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1
00:00:08,019 --> 00:00:10,046
So, I sacked the PE teacher again.
2
00:00:10,047 --> 00:00:13,791
After last year's dead
heat at the sports day, I told him
3
00:00:13,864 --> 00:00:15,252
to install camera technology.
4
00:00:15,328 --> 00:00:19,895
Sadly he misunderstood the phrase
"photo finish". A line was crossed.
5
00:00:19,896 --> 00:00:23,792
Anyhoos, this year's sports day is
but upon us and...
6
00:00:23,807 --> 00:00:25,719
No way, never going to happen,
not doing it.
7
00:00:25,758 --> 00:00:28,734
Calm down, dear, it's not you.
8
00:00:28,735 --> 00:00:31,955
Now, don't overreact but it's time
to meet Abbey Grove's new PE
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00:00:31,962 --> 00:00:35,914
teacher, Mr Preet van der Plessis.
10
00:00:44,990 --> 00:00:47,901
Hush, hush, moffie,
11
00:00:47,902 --> 00:00:50,974
Daddy's bought you some white
chocolate from his trip to prison.
12
00:01:21,914 --> 00:01:23,997
You can't employ him,
he's a psychopath!
13
00:01:23,998 --> 00:01:29,614
Here, chummy, I hold my hand up,
yah, I make mistakes but I've changed.
14
00:01:29,714 --> 00:01:31,538
He attacked me with a riot baton.
15
00:01:31,583 --> 00:01:33,263
That's Preet's way of saying,
"I love you,"
16
00:01:33,288 --> 00:01:36,100
and I've got a couple of broken
ribs to prove it.
17
00:01:36,101 --> 00:01:37,168
Plus he's very cheap.
18
00:01:37,169 --> 00:01:39,100
There!
19
00:01:39,101 --> 00:01:41,673
TIA.
Oh, I've missed this stumpy pecker.
20
00:01:41,747 --> 00:01:44,743
You still smoking the bars, yeah?
No, I'm messing, scappy.
21
00:01:44,943 --> 00:01:45,746
Urgh! Ow!
22
00:01:45,747 --> 00:01:47,543
Classic Preet!
23
00:01:47,743 --> 00:01:51,706
Look, Alf, yes, he may have assaulted
you and, yes, that may have
24
00:01:51,707 --> 00:01:55,671
resulted in a teeny prison stretch,
but he's had extensive anger
25
00:01:55,672 --> 00:01:58,727
management, art therapy.
You couldn't meet a more stable guy.
26
00:01:58,927 --> 00:02:00,003
Boo!
27
00:02:00,020 --> 00:02:01,647
That therapy's worked a treat.
28
00:02:01,747 --> 00:02:04,750
Yeah, I watched that movie,
Mandela. I only laughed once.
29
00:02:04,751 --> 00:02:06,367
Well, maybe.
30
00:02:06,425 --> 00:02:08,461
Oh, when he gets sentenced,
his face.
31
00:02:09,469 --> 00:02:10,469
Priceless.
32
00:02:10,497 --> 00:02:12,453
Look, Alfie, Preet's lost his job,
33
00:02:12,454 --> 00:02:15,448
it turns out my gym doesn't employ
anyone with a criminal record.
34
00:02:15,449 --> 00:02:16,449
Neither do schools!
35
00:02:16,497 --> 00:02:20,424
Not this school. I believe everyone
deserves a second chance.
36
00:02:20,425 --> 00:02:22,436
Who wants to celebrate
with some khat?
37
00:02:22,437 --> 00:02:25,501
It's like bay leaf, only it's
also an amphetamine.
38
00:02:26,517 --> 00:02:29,425
Everyone deserves a third chance.
39
00:02:37,513 --> 00:02:40,440
Right, sports day, you know
the drill.
40
00:02:40,441 --> 00:02:42,472
Sir draws our events
out of a hat. That way
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00:02:42,473 --> 00:02:44,428
the humiliation's at random.
42
00:02:44,429 --> 00:02:48,444
OK. Andre, egg-and-spoon race.
Raj, 800 metres.
43
00:02:48,445 --> 00:02:50,441
Rem Dogg...
44
00:02:51,517 --> 00:02:53,452
..wheelbarrow race.
45
00:02:53,453 --> 00:02:56,420
Boom! Third year in a row.
46
00:02:56,421 --> 00:02:59,484
What a convenient coincidence.
Stephen... sack race.
47
00:02:59,485 --> 00:03:03,456
I am not wearing a sack in public.
Please let me customise it, sir.
48
00:03:03,457 --> 00:03:06,420
Fine, whatever. Er, Chantelle,
three-legged race.
49
00:03:06,421 --> 00:03:08,428
You know all about that, tripod.
50
00:03:08,429 --> 00:03:09,484
Cleo.
51
00:03:09,485 --> 00:03:11,512
I ain't doing no bait sports day.
100-metre dash.
52
00:03:11,513 --> 00:03:14,420
What, cos I'm black you think
I can sprint?
53
00:03:14,421 --> 00:03:16,432
What? No, it's all random.
54
00:03:16,433 --> 00:03:20,464
Why don't you just make me run with a boom box or put
a bargain bucket on the finishing line? Oh, God!
55
00:03:20,465 --> 00:03:23,448
Oh, sorry,
ain't there a bobsleigh team?
56
00:03:23,449 --> 00:03:25,440
You can sit this one out. Correct!
57
00:03:25,441 --> 00:03:28,436
I'm out, too. I'm covering sports
day for the school's newspaper.
58
00:03:28,437 --> 00:03:30,436
Did you guys read my latest edition?
59
00:03:30,437 --> 00:03:32,496
It's just a bit dry, babe.
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00:03:32,497 --> 00:03:34,496
Dry but very absorbent.
