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1
00:00:09,200 --> 00:00:11,200
It's summer term, bitches!
2
00:00:12,200 --> 00:00:15,200
Rem Dogg, are you in drag?
He's gone emo.
3
00:00:15,400 --> 00:00:17,000
Oh, God!
4
00:00:17,200 --> 00:00:20,200
Now, how did the holiday
reading go, guys?
5
00:00:20,400 --> 00:00:22,000
What? I gave you Game Of Thrones.
6
00:00:22,200 --> 00:00:25,200
Why would we read a book
and ruin the fiercest TV show ever?
7
00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:27,000
And it's not on
the history syllabus.
8
00:00:27,200 --> 00:00:32,200
Well, it should be. It's basically
the Tudors with dragons and tits.
9
00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:33,000
Ooh!
10
00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:36,200
Ying, it would appear that you've
forgotten to do the register.
11
00:00:36,400 --> 00:00:39,200
"Once you enable me,
you negate me." Kierkegaard.
12
00:00:39,400 --> 00:00:41,000
Oh, wait a sec.
13
00:00:41,200 --> 00:00:44,000
Hollow eyes, black polo neck -
14
00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:48,200
I believe Ying is having a little
teenage existential crisis!
15
00:00:48,400 --> 00:00:50,000
You don't understand.
Oh, I do.
16
00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:53,200
My friend Atticus Hoy did this
on our leavers' trip to Normandy -
17
00:00:53,400 --> 00:00:54,000
read a book by a Frenchman,
18
00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:57,100
ended up head-butting a horse
just for the feeling.
19
00:00:57,199 --> 00:00:58,145
Which book?
20
00:01:01,200 --> 00:01:02,000
Asterix.
21
00:01:02,200 --> 00:01:04,200
Right, enough with
the doom and gloom.
22
00:01:04,400 --> 00:01:06,000
Krispy Kremes for one and all.
23
00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:10,200
Chantelle, I have prepared
ripostes for cream fillings,
24
00:01:10,400 --> 00:01:12,200
sticky rings and glazed muffin tops.
25
00:01:12,400 --> 00:01:14,000
I'm busy.
26
00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:17,200
Good! Well, that's the spirit.
Exam term, guys.
27
00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:22,980
Oh, God! He's in a hat.
Let's get this over with.
28
00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:26,600
He's doing a Britney!
29
00:01:26,800 --> 00:01:28,400
Are you ill or racist?
30
00:01:28,600 --> 00:01:30,000
I kept getting nits.
31
00:01:30,200 --> 00:01:33,200
Mum said this was the only way.
It's awful.
32
00:01:33,400 --> 00:01:36,000
It's not awful. I prefer it shaved.
33
00:01:36,200 --> 00:01:38,600
I'll take note of that.
I thought you were working.
34
00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:41,200
Couldn't resist. It's all right,
babe. Have a doughnut.
35
00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:44,000
I can't. I'm on a vegan diet.
36
00:01:44,200 --> 00:01:47,200
Guys, have you been kidnapped
by puberty?
37
00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:50,200
You've all... changed.
38
00:01:50,400 --> 00:01:52,000
W-W-Willy wanker.
39
00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:53,000
Right, my dad's just nicked an iPad
40
00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:56,200
so he's chucking out all his
old porn. Who wants what?
41
00:01:56,400 --> 00:01:58,200
Sweet Mitchell.
42
00:01:58,400 --> 00:01:59,200
My rock.
43
00:02:29,200 --> 00:02:31,000
What's this lame-ass meeting about?
44
00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:34,000
Fraser wants us
to meet the new deputy head.
45
00:02:34,200 --> 00:02:37,200
Hey, for our flat,
why don't we get a foosball table?
46
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Because we're not a student union.
47
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It'll be romantic.
48
00:02:40,200 --> 00:02:43,200
As an idea, I'm ranking this
alongside the hot tub
49
00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:45,000
or that Michael Buble doorbell.
50
00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:47,600
Fine. We won't buy a foosball table!
51
00:02:47,800 --> 00:02:50,000
I haven't bought a foosball table!
52
00:02:50,200 --> 00:02:53,200
Oh, I don't want to be a killjoy,
Alfie, but we've got bigger priorities.
53
00:02:53,400 --> 00:02:54,780
The flat is a complete mess.
54
00:02:54,980 --> 00:02:57,000
Talking of a complete mess,
you know my dad?
55
00:02:57,200 --> 00:03:00,984
Yes! You know the way that he
married a witch called Pro Green
56
00:03:01,084 --> 00:03:03,200
who ran off with all of his money
and now he's sleeping in his car?
57
00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:05,200
How do you feel about him
living with us? No!
58
00:03:05,400 --> 00:03:07,000
I mean... I mean, no.
59
00:03:07,200 --> 00:03:10,200
No, because your dad should
pick himself up
60
00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:12,000
and dust himself down,
61
00:03:12,200 --> 00:03:14,600
definitely change his clothes,
62
00:03:14,800 --> 00:03:17,200
and then find himself a new job.
63
00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:19,000
A job? My dad?
64
00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:21,850
He spends his days drinking alone
in Wetherspoons
65
00:03:22,050 --> 00:03:24,200
and his nights moving from lay-by to
lay-by trying not to get wanked on.
