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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:08,019 --> 00:00:10,046 So, I sacked the PE teacher again. 2 00:00:10,047 --> 00:00:13,791 After last year's dead heat at the sports day, I told him 3 00:00:13,864 --> 00:00:15,252 to install camera technology. 4 00:00:15,328 --> 00:00:19,895 Sadly he misunderstood the phrase "photo finish". A line was crossed. 5 00:00:19,896 --> 00:00:23,792 Anyhoos, this year's sports day is but upon us and... 6 00:00:23,807 --> 00:00:25,719 No way, never going to happen, not doing it. 7 00:00:25,758 --> 00:00:28,734 Calm down, dear, it's not you. 8 00:00:28,735 --> 00:00:31,955 Now, don't overreact but it's time to meet Abbey Grove's new PE 9 00:00:31,962 --> 00:00:35,914 teacher, Mr Preet van der Plessis. 10 00:00:44,990 --> 00:00:47,901 Hush, hush, moffie, 11 00:00:47,902 --> 00:00:50,974 Daddy's bought you some white chocolate from his trip to prison. 12 00:01:21,914 --> 00:01:23,997 You can't employ him, he's a psychopath! 13 00:01:23,998 --> 00:01:29,614 Here, chummy, I hold my hand up, yah, I make mistakes but I've changed. 14 00:01:29,714 --> 00:01:31,538 He attacked me with a riot baton. 15 00:01:31,583 --> 00:01:33,263 That's Preet's way of saying, "I love you," 16 00:01:33,288 --> 00:01:36,100 and I've got a couple of broken ribs to prove it. 17 00:01:36,101 --> 00:01:37,168 Plus he's very cheap. 18 00:01:37,169 --> 00:01:39,100 There! 19 00:01:39,101 --> 00:01:41,673 TIA. Oh, I've missed this stumpy pecker. 20 00:01:41,747 --> 00:01:44,743 You still smoking the bars, yeah? No, I'm messing, scappy. 21 00:01:44,943 --> 00:01:45,746 Urgh! Ow! 22 00:01:45,747 --> 00:01:47,543 Classic Preet! 23 00:01:47,743 --> 00:01:51,706 Look, Alf, yes, he may have assaulted you and, yes, that may have 24 00:01:51,707 --> 00:01:55,671 resulted in a teeny prison stretch, but he's had extensive anger 25 00:01:55,672 --> 00:01:58,727 management, art therapy. You couldn't meet a more stable guy. 26 00:01:58,927 --> 00:02:00,003 Boo! 27 00:02:00,020 --> 00:02:01,647 That therapy's worked a treat. 28 00:02:01,747 --> 00:02:04,750 Yeah, I watched that movie, Mandela. I only laughed once. 29 00:02:04,751 --> 00:02:06,367 Well, maybe. 30 00:02:06,425 --> 00:02:08,461 Oh, when he gets sentenced, his face. 31 00:02:09,469 --> 00:02:10,297 Priceless. 32 00:02:10,497 --> 00:02:12,453 Look, Alfie, Preet's lost his job, 33 00:02:12,454 --> 00:02:15,448 it turns out my gym doesn't employ anyone with a criminal record. 34 00:02:15,449 --> 00:02:16,297 Neither do schools! 35 00:02:16,497 --> 00:02:20,424 Not this school. I believe everyone deserves a second chance. 36 00:02:20,425 --> 00:02:22,436 Who wants to celebrate with some khat? 37 00:02:22,437 --> 00:02:25,501 It's like bay leaf, only it's also an amphetamine. 38 00:02:26,517 --> 00:02:29,425 Everyone deserves a third chance. 39 00:02:37,513 --> 00:02:40,440 Right, sports day, you know the drill. 40 00:02:40,441 --> 00:02:42,472 Sir draws our events out of a hat. That way 41 00:02:42,473 --> 00:02:44,428 the humiliation's at random. 42 00:02:44,429 --> 00:02:48,444 OK. Andre, egg-and-spoon race. Raj, 800 metres. 43 00:02:48,445 --> 00:02:50,441 Rem Dogg... 44 00:02:51,517 --> 00:02:53,452 ..wheelbarrow race. 45 00:02:53,453 --> 00:02:56,420 Boom! Third year in a row. 46 00:02:56,421 --> 00:02:59,484 What a convenient coincidence. Stephen... sack race. 47 00:02:59,485 --> 00:03:03,456 I am not wearing a sack in public. Please let me customise it, sir. 48 00:03:03,457 --> 00:03:06,420 Fine, whatever. Er, Chantelle, three-legged race. 49 00:03:06,421 --> 00:03:08,428 You know all about that, tripod. 50 00:03:08,429 --> 00:03:09,484 Cleo. 51 00:03:09,485 --> 00:03:11,512 I ain't doing no bait sports day. 100-metre dash. 52 00:03:11,513 --> 00:03:14,420 What, cos I'm black you think I can sprint? 53 00:03:14,421 --> 00:03:16,432 What? No, it's all random. 54 00:03:16,433 --> 00:03:20,464 Why don't you just make me run with a boom box or put a bargain bucket on the finishing line? Oh, God! 55 00:03:20,465 --> 00:03:23,448 Oh, sorry, ain't there a bobsleigh team? 56 00:03:23,449 --> 00:03:25,440 You can sit this one out. Correct! 57 00:03:25,441 --> 00:03:28,436 I'm out, too. I'm covering sports day for the school's newspaper. 58 00:03:28,437 --> 00:03:30,436 Did you guys read my latest edition? 59 00:03:30,437 --> 00:03:32,496 It's just a bit dry, babe. 60 00:03:32,497 --> 00:03:34,496 Dry but very absorbent. 