Original subtitles

There I was, on a lonely deserted mountain road

in the middle of the night, when suddenly

my breaks failed on the downgrade.

Oh, Maxine, you must have been scared out of you wits.

Let's just say I was screaming

my mantra at the top of my lungs.

I'll bet.

I kept going faster and faster

when, suddenly, another power took control

and-and pushed me into the passenger seat.

Usually, I don't let other people drive my car.

And that was the first time you met, uh--?

What did you say your friend's name was?

Vlad. The warrior god.

[sighs] Maxine, this is fascinating.

But where would a 6000-year-old Mayan warrior

learn to down-shift a Toyota?

I know you're skeptical.

But if it wasn't for Vlad..

...I wouldn't be alive to be reunited with Neal.

Did you say "reunited"?

Ours has been one of the great romances throughout history.

Didn't Neal tell you?

Well, we haven't spoken in a couple of days.

- Would you like some more tea? - No, thank you.

- Neal? - No, thank you.

I think I'll get us some anyway.

- I'll give you a hand. - Come on.

Do you like 'em?

How can I like them after what they did to my village?

Alright, who wants to go first?

ALF, it's easy to criticize, but the world

is made up of all kinds of different people.

As we've seen this evening Maxine herself

is made of seven or eight of them.

Still, if she marries into the family

do I have to hide from Vlad?

Well, we'll just have to..

..meet Vlad and make that decision then.

Shh.

Hey, look at it this way. You haven't lost a brother.

You've gained a god.

[all laughing]

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

You will all be glad to see me burn.

But if I go through the fire.

I shall go through it to their hearts.

Forever and ever.

And so, God be with me.

Not bad. Now do it again.

And this time, try to show a little leg.

Alf, I'm auditioning for Joan of arc.

I don't really think that would be appropriate.

Just tell me if I've got the lines right.

Okay. But I'm telling you.

It would be a lot funnier

if you were holding a rubber chicken.

It's not a comedy.

Well, not the way you're doing it.

Hey, I've got a great idea!

When they strike the first torch

grab your big toe and hop around

yelling, "Hot foot! Hot foot!"

I'm tied to a stake!

You're tied to a piece of meat

and you don't see the humor in that?

No.

Well, then you might want to consider

a couple of well-placed tassels.

Thanks.

- You've been no help at all. - What's wrong?

He wants me to hold a rubber chicken

and wear tassels.

I guess he figures 'cause he got Brian to do it once.

[knock on door]

Oh. Alf.

It's Neal.

Oh, great.

God's gag gift to women.

- Hey, Neal. - Willie.

The most amazing thing just happened.

- Hi, Uncle Neal. - Hi, Neal.

It's incredible.

It caught me totally by surprise.

You won't ever guess what it is.

Your ex-wife's coming to town.

Brian, please. Go on, Neal.

Actually, that's it.

How did you know?

It's his standard guess.

Well, anyway, you'll never guess

why she's coming to town.

She wants you back?

Can you bend spoons, too?

Wha...Neal, when did all this happen?

[car horn honks]

[sighs] That's my ride.

Gotta go.

We'll see you.

You know, Neal, that really is amazing.

I can't believe that Margaret, after all she's put you through

that she would have the nerve to call you up

and ask you to take her back.

It must have felt really good

to finally tell her off, eh?

Well, I...I suppose it would

had I taken that approach.

Don't tell me you're actually

considering taking her back!

Willie, I don't understand what you-what you find so wrong

with my wanting to go back to someone

I spent ten years of my life with!

Neal, get a clue.

They hate her!

Willie, is that true?

Willie...now, Margaret does have her sweet side.

Oh, you're not still buying into that

"Poor little helpless me" act of hers, are you?

I mean, she walked out on you.

Neal, even if she weren't

manipulative, domineering, selfish..

Honey, honey. Shh.

Those are his words.

Still, Neal may not wanna hear them again right now.

I think what Kate is trying to say

and she speaks for all of us

is you're in it so deep, we're all giving up.

[instrumental music]

So, what shall we watch on TV tonight?

I've narrowed it down to "Nova: Inside the Atom".

Eh.

And-and I'm not lobbying for this.

"My Mother the Car!" Yeah!

I'm not watching a show where someone's mom

comes back as a talking car.

What do you mean? You laugh at "Mister Ed" every night.

It's entirely different.

[sighs] It's a talking horse.

What's the difference?

First of all, Ed did not "come back".

And second, there's no physical way

that a car can talk.

Well, that's not necessarily true.

- If, let's say, the car-- - Honey, honey.

Please don't let him suck you into this conversation.

- I'm gonna win this time. - Mm-mmm.

Listen, a car is a machine--

Well..

...guess what happened.

You didn't get the part.

Will you stop that!

Tell us, honey.

I didn't get the part.

There'll be other roles.

I know. I got one. It's one line.

I share it with six other students. I'm a knight.

