Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:04,132 --> 00:00:06,163
I photographed this text
message on Miss Gulliver's
2
00:00:06,164 --> 00:00:08,712
phone so she couldn't delete
it before I confronted her.
3
00:00:08,756 --> 00:00:10,372
It's to some guy called Orlando.
4
00:00:10,440 --> 00:00:13,536
"Can't wait for BDSM tonight.
I love my bondage and my freedom."
5
00:00:13,537 --> 00:00:15,552
What does BDSM even mean?
6
00:00:15,553 --> 00:00:18,524
Bondage domination and
sadomasochism. Shut up, Mitchell!
7
00:00:18,525 --> 00:00:20,544
Trust me
Sir, I've watched a lot of porn.
8
00:00:20,545 --> 00:00:23,492
I'm sure there's a logical
explanation why she's texting
9
00:00:23,493 --> 00:00:24,693
some random guy about bondage.
10
00:00:24,718 --> 00:00:26,293
Why don't you just ask her?
11
00:00:26,493 --> 00:00:28,613
Sit her down and have an
honest conversation with her?
12
00:00:28,638 --> 00:00:30,540
Grow up, mate! Look it up, BDSM.
13
00:00:30,541 --> 00:00:33,565
"My bondage and my freedom,"
I recognise that.
14
00:00:36,473 --> 00:00:37,496
What the hell!
15
00:00:37,497 --> 00:00:40,481
Cor, Rem Dogg, your mum's putting
a lot of strain on that harness.
16
00:00:41,533 --> 00:00:44,481
Maybe she thinks I'm a prude.
Have I driven her to this?
17
00:00:44,681 --> 00:00:46,521
Calm down, Sir.
Here's what you need to do.
18
00:00:48,529 --> 00:00:52,473
Alfie, I don't remember
inviting you.
19
00:00:54,489 --> 00:00:58,528
So, before we plunge in,
maybe the newest
20
00:00:58,529 --> 00:01:03,497
member of our clandestine cabal
could introduce himself.
21
00:01:04,537 --> 00:01:06,501
We'll be gentle.
22
00:01:07,553 --> 00:01:09,496
Phew!
23
00:01:09,497 --> 00:01:10,560
Hi, I'm Alfie.
24
00:01:10,561 --> 00:01:14,540
I am into fetish play, er,
light spanking and threesomes.
25
00:01:14,541 --> 00:01:16,500
If another dude's involved,
26
00:01:16,501 --> 00:01:19,480
then preferably Rosie would be
holding my hand.
27
00:01:19,481 --> 00:01:21,564
I brought a paddle and er,
remember, guys,
28
00:01:21,565 --> 00:01:25,485
dorm rules, it's not gay
if there's no eye contact.
29
00:01:28,557 --> 00:01:32,472
Well, this fortnight
we read My Bondage and My Freedom,
30
00:01:32,473 --> 00:01:36,564
a heart-wrenching account of slavery
by Frederick Douglass.
31
00:01:36,565 --> 00:01:38,540
BDSM?
32
00:01:38,541 --> 00:01:41,477
Book Discussion Society, Magdalene.
33
00:01:43,561 --> 00:01:46,481
I'll go.
34
00:01:47,521 --> 00:01:50,493
Oh, my God!
35
00:02:21,545 --> 00:02:26,484
So, it turns out My Bondage
and My Freedom is a book.
36
00:02:26,485 --> 00:02:29,476
By Frederick Douglass!
I knew I recognised it.
37
00:02:29,477 --> 00:02:31,488
In the nick of time!
38
00:02:31,489 --> 00:02:33,548
Now Miss Gulliver's staying
with a friend
39
00:02:33,549 --> 00:02:36,504
and I know it's that
douche bag Orlando.
40
00:02:36,505 --> 00:02:40,472
Listen, Sam Cam, whining like a
bitch ain't going to make it better.
41
00:02:40,473 --> 00:02:42,496
But revenge might. Where's Mitchell?
42
00:02:42,497 --> 00:02:43,548
I'm going to mess him up.
43
00:02:43,549 --> 00:02:45,524
With your spanking paddle?
44
00:02:45,525 --> 00:02:48,560
Oi, everyone, listen up, I've got
some news. I'm leaving Abbey Grove.
45
00:02:48,561 --> 00:02:51,568
What?
Did UKIP set fire to your caravan?
46
00:02:51,569 --> 00:02:54,512
No.
Why does everyone think I'm a gypo?
47
00:02:54,513 --> 00:02:56,508
I'm leaving cos my dad's
fairground's been
48
00:02:56,509 --> 00:02:57,548
shut down by the council.
49
00:02:57,549 --> 00:02:59,488
TBH, your fair is a bit shit.
50
00:02:59,489 --> 00:03:01,492
None of your dad's air rifles
shoot straight.
51
00:03:01,493 --> 00:03:02,813
Tell that to the cashier at HSBC.
52
00:03:02,838 --> 00:03:04,548
Going to pretend I didn't hear that.
53
00:03:04,549 --> 00:03:07,488
You could still come to school.
Not that I give a shit.
54
00:03:07,489 --> 00:03:09,488
What if Abbey Grove became
a boarding school,
55
00:03:09,489 --> 00:03:11,609
you could stay in a dormitory like
I did at my school?
56
00:03:11,634 --> 00:03:14,662
Cheers, Spanky, but I'd rather not
be gangbanged by the quidditch team.
57
00:03:15,561 --> 00:03:18,520
This is bullshit! There must be
a way of keeping you here.
58
00:03:18,521 --> 00:03:22,492
Fraser, we need to turn
the playground into a paddock.
59
00:03:22,493 --> 00:03:24,548
Well, we do need dollar,
dollar is what we need.
60
00:03:24,549 --> 00:03:26,568
But fear not,
I have a new initiative.
61
00:03:26,569 --> 00:03:28,536
I'm renting out rooms after school.
62
00:03:28,537 --> 00:03:31,488
The library is being
used by Miss Gulliver's book group.
