All language subtitles for Bad.Education.S04E01.Rivals.1080p.iP.-en

This programme contains adult humour

# Blow the dice for me
Woo

# Put your pretty ass lips together
Blow it real nice for me

# Blow it real nice for me
Yeah

# I'm tryna hit a lick and slide to
the dealership in the morning

# Wah

# Poppa need a brand-new foreign

# Uh, hot hand, they
not gon' believe me

# But check the recording

# Ooh, just touched down,
up a few thou'

# Big booty hoes with me
in the big house

# Bar full of liquor,
cash for the strippers

# It's gonna get weird tonight,
so no pictures

# Pretty...with some money to blow

# I'm 'bout to buy Las Vegas
after this roll
BURPS LOUDLY

# I'm about to buy Las Vegas
after this roll

# Come on, 7-7-7, let's go... #

You've got bean
juice on your whistle.

Peanut!

Oh, my life.

# I'm J to the M to the E

# I make G-R-I-M to the E... #

Peeps say getting inked hurts.

Must have a high pain threshold.

Yeah, for eyeliner.

Dickhead.

"Mug life."

Bruv, I told you to write
"thug life."

You saying I'm dyslexic?
My spelling is on point, bruv.

You best put some
R-E-C-P-T-E-T-E on my name.

THEY LAUGH

You guys, I was on Wowcher last
night because I'm so skint

and I found this hip-hop yoga class
called NamastDizzle.

And I was thinking...

Jinx, is that a yoga class
or a hate crime?

Yeah, so lame, right?

I'm so blessed to have
you guys as my galdem.

And I got these.

Cute.

Yo, bup, bup, bup, bup, Blessing,
bust me a pack of Nik Naks.

My label owes me gwap.

Label? I didn't know they paid
people to sing on Songs Of Praise.

Hey, allow it.

And I told you, I was only in that
church choir for the pussy.

Like you've even seen one.

Morning!

It is me. It is I.

All right, sir.

Er...

It's giving matinee energy.

We'll try that again, shall we?

CHEERING

Now that just felt sarcastic.

Out, out, out, out. Everybody out!

Sir, why are you kicking us out?

You broke one of my
only rules, Usma -

"No bad vibes."

Sharpish.

What?

# Uh-oh

# Uh-oh, you're in trouble... #

And you can get out, too.

You're the definition of bad vibes.

You can't send me out, treacle.

I'm a teacher, too.

I can do whatever I want.

I can run in the corridor, chew gum.

I can even swing on my chair.

I'm invincible.

Oh!

# Yeah, proper tings

# Original style

# We've come to keep them down

# The wicked man is one, yeah. #

No lipstick, girls.

This is a school, not a brothel.

Why aren't you working?

I want As coming out
of this classroom,

and currently there are too many Ds.

Oi, miss man, you don't like the D?

KIDS SNICKER
Of course I don't like Ds.

What happens when
you catch a D, Miss?

I'd be clamping down on it...

..very hard.

KIDS LAUGH

Don't sneak back in.

I can smell...
HE SNIFFS

..urgh, cheap deodorant
and morning breath.

Funny, I'm wearing Chanel number

do you want to get fired?

Oh, I thought I was
smelling Mr Harper.

Doubt it. Jinx has confiscated
my Lynx Africa.

She said it was problematic.

It's like Jesy Nelson in a can.

You send them all out for bad vibes?

That's not true, Miss.

He sent me out for
blocking his light.

Mr Harper, where's your class?

In the gym playing Capture The Flag.

Well, what if the game ends?
The game won't end, Miss.

Why not? Because I've got the flag.

LAUGHTER

You two, my office, now.

Mate, I can't lose this job now.

My Mrs says it's turning me
into a responsible adult.

Oi-oi.

HE LAUGHS
How was your trip, you tuna melt?

How come your arse ain't flapping?

I'm like Prince Andrew.

That is not something
to say in a school.

As in, I'm not sweating. Full stop.

Er, move.