61 00:03:34,497 --> 00:03:38,440 You need to give the readers what they want - sex, scandal and Kimye. 62 00:03:38,441 --> 00:03:40,484 You want a scandal. I heard Melanie Chubb, right, 63 00:03:40,485 --> 00:03:43,472 went to the toilet and accidentally wiped her fanny with her dress! 64 00:03:43,473 --> 00:03:46,492 OMG, drams give me dates! God help me. 65 00:03:46,493 --> 00:03:49,460 We're all in the gutter, Jing, but some of us 66 00:03:49,461 --> 00:03:52,500 are looking up the miniskirts of the stars! 67 00:03:52,501 --> 00:03:54,473 Alfie, can I have a quick word? 68 00:03:56,489 --> 00:03:59,440 Look, I just wanted to tell you something 69 00:03:59,441 --> 00:04:01,561 because I didn't want you to hear it from anyone else. 70 00:04:01,586 --> 00:04:05,468 You're sleeping with Richard, aren't you? You're in love with him, you're going to get married! 71 00:04:05,469 --> 00:04:08,432 I just wanted to tell you that Richard's coming to sports day. 72 00:04:08,433 --> 00:04:11,432 Why? What event's he doing? The race to get his affairs in order? 73 00:04:11,433 --> 00:04:14,460 St Mark's Ambulance do our first aid and Richard volunteers for them. 74 00:04:14,461 --> 00:04:17,484 Are you sure? Maybe he just keeps being brought home in an ambulance! 75 00:04:17,485 --> 00:04:20,476 He's saying your boyfriend's a scrotum-faced old buttfucker! 76 00:04:20,477 --> 00:04:22,432 Would you please stop doing that? 77 00:04:22,433 --> 00:04:24,472 For the last time, Richard is not my boyfriend! 78 00:04:24,473 --> 00:04:27,428 That man is a coiled serpent waiting to spring. 79 00:04:27,429 --> 00:04:31,464 The little prawn prince doesn't want this cock-frocking junkie at sports day. 80 00:04:31,465 --> 00:04:34,440 But never fear, for I'm trained in first aid, too. 81 00:04:34,441 --> 00:04:36,496 Stand Richard down, Preet's got it covered. 82 00:04:36,497 --> 00:04:40,513 Yeah, in prison I sucked the shank out of a warden's neck. 83 00:04:42,465 --> 00:04:45,445 Maybe let's keep Richard as Plan A. 84 00:04:47,513 --> 00:04:51,436 Hey, I thought you were sticking it to stick it in the bokkie. 85 00:04:51,437 --> 00:04:52,456 We're on a break. 86 00:04:52,457 --> 00:04:56,424 Oh. Fuck the fuck. Uh, mongrels off the leash, eh? 87 00:04:56,425 --> 00:04:58,496 Maybe tonight we should hit up a few Stellenbraus. 88 00:04:58,497 --> 00:05:01,444 Lock and load, go on the hunt for cooch. 89 00:05:01,445 --> 00:05:03,437 Yeah, never going to happen. 90 00:05:06,465 --> 00:05:07,512 Oh! 91 00:05:07,513 --> 00:05:09,512 Why are you wet? 92 00:05:09,513 --> 00:05:13,424 I don't fit in my locker anymore so Grayson lubed me. 93 00:05:13,425 --> 00:05:16,420 Lube helps, sir, if you're trying to squeeze into something small. 94 00:05:16,421 --> 00:05:19,061 Yes, thank you, Chantelle, I know what lubricant is. I was in there 95 00:05:19,086 --> 00:05:21,460 for an hour. Thank God I keep it well stocked with snacks. 96 00:05:21,461 --> 00:05:22,661 That may be why you don't fit. 97 00:05:22,686 --> 00:05:26,448 Grayson will keep giving you shit till you slap him down. Girlfriend's got a point. 98 00:05:26,449 --> 00:05:28,452 Don't ever call me "girlfriend" again. Noted! 99 00:05:28,453 --> 00:05:31,468 You should use sports day to put him in his place. This is your chance to 100 00:05:31,469 --> 00:05:34,440 take Grayson down in front of the whole school. Everyone loves 101 00:05:34,441 --> 00:05:36,480 an underdog. I can picture the headlines. 102 00:05:36,481 --> 00:05:38,432 Jing's right. 103 00:05:38,433 --> 00:05:41,436 This is your perfect chance to beat Grayson at... the hurdles! 104 00:05:41,437 --> 00:05:42,504 Maybe not. 105 00:05:42,505 --> 00:05:44,428 Kill me. 106 00:05:44,429 --> 00:05:45,452 Hash-tag light bulb. 107 00:05:45,453 --> 00:05:48,496 That old guy that tried to attach on to Miss G is going to sports day, right? 108 00:05:48,497 --> 00:05:51,500 Why don't you challenge him? Show Miss G what she's missing. 109 00:05:51,501 --> 00:05:53,444 That is a brilliant idea. 110 00:05:53,445 --> 00:05:55,845 Challenge him at what? You're even slower and weaker than me. 111 00:05:55,870 --> 00:05:58,452 Isn't it obvious? Good old-fashioned dance-off. 112 00:05:58,453 --> 00:06:00,480 I can bust a few moves out of my hip-hop locker. 113 00:06:00,481 --> 00:06:03,464 Your hip-hop moves are about this far from a race crime. 114 00:06:03,465 --> 00:06:05,440 What you talking about? 115 00:06:05,441 --> 00:06:07,488 # I ain't saying she a gold digger 116 00:06:07,489 --> 00:06:10,429 ♪ but I ain't messing with no bro... ♪ 117 00:06:10,629 --> 00:06:12,492 Man of Afro-Caribbean origin. 