63
00:03:31,489 --> 00:03:34,488
Oh. I told her it might be double
booked, but she-cracked the whip.
64
00:03:34,489 --> 00:03:37,508
"Wpssh"! Please stop.
The safe word's, "Banter."
65
00:03:37,509 --> 00:03:39,529
Banter. Consider me gagged and bound.
66
00:03:41,521 --> 00:03:45,500
A Mr Hitchell Marper is
renting out the school
67
00:03:45,501 --> 00:03:47,544
hall for a retirement party. Right.
68
00:03:47,545 --> 00:03:50,500
And I bagsied
the gym for my larping crew.
69
00:03:50,501 --> 00:03:52,528
Larping? Live action role play.
70
00:03:52,529 --> 00:03:55,516
Picture a ragtag gang of shaggers
71
00:03:55,517 --> 00:03:59,500
and legends doing battle dressed
as dwarfs, orcs, elves and wizards.
72
00:03:59,501 --> 00:04:01,536
Legends? Shaggers?
73
00:04:01,537 --> 00:04:03,500
Do you want in?
74
00:04:03,501 --> 00:04:05,480
I think I'll give it a miss.
75
00:04:05,481 --> 00:04:07,561
Larping came in on my bucket list
just below drinking
76
00:04:07,586 --> 00:04:09,560
a gallon of urine or
dying of leprosy.
77
00:04:09,561 --> 00:04:12,480
But I've told the lads
all about you,
78
00:04:12,481 --> 00:04:14,488
they're desperate to
meet my best friend.
79
00:04:14,489 --> 00:04:15,552
Er, best friend?
80
00:04:15,553 --> 00:04:17,548
OK.
81
00:04:17,549 --> 00:04:21,480
You know all that paperwork
winging its way down from Tory HQ?
82
00:04:21,481 --> 00:04:24,516
The 25-page document I need to
complete on making the kids'
83
00:04:24,517 --> 00:04:26,553
handwriting look more British?
84
00:04:29,513 --> 00:04:31,564
I will make that form
and all the others disappear
85
00:04:31,565 --> 00:04:33,532
if you get your larp on.
86
00:04:33,533 --> 00:04:35,504
Why are you whispering?
87
00:04:35,505 --> 00:04:37,533
I think Gove had the room bugged.
88
00:04:39,561 --> 00:04:41,549
Sneaky!
89
00:04:44,505 --> 00:04:45,625
Love in the Time of Cholera.
90
00:04:45,650 --> 00:04:48,508
Sounds like our mini
break in Morocco.
91
00:04:48,509 --> 00:04:51,564
One mouthful of shower water,
then boom! Remember?
92
00:04:51,565 --> 00:04:53,548
Fondly.
93
00:04:53,549 --> 00:04:55,521
Can we talk?
94
00:04:57,477 --> 00:04:59,524
I've got to read this.
For your "book club"?
95
00:04:59,525 --> 00:05:01,568
Ugh, don't do inverted commas,
it IS a book club.
96
00:05:01,569 --> 00:05:03,536
Why is it being held in the library?
97
00:05:03,537 --> 00:05:06,536
Because I wanted to support
Fraser's new scheme.
98
00:05:06,537 --> 00:05:08,556
And I didn't want to
have it at ours.
99
00:05:08,557 --> 00:05:10,556
What, because you're ashamed of me?
100
00:05:10,557 --> 00:05:14,500
Look, I don't normally care what
people think about us, but I
101
00:05:14,501 --> 00:05:17,480
just had to convince my ex-boyfriend
I'm not going out with a gimp.
102
00:05:17,481 --> 00:05:21,520
Orlando! "Ooh, look at me,
I'm so vintage, I've got a pager."
103
00:05:21,521 --> 00:05:25,476
He's a doctor. He's a dick!
And, anyway, Orlando isn't even...
104
00:05:25,477 --> 00:05:26,717
What kind of a name is Orlando?
105
00:05:26,742 --> 00:05:30,512
I mean, where was he conceived,
the log flume at Disneyworld?
106
00:05:30,513 --> 00:05:32,532
He was named after
a book by Virginia Woolf.
107
00:05:32,533 --> 00:05:34,556
'Course he was. Don't be intimidated.
108
00:05:34,557 --> 00:05:37,496
Um, who's afraid of Virginia Woolf?
109
00:05:37,497 --> 00:05:39,528
Sorry, I can't work out
if you're joking.
110
00:05:39,529 --> 00:05:43,568
I am joking. Look, please,
please give me a second chance.
111
00:05:43,569 --> 00:05:45,528
I'll come to the book group tonight.
112
00:05:45,529 --> 00:05:47,556
But you hate reading
and it's in six hours,
113
00:05:47,557 --> 00:05:50,472
it took you a year to finish
Charlotte's Web.
114
00:05:50,473 --> 00:05:52,536
Oh, you watch me,
I am going to prove that I am
115
00:05:52,537 --> 00:05:56,569
just as good as any of those smug,
judgmental, dweeby, Oxbridge shits...
116
00:05:58,529 --> 00:06:00,517
..who are your good friends.
117
00:06:05,517 --> 00:06:08,564
Right, change of plan -
I won't be teaching you today.
118
00:06:08,565 --> 00:06:12,484
You guys can get on with these
personal statements whilst
119
00:06:12,485 --> 00:06:14,508
I speed-read this dumb book.
120
00:06:14,509 --> 00:06:17,480
Love in the Time of Cholera,
is it like Slumdog?
121
00:06:17,481 --> 00:06:19,484
No, it's South American, I think.
122
00:06:19,485 --> 00:06:20,645
Oh, sweet, is there a cartel?
123
00:06:20,670 --> 00:06:24,544
I hope so, cos thus far this book has
been about as dry as a camel's fanny.
124
00:06:24,545 --> 00:06:27,528
"Where do you see
yourself in five years?"