61
00:03:34,497 --> 00:03:38,440
You need to give the readers what
they want - sex, scandal and Kimye.
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00:03:38,441 --> 00:03:40,484
You want a scandal.
I heard Melanie Chubb, right,
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00:03:40,485 --> 00:03:43,472
went to the toilet and accidentally
wiped her fanny with her dress!
64
00:03:43,473 --> 00:03:46,492
OMG, drams give me dates!
God help me.
65
00:03:46,493 --> 00:03:49,460
We're all in the gutter, Jing,
but some of us
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00:03:49,461 --> 00:03:52,500
are looking up
the miniskirts of the stars!
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00:03:52,501 --> 00:03:54,473
Alfie, can I have a quick word?
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00:03:56,489 --> 00:03:59,440
Look, I just wanted to tell
you something
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00:03:59,441 --> 00:04:01,561
because I didn't want you to hear
it from anyone else.
70
00:04:01,586 --> 00:04:05,468
You're sleeping with Richard, aren't you? You're
in love with him, you're going to get married!
71
00:04:05,469 --> 00:04:08,432
I just wanted to tell you that
Richard's coming to sports day.
72
00:04:08,433 --> 00:04:11,432
Why? What event's he doing? The race
to get his affairs in order?
73
00:04:11,433 --> 00:04:14,460
St Mark's Ambulance do our first aid
and Richard volunteers for them.
74
00:04:14,461 --> 00:04:17,484
Are you sure? Maybe he just keeps
being brought home in an ambulance!
75
00:04:17,485 --> 00:04:20,476
He's saying your boyfriend's
a scrotum-faced old buttfucker!
76
00:04:20,477 --> 00:04:22,432
Would you please stop doing that?
77
00:04:22,433 --> 00:04:24,472
For the last time,
Richard is not my boyfriend!
78
00:04:24,473 --> 00:04:27,428
That man is a coiled serpent
waiting to spring.
79
00:04:27,429 --> 00:04:31,464
The little prawn prince doesn't want
this cock-frocking junkie at sports day.
80
00:04:31,465 --> 00:04:34,440
But never fear, for I'm
trained in first aid, too.
81
00:04:34,441 --> 00:04:36,496
Stand Richard down,
Preet's got it covered.
82
00:04:36,497 --> 00:04:40,513
Yeah, in prison I sucked the shank
out of a warden's neck.
83
00:04:42,465 --> 00:04:45,445
Maybe let's keep Richard as Plan A.
84
00:04:47,513 --> 00:04:51,436
Hey, I thought you were sticking
it to stick it in the bokkie.
85
00:04:51,437 --> 00:04:52,456
We're on a break.
86
00:04:52,457 --> 00:04:56,424
Oh. Fuck the fuck.
Uh, mongrels off the leash, eh?
87
00:04:56,425 --> 00:04:58,496
Maybe tonight we should hit up
a few Stellenbraus.
88
00:04:58,497 --> 00:05:01,444
Lock and load,
go on the hunt for cooch.
89
00:05:01,445 --> 00:05:03,437
Yeah, never going to happen.
90
00:05:06,465 --> 00:05:07,512
Oh!
91
00:05:07,513 --> 00:05:09,512
Why are you wet?
92
00:05:09,513 --> 00:05:13,424
I don't fit in my locker anymore
so Grayson lubed me.
93
00:05:13,425 --> 00:05:16,420
Lube helps, sir, if you're trying to
squeeze into something small.
94
00:05:16,421 --> 00:05:19,061
Yes, thank you, Chantelle, I know
what lubricant is. I was in there
95
00:05:19,086 --> 00:05:21,460
for an hour. Thank God I keep it
well stocked with snacks.
96
00:05:21,461 --> 00:05:22,661
That may be why you don't fit.
97
00:05:22,686 --> 00:05:26,448
Grayson will keep giving you shit till you
slap him down. Girlfriend's got a point.
98
00:05:26,449 --> 00:05:28,452
Don't ever call me "girlfriend"
again. Noted!
99
00:05:28,453 --> 00:05:31,468
You should use sports day to put him
in his place. This is your chance to
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00:05:31,469 --> 00:05:34,440
take Grayson down in front of the
whole school. Everyone loves
101
00:05:34,441 --> 00:05:36,480
an underdog. I can picture
the headlines.
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00:05:36,481 --> 00:05:38,432
Jing's right.
103
00:05:38,433 --> 00:05:41,436
This is your perfect chance to beat
Grayson at... the hurdles!
104
00:05:41,437 --> 00:05:42,504
Maybe not.
105
00:05:42,505 --> 00:05:44,428
Kill me.
106
00:05:44,429 --> 00:05:45,452
Hash-tag light bulb.
107
00:05:45,453 --> 00:05:48,496
That old guy that tried to attach on
to Miss G is going to sports day, right?
108
00:05:48,497 --> 00:05:51,500
Why don't you challenge him?
Show Miss G what she's missing.
109
00:05:51,501 --> 00:05:53,444
That is a brilliant idea.
110
00:05:53,445 --> 00:05:55,845
Challenge him at what? You're even
slower and weaker than me.
111
00:05:55,870 --> 00:05:58,452
Isn't it obvious?
Good old-fashioned dance-off.
112
00:05:58,453 --> 00:06:00,480
I can bust a few moves
out of my hip-hop locker.
113
00:06:00,481 --> 00:06:03,464
Your hip-hop moves are about this
far from a race crime.
114
00:06:03,465 --> 00:06:05,440
What you talking about?
115
00:06:05,441 --> 00:06:07,488
♪ I ain't saying she a gold digger
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00:06:07,489 --> 00:06:10,429
♪ but I ain't messing
with no bro... ♪
117
00:06:10,629 --> 00:06:12,492
Man of Afro-Caribbean origin.
118
00:06:12,493 --> 00:06:17,424
What about a teacher and parent
race? Perfect!