66
00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:28,200
He's a train wreck -
totally unemployable.
67
00:03:28,400 --> 00:03:30,200
Meet our new deputy head.
68
00:03:30,400 --> 00:03:32,200
Dad! Fraser, are you mad?
69
00:03:32,400 --> 00:03:34,000
Insania. You like the Andre?
70
00:03:34,200 --> 00:03:37,000
Roomies!
How about movie night tonight?
71
00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:39,600
You, me, Octopussy
and a keg of Bishops Finger.
72
00:03:39,800 --> 00:03:42,200
Did you already tell him
he could live with us?
73
00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:45,000
Um, no. He's probably been...
74
00:03:45,200 --> 00:03:47,200
Alf, what's the US Military motto?
75
00:03:47,400 --> 00:03:48,000
Don't ask, don't tell?
76
00:03:48,200 --> 00:03:50,888
No, that was the BBC's in the 1970s.
77
00:03:51,088 --> 00:03:54,101
It's, "Never leave a man behind," and
Pro Green left this man for dead.
78
00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:57,200
What? No, sorry.
He can't be my boss - he's my dad!
79
00:03:57,400 --> 00:03:59,000
In here I'm your colleague,
not your dad.
80
00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:02,200
Trust me, Mr Wickers,
our relationship won't affect
81
00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:04,200
the work environment one iota.
82
00:04:04,400 --> 00:04:05,000
This is SO cringe!
83
00:04:05,200 --> 00:04:07,000
Smoocher can't handle stress.
84
00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:10,200
Hm? One birthday,
at Studham Adventure Playground
85
00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:12,200
he lost his nerve on the zip wire.
86
00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:14,200
Wet himself above some picnickers.
87
00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:16,200
Ruined his 18th.
88
00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:19,100
How is this happening?
89
00:04:19,300 --> 00:04:21,000
Thank you, Mr Fraser!
90
00:04:21,200 --> 00:04:26,200
And thank you, everyone who's here.
Fornication as magical as today.
91
00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:29,200
Cool, budge up - there's a new
banterlope at the watering hole.
92
00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:32,200
This school is in financial
dire straits.
93
00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:35,200
It's in need of money for nothing.
94
00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:37,000
Oh! That's good!
95
00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:39,200
What about the fundraiser -
the teachers' auction?
96
00:04:39,400 --> 00:04:41,000
Yeah, I've raised 20 grand.
97
00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:43,200
I'm afraid it was poorly invested.
98
00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:47,200
I may have launched
a clothing range.
99
00:04:50,200 --> 00:04:51,200
Dodgy and Gebanter.
100
00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:56,200
We've taken on extra pupils
to secure more funding
101
00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:57,000
but it's not enough.
102
00:04:57,200 --> 00:05:01,200
Regretfully, we're going have to
lose a member of staff.
103
00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:04,000
Everyone is on redundancy review,
104
00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:07,100
from Mr Fraser downwards.
Yes. Sorry, what?
105
00:05:07,300 --> 00:05:10,200
The school can't just sack
a member of staff.
106
00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:12,200
I'll handle this, compadre. Rosie...
107
00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:18,200
...er, I'm sure, as a woman,
you were a huge fan of Mrs Thatcher.
108
00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:20,200
Oh, God. Martin did everything
he could, Miss G.
109
00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:22,200
I even looked into pawning my car.
110
00:05:22,400 --> 00:05:24,000
Don't sell the car!
111
00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:27,200
Then I'm afraid the worst-performing
teacher is for the chop.
112
00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:29,200
You won't get away with this.
113
00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:30,000
We are teachers.
114
00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:33,000
United we stand, divided we fall!
115
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:36,200
Yes! Hear, hear!
Yeah. What she said.
116
00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:40,000
Ooh, just a quick one.
117
00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:43,200
Would the school be able
to by a foosball table off me?
118
00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:44,200
A foosball table?
119
00:05:46,200 --> 00:05:47,200
No.
120
00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:56,000
Feel it, Chantelle.
So smooth! Did you Veet it?
121
00:05:56,200 --> 00:05:58,200
Love, you can't just pitch up
and dump your shit on me property.
122
00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:01,200
Gypsy king's changed his tune.
Shut up your noise.
123
00:06:01,400 --> 00:06:03,000
Whoa! Let's just calm down.
124
00:06:03,200 --> 00:06:05,000
Sir, she's disrupting the class.
125
00:06:05,200 --> 00:06:08,200
Well, that's the pot
calling the kettle bla...
126
00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:11,200
Go on, then, I dare you.
127
00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:12,200
Bl...
128
00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:18,200
A similar colour to itself. Huh, oh.
129
00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:19,000
And you are?
130
00:06:19,200 --> 00:06:22,200
Cleopatra.
Ooh, Cleopatra, coming atcha.
131
00:06:22,400 --> 00:06:24,000
Fuck off, Burglar Bill!
132
00:06:24,200 --> 00:06:27,000
Good, we'll put that one down to
first-day nerves.
133
00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:29,600
She's got a tongue on her.
What you say, Little Miss Gel Pen?
134
00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:32,200
Which skip did you find
that weave in? Bitch! Bin dipper!