125
00:06:27,529 --> 00:06:29,480
How are we meant to answer that?
126
00:06:29,481 --> 00:06:32,504
Easy - treading the boards,
crunching the numbers, on the dole,
127
00:06:32,505 --> 00:06:34,480
in the clink and...
128
00:06:34,481 --> 00:06:35,520
Up the duff!
129
00:06:35,521 --> 00:06:37,528
No. Working as a qualified
beautician.
130
00:06:37,529 --> 00:06:39,568
Who may or may not be pregnant.
131
00:06:39,569 --> 00:06:41,565
Don't worry, Sir, we'll be careful.
132
00:06:43,481 --> 00:06:45,520
Just remember, kids,
in five years' time,
133
00:06:45,521 --> 00:06:48,560
when you leave university,
there will nothing holding you back.
134
00:06:48,561 --> 00:06:52,488
Except for a mountain of unpayable
lifelong crippling debt.
135
00:06:52,489 --> 00:06:55,568
So be ambitious, children!
Remember, the sky's the limit.
136
00:06:55,569 --> 00:06:57,540
How do you spell celebrity?
137
00:06:57,541 --> 00:06:59,488
Ah, gosh!
138
00:06:59,489 --> 00:07:02,009
Oi, Stephen, can I borrow a gel pen?
What scent, cherry or lime?
139
00:07:02,034 --> 00:07:03,508
Whatever.
140
00:07:03,509 --> 00:07:06,513
Oh, oh, it's a mouse!
141
00:07:07,565 --> 00:07:09,564
Somebody kill it.
Somebody get it for me!
142
00:07:09,565 --> 00:07:12,536
Mitchell? Well, it's me last day,
Sir, so I did a few pranks.
143
00:07:12,537 --> 00:07:14,476
Ah, you scamp!
144
00:07:14,477 --> 00:07:15,532
Calm down, Stephen.
145
00:07:15,533 --> 00:07:18,536
Remember, it's more afraid of you
than you are of it.
146
00:07:18,537 --> 00:07:20,508
Why do you even have a mouse?
147
00:07:20,509 --> 00:07:22,488
I feed 'em to my snake.
148
00:07:22,489 --> 00:07:24,497
Oh, shit!
149
00:07:26,485 --> 00:07:27,525
It's a snake!
150
00:07:29,489 --> 00:07:32,489
Calm down, Sir. It's more afraid of
you than you are of it.
151
00:07:36,537 --> 00:07:38,500
Pizza?
152
00:07:38,501 --> 00:07:41,556
I like this Mitchell prank. He
ordered 200 on the school account.
153
00:07:41,557 --> 00:07:43,536
How far have you got?
154
00:07:43,537 --> 00:07:45,548
Page five!
155
00:07:45,549 --> 00:07:48,472
I'll look like an idiot
tonight at the book group
156
00:07:48,473 --> 00:07:50,484
and Miss Gulliver's going to end up
157
00:07:50,485 --> 00:07:53,528
shagging Orlando
in his... sex library.
158
00:07:53,529 --> 00:07:55,476
Can I help?
159
00:07:55,477 --> 00:07:57,496
I can read a chapter for you,
if you like.
160
00:07:57,497 --> 00:07:59,516
I wish you could, but I'd need, like,
161
00:07:59,517 --> 00:08:01,557
15 yous to read
the whole bloody thing.
162
00:08:03,477 --> 00:08:04,877
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
163
00:08:04,902 --> 00:08:06,548
Yes, I am! Cloning!
164
00:08:06,549 --> 00:08:08,492
Book pool!
165
00:08:08,493 --> 00:08:10,533
Yeah, you're right,
book pool is a much better idea.
166
00:08:10,558 --> 00:08:13,560
Everyone in the class can read one
chapter each. Gather the team!
167
00:08:13,561 --> 00:08:15,508
Where are you going?
168
00:08:15,509 --> 00:08:17,749
To tell the librarian to get her
sweet little 70-year-old
169
00:08:17,774 --> 00:08:20,568
ass down to Waterstones pronto
cos Love in the Time of Cholera
170
00:08:20,569 --> 00:08:23,561
has just been put
on the goddamn syllabus.
171
00:08:31,545 --> 00:08:35,552
What you doing tonight?
It's just my leaving party.
172
00:08:35,553 --> 00:08:37,540
Can you come?
173
00:08:37,541 --> 00:08:40,477
I don't know, innit. Maybe.
174
00:08:41,561 --> 00:08:47,521
Look, I just wondered if you
fancied, no, if you had a type...
175
00:08:49,509 --> 00:08:51,508
..of pizza what you go for?
176
00:08:51,509 --> 00:08:54,508
Yeah. Every girl's got their type.
177
00:08:54,509 --> 00:08:56,520
See, I like my pizzas well hot..
178
00:08:56,521 --> 00:08:57,556
Yeah.
179
00:08:57,557 --> 00:08:59,544
..With lots of dough. All right.
180
00:08:59,545 --> 00:09:02,492
Minimum, 12 inches.
181
00:09:02,493 --> 00:09:04,528
Oh. What have their own car
182
00:09:04,529 --> 00:09:07,541
and don't live in a shitty caravan
with their fam... fam.
183
00:09:10,549 --> 00:09:12,565
I don't think Dominos do that one.
184
00:09:18,489 --> 00:09:21,520
What about our personal statements?
185
00:09:21,521 --> 00:09:23,544
Park those,
this is way more important!
186
00:09:23,545 --> 00:09:26,540
Right, Jing, you'll take
chapter two. Stephen, chapter three.
187
00:09:26,541 --> 00:09:29,504
Mitchell, chapter four.
Chantelle, chapter five.
188
00:09:29,505 --> 00:09:32,480
And Joe's going to bring it on home
with the anchor leg.
189
00:09:32,481 --> 00:09:33,681
Only if you help me out first.
190
00:09:33,706 --> 00:09:36,512
Fine, but I won't lie in court
and I refuse to handle stolen goods.