119
00:06:17,425 --> 00:06:19,476
Well, I guess we'll have
to hit the gym.
120
00:06:19,477 --> 00:06:21,468
We? Well, I can't do this on my own.
121
00:06:21,469 --> 00:06:25,504
Look, guys, I know historically we've never done
well at sports day but this is the last one ever.
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00:06:25,505 --> 00:06:30,465
Wouldn't it be great, just once,
to taste the sweet nectar of glory?
123
00:06:33,465 --> 00:06:35,452
You know how this plays out.
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00:06:35,453 --> 00:06:36,533
OK, I'll buy you a Nando's.
125
00:06:38,473 --> 00:06:40,484
Three, two...
126
00:06:40,485 --> 00:06:42,476
Preet!
127
00:06:42,477 --> 00:06:45,428
Hello, moffie. My first PE lesson.
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00:06:45,429 --> 00:06:47,500
I'm breaking these little bokkie
tots in gently.
129
00:06:47,501 --> 00:06:50,509
What are you playing? It, stuck
in the mud? Hunger Games.
130
00:06:52,509 --> 00:06:56,484
Cool! Um, look, you used to be
a personal trainer, right?
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00:06:56,485 --> 00:06:58,480
Yeah, until the gym fired me.
132
00:06:58,481 --> 00:07:01,432
They didn't like me
trying to segregate customers.
133
00:07:01,433 --> 00:07:02,673
Actually, I'm with you on that.
134
00:07:02,698 --> 00:07:05,444
I way prefer gyms where the men's
and women's bits separate,
135
00:07:05,445 --> 00:07:06,500
less intimidating, eh?
136
00:07:06,501 --> 00:07:08,440
I didn't divide them by gender.
137
00:07:08,441 --> 00:07:09,488
Right.
138
00:07:09,489 --> 00:07:12,436
Um, look, I need you to put me
139
00:07:12,437 --> 00:07:14,476
and my class on a crash
course before sports day.
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00:07:14,477 --> 00:07:16,424
Ha!
141
00:07:16,425 --> 00:07:17,496
But you're just a child.
142
00:07:17,497 --> 00:07:20,436
I could smell your mother's
milk on your breath.
143
00:07:20,437 --> 00:07:22,477
You're not ready to spar with
Preet van der Plessis.
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00:07:22,502 --> 00:07:25,466
I don't want to fight you,
I just want some training.
145
00:07:28,441 --> 00:07:31,460
If you place yourself in my hands,
I will push you to the
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00:07:31,461 --> 00:07:33,508
limits of human endurance.
147
00:07:33,509 --> 00:07:37,456
I will take you to a world of pain
that can change a man for ever.
148
00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:39,496
Put the fire of Africa
in your yum-yums!
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00:07:39,497 --> 00:07:43,496
So ask yourself one question,
moffie, are you ready
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00:07:43,497 --> 00:07:45,484
for the Preet heat?
151
00:07:45,485 --> 00:07:51,421
Yeah. Could you, er, un-cup me now?
152
00:07:53,425 --> 00:07:54,501
Ah!
153
00:08:00,505 --> 00:08:05,492
Body's a temple, time to sacrifice
some carbs to the Bud-god.
154
00:08:05,493 --> 00:08:08,484
Bird's got to keep that cracking
little toosh in trim, eh?
155
00:08:08,485 --> 00:08:11,464
Bit much. Protein shake, anyone?
156
00:08:11,465 --> 00:08:12,500
What flavour?
157
00:08:12,501 --> 00:08:14,468
Banana!
158
00:08:14,469 --> 00:08:17,436
Hey, try mine,
it's got shavings of real ivory,
159
00:08:17,437 --> 00:08:19,500
gives you purchase balls.
160
00:08:19,501 --> 00:08:21,456
No, thank you.
161
00:08:21,457 --> 00:08:23,468
Why are you drinking
a protein shake?
162
00:08:23,469 --> 00:08:27,424
Getting ready for the parents
and teachers race at sports day.
163
00:08:27,425 --> 00:08:30,444
Er, one question - can I do it in my
fun-run fancy dress? OK. Yes!
164
00:08:30,445 --> 00:08:36,428
Anyone can enter - parents, teachers,
medics, young, old, basically dead.
165
00:08:36,429 --> 00:08:40,456
Oh! I can invite Richard. How do I
get in contact with someone like him?
166
00:08:40,457 --> 00:08:42,480
Morse code, pigeon... seance?
167
00:08:42,481 --> 00:08:45,464
You know what, I'm sure he'll
jump at the opportunity.
168
00:08:45,465 --> 00:08:47,508
Please, probably hasn't jumped
since Hammer Time.
169
00:08:47,509 --> 00:08:49,496
Hey, can't touch this.
170
00:08:49,497 --> 00:08:50,500
Skeletal.
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00:08:50,501 --> 00:08:55,448
Oh, and just so you know, Richard
used to sprint for his university.
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00:08:55,449 --> 00:08:59,436
Babe, you have no idea how quick
I am over the finish line.
173
00:08:59,437 --> 00:09:00,504
Oh, I think I do.
174
00:09:00,505 --> 00:09:03,484
Alf, could you really beat Richard?
175
00:09:03,485 --> 00:09:05,500
Well,
she said that he was a sprinter,
176
00:09:05,501 --> 00:09:08,492
so let's make it an endurance event.
177
00:09:08,493 --> 00:09:11,468
You got it, Wikus, I'll
design it myself.
178
00:09:11,469 --> 00:09:13,488
I'll call it "the Master Race".
179
00:09:13,489 --> 00:09:15,472
We probably won't.
180
00:09:15,473 --> 00:09:17,432
The old gang back together, eh?
181
00:09:17,433 --> 00:09:19,452
The boys, the lads, the lady-killers.
