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1
00:00:08,860 --> 00:00:11,540
Yo, what's going down my...
n-word?
2
00:00:11,740 --> 00:00:15,940
Shush, Fraser! You've ruined it.
What the Harry Hill? Are you...?
3
00:00:16,140 --> 00:00:20,180
Conducting a seance? Yes. It's interactive
learning. Hold yer Ouija boards,
4
00:00:20,380 --> 00:00:23,180
because today is the biggest day
in the school sporting calendar!
5
00:00:23,380 --> 00:00:25,620
It's the big footie match
against Middleton House.
6
00:00:25,820 --> 00:00:27,580
Really? Here?
7
00:00:27,780 --> 00:00:32,300
Yes, but you can understand that they're
a little sensitive after last year -
8
00:00:32,500 --> 00:00:35,660
16 of their state-of-the-art
Mac Book Pros went missing.
9
00:00:35,860 --> 00:00:36,500
17, actually.
10
00:00:36,700 --> 00:00:40,980
I've just heard that the PE teacher's
going to be unavailable for the game.
11
00:00:41,180 --> 00:00:46,660
Slightly garbled message from him saying that he'll
either be back by two or in two to five years.
12
00:00:46,860 --> 00:00:48,660
Something to do with DNA evidence.
13
00:00:48,860 --> 00:00:51,620
And I fit into this how?
I need someone to manage the team.
14
00:00:51,820 --> 00:00:56,580
A chance to stand up to those posho bullies. Tell them
you ain't going to be eating that biscuit no more.
15
00:00:56,780 --> 00:00:59,820
Not this again. Why does everyone
think I was bullied at Middleton?
16
00:01:00,020 --> 00:01:01,220
Your girly run.
The way you throw.
17
00:01:01,420 --> 00:01:03,620
Your Facebook wall.
I wasn't bullied, all right?
18
00:01:03,820 --> 00:01:05,100
Come on, Alf. It's in the bag.
19
00:01:05,300 --> 00:01:10,340
We're unbeatable this season. We're
like the Invincible Arse-gunners.
20
00:01:10,540 --> 00:01:12,580
You know nothing about football,
do you? No.
21
00:01:12,780 --> 00:01:17,740
Do you know anything about sport? I like
the Red Arrows! Whoosh! So, whaddya say?
22
00:01:17,940 --> 00:01:20,940
I guess I could.
Right, pack this up.
23
00:01:21,140 --> 00:01:22,980
But Sir, you promised
we could talk to Hitler.
24
00:01:23,180 --> 00:01:25,420
Well, it's not like he's going
anywhere.
25
00:01:55,260 --> 00:01:56,980
Yo! What's up team?
26
00:01:58,740 --> 00:02:03,660
This sesh is all about you getting
to know your new gaffer.
27
00:02:03,860 --> 00:02:05,860
Yeah. The boss man.
28
00:02:07,540 --> 00:02:09,400
The special one.
29
00:02:09,600 --> 00:02:11,260
II Classico.
30
00:02:11,460 --> 00:02:13,140
Why are you calling us team?
31
00:02:14,820 --> 00:02:17,780
Cos you're my guys, right,
and I thought this match,
32
00:02:17,980 --> 00:02:20,860
perfect opportunity for you to get
involved in the big game.
33
00:02:21,060 --> 00:02:23,900
Hang on, what happened to
the actual football team?
34
00:02:24,980 --> 00:02:26,180
Nothing.
35
00:02:26,380 --> 00:02:32,620
So the last man has to be behind,
and in front, erm,
36
00:02:32,820 --> 00:02:37,940
if it's two of them it goes to deadlock
and then it's done on public vote.
37
00:02:38,140 --> 00:02:41,380
Yep. That, that's the offside rule
in a nutshell.
38
00:02:42,500 --> 00:02:46,860
I can't believe you were
ostracised by the entire first team.
39
00:02:47,060 --> 00:02:50,420
Ostracised. "Oh, my name's Joe
and I use long words."
40
00:02:50,620 --> 00:02:53,380
Hang about,
ain't there a second team?
41
00:02:53,580 --> 00:02:55,340
Yeah.
42
00:03:00,820 --> 00:03:03,780
Bwarch! Guys! bawrch!
43
00:03:03,980 --> 00:03:08,380
Look, sometimes it's good to have
a little re-jig of the team.
44
00:03:08,580 --> 00:03:10,240
I mean, look at...
45
00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:11,900
The Sugababes.
46
00:03:12,100 --> 00:03:14,140
You know jack shit about football.
47
00:03:14,340 --> 00:03:17,100
Well, Mitchell, if you came
to my bedroom there is a certain
48
00:03:17,300 --> 00:03:19,340
Goonersaurus duvet
that would beg to differ.
49
00:03:19,540 --> 00:03:21,860
Did you just invite me
to your bedroom?