118 00:06:12,493 --> 00:06:17,424 What about a teacher and parent race? Perfect! 119 00:06:17,425 --> 00:06:19,476 Well, I guess we'll have to hit the gym. 120 00:06:19,477 --> 00:06:21,468 We? Well, I can't do this on my own. 121 00:06:21,469 --> 00:06:25,504 Look, guys, I know historically we've never done well at sports day but this is the last one ever. 122 00:06:25,505 --> 00:06:30,465 Wouldn't it be great, just once, to taste the sweet nectar of glory? 123 00:06:33,465 --> 00:06:35,452 You know how this plays out. 124 00:06:35,453 --> 00:06:36,533 OK, I'll buy you a Nando's. 125 00:06:38,473 --> 00:06:40,484 Three, two... 126 00:06:40,485 --> 00:06:42,476 Preet! 127 00:06:42,477 --> 00:06:45,428 Hello, moffie. My first PE lesson. 128 00:06:45,429 --> 00:06:47,500 I'm breaking these little bokkie tots in gently. 129 00:06:47,501 --> 00:06:50,509 What are you playing? It, stuck in the mud? Hunger Games. 130 00:06:52,509 --> 00:06:56,484 Cool! Um, look, you used to be a personal trainer, right? 131 00:06:56,485 --> 00:06:58,480 Yeah, until the gym fired me. 132 00:06:58,481 --> 00:07:01,432 They didn't like me trying to segregate customers. 133 00:07:01,433 --> 00:07:02,673 Actually, I'm with you on that. 134 00:07:02,698 --> 00:07:05,444 I way prefer gyms where the men's and women's bits separate, 135 00:07:05,445 --> 00:07:06,500 less intimidating, eh? 136 00:07:06,501 --> 00:07:08,440 I didn't divide them by gender. 137 00:07:08,441 --> 00:07:09,488 Right. 138 00:07:09,489 --> 00:07:12,436 Um, look, I need you to put me 139 00:07:12,437 --> 00:07:14,476 and my class on a crash course before sports day. 140 00:07:14,477 --> 00:07:16,424 Ha! 141 00:07:16,425 --> 00:07:17,496 But you're just a child. 142 00:07:17,497 --> 00:07:20,436 I could smell your mother's milk on your breath. 143 00:07:20,437 --> 00:07:22,477 You're not ready to spar with Preet van der Plessis. 144 00:07:22,502 --> 00:07:25,466 I don't want to fight you, I just want some training. 145 00:07:28,441 --> 00:07:31,460 If you place yourself in my hands, I will push you to the 146 00:07:31,461 --> 00:07:33,508 limits of human endurance. 147 00:07:33,509 --> 00:07:37,456 I will take you to a world of pain that can change a man for ever. 148 00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:39,496 Put the fire of Africa in your yum-yums! 149 00:07:39,497 --> 00:07:43,496 So ask yourself one question, moffie, are you ready 150 00:07:43,497 --> 00:07:45,484 for the Preet heat? 151 00:07:45,485 --> 00:07:51,421 Yeah. Could you, er, un-cup me now? 152 00:07:53,425 --> 00:07:54,501 Ah! 153 00:08:00,505 --> 00:08:05,492 Body's a temple, time to sacrifice some carbs to the Bud-god. 154 00:08:05,493 --> 00:08:08,484 Bird's got to keep that cracking little toosh in trim, eh? 155 00:08:08,485 --> 00:08:11,464 Bit much. Protein shake, anyone? 156 00:08:11,465 --> 00:08:12,500 What flavour? 157 00:08:12,501 --> 00:08:14,468 Banana! 158 00:08:14,469 --> 00:08:17,436 Hey, try mine, it's got shavings of real ivory, 159 00:08:17,437 --> 00:08:19,500 gives you purchase balls. 160 00:08:19,501 --> 00:08:21,456 No, thank you. 161 00:08:21,457 --> 00:08:23,468 Why are you drinking a protein shake? 162 00:08:23,469 --> 00:08:27,424 Getting ready for the parents and teachers race at sports day. 163 00:08:27,425 --> 00:08:30,444 Er, one question - can I do it in my fun-run fancy dress? OK. Yes! 164 00:08:30,445 --> 00:08:36,428 Anyone can enter - parents, teachers, medics, young, old, basically dead. 165 00:08:36,429 --> 00:08:40,456 Oh! I can invite Richard. How do I get in contact with someone like him? 166 00:08:40,457 --> 00:08:42,480 Morse code, pigeon... seance? 167 00:08:42,481 --> 00:08:45,464 You know what, I'm sure he'll jump at the opportunity. 168 00:08:45,465 --> 00:08:47,508 Please, probably hasn't jumped since Hammer Time. 169 00:08:47,509 --> 00:08:49,496 Hey, can't touch this. 170 00:08:49,497 --> 00:08:50,500 Skeletal. 171 00:08:50,501 --> 00:08:55,448 Oh, and just so you know, Richard used to sprint for his university. 172 00:08:55,449 --> 00:08:59,436 Babe, you have no idea how quick I am over the finish line. 173 00:08:59,437 --> 00:09:00,504 Oh, I think I do. 174 00:09:00,505 --> 00:09:03,484 Alf, could you really beat Richard? 175 00:09:03,485 --> 00:09:05,500 Well, she said that he was a sprinter, 176 00:09:05,501 --> 00:09:08,492 so let's make it an endurance event. 177 00:09:08,493 --> 00:09:11,468 You got it, Wikus, I'll design it myself. 