135
00:06:32,400 --> 00:06:33,000
Guys! Please be quiet.
136
00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:36,200
- Don't touch my shit, yeah?
- What are you going to do about it?
137
00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:38,700
OK. Can we just sit down
and be quiet, please?
138
00:06:38,900 --> 00:06:41,200
Touch my shit, I will end you!
Split end you.
139
00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:43,200
Fight, fight, fight,
fight, fight! Guys!
140
00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:47,188
Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight!
141
00:06:47,388 --> 00:06:50,000
OK, unless you sit down
and shut up immediately,
142
00:06:50,200 --> 00:06:53,200
I will write down on the board
the name of a character
143
00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:55,200
who dies in Game Of Thrones
season five.
144
00:06:55,400 --> 00:06:57,000
Wouldn't dare.
Wouldn't I?
145
00:06:57,200 --> 00:06:59,200
- Give that back to me!
- Oi, get off!
146
00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:00,200
Right, R...
147
00:07:00,400 --> 00:07:01,000
Aargh!
148
00:07:01,200 --> 00:07:03,600
Oh, you silly prick!
149
00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:06,200
A... Ah! Oh, my God!
150
00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:12,600
Martin Wickers, stop right there.
151
00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:15,000
What the Charlie Dickens is that?
152
00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:19,200
The solution to all our money
problems. Behold the SegDesk.
153
00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:22,200
It's pending patent approval
but trust me -
154
00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:23,000
I'm standing on the next Dyson.
155
00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:27,200
Wonders never cease. Maybe you
should give up this teaching lark
156
00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:29,200
and become a full-time
bona-fide inventor.
157
00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:31,000
You know what? Maybe I sh...
158
00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:35,200
Hang on, I know what you're trying
to do you, sly old shit.
159
00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:37,000
Guilty as charged, m'lud.
160
00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:41,200
Anyway, sadly there's only one very
obvious candidate for redundancy.
161
00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:43,200
And he came from in your balls!
162
00:07:43,400 --> 00:07:45,200
He gosh-darn did.
163
00:07:46,143 --> 00:07:49,200
Yep, the school governors want me
to saddle up my ass
164
00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:51,000
and sacrifice my only son.
165
00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:53,200
I just pray Alfie can keep
that class under control.
166
00:07:53,400 --> 00:07:56,200
Man, what's wrong with
you? Hold him still.
167
00:07:57,200 --> 00:07:59,000
Fraser. Father.
168
00:07:59,200 --> 00:08:01,000
Ready for your appraisal, Smoocher?
169
00:08:01,200 --> 00:08:04,200
Yep, just as soon as I've washed
the word "twat" off my forehead.
170
00:08:07,200 --> 00:08:09,200
Yep, that should do it.
171
00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:19,200
Dad, you do realise, if you fire me
I won't be able to pay my rent.
172
00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:21,700
You'll be homeless
and back in that smelly car.
173
00:08:21,900 --> 00:08:25,450
Which is why it's important
that you stay focused.
174
00:08:25,650 --> 00:08:29,200
Right, um, Mr Wickers,
what's your biggest weakness?
175
00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:30,000
Honestly?
176
00:08:30,200 --> 00:08:35,200
This is a safe space. Please,
truthfully, your biggest weakness?
177
00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:37,000
Truthfully?
178
00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:39,200
Probably poppers.
179
00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:42,200
Every time.
180
00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:45,200
Miss Gulliver,
your biggest weakness?
181
00:08:47,200 --> 00:08:48,000
Nothing?
182
00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:50,000
What's unique about you?
183
00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:52,100
I'm completely blind in one eye.
184
00:08:52,300 --> 00:08:54,000
Yep, absolutely no depth of vision.
185
00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:57,000
The answer is, of course,
my unique sense of humour
186
00:08:57,200 --> 00:09:00,200
and with that, my work here is done.
Mr Fraser, can you sit back down?
187
00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:01,200
Yes, siree-bob.
188
00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:03,907
What's your greatest achievement?
189
00:09:04,107 --> 00:09:05,615
Nearly had a threesome on holiday.
190
00:09:05,815 --> 00:09:09,200
Oh, yes, you've rather lost touch
with Atticus Hoy and his brother.
191
00:09:09,400 --> 00:09:11,200
No! I meant on my gap year.
192
00:09:14,200 --> 00:09:16,000
My biggest regret?
193
00:09:16,200 --> 00:09:18,600
I used to say the N word at least
a hundred times a day.
194
00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:21,000
"N-word this, N-word that."
It was a real buzz-kill.
195
00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:24,200
And then one day, I vowed never again
to say the word N-O.
196
00:09:24,400 --> 00:09:27,000
The N word is "no"?
Yep!
197
00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:30,200
Since then, everyone at Abbey Grove
has been forbidden from ever
198
00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:31,520
saying the word "no" to anything.
199
00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:35,200
Except all of the girls.
200
00:09:37,200 --> 00:09:38,000
Oh, come on, Rosie.
201
00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:40,200
What's been your proudest moment
as a teacher?
202
00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:41,200
This!
203
00:09:46,200 --> 00:09:49,200
Describe yourself in one word.
Succeedophile.
204
00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:50,625
Sorry? You heard me right, madame.