50
00:03:22,060 --> 00:03:23,900
I'll play. Great. You play?
51
00:03:24,100 --> 00:03:27,820
She's had one-on-ones with some of the game's
big names. And a couple of two-on-ones.
52
00:03:28,020 --> 00:03:30,260
Who? A lady never breaks
a super-injunction.
53
00:03:33,340 --> 00:03:36,220
OK. Jing, you in?
54
00:03:36,420 --> 00:03:39,460
Bring the team some of that
unflappable Far Eastern work ethic.
55
00:03:39,660 --> 00:03:43,500
It's not a national sport but there's
that fella that plays for United.
56
00:03:49,060 --> 00:03:52,380
Yeah, that's his name, so...?
Not in a million years.
57
00:03:52,580 --> 00:03:55,380
Come on. One of you must want
to play?
58
00:03:55,580 --> 00:03:56,620
I'm pretty good at football.
59
00:03:56,820 --> 00:03:58,960
Yeah, he is.
He's just like Ashley Cole.
60
00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:01,100
That's very sweet
but don't be silly.
61
00:04:01,300 --> 00:04:04,340
But we all know the only reason
you want us to play this stupid game
62
00:04:04,540 --> 00:04:06,420
is to get back at your old school
for bullying ya.
63
00:04:06,620 --> 00:04:10,140
Why does everyone assume
that I would be a victim of bullies?
64
00:04:10,340 --> 00:04:12,020
Oi, dick wad! Hello, Grayson.
65
00:04:12,220 --> 00:04:14,860
What's my position?
You... you want to play?
66
00:04:15,060 --> 00:04:20,060
I'll play for this team all right, Downton,
but only cos I want to hospitalize some toffs.
67
00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:24,180
This doesn't mean we're mates,
and I still think you're a piece.
68
00:04:24,380 --> 00:04:27,240
Great, um, but, I thought you
weren't allowed to play.
69
00:04:27,440 --> 00:04:30,300
Yeah, well I'm back now, innit.
Finished serving my ban.
70
00:04:30,500 --> 00:04:31,980
Why were you banned?
71
00:04:32,180 --> 00:04:33,460
Off the ball incident.
72
00:04:33,660 --> 00:04:35,420
What was it? Two footed tackle?
73
00:04:35,620 --> 00:04:38,260
Arson. Right. Good.
74
00:04:38,460 --> 00:04:43,980
See, that is exactly the kind
of passion that I'm looking for.
75
00:04:44,180 --> 00:04:46,540
I think I've found myself a skipper.
76
00:04:46,740 --> 00:04:52,180
So, who else wants to join
the revolution with me
77
00:04:52,380 --> 00:04:54,740
and my buddy Frank?
78
00:04:54,940 --> 00:04:57,540
You call me that again
and I'll firebomb your shed.
79
00:04:57,740 --> 00:05:03,140
Me and my colleague here,
Mr Grayson.
80
00:05:03,340 --> 00:05:05,140
We're going to get dicked on.
81
00:05:07,780 --> 00:05:09,900
No-one?
82
00:05:10,100 --> 00:05:11,780
Please, I'm desperate.
83
00:05:14,020 --> 00:05:17,620
What have I got to do to
convince you to play?
84
00:05:17,820 --> 00:05:20,300
PHONE RINGS
85
00:05:21,780 --> 00:05:24,880
"Hi, you're through
to Alfie Wickers.
86
00:05:25,080 --> 00:05:27,980
"Sorry I can't
take your call right now
87
00:05:28,180 --> 00:05:30,460
"but I'm busy cracking one out
to Loose Women.
88
00:05:30,660 --> 00:05:34,420
"No, not Vorderman or McLean.
89
00:05:34,620 --> 00:05:37,380
"I am...
90
00:05:37,580 --> 00:05:40,020
"stiffin' for McGiffin.
91
00:05:40,220 --> 00:05:44,220
"Please leave a message
after the tone."
92
00:05:44,420 --> 00:05:46,740
All right then, deal.
93
00:05:46,940 --> 00:05:51,140
OK right, time to hit the pitch. I want
to see what you've got in your lockers.
94
00:05:51,340 --> 00:05:53,820
A flare gun and some porn.
Not yours.
95
00:05:59,780 --> 00:06:02,220
KNOCK AT DOOR
96
00:06:02,420 --> 00:06:05,660
Erm, you wanted to see me?
Ah yes, Ms Gulliver.
97
00:06:07,940 --> 00:06:11,060
Rosie. Do come in.
98
00:06:14,060 --> 00:06:16,380
So, what's this about?
99
00:06:16,580 --> 00:06:19,560
Ah, you know, just a natter really
just to, you know,
100
00:06:19,760 --> 00:06:22,740
how long's it been
since we had a good girly catch up?