I'm booked and busy.

Joe McElderry's got shingles on
the Grease tour and they want...

Nice. West End?

Doncaster Art Centre.

Then the bright lights of LA.
Los Angeles?

Lytham St Annes. Oh.

PHONE VIBRATES
Oh, it's my agent. One sec.

Darling!

I thought you'd forgotten me.

What's she doing in there
with the maths teacher?

I'll let you into a
dirty little secret.

I got my IB when I was 17.

Bernadette, I had no idea.

No. Well, I usually
keep it on the QT.

You know, employers can get
very funny about these things

and make me feel like
I'm some sort of freak.

THEY LAUGH

Fuming. What?

That little tart's
made a full recovery.

I thought shingles was fatal.

Now you're sweating.
STEPHEN SIGHS DEEPLY

Your career's back on the blink,
and I've got this to think about.

Oh, cute. Innit?

And he's hung like a donkey.

That's the umbilical cord.

Oh, is that what they're
calling it nowadays?

DOOR CLOSES
Children.

The head mistress will see you now.

"Children"?

Would a child do this?

Jog on, Calculator.

You two are by far the worst
performing teachers in this school.

Er, you can't just throw a shade
like that without receipts.

Oh, you want receipts?
Well, how about this?

Hey, Keira and Tom, have
a fab time at Thorpe Park.

Live your best lives. School's out.

Aw, cute.

It's one of the cameo videos
I did for my devotees.

"Devotees"?

No, these are students,
and they are tricking you.

You have given them
permission to play truant.

HE LAUGHS
She means bunk off.

And now we turn to the
Poundland Joe Wicks.

Could you please explain to me why
we found your cross-country team

heading for John O'Groats?

What, the pub near the roundabout?

I did tell them to stay
hydrated, to be fair.

No, it's the furthest
point in Scotland.

Then what you got the 'ump for?

That is literally cross-country.
Enough.

The government is
making cuts to education

and accordingly I have
to cut our budget by 30%.

So we are going paperless,
heatless and school counsellorless.

But I also need to lose
one whole department.

I've narrowed it down
to a shortlist of two.

Can you guess which they are?

Erm... Oh, I love guessing games!

Er, yeah. Er...

History and the one
with the Bunsen burners.

Drama and physical education.

It's alright for me, then.

I've never even heard
of physical education.

It's PE, dipshit.

Oh, bollocks.

Look, prove to me which
of your tinpot subject

is of greater value to Abbey Grove.

I mean, which can actually
be used to teach our pupils

genuinely useful things?

Ah, when the kids had
their chemistry mocks,

I taught them that dry
periodic table song.

Stephen, slaytrogen
is not on the periodic table.

It's...
# Slay-tra-g-ogen. #

And half of them wrote that
E equals MC Squared

is a Mariah Carey album.

Well, it is.

You have until the end of the week.

Then you will be back in here
and one of you will get fired.

Oh, well, I'll miss you, babes.

I'll miss you too, mate.
Good luck with the job hunt.

Huh? Just face it. You're the one
that's going to be back signing on.

Joke's on you, mate,
cos I still am.

Whaaaay.

Gotcha!

Psst! Stephen, I need a word.

What?

The cuts mean I have to buy produce
that's got about 21 seconds to go

before it becomes life threatening.

So now I have to print off
health warnings, by law.

Well, Hoburn's not
going to like that

because she wants the
school to go paperless.

Oh, crap-tin-fantastic.

Then I really need your help.

The thing is,
I was bashing away at the buttons

and it started printing
something about aardvarks.

Erm, I don't think
you can serve those.

No, Stephen, it's a word
that begins with a double A.

Don't you get it?

This is the entry form
to Alcoholics Anonymous.

Ah, well, we've
suspected it for years.

No, Stephen, I think I'm printing...

..the entire Internet.

I don't have time for this drama,
just unplug the printer.

PRINTER STOPS

HE SIGHS

PRINTER RESTARTS

Oh, no, it's gone viral.