182
00:09:19,453 --> 00:09:22,421
Never proven. Come, moffie,
I wish to make you sweat.
183
00:09:28,485 --> 00:09:30,476
Right, I've found a brown leather
184
00:09:30,477 --> 00:09:33,500
Moby clutch on net-a-porter.com. At
a push it works with the sackcloth.
185
00:09:33,501 --> 00:09:36,468
Have you read the newspaper yet?
I can't believe it!
186
00:09:36,469 --> 00:09:39,444
Steroids. Jing, is this for real?
187
00:09:39,445 --> 00:09:41,488
Yep, someone at the school's been
taking steroids.
188
00:09:41,489 --> 00:09:44,456
We'll be publishing
exclusives all week.
189
00:09:44,457 --> 00:09:46,428
Maybe I should get some steroids.
190
00:09:46,429 --> 00:09:48,500
Joe, you don't need steroids,
Preet's training us.
191
00:09:48,501 --> 00:09:51,484
Uh! I can't believe
they let that psycho back in 'ere.
192
00:09:51,485 --> 00:09:52,516
He's not a psycho.
193
00:09:52,517 --> 00:09:57,480
Preet's had something called "art
therapy", it's really mellowed him.
194
00:09:57,481 --> 00:10:00,460
Listen up, you scrawny,
pimple-necked,
195
00:10:00,461 --> 00:10:02,461
cat-wracking pieces of shit!
196
00:10:03,465 --> 00:10:04,508
Preet?
197
00:10:04,509 --> 00:10:07,464
Sorry.
198
00:10:07,465 --> 00:10:10,513
♪ Hi-de-hi, kinderbok,
I'm Uncle Preet. ♪
199
00:10:10,713 --> 00:10:12,500
He's scary when he's being nice.
200
00:10:12,501 --> 00:10:14,477
On your feet.
201
00:10:23,425 --> 00:10:27,452
Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
Non-regulation socks.
202
00:10:27,453 --> 00:10:29,508
So, I don't have white socks,
big deal!
203
00:10:29,509 --> 00:10:32,488
Do you know what happens
when you mix whites and coloureds?
204
00:10:32,489 --> 00:10:34,480
It ruins your wash?
205
00:10:34,481 --> 00:10:36,432
Society crumbles!
206
00:10:36,433 --> 00:10:40,492
Er, this is all I had. You have broken the ancient
code of physical education, you know the punishment!
207
00:10:40,493 --> 00:10:42,508
Can I remind you I am a teacher?
208
00:10:42,509 --> 00:10:44,493
Do you want me to train you or not?
209
00:10:47,437 --> 00:10:48,488
Yes.
210
00:10:48,489 --> 00:10:50,437
Let's dance.
211
00:11:11,441 --> 00:11:12,457
Whoa!
212
00:11:14,501 --> 00:11:16,441
Yah!
213
00:11:17,465 --> 00:11:19,485
Whoa!
214
00:11:25,509 --> 00:11:26,517
Whoa!
215
00:11:31,513 --> 00:11:35,420
Urgh! Oh!
216
00:11:35,421 --> 00:11:38,504
I'll never beat Grayson,
he hurdles for the school team.
217
00:11:38,505 --> 00:11:41,468
Joe, you've got an Olympic record.
218
00:11:41,469 --> 00:11:44,504
I'm the fastest under-18 to finish
the Little Chef Olympic Breakfast.
219
00:11:44,505 --> 00:11:47,472
That's part of the problem,
not the solution.
220
00:11:47,473 --> 00:11:49,424
Bullshit.
221
00:11:49,425 --> 00:11:51,436
Joe, you have got the hunger.
222
00:11:51,437 --> 00:11:54,424
When you see a barrier, you don't
stop, you power on through.
223
00:11:54,425 --> 00:11:57,432
Great, but aren't I supposed
to be jumping over the barriers?
224
00:11:57,433 --> 00:11:59,436
What are you doing?
225
00:11:59,437 --> 00:12:00,517
Oh, just er, fixing up this
226
00:12:00,542 --> 00:12:03,512
bad boy so I can teach
and burn at the same time.
227
00:12:03,513 --> 00:12:06,468
Alfie, I know you're hurting,
but losing to
228
00:12:06,469 --> 00:12:09,472
Richard in front of everyone is only
going to make things worse.
229
00:12:09,473 --> 00:12:11,504
Huh, me lose to Richard? Please.
230
00:12:11,505 --> 00:12:14,460
Name one thing he's got that
I haven't?
231
00:12:14,461 --> 00:12:17,420
Sensitivity, maturity, charm.
232
00:12:17,421 --> 00:12:19,432
Yeah, but I said one thing,
not three.
233
00:12:19,433 --> 00:12:22,424
And, anyway,
at least I'm biodegradable.
234
00:12:22,425 --> 00:12:25,504
Yeah, his plastic hips ain't going
to be decomposing any time soon.
235
00:12:25,505 --> 00:12:30,444
Now, if you'd kindly
vamoose from the artist's studio,
236
00:12:30,445 --> 00:12:33,452
I have got a body to sculpt.
237
00:12:33,453 --> 00:12:35,445
Ow!
238
00:12:36,449 --> 00:12:38,456
See you later, Michelangelo.
239
00:12:38,457 --> 00:12:41,477
I think I've broken me coccyx.
240
00:13:03,461 --> 00:13:06,440
If you have a thirst for the crease,
you can always
241
00:13:06,441 --> 00:13:09,516
play for my village team. I bet you
can still trouble a boundary, eh, eh?
242
00:13:09,517 --> 00:13:12,420
Have you been talking to my ex-wife?
243
00:13:12,421 --> 00:13:13,481
Which one?
244
00:13:15,429 --> 00:13:16,516
Ah, smoocher, come perch.