178 00:09:11,469 --> 00:09:13,488 I'll call it "the Master Race". 179 00:09:13,489 --> 00:09:15,472 We probably won't. 180 00:09:15,473 --> 00:09:17,432 The old gang back together, eh? 181 00:09:17,433 --> 00:09:19,452 The boys, the lads, the lady-killers. 182 00:09:19,453 --> 00:09:22,421 Never proven. Come, moffie, I wish to make you sweat. 183 00:09:28,485 --> 00:09:30,476 Right, I've found a brown leather 184 00:09:30,477 --> 00:09:33,500 Moby clutch on net-a-porter.com. At a push it works with the sackcloth. 185 00:09:33,501 --> 00:09:36,468 Have you read the newspaper yet? I can't believe it! 186 00:09:36,469 --> 00:09:39,444 Steroids. Jing, is this for real? 187 00:09:39,445 --> 00:09:41,488 Yep, someone at the school's been taking steroids. 188 00:09:41,489 --> 00:09:44,456 We'll be publishing exclusives all week. 189 00:09:44,457 --> 00:09:46,428 Maybe I should get some steroids. 190 00:09:46,429 --> 00:09:48,500 Joe, you don't need steroids, Preet's training us. 191 00:09:48,501 --> 00:09:51,484 Uh! I can't believe they let that psycho back in 'ere. 192 00:09:51,485 --> 00:09:52,516 He's not a psycho. 193 00:09:52,517 --> 00:09:57,480 Preet's had something called "art therapy", it's really mellowed him. 194 00:09:57,481 --> 00:10:00,460 Listen up, you scrawny, pimple-necked, 195 00:10:00,461 --> 00:10:02,461 cat-wracking pieces of shit! 196 00:10:03,465 --> 00:10:04,508 Preet? 197 00:10:04,509 --> 00:10:07,464 Sorry. 198 00:10:07,465 --> 00:10:10,513 ♪ Hi-de-hi, kinderbok, I'm Uncle Preet. ♪ 199 00:10:10,713 --> 00:10:12,500 He's scary when he's being nice. 200 00:10:12,501 --> 00:10:14,477 On your feet. 201 00:10:23,425 --> 00:10:27,452 Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. Non-regulation socks. 202 00:10:27,453 --> 00:10:29,508 So, I don't have white socks, big deal! 203 00:10:29,509 --> 00:10:32,488 Do you know what happens when you mix whites and coloureds? 204 00:10:32,489 --> 00:10:34,480 It ruins your wash? 205 00:10:34,481 --> 00:10:36,432 Society crumbles! 206 00:10:36,433 --> 00:10:40,492 Er, this is all I had. You have broken the ancient code of physical education, you know the punishment! 207 00:10:40,493 --> 00:10:42,508 Can I remind you I am a teacher? 208 00:10:42,509 --> 00:10:44,493 Do you want me to train you or not? 209 00:10:47,437 --> 00:10:48,488 Yes. 210 00:10:48,489 --> 00:10:50,437 Let's dance. 211 00:11:11,441 --> 00:11:12,457 Whoa! 212 00:11:14,501 --> 00:11:16,441 Yah! 213 00:11:17,465 --> 00:11:19,485 Whoa! 214 00:11:25,509 --> 00:11:26,517 Whoa! 215 00:11:31,513 --> 00:11:35,420 Urgh! Oh! 216 00:11:35,421 --> 00:11:38,504 I'll never beat Grayson, he hurdles for the school team. 217 00:11:38,505 --> 00:11:41,468 Joe, you've got an Olympic record. 218 00:11:41,469 --> 00:11:44,504 I'm the fastest under-18 to finish the Little Chef Olympic Breakfast. 219 00:11:44,505 --> 00:11:47,472 That's part of the problem, not the solution. 220 00:11:47,473 --> 00:11:49,424 Bullshit. 221 00:11:49,425 --> 00:11:51,436 Joe, you have got the hunger. 222 00:11:51,437 --> 00:11:54,424 When you see a barrier, you don't stop, you power on through. 223 00:11:54,425 --> 00:11:57,432 Great, but aren't I supposed to be jumping over the barriers? 224 00:11:57,433 --> 00:11:59,436 What are you doing? 225 00:11:59,437 --> 00:12:00,517 Oh, just er, fixing up this 226 00:12:00,542 --> 00:12:03,512 bad boy so I can teach and burn at the same time. 227 00:12:03,513 --> 00:12:06,468 Alfie, I know you're hurting, but losing to 228 00:12:06,469 --> 00:12:09,472 Richard in front of everyone is only going to make things worse. 229 00:12:09,473 --> 00:12:11,504 Huh, me lose to Richard? Please. 230 00:12:11,505 --> 00:12:14,460 Name one thing he's got that I haven't? 231 00:12:14,461 --> 00:12:17,420 Sensitivity, maturity, charm. 232 00:12:17,421 --> 00:12:19,432 Yeah, but I said one thing, not three. 233 00:12:19,433 --> 00:12:22,424 And, anyway, at least I'm biodegradable. 234 00:12:22,425 --> 00:12:25,504 Yeah, his plastic hips ain't going to be decomposing any time soon. 235 00:12:25,505 --> 00:12:30,444 Now, if you'd kindly vamoose from the artist's studio, 236 00:12:30,445 --> 00:12:33,452 I have got a body to sculpt. 237 00:12:33,453 --> 00:12:35,445 Ow! 238 00:12:36,449 --> 00:12:38,456 See you later, Michelangelo. 239 00:12:38,457 --> 00:12:41,477 I think I've broken me coccyx. 