Original subtitles

- Oh. Hi, everybody. - Morning.

Morning, ALF. How are you this fine Saturday morning?

Alright.

I'll be better once I have some coffee

and we talk about death.

Death?

I believe it was Nietzsche who put it best

"Life is short. And when it ends

we crumble and stink like an overripe blue cheese."

What's he talking about?

I found some pictures of you guys taken before my arrival.

Notice anything obvious?

Besides being incredibly happy?

Actually, what struck me is how much you've aged.

Especially you, Kate.

I still have 400 years ahead of me.

What am I gonna do when you guys move in with the dirt people?

Well, we hadn't really thought about it.

Uh, I suppose you'll move in with Lynn.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute.

This is the first I've heard of this.

B?

I'm sorry, ALF, but I just can't commit.

I see.

And so it starts.

[theme music]

I should have crashed on a planet where people live longer.

I never plan ahead.

ALF, you're driving us crazy with this death obsession.

You and Woody Allen.

At least it's funny when he does it.

Oh, he's just bitter because he can't sell a sitcom.

Well, whatever.

Come on, everybody.

We're not gonna be home too late.

Wait! Do you have to go?

Well, what if something happens to you?

What will I do?

ALF, for the last time, nothing is going to happen.

We're only going to a bar mitzvah.

Still, I want you to take two cars

and drive fast through the bad neighborhoods.

Kate, you take the lead car

and wear something bright to draw their fire.

ALF, has anyone ever told you when you dwell on something

you become annoyingly obsessed?

No, but thank you.

Come on, we're running late, hon.

- Bye, ALF. - Bye, ALF.

- Bye. - 'Bye.'

Hey, whatever you do don't get trapped between fat people

and the buffet table.

Oh, who am I kidding?

I've gotta face facts.

One day, Willie and Kate are gonna take that six-foot dive.

And then what?

Oh, Lynn.

Sweet, unfocused Lynn.

Maybe you're my hope.

[instrumental music]

[mosquito buzzing]

ALF, you weren't eating bugs again, were you?

I can't help it, Lynn. I'm hungry.

They were practically daring me.

Oh, but I made us some nice chicken broth.

Chicken broth?

What's the occasion?

Well, Robert's been working so hard lately.

He looks so drawn.

I thought a nice, hot meal

might be just the thing to pick his spirits up.

When is your yutz of a husband gonna

shape up and do something with his life?

[Lynn sighs]

You're starting to sound like my mother.

You mother, may she burn for eternity was right.

Honey, I'm home.

Oh, darling.

Did you get a good spot on the boardwalk today?

Yep. Right next to the public restrooms.

Well, it's about time.

- How much did you make? - Seventeen dollars.

Oh, honey!

Oh, I have something for you.

Nice to see you haven't wasted the last 30 years.

Thank you, ALF.

You know I need to hear that from time to time.

Oy.

Oh, I came up with something new today.

I hope it's edible.

You know the old man-trapped-in-a-box routine?

It's one of my very favorites.

Well, I found a new twist on it.

Something that makes it totally unique.

Man trapped in a pyramid.

[laughing]

Watch this.

Now, here's where it gets really difficult, see.

You have to define the space as a point.

And all you have are your hands.

That's what makes this really hard.

It's amazing nobody's beaten you senseless.

You still don't believe in our dream, do you?

Robert's going to be recognized as a genius someday.

And then we'll have everything we ever wanted.

Oh, of course.

All you have to do is take a drive through Beverly Hills

and see the mansions built by famous mimes.

Face it. There's no payoff.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I have 17 big ones that says you're wrong.

[laughing]

Oh, wake up and smell the invisible flowers.

Get a job.

[telephone rings]

You two.

Hello. Yes.

Well, just a moment, please.

Honey, it's the circus.

Oh, boy.

[laughing]

This is it.

Hello.

Yes, this is Robert Sherwood.

A job?

No, I'm not tied to the mime thing.

Thank you.

You won't be sorry.

See you Monday.

What was that all about?

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Somebody shoot me.

¶ Honey I got a job with the circus ¶

[screaming with excitement]

Will you be making more than $17 a day?

Well, not at first.

Good career move.

And the best part is

there's a place for both of you in the act.

But won't that mean my giving up school

and throwing away 30 years of college.

I was so close to declaring a major.

I hadn't thought of that, but yes, I guess it would.

Is that okay?

Can I wear a funny hat?

If I have anything to say about it, pumpkin.