101
00:06:22,940 --> 00:06:24,820
Erm...
102
00:06:25,020 --> 00:06:26,700
for ever.
103
00:06:26,900 --> 00:06:30,580
Yeah, yeah it does,
it feels that way, doesn't it?
104
00:06:32,340 --> 00:06:39,020
Yeah. So erm, how is your current
sexual slash romantic partner?
105
00:06:40,260 --> 00:06:42,380
Erm...
106
00:06:42,580 --> 00:06:45,860
What am I like, eh, with the gossip?
107
00:06:46,060 --> 00:06:49,500
No, now listen, I've been thinking
about this for a while and I think
108
00:06:49,700 --> 00:06:52,540
it's time that I do something
that may shake you to the core.
109
00:06:52,740 --> 00:06:56,140
But erm, how attractive
do you think I am?
110
00:06:58,900 --> 00:07:02,100
Look, I think you might have
misread some signals.
111
00:07:02,300 --> 00:07:04,820
No, it's just that you see,
I heard that Middleton House
112
00:07:05,020 --> 00:07:08,740
are looking for a new deputy head and
I would really love that transfer.
113
00:07:09,980 --> 00:07:12,140
Oh.
114
00:07:12,340 --> 00:07:15,820
Erm, you look...
115
00:07:17,940 --> 00:07:20,340
Handsome.
116
00:07:20,540 --> 00:07:22,740
Oh, really?!
117
00:07:22,940 --> 00:07:25,740
You're not just saying that.
You know...? This...
118
00:07:25,940 --> 00:07:28,820
it's not too much?
119
00:07:29,020 --> 00:07:31,900
No, it's very...
120
00:07:32,100 --> 00:07:33,660
subtle.
121
00:07:33,860 --> 00:07:35,220
Right.
122
00:07:35,420 --> 00:07:39,380
Gosh you know, we should,
we should do this more often. Yep.
123
00:07:41,780 --> 00:07:43,980
Menstruating much at the moment?
124
00:07:44,180 --> 00:07:45,980
Please can I leave?
125
00:07:46,180 --> 00:07:49,500
So how's the old footie thing going?
Oh, not great actually.
126
00:07:49,700 --> 00:07:51,820
I think you should just
call them up and tell them...
127
00:07:52,020 --> 00:07:54,780
Way ahead of you, Alfen Hanson.
128
00:07:55,820 --> 00:07:57,740
The pundit from MOTo'D?
129
00:07:59,220 --> 00:08:02,180
We are not going to play them
at football.
130
00:08:02,380 --> 00:08:05,060
Phh, that's a relief
because we are shit...
131
00:08:05,260 --> 00:08:07,740
We are going to beat them
psychologically.
132
00:08:07,940 --> 00:08:10,660
We may not have the resources
of St Poshington's,
133
00:08:10,860 --> 00:08:15,620
but let's see how they like it when they
come to face to face with our ghetto hell.
134
00:08:15,820 --> 00:08:18,940
Safe, blood. Matron's ma bitch now.
135
00:08:21,100 --> 00:08:23,180
GLASS SMASHES
136
00:08:23,380 --> 00:08:24,620
Welcome to thug life.
137
00:08:24,820 --> 00:08:28,940
♪ Yeah, yeah let's get down
with the trumpets... ♪
138
00:08:29,140 --> 00:08:31,260
So this match must be quite
a big deal for you.
139
00:08:31,460 --> 00:08:32,960
Chance to pay back those bullies.
140
00:08:33,160 --> 00:08:34,460
I was quite popular at Middleton.
141
00:08:34,660 --> 00:08:38,380
Oh? They used to call me Scratchie.
It was kind of like my DJ name.
142
00:08:38,580 --> 00:08:40,780
I used to spin the tunes
at the raves.
143
00:08:40,980 --> 00:08:43,180
Raves? At Middleton House?
144
00:08:43,380 --> 00:08:45,260
Well, the Hunt Ball.
145
00:08:48,060 --> 00:08:50,340
Out of my way Wickers, thank you.
146
00:08:50,540 --> 00:08:53,300
Any idea why Pickwell's come
dressed as a trannie today?
147
00:08:53,500 --> 00:08:56,940
She's job hunting. She's probably
overdone it with her make-up,
148
00:08:57,140 --> 00:08:58,540
and her suit.
149
00:08:58,740 --> 00:09:00,140
And her dick.
150
00:09:01,660 --> 00:09:02,700
Oh look, here they come.
151
00:09:02,900 --> 00:09:06,180
What?! Look at the state of it!
152
00:09:06,380 --> 00:09:08,660
Swanning in like they own the place.
153
00:09:08,860 --> 00:09:12,420
Although technically I think their
trust does actually own the land.
154
00:09:13,540 --> 00:09:16,020
What a Wickers!
155
00:09:18,260 --> 00:09:21,780
Glad to see that one's er,
stood the test of time.