245
00:13:16,517 --> 00:13:21,420
We were just chin-wagging about the
pick and pock of leather on willow.
246
00:13:21,421 --> 00:13:23,476
Sorry, I don't speak
Last Of The Summer Wine.
247
00:13:23,477 --> 00:13:24,557
We share a love of cricket.
248
00:13:24,582 --> 00:13:28,516
Rosie informs me that my presence is
requested at the adults' race.
249
00:13:28,517 --> 00:13:31,508
Yeah, Richard and you better
bring your A-game, mate.
250
00:13:31,509 --> 00:13:34,476
Absolutely, but in the words
of the Greek philosopher,
251
00:13:34,477 --> 00:13:37,492
Epictetus, it is not the winning
but the taking part which counts.
252
00:13:37,493 --> 00:13:41,472
Well, in the words of Alfie Wickers,
I hope your silly little ambulance
253
00:13:41,473 --> 00:13:45,421
has got room for both your assholes,
cos I'm going to tear you a new one.
254
00:13:46,477 --> 00:13:50,468
Brilliant. A new asshole, I, must
remember that one for bridge club.
255
00:13:50,469 --> 00:13:53,481
You play bridge as well?
Which discipline? Rubber.
256
00:13:55,449 --> 00:13:58,496
Next you'll be telling me you go to
Bang Bang's Massage Parlour
257
00:13:58,497 --> 00:14:00,452
in Tring with the nice Thai ladies.
258
00:14:00,453 --> 00:14:02,424
No, no, I... Right, you, here.
259
00:14:02,425 --> 00:14:04,500
What the hell was all that about?
260
00:14:04,501 --> 00:14:07,428
Why are you being
so friendly with Richard?
261
00:14:07,429 --> 00:14:08,669
Richard, what's wrong with him?
262
00:14:08,694 --> 00:14:13,420
What, you mean other than the fact that
he's trying to shag my girlfriend? Yes.
263
00:14:13,421 --> 00:14:15,484
♪ What's that coming over the hill,
is it a monster?
264
00:14:15,485 --> 00:14:17,437
♪ Is it a monster? ♪
265
00:14:18,509 --> 00:14:20,452
Jesus Christ!
266
00:14:20,453 --> 00:14:21,476
Great costume, chap.
267
00:14:21,477 --> 00:14:25,496
And I like yours, too, weird, old,
random bus conductor man.
268
00:14:25,497 --> 00:14:28,472
Oh, God, sorry,
I haven't introduced you.
269
00:14:28,473 --> 00:14:31,516
Fraser, this is my... A privilege to
finally meet your father.
270
00:14:31,517 --> 00:14:34,464
Rosie talks about her old man
non-stop.
271
00:14:34,465 --> 00:14:35,516
No, Fraser, this...
272
00:14:35,517 --> 00:14:37,504
But where's Mrs Gulliver? Preet!
273
00:14:37,505 --> 00:14:39,492
Come and meet Rosie's dad!
274
00:14:39,493 --> 00:14:43,452
Hello there, you old fat fecker.
Stukkie's a very confident lady.
275
00:14:43,453 --> 00:14:45,484
We were a little... belt-shy, bro?
276
00:14:45,485 --> 00:14:48,440
Er, actually, I'm not Rosie's pater.
277
00:14:48,441 --> 00:14:53,489
This is Richard, my... friend!
278
00:15:00,505 --> 00:15:04,424
Did I tell you I'm entering
the mothers' sack race?
279
00:15:04,425 --> 00:15:06,460
Oh, not this joke. Every year.
280
00:15:06,461 --> 00:15:08,517
Got to get one of those hot
mammas into the sack.
281
00:15:10,489 --> 00:15:13,501
Come, I have a surprise for you.
282
00:15:19,453 --> 00:15:23,444
Right, Preet, when I said obstacles
I meant, like, a few hurdles.
283
00:15:23,445 --> 00:15:25,504
The most brutal obstacle course
known to man.
284
00:15:25,505 --> 00:15:28,480
And I've got a truckload
of attack dogs coming, too.
285
00:15:28,481 --> 00:15:29,484
Attack dogs?
286
00:15:29,485 --> 00:15:34,460
And how do you plan to control
a pack of attack dogs with children?
287
00:15:34,461 --> 00:15:37,492
You've got a tranquiliser gun.
Of course you do.
288
00:15:37,493 --> 00:15:41,468
Um, is, is that legal?
It's a grey area.
289
00:15:41,469 --> 00:15:44,496
Decapaccini, that cat guzzling old
goat will faint just
290
00:15:44,497 --> 00:15:46,468
looking at this.
291
00:15:46,469 --> 00:15:49,452
Or my name's not Preet Cornelius
Hennyhenwig, Hoitetoit,
292
00:15:49,453 --> 00:15:53,420
Goosenhousen, Tabactablanche,
Vestavesen, Voota van der Plessis.
293
00:15:53,421 --> 00:15:55,488
Yeah, I mean I, I wanted to
test his endurance
294
00:15:55,489 --> 00:15:57,468
but this could actually kill me.
295
00:15:57,469 --> 00:16:00,460
As I told my cell mate the night
I tattooed his back with biro ink
296
00:16:00,461 --> 00:16:04,484
and a red hot needle, pain is
temporary, glory is for ever.
297
00:16:04,485 --> 00:16:07,448
TIA, bro. This is Africa!
298
00:16:07,449 --> 00:16:10,469
TIT, this is Tring.
299
00:16:14,425 --> 00:16:15,484
On your marks!
300
00:16:15,485 --> 00:16:17,432
Go on, Chantelle!
301
00:16:17,433 --> 00:16:20,424
Get set! Right, if you help me
win this I'll let you touch me tit.
302
00:16:20,425 --> 00:16:21,501
Go!
303
00:16:34,481 --> 00:16:37,464
On your marks, get set...