Then let's go for it.

[laughing]

No! You're both insane!

What about your dream?

What about your space by the men's room?

Are you gonna throw that all away?

It just feels right.

[both chuckle]

[crowd applauding]

Ladies and gentlemen!

Introducing the amazing Robertino

and his incredible target, Bobo

the complaining freak of nature.

[groaning]

Lynn, can't we reconsider this?

I mean, shouldn't he have at least rehearsed this thing?

Well, he figured he may only get one chance at it.

[screaming]

Hey! Hey, watch it. That was too close.

[screams]

Hey! Couldn't I have at least worn a cup?

Well, so much for Lynn.

I guess I'm gonna have to rely on my worst-case scenario.

I'm relatively sure Brian won't marry a mime.

He'd only run out of things to say.

[instrumental music]

Here you go, ALF.

I gave you some extra meat fat.

Brian, is this eating-on-the-floor thing

gonna be permanent?

I'm sorry.

Roxanne doesn't want anything

with fur at the table unless she's wearing it.

The cat gets to eat at the table.

I know it seems inconsistent, but she says it's not.

And I believe her.

Your wife hates me.

There you go again.

You've got a persecution complex a mile long.

Brakes fail. Elevator cables snap.

Beds go aflame.

All before lunch?

Come on, B, what do you say

we grab a few pillow cases of this cash

get some plastic surgery and start over?

ALF, Roxanne is my wife, and I love her.

Besides, her family's olive-oil

business has been very good for all of us.

Oh, Brian, Brian.

Stupid Brian.

Have you seen one olive in the last 20 years?

Your wife runs the most powerful mob family in North Hollywood.

That's not true. You take that back.

Oh, come on. Why is there always so much cash around here?

Okay. Alright. I asked her about that.

She said a lot of their olive oil

is sold on freeway off-ramps.

It's a cash business.

- 'Hello, sweetheart.' - I've missed you.

Hey, Vinnie. Hey, Buck.

Boys, why don't you wait outside until the big concert tonight?

I think it is so nice

that you give them time off to pursue their musical career.

God.

ALF, I brought you something.

[gasps]

Do you know what that means?

Didn't Uncle Louie get one of these

just before that freak welding accident?

Hi, Mom and Dad.

- Angel. - Hello, Son.

Brian, Jr. My favorite, favorite child.

It's bothering me again.

Oh, don't worry, Brian.

I gave it a black rose.

Ciao.

Honey, I'm gonna go into town.

I'm gonna get a manicure and a facial.

Good idea. I'll go with you.

I could use a mudpack.

I don't want you leaving the compound right now.

I know, why don't you go

upstairs and try on that nice, little present I got you

when I was in Washington at those pesky committee hearings?

Cool!

- A guy could get used to this. - Oh, you.

Mom, yesterday I saw ALF on the couch.

And this time,

I've got a fur ball to prove it.

[gasps]

[laughs]

Oh, what a nice boy you are.

Uh, but might I suggest

that perhaps the fur ball belongs to the cat?

[Roxanne chuckles]

You have never liked Fifi, have you?

Hmm?

Me? I love that cat.

What you may not know is

we share the same rare blood type.

Which could come in handy

if Fifi were ever caught in, oh, say, musical crossfire.

Boys, take Mr. Shumway

to the amphitheater and play for him.

The amphitheater?

It's not even finished yet.

They're just now pouring the ceme--

[shouts]

Brian!

Wow.

Imagine Brian being a kept man.

Well, at least he found something he's good at.

[groans]

Life stinks, and then 400 years later, you die.

Kind of a bummer, isn't it?

[groans]

Looks like I'm down to my last Tanner.

Little Eric.

An amorphous pink blob.

What can he do?

He drools, he laughs at stupid things

he whines and cries to get attention.

Well, at least we have those things in common.

[squeeze box music]

Shall we play another one, Sparky?

You go ahead. I'll be by the water cooler.

Oh, you're such a poop.

Ow, ow!

Not so hard, Eric.

[laughing]

You know what time it is now, Sparky?

Uh-oh.

Yes! It's Mr. Mailbag time.

Let's see.

Here's a letter from Billy Redseed

of Portland, Oregon.

And it seems Billy has a fascination with fire.

You know, these letters should really be screened first.

Billy would like to see Sparky jump through hoops of flames.

Fire, Sparky.

I don't like where television's going.

Ta-da!

You've gotta be kidding.