156
00:09:30,060 --> 00:09:34,980
Terribly sorry old chap, would you mind
awfully throwing us that ball back?
157
00:09:35,180 --> 00:09:37,580
Go on, old chap.
158
00:09:37,780 --> 00:09:42,020
You don't think
he was talking to you?
159
00:09:42,220 --> 00:09:44,740
Why would he have been? All right!
160
00:09:44,940 --> 00:09:46,020
OK, lazy.
161
00:09:49,300 --> 00:09:51,940
What a Wickers!
162
00:09:53,740 --> 00:09:59,300
Well, well, well, well, well.
If it isn't Alfie Wickers.
163
00:09:59,500 --> 00:10:02,700
You spineless little tag-nut. Sir.
164
00:10:02,900 --> 00:10:06,380
The vilest dingle-berry it was
ever my misfortune to pluck.
165
00:10:06,580 --> 00:10:09,940
Remind me, what was it we used to call you?
"Scratchie" wasn't it? Because...
166
00:10:10,140 --> 00:10:11,380
Stress-induced Eczema.
167
00:10:11,580 --> 00:10:16,360
He used to sit in class scratching
himself like a junkie.
168
00:10:16,560 --> 00:10:21,340
I can't wait to stick it
to your bunch of benefit scrounging
169
00:10:21,540 --> 00:10:22,660
gutter monkeys.
170
00:10:22,860 --> 00:10:25,960
Now, who's the limp-dick
in command here anyway?
171
00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:29,060
I am. Who is? Scratchie is.
Scratchie is what?
172
00:10:29,260 --> 00:10:34,940
Scratchie is the limp dick in charge of the
benefit scrounging gutter monkeys. Sir.
173
00:10:39,900 --> 00:10:42,060
What's that man's problem?
174
00:10:42,260 --> 00:10:47,500
Basically, something happened
between me and him
175
00:10:47,700 --> 00:10:52,540
when I was in second year,
but I'd rather not talk about it.
176
00:10:52,740 --> 00:10:56,460
Why not? Because it's embarrassing.
177
00:10:56,660 --> 00:10:58,180
Because I'm a man.
178
00:10:58,380 --> 00:11:02,700
Y'know I'd rather just keep
it a secret.
179
00:11:04,580 --> 00:11:06,260
Oh my God!
180
00:11:07,380 --> 00:11:10,120
Oh Alfie, I'm so sorry.
181
00:11:10,320 --> 00:11:12,860
That's so brave of you.
182
00:11:13,060 --> 00:11:17,020
Well, it's really no biggie.
Y'know, shit happens.
183
00:11:17,220 --> 00:11:19,100
Was there no-one you could
talk to about it?
184
00:11:19,300 --> 00:11:21,660
Well, you know, I guess
if I had really wanted to,
185
00:11:21,860 --> 00:11:23,220
I could have gone
to confession but...
186
00:11:23,420 --> 00:11:26,940
Confession?
Yeah, Middleton House was Catholic.
187
00:11:28,500 --> 00:11:30,460
Yeah, course it was.
188
00:11:32,580 --> 00:11:35,840
Oh, Alfie. Poor thing.
189
00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:39,100
Poor little thing.
190
00:11:39,300 --> 00:11:43,860
Remember, whatever we wear,
wherever we go,
191
00:11:44,060 --> 00:11:46,180
yes means yes and no means no.
192
00:11:49,660 --> 00:11:53,100
Cup of rosie lea, my old lover.
Darjeeling. Two sugars.
193
00:11:53,300 --> 00:11:54,340
I'm Head of Maths.
194
00:11:54,540 --> 00:11:58,020
Good. Then you won't cock up
the sugars, will you?
195
00:11:58,220 --> 00:11:59,380
Everything OK?
196
00:11:59,580 --> 00:12:04,220
It will be once Hopalong Haversham
takes it up a gear with my tea.
197
00:12:04,420 --> 00:12:06,780
You must be Mr Humpage.
198
00:12:06,980 --> 00:12:11,100
Pickwell's the name. Deputy Head
here, but you can call me Isobel.
199
00:12:11,300 --> 00:12:15,420
Isobel? What was it before Isambard?
Did you pick it yourself?
200
00:12:15,620 --> 00:12:17,900
No, my parents chose it.
201
00:12:18,100 --> 00:12:22,100
You're parents are supporting this?
Are they liberals, are they?
202
00:12:24,100 --> 00:12:26,380
May I take you on a small
guided tour of...
203
00:12:26,580 --> 00:12:30,580
Yes! What don't you show me round this
spittoon of pig shit. There's a good lad.
204
00:12:30,780 --> 00:12:37,780
I would be honoured. So um, tell me exactly
what position do you hold at Middleton House.