191
00:09:36,513 --> 00:09:38,633
Cleo's Peng and this party's
the last opportunity I'll
192
00:09:38,658 --> 00:09:41,516
have to pull her, but she thinks I'm
as sexy as a shit in a lift.
193
00:09:41,517 --> 00:09:44,504
With a turn of phrase like that,
I'm amazed she can resist you!
194
00:09:44,505 --> 00:09:45,825
I'll help you, babe! We all will.
195
00:09:45,850 --> 00:09:48,488
I've seen this a million times -
boy wants girl way
196
00:09:48,489 --> 00:09:50,969
out of his league, it's got
Super Sweet 16 written all over it.
197
00:09:50,994 --> 00:09:53,492
Stephen's right, you have to
look your best tonight.
198
00:09:53,493 --> 00:09:55,853
Don't take this wrong,
but does your dad have a court suit?
199
00:09:55,878 --> 00:09:58,560
Yeah, used to be his lucky suit.
What happened? Got found guilty.
200
00:09:58,561 --> 00:10:00,532
Perfect, so he won't be needing it.
201
00:10:00,533 --> 00:10:03,504
If you're going for the suit,
you might as well go the whole hog.
202
00:10:03,505 --> 00:10:05,548
As the toilet attendants do say,
no spray, no lay.
203
00:10:05,549 --> 00:10:07,556
Where am I going to find
pepper spray?
204
00:10:07,557 --> 00:10:09,528
What? No! Aftershave.
205
00:10:09,529 --> 00:10:11,769
To stand a chance with Cleo,
this party has to be fierce,
206
00:10:11,794 --> 00:10:14,524
I'm talking hot tub!
Not going to happen. Strippers!
207
00:10:14,525 --> 00:10:16,516
No way! Vodka Luge? It's a school.
208
00:10:16,517 --> 00:10:17,677
Lap dancers. You're obsessed.
209
00:10:17,702 --> 00:10:21,492
You better be there tonight,
Dickers, bring the ball and chain.
210
00:10:21,493 --> 00:10:22,813
And the gag and the whip, oi, oi!
211
00:10:25,537 --> 00:10:29,512
Oh, Jesus! Are you wearing
anything underneath that?
212
00:10:29,513 --> 00:10:31,488
Does talcum powder count?
213
00:10:31,489 --> 00:10:32,524
Definitely not.
214
00:10:32,525 --> 00:10:34,512
Then no,
I am as naked as the day I was
215
00:10:34,513 --> 00:10:36,673
arrested in Bensons for Beds trying
out a double divan.
216
00:10:36,698 --> 00:10:40,472
I sleep nude, I'm not going to make
an ill-informed purchase.
217
00:10:40,473 --> 00:10:42,496
Look, Fraser, about the larping...
218
00:10:42,497 --> 00:10:45,492
The look on my friends' faces
when they found out you're real.
219
00:10:45,493 --> 00:10:47,573
I can't come. I really have to go
to this book group.
220
00:10:47,598 --> 00:10:51,484
But Malcolm and Philip,
they're expecting you. I'm sorry.
221
00:10:51,485 --> 00:10:53,524
Ugh, very well then.
222
00:10:53,525 --> 00:10:56,520
The last of Gove's initiatives.
223
00:10:56,521 --> 00:10:58,552
He wants the pupils to
write with quills.
224
00:10:58,553 --> 00:11:01,552
Oh, all those boxes to tick
and look,
225
00:11:01,553 --> 00:11:04,517
a 30-page guide on how to
pluck a goose.
226
00:11:06,521 --> 00:11:08,492
I'll come for five minutes.
227
00:11:08,493 --> 00:11:10,477
Thanks, Alf, you won't regret it.
228
00:11:12,477 --> 00:11:13,568
Your bin's there.
229
00:11:13,569 --> 00:11:15,509
It used to be there.
230
00:11:21,561 --> 00:11:26,480
Philip, Malcolm,
meet my best friend.
231
00:11:26,481 --> 00:11:30,525
Salutations, Alfred! Nice costume.
232
00:11:32,533 --> 00:11:35,484
Thanks. Fraser picked it out for me.
233
00:11:35,485 --> 00:11:38,508
I was busy being a fully
functioning member of society.
234
00:11:38,509 --> 00:11:44,516
The hobbit possesses a tongue
forged of fire. You jest nimbly.
235
00:11:44,517 --> 00:11:47,561
If only he'd lavished similar
care on his costume.
236
00:11:49,485 --> 00:11:52,528
Indeed, Philip,
a very sloppy Hobbit.
237
00:11:52,529 --> 00:11:54,480
Right, I mean I am here.
238
00:11:54,481 --> 00:11:57,528
I spotted the mistake as soon as
he walked through yon portal.
239
00:11:57,529 --> 00:12:00,496
Pray tell, Philip.
Tell thee I shall, fair Malcolm.
240
00:12:00,497 --> 00:12:02,532
Are you two like medieval
Chuckle Brothers?
241
00:12:02,533 --> 00:12:06,476
The ears, Sirrah. In real life,
the Halfling does not have a
242
00:12:06,477 --> 00:12:08,500
pointed helix.
243
00:12:08,501 --> 00:12:10,520
Did he just say "in real life"?
244
00:12:10,521 --> 00:12:13,560
It's like Comic-Con all over again.
245
00:12:13,561 --> 00:12:15,504
Mm.
246
00:12:15,505 --> 00:12:18,569
Come brother,
let us high to the mead.
247
00:12:23,561 --> 00:12:27,501
They may be the biggest twats I've
ever met in my entire life.
248
00:12:32,505 --> 00:12:33,585
What happened at Comic-Con?
249
00:12:33,610 --> 00:12:36,564
Oh, nothing much. I bought us
all tickets and we went as Sylvian
250
00:12:36,565 --> 00:12:40,564
elf archers and I stupidly turned up
with a longbow of Lothorian.