205
00:09:50,825 --> 00:09:53,200
I am a massive, unrepentant
succeedophile.
206
00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:54,600
You'd better put
me on the goddamn
207
00:09:54,601 --> 00:09:56,200
register, sister, cos
I will reoffend.
208
00:09:57,200 --> 00:09:59,000
At succeeding.
209
00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:01,140
What's your greatest ambition?
210
00:10:02,857 --> 00:10:03,860
Probably another threesome.
211
00:10:04,060 --> 00:10:06,664
Let's rein in the honesty a tad,
shall we?
212
00:10:06,864 --> 00:10:10,200
Maybe your ambition is to get
some of your pupils into Oxbridge.
213
00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:11,745
Ha! Oxbridge!
214
00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:13,000
Never going to happen.
215
00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:18,200
Very good, Alf, but, er, there's
actually nothing wrong with Form K.
216
00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:19,200
I believe there have been tests.
217
00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:20,000
Many, many tests.
218
00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:24,600
And there may be some people who
believe the problem lies elsewhere
219
00:10:24,800 --> 00:10:29,200
and they're saying that you're
feckless, childish and incompetent.
220
00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:32,200
I'm not feckless!
I've got loads of feck!
221
00:10:32,400 --> 00:10:35,000
I'm a fecking motherfecker!
222
00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:37,200
So why don't you three just
back the feck off!
223
00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:39,397
You're not helping yourself.
224
00:10:39,597 --> 00:10:41,394
Wait! You WANT to fire me!
225
00:10:41,594 --> 00:10:43,000
Of course I don't want to fire you
226
00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:46,200
but you're leaving me
with no choice. I'm your son!
227
00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:49,200
Not at school, Mr Wickers.
We're colleagues.
228
00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:50,000
For now.
229
00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:52,200
Et tu, Father!
230
00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:57,000
The teachers of Abbey Grove
are on strike.
231
00:10:57,200 --> 00:11:00,200
We will not return to work
until you promise job security
232
00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:03,000
for every single member of staff!
233
00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:06,200
Alfie, don't go with her -
stay and fight for your job.
234
00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:08,000
Whose side are you on, Alfie?
235
00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:10,600
He's always been confused
about which side he's on.
236
00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:13,510
One minute he's holding hands
with Alice Plemons,
237
00:11:13,710 --> 00:11:16,421
the next I catch him
ramming Pogs up Atticus Hoy's...
238
00:11:16,621 --> 00:11:18,000
Right! To the barricades!
239
00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:20,600
♪ Do you hear the people sing ♪
240
00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:23,000
♪ Singing a song of angry men? ♪
241
00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:29,200
♪ It is the music of a people
who will not be slaves again ♪
242
00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:31,200
♪ When the... ♪
243
00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:33,000
Just a quick one.
244
00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:35,200
Teachers still get paid on strike,
right?
245
00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:39,100
♪ When the beating of your heart ♪
246
00:11:39,300 --> 00:11:42,000
♪ Echoes the beating of the drums ♪
247
00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:48,020
♪ There is a life about to start
when tomorrow comes. ♪
248
00:11:48,220 --> 00:11:52,140
Teachers united!
249
00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:55,000
This strike is
not about individuals.
250
00:11:55,200 --> 00:12:00,200
This strike is for every teacher
that has ever been sacked
251
00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:01,000
by their own father.
252
00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:05,200
This strike is about
drawing a line in the sand,
253
00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:08,200
standing up to the man
and saying "no"!
254
00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:09,200
Yes, sir.
255
00:12:12,660 --> 00:12:14,200
You sure this is all right, mate?
256
00:12:18,460 --> 00:12:19,000
God!
257
00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:22,641
I haven't held a placard in my hand
since I ran for student president.
258
00:12:22,841 --> 00:12:25,200
Really? You? Yeah, I guess you could
say back at school
259
00:12:25,400 --> 00:12:27,200
I had something
of the politician in me.
260
00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:29,200
Did you get bummed
by George Osborne? Dah!
261
00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:31,000
Served another zinger.
262
00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:33,100
What?
Cos all black people work at KFC?
263
00:12:33,300 --> 00:12:35,200
Is that what you're saying,
Clarkson?
264
00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:37,631
No, er, not at all,
265
00:12:37,831 --> 00:12:40,200
a lot of my best friends are...
266
00:12:40,400 --> 00:12:41,700
work in KFC.
267
00:12:41,900 --> 00:12:43,450
Look, sir!
268
00:12:43,650 --> 00:12:45,200
Come on!
269
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:49,200
It's my one-man Les Mis
all over again.
270
00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:51,000
Er, Joe, maybe lose the flag -
271
00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:53,100
it makes you look a little bit
National Fronty.
272
00:12:53,300 --> 00:12:55,650
I'm already sorting out the press.
Joe's my PA.
273
00:12:55,850 --> 00:12:58,200
I've spoken to a man from the
Watford Guardian.
274
00:12:58,400 --> 00:12:59,000
I want the nationals, babe.
275
00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:02,200
I'm offering the Mail Online
photos of Chantelle in a bikini.
276
00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:03,000
Stephen, she's 16.