I don't even get to play my own gender.

I told you you should've shown a little leg.

[knock on door]

(Neal) 'It's me, Neal.'

- Hi. - Hi, everybody.

Willie, I wanna thank you for forcing me

to see what a...a fool I've been.

What are you talking about, Neal?

Well, I was up all night thinking about Margaret

and-and you were right.

I mean, we had an empty marriage.

She used me as her cook, her masseur

until just the right credit dentist came along.

I mean, I don't know why I didn't see through her.

You could barely see around her.

So, I acted on my feelings

and I-I did the only thing I could.

[gasps] You threw her body in the trunk of your car?!

It's always the quiet ones.

No.

Margaret's at the airport

and I told her to take a cab here

because I didn't wanna see her alone.

What?!

Well I didn't think

Willie should reject her for me on the phone.

It's so impersonal.

Neal, I hope you understand, for your sake

why Willie can't do this for you.

Oh, please, just this once Willie.

[chuckling]

Forget it.

Fine. I'll do it myself.

But this is the last favor I do for you.

Spoken like a true invertebrate.

[instrumental music]

What could be taking her so long?

Maybe she met another dentist on her way here

and is being worked on as we speak.

What?

[doorbell rings]

Willie, at least tell me what to do.

Just be honest, Neal.

Tell her that you appreciate her feelings.

You just don't happen to share them.

Yeah, and don't let the door

hit her big butt on the way out.

- ALF! - I've seen pictures.

I'm allowed an opinion.

Hello, Neal.

Margaret!

You look..

...wonderful!

W-wh-what'd you do to yourself?

Oh, gosh. Well, let's see, uh..

...it was a combination of joining a gym..

...running three miles a day..

...eating only healthy foods.

But mostly it was the extensive surgery.

Most women wouldn't be so honest about that.

I think I've paid the price for lying, don't you?

You look well.

So do you.

'Uh..'

So how much did you lose, 60, 80 pounds?

You always did know the right thing to say.

I know I've hurt you.

And I have no right

to ask you to give me another chance.

But I'm asking.

Get your popcorn. Get your flakes.

Get your sugar daddies.

Get away from the pass-through.

Give him a little privacy.

But she's got him on the ropes, Willie.

She's pounding his midsection.

What's keeping him up?

Uh-oh. Uh-oh! Uh-oh!

[whispering] What? What?

[jazz music]

Not since Tyson and Givens

has a man been so outmatched in the ring.

[instrumental music]

We should invite Margaret and Neal

to go to the movies with us.

Huh! Only if you take them to see

"Throw Margaret from the Train."

ALF, Margaret and Neal

have rekindled something in each other

and no matter how much that repels us

it looks like she's gonna be around for a while.

- Willie. - I'm sorry, Kate.

I don't like her. I didn't like her then

and I don't trust her now.

Oh, what the heck?

Let's go to the movies.

Well, anyway, it's not for us to judge

what mutually destructive qualities

two people need to make them happy.

I think we should just stay out of it.

It's too late, anyway.

The guy's so ripped, he's butter.

Just stay out of trouble.

[instrumental music]

(Del Rubio) 'This is Joey Del Rubio'

'and I can show you how to make a million dollars'

'in your spare time.'

'I did it, and so can you.'

Well, do us all a favor.

Take 20 bucks out and get your tooth cleaned.

[telephone ringing]

(Del Rubio) '29.95. What's more, you'll have...'

Hello.

Oh, hi, Neal.

What's up, dude?

[shower running] Yeah, is Willie there?

Anybody?

Darn, we're so excited about our news and there's nobody to tell.

Oh, then let me find someone.

[deep voice] Hello? You're the guy with the news, huh?

Sorry, ALF.

Margaret and I are getting married.

What?!

Yeah! We're driving to Vegas to tie the knot.

But, Neal..

(Margaret) 'Honey?'

Uh, listen, I gotta go.

Uh, tell everybody the good news for me, okay? Bye.

But, Neal, wait! Don't..

[click, dial tone]

...hang up.

Oh!

This had to happen on my watch.

Do I sit by and do nothing

or risk all and save the poor schlub?

Well..

...it is Vegas.

And there is that sock of quarters

Brian's been saving.

[instrumental music]

Just think, in less than an hour

we're going to be husband and wife.

Again.

And my sister and her four sons

could move back in with us.

She's down to 280 now

and she's practically back on her feet.

You like sissy, don't you, Neal?

[gasps] Look out!

[brakes squeal]

Where were you going?

I, uh...guess I was having..

...one too many happy thoughts. Uh..

[clears throat]

You know-you know, Margaret

I-I was thinking, um..

...it wouldn't be so bad if we lived in Los Angeles, would it?

Do you have to make an issue out of where we're gonna live?

Well, it-it's just that I-I like Los Angeles, and I--

Honey, let's not argue on our wedding night.