Today we're doing something
a little bit different.

We're integrating the
PSHE into our class

to show all the ways that
drama can make you a healthier,

more valuable person.

Ignore me. Pretend I'm not here.

Let's talk trauma.

What better way to deal with
it than with theatre? Therapy.

Shh! So who wants to share some
trauma they've experienced?

Sir, I'm carrying a lot of trauma.

I've got the unbearable weight

of being the only
peng ting in Tring.

I'm exhausted.

Sir. Hm.

Go on, Harrison.

I'm in an abusive relationship...
Ohh.

..with biscuits.
CLASS GIGGLES

Can we have a serious one, please?
It is.

It's not good for the gains.

I tried to quit, but then my nan
found me round the back of Londis,

crouched by the wheelie bin
with a face full of ginger nuts.

I'm just so ashamed. Uh.

Anyone else? My mum
and I are leaving home.

Oh, hello.

We're going to live on a farm.

The Soho farmhouse.

But the spa is broken.

But the only reason we're going
there is because my parents

are getting a divorce.

Oh, brilliant!

Oh, well, not for them or for you.

Start there. Yo. I feel for her.

That's why she's been
beg friend of the year.

I'm scared I won't get to see
my friends this half term,

now that I have to go on
two separate skiing holidays.

Oh, I just stopped
feeling bad for her.

The Caucassie. Er...

Who wants to play Jinx's
mum and dad in a role play?

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no.

Of course not.
That was an inappropriate question.

I'll play them both.

Oi, Fraser, have you
got any passata?

Mitchell, I'm printing
the Internet in colour,

and it's coming out of
every printer in the school.

Hoburn cannot find out.

Help me get the rest
of eBay in the oven

and then I'm going
to tackle the Kanye.

You take his tweets,
I'll grapple with the discourse.

Look, I think I know why
Bernie's in such a filthy mood.

I overheard her
complaining about having IB.

Have you ever heard of it?

IB? AKA irritable bowel.

No laughing matter.
Well, can it spread?

Cos I think she might
just be full blown irritable.

I wish I could help you out,

but I've just turned the
NHS website into a smoothie.

Jinx, this is your chance to say
what you need to your parents.

Your deepest, darkest fears.

Let it all out, girl.

OK. Mum, Dad, are you
splitting up because of me?

No, Jemima, sweetie, of course not.

Er...

I guess I needed to hear that.

IMITATES MUM: We're getting a
divorce because somebody spent

all of our money on fast cars,
fine wine,

and probably something
to do with crypto.

IMITATES DAD: Our money?
That's a stretch.

That's why Jinx is stuck
in that inner city school

with the dregs of Greggs.

But Jinx has one fantastic teacher -
Mr Carmichael.

What? That drop dead ten
you undress with your eyes

at every parents evening?

Plot twist!

I'm sorry, Jemima,

but Mr Carmichael has made me feel
things that take me right back

to boarding school.

Sir, I really appreciate everything
you're trying to do here,

but I'm starting to feel slightly
overwhelmed and quite confused.

As long as you're feeling, babes.

And that's what we'll show
the entire school tomorrow.

We're going to do an
assembly...about divorce.

And scene.

# Don't sweat the technique... #

Right, today we are going to be
integrating some geography with PE.

Two lessons for the
price of one. Bargain.

Yes, it sounds good,
but I'm not here.

You know nothing
about geography, sir.

You told me that Carluccio's
was the capital of Italy.

KIDS GIGGLE
Shut it.

We are going to learn about
tectonic plates and volcanoes

by playing The Floor Is Lava.

BOTH: Period.

See? We're in sync.

Yeah, nice try.

But even I know periods
only come when it's a full moon.

What's that?

Gout.

Well, if you fall in some fruit
and veg, it might do you some good.

OK. Let me get my mouth guard.

And my helmet, and my
girdle, and ankle support,

and kneepads,
and protective goggles.

Mr Harper, Mr Carmichael's
class was very triggering.