240 00:13:03,461 --> 00:13:06,440 If you have a thirst for the crease, you can always 241 00:13:06,441 --> 00:13:09,516 play for my village team. I bet you can still trouble a boundary, eh, eh? 242 00:13:09,517 --> 00:13:12,420 Have you been talking to my ex-wife? 243 00:13:12,421 --> 00:13:13,481 Which one? 244 00:13:15,429 --> 00:13:16,516 Ah, smoocher, come perch. 245 00:13:16,517 --> 00:13:21,420 We were just chin-wagging about the pick and pock of leather on willow. 246 00:13:21,421 --> 00:13:23,476 Sorry, I don't speak Last Of The Summer Wine. 247 00:13:23,477 --> 00:13:24,557 We share a love of cricket. 248 00:13:24,582 --> 00:13:28,516 Rosie informs me that my presence is requested at the adults' race. 249 00:13:28,517 --> 00:13:31,508 Yeah, Richard and you better bring your A-game, mate. 250 00:13:31,509 --> 00:13:34,476 Absolutely, but in the words of the Greek philosopher, 251 00:13:34,477 --> 00:13:37,492 Epictetus, it is not the winning but the taking part which counts. 252 00:13:37,493 --> 00:13:41,472 Well, in the words of Alfie Wickers, I hope your silly little ambulance 253 00:13:41,473 --> 00:13:45,421 has got room for both your assholes, cos I'm going to tear you a new one. 254 00:13:46,477 --> 00:13:50,468 Brilliant. A new asshole, I, must remember that one for bridge club. 255 00:13:50,469 --> 00:13:53,481 You play bridge as well? Which discipline? Rubber. 256 00:13:55,449 --> 00:13:58,496 Next you'll be telling me you go to Bang Bang's Massage Parlour 257 00:13:58,497 --> 00:14:00,452 in Tring with the nice Thai ladies. 258 00:14:00,453 --> 00:14:02,424 No, no, I... Right, you, here. 259 00:14:02,425 --> 00:14:04,500 What the hell was all that about? 260 00:14:04,501 --> 00:14:07,428 Why are you being so friendly with Richard? 261 00:14:07,429 --> 00:14:08,669 Richard, what's wrong with him? 262 00:14:08,694 --> 00:14:13,420 What, you mean other than the fact that he's trying to shag my girlfriend? Yes. 263 00:14:13,421 --> 00:14:15,484 # What's that coming over the hill, is it a monster? 264 00:14:15,485 --> 00:14:17,437 ♪ Is it a monster? ♪ 265 00:14:18,509 --> 00:14:20,452 Jesus Christ! 266 00:14:20,453 --> 00:14:21,476 Great costume, chap. 267 00:14:21,477 --> 00:14:25,496 And I like yours, too, weird, old, random bus conductor man. 268 00:14:25,497 --> 00:14:28,472 Oh, God, sorry, I haven't introduced you. 269 00:14:28,473 --> 00:14:31,516 Fraser, this is my... A privilege to finally meet your father. 270 00:14:31,517 --> 00:14:34,464 Rosie talks about her old man non-stop. 271 00:14:34,465 --> 00:14:35,516 No, Fraser, this... 272 00:14:35,517 --> 00:14:37,504 But where's Mrs Gulliver? Preet! 273 00:14:37,505 --> 00:14:39,492 Come and meet Rosie's dad! 274 00:14:39,493 --> 00:14:43,452 Hello there, you old fat fecker. Stukkie's a very confident lady. 275 00:14:43,453 --> 00:14:45,484 We were a little... belt-shy, bro? 276 00:14:45,485 --> 00:14:48,440 Er, actually, I'm not Rosie's pater. 277 00:14:48,441 --> 00:14:53,489 This is Richard, my... friend! 278 00:15:00,505 --> 00:15:04,424 Did I tell you I'm entering the mothers' sack race? 279 00:15:04,425 --> 00:15:06,460 Oh, not this joke. Every year. 280 00:15:06,461 --> 00:15:08,517 Got to get one of those hot mammas into the sack. 281 00:15:10,489 --> 00:15:13,501 Come, I have a surprise for you. 282 00:15:19,453 --> 00:15:23,444 Right, Preet, when I said obstacles I meant, like, a few hurdles. 283 00:15:23,445 --> 00:15:25,504 The most brutal obstacle course known to man. 284 00:15:25,505 --> 00:15:28,480 And I've got a truckload of attack dogs coming, too. 285 00:15:28,481 --> 00:15:29,484 Attack dogs? 286 00:15:29,485 --> 00:15:34,460 And how do you plan to control a pack of attack dogs with children? 287 00:15:34,461 --> 00:15:37,492 You've got a tranquiliser gun. Of course you do. 288 00:15:37,493 --> 00:15:41,468 Um, is, is that legal? It's a grey area. 289 00:15:41,469 --> 00:15:44,496 Decapaccini, that cat guzzling old goat will faint just 290 00:15:44,497 --> 00:15:46,468 looking at this. 291 00:15:46,469 --> 00:15:49,452 Or my name's not Preet Cornelius Hennyhenwig, Hoitetoit, 292 00:15:49,453 --> 00:15:53,420 Goosenhousen, Tabactablanche, Vestavesen, Voota van der Plessis. 293 00:15:53,421 --> 00:15:55,488 Yeah, I mean I, I wanted to test his endurance 294 00:15:55,489 --> 00:15:57,468 but this could actually kill me. 295 00:15:57,469 --> 00:16:00,460 As I told my cell mate the night I tattooed his back with biro ink 296 00:16:00,461 --> 00:16:04,484 and a red hot needle, pain is temporary, glory is for ever. 297 00:16:04,485 --> 00:16:07,448 TIA, bro. This is Africa! 298 00:16:07,449 --> 00:16:10,469 TIT, this is Tring. 