277
00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:06,600
No, you're right, she's probably
a bit old for the Sidebar of Shame.
278
00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:10,200
You know what would really grab
their attention? A hunger strike.
279
00:13:10,400 --> 00:13:13,200
Joe, you know the way
you're on this vegan diet, which...
280
00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:16,000
Isn't working. I miss bacon so much.
281
00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:18,315
Cheer up, Uncle Fester.
Soon you'll be skinny
282
00:13:18,316 --> 00:13:20,000
enough to buy your
clothes from Jacamo.
283
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:21,724
At least he don't
get his threads from ASDA.
284
00:13:21,924 --> 00:13:23,962
Your mum get staff discount?
She don't work at ASDA.
285
00:13:24,162 --> 00:13:26,200
How she get a staff discount?
Sucked off George?
286
00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:29,000
Guys!
Don't worry! Not YOUR George!
287
00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:32,537
Thanks. Er, look, Joe,
my dad says that I'm a bad teacher
288
00:13:32,737 --> 00:13:35,761
but who's going to look bad
when doctors are force-feeding you
289
00:13:35,961 --> 00:13:38,000
through a tube because you love me
so much?
290
00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:41,200
Alfie, is this strike just
about getting revenge on your dad?
291
00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:44,000
No. A hunger strike's win-win, mate.
292
00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:46,660
The governors will cave the minute
you start losing weight.
293
00:13:46,860 --> 00:13:50,200
How long will that be? I'm going
Tenerife next Christmas. Listen, guys.
294
00:13:50,400 --> 00:13:52,200
Actions speak louder
than words, Joe!
295
00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:55,000
Rosa Parks, Tiananmen Square.
296
00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:58,320
Protesting the war in Vietnam,
a monk set himself on fire.
297
00:13:58,520 --> 00:14:01,640
Oh, good idea. I'll get the petrol -
we've already got a monk.
298
00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:03,200
Idiot!
299
00:14:05,200 --> 00:14:07,000
Ah, thank God for Ying.
Always thinking.
300
00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:09,600
What if we light a real fire
under my dad's ass?
301
00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:12,000
Old health and safety's
here to save the day.
302
00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:15,200
I was thinking of throwing them
off the roof. You've changed.
303
00:14:15,400 --> 00:14:18,000
"I rebel, therefore I exist." Camus.
304
00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:21,000
Anyone else finding that
a bit annoying? Yep.
305
00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:24,200
I've got to go find Miss Gulliver -
we're drawing up a list of demands.
306
00:14:24,400 --> 00:14:25,280
Beer at lunch!
Unbelievable!
307
00:14:27,620 --> 00:14:28,900
The reporter's here!
308
00:14:29,500 --> 00:14:30,201
Tits and teeth.
309
00:14:34,220 --> 00:14:36,200
So, er, why'd you get expelled
from your last school?
310
00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:38,700
I kidnapped a teacher.
Really?
311
00:14:38,900 --> 00:14:41,000
No, you salad! I'm not a psycho.
312
00:14:41,200 --> 00:14:43,940
Called in a bomb threat to get
out of some long division.
313
00:14:44,140 --> 00:14:45,200
Amazing.
314
00:14:45,881 --> 00:14:47,100
Pick up your lip.
315
00:14:52,066 --> 00:14:53,533
Someone's in love!
316
00:14:53,733 --> 00:14:55,200
Oh, shit, maybe I am.
317
00:14:56,220 --> 00:14:57,200
Bollocks!
318
00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:01,200
You've taken a vow of silence?
319
00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:06,200
OK, just let me know, by the way, if
you don't want that foosball table.
320
00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:08,200
Seriously, just say the word.
321
00:15:09,891 --> 00:15:12,200
We're drawing up a list of demands.
322
00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:14,200
We demand safe pensions.
323
00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:15,610
Job security.
324
00:15:15,810 --> 00:15:17,020
No more homework.
325
00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:20,200
I'm a lover, not a fighter, babe.
326
00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:22,000
Like Ghandi.
327
00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:24,000
Oh, totes. David Gandy's always
been an inspiration.
328
00:15:24,200 --> 00:15:29,180
Those abs - like a cobbled street. Wouldn't
want to walk down them in a wedged heel.
329
00:15:31,928 --> 00:15:34,200
That man with the nappy? Eww!
330
00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:41,140
Oi, Dickers.
331
00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:45,200
I need your advice. I think I like
Cleo - she's an absolute weldy.
332
00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:48,100
Really? I thought
you and her had beef.
333
00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:52,200
Yeah, I...
instantly regret using that word.
334
00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:54,200
No, I think I, like,
LIKE-HER like her.
335
00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:55,000
She thinks I'm a tool.
336
00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:57,279
Well, I mean, you kind of are.
337
00:15:57,479 --> 00:15:59,358
Look, mate, men like me and you -
338
00:15:59,558 --> 00:16:01,201
we're never going to be able to get
girls with our looks.
339
00:16:01,401 --> 00:16:02,000
What do you mean, men like
me and you?
340
00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:05,200
I'm an absolute baller, mate,
a nine out of ten.
341
00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:07,200
You look like a
Topshop Peter Sutcliffe.
342
00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:09,000
Right. I mean, do you want my help?