I need to talk to someone
about my feelings.

Have you tried Siri?

Mr Carmichael wants to do a whole
school assembly

about my parents' divorce.

He's hijacking my trauma to
show off the drama department.

Well, I am going to show you
why drama can suck PE's balls.

Oh, sorry.

Physical Education's balls.

ALL: Ohhh...

THEY CHEER

Did I mention that
I'm allergic to garlic?

What are you, a vampire? Jump.

CHANTING: Warren! Warren! Warren!
Warren! Warren!

Warren! Warren! Warren!
Warren! Warren! Warren!

Go on, little man.

You got this!

HE YELLS

# That glides

# Across the sky... #

He don't go this.
I'll get the first aid kit.

That was a perfectly good shelf.

Warren, are you OK?

This is full of beer.

Who done that?

HE SNICKERS

I'm going to die.

Ooh!

Content for the Gram, Bernie?

"Gram"?

I'm putting the
coffee machine on eBay.

Every penny counts.

Oh... Fab!

Um...

Psst...

I'm not one to tell tales out of
school, but since we're in school,

um... Naming no names,

one of your members of staff
is planning a very expensive

vanity project and again,
naming no names...

It's a new PE kit.

Harper! Mm-hm.

I found these in his locker.

That's the spring-summer collection.

This is the autumn-winter.

That gilet alone
costs the same as a laptop.

What in the LGBTQIA+ is that?!

It is a preposterous
attempt to make it look like

you would have the taste,

wit and manual dexterity

to make a mood board.

Mr Carmichael, if you
spent more time teaching

and less time trying to
throw your rival under the bus,

then perhaps your subject would
not be on the chopping block.

Two can play that game.

Ha!

Ooh! Close, close, close...

Right, now Dickers.

Harrison!

You all right, mate?
Yeah, you all right?

Yeah. I'm buzzing for this assembly.
What's it about?

It was going to be about
Jinx's parents divorcing,

but then Sir got an angry text from
her dad, so now Sir needs another

big issue, otherwise
he's going to be selling it.

That's a touch, because I just heard
that Hoburn's got irritable bowels.

Oh. And she is dead
keen to raise awareness.

But why would she want us
to be aware of her bowels?

Kids are cruel, sir.

That's why she needs a
powerful assembly to show everyone

this is no laughing matter.

Ohhh... Harrison, it's a chance...

To use drama to break
down the stigma surrounding

irritable bowels, a condition
that's very close to her heart.

Well, stomach.
Let me stop you there.

It's genius.
# We just wanna have fun... #

The book fair tomorrow morning
has been moved to the history block

because the industrial cleaners...

Fraser? You all right?
I haven't slept...

..have still not slept.
I thought the end was in sight

and then I hit Wikipedia
at 5am this morning.

Finally, we have what we
were promised would be

a brief PSHE presentation,

though if it's anything
like his assembly on pronouns,

strap in.

Class K, and Mr Carmichael.

Let's go! Positions.

LIGHT LAUGHTER

In a world of darkness,

knowledge is light!

FUNKY POP MUSIC PLAYS

THEY WHOOP

STEPHEN LAUGHS

As a disco ball,

I see it all.

Here I am at a house party.

Giving, twirling, shining!

Who's this unconventionally
attractive teenage gworl?

Zancing with the village hunk?

Tommy?

WOLF WHISTLE

Wait!

What's that frown?

GROANING, STOMACH RUMBLES

What's holding her back?

MUSIC ENDS OUT OF TUNE

My name's Jeanette Bowman, and
I want my first kiss for Tommy

tonight to be fireworks.

SAD VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYS

But I'm scared...those fireworks
might come out the wrong end

because I suffer...

..from...
DRAMATICALLY: ..I-B-S.

Irritable

bowel

syndrome!

Oh, no! Zon't panic.

Have you done any of the
following to trigger your symptoms?

Have you eaten chillies, bruv?
"Chilli"?

I'm a lemon and herb girl!

Are you on drugs, man?