299 00:16:14,425 --> 00:16:15,484 On your marks! 300 00:16:15,485 --> 00:16:17,432 Go on, Chantelle! 301 00:16:17,433 --> 00:16:20,424 Get set! Right, if you help me win this I'll let you touch me tit. 302 00:16:20,425 --> 00:16:21,501 Go! 303 00:16:34,481 --> 00:16:37,464 On your marks, get set... 304 00:16:37,465 --> 00:16:38,509 Go! 305 00:16:58,437 --> 00:16:59,501 Go, Stephen! 306 00:17:03,473 --> 00:17:06,424 Shit, that boy can work it. 307 00:17:06,425 --> 00:17:08,497 Yeah, I suspect he may be disqualified. 308 00:17:12,453 --> 00:17:13,516 Shamazing! 309 00:17:13,517 --> 00:17:16,456 Joe! 310 00:17:16,457 --> 00:17:19,432 There you are, buddy. 311 00:17:19,433 --> 00:17:22,464 Come on, it's time for the hurdles. I don't want to do it. 312 00:17:22,465 --> 00:17:25,464 I'll never beat Grayson, this was a stupid idea. 313 00:17:25,465 --> 00:17:29,428 But the Olympic breakfast. Forget the breakfast, Alfie. 314 00:17:29,429 --> 00:17:32,504 Joe, remember what I said? When you hit a barrier, you don't stop, 315 00:17:32,505 --> 00:17:34,476 you power on through. 316 00:17:34,477 --> 00:17:37,420 That's how you're going to beat Grayson. That... 317 00:17:37,421 --> 00:17:39,428 and by making sure you run in lane three. 318 00:17:39,429 --> 00:17:40,472 I don't get it. 319 00:17:40,473 --> 00:17:41,516 Just trust me. 320 00:17:41,517 --> 00:17:45,505 Shut your eyes and run like the time you got the shits on the Cutty Sark. 321 00:17:50,465 --> 00:17:54,425 "To Joe, good luck, Grayson." 322 00:17:57,429 --> 00:17:58,485 Get down! 323 00:18:06,489 --> 00:18:09,452 All right, Shrek? 324 00:18:09,453 --> 00:18:12,493 Smile for the camera, this shit's going on Roo Tube. 325 00:18:15,517 --> 00:18:19,420 He looks... angry. 326 00:18:19,421 --> 00:18:22,497 On your marks, get set, go! 327 00:18:33,465 --> 00:18:36,444 I think I know who's been taking them steroids in. 328 00:18:36,445 --> 00:18:39,477 Joe's not on steroids. I weakened his hurdles. 329 00:18:51,501 --> 00:18:55,480 Joe! You can stop now! 330 00:18:55,481 --> 00:18:57,488 He'll tire himself out. 331 00:18:57,489 --> 00:18:59,497 Eventually. 332 00:19:01,441 --> 00:19:02,473 Joe! 333 00:19:06,453 --> 00:19:08,440 Ladies and gentlemen, 334 00:19:08,441 --> 00:19:11,428 the parent-and-teacher race will commence in ten minutes. 335 00:19:11,429 --> 00:19:12,472 Thanky-doodle-do. 336 00:19:12,473 --> 00:19:14,456 Good luck, mate, going to need it. 337 00:19:14,457 --> 00:19:16,464 Oh, don't be too cocky, young swain. 338 00:19:16,465 --> 00:19:20,452 Remember I have a secret weapon, consilium. 339 00:19:20,453 --> 00:19:21,516 What the hell is that? 340 00:19:21,517 --> 00:19:23,493 You'll find out. 341 00:19:28,505 --> 00:19:30,508 He said it to my face, Jing. 342 00:19:30,509 --> 00:19:33,476 He's got a secret weapon that's going to help him win. 343 00:19:33,477 --> 00:19:35,480 Yeah, but what's consilium? 344 00:19:35,481 --> 00:19:37,496 Um, what does it sound like? A drug. 345 00:19:37,497 --> 00:19:39,476 Now where's his bag? 346 00:19:39,477 --> 00:19:41,456 I'm not sure about this, sir. 347 00:19:41,457 --> 00:19:43,504 Your steroid story, he's the cheat! 348 00:19:43,505 --> 00:19:46,508 It all makes sense, a medic with access to drugs. 349 00:19:46,509 --> 00:19:49,496 That's why Rosie's so confident he's going to win, 350 00:19:49,497 --> 00:19:51,488 she knows he's on this consilium. 351 00:19:51,489 --> 00:19:54,424 Ah! 352 00:19:54,425 --> 00:19:56,585 Talcum powder, Wisden, Y-fronts the colour of weak tea, 353 00:19:56,610 --> 00:19:58,496 this is Richard's bag. 354 00:19:58,497 --> 00:20:01,428 Sir, the steroid story's not entirely true. 355 00:20:01,429 --> 00:20:04,436 Bingo! The roidy bastard! 356 00:20:04,437 --> 00:20:07,440 But how? I made the story up. 357 00:20:07,441 --> 00:20:11,480 You lied in print and you want to become a journalist. Jing. 358 00:20:11,481 --> 00:20:13,452 Well. 359 00:20:13,453 --> 00:20:16,444 Now you've got all the evidence you need, take him down. 360 00:20:16,445 --> 00:20:18,424 But what about you? 361 00:20:18,425 --> 00:20:20,428 You won't beat him if he's on steroids. 362 00:20:20,429 --> 00:20:21,469 If you can't beat 'em... 363 00:20:25,473 --> 00:20:30,448 Now, go, Jing, and remember, the truth and nothing but the truth. 