343
00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:12,200
Our only option is to make girls
laugh. Women love a sense of humour.
344
00:16:12,400 --> 00:16:14,701
Oh, I get it,
I've got to laugh her into...
345
00:16:14,901 --> 00:16:16,000
A corner, yeah.
346
00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:19,140
Laugh her straight into
an impulsive flat-share
347
00:16:19,340 --> 00:16:21,260
that binds her to you financially.
348
00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:27,200
Code red!
They're sending in supply teachers!
349
00:16:30,200 --> 00:16:33,200
Look at them - it's like the army
of the unsullied invaded...
350
00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:35,200
What's wrong with supply teachers?
351
00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:37,000
Well, put it this way -
352
00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:39,200
even I can get a permanent
placement.
353
00:16:39,400 --> 00:16:41,000
Scab!
354
00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:45,200
Oh, my God! All we need is Julie
Walters and it's Billy Elliott! Scab!
355
00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:50,200
Right, that's it,
I'm taking this to the next level!
356
00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:51,200
Dirty protest.
357
00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:53,000
What? No!
358
00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:55,200
I'm going to hit my dad
where it hurts.
359
00:16:55,400 --> 00:16:57,660
His car.
Shit on his car!
360
00:16:57,860 --> 00:16:59,734
No, there's no shit.
361
00:17:14,133 --> 00:17:16,200
♪ Well, you can bump and grind ♪
362
00:17:17,810 --> 00:17:20,200
♪ And it's good for your mind ♪
363
00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:23,780
♪ Well, you can twist and shout ♪
364
00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:26,787
♪ Let it all hang out ♪
365
00:17:26,987 --> 00:17:31,993
♪ But you won't fool
the children of the revolution ♪
366
00:17:32,193 --> 00:17:37,200
♪ No, you won't fool
the children of the revolution ♪
367
00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:39,200
♪ Na-na, no ♪
368
00:17:45,828 --> 00:17:47,500
♪ Wow! ♪
369
00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:50,940
Dickers, you been sniffing glue?
370
00:17:51,140 --> 00:17:53,000
Shut up! What is all of this?
371
00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:55,000
It's meant to be a strike,
not a festival.
372
00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:57,792
If we're here for the long haul,
might as well have a laugh.
373
00:17:57,992 --> 00:18:00,086
Tomato? I'm going to pelt
the supply teachers.
374
00:18:00,286 --> 00:18:02,380
Old school, slapstick!
Cleo might like it.
375
00:18:03,420 --> 00:18:04,860
Salad for the salad.
376
00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:07,000
Oi, Kelly Osbourne,
377
00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:10,460
want to see a couple of turnips
that look like your mum's bollocks?
378
00:18:13,021 --> 00:18:14,000
Can I have a tomato?
379
00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:16,000
No, Joe, you're on hunger strike.
380
00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:18,000
I'm so hungry.
You're doing great, mate.
381
00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:21,777
And remember, when everyone else is
tucking into that delicious hog roast,
382
00:18:21,977 --> 00:18:24,794
you, my friend, are going to be
occupying the moral high ground.
383
00:18:24,994 --> 00:18:25,860
Hog roast?
384
00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:29,200
Why, God?
385
00:18:30,260 --> 00:18:31,200
Joe!
386
00:18:32,940 --> 00:18:34,900
Look what those journo bastards
did, sir!
387
00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:38,000
I told them
not to print my left side.
388
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:40,200
I said,
"Front on or three-quarter profile."
389
00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:42,000
They've given me fat neck!
390
00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:44,660
Sorry...
did you say all of these things?
391
00:18:44,860 --> 00:18:47,000
I thought it was an interview,
not a bloody quiz.
392
00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:51,200
Mein Kampf was the name
of John Barrowman's autobiography.
393
00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:54,100
You thought that Hitler's
first name was Heil.
394
00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:55,000
Heil Hitler.
395
00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:58,200
That Hezbollah and Hamas
were chips and dips.
396
00:18:58,400 --> 00:18:59,200
Well, they sound yummy.
397
00:18:59,803 --> 00:19:03,721
When asked who said,
"I have a dream," you responded...
398
00:19:03,921 --> 00:19:04,180
Westlife.
399
00:19:04,380 --> 00:19:06,200
I know, I know, that one was dumb.
400
00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:07,000
Originally, it was ABBA.
401
00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:10,489
Maybe we ARE stupid, sir.
No, don't worry, Chantelle.
402
00:19:10,689 --> 00:19:14,844
It's just some stupid journalist
trying to spin a story out of nothing.
403
00:19:15,044 --> 00:19:19,200
Is it? Miss Gulliver's class are
revising. We're just pissing around.
404
00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:20,200
Oi, who's nicked my porn?
405
00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:23,000
I'm going to fail my exams.
406
00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:26,200
Who cares, babes? I'm going to become a
dancer and you'll be my make-up artist.
407
00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:30,200
Not any more. I found out I need
GCSEs to get into my beauty school.
408
00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:31,000
I'm screwed!
409
00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:33,600
So that's why you've been
working so hard?
410
00:19:33,800 --> 00:19:36,200
If I fail my GCSEs,
I'll never get a job.
411
00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:38,200
What have I got to put in my CV?