"Drugs"? Heck, no.

They're for mugs.

Maybe you're stressed.

Oh, yes! Stre-e-ess!

I'm stressed about my exams because
I dream of having a management job

in some kind of public institution.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm the
only one who suffers from IBS.

Tch! Ow, man!

WHISPERING: IBS. IBS. IBS!

WHISPERED: Lauren!

But you're not alone, Jeanette. Oh!

Whoa!

SNICKERING

One in 20 people suffer with IBS.

It can affect anyone,
whether you're old or young,

black, white, a man or
a woman of a certain age

doing a high pressure job
in education.

LAUGHTER

Thanks for calling
out the BS in IBS.

I can do anything now. Whoo!

Be an astronaut, an Olympic swimmer,

or even a head mistress. Whoo-o-o-o!

STEPHEN LAUGHS

That's the spirit,
Jeannette Bon-Bon.

Now, the only thing you'll be
feeling in your tummy are...

..butterflies.

What the actual...

We wanted you to feel seen.

How is she meant to maintain
authority when you've just told

the entire school
she's bowel divergent?

Harrison said that you
wanted to raise awareness

about your condition.
It's not my condition.

I have a perfectly
functioning digestive tract.

Well, Mr Harper said that you
wanted to raise awareness.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
thank you, Harrison. Mm!

Miss Hoburn, I was just
trying to take the initiative.

I heard you pouring your heart
to the human calculator...

WHISPERED: ..about your IB.

WHISPERED: IB is the
International Baccalaureate.

It's an exam.

HE SNIGGERS
Obviously. Duh!

Look, to be fair, I was just
as shocked that that assembly

weren't about your
international balaclava.

Look, by Friday,

one of your departments
will cease to exist.

Forget disco balls.

I'm bringing a wrecking
ball to this little party.

# Me again, allow me to pick up
where I left off... #

Move, get out the way!

Move!

METAL CLATTERS

Inchez, this is well muggy.

You told me it was
Fish And Chip Friday on a Tuesday.

MUFFLED: Move, bitch!

DOOR OPENS
What the...?!

HE YELPS
Ugh...

Warren! You said Nicole Scherzinger
was street-casting

for the new Pussycat Dolls. You made
me run in my vintage zebra belt.

MITCHELL SNICKERS

And what is she doing here?

Chip and Stormzy. Mm-hm.

Biggie versus Pac. Yeah!

Vardy and Colleen! Yeah!

Eh-heh!

All beefs lead to bloodshed.

This has to stop!

I have nothing to say to this
unseasoned dustbin fire

of a human. Oh...

SHE SLAMS TABLE
Stop it!

My whole life is shit.

I can't rely on anyone at home,

I had to move schools,

they sold my horse.

I was so lonely.

And then I came here...

..and found you guys.

My...

My tribe.

But like so many tribes before us,

we are being decimated

by the forces of capitalism.

And I'm sorry for my white tears.

Don't apologise for crying, Gee!

You're both great teachers.

You actually equip
us for real life.

Sir, you taught me about
the Renaissance...

..and Beyonce's other albums.

Mr Harper,

You taught me how to shotgun a beer.

Guys, I'm sorry for being extra.

I didn't mean to upset you.

Just Mitchell. Yeah.

No hard feelings, eh?

Well, I guess we've just got
to knuckle down and hope that

Hoburn has a change of heart.
Are you man dumb or dumb?

There's only one way you
both get to keep your jobs.

You need to work together to
destroy some other teachers.

Ooh!

J'adore! Bitches unite. Mm-HM!

But who should we
throw to the wolves?

Wait...

You guys thinking what I'm thinking?

Miss, the art teacher
forced us to do this.

When I tell my dad, miss,
he'll be pissed.

This is haram!

MUSIC: Sabotage
by Beastie Boys

Shall I go tell him he's fired?

Bellissimo!

Is that Italian for "nonce"?

I can't believe anyone
could coax this kind of flair

from the mouth-breathers
at Abbey Grove!