205
00:12:37,980 --> 00:12:41,740
High tutor of Sports
and Grand Master of Dragon House.
206
00:12:41,940 --> 00:12:43,860
Oh wow, that's very impressive.
207
00:12:44,060 --> 00:12:46,900
Well,
it's one below Supreme High Wizard.
208
00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:49,340
Sounds a bit like the Ku Klux Klan.
209
00:12:49,540 --> 00:12:52,980
Yes, we also wear the hoods.
Nothing else but...
210
00:12:53,180 --> 00:12:54,900
♪ Dressed, dressed
211
00:12:55,100 --> 00:12:58,380
♪ Ya, listen, dress for the occasion
212
00:12:58,580 --> 00:13:00,900
♪ And surrounded by a table
full of patron
213
00:13:01,100 --> 00:13:02,820
♪ Not enough to go round... ♪
214
00:13:03,020 --> 00:13:06,740
Looks like those public school kids
be bare bricking it, d'you get me.
215
00:13:06,940 --> 00:13:08,300
Really?
216
00:13:12,900 --> 00:13:15,360
♪ There's a name for people like me
217
00:13:15,560 --> 00:13:17,820
♪ There's a name for people
like me
218
00:13:18,020 --> 00:13:21,620
♪ You can stereotype
There's a name for people like me
219
00:13:21,820 --> 00:13:25,220
♪ There's a name for people like me
You can stereotype
220
00:13:25,420 --> 00:13:30,820
♪ Yeah, people like me, there's
a name for people like me... ♪
221
00:13:31,020 --> 00:13:34,660
Unbelievable.
222
00:13:34,860 --> 00:13:39,580
Here we have the jewel in our crown,
our computer block. Ta dah!
223
00:13:39,780 --> 00:13:42,580
Ooh, impressive!
224
00:13:42,780 --> 00:13:47,740
Reminds me of the set up we used to have
before the damn things went missing last year.
225
00:13:47,940 --> 00:13:51,740
No doubt pilfered by some oik
to help fund scratch cards
226
00:13:51,940 --> 00:13:53,140
and popcorn chicken.
227
00:13:53,340 --> 00:13:57,680
Oh, never mind. We soon replaced them -
raffled off one of our Rembrandts.
228
00:13:57,880 --> 00:14:02,220
Well, it must be very rewarding working
at somewhere like Middleton House.
229
00:14:02,420 --> 00:14:06,460
You know what I like about
you "Isobel"?
230
00:14:06,660 --> 00:14:09,260
You're a straight shooter.
231
00:14:09,460 --> 00:14:13,260
You wear your dick on your sleeve.
No, it's just, it's just..
232
00:14:13,460 --> 00:14:14,900
No, we could use a chap
like you at our place,
233
00:14:15,100 --> 00:14:19,900
especially since Watkins succumbed
to the er, old teachers' curse.
234
00:14:20,100 --> 00:14:22,220
Oh, depression? Gout.
235
00:14:22,420 --> 00:14:26,060
There's only so much fois gras
a gentleman can take.
236
00:14:26,260 --> 00:14:28,300
I'd be happy to put you
forward for the job.
237
00:14:28,500 --> 00:14:30,100
How's that tickle your knackers?
238
00:14:30,300 --> 00:14:32,740
Oh, they are tickled.
239
00:14:39,660 --> 00:14:41,380
You must know something.
240
00:14:41,580 --> 00:14:44,060
Talk to me, Kammy.
241
00:14:44,260 --> 00:14:47,500
'At which point Alan Mclnally
let out a massive fart.
242
00:14:47,700 --> 00:14:49,500
'Me and Charlie Nicholas
were in fits.
243
00:14:49,700 --> 00:14:54,100
'But Stelling, he never broke
stride. What a professional!'
244
00:14:54,300 --> 00:14:55,940
Unbelievable, Jeff.
245
00:15:03,660 --> 00:15:08,140
Look, guys,
it doesn't matter who they are,
246
00:15:08,340 --> 00:15:10,380
or how much better
they are than you.
247
00:15:10,580 --> 00:15:12,480
When you get out there,
248
00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:14,410
it's ten against ten,
249
00:15:14,610 --> 00:15:16,340
and anything can happen.
250
00:15:16,540 --> 00:15:19,140
You mean eleven.
251
00:15:19,340 --> 00:15:21,940
Yeah, eleven.
252
00:15:23,500 --> 00:15:26,140
It's eleven.
253
00:15:38,620 --> 00:15:40,420
You can do it!
254
00:15:40,620 --> 00:15:42,420
"You can do it!"
255
00:15:46,540 --> 00:15:48,540
Owww.
256
00:15:50,220 --> 00:15:52,180
You...
257
00:15:52,380 --> 00:15:53,800
twat!
258
00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:55,220
You pig.
259
00:15:55,420 --> 00:15:56,940
We need to do a goal, guys.