304
00:16:37,465 --> 00:16:38,509
Go!
305
00:16:58,437 --> 00:16:59,501
Go, Stephen!
306
00:17:03,473 --> 00:17:06,424
Shit, that boy can work it.
307
00:17:06,425 --> 00:17:08,497
Yeah, I suspect
he may be disqualified.
308
00:17:12,453 --> 00:17:13,516
Shamazing!
309
00:17:13,517 --> 00:17:16,456
Joe!
310
00:17:16,457 --> 00:17:19,432
There you are, buddy.
311
00:17:19,433 --> 00:17:22,464
Come on, it's time for the hurdles.
I don't want to do it.
312
00:17:22,465 --> 00:17:25,464
I'll never beat Grayson,
this was a stupid idea.
313
00:17:25,465 --> 00:17:29,428
But the Olympic breakfast.
Forget the breakfast, Alfie.
314
00:17:29,429 --> 00:17:32,504
Joe, remember what I said? When you
hit a barrier, you don't stop,
315
00:17:32,505 --> 00:17:34,476
you power on through.
316
00:17:34,477 --> 00:17:37,420
That's how you're going to beat
Grayson. That...
317
00:17:37,421 --> 00:17:39,428
and by making sure you
run in lane three.
318
00:17:39,429 --> 00:17:40,472
I don't get it.
319
00:17:40,473 --> 00:17:41,516
Just trust me.
320
00:17:41,517 --> 00:17:45,505
Shut your eyes and run like the time
you got the shits on the Cutty Sark.
321
00:17:50,465 --> 00:17:54,425
"To Joe, good luck, Grayson."
322
00:17:57,429 --> 00:17:58,485
Get down!
323
00:18:06,489 --> 00:18:09,452
All right, Shrek?
324
00:18:09,453 --> 00:18:12,493
Smile for the camera,
this shit's going on Roo Tube.
325
00:18:15,517 --> 00:18:19,420
He looks... angry.
326
00:18:19,421 --> 00:18:22,497
On your marks, get set, go!
327
00:18:33,465 --> 00:18:36,444
I think I know who's been
taking them steroids in.
328
00:18:36,445 --> 00:18:39,477
Joe's not on steroids.
I weakened his hurdles.
329
00:18:51,501 --> 00:18:55,480
Joe! You can stop now!
330
00:18:55,481 --> 00:18:57,488
He'll tire himself out.
331
00:18:57,489 --> 00:18:59,497
Eventually.
332
00:19:01,441 --> 00:19:02,473
Joe!
333
00:19:06,453 --> 00:19:08,440
Ladies and gentlemen,
334
00:19:08,441 --> 00:19:11,428
the parent-and-teacher race will
commence in ten minutes.
335
00:19:11,429 --> 00:19:12,472
Thanky-doodle-do.
336
00:19:12,473 --> 00:19:14,456
Good luck, mate, going to need it.
337
00:19:14,457 --> 00:19:16,464
Oh, don't be too cocky, young swain.
338
00:19:16,465 --> 00:19:20,452
Remember I have a secret weapon,
consilium.
339
00:19:20,453 --> 00:19:21,516
What the hell is that?
340
00:19:21,517 --> 00:19:23,493
You'll find out.
341
00:19:28,505 --> 00:19:30,508
He said it to my face, Jing.
342
00:19:30,509 --> 00:19:33,476
He's got a secret weapon that's
going to help him win.
343
00:19:33,477 --> 00:19:35,480
Yeah, but what's consilium?
344
00:19:35,481 --> 00:19:37,496
Um, what does it sound like? A drug.
345
00:19:37,497 --> 00:19:39,476
Now where's his bag?
346
00:19:39,477 --> 00:19:41,456
I'm not sure about this, sir.
347
00:19:41,457 --> 00:19:43,504
Your steroid story, he's the cheat!
348
00:19:43,505 --> 00:19:46,508
It all makes sense,
a medic with access to drugs.
349
00:19:46,509 --> 00:19:49,496
That's why Rosie's
so confident he's going to win,
350
00:19:49,497 --> 00:19:51,488
she knows he's on this consilium.
351
00:19:51,489 --> 00:19:54,424
Ah!
352
00:19:54,425 --> 00:19:56,585
Talcum powder, Wisden, Y-fronts
the colour of weak tea,
353
00:19:56,610 --> 00:19:58,496
this is Richard's bag.
354
00:19:58,497 --> 00:20:01,428
Sir, the steroid story's not
entirely true.
355
00:20:01,429 --> 00:20:04,436
Bingo! The roidy bastard!
356
00:20:04,437 --> 00:20:07,440
But how? I made the story up.
357
00:20:07,441 --> 00:20:11,480
You lied in print and you want to
become a journalist. Jing.
358
00:20:11,481 --> 00:20:13,452
Well.
359
00:20:13,453 --> 00:20:16,444
Now you've got all the evidence you
need, take him down.
360
00:20:16,445 --> 00:20:18,424
But what about you?
361
00:20:18,425 --> 00:20:20,428
You won't beat him
if he's on steroids.
362
00:20:20,429 --> 00:20:21,469
If you can't beat 'em...
363
00:20:25,473 --> 00:20:30,448
Now, go, Jing, and remember, the
truth and nothing but the truth.
364
00:20:30,449 --> 00:20:34,445
Although, obviously, don't mention
that I took the steroids as well.
365
00:20:47,465 --> 00:20:53,452
Naughty moffie, caught
with your hand in the Biltong jar!
366
00:20:53,453 --> 00:20:54,512
Preet, what the hell?
367
00:20:54,513 --> 00:20:58,492
If Pistorius taught me one thing,
it's shit with the door open.
368
00:20:58,493 --> 00:21:01,464
Right, I'm just... Oh, God.