Let's pop for the swankiest room in town.

Maybe the hotel with the cowboy

with the arm that goes like this...

[horn honking]

[gasps]

Honestly, honey, your happy thoughts are gonna kill us.

[instrumental music]

You mind if I go in first?

I'd like to freshen up for you.

I'm still not happy with this face.

You really stepped in it this time, Neal.

Have you gone crazy? What are you doing here?

I came to see Rickles.

I came to stop you from making

the biggest mistake of your life.

Again.

Do Willie and Kate know you're here?

Yeah, yeah. I had a hall pass. My dog ate it.

Look, ALF, I appreciate your concern.

But this is none of your business.

I wanna do this.

Well, if I were a strict Freudian

I'd say your forays into oncoming traffic

belay a deep underlying scarediness.

You picked up on that, huh?

What are you thinking about, man?

Well..

...we were..

...in the throes of, well..

...reuniting, and--

Whoa! Stop. Stop.

Stop, stop.

Why am I doubting myself?

Could it be because your blood's on its way back to your brain?

What am I doing?

I'm just gonna go in there

and put this happiest day of my life behind me.

Oh, will you forget Margaret!

We're in the most exciting city in Nevada.

Donny Osmond's opening for Morey Amsterdam.

We could go to the Liberace museum.

Or look for a free breakfast.

[car door closes]

There's so much to do.

And me without clothes.

[indistinct wedding ceremony]

It's not lady Di's wedding.

But then again, she didn't get a free pull on the slots.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

Congratulations.

Now, here's your setup.

The paper plates are on the table.

So go hit the buffet.

Number 41.

Forty one.

(both) Right here!

[clears throat]

"It always warms my heart to see two people

so madly in love."

Now, the basic wedding is $45.

The videotape, the flowers, and the rice, that's an extra 75.

We offer an Elvis witness for $50 or the fat Elvis for 35.

So?

Uh...just the basic wedding.

Were those guys ever a bad investment.

[sighs]

[organ music plays]

We are gathered here to join

Neal Tanner and Margaret Tanner.

Wh...are you two first cousins?

'Cause you're gonna have to go to Texas for that.

No. It's a long story.

With a happy ending, right, Neal?

Uh...I know this is inappropriate, but, uh..

...I'll be right back.

Is something wrong, honey?

Uh, no, I'm, uh, I'm fine.

I just, uh, need to run to the rest room

and, uh, throw myself a quick bachelor party.

Number 43.

Forty three.

ALF.

Neal, you're in luck.

I found a girl for you that

has all the qualities Margaret lacks.

Plus she takes Visa.

Why do you suppose that is?

Put that down.

Okay.

So, are you married?

No.

We got as far as the vows

and I realized that I don't love her anymore.

Yes! Yes!

Start the car!

Hop in the backseat. I'll drive.

This way we won't attract attention to ourselves.

What am I gonna do?

What-what if Margaret's the only one who will want me?

Then...take this sock of quarters

and buy a gun.

That's it.

I go-I gotta tell her.

I-I just don't know how to break it to her. I..

Take a deep breath.

Try to imagine life in ten years.

Your survival instinct should kick in after that.

Okay.

[car door closes]

What you babes are missing.

How was the party?

[sighs] Nobody came.

Pretty flimsy.

Yeah.

I know.

What's the matter?

You can tell me anything. You know that.

Margaret...I--

Wait, wait. Let's get married first.

We can talk later.

Believe me, I never wanted to hurt you.

Margaret...don't do this to yourself.

Get your own plate.

Margaret, give me this.

You have never forgiven me, have you?

No, it's not that.

It's just that..

[sighs]

I don't love you anymore, Margaret.

I don't understand.

Just three hours ago in short, quick breaths

you made it quite clear that--

I know, I know but I think that came more out of

who we used to be than who we are now.

I never should have left you.

Maybe.

But we're different people now.

And hopefully we'll come out of this

stronger and better.

Well, I guess that's that.

Still friends?

Oh, of course.

Can I give you a lift back?

Nah.

I've got a thumb and a pretty nice leg

now, thanks to Dr. Marcus.

[chuckles]

- I'll be fine. - I know.

Take care of yourself, Neal.

You, too.

[bell dings, coins clinking]

(ALF) 'Ha, yes!'

'Two cherries and a watermelon!'

[instrumental music]

Well, on behalf of all of us

I-I really feel you made the right decision.

I tell you, it was a pretty painful, lonely drive back.

Quit complaining.

You slept most of the way.

I still say you did the right thing.

I just expressed that, honey.

Oh, good.

The only thing I question is the wisdom

of taking ALF to see a Las Vegas show.

Oh. Well, Margaret did leave her parka in the backseat

and fortunately, ALF looks way over 21.

Still..

Willie, we were at "Nudes on Ice."

Trust me, nobody was looking at the audience.

[instrumental music]

Ha ha ha!

[instrumental music]