364 00:20:30,449 --> 00:20:34,445 Although, obviously, don't mention that I took the steroids as well. 365 00:20:47,465 --> 00:20:53,452 Naughty moffie, caught with your hand in the Biltong jar! 366 00:20:53,453 --> 00:20:54,512 Preet, what the hell? 367 00:20:54,513 --> 00:20:58,492 If Pistorius taught me one thing, it's shit with the door open. 368 00:20:58,493 --> 00:21:01,464 Right, I'm just... Oh, God. 369 00:21:01,465 --> 00:21:04,496 Don't worry, moffie, your secret's safe with me. 370 00:21:04,497 --> 00:21:07,472 Yeah, well, there's no secret, cos I wasn't actually doing anything. 371 00:21:07,473 --> 00:21:10,452 Two men share a secret, it binds them together, 372 00:21:10,453 --> 00:21:12,501 entwining them into one beating heart. 373 00:21:15,469 --> 00:21:17,448 You going to have a wipe of that? 374 00:21:17,449 --> 00:21:21,444 First month in prison, I hated you for what you did to me. 375 00:21:21,445 --> 00:21:23,496 To be fair, you attacked me. 376 00:21:23,497 --> 00:21:26,496 Every night I dreamt of turning your jib-jabs into drills. 377 00:21:26,497 --> 00:21:28,468 A bit close. 378 00:21:28,469 --> 00:21:30,517 But then I began my course of art therapy. 379 00:21:33,441 --> 00:21:35,424 Would you like to see my sketches? 380 00:21:35,425 --> 00:21:36,501 Not really. 381 00:21:41,465 --> 00:21:44,465 Oh, look, it's me. 382 00:21:46,457 --> 00:21:48,485 Oh, Jesus Christ! 383 00:21:50,425 --> 00:21:52,508 Oh, you have been busy. 384 00:21:52,509 --> 00:21:55,460 Feel free to stop at any... 385 00:21:55,461 --> 00:21:58,517 Ooh! So much detail. 386 00:22:00,469 --> 00:22:04,440 Oh, my God, don't know where I end and you begin. 387 00:22:04,441 --> 00:22:08,472 Slowly I discovered there is only one thing stronger than hate. 388 00:22:08,473 --> 00:22:10,452 Please don't say "love". 389 00:22:10,453 --> 00:22:12,428 Tattoos. 390 00:22:12,429 --> 00:22:13,480 Me again! 391 00:22:13,481 --> 00:22:16,516 My cell-mate, Hilary, chewed through an entire khat bush to numb the pain. 392 00:22:16,517 --> 00:22:20,512 Yeah, why has your cell-mate got my face tattooed onto his back? 393 00:22:20,513 --> 00:22:25,484 OK, I've just worked that one out for myself. 394 00:22:25,485 --> 00:22:31,424 Preet, um, I like you but I don't "like you" like you. 395 00:22:31,425 --> 00:22:35,516 Do you know what happens when you break a lion's heart? 396 00:22:35,517 --> 00:22:39,465 Does it go to live with a warthog and a meerkat? 397 00:22:40,513 --> 00:22:43,476 I will devour you, moffie, as sure as my name is 398 00:22:43,477 --> 00:22:46,516 Preet Cornelius Hennyhenwig, Hoitetoit, Goosen... 399 00:22:46,517 --> 00:22:48,472 Er, got it. 400 00:22:48,473 --> 00:22:50,485 Alfie, it's time. 401 00:22:52,513 --> 00:22:54,508 I'll just tiptoe out. 402 00:22:54,509 --> 00:22:57,420 No, wait for me! 403 00:22:57,421 --> 00:22:58,441 Moffie! 404 00:23:01,453 --> 00:23:02,516 Good luck. 405 00:23:02,517 --> 00:23:04,460 Carpe diem. 406 00:23:04,461 --> 00:23:06,512 Pfft, you're going to need more than luck, mate, 407 00:23:06,513 --> 00:23:10,420 now I've got my hands on some of your precious consilium. 408 00:23:10,421 --> 00:23:11,492 Yeah, that's right sucker. 409 00:23:11,493 --> 00:23:13,444 So you are a classicist? 410 00:23:13,445 --> 00:23:15,440 What are you talking about? 411 00:23:15,441 --> 00:23:18,464 Consilium, Latin for wisdom. My secret weapon, old boy. 412 00:23:18,465 --> 00:23:20,424 Yeah, pull the other one, Farage. 413 00:23:20,425 --> 00:23:22,432 I'm talking about these. 414 00:23:22,433 --> 00:23:24,428 And don't you worry. 415 00:23:24,429 --> 00:23:25,709 I've levelled the playing field. 416 00:23:25,734 --> 00:23:27,428 Oh, crikey, yes, er... 417 00:23:27,429 --> 00:23:29,424 It's all very embarrassing. 418 00:23:29,425 --> 00:23:32,428 Yes, well, you see, at my age, er, one, one sometimes, er, 419 00:23:32,429 --> 00:23:35,424 not always, but sometimes one, one feels the need for, er, 420 00:23:35,425 --> 00:23:39,480 a little help in, in the, in the bedroom department. 421 00:23:39,481 --> 00:23:41,464 What are you banging on about? 422 00:23:41,465 --> 00:23:43,452 Viagra. 423 00:23:43,453 --> 00:23:44,484 What? 424 00:23:44,485 --> 00:23:46,468 Viagra. Viagra?! 425 00:23:46,469 --> 00:23:48,424 Sh! Yes. 426 00:23:48,425 --> 00:23:50,500 Wait, sorry, why would you need Viagra? 427 00:23:50,501 --> 00:23:53,448 Well, Rosie and I are... 428 00:23:53,449 --> 00:23:55,464 Friends! 429 00:23:55,465 --> 00:23:57,488 Yes, but plan for success, prepare for failure. 430 00:23:57,489 --> 00:24:00,444 Rosie and I might become friends with benefits. 431 00:24:00,445 --> 00:24:01,488 Ugh! 432 00:24:01,489 --> 00:24:04,432 Ugh, for using the phrase "friends with benefits". 