412
00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:40,000
I haven't achieved anything!
413
00:19:40,200 --> 00:19:43,200
Not true, babes. You got to snog
Science from Big Brother Six.
414
00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:46,000
I don't want to be a failure!
It's my fault.
415
00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:49,200
You're not a failure, Chantelle,
and you never will be.
416
00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:52,000
My dad's right -
I'm letting you guys down.
417
00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:54,601
Don't worry.
I'm going to get into our classroom,
418
00:19:54,801 --> 00:19:58,200
I'll get some textbooks,
start teaching you al-fresco style.
419
00:19:58,400 --> 00:20:00,200
Who's Al Fresco?
Wait, is it one of the Jersey Boys?
420
00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:03,000
No, babe,
"al fresco" is French for "patio"!
421
00:20:03,200 --> 00:20:06,200
Oh, God, I really need to start
teaching you again.
422
00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:08,000
But you'll be breaking the strike.
423
00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:12,200
I'm going to get you those GCSEs,
I promise.
424
00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:19,100
As Britain's youngest headmaster,
425
00:20:19,300 --> 00:20:21,150
I have to be everywhere at once -
426
00:20:21,350 --> 00:20:23,200
in lessons, in the staffroom,
427
00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:24,000
occasionally in court,
428
00:20:24,200 --> 00:20:26,000
but always in high spirits.
429
00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:28,200
How do I do this, I hear you ask.
430
00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:30,200
I give you...
431
00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:32,200
the future!
432
00:20:39,435 --> 00:20:40,717
Versat...
433
00:20:40,917 --> 00:20:42,200
Versatile.
434
00:20:46,200 --> 00:20:49,200
I want those reports on my desk
by end of play today.
435
00:20:56,200 --> 00:20:58,200
Still working.
436
00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:06,200
Fast, quiet and efficient,
the SegDesk has all the attributes
437
00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:07,200
of a Victorian lover.
438
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:10,200
So hop on one today!
439
00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:23,200
Rosie, what I'm about to do doesn't
mean that I don't support you
440
00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:26,200
and I still think that my dad's
being a dick.
441
00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:28,200
But I need to think about my kids.
442
00:21:30,675 --> 00:21:32,000
I'm putting an end to this strike.
443
00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:35,200
I'm crossing the picket line
and I'm negotiating.
444
00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:38,200
I'm sorry.
445
00:21:39,200 --> 00:21:43,200
Stop! Alfie! You can't let them win!
446
00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:44,000
Come back!
447
00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:47,200
Ah, you've finally come
to your senses.
448
00:21:52,200 --> 00:21:54,000
Traitor!
449
00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:56,000
Judas, Judas!
450
00:21:56,200 --> 00:21:58,000
Judas, Judas, Judas!
451
00:21:58,200 --> 00:22:00,000
Judas, Judas, Judas, Judas!
452
00:22:00,200 --> 00:22:05,820
Judas, Judas, Judas, Judas, Judas!
453
00:22:09,298 --> 00:22:11,218
Oi, Ying, come and give us
a hand with something.
454
00:22:12,450 --> 00:22:14,460
I quit! I quit!
455
00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:16,200
I quit!
456
00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:19,614
What?!
I quit!
457
00:22:20,013 --> 00:22:24,201
If that's the only way that I can
get everyone back into school,
458
00:22:24,401 --> 00:22:26,700
then... that's the way
it's got to be.
459
00:22:26,900 --> 00:22:29,000
You don't have to.
We can break them!
460
00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:31,922
But how long's that going to take?
Days, weeks?
461
00:22:32,122 --> 00:22:34,844
I can't risk that.
My kids need to be learning
462
00:22:35,044 --> 00:22:36,580
and that's not going to
happen out here.
463
00:22:36,780 --> 00:22:38,000
No, sir, you can't quit.
464
00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:41,200
No, Chantelle,
you deserve a better teacher.
465
00:22:41,400 --> 00:22:43,200
Maybe this is for the best.
466
00:22:43,400 --> 00:22:45,000
So, Dad, reluctantly,
467
00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:48,700
I take this redundancy.
The strike's over!
468
00:22:58,200 --> 00:23:02,200
What you just did
showed real courage.
469
00:23:02,400 --> 00:23:03,000
I hope I proved a point.
470
00:23:03,200 --> 00:23:06,200
This whole thing was getting
completely out of hand.
471
00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:09,200
Thankfully, now we can
all go back to normal.
472
00:23:13,460 --> 00:23:17,200
Good old Alfie, joking to the last.
We're going to miss you, son.
473
00:23:17,400 --> 00:23:19,000
Miss me?
474
00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:21,000
Well, you did just resign.
475
00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:25,200
Yeah, but I mean, I was kind of only
doing the whole "I quit" thing
476
00:23:25,400 --> 00:23:28,200
to show everyone how ludicrous
the whole situation was.
477
00:23:28,400 --> 00:23:30,700
I don't actually have to
lose my job, do I?
478
00:23:30,900 --> 00:23:33,200
I've still got to find the money
from somewhere
479
00:23:33,400 --> 00:23:34,000
and I did plead with the governors
480
00:23:34,200 --> 00:23:36,600
but they were going to insist
I sack you anyway.