260
00:16:14,660 --> 00:16:16,580
♪ Say eat my goal
Eat my goal
261
00:16:16,780 --> 00:16:19,380
♪ Looking for a saviour to save ya
From a lack of knowledge
262
00:16:19,580 --> 00:16:21,620
♪ This little fella won't get you
through college
263
00:16:21,820 --> 00:16:24,900
♪ No, no ask me about summer so
Let everybody in the house say...
264
00:16:25,100 --> 00:16:26,720
Cowardly.
265
00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:28,340
Do a header!
266
00:16:28,540 --> 00:16:31,900
♪ To play sport and to forget to call
their mums on the telephone
267
00:16:32,100 --> 00:16:33,620
♪ Use some bass, lower the tone
268
00:16:33,820 --> 00:16:36,420
♪ Lower the tone
Don't ask me cos me not know!
269
00:16:36,620 --> 00:16:39,780
♪ Say Ho ho
♪ Say Ho wo Ho wo
270
00:16:39,980 --> 00:16:43,140
♪ Eat my goal... ♪
Do a goal!
271
00:16:46,500 --> 00:16:49,180
MAKES FLAT NOTE
272
00:17:02,340 --> 00:17:05,300
This is rubbish.
273
00:17:05,500 --> 00:17:08,460
GENERAL CHATTER
274
00:17:22,460 --> 00:17:25,260
What? What?
I don't know.
275
00:17:25,460 --> 00:17:31,340
It's just that it looked like you
were going to say something...
276
00:17:31,540 --> 00:17:34,700
I don't know, something deep.
277
00:17:34,900 --> 00:17:37,860
To get us motivated
for the second half.
278
00:17:38,060 --> 00:17:39,180
There's a second half.
279
00:17:39,380 --> 00:17:41,160
Oh my days.
280
00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:43,410
I knew that.
281
00:17:43,610 --> 00:17:45,660
Alfie, a word?
282
00:17:50,780 --> 00:17:52,340
Look, this is ridiculous.
283
00:17:52,540 --> 00:17:55,300
We're playing like, the school
equivalent of Man United,
284
00:17:55,500 --> 00:17:57,140
and one of my team
is in a wheelchair.
285
00:17:57,340 --> 00:17:58,380
He's not even the worst.
286
00:17:58,580 --> 00:18:01,020
He's the only person in the first
half to have won a header.
287
00:18:01,220 --> 00:18:03,300
Look, Alfie.
288
00:18:03,500 --> 00:18:05,260
It's understandable.
289
00:18:05,460 --> 00:18:08,900
Seeing the man again can trigger
suppressed emotions.
290
00:18:09,100 --> 00:18:11,420
Honestly, I'm fine. I'm so over it.
291
00:18:11,620 --> 00:18:14,180
It was so long ago.
I was like fifteen.
292
00:18:14,380 --> 00:18:16,660
Jesus. Look, Alfie,
293
00:18:16,860 --> 00:18:21,420
I know you're traumatised
but remember what I said,
294
00:18:21,620 --> 00:18:24,140
it's not your fault.
295
00:18:24,340 --> 00:18:26,660
Well, it kind of was.
296
00:18:26,860 --> 00:18:30,180
No, Alfie. It's not.
You're the victim.
297
00:18:30,380 --> 00:18:31,980
Say it, "it's not my fault".
298
00:18:32,180 --> 00:18:34,620
It's not my fault
Doesn't that feel better?
299
00:18:34,820 --> 00:18:38,300
Not really. Look I've been thinking,
can't I just throw in the towel?
300
00:18:38,500 --> 00:18:41,220
No. This is more than the match now.
301
00:18:41,420 --> 00:18:45,480
If you win this, you're not
winning for you but all the people
302
00:18:45,680 --> 00:18:49,740
who've had their voices
taken away by beasts like Humpage.
303
00:18:49,940 --> 00:18:51,460
Don't let him win.
304
00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:55,340
Yeah.
305
00:18:55,540 --> 00:18:57,720
Yeah, I guess you're right.
306
00:18:57,920 --> 00:19:00,100
This game does mean a lot.
307
00:19:00,300 --> 00:19:02,620
You can do it! I can.
308
00:19:02,820 --> 00:19:06,420
Come on! I can do it, come on!
309
00:19:07,500 --> 00:19:09,940
OK, people.
310
00:19:10,140 --> 00:19:15,300
Do you want to know what Middleton
House are saying about us right now?
311
00:19:15,500 --> 00:19:17,860
Arseholes! >
312
00:19:18,060 --> 00:19:23,980
They're also saying that we are
just going to bend over and take it.
313
00:19:24,180 --> 00:19:25,340
So they got my group text?