251
00:12:40,565 --> 00:12:44,484
They were well within their rights
to send me home, to England.
252
00:12:44,485 --> 00:12:46,568
To England? Where was Comic-Con?
253
00:12:46,569 --> 00:12:48,500
San Diego.
254
00:12:48,501 --> 00:12:50,504
Hark!
255
00:12:50,505 --> 00:12:52,552
We must journey to the Dark Mountain
256
00:12:52,553 --> 00:12:56,536
and there do battle with
Lord Gorath's dragon legion.
257
00:12:56,537 --> 00:12:58,541
Cool! I'm going to nip for a shit.
258
00:13:02,545 --> 00:13:07,556
Poor Fraser. Abandoned
at the battlefield by his only ally.
259
00:13:07,557 --> 00:13:13,528
I'm coming back and when I do I'm
going to make it rain, bitches!
260
00:13:13,529 --> 00:13:15,569
Hobbits can't cast weather spells.
261
00:13:17,481 --> 00:13:18,545
Dick!
262
00:13:20,537 --> 00:13:23,488
Joe, where the
hell are those summaries?
263
00:13:23,489 --> 00:13:25,548
I needed to be in that book group
five minutes ago.
264
00:13:25,549 --> 00:13:27,485
I'm collecting them right now.
265
00:13:28,521 --> 00:13:31,472
That's your dad's suit? What was he
found guilty of,
266
00:13:31,473 --> 00:13:32,500
crimes against fashion?
267
00:13:32,501 --> 00:13:34,521
Could say that, he robbed
a River Island.
268
00:13:35,525 --> 00:13:37,532
I need to give these to Alfie.
269
00:13:37,533 --> 00:13:41,480
Nah, doing a crate escape, mate,
you got to drink your way out.
270
00:13:41,481 --> 00:13:42,549
I can't let him down.
271
00:13:44,481 --> 00:13:45,529
Pass me a beer.
272
00:13:47,529 --> 00:13:49,544
I mean, the plot is so elegant.
273
00:13:49,545 --> 00:13:51,524
Fermina marries the wrong man,
274
00:13:51,525 --> 00:13:56,524
so Florentino has to
wait 50 years to be with her.
275
00:13:56,525 --> 00:14:03,472
Sorry, um, retarde to the
bibliotheque. I bought hummus.
276
00:14:03,473 --> 00:14:05,556
Well, that's better than last
week's offering.
277
00:14:05,557 --> 00:14:07,500
Bit uncalled for.
278
00:14:07,501 --> 00:14:08,661
So, do we all have our books?
279
00:14:08,686 --> 00:14:11,556
I thought I'd take a back-seat to
start with, you know,
280
00:14:11,557 --> 00:14:13,492
just get my bearings.
281
00:14:13,493 --> 00:14:15,556
Yeah, that's a good idea.
Just, just take your time.
282
00:14:15,557 --> 00:14:19,504
Were we all satisfied
by the narrative's denouement?
283
00:14:19,505 --> 00:14:22,536
Well, I thought it was
beautifully bittersweet.
284
00:14:22,537 --> 00:14:24,564
If there's one thing
I know about Rosie,
285
00:14:24,565 --> 00:14:27,497
she abhors a Hollywood ending.
286
00:14:28,561 --> 00:14:30,552
I do!
287
00:14:30,553 --> 00:14:32,516
Yeah, well she enjoyed Frozen.
288
00:14:32,517 --> 00:14:34,677
Maybe you don't know
Rosie as well as you think you do.
289
00:14:34,702 --> 00:14:36,488
People change, mate.
290
00:14:36,489 --> 00:14:40,512
Or maybe they don't,
as Marquez posits.
291
00:14:40,513 --> 00:14:43,484
Would you care to
expand on that hypothesis?
292
00:14:43,485 --> 00:14:48,492
Um, yes. Yeah. Watch me expand.
293
00:14:48,493 --> 00:14:55,556
The author,
old Gabriella Garcia Marquezeria.
294
00:14:55,557 --> 00:14:59,476
Gabriel Garcia Marquez.
295
00:14:59,477 --> 00:15:02,497
Whatever! You say potato,
I say frittata.
296
00:15:04,485 --> 00:15:07,472
You know what, why don't we start
at the beginning of the book
297
00:15:07,473 --> 00:15:09,560
rather than the end,
wouldn't that be more logical?
298
00:15:09,561 --> 00:15:13,484
Yeah, yeah, that's fine with me,
yeah. Wise old dude's with me.
299
00:15:13,485 --> 00:15:15,472
What's that old saying people have?
300
00:15:15,473 --> 00:15:16,793
"Don't judge a book by its cover,
301
00:15:16,818 --> 00:15:21,786
"but do judge a book by the first
seven pages."
302
00:15:35,541 --> 00:15:39,520
No, er, one more thing...
303
00:15:39,521 --> 00:15:43,540
..why aren't more books printed in
Comic Sans?
304
00:15:43,541 --> 00:15:46,556
OK, I think we've covered
the first seven pages of the book
305
00:15:46,557 --> 00:15:48,504
pretty thoroughly.
306
00:15:48,505 --> 00:15:52,480
Why don't we, we move on? Let's
discuss the novel's message.
307
00:15:52,481 --> 00:15:55,556
Ah, well, the text's thematic
paradigm is a simple one.
308
00:15:55,557 --> 00:15:57,492
Love never dies.
309
00:15:57,493 --> 00:15:59,524
Unless it catches cholera, burn!
310
00:15:59,525 --> 00:16:04,488
And two lovers may part, but their
hearts will always beat as one.
311
00:16:04,489 --> 00:16:09,548
Yeah, well, that's weird, because I
read the exact opposite in the text.
312
00:16:09,549 --> 00:16:15,568
I read that, you know, she made
a mistake, so move on, mate.
313
00:16:15,569 --> 00:16:18,520
Well isn't that completely
contradictory?