369
00:21:01,465 --> 00:21:04,496
Don't worry, moffie,
your secret's safe with me.
370
00:21:04,497 --> 00:21:07,472
Yeah, well, there's no secret, cos
I wasn't actually doing anything.
371
00:21:07,473 --> 00:21:10,452
Two men share a secret, it binds
them together,
372
00:21:10,453 --> 00:21:12,501
entwining them
into one beating heart.
373
00:21:15,469 --> 00:21:17,448
You going to have a wipe of that?
374
00:21:17,449 --> 00:21:21,444
First month in prison,
I hated you for what you did to me.
375
00:21:21,445 --> 00:21:23,496
To be fair, you attacked me.
376
00:21:23,497 --> 00:21:26,496
Every night I dreamt of turning
your jib-jabs into drills.
377
00:21:26,497 --> 00:21:28,468
A bit close.
378
00:21:28,469 --> 00:21:30,517
But then I began my course
of art therapy.
379
00:21:33,441 --> 00:21:35,424
Would you like to see my sketches?
380
00:21:35,425 --> 00:21:36,501
Not really.
381
00:21:41,465 --> 00:21:44,465
Oh, look, it's me.
382
00:21:46,457 --> 00:21:48,485
Oh, Jesus Christ!
383
00:21:50,425 --> 00:21:52,508
Oh, you have been busy.
384
00:21:52,509 --> 00:21:55,460
Feel free to stop at any...
385
00:21:55,461 --> 00:21:58,517
Ooh! So much detail.
386
00:22:00,469 --> 00:22:04,440
Oh, my God, don't know where I end
and you begin.
387
00:22:04,441 --> 00:22:08,472
Slowly I discovered there is only
one thing stronger than hate.
388
00:22:08,473 --> 00:22:10,452
Please don't say "love".
389
00:22:10,453 --> 00:22:12,428
Tattoos.
390
00:22:12,429 --> 00:22:13,480
Me again!
391
00:22:13,481 --> 00:22:16,516
My cell-mate, Hilary, chewed through
an entire khat bush to numb the pain.
392
00:22:16,517 --> 00:22:20,512
Yeah, why has your cell-mate
got my face tattooed onto his back?
393
00:22:20,513 --> 00:22:25,484
OK, I've just worked that
one out for myself.
394
00:22:25,485 --> 00:22:31,424
Preet, um, I like you
but I don't "like you" like you.
395
00:22:31,425 --> 00:22:35,516
Do you know what happens
when you break a lion's heart?
396
00:22:35,517 --> 00:22:39,465
Does it go to live with a warthog
and a meerkat?
397
00:22:40,513 --> 00:22:43,476
I will devour you,
moffie, as sure as my name is
398
00:22:43,477 --> 00:22:46,516
Preet Cornelius Hennyhenwig,
Hoitetoit, Goosen...
399
00:22:46,517 --> 00:22:48,472
Er, got it.
400
00:22:48,473 --> 00:22:50,485
Alfie, it's time.
401
00:22:52,513 --> 00:22:54,508
I'll just tiptoe out.
402
00:22:54,509 --> 00:22:57,420
No, wait for me!
403
00:22:57,421 --> 00:22:58,441
Moffie!
404
00:23:01,453 --> 00:23:02,516
Good luck.
405
00:23:02,517 --> 00:23:04,460
Carpe diem.
406
00:23:04,461 --> 00:23:06,512
Pfft, you're going to need more
than luck, mate,
407
00:23:06,513 --> 00:23:10,420
now I've got my hands on some
of your precious consilium.
408
00:23:10,421 --> 00:23:11,492
Yeah, that's right sucker.
409
00:23:11,493 --> 00:23:13,444
So you are a classicist?
410
00:23:13,445 --> 00:23:15,440
What are you talking about?
411
00:23:15,441 --> 00:23:18,464
Consilium, Latin for wisdom.
My secret weapon, old boy.
412
00:23:18,465 --> 00:23:20,424
Yeah, pull the other one, Farage.
413
00:23:20,425 --> 00:23:22,432
I'm talking about these.
414
00:23:22,433 --> 00:23:24,428
And don't you worry.
415
00:23:24,429 --> 00:23:25,709
I've levelled the playing field.
416
00:23:25,734 --> 00:23:27,428
Oh, crikey, yes, er...
417
00:23:27,429 --> 00:23:29,424
It's all very embarrassing.
418
00:23:29,425 --> 00:23:32,428
Yes, well, you see, at my age, er,
one, one sometimes, er,
419
00:23:32,429 --> 00:23:35,424
not always, but sometimes one,
one feels the need for, er,
420
00:23:35,425 --> 00:23:39,480
a little help in, in the,
in the bedroom department.
421
00:23:39,481 --> 00:23:41,464
What are you banging on about?
422
00:23:41,465 --> 00:23:43,452
Viagra.
423
00:23:43,453 --> 00:23:44,484
What?
424
00:23:44,485 --> 00:23:46,468
Viagra. Viagra?!
425
00:23:46,469 --> 00:23:48,424
Sh! Yes.
426
00:23:48,425 --> 00:23:50,500
Wait, sorry,
why would you need Viagra?
427
00:23:50,501 --> 00:23:53,448
Well, Rosie and I are...
428
00:23:53,449 --> 00:23:55,464
Friends!
429
00:23:55,465 --> 00:23:57,488
Yes, but plan for success,
prepare for failure.
430
00:23:57,489 --> 00:24:00,444
Rosie and I might become friends
with benefits.
431
00:24:00,445 --> 00:24:01,488
Ugh!
432
00:24:01,489 --> 00:24:04,432
Ugh, for using the phrase
"friends with benefits".
433
00:24:04,433 --> 00:24:07,480
Ugh, for betraying Rosie's trust
and trying to shag my girlfriend,
434
00:24:07,481 --> 00:24:09,492
you... shit.