314
00:19:25,540 --> 00:19:29,260
You know, I heard some of them saying
315
00:19:29,460 --> 00:19:32,420
about one of you in particular,
316
00:19:32,620 --> 00:19:34,900
who will remain nameless,
317
00:19:35,100 --> 00:19:36,900
was so ugly,
318
00:19:37,100 --> 00:19:41,140
pathetic and physically deformed,
319
00:19:41,340 --> 00:19:44,460
that they should get
a Pride of Britain award
320
00:19:44,660 --> 00:19:47,260
just for not killing themselves.
321
00:19:48,580 --> 00:19:51,460
Now are we really going to take that?
322
00:19:52,860 --> 00:19:55,700
Or are we, for Joe's sake,
323
00:19:57,060 --> 00:19:58,860
going to say no?
324
00:19:59,060 --> 00:20:03,780
Let's show them.
Quitting is out of the question.
325
00:20:03,980 --> 00:20:05,300
When it gets tough,
326
00:20:05,500 --> 00:20:07,820
we gotta fight some more.
327
00:20:08,020 --> 00:20:09,800
We've gotta fight.
328
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:11,580
Fight! Fight! Fight!
329
00:20:11,780 --> 00:20:14,260
Fight for this love! Yeah!
330
00:20:14,460 --> 00:20:17,660
Ready your breakfasts,
and eat hearty,
331
00:20:17,860 --> 00:20:21,060
for tonight we dine in hell.
332
00:20:21,260 --> 00:20:24,540
Let's get out there.
333
00:20:24,740 --> 00:20:27,280
THIS IS SPARTA!
334
00:20:27,480 --> 00:20:30,020
Yeah! Go on!
335
00:20:36,180 --> 00:20:38,380
Rem Dogg's injured.
336
00:20:38,580 --> 00:20:39,980
Puncture.
337
00:20:41,380 --> 00:20:43,120
Can I play second half, Sir?
338
00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:45,060
All right Stephen. You're up!
339
00:20:46,140 --> 00:20:49,620
This is the ball. OK?
340
00:20:49,820 --> 00:20:51,700
Mitchell will pass you the ball
341
00:20:51,900 --> 00:20:54,220
and then you kick it straight
to Grayson.
342
00:20:54,420 --> 00:20:56,100
Understand?
343
00:21:34,580 --> 00:21:36,900
Goal!
344
00:21:49,380 --> 00:21:50,900
Sprinkler.
345
00:21:51,100 --> 00:21:52,980
Do the Sprinkler!
346
00:21:54,020 --> 00:21:56,300
Come on, you tripstoppers!
347
00:21:56,500 --> 00:21:58,740
Come on, Middleton.
348
00:22:01,180 --> 00:22:03,140
Get in!
349
00:22:04,140 --> 00:22:06,460
What's the matter with you?
You hoo!
350
00:22:06,660 --> 00:22:08,380
What's the matter with you...?
351
00:22:08,580 --> 00:22:11,380
The bloke in the wheelchair's
faster than you lot!
352
00:22:14,900 --> 00:22:17,780
♪ Get yer tits out,
get yer tits out...!
353
00:22:17,980 --> 00:22:18,940
Not now.
354
00:22:19,140 --> 00:22:22,980
More goals.. Yes! Inflation!
355
00:22:55,460 --> 00:22:59,960
OK, you want to play?
You want to party?
356
00:23:00,160 --> 00:23:04,660
Right, let's heat this party up,
huh.
357
00:23:04,860 --> 00:23:07,540
Oh ho yeah, Humpage.
358
00:23:07,740 --> 00:23:11,980
I like to party, and I've been to
far hotter parties than this.
359
00:23:12,180 --> 00:23:16,780
In fact, I like to party in a sauna.
360
00:23:16,980 --> 00:23:21,860
Yeah. And I've partied with far
bigger men than you.
361
00:23:23,380 --> 00:23:25,260
I can go all night long.
362
00:23:27,180 --> 00:23:29,500
OK. Come on Middleton.
363
00:23:29,700 --> 00:23:31,580
WHISTLE BLOWS
364
00:23:31,780 --> 00:23:33,660
Come on, Abbey Grove.
365
00:23:44,580 --> 00:23:46,840
Careful, Alfie.
366
00:23:47,040 --> 00:23:49,100
Do him, Sir.
367
00:23:49,300 --> 00:23:52,740
You stupid little quitting
quitting quitter.
368
00:23:52,940 --> 00:23:56,380
QU-IT-TER spells quitter!
369
00:23:56,580 --> 00:23:59,300
Quit, quit, quit...
370
00:23:59,500 --> 00:24:02,460
Wickers quitter. Quitter Wickers.
371
00:24:02,660 --> 00:24:08,340
Wicker, Wicker, Wicker, Wicker. Quitter, quitter,
quitter, quitter, quitter. All you do it quit.
372
00:24:08,540 --> 00:24:12,580
You're only good for quitting.