I'll never get through those.

Well, anybody can get through the big ones.

Now stop being Mr. Negative

and show the boys and girls at home

that the body can achieve what the mind can conceive.

Oh, Mr. Eric, Mr. Sparky Mr. Big Hand's on the 12.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Big Hand.

I'll take you out for a Mr. Cocktail later.

Well, that's all the time we have for today, kids.

But be sure to tune in next week

for everybody's favorite "Fun With Sharp Objects."

Ow!

See you next week.

Right, Sparky?

God willing.

(male #1) And we're out.

Eric, are you crazy?

I'm not jumping through hoops of fire.

First, you won't swim through mud.

Then you have a hissy fit

about being thrown through a window.

And now you get upset over a little fire.

Where is it going to end?

I don't need this, Eric.

You're right.

You don't need this.

I'm gonna do something I should have done a long time ago.

Clean my box?

I want you to meet someone.

[whistles]

Sparky, this is Bootsy.

Bootsy, this is Sparky.

Always a pleasure to meet one of your dates.

I have some bad news, Sparky.

I don't want you to take this personally

but you're out of the act.

What?

How could you do this to me after 30 years?

I practically raised you.

If it's the fire thing, I'll do it.

I'll jump through the stinking hoops and land on sharp objects.

Let's see Bootsy do that.

ALF, don't humiliate yourself.

- Goodbye. - Hey, wait!

Aw, Bootsy's giving you a big Bootsy bye-bye.

(ALF) 'Yeah, well, I'm giving Bootsy a gesture of my own.'

'Gee, it's dirty in here.'

Well, the kids are a wash.

I guess I'm gonna have to take my chances with Willie and Kate.

But Willie's my goombah.

He'll hang on.

And Kate?

I'll just have to keep Willie functional as long as possible.

Beautiful day.

Another beautiful, boring, lonely, horrible day.

I should drop dead.

It could only help.

ALF, go and open the curtain

let me watch the sun setting over the ocean.

The curtains are open.

Well, how come I can't see the ocean?

There is no ocean out there, Willie.

We live in the valley.

It's landlocked. Like your mind.

After all I've done for you

you won't even let me watch the sunset.

I could've own that ocean for what I've spent on you.

Kate was right.

"Let's drop him off in the snow," she used to say.

Did I listen?

Oh, keep it down.

Oh, there it is. I see it now.

Thank you.

Was that so difficult?

ALF, can you forgive a doddering, senile old man?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now I've got work to do, huh?

Okay. Thank you.

Hello, is this the Taylor Ball Bearings Company?

Um, do you have a Xerox copier.

Well, you're in luck because our company

recently overstocked on some name-brand toner--

He's lying! It's a scam! Don't fall for it!

Did I mention that there's a free gift involved?

No, no, no! Scam! Scam! Scam!

May I call you back?

Yes, thank you.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

You just lost me another client.

I'm sorry. Go on, make another phone call.

I won't interrupt again.

I promise. Really.

[Kate laughing]

Now what?

Grease fire.

Curtains, whoosh!

Old, batty, over-medicated.

Look at those seagulls.

They carry diseases, you know?

I can't prove it, but I know they do.

I hope the kids like these afghans.

I'm making them big enough

so they can tent their homes in winter.

Better not come in here, the filthy, germ-infested vermin.

Oh, don't worry.

I think they're living in Seattle now.

What did I tell you about using the stove without supervision?

Huh?

- You know it's off-limits. - Okay, okay.

Hey, I've got a secret.

I've got my bra on backwards.

Big deal. So does Willie.

Tattletale.

No good. No damn good!

You were right.

We should have dropped him off in the snow.

Why don't you read us that nice letter we just got from Lynnie?

Because it came three years ago.

And I've read it to you 500 times.

And it was a postcard.

I worked my whole life to support him.

And now he won't even read us our mail.

Then at least describe the stamp.

Is that too much to ask?

Hello, Alien Task Force?

Yes, I'm an alien and I'd like to turn myself in.

I know it involves dissection.

That's fine.

In fact, I welcome it.

Just get me out of here!

ALF, I hope you realize

we'd never do any of those things.

And thanks for having such a high opinion of us.

ALF, I know you're really worried

and you have every right to be

but just tell me one thing did I have all my hair?

Your hair was the least of your problems.

ALF, no matter what happens

as long as you have to stay hidden

we'll always make provisions for you.

Prove it. Put the house in my name.

[theme music]