435
00:24:09,493 --> 00:24:13,444
Come on, Richard, you can do it!
436
00:24:13,445 --> 00:24:15,432
Shut up, Dad!
437
00:24:15,433 --> 00:24:17,488
Wait, how long do those things
take to kick in?
438
00:24:17,489 --> 00:24:19,472
Well, it depends how many you took.
439
00:24:19,473 --> 00:24:21,444
Round it down to about five.
440
00:24:21,445 --> 00:24:24,448
Yeah, you've got er, six,
maybe seven minutes before things
441
00:24:24,449 --> 00:24:27,436
start bursting
through your shorts like the Kraken.
442
00:24:27,437 --> 00:24:28,492
Shit!
443
00:24:28,493 --> 00:24:30,452
Preet, start the race!
444
00:24:30,453 --> 00:24:32,484
I have got to give a quick health
and safety check.
445
00:24:32,485 --> 00:24:36,437
Preet, start the race! I love it
when you're brusque with me, moffie.
446
00:24:41,481 --> 00:24:44,460
Mr Wickers ain't moved that fast
since he found me
447
00:24:44,461 --> 00:24:46,581
lying on his desk wearing nothing
but a sushi platter.
448
00:24:46,606 --> 00:24:49,606
Think unsexy thoughts,
think unsexy thoughts.
449
00:24:51,469 --> 00:24:53,497
Granny in a thong.
450
00:24:55,517 --> 00:24:57,481
Adrian Chiles' banter.
451
00:25:01,433 --> 00:25:02,553
Eric Pickles on the shitter.
452
00:25:06,489 --> 00:25:09,489
Ian Beale crying.
453
00:25:15,489 --> 00:25:17,452
Come on, Alfie!
454
00:25:17,453 --> 00:25:20,420
Please not on the monkey bars.
455
00:25:20,421 --> 00:25:22,429
God, no, not on the monkey bars.
456
00:25:29,453 --> 00:25:31,441
Come on, Richard!
457
00:25:33,453 --> 00:25:36,437
Feel blood heading south.
458
00:25:37,501 --> 00:25:39,477
Come on, Alfie!
459
00:25:42,441 --> 00:25:43,501
What's he doing?
460
00:25:46,465 --> 00:25:49,508
Maybe you've got to commando
crawl the last bit.
461
00:25:49,509 --> 00:25:52,441
Is he wearing a little plough?
462
00:25:55,437 --> 00:25:57,453
I can't watch,
Richard's going to catch him.
463
00:25:59,485 --> 00:26:01,516
Oh, no, you don't, old goat.
464
00:26:01,517 --> 00:26:04,437
Moffie shall go to the ball.
465
00:26:10,473 --> 00:26:12,468
Steady.
466
00:26:12,469 --> 00:26:13,508
He's got a gun, get down!
467
00:26:13,509 --> 00:26:15,501
Ooh!
468
00:26:17,465 --> 00:26:20,441
Oh!
469
00:26:25,509 --> 00:26:28,492
He's not breathing. I'll have to
give him mouth-to-mouth.
470
00:26:28,493 --> 00:26:30,441
Oh!
471
00:26:34,465 --> 00:26:36,456
I can't feel my legs.
472
00:26:36,457 --> 00:26:38,468
Uh!
473
00:26:38,469 --> 00:26:41,488
Teach me everything you know.
474
00:26:41,489 --> 00:26:43,496
Alfie, why have you...?
475
00:26:43,497 --> 00:26:46,420
Before everyone thinks I'm
a massive weirdo.
476
00:26:46,421 --> 00:26:47,476
A bit late for that, bro.
477
00:26:47,477 --> 00:26:50,516
I cheated, OK?
Or at least I tried to cheat.
478
00:26:50,517 --> 00:26:53,484
I thought Richard was on steroids
cos I found these blue
479
00:26:53,485 --> 00:26:56,448
pills in his bag but they weren't
steroids, they were Viagra.
480
00:26:56,449 --> 00:26:57,492
Don't stress.
481
00:26:57,493 --> 00:27:00,424
Viagra? Why, why does Richard
have...?
482
00:27:00,425 --> 00:27:02,460
Rosie, Rosie, Rosie,
it's not what you...
483
00:27:02,461 --> 00:27:06,500
I would hate for you to presume
that er, that, but, but, but...
484
00:27:06,501 --> 00:27:08,497
but, well, plan to succeed.
485
00:27:11,433 --> 00:27:12,496
Rosie, I did...
486
00:27:12,497 --> 00:27:15,480
If you say, "I told you so,"
you'll get one of those as well.
487
00:27:15,481 --> 00:27:19,476
Excuse me, please. Rosie, no, no, no,
Rosie, wait, please.
488
00:27:19,477 --> 00:27:20,508
Yeah, I win!
489
00:27:20,509 --> 00:27:22,297
Do you, though? Really?
490
00:27:22,497 --> 00:27:25,492
Could someone maybe cover that up?
491
00:27:25,493 --> 00:27:28,444
Moffie, I'll write!
492
00:27:28,445 --> 00:27:30,346
I won't reply!
493
00:27:30,546 --> 00:27:32,448
Ugh, yeah, ugh!
494
00:27:32,449 --> 00:27:34,497
Suppose we better get
a new PE teacher, then.
495
00:27:42,445 --> 00:27:46,437
Good news, sir, I got the photo
finish of the race, you won!
496
00:27:46,637 --> 00:27:49,436
Yes! I rule!
497
00:27:49,437 --> 00:27:51,496
You won by a head.
498
00:27:51,497 --> 00:27:54,489
It's the most popular
edition in the school's history.
499
00:27:54,490 --> 00:27:57,464
You saved the paper, sir!
Everyone's reading it.
500
00:27:57,465 --> 00:28:00,243
Oh, great!
38950
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