Quitter! You quitter!
373
00:24:21,340 --> 00:24:23,140
AMBULANCE SIREN
374
00:24:24,860 --> 00:24:26,780
Wickers, what have you done?
375
00:24:26,980 --> 00:24:31,100
If you have harmed a hair
on his beautiful body.
376
00:24:31,300 --> 00:24:35,420
Wickers. Wickers,
I know I've been harsh, boy,
377
00:24:35,620 --> 00:24:38,380
but I only ever wanted
the best for you.
378
00:24:38,580 --> 00:24:40,860
You've finally got what you
deserved, you pig!
379
00:24:41,060 --> 00:24:42,580
Steady on.
380
00:24:42,780 --> 00:24:45,340
You should be ashamed of yourself
for what you put him through!
381
00:24:45,540 --> 00:24:47,580
What I put him through?
It was his fault.
382
00:24:47,780 --> 00:24:52,980
How dare you say that. Of course
it's not his fault. He's the victim.
383
00:24:53,180 --> 00:24:54,700
Why do you keep calling me
the victim?
384
00:24:54,900 --> 00:24:58,020
Because you are, Alfie.
Don't you see? Oh God.
385
00:24:58,220 --> 00:25:04,500
Enough is enough. You've got to accept it.
You are the victim of a rapist.
386
00:25:04,700 --> 00:25:08,940
What? Yes. That's right,
you heard me. You are a rapist.
387
00:25:09,140 --> 00:25:10,260
You raped poor Alfie.
388
00:25:10,460 --> 00:25:13,820
What are you talking about?!
No, I didn't.
389
00:25:14,020 --> 00:25:17,180
Erm, Mr Humpage definitely
didn't rape me.
390
00:25:17,380 --> 00:25:25,220
Where did you get that idea? Alfie, you
said something went on in the second year.
391
00:25:25,420 --> 00:25:28,340
Yeah. I quit his sports team.
392
00:25:28,540 --> 00:25:31,260
And you were the most promising
student I ever coached.
393
00:25:31,460 --> 00:25:32,820
You could have gone pro.
394
00:25:33,020 --> 00:25:37,340
When you threw it away
it tore me up inside.
395
00:25:37,540 --> 00:25:40,300
Hang on. You said you didn't want
to talk about it
396
00:25:40,500 --> 00:25:45,500
cos for a man it's embarrassing but there's nothing
embarrassing about quitting the football team.
397
00:25:45,700 --> 00:25:50,180
Erm, wait, er, what sport
are we talking about here?
398
00:25:50,380 --> 00:25:51,900
Weight lifting. Irish dancing.
399
00:25:52,100 --> 00:25:53,140
THEY ALL SNIGGER
400
00:25:53,340 --> 00:25:56,940
You should have seen his soft
shoe hornpipe.
401
00:25:57,140 --> 00:25:58,180
We had such plans.
402
00:25:58,380 --> 00:26:01,900
First, we'd take Broadway,
then the world.
403
00:26:02,100 --> 00:26:07,500
I mean, who else had ever thought of a
show consisting entirely of Irish dancing?
404
00:26:07,700 --> 00:26:12,780
The day you turned your back on dance
was the day you shattered my dreams!
405
00:26:15,780 --> 00:26:18,380
Ooh...
406
00:26:18,580 --> 00:26:20,380
Oh gosh.
407
00:26:20,580 --> 00:26:22,180
I'm sorry.
408
00:26:22,380 --> 00:26:24,180
Right, get the ambulance.
409
00:26:24,380 --> 00:26:26,980
My future job prospects
could be dying here.
410
00:26:27,180 --> 00:26:30,780
Do it for me, Alfie. One more time.
411
00:26:30,980 --> 00:26:32,380
Before I go.
412
00:26:33,580 --> 00:26:36,040
I couldn't, I can't.
413
00:26:36,240 --> 00:26:38,290
I haven't warmed up.
414
00:26:38,490 --> 00:26:40,540
I might pull something.
415
00:26:40,740 --> 00:26:42,260
Go on, Alfie.
416
00:26:42,460 --> 00:26:44,380
I can't wait to see this.
417
00:26:44,580 --> 00:26:46,500
Sir, do it. Sir, do it.
418
00:26:48,380 --> 00:26:51,340
Just one last time.
419
00:27:27,660 --> 00:27:29,580
So, that's it really.
420
00:27:29,780 --> 00:27:32,420
Don't know why I gave it up.
421
00:27:32,620 --> 00:27:34,180
Gay!
422
00:27:34,380 --> 00:27:36,180
Oh yeah. That's why.
423
00:27:36,380 --> 00:27:39,500
Not bad, but it lacked a little
panache. Let's go again.
424
00:27:39,700 --> 00:27:44,740
And that's the other.
Match abandoned. It's a draw.
32774
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