:19,279
Now, Mr Carmichael never told me
his real weight,
603
00:25:19,280 --> 00:25:20,839
so I set the upper limit to high.
604
00:25:20,840 --> 00:25:23,959
You know, in case he has dense
bones. Also, in today's society...
605
00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:25,319
Warren, get on with it.
606
00:25:25,320 --> 00:25:26,680
OK, sure.
607
00:25:31,240 --> 00:25:33,359
Ahh! Oh!
608
00:25:33,360 --> 00:25:36,639
In the words of Mr Carmichael,
those kitties just purred.
609
00:25:36,640 --> 00:25:38,920
Huh. Huh! Help me up, Colonel.
610
00:25:44,160 --> 00:25:45,719
I will never wash this.
611
00:25:45,720 --> 00:25:46,999
Colonel!
612
00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:48,640
Colonel!
613
00:25:49,840 --> 00:25:51,999
Colonel! Well done, Warren.
614
00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:53,639
Go on, Miss! Go on, Miss!
615
00:25:53,640 --> 00:25:55,520
Miss! Miss! Miss!
616
00:25:56,640 --> 00:26:00,359
Miss, Miss Hoburn, Miss Hoburn.
I am so, so sorry about today.
617
00:26:00,360 --> 00:26:02,639
Look, but the thing is,
I really love this job
618
00:26:02,640 --> 00:26:04,319
and I will do better, I promise.
619
00:26:04,320 --> 00:26:06,079
No time. No time! Piss off!
620
00:26:06,080 --> 00:26:08,599
Sweet! Eat! Eat! Eat!
621
00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:10,199
Go on, Miss, keep going! Eat! Eat!
Eat!
622
00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:11,559
And we shall!
623
00:26:11,560 --> 00:26:14,239
The Colonel finally wrote down
the secret ingredient for me
624
00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:16,160
- on this piece of paper.
- DOOR OPENS
625
00:26:16,163 --> 00:26:17,260
WIND WHOOSHES
626
00:26:17,261 --> 00:26:18,359
Huh? Oh.
627
00:26:18,360 --> 00:26:20,959
Get the... No, no! My secret!
628
00:26:20,960 --> 00:26:23,279
Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat!
What's going on in here?
629
00:26:23,280 --> 00:26:24,639
Miss is sweating for you, sir.
630
00:26:24,640 --> 00:26:26,599
Thought you would be proud
to see that.
631
00:26:26,600 --> 00:26:28,119
She's got the quiche sweats.
632
00:26:28,120 --> 00:26:29,559
Are you trying to kill my brand?
633
00:26:29,560 --> 00:26:31,080
- ALARM BEEPS
- Oh...
634
00:26:31,083 --> 00:26:33,079
Ah! Sorry, Miss.
635
00:26:33,080 --> 00:26:34,639
You were three slices out.
636
00:26:34,640 --> 00:26:37,519
No! Stretch Armstrong threw me
off my game
637
00:26:37,520 --> 00:26:39,039
with all his blather!
638
00:26:39,040 --> 00:26:42,079
Blather? I'm trying to turn
this school into a winner!
639
00:26:42,080 --> 00:26:43,839
And how is that working out for you?
640
00:26:43,840 --> 00:26:45,519
Look who's top of the leaderboard.
641
00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:48,439
The man who thinks
greens are a class-B drug.
642
00:26:48,440 --> 00:26:49,759
It must be a malfunction.
643
00:26:49,760 --> 00:26:51,879
Cheeky prick.
I've been pedalling all day.
644
00:26:51,880 --> 00:26:53,439
HE VOMITS
645
00:26:53,440 --> 00:26:55,559
Uh! Uh! Sir!
646
00:26:55,560 --> 00:26:58,719
I've also been drinking solidly
for the past 24 hours.
647
00:26:58,720 --> 00:27:00,639
Right, the deal is off, Dix.
648
00:27:00,640 --> 00:27:03,279
Your app is more useless
than Mr Harper,
649
00:27:03,280 --> 00:27:05,479
and that is REALLY saying something.
650
00:27:05,480 --> 00:27:06,879
Whatever.
651
00:27:06,880 --> 00:27:09,959
I can fix the Dix Bit, but one thing
I cannot fix is this giant,
652
00:27:09,960 --> 00:27:12,160
floating fatberg of a school!
653
00:27:13,160 --> 00:27:14,679
Boo! Bye!
654
00:27:14,680 --> 00:27:17,839
Look, Miss,
everyone's cheering for you.
655
00:27:17,840 --> 00:27:20,079
This could be part of your legacy.
656
00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:23,240
DIX BIT: No pulse detected.
Signals critical.
657
00:27:28,440 --> 00:27:31,159
I've seen things
you people wouldn't believe.
658
00:27:31,160 --> 00:27:35,119
I saw Philip Green soil himself
at a retail luncheon.
659
00:27:35,120 --> 00:27:37,879
All those moments lost.
660
00:27:37,880 --> 00:27:39,999
You were wearing it too loose, Miss.
661
00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:41,359
It couldn't feel your pulse.
662
00:27:41,360 --> 00:27:42,839
OK! Nice!
663
00:27:42,840 --> 00:27:44,239
Let's go, baby!
664
00:27:44,240 --> 00:27:45,999
Oh!
665
00:27:46,000 --> 00:27:49,879
This is the best day of my LIFE!
666
00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:53,399
Yes! Yes! You the man!
667
00:27:53,400 --> 00:27:56,799
Go Hoburn! Go Hoburn! Go Hoburn!
Go Hoburn!
668
00:27:56,800 --> 00:27:59,039
I'm sorry I threw you
under the beer bike.
669
00:27:59,040 --> 00:28:01,559
I was thinking with my heart
and not my head.
670
00:28:01,560 --> 00:28:02,959
Look, it's fine. I get it.
671
00:28:02,960 --> 00:28:04,959
I forgive you. Thank you.
672
00:28:04,960 --> 00:28:07,159
Worst part is I didn't even
get his number.
673
00:28:07,160 --> 00:28:09,519
Well, go, then. Go on, go after him.
674
00:28:09,520 --> 00:28:11,120
Oh, my God.
675
00:28:13,040 --> 00:28:15,959
Wait! Mo! Slow down.
676
00:28:15,960 --> 00:28:17,599
Slow down.
677
00:28:17,600 --> 00:28:20,959
Oh. Only bitches with no arse walk
fast, and that ain't me.
678
00:28:20,960 --> 00:28:24,120
You know, it's a shame
it didn't work out, Stephen.
679
00:28:25,160 --> 00:28:26,839
I did really like you.
680
00:28:26,840 --> 00:28:28,960
Well, show me, then.
681
00:28:39,680 --> 00:28:41,119
Ugh!
682
00:28:41,120 --> 00:28:42,599
God.
683
00:28:42,600 --> 00:28:44,279
I worked out what gives me the ick.
684
00:28:44,280 --> 00:28:45,399
What? What?
685
00:28:45,400 --> 00:28:47,159
It's boat shoes!
686
00:28:47,160 --> 00:28:49,480
DRAMATIC CLASSICAL MUSIC
687
00:28:56,080 --> 00:28:58,680
Don't touch me! Why?!
81484
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