314
00:16:18,521 --> 00:16:21,532
Literature's subjective, Orlando,
there is no right and wrong.
315
00:16:21,533 --> 00:16:24,544
Yeah, thanks old friend.
It's a Catch-24.
316
00:16:24,545 --> 00:16:27,532
Alfie,
you have read the end of the book?
317
00:16:27,533 --> 00:16:31,528
Yeah. Yeah, read the end,
and the beginning, and the middle.
318
00:16:31,529 --> 00:16:34,520
So, what specifically did you
think about the end?
319
00:16:34,521 --> 00:16:39,520
Um, well, well, well, well, well,
very good question.
320
00:16:39,521 --> 00:16:44,480
Um, the main guy is called Fernando
and it's a love story,
321
00:16:44,481 --> 00:16:47,532
so do we all think that's why,
on Take Me Out,
322
00:16:47,533 --> 00:16:50,484
they called it
the Isle of Fernandos?
323
00:16:50,485 --> 00:16:52,504
He's called Florentino. Shit!
324
00:16:52,505 --> 00:16:54,568
Maybe we should take
a comfort break.
325
00:16:54,569 --> 00:16:57,552
Great idea.
Someone's bladder's not up to it!
326
00:16:57,553 --> 00:17:00,536
I'm going to go and er,
smoke a Gauloises.
327
00:17:00,537 --> 00:17:05,496
Oh, and Orlando, BT dubs,
if you're going to go drop the kids
328
00:17:05,497 --> 00:17:09,540
off at the pool, just remember
that's your arse, that's your elbow.
329
00:17:09,541 --> 00:17:11,548
Alfie, you're on fire.
330
00:17:11,549 --> 00:17:13,472
Thanks, babe!
331
00:17:13,473 --> 00:17:15,516
No, no, you're on fire.
332
00:17:15,517 --> 00:17:17,477
What? Oh, shit!
333
00:17:18,553 --> 00:17:20,561
Didn't like that scarf anyway, so...
334
00:17:26,541 --> 00:17:30,533
Joe, where have you been?
Have you been drinking?
335
00:17:34,473 --> 00:17:36,517
Ah, just give me
the chapter summaries.
336
00:17:38,501 --> 00:17:39,556
Relax, Sir, have a beer.
337
00:17:39,557 --> 00:17:42,488
No, I've got to get back to
this book group.
338
00:17:42,489 --> 00:17:46,489
But, Sir, it's my leaving party!
OK, one, but it's got to be quick.
339
00:17:50,537 --> 00:17:53,492
Alf? Alf? Alf, there you are.
340
00:17:53,493 --> 00:17:55,500
Where's your costume?
341
00:17:55,501 --> 00:17:56,556
Fraser, the book club...
342
00:17:56,557 --> 00:17:59,548
Malcolm and Philip said you'd
bailed on me. I didn't believe them.
343
00:17:59,549 --> 00:18:02,520
I'm not bailing, it's just...
No, don't worry. I understand.
344
00:18:02,521 --> 00:18:05,500
Malcolm and Philip got to you,
I know, they're right,
345
00:18:05,501 --> 00:18:09,485
you're not my friend
and you think I'm a loser, too.
346
00:18:17,509 --> 00:18:19,485
Calm down, mate, it's non-contact!
347
00:18:20,497 --> 00:18:22,524
Yah!
348
00:18:22,525 --> 00:18:24,564
Isn't this amazing?
349
00:18:24,565 --> 00:18:26,536
Yeah, it's all right I suppose.
350
00:18:26,537 --> 00:18:29,540
Oh, that hobgoblin you nailed think
he's going to be blinded for life.
351
00:18:29,541 --> 00:18:31,561
You might want to go
easy on the gouging!
352
00:18:33,521 --> 00:18:36,481
Whoop, whoop, it's
the bellend patrol!
353
00:18:37,545 --> 00:18:40,520
Whoa, put your phone away,
it's historically inaccurate.
354
00:18:40,521 --> 00:18:43,500
Last month, Phil and Malc caught me
wearing a digital wristwatch.
355
00:18:43,501 --> 00:18:45,524
They quite rightly
punished my blooper by making me
356
00:18:45,525 --> 00:18:47,492
sit in a barrel for five hours.
357
00:18:47,493 --> 00:18:49,774
My doctor thinks I'm going to have
back problems for life.
358
00:18:49,799 --> 00:18:52,480
I'm sorry, Fraser, I've
got to get back.
359
00:18:52,481 --> 00:18:55,473
But Alf, I'm outnumbered!
I'm sorry.
360
00:19:07,565 --> 00:19:09,560
My notes, no peeking!
361
00:19:09,561 --> 00:19:13,560
Yes, I thought the plot might prove
too complex for some readers.
362
00:19:13,561 --> 00:19:16,476
Complex! A child could read it.
363
00:19:16,477 --> 00:19:18,488
But would a child understand it?
364
00:19:18,489 --> 00:19:19,529
Hopefully.
365
00:19:24,485 --> 00:19:26,508
Go and talk to Cleo.
366
00:19:26,509 --> 00:19:29,532
I'm going, I'm going. I just need to
be a bit more drunker.
367
00:19:29,533 --> 00:19:31,544
It's not as much fun
without Mr Wickers.
368
00:19:31,545 --> 00:19:33,496
Hope the book club's going well.
369
00:19:33,497 --> 00:19:35,476
I think I gave him some good ammo.
370
00:19:35,477 --> 00:19:39,500
Marquez views love
not as a sickness,
371
00:19:39,501 --> 00:19:42,500
but as an ontological phenomenon.
372
00:19:42,501 --> 00:19:47,484
The lovers exist within their own
relationship and,
373
00:19:47,485 --> 00:19:52,528
as we all know, the course of true
love never did run smooth.
374
00:19:52,529 --> 00:19:54,557
Oh! Wow!
375
00:19:56,537 --> 00:19:58,512
That was beautifully put.
376
00:19:58,513 --> 00:20:00,532
Well, that was kind of what
I was saying.