433 00:24:04,433 --> 00:24:07,480 Ugh, for betraying Rosie's trust and trying to shag my girlfriend, 434 00:24:07,481 --> 00:24:09,492 you... shit. 435 00:24:09,493 --> 00:24:13,444 Come on, Richard, you can do it! 436 00:24:13,445 --> 00:24:15,432 Shut up, Dad! 437 00:24:15,433 --> 00:24:17,488 Wait, how long do those things take to kick in? 438 00:24:17,489 --> 00:24:19,472 Well, it depends how many you took. 439 00:24:19,473 --> 00:24:21,444 Round it down to about five. 440 00:24:21,445 --> 00:24:24,448 Yeah, you've got er, six, maybe seven minutes before things 441 00:24:24,449 --> 00:24:27,436 start bursting through your shorts like the Kraken. 442 00:24:27,437 --> 00:24:28,492 Shit! 443 00:24:28,493 --> 00:24:30,452 Preet, start the race! 444 00:24:30,453 --> 00:24:32,484 I have got to give a quick health and safety check. 445 00:24:32,485 --> 00:24:36,437 Preet, start the race! I love it when you're brusque with me, moffie. 446 00:24:41,481 --> 00:24:44,460 Mr Wickers ain't moved that fast since he found me 447 00:24:44,461 --> 00:24:46,581 lying on his desk wearing nothing but a sushi platter. 448 00:24:46,606 --> 00:24:49,606 Think unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts. 449 00:24:51,469 --> 00:24:53,497 Granny in a thong. 450 00:24:55,517 --> 00:24:57,481 Adrian Chiles' banter. 451 00:25:01,433 --> 00:25:02,553 Eric Pickles on the shitter. 452 00:25:06,489 --> 00:25:09,489 Ian Beale crying. 453 00:25:15,489 --> 00:25:17,452 Come on, Alfie! 454 00:25:17,453 --> 00:25:20,420 Please not on the monkey bars. 455 00:25:20,421 --> 00:25:22,429 God, no, not on the monkey bars. 456 00:25:29,453 --> 00:25:31,441 Come on, Richard! 457 00:25:33,453 --> 00:25:36,437 Feel blood heading south. 458 00:25:37,501 --> 00:25:39,477 Come on, Alfie! 459 00:25:42,441 --> 00:25:43,501 What's he doing? 460 00:25:46,465 --> 00:25:49,508 Maybe you've got to commando crawl the last bit. 461 00:25:49,509 --> 00:25:52,441 Is he wearing a little plough? 462 00:25:55,437 --> 00:25:57,453 I can't watch, Richard's going to catch him. 463 00:25:59,485 --> 00:26:01,516 Oh, no, you don't, old goat. 464 00:26:01,517 --> 00:26:04,437 Moffie shall go to the ball. 465 00:26:10,473 --> 00:26:12,468 Steady. 466 00:26:12,469 --> 00:26:13,508 He's got a gun, get down! 467 00:26:13,509 --> 00:26:15,501 Ooh! 468 00:26:17,465 --> 00:26:20,441 Oh! 469 00:26:25,509 --> 00:26:28,492 He's not breathing. I'll have to give him mouth-to-mouth. 470 00:26:28,493 --> 00:26:30,441 Oh! 471 00:26:34,465 --> 00:26:36,456 I can't feel my legs. 472 00:26:36,457 --> 00:26:38,468 Uh! 473 00:26:38,469 --> 00:26:41,488 Teach me everything you know. 474 00:26:41,489 --> 00:26:43,496 Alfie, why have you...? 475 00:26:43,497 --> 00:26:46,420 Before everyone thinks I'm a massive weirdo. 476 00:26:46,421 --> 00:26:47,476 A bit late for that, bro. 477 00:26:47,477 --> 00:26:50,516 I cheated, OK? Or at least I tried to cheat. 478 00:26:50,517 --> 00:26:53,484 I thought Richard was on steroids cos I found these blue 479 00:26:53,485 --> 00:26:56,448 pills in his bag but they weren't steroids, they were Viagra. 480 00:26:56,449 --> 00:26:57,492 Don't stress. 481 00:26:57,493 --> 00:27:00,424 Viagra? Why, why does Richard have...? 482 00:27:00,425 --> 00:27:02,460 Rosie, Rosie, Rosie, it's not what you... 483 00:27:02,461 --> 00:27:06,500 I would hate for you to presume that er, that, but, but, but... 484 00:27:06,501 --> 00:27:08,497 but, well, plan to succeed. 485 00:27:11,433 --> 00:27:12,496 Rosie, I did... 486 00:27:12,497 --> 00:27:15,480 If you say, "I told you so," you'll get one of those as well. 487 00:27:15,481 --> 00:27:19,476 Excuse me, please. Rosie, no, no, no, Rosie, wait, please. 488 00:27:19,477 --> 00:27:20,508 Yeah, I win! 489 00:27:20,509 --> 00:27:22,297 Do you, though? Really? 490 00:27:22,497 --> 00:27:25,492 Could someone maybe cover that up? 491 00:27:25,493 --> 00:27:28,444 Moffie, I'll write! 492 00:27:28,445 --> 00:27:30,346 I won't reply! 493 00:27:30,546 --> 00:27:32,448 Ugh, yeah, ugh! 494 00:27:32,449 --> 00:27:34,497 Suppose we better get a new PE teacher, then. 495 00:27:42,445 --> 00:27:46,437 Good news, sir, I got the photo finish of the race, you won! 496 00:27:46,637 --> 00:27:49,436 Yes! I rule! 497 00:27:49,437 --> 00:27:51,496 You won by a head. 498 00:27:51,497 --> 00:27:54,489 It's the most popular edition in the school's history. 499 00:27:54,490 --> 00:27:57,464 You saved the paper, sir! Everyone's reading it. 500 00:27:57,465 --> 00:28:00,243 Oh, great! 38946