Our art department
are working miracles.

THEY SIGH

Miss... The music
teacher is a t'ief.

My man is stealing my bars
that I spit in his lesson.

And he's making money
selling them to big artists.

Mr Redley, who brings in the
most potent egg mayo sandwiches

to save money,
is making a fortune off you?

Tell her Mr Redley has a
very comfortable lifestyle

for a music teacher.

I saw Mr Redley in a German whip

with big rims and some bad Bs

with the fattest bunda
riding dirty in the town centre.

Are you having a stroke?
Nah! Look...

You heard of Ed Sheeran?

Looks like a character you'd see
on the tap of a real ale? Yeah!

His song Galway Girl?

That's my riddim!

I wrote the song Holway Girl
before that ginger prick

bought my lyrics off Sir.

Tell her you'll sue!

I'm Sue.

THEY SIGH

No, I'll sue YOU!

Man's going to make it rain, fam.

Really? Call her bluff!

Miss...

You is buff.

Well, let me speak, then!
Shut up, you never let me finish!

STEPHEN SCREAMS, HE WINCES

It's so rude to have headphones
in when you're talking to someone.

What are you listening to? Nothing!

HE SIGHS

Let me listen.

STEPHEN SQUEAKS

# Got a little rhythm,
a rhythm, a rhythm

# That did a pass
through my brain...

# So darn persistent
the day isn't distant

# But it'll drive me insane... #

I'm impressed. Shh!

Mr Redley is interesting
students to musical theatre.

THEY GIGGLE

Even though this singer is
in completely the wrong key.

Bitch!

Bitch! I beg your pardon?!

STEPHEN GASPS

Pitch.

Yeah. It's in the wrong pitch.

Ah...

Mm!

SOFTLY: I wasn't!

This has been a surprisingly
difficult decision,

given that you both chose
to stage a masterclass

in incompetence this week.

But as only one staff member
needs to go... Ah-ah-ah.

Wait, if you fire one of us...

SIMULTANEOUSLY: Both of us...
We protest. Huh?

I thought I needed a nuclear
option. That's not what we agreed.

The point is, Bernie, if you
fire one of us, both of us quit.

STEPHEN SIGHS

She sacks both of us.

THEY SIGH

But you guys will be
all right without us. Just...

Just remember the
Class K motto, yeah?

Chat shit, get banged.
Not that one.

No bad vibes. Yeah.

Come on, y'all.

Group hug. Get in here.

HE SOBS

HE SIGHS HEAVILY
I'm a goner too.

Fraser?

The school intranet
has become sentient.

It doesn't matter how
many printers I disable,

it's going to get the job
done one way or another.

I've just intercepted
the tail end of WebMD,

which means we're onto websites,
starting with the letter X.

Ooh, that ain't going to be pretty.

Whoever plugs their printer in next

is going to unleash
a tsunami of poonani.

THEY GROAN, RETCH

Oi, sir! That's your chance, man.

# One time, circling the block

# Lil buddy got murdered on a flock

# Two times, you know how we rock

# You know who we knocked on
You know who we socked... #

Miss, Miss, come quick, something
awful's happened in the Maths room.

# Christian Dior, I'm crippin' Bjork

# Made an uh-oh letting
Vince in the door... #

DISTANT CHEERING

We're meant to be going paperless!

Jesus, Mary...

Joseph! Is that a donkey?!

Only...I promise...
I did not print any of this.

I-I-I was just trying
to teach them equations.

He ain't lying, Miss. This page
shows how three goes into one!

HE SNICKERS

This is a criminal offence,
you degenerate!

Pack up your classroom.

MUSIC: Buga (Lo Lo Lo)
By Kizz Daniel & Tekno

SHE GASPS

You guys!

THEY CHEER AND APPLAUD

Better!

Now, because we got the
maths teacher fired,

I have to temporarily
teach you maths, so...!

The basics.

Counting. After me!

A five, six, seven, eight.

THEME SONG PLAYS