481
00:23:36,800 --> 00:23:39,200
If only you'd shown this
pluck during your review,
482
00:23:39,400 --> 00:23:42,000
instead of all that
guff about threesomes.
483
00:23:42,200 --> 00:23:45,980
If it's any consolation, you saved
me a lot of soul searching.
484
00:23:47,200 --> 00:23:50,200
Yeah, it's no consolation
whatsoever.
485
00:23:50,400 --> 00:23:52,000
Oi, Cleo, watch this.
486
00:23:52,200 --> 00:23:55,200
"Commitment is an act, not a word."
Sartre.
487
00:23:55,400 --> 00:23:57,340
"Eat pig, bitch!" Mitchell.
488
00:23:58,180 --> 00:24:00,200
Alfie!
489
00:24:06,200 --> 00:24:08,000
That is bang out of order, man.
490
00:24:08,200 --> 00:24:10,100
Oh! How could she not
find that funny?
491
00:24:10,300 --> 00:24:12,200
We've just squashed a vegan
with a pig!
492
00:24:13,200 --> 00:24:15,200
You took a pig for me, brother.
493
00:24:16,200 --> 00:24:17,660
I'm so hungry.
494
00:24:21,100 --> 00:24:24,000
A hundred grand?
That's unbelievable.
495
00:24:24,200 --> 00:24:28,200
Er, yes, I accept.
I can't wait to tell the troops.
496
00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:31,000
Stop! Nobody's getting fired...
497
00:24:31,200 --> 00:24:34,200
as I have just sold a patent to
the Japanese guy who brought you
498
00:24:34,400 --> 00:24:36,000
such hits as
the She-wee and He-boob.
499
00:24:36,200 --> 00:24:40,580
That's right, Japan is about to say
konichiwa to the SegDesk.
500
00:24:40,780 --> 00:24:41,417
That's not true, is it?
501
00:24:41,617 --> 00:24:44,308
I sold my flat. I knew the governors
wanted Alf's head
502
00:24:44,508 --> 00:24:47,200
and I couldn't stay on at
Abbey Grove without my best bud.
503
00:24:47,400 --> 00:24:48,000
Thanks, Fraser.
504
00:24:48,200 --> 00:24:50,100
Where will you live?
505
00:24:50,300 --> 00:24:52,000
Ah... my office.
506
00:24:52,200 --> 00:24:54,600
Either that or, Martin,
can your car fit two?
507
00:24:54,800 --> 00:24:57,900
It can. Post-divorce,
I had a rebound fling
508
00:24:58,100 --> 00:25:01,000
with a 16-stone lady trucker
called Fat Pat.
509
00:25:01,200 --> 00:25:04,200
Romancing a woman of that size
in the back of the flame-red Tigo
510
00:25:04,400 --> 00:25:06,000
could prove taxing.
511
00:25:06,200 --> 00:25:09,200
Getting her bra and truss off alone
was a three-man job.
512
00:25:09,400 --> 00:25:12,200
Luckily she had a friend -
Mick, her husband.
513
00:25:13,200 --> 00:25:14,540
Dark days!
514
00:25:16,200 --> 00:25:17,822
I'll probably just rent.
515
00:25:18,022 --> 00:25:19,644
Dad! About your car...
516
00:25:20,200 --> 00:25:24,200
Before you see it,
can you just remember
517
00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:28,200
that I was really, really angry.
518
00:25:40,200 --> 00:25:44,200
Oh, my days! That is jokes!
519
00:25:44,400 --> 00:25:45,000
The gashmobile.
520
00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:47,000
Man's car got porned!
521
00:25:47,200 --> 00:25:51,200
Half the credit must go to
Mr Mitchell. What?
522
00:25:52,200 --> 00:25:55,200
Er, yeah, it was me. I did it.
523
00:25:55,400 --> 00:25:56,200
Ah, quite funny, bruv.
524
00:26:00,200 --> 00:26:02,200
Don't touch me.
525
00:26:02,400 --> 00:26:03,200
Come on.
526
00:26:07,200 --> 00:26:10,200
Cheers for that, sir.
That's all right.
527
00:26:11,200 --> 00:26:13,900
OK, guess I'd better go
and get cleaned up, then.
528
00:26:17,940 --> 00:26:20,140
Yep, that should do it.
529
00:26:29,200 --> 00:26:31,000
Yeah, I rule!
530
00:26:31,200 --> 00:26:33,100
One more game, then back to work?
531
00:26:33,300 --> 00:26:35,200
I'm glad you didn't leave, sir.
532
00:26:35,400 --> 00:26:37,000
Oh, so am I, Chantelle.
533
00:26:37,200 --> 00:26:40,100
You guys are like a family to me.
534
00:26:40,300 --> 00:26:43,200
Mitchell, Joey Boy, even Cleo.
535
00:26:43,400 --> 00:26:44,200
Little Rem Dogg.
536
00:26:45,700 --> 00:26:47,200
Where is Rem Dogg?
537
00:26:50,019 --> 00:26:52,200
Oh, shit! Rem Dogg!
538
00:26:55,828 --> 00:26:56,695
Hey!
539
00:27:00,742 --> 00:27:03,200
Ooh, someone had a wee-wee
in the night.
41451
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