377
00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:02,516
Quote time!
378
00:20:02,517 --> 00:20:05,508
"The only regret I will have in dying
is if it is not for love."
379
00:20:05,509 --> 00:20:07,472
Florentino.
380
00:20:07,473 --> 00:20:09,492
Thank you.
381
00:20:09,493 --> 00:20:11,520
While we're on that theme, er, er,
382
00:20:11,521 --> 00:20:13,560
what did we all
make of Florentino's character?
383
00:20:13,561 --> 00:20:15,480
Well...
384
00:20:15,481 --> 00:20:17,484
I've got this one as well. Ssh!
385
00:20:17,485 --> 00:20:20,472
Well I thought the book was
totes obvious. Really?
386
00:20:20,473 --> 00:20:22,532
Er, hello! Come on, babe,
a tale as old as time.
387
00:20:22,533 --> 00:20:27,512
The lead character, Florentino,
is definitely gay.
388
00:20:27,513 --> 00:20:31,500
But he's in love with a woman.
389
00:20:31,501 --> 00:20:34,501
So was Ricky Martin.
390
00:20:35,557 --> 00:20:37,488
So what did you make of it?
391
00:20:37,489 --> 00:20:40,508
Well, I didn't have time to read it,
so I just took an educated guess.
392
00:20:40,509 --> 00:20:41,556
You made it up.
393
00:20:41,557 --> 00:20:43,512
He said it was set in South America,
394
00:20:43,513 --> 00:20:45,548
so I just thought two plus
two equals...
395
00:20:45,549 --> 00:20:48,536
A massive pile coke now
covered in the brains
396
00:20:48,537 --> 00:20:54,528
and blood of the cartel boss,
El Cajones Grandes,
397
00:20:54,529 --> 00:20:59,521
who'd just been shot in the back
of the head by Ross Kemp.
398
00:21:01,521 --> 00:21:03,560
Oh, you dick!
399
00:21:03,561 --> 00:21:05,528
What are you guys talking about?
400
00:21:05,529 --> 00:21:07,496
The book report.
401
00:21:07,497 --> 00:21:09,544
Oh, yeah,
when do you have to hand them in by?
402
00:21:09,545 --> 00:21:11,484
Joe already took them, babes.
403
00:21:11,485 --> 00:21:14,476
What? But they were our personal
statements, weren't they?
404
00:21:14,477 --> 00:21:18,508
Hang on, hang on, let me get this
straight - you think Fermina's
405
00:21:18,509 --> 00:21:20,589
motivation was not to be reunited
with her true love,
406
00:21:20,614 --> 00:21:25,536
but to open a nail salon in Chigwell
and save up for breast implants
407
00:21:25,537 --> 00:21:28,560
and then marry her teacher.
408
00:21:28,561 --> 00:21:31,488
Ye... yeah.
409
00:21:31,489 --> 00:21:32,516
Right.
410
00:21:32,517 --> 00:21:35,545
Well, shall we call it a night? Yes.
411
00:21:39,489 --> 00:21:43,520
Alfie, it's Fraser. I've cornered
Philip and Malcolm in the gents.
412
00:21:43,521 --> 00:21:45,521
Come and help me slay them.
413
00:21:47,497 --> 00:21:49,540
Thus the trap is set.
414
00:21:49,541 --> 00:21:55,564
We shall slay your deformed Hobbit
right here, in the stoolery.
415
00:21:55,565 --> 00:21:59,476
And what shall we do with this one?
416
00:21:59,477 --> 00:22:00,556
Fetch me the barrel.
417
00:22:00,557 --> 00:22:02,513
Huh! Good idea.
418
00:22:08,493 --> 00:22:11,476
Right, I'll fetch the barrel.
Yeah, yeah, cool.
419
00:22:11,477 --> 00:22:14,524
If it's any consolation,
I thought your version,
420
00:22:14,525 --> 00:22:18,472
with the strippers and the drug
dealers sounded pretty good.
421
00:22:18,473 --> 00:22:20,496
I've forced
her into the arms of her ex.
422
00:22:20,497 --> 00:22:25,516
Oh, er, listen, Rosie,
she just needs space.
423
00:22:25,517 --> 00:22:29,552
I want you to know that
nothing's happened.
424
00:22:29,553 --> 00:22:33,505
We don't know that, Richard.
425
00:22:34,521 --> 00:22:37,540
Alfie, let's have coffee tomorrow
and just talk everything through.
426
00:22:37,541 --> 00:22:41,472
Are you still OK to drive me
home, Richard? Yeah.
427
00:22:41,473 --> 00:22:43,793
Hey, Rich, make sure that snaky ex
doesn't follow her home.
428
00:22:43,818 --> 00:22:46,568
Er, Alfie, Richard is my ex.
429
00:22:46,569 --> 00:22:51,524
What? But he's a little old man.
430
00:22:51,525 --> 00:22:53,528
He was my lecturer at Oxford.
431
00:22:53,529 --> 00:22:55,560
Yeah, we used to walk together
through the woods,
432
00:22:55,561 --> 00:22:58,480
reciting poetry by heart.
433
00:22:58,481 --> 00:23:02,496
"A thing of beauty is a joy for
ever, its loveliness increases,
434
00:23:02,497 --> 00:23:04,540
"It will never pass into
nothingness,
435
00:23:04,541 --> 00:23:08,480
"But still will keep a bower
quiet for us."
436
00:23:08,481 --> 00:23:10,544
Mm. "My friend Billy had
a ten-foot willy
437
00:23:10,545 --> 00:23:13,512
"and showed it to the girl next door.
She thought it was a snake,
438
00:23:13,513 --> 00:23:16,484
"so she hit it with a rake
and now it's only six-foot-four."
439
00:23:16,485 --> 00:23:18,512
I've got rhymes too,
what of it, Brucey?
440
00:23:18,513 --> 00:23:21,520
Alfie, come on. Look, I just need
time. You want time? Mm-hm.
441
00:23:21,521 --> 00:23:23,560
And you're picking
the ticking clock over here?
442
00:23:23,561 --> 00:23:25,512
I'm not picking anything.
443
00:23:25,513 --> 00:23:28,517
I'm just saying that
I need some space to... to think!
444
00:23:33,501 --> 00:23:36,536
The course of true love never
did run smooth.
445
00:23:36,537 --> 00:23:38,533
Fuck off, Orlando.
446
00:23:49,561 --> 00:23:51,561
Right, now I'm ready.
447
00:23:55,549 --> 00:23:58,544
Oi, Cleo, look,
I just wanted to say that, right,
448
00:23:58,545 --> 00:24:02,512
I may not have a car or 12 inches,
449
00:24:02,513 --> 00:24:07,556
I'm probably about an eight minimum.
Wait, no, can I start again?
450
00:24:07,557 --> 00:24:11,481
If I kiss you, will you shut up?
451
00:24:12,513 --> 00:24:13,565
For ever.
452
00:24:19,553 --> 00:24:21,524
Fraser!
453
00:24:21,525 --> 00:24:24,484
Yah!
454
00:24:24,485 --> 00:24:30,521
Ah, trusting Hobbit,
prepare to taste orc and steel.
455
00:24:32,493 --> 00:24:34,489
It's a trap. Run, Alfie, run!
456
00:24:35,561 --> 00:24:39,485
I send thee to the spirit world.
457
00:24:44,505 --> 00:24:46,489
You're, you're meant to fall down.
458
00:24:53,561 --> 00:24:55,512
Hold your head back.
459
00:24:55,513 --> 00:24:57,512
We're going to report this, Fraser!
460
00:24:57,513 --> 00:24:59,556
Yes, you should report it,
461
00:24:59,557 --> 00:25:04,548
that two frost blood orc warriors
were slain by a sloppy Hobbit.
462
00:25:04,549 --> 00:25:07,549
Come on, Malc, Mum's waiting
to pick us up.
463
00:25:09,485 --> 00:25:11,512
She's staying at her ex's tonight.
464
00:25:11,513 --> 00:25:13,512
Miss Gulliver loves you, Alfie.
465
00:25:13,513 --> 00:25:15,633
Maybe she just needs some time to
realise why that is.
466
00:25:15,658 --> 00:25:18,496
Right nut sacks, I'm off.
467
00:25:18,497 --> 00:25:19,556
How did it go with Cleo?
468
00:25:19,557 --> 00:25:21,484
Amazing.
469
00:25:21,485 --> 00:25:24,472
She said I was the worst kisser
she's ever had and I got a lob on.
470
00:25:24,473 --> 00:25:26,553
TMI. But if I promised not to
brag about on Facebook,
471
00:25:26,578 --> 00:25:28,480
she said she'll go Nandos with me.
472
00:25:28,481 --> 00:25:31,532
Well done, mate,
I'm happy for you. We all are.
473
00:25:31,533 --> 00:25:33,568
Babe, we're going to miss you
so much.
474
00:25:33,569 --> 00:25:35,505
God, I hate goodbyes.
475
00:25:38,537 --> 00:25:42,500
Joe, mate, if I ever said mean
things to ya, it was just banter.
476
00:25:42,501 --> 00:25:45,500
The best thing you can do is grow
up, make loads of bunts,
477
00:25:45,501 --> 00:25:47,581
get a proper fit bird and make me
look like a Muppet.
478
00:25:49,561 --> 00:25:53,528
Dickers, I used to think there were
two types of teachers,
479
00:25:53,529 --> 00:25:55,536
the arseholes and the tragedies.
480
00:25:55,537 --> 00:25:57,480
You're an exception.
481
00:25:57,481 --> 00:25:59,961
If I saw you on the street,
I wouldn't shout obscenities at ya,
482
00:25:59,986 --> 00:26:03,548
I'd go for a pint with ya, and tell
you you was a twat to your face.
483
00:26:03,549 --> 00:26:05,528
Thank you, Mitchell.
484
00:26:05,529 --> 00:26:08,568
That's the most beautiful thing
anyone has ever said to me.
485
00:26:08,569 --> 00:26:11,552
I heard that posh people
are emotionally undernourished,
486
00:26:11,553 --> 00:26:13,560
but you are something else.
487
00:26:13,561 --> 00:26:17,524
Rem Dogg, this could be hard
seeing as you don't talk anymore,
488
00:26:17,525 --> 00:26:20,492
and I know you've become
a bit of a weirdo this term,
489
00:26:20,493 --> 00:26:21,853
but you'll always be me best mate.
490
00:26:24,477 --> 00:26:27,548
And when you're out of this phase,
you give me a bell, we'll go to
491
00:26:27,549 --> 00:26:30,545
Maccy D's, throw tampons at traffic
wardens, just like old times.
492
00:26:38,549 --> 00:26:40,497
Bye, guys.
493
00:26:48,509 --> 00:26:49,561
Mitchell?
494
00:26:52,501 --> 00:26:53,569
I love you!
495
00:26:57,505 --> 00:26:58,561
Ha-ha, gay!
496
00:27:02,598 --> 00:27:04,610
Oi, oi!
497
00:27:06,562 --> 00:27:08,629
Mr Wickers, we've received some
noise complaints.
498
00:27:08,630 --> 00:27:11,041
One last prank is it, Mitchell?
499
00:27:11,241 --> 00:27:13,653
Have I been a naughty boy, officer?
500
00:27:13,654 --> 00:27:16,626
Are you going to punish me
with your truncheon?
501
00:27:16,627 --> 00:27:17,450
Sir?
502
00:27:17,650 --> 00:27:19,602
Let's get this over and done with.
503
00:27:22,031 --> 00:27:24,026
Strippers don't wear Kevlar!
504
00:27:24,027 --> 00:27:26,031
You have the right